Wedding Gift Etiquette

Crystal ashtrays and electric percolators were very popular wedding gifts in 1975. Wedding gifts should always be acknowledged with a note of thanks from the newly married couple within 6 weeks of the wedding. Guests do not expect to receive their gifts to be returned if a couple’s tastes or needs no longer require them. Gifts can always be donated to charity. Never send a gift back to the gift giver, especially after a year. It is an insult and an exhibition of one’s relaxed etiquette standards.

Dear Mrs. Tobin: My daughter and son-in-law have been married a year and they recently took up the Mormon faith. One of my friends wrote and told me the beautiful crystal ash tray she sent them for a wedding gift had been returned to her along with a note explaining that they no longer had any need for such an item. Another friend had an electric percolator returned with the same message. Although I'm proud of the children I don’t feel they are handling the situation properly. Will you express your views, please? – Mrs. S. 

Dear Mrs. S.: To return any gift at any time, simply because one can no longer use it, is a breach of etiquette. And a year later? Really! The Goodwill is happy to receive unwanted merchandise. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid 20th C. American Etiquette Advice

All persons who receive wedding invitations know that it requires a gift ... whether it is brought to the reception or mailed to the bride.

☆American Manners of 1947

1. -SHOULD WE EXPECT guests to bring gifts to our wedding reception?-L. C., Los Angeles.

If a person receives a wedding invitation it requires a gift. If he receives an invitation to the reception alone, it requires a gift. All persons who receive wedding invitations know that it requires a gift ... whether it is brought to the reception or mailed to the bride.

2. -WHAT IS CONSIDERED the proper amount to tip if eating in deluxe restaurants?-E. E., Los Angeles.

*The smallest tip you can give is 35 cents if you lunch alone for a bill of two dollars or less; 45 cents for a bill of about three dollars; 50 cents on a total of four dollars and 10 per cent above this. For two persons: add about 15 cents to each of the above sums.

3. -HOW DOES ONE recall an invitation?-F, A., Glendale.

If for illness or any other valid reason invitations have to be recalled the following forms are correct. They are always printed instead of engraved. “Owing to the sudden illness of their daughter Mr. and Mrs. John Jones are obliged to recall their invitations for Tuesday, the Tenth of June.” When temporarily postponing the event the regret reads “Mr. and Mrs. John Jones regret exceedingly that owing to the illness of Mrs. Jones the dance is temporarily postponed.” – By Nell Drake, 1947

*Tipping has gone up in percentages, just as the price of everything else in the United States has gone higher. Tipping of 18% to 20% is the most common range in a restaurant.

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🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1950’s Bridal Etiquette

Usually a bride will find one is sufficient. If the little miss is quite young, she will need training in what to do and this takes time.

Reader Asks: Can Bride Use Two Flower Girls?

Q. Is it proper to use more than one flower girl? Mrs. M. M., Redlands.
A. Yes. Use as many as you wish. Usually a bride will find one is sufficient. If the little miss is quite young, she will need training in what to do and this takes time.

Q. When are bridal gifts opened if they are received just prior to the ceremony? Mrs. E.R., San Bernardino.
A. There are several schools of thought on this. Some couples open the gifts together during the reception. During this hectic time, cards may be lost and "thank you's" forgotten when the givers are watching the gift opening. It is much safer to put last- minute gifts aside and open them after the honeymoon. Then thank-you notes will not be forgotten. All bridal gifts opened before the ceremony should be displayed if the reception follows in the home of the bride.

Q. Can the bride wear white at a second wedding? I have seen it done and wonder if it is correct. Mrs. J.S., San Bernardino
A. No! No! This is a breach of bridal etiquette and should not be done. A pale blue or pink is lovely for a second wedding, and these colors are worn many times at a first marriage. — San Bernardino Sun, 1954

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bridal Shower and Gift Etiquette

It is said that “showering” a young bride with gifts originated in Holland, but since the late 1800’s, it has become a rite of passage and time honored tradition in the United States. With the growth of the internet, the popularity of bridal showers has grown throughout the world, especially over the last 15 years.

The Who, What, Where and When– Traditionally, the Maid of Honor would be the one to host a bridal shower, usually 2 to 3 weeks prior to the big day. She could count on the fellow bridesmaids for help with planning and sending out invitations to the bride-to-be’s closest friends. As it has always been considered unseemly for family members of the bride to ask for gifts (monetary or not – dowries went out of fashion long ago), it was considered poor etiquette, not to mention tacky, for members of the family to host the bridal showers. 

Nowadays, it is perfectly acceptable for family members to host showers and parties of all kinds, as these parties can be expensive and attended by many more than simply one’s closest friends or co-workers. It is not uncommon for a Maid of Honor to send out the invitations for showers to be held in a restaurant, tea room or the home of the mother-in-law-to-be or grandmother in-law-to-be. Showers are best held 4 to 6 weeks prior to the wedding now. 

Themes and Games– Though bridal shower themes and games are not necessary, they make a bridal shower more fun. Unless the shower is a surprise, get the bride’s input on games and a theme for the soirée. There are numerous sites like Pinterest or Instagram which hold inspiration aplenty when it comes to creativity and party planning.

The Divorced or Widowed Bride– The old etiquette was that bridal showers are not to be held for 2nd time brides, or even 3rd time brides. But etiquette changes with time and “serial-marriages” are probably with us to stay. Regardless of what celebrities are seen doing in reality shows and in the tabloid press, unless one is a widow, it is wise for the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time bride-to-be to make sure anyone throwing a shower for her keeps it tastefully small and with just intimate family and friends invited. Anything over-the-top appears tacky. Widowhood allows for a more festive shower, however, as widowhood is not the same choice that is divorce.  

The Couple– The old etiquette was that the shower was held only for the bride, her family and friends. Today, more participation of men has given rise to “couple showers” that honor both the bride-to-be and groom-to-be. Men enjoy being feted, just as much as the ladies do. Keep in mind that when hosting a shower for a couple, the shower’s costs will be doubled, as you will be hosting both the male and female friends of the couple. Make certain you have a large budget and/or help with your hosting duties, along with ample room for the added guests.

The Already Married Bride– What about the “Already Married Bride?” Several couples who, due to a move or military service, etc... have hurriedly tied the knot via a civil ceremony, when family could not attend, choose to repeat their vows a second time so that family and friends can share in their joy. Bridal showers are still proper for the brides or couples who have already set up their households together. Planners and guests can skip the “trousseau” or lingerie themed showers, and stick to household gifts or gifts of “necessities” – which brings us to...

The Pregnant Bride – The pregnant bride is not an uncommon sight nowadays. Hosting a bridal shower for a pregnant bride is perfectly correct and is indeed a kindness, especially if the bridal shower stays related to the wedding only and basic etiquette rules for bridal showers are followed. Make certain your invitations reflect that the shower is a “Bridal Shower” and keep with that theme. A separate baby shower can, and should, be thrown at a later date.

Bridal Shower Gift Registries– Registering for gifts has become a rite of passage for both brides and couples alike. Etiquette allows for registries, but brides should keep in mind that a variety of objects in a wide variety of price is most polite. Guests invited to a wedding have up to a year in which to send a gift, though it is thoughtful to send one writhing 6 weeks of the wedding. Brides have six weeks in which to send notes of thanks, after receiving a bridal shower gift. Please don’t confuse the two.  

Wedding Gifts– If you are a bride who’s under the impression that what price you or your parents are paying per plate for the reception, is what your guests should be paying for your gifts, sadly you are incorrect. Etiquipedia suggests that a bride requesting the presents of someone at her wedding, instead of the presence of someone at her wedding, has her priorities out of whack. 

Notes of Thanks– The old etiquette of handwritten thank you notes for the shower gifts, being sent out prior to the wedding, is still the correct etiquette now. If the bride and groom do not get notes of thanks sent out quickly, they will find the task much more difficult as the wedding nears. A thoughtful shower gift is monogrammed stationary for the bride to be or couple, along with postage stamps, to assist them with getting notes of thanks sent out quickly. And as it is poor manners to email a note of thanks to someone who took the time to bring a gift, a guest book in which the shower guests can write their names and addresses is a nice touch.

One Last Point for Brides to Be–Unless a shower gift was emailed, an emailed “note of thanks” is rude. An emailed, or even texted “gift card” is still worthy of a handwritten and mailed note of thanks.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Guest Etiquette Quiz

Take this quiz from Bride's Magazine and see if you're up to the wedding season ahead! 

Do you know how to be the perfect guest?

If the first sign of spring is the crocus, the second is just as surely the wedding invitation. Now is the time of year when any day is likely to bring an elegant envelope tucked in with your electric bill, supermarket circular and favorite magazine subscription. So it's a good time to ask: How's your guest etiquette? 

True or False: 

1. Verbal acceptance of a wedding invitation is okay. 
2. You don't have to send a gift if you don't go to the wedding. 
3. You should bring the wedding present to the reception. 
4. If you're dating someone, it's all right to bring him or her to the wedding. 
5. A female guest shouldn't wear all-black or all-white. 
6. The last person to be seated in church is the mother of the bride. 
7. On the receiving line, you “congratulate” the groom, offer “best wishes” to the bride. 
8. You shouldn't leave the reception before the newlyweds do. 

Answers: 

1. F– Unless it's a very informal invitation. A formal, engraved invitation should be answered with a brief, handwritten note on a double sheet of fine white note paper. If a response card is provided, use that. 
2. T–  If you're close to the couple, you'll probably want to send a gift, but it's not required. 
3. F – Except if the gift is a check. Then you can bring it to the wedding and give it to the couple personally. (Make it out to Mr. and Mrs.) Otherwise, send the gift to the bride at her home as soon as possible after you receive the invitation. A check sent before the wedding is made out to the bride.
4. F – An invitation is only for those specifically mentioned. Unless it reads “and guest” or “and family,” they only want you. 
5. T – Although the rules are bending somewhat on this, especially since black is so fashionable now. In general, judge what you should wear by the formality of the invitation. You can rarely go wrong m a suit and tie, for a man, and a street-length dressy party or cocktail dress, for a woman. 
6. T – This is the signal that the ceremony is about to begin, so if you arrive later, stand unobtrusively at the back unless the ushers direct otherwise. It's best to try to arrive at least 10-15 minutes early. 
7. T – You could cause offense if you reverse them. Other tips for negotiating the receiving line: Introduce yourself to anyone who isn't certain to know you. (Remember, the whole wedding party is in a bit of a daze by now.) Say something brief and pleasant to parents and other family members. 
8. T – Although this was truer in the days when the bride and groom always left the reception early, in a shower of rice, to go directly on their honeymoon. These days, some newlyweds stay right until the end of the party, so an alternate rule might be: Don't leave until the cake has been cut and served. Remember to thank the wedding's hostess (usually the bride's mother) when you do go. – Bride’s Magazine, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia