Gilded Age Etiquette and Manners

Never eat bonbons or confections of any kind on the street, in vehicles or in public places. Munching sweets is considered by all refined and intelligent persons as ill bred and provincial.

Details of Fine Manners

Good manners are the source and inspiration of easy social intercourse. They are the means of bringing people together in gentleness, grace and savoir-faire. For the men or women who observe the amenities of life; who inherit the great gift, the perfect manner; who by goodness of heart and graciousness of disposition pave the way for those about them; who delight and charm human livings, and content them with themselves—they have at last reached the place in life in which they are a source of perpetual pleasure, an ever abiding joy to those who know them and a cheer and sunshine to those who believe in them. 

An authority on social matters adds, in Harper's Bazar, the following suggestions for attaining the pleasing condition described in the foregoing words: 

• Cultivate dress as a fine art, for minute attention to personal adornment and elegance of toilet is the duty of every man or woman in civilized society. It is the outward show that enables the world to judge of us personally, our character, refinement and condition, of the station in life in which we are thrown. It is a duty we owe our family, our friends and the world at large. It is the passport to good breeding and the support of fine manners. 
• Never eat bonbons or confections of any kind on the street, in vehicles or in public places. Munching sweets is considered by all refined and intelligent persons as ill bred and provincial. 
• Study repose of manner. Swinging of arms, humming of tunes, frequent contortions of the face and restlessness of feet and hands are not only very trying to your family, but they are a source of irritation and annoyance to others.
• After visiting an out of town house a letter sent within a week is equivalent to a call. 
• Never discuss yourself, your servants or domestic affairs. In polite circles conversation is of a nature so general that continual talking of one’s self is considered ill bred and vulgar. 
• Never interrupt conversation at any time or in any place. A good listener is a great boon to mankind. 
• There is a code of rules which is the result of all these social observances. A sentence, an incident, an opinion expressed should be given without interruption. 
• Be careful in carrying small bundles or parcels on which the name of the shopkeeper appears. A silk bag for these small purchases obviates this difficulty and makes for the buyer a helpful article in traveling or shopping. 
• It is not necessary at all times to offer your seat to a lady in a street car or omnibus, but there are two cases when it should be the inevitable rule -an elderly person or a woman with a child in her arms. To either this courtesy should be extended. Consideration for age and helplessness is always appreciated.– 1892

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid 20th C. Etiquette and Chivalry

Some men report finding it hard to concentrate on their papers, what with all the female straphangers above them grumbling about the “Death of Chivalry.” 

Some rules about etiquette don’t last...

From “Male Polish,” 1961

To hear some women tell it, we are now deep in a recession in manners. If you’ve been to New York recently, you may have noticed they particularly tell it in buses and subways. Some men, in fact, report finding it hard to concentrate on their papers, what with all the female straphangers above them grumbling about the “Death of Chivalry.” 

HAS CYCLES: Etiquette, like business, has cycles. Whenever there is a slump, it's pretty certain some excess preceded it. And 50 years ago etiquette had excesses aplenty. Take this rule in a Victorian etiquette book: “When a gentleman offers a lady his chair, he should engage her in conversation for a few minutes, thus giving the seat time to cool.” Presumably this would save the lady the trouble of using her fan. But hot seats are not considered a problem today. What bothers a modern man is whether to give up his seat, period. 

Etiquette takes a practical view of the matter: In public conveyances men should relinquish their seats for pregnant women, women burdened with children or bundles, old and infirm women but not for every frisky young thing who climbs aboard. In a social setting, the better part of polish is to offer your seat to any standing female, whether she just won the Olympics or not. 

OPENING DOORS Even more sticky is the problem of when to open a woman’s door. Writes S.J.: “Sure, a man ought to practice etiquette, and I believe most men would, if women would only let them. Take the rule about opening doors. Nine times out of 10, just when a man starts to open a door for a woman, she grabs the knob and opens it herself, as if to say, ‘Look, Buster, who needs YOU?’” 

Etiquette indeed specifies that men should open doors for women. But whenever one persists in opening her own, all you can do. obviously, is let her. You should not make a thing of it. S.J. also has a peeve against doors that push in rather than open out. “Here you are.” he said, “standing at the still, trying to hold a push-door in front of you, so your date can enter the room first. To do so, she has to duck under your arm, and what started out to be a helping hand ends up resembling the minuet or London Bridge.” 

RULES CLASH Here is a case of two rules clashing one about opening doors, the other about “ladies first.” In this instance “ladies first” is sacrificed. Coming to a push-door, the man correctly precedes the woman through the door in order to hold it for her. In the event she pushes ahead, he has only to extend his arm over her head to take the door's weight from her as she passes through. – Don Goodwin, Copyright 1961

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia