Don’t Argue with Miss Manners

It’s not true that “high tea” is a fancy little British business, featuring witty people eating cucumber sandwiches and tiny cakes. No, no. no! That is just called tea. The “high” doesn’t make it fancier. Quite the opposite. High tea features potted meat and soft-cooked eggs, and is what you have when you don't want to bother with a real dinner. 

Your etiquette blunders are upsetting Miss Manners!

Why don’t people pay strict attention to Miss Manners instead of trying to argue with her? There is a body of etiquette beliefs, firmly held in this society that is wrong, wrong, wrong. If you only knew how weary Miss Manners gets of repeating the same things, in a never-ending crusade to separate gentle people from this misinformation, you would use your energy to fetch her a cool drink, instead. 

Here, for positively (or possibly) the last time, is a list of common errors. It's not true: 

That spaghetti properly is eaten by twirling the strands on a fork held in the one hand, into the bowl of a large spoon held in the other hand; that this method, if not correct here, is at least dashingly continental. No, no, no! Here and in Italy, this is peasant or family manners (like eating chicken from the fingers) and not proper table manners under remotely formal circumstance.

That a bride in a white dress is either a virgin, or a brazen hussy, trying to pass herself off as one, when everyone in town knows better. No. no, no. The white wedding dress symbolize a first marriage, not a first consummation later in the day’s schedule, after all the guests have gone home. 

That dessert is correctly eaten with a teaspoon. No, no, no. Teaspoons are for stirring tea, and a dessert spoon is a larger oval spoon. Miss Manners blames the manufacturer of silverware, with their “basic place settings” of dinner fork, knife and teaspoon, for this one. Fork, knife and dessert spoon would be much more basic, as the large oval spoon can also pass itself off as a soup spoon. 

That “high tea” is a fancy little British business, featuring witty people eating cucumber sandwiches and tiny cakes. No, no. no. That is just called tea. The “high” doesn’t make it fancier. Quite the opposite. High tea features potted meat and soft-cooked eggs, and is what you have when you don't want to bother with a real dinner. 

That Miss Manners is willing to debate these matters further. — Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Memories of British Tea Drinking

There are many ways to enjoy tea. Curling up by the fireplace on a cloudy afternoon with a cup of tea can be the highlight of the day. Just because it’s solitary tea doesn’t mean it should be dreary. Arrange some light food in a plate, make it look pretty and enjoy this quiet time by yourself. Kids can also entertain themselves with tea just like the young children in the “Mary Poppins” or “Alice in Wonderland” classic movies. 

Brewing the Perfect Cuppa 

(tea, that is)

To some, drinking a cup of tea is a ritual. To others, it is simply a time to spend a soothing afternoon with friends. Quite easily, visions of scones, strawberry jam, wafer-thin sandwiches and china cups come to mind. Regardless of what images partaking of tea evokes, people have long been fascinated by this charming custom. The popularity of drinking tea has both diminished and flourished since the Chinese discovered it as a suitable beverage about 4,000 years ago. According to legend, Emperor Shen Nung, who was known as the Divine Healer, made it a habit to drink only boiled water after determining that those who did were sick less often. One day, sitting by a tea bush, some tea leaves found their way into his pot. Seeing that the resulting aroma was pleasant, Nung drank his first cup of tea. But it wasn’t until the 16th century that tea was introduced to Europe by Portuguese merchants who brought silks, spices and other Eastern items into the continent. 

While other European countries found tea flavorless in the mid-1600s, England and Russia found it soothing and relaxing. In the 17th century, tea drinking found its spot in English coffee houses. By the mid-1700s, tea gardens emerged. These lush, landscaped gardens were a meeting ground for the fashionable to chat, drink tea and gossip. By the end of the century, however, tea gardens were less prevalent and tea drinking developed into an at-home activity in England. What is now known as afternoon tea can be attributed to Anna, Duchess of Bedford, who realized this ritual was a way to satisfy her appetite during the void between lunch and dinner.

In those days, a day’s worth of meals consisted of a substantial breakfast, a light lunch and a heavy dinner late in the evening. Feeling a bit faint around five o’clock, the Duchess resorted to drinking tea and petite sandwiches to make it to dinner. This sort of “afternoon tea” is quite a contrast to the “high tea” served then in working class homes where hearty cold meats, breads and cheeses were served when the men returned home from work. Although Coronadan Jan Lichty hasn’t lived in England since 1939, her memories of having tea are still fresh in her mind. “The tea I remember, was with the dainty little cups, cucumber sandwiches and wafer-thin sandwiches,” Lichty said. “As children, we had tea, milky tea, with cakes and snacks.” 

“Don’t forget the war changed everything,” she said. “It was a different world then.” Barbara Taylor, a Coronado resident for most of her adult life, remembers growing up in war-torn England and having tea with her family. During the war, Taylor said a lot of English families would sit down for breakfast with a cup of tea and other breakfast items. At school. Taylor would have a heavy meal with tea at mid-day. After school, Taylor would come home to find tea, bread and butter, jams and cakes to share with her parents and sister. Sometimes, cheese or egg dishes made their way onto the table. “Five o’clock was quite a typical time for an English (working class) family to have tea,” Taylor remarked. 

Sarah O’Sullivan, who grew up in the southwest region of England, also remembers sitting around the dinner table and having traditional tea with scones, clotted cream and jam. “That’s extremely fattening,” she joked. “It’s one of the things we miss here.” Like Taylor, O’Sullivan recalls having a hearty lunch at mid-day and coming home for tea around 5 p.m. She used to come home for lunch at times, since her Dad owned a shop nearby and could join them. “It was nice because it was family time, we all sat down together,” O'Sullivan recalled. “Times have changed a bit now in England," Taylor pointed out. “Customs have shifted somewhat.” Most men are no longer able to come home from work at mid-day to have their cooked meal with tea. That tradition has slowly faded. “England is much more like America, more on the run,” added O’Sullivan, who’s been living in Coronado for the past two years. Her husband, who is part of the Royal Navy, is on an exchange with the U.S. Navy. Nowadays, O’Sullivan and her family have their main meal in the evening when her husband returns from work. “Sunday is the closest you get to having an afternoon tea.” 

Taylor, who travels to England frequently, still drinks tea for breakfast but now has a lighter lunch. She continues to drink her afternoon tea around 4 p.m. everyday before her evening meal. “I think it gives you a lift,” she said. “It’s a shame more people don’t stop and take a break at 4 o’clock in the afternoon,’’ Having a cup of tea in the afternoon brings back fond memories for Shelia Davis Lawrence who recalls quiet afternoons drinking tea with her grandmother. “I guess it’s a quiet time in the afternoon, a more gracious time,” Lawrence said, “It can grow into an interesting past-time as an adult.” Lawrence added that she sees drinking tea as an activity for all occasions, not as something stuffy. 

There are many ways to enjoy tea. Curling up by the fireplace on a cloudy afternoon with a cup of tea can be the highlight of the day. Just because it’s solitary tea doesn’t mean it should be dreary. Arrange some light food in a plate, make it look pretty and enjoy this quiet time by yourself. Kids can also entertain themselves with tea just like the young children in the “Mary Poppins” or “Alice in Wonderland” classic movies. Tea for two? This is a great opportunity for a couple to cozy up together and share a romantic time together. Power teas are also catching on in hotels worldwide. They’re a great way to top off power breakfasts and power lunches for busy executives. What better way to spend an afternoon with friends than to throw a tea party. Delicate snacks, a good pot of tea and stimulating conversation are sure to be a success. 

“The properness of tea is not in the elegance of the implements or delicacies of the food—it’s how food is served,” Lawrence said. It is this hospitality and graciousncss as a hostess that Lawrence finds pleasing when having tea. Prompted by her memories as a young girl, Lawrence recently invited a group of Brownies for tea at Crown Manor. The experience to share tea with these young girls was something Lawrence said she cherished. “It’s like passing on a part of history.” Lawrence, like many others, prefers tea to coffee, yet drinking coffee has seen a rise in popularity with the British—for all the wrong reasons though. “My husband has learned to like coffee because he can’t stand the American tea,” noted O'Sullivan. Lichty, however, rarely drinks tea anymore because it’s more convenient to make coffee. 

“Once in a blue moon (I drink tea),” Lichty said. “But if I want to make the effort to do tea, I want to do it right ” Which brings to mind the ubiquitous tea bag, which dates back to 1904 when Thomas Sullivan, a New York tea merchant, started sending his customers samples of his teas in silk pouches. The idea caught on because of its practicality and has even been accepted now in England, according to Taylor. However, it is the way tea is served in many American restaurants that has given tea bags a bad reputation. O'Sullivan said she will never forget the first time she came across tea in the United States. A waitress at a restaurant brought a jug of lukewarm water to her table with tea bags next to it. “I thought, ‘This isn’t tea’,” O’Sullivan said with a laugh. “It tastes peculiar when the water’s not boiling.” Lichty’s great aunt also had a funny encounter with tea bags when they first came out in England years ago. Lichty remembers her great aunt cutting out the top of the tea bag and pouring the tea leaves into the cup. “She tipped it out, she didn’t know any better until I showed her how to do it,” Lichty said. — Stories by Karen Koehler, Coronado Eagle and Journal Reporter, 1991

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Afternoon Tea Primer

“High Tea” has nothing to do with “high society”, “upper class”, or “royalty”. It was actually a more hearty “supper style” meal that included meat between the bread (introduced by the Fourth Earl of Sandwich, thus the High Tea Sandwich), and happened to include tea, that was served in the early evening to the “working men” coming home very hungry from a hard day’s work. 

A Brief History of Afternoon Tea

“Afternoon Tea” was started in the mid-1800s by Anna Russell, Duchess of Bedford.  At that time in history, only two meals were common; a mid-morning breakfast and a somewhat late evening dinner.  The Duchess found herself with a “sinking feeling” in the late afternoon, with the unacceptably prolonged period of time between lunch and dinner. The Duchess decided to have some friends over for assorted snacks and tea – and the idea of an “afternoon tea” gathering became very popular among the elite, as well as a favorite pastime for “ladies of leisure”. The Duchess ordered a few delicacies and some tea to be brought to her boudoir.  The assortment was placed on her low bedside table, and this became known as “Low Tea”.  As time went on, the Duchess wished to enjoy these delights with friends in a more social setting – and so the parlor became the venue for “Afternoon Tea”.

“High Tea” – an often misused term for Afternoon Tea/Formal Tea/Royal Tea could not be more different from these specific tea formalities. “High Tea” has nothing to do with “high society”, “upper class”, or “royalty”. It was actually a more hearty “supper style” meal that included meat between the bread (introduced by the Fourth Earl of Sandwich and thus the High Tea Sandwich), and happened to include tea, that was served in the early evening to the “working men” coming home VERY hungry from a hard day’s work.  This meal, like “Low Tea”, is so named, due to the height of the table on which it was served – to accommodate the height of the men who typically stood at the table or sat on high stools to feast. This meal gradually became more important on the social calendars of Ladies and Gentlemen and was enjoyed prior to social events like attending the theater or playing cards. 

On a quick note, “Royal Tea” or “Champagne Tea” simply mean a delightful addition of the bubbly to the occasion. 

Meet our newest contributor, Jonnie Fox Flanagan. Born and raised in New Orleans, Louisiana she enjoyed exquisite dining at famous and fabulous restaurants such as Brennans, Arnauds, Commander’s Palace, Emeril’s, before moving to southern California. Ms. Flanagan, busy as the lead singer of Jonnie Fox and the Satinettes, also founded The Magnolia School of Etiquette and Protocol, offering classes in the art of fine dining, good manners, and the social civilities that enhance our society with kindness and graciousness. Workshops include private consultation to brides, business professionals, individuals, university etiquette dinners, corporate conferences, and group workshops for children ages 5+.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Low and High Teas

Several 19th century ladies and a gentleman,  enjoying an outdoor afternoon, or “low tea.” “High tea” is a completely different meal in itself and does not connote any segment of society, wealth, ability to exhibit manners or the oft and incorrectly used term, “classy.” 

Afternoon tea is traditionally known as “low tea” because it was served whilst sitting down on low sofas and chairs, whereas high tea is a completely different meal in itself. High tea does not have anything to do with the overused and misused phrase, “high class,” but instead got its name due to being eaten on high tables amongst the working classes. After a long day’s hard labour, the working classes would gather together for their evening meal which usually consisted of meat, fish and other heavy foods. It is still common to hear people from various areas of the country refer to their dinner as “tea” and their lunch as “dinner.” When presented correctly, afternoon or a “low tea” is actually a three course meal, hence the prettily decorated three-tier stand. The tea when presented correctly is actually a three course meal, hence the prettily decorated three-tier cake stand. Quite apart from being purely aesthetic, the cake stand represents the three courses. When when having tea, you “work from the bottom up” when it comes to the stand. The bottom tier represents your first course and is usually laden with finger sandwiches, the middle tier sports warm, succulent looking scones and the top tier finishes the meal off with various cakes, pastries and petit fours. It is incorrect for the three tier cake stand to be arranged in any other way.— Etiquipedia Contributor, Rachel North

Contributor Rachel North is an etiquette and afternoon tea enthusiast with a love for anything -ancient and historical.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Miss Manners on Tea Etiquette

“Tea is made in the drawing room in full view of the guests, so get it right. The proper method is this: Rinse the teapot with boiling water. Give your teaspoons a chance to do the job for which they were trained by putting in one teaspoon of loose tea (tea is claustrophobic and hates being stuffed into little bags) for each tea drinker, plus one. Now pour on the rapidly boiling water. There are few things worse than tepid tea.” 

Tea for Two or 3,000 

Dear Miss Manners: I should like to begin having tea on a daily schedule with friends stopping in, with or without invitations. A couple of questions do require answering: At what time is “teatime,” and should coffee be offered or placed on the table? 

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners adores afternoon tea, from “oh-do-join-me-for-a-cup” to royal receptions for 3,000 people. She would advise you to get some practice in the former before attempting the latter. There are few more charming ways to spend an afternoon than to sit, surrounded by fine china and friends, wolfing down scones and bringing up epigrams. 

If you wish to test the water before jumping in even on a weekly basis water for tea should always be boiling invite people for a specific day writing: Tea Tuesday the Seventeenth. Four to Six o’clock. All should be written in the lower left corner of your visiting cards. Later it may be “Tuesdays 4 to 6 p.m.” Place on a tray a large silver or copper kettle over an alcohol burner and tea caddy, with a teapot, cups (which have been warmed with boiling water), teaspoons, a slops bowl, a tea strainer, a milk pitcher (cream overpowers a dainty cup of tea), a bowl of lump sugar, little plates and napkins. 

Tea is made in the drawing room in full view of the guests, so get it right. The proper method is this: Rinse the teapot with boiling water. Give your teaspoons a chance to do the job for which they were trained by putting in one teaspoon of loose tea (tea is claustrophobic and hates being stuffed into little bags) for each tea drinker, plus one. Now pour on the rapidly boiling water. There are few things worse than tepid tea. 

When the tea has steeped for about four minutes, ask your guest of honor how she takes it. Using the strainer, pour straight from the pot for strong tea and dilute it from the kettle for weak. Then add sugar (the reason for using lump sugar is so you may ask the traditional “One lump or two?”) and milk, according to the taste. Some troublemakers prefer lemon to milk and you may put slices in a glass dish on the tray, but you are only encouraging them. 

When this ritual is performed, the guest takes her tea from the hostess or if there is a gentleman present, he takes it to her. She then takes a plate, napkins and a modest selection from your platters of hot breads, tiny sandwiches, cookies and a slice of whatever luscious cake your cook has baked that day. If you become addicted to this form of entertaining, you may need to to move on to stronger doses, such as the reception, which is tea served in the dining room.

The tea service is placed at one end of the table, and the teacups napkins, plates, forks if needed, and a larger supply of tea food (at least two of each kind mentioned above) go in the middle. At the other end stands an urn of chocolate, boullion, or more often lately to Miss Manners' dismay, coffee. You may ask friends “to pour,” that is to serve the tea and chocolate for you as you move among your guests. Being asked to pour is an honor just short of knighthood.

The traditional time for tea is four o'clock, which is perfect if you have your afternoons free. However, coffee is only one of the sad things that has happened to tea over the years. Some people have the idea that there is something more important to do in the afternoon than sip tea and eat buttered bread, such as earning a living. If you have friends who work, Miss Manners suggests that you schedule your tea on a weekend or at a time convenient to them on their way home when you could give them yet another variation, “high tea,” so as to replace, rather than interfere with, their supper. 

High tea is more substantial in all matters of food and drink than afternoon tea. It could include a whiskey and soda tray. Along with the dainty foods traditional to afternoon tea, there are soft boiled eggs, sausages, sardines on toast, kippers, chicken livers and such. While some unscrupulous restaurants try to make afternoon tea sound more “high society” by calling it “high tea,” the word “high” is actually related to “it's high time we had something to eat.” As social events go, high tea is lower on the scale than afternoon tea, because the chances of being fed dinner are small on a day you are given high tea. In that respect it is like the “cocktail-buffet,” than which there are few lower social events. – From Judith Martin’s, “Miss Manners’ "Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” 1985

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Tea Styles

High Tea is also sometimes confused with the teas that King Edward VII hosted during his reign from 1901-1910. Edward had so many meals in his daily schedule he had to change everyone else’s schedules. Famous for his huge appetite, Edward ate no less than 12 courses at dinner and is responsible for adding “appetizers” to the dinner menus of British society.

Just Some of the Different Styles Of “Teas” Held, or Given, for the Enjoyment of this Popular Beverage

Around 1800, when tea was very expensive and kept in locked containers called "tea caddy boxes," special tea caddy spoons were designed and kept with the tea. Tea caddy spoons were popular gifts and often engraved for special events. 

·The High Tea:  In the past, "High Tea" was considered the tea of the working-class rather than the tea of the elite. This tea was a hearty affair. Meat pies, rarebit, shepherd's pies, slices of roast, sausage, vegetables, casseroles, puddings, and heavy desserts and other dinner time staples usually made with leftovers were commonly served.  

The term “High” came about because the tea meal was taken at a high dining table, or with high back chairs all around a table. This was to distinguish the meal from the Afternoon Tea that was taken at low tables.  

In recent years, High Tea has become a term for elaborate Afternoon Tea, though this is an American usage and mainly unrecognized in Britain (with the exception of some London hotels, catering to tourists.) It is usually served between 5:00 pm and 8:00 pm.  

High Tea is also sometimes confused with the teas that King Edward VII hosted during his reign from 1901-1910. Edward had so many meals in his daily schedule he had to change everyone else’s schedules. His dinner time was pushed forward another hour or so to 8:30 pm or 9:00 pm. High Tea could now be held even later in the afternoon.

Known for his huge appetite, the King ate no less than 12 courses at dinner and is responsible for adding “appetizers” to the dinner menus of British society. This change brought it closer in line to what most Americans think of as a dinner time (around 5:00 pm). 

·The Formal Afternoon Tea: A "Formal Afternoon Tea" is an elaborate affair with white linens, silver, hats and gloves, bone china, and several different types of tea. Darjeeling and Ceylon varieties are suggested for this teatime. Tea fare consists of scones, at least four varieties of savories, and beautiful finger desserts or petits fours, presented on three-tiered racks, often buffet style. 

Traditional service time is 4:00 pm, however any time between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm is appropriate. (Please remember that proper etiquette dictates one remove those gloves before eating or drinking anything!) 

Tea fare consists of scones, at least four varieties of savories, and beautiful finger desserts or petits fours, presented on three-tiered racks, often buffet style. 

·The Afternoon Tea or The Low Tea: An Afternoon Tea or "Low Tea" is designed to enhance social skills and usually is served in fine fashion and in several courses. Some believe the term “Low Tea” may come from the fact that hotels have traditionally used low tables in their lobbies to hold the foods and tea service presented at afternoon teas. 

This full-tea service includes scones, savories, and a variety of petits fours. It is traditionally served at 4:00 pm, however, any time between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm is appropriate.

·The Special Event and/or The Seasonal Tea: These teas are designed for a season, occasion, or personal style for the hostess or honored guest. Although these teas require more planning, they also provide an opportunity for creativity in themes, menus, table settings, favors and invitations. Examples include; bridal teas, sweetheart teas, Christmas teas, harvest teas, baby shower teas, business teas, retirement teas, graduation teas, garden teas, and benefit teas.

·The Cream Tea: These Cream Teas are fondly known as afternoon "sweet-tooth teas" in some circles. They feature heavy, clotted cream from Devonshire, that is slathered on scones, rather than any cream added to the tea. 

Cream is much too rich to accompany tea, as it will curdle; milk is the preferred addition. Besides scones, this tea includes fresh fruits, berries in season, and cake. Cream Teas are traditionally served from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm.
                          

No pinky finger thrust out here. Perfectly lovely!

·The Brunch Tea: A hearty tea, Brunch Tea is a wonderful way to start the day. A Brunch Tea usually offers an egg dish, fresh fruit, or pasties which are light on sugar content. This is the perfect time to seek a hearty breakfast tea, since the traditional time is from10:00 am to 1:00 pm.

·The Teddy Bear Tea: This special tea, (in actuality, it is hot chocolate), was prepared by nannies for their young charges. The children would scurry off to their quarters to play with their favorite dolls or bears and sip hot chocolate while munching on goodies from the adults’ tea table.

·The “Elevenses”: The term “Elevenses” is a British version of the American office "coffee break," between 10am and 11am in the morning. The coffee break originated from the old "Second Breakfast" of European immigrants to the United States. In Britain, a tea cart with tea, crumpets, scones, or cinnamon toast is wheeled in for the break.

A post script: Remember...  one drinks tea. One does not take tea. During the Victorian era, the term to take tea was used by the under classes and considered a vulgar expression by the upper classes.

Contributor Bernadette Petrotta is the Director and founder of The Polite Society School of Etiquette. Her newest book is "The Art and Proper Etiquette of Afternoon Tea." 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia