Social Slobs Have No Manners

Children should understand from an early age that notes of thanks should be written when gifts are sent or given to them. It’s heartbreaking when parents who have attempted to instill good manners in their child, or children, watch them ignore what they have been taught. It’s a shame they won’t discover that good manners can open doors and bring a wealth of opportunities into a young person’s life.

The Parents of a Social Slob

Dear Ann Landers: Our experiences in parenthood lead us to believe that whoever wrote "as the twig is bent..." was a bachelor. We have bent a lot of twigs through the years, but eventually they grew in the direction of their choice once the pressure of bending was released.

Being the parents of children who are social slobs is an embarrassment. We know we aren't the only ones, so perhaps this letter will end up on some refrigerator doors and bulletin boards. Here's the message: 

Dear Friends and Relatives: We know that not one of you who sent gifts for our son's 18th birthday and high school graduation has heard from him. We are deeply ashamed but decided not to nag him about it. We feel it is high time he accepted responsibility for his own thank-you notes. 

In the future, please do not feel obligated to send him a gift. Chastise him or continue your generosity as you wish. Also, if he doesn't RSVP to an invitation, invite someone else and notify him the day before the party that his place has been filled. Stop including him. If he doesn't return your calls, replace him with a more responsive friend and companion. 

We have done what we can to teach this young man decent manners, which are nothing more than consideration for others. When HE can't collect postal insurance without the embarrassment of asking if HIS gift arrived, maybe he will get the message. We are, of course, His Parents

Dear Parents: Thanks for a terrific letter. I applaud every word of it and recommend that others who find themselves in your position follow your example. — By Ann Landers, 1983

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: Two Rings Are Too Much

“The too-common attitude of on with the new before one’s quite off with the old detracts greatly from the seriousness of marriage. Even the broken marriage deserves more respect than that…” — You may be on cloud nine over your boyfriend popping the question, but if you’re still married to another, you cannot wear your newest engagement ring. One engagement or wedding ring at a time is the proper etiquette, even if you are no longer wearing the ring from your soon-to-be ex-husband. Wearing another ring before the ink is dry on your divorce decree is just plain “tacky” and not proper.

PARENTS OPPOSE RING

Dear Mrs. Palmer, I married at 17 and after three and a half years of trying to make the best of a bad situation have obtained an interlocutory divorce decree. Now I have met the man I feel I should have married in the first place and he has said he would like to give me an engagement ring on my birthday this month. My parents are quite happy about my choice of a husband but said they thought it would be quite improper for me to wear his engagement ring while I am still legally married to my first husband.

My divorce has hurt them a great deal, since there has never been a divorce in our family before. I don't want to make them any more unhappy, but I want to do what is best in order to build a good life for myself. My boy friend said he will abide by my decision. We know our love is real and the life we plan together will last whether I wear his ring or not.

Would you advise me on the desirability of wearing the ring, whether it is socially acceptable or not, if my parents object to it? And is there a book on the etiquette of divorce and remarriage? I know I cannot wear a white gown, but there are other questions that come to mind occasionally. — Mrs. A., Los Angeles.

Dear Mrs. A., I agree with your parents about the ring. The too-common attitude of on with the new before one’s quite off with the old detracts greatly from the seriousness of marriage. Even the broken marriage deserves more respect than that, for divorce is the death of something born with high hopes and solemn intentions and promises. A good life in the future is never insured by taking the errors and failures of the past lightly.

Whether you agree with your parents’ and my reasoning or not, there is a simple matter of values. Postponing your acceptance of a diamond until your divorce is final shouldn’t cause you any pain. You'll have all the rest of your life to wear it. What justification could there be for offending your parents with something that is of so little real importance to you? Giving a little here and there out of consideration for others is a good habit to get into if you want this marriage to be more successful than the last.

I don't know of any book on the etiquette of divorce and remarriage. I don't think the subject is big enough to warrant an entire volume dedicated to it. All the questions of form are handled in books on etiquette in general. The important rule of good taste is restraint.— From “Most Sincerely, Jane Palmer,”Los Angeles Mirror, 1952

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bar Etiquette Advice from 1990

Rockland, N.Y. won a baseball pool at the local pub. When he went to pick up his winnings, the bar owner asked if he was going to buy a round for the bar. He replied, “Why should I?” I don't know these people. The owner suddenly had an attitude problem and said, “That's not proper bar etiquette.” The question: “Was the bar owner right?”

Person, Place and Win Total Determine Bar Etiquette

Dear Readers: A while back I confessed that I didnt know much about bar etiquette and asked for some guidance from my savvy faithfuls. The heft of the mail convinced me that I had led a very sheltered life. 

Rockland, N.Y. won a baseball pool at the local pub. When he went to pick up his winnings, the bar owner asked if he was going to buy a round for the bar. He replied, “Why should I?” I don't know these people. The owner suddenly had an attitude problem and said, “That's not proper bar etiquette.” The question: “Was the bar owner right?” 

Here’s what the readers say: 

From Boston: “That bar owner was looking to beef up the day’s take. The standard practice is to buy drinks for the other members of the pool, not for every person in the place.” 

Hampton Roads, Va.: “I blew a lot of money in bars before I sobered up six years ago. Theres no such thing as bar etiquette. People do what they want to do. If a guy wins the pool and feels like buying drinks for the house, OK. If not, thats OK, too.”

 

Pittsburgh: “I owned a tavern and have run hundreds of pools. (In some states pools are illegal so both buyers and sellers have to be careful.) Normally, the bartender gets 5 percent of the winnings. The winner can buy drinks for the house if he wants to. Its not expected. The drinks could easily cost more than the winnings, and he might wind up in the hole if he's not careful.” 

Brooklyn: “Unfortunately, I happen to know a lot about bar etiquette.My advice to Rock (the guy who wanted to keep all the winnings) is to watch the game at home and go to the bar to collect at 10:30 the next morning.” 

Cincinnati: “Only a fool would offer to buy drinks for the house. I’ve seen this done and do you know what happens? The beer drinkers switch to Scotch and the winos suddenly develop a taste for double strawberry daiquiris.”

Burlington, Vt.: “I resent the bar owner trying to make the winner of the pool feel guilty. The winner is under no obligation to buy anybody anything. I’ve made that scene plenty and I wouldn't spend $50 on drinks for strangers unless I had won a pool at least three times that amount. A fool I am not.” 

Sacramento: “If a bartender handles the pool, he is entitled to a 10 percent tip. I’m in a few pools around town and one of them keeps 20 percent out for the United Way. Please don't use my name if you print my letter. My husband doesn't know I do this. He would be mad as hell.”

San Diego: “That cheap bum in New York burned me up. I’ll bet he wont be invited to be a part of any more pools. Word travels fast in the tavern circuit and guys who cheap out get passed over.” 

Orlando: “A few years ago in Las Vegas, after I lost my limit of $200, 1 stopped in a bar to drown my sorrow. I spotted a slot machine and bought a half dozen $ 10 rolls of quarters. Of course I lost it all. Like the drunk who goes from scotch to wine, I bought six $10 rolls of nickels. After getting down to my last roll, bells rang and neon lights flashed all over the place. I had hit the jackpot $450! When I handed the bartender $10, the guy next to me said, You must be from out of town. It’s customary to give the bartender 20 percent. I picked up the $10 bill, put down a $20 and walked out. Did I feel guilty? Nah!”

 From Ann Landers, syndicated advice columnist, 1990

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Romance Advice

“A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox 
– Public domain image of Agony Aunt, Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

American Men Good Enough for Her

I have never seen a foreign man who, in my most romantic or susceptible days, could have done more than amuse me. I cannot imagine loving any man but an American. A foreigner does very well to pick up a lady’s fan or kill time for her, like a pet parrot, by repeating his little stereotyped compliments, but the thorough, true, sensible American girl gives her heart to an American lover. Those who give them to foreigners usually live to regret it. A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.—Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1892

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A 1920’s “Modern Etiquette” Sampling

Roberta Lee was a popular “Agony Aunt” who was syndicated in newspapers across the United States, answering random, but helpful, questions in her column, “Modern Etiquette” from the 1920’s through the 1960’s. Women at the time were often characterized as ditzy or flighty, like the popular comics’ page flirt, “Mopsy” (from the 1930’s through the 1960’s), and were not always taken seriously as journalists until the 1970’s and beyond.

“Modern Etiquette” of 1927 by Roberta Lee

Q. How should lobster claws be eaten?
A. They should be pulled apart and conveyed to the mouth by the fingers.

Q. Can one accept a second helping at the table if one wants it?
A. Yes, unless doing so makes the others wait.

Q. Are napkin rings still used?
A. No; they are out of date, except in the nursery.

Q. What rule governs the form of introduction?
A. It should be cordial and simple, but never careless or offhand.

Q. Is it proper for children to be introduced to adults?
A. Yes: children should be taught the significance of formal introductions.

Q. Is it bad taste to be demonstrative in public?
A. Very; well-bred people will avoid it.

Q. What are two subjects that always should be avoided in general conversation?
A. Religion and politics.

Q. In what way can a business man or woman get rid of a tiresome caller?
A. By rising, or by pleading a pressing business engagement.

Q. If a man finds himself by chance next to a woman of his acquaintance in the street car, should he offer to pay her fare? 
A. No.

Q. After attending the theater with a man, is it necessary for the woman to thank him for a pleasant evening?
A. No, unless he has in some way inconvenienced himself to be with her.

Q. If her next dance is promised, should the woman go to seek her partner?
A. No, she should wait until he comes to claim her.

Q. Should ushers at a wedding be friends of the bridegroom or of the bride?

A. The ushers are chosen from among the friends and relatives of either the bride or the groom.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Candor and Vulnerability

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Always Too Young to Boast

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Tis not an uncommon thing for those on whom Cupid has spent no arrows to boast that they are invulnerable. They are always too young to make that boast. Too young when the years have bowed their shoulders and powdered their heads. It is no distinction to have escaped.

To be incapable of emotion is so similar to a mummy existence that those who have reached years of maturity and have never been “shot through the heart” have reason to be alarmed about themselves. There is something lacking — sympathy, tenderness, charity, tolerance, hope, faith or the power to dream.

Nothing to Boast Of

Such a one should not boast. It is rather a matter to be regretted and remedied. It indicates a sickness of the most sacred of the emotions. It indicates a lack of ability to love; a coldness that makes love turn away. Neither is it to one's credit to have loved only once.

The heart doesn't die with humiliation at its first mistake. It lives to make another, and another, and that which is sometimes regarded as a “mistake” turns out to be the most beneficial and needful of experiences. The mistake lies in carefully covering one's heart with frost, and then making the boast that it is invulnerable.

There never was a heart so fortified, so watched, so guarded and so closely sentineled that there was not some opening by which love could enter if he chose. Sympathy, pity, pride, vanity, hope, who can say which one will point to a weakness in the fortress?

There is some mode of entry into the hardest heart. If there were not, this would be a dreary place in which to live. So don't boast that time has left your heart whole. Rather regret it, and remedy it while the remedy still lies in your hands. — By Beatrice Fairfax, 1912

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: No Interest to 1970s’ Teens

The abruptly waning interest in matters of etiquette by teens in 1971 spurred on one “agony aunt” to publish an extraordinary column which may have caused many a parent of teens concern.

Etiquipedia has posted articles previously on the decline in etiquette which the 1970’s suffered, but no other article has been quite like the following post:

The President's recent Commission on Campus Unrest appeals to all adults to undertake to understand the feelings of the youth of today. The Commission's findings suggest that the dangerous gap in our society is threatening the survival of our nation. Perhaps my teen mail and daily contact with teens will give you a better understanding of youth’s needs of the moment.

Six years ago, when I started answering teen-agers’ questions, few wrote me, and most of those who did had simple matters of etiquette on their minds. Today I get up to 2,000 letters a week. Only a smattering of them are about etiquette. Ninety percent are about sex, drugs, trouble with parents, or some mixture of the three.

I have just finished a lecture tour on which I personally talked to, and listened, to 20,000 teen-agers. These conversations, plus the thousands of letters written to my Teen Forum question- and-answer column in newspapers, tell dramatically where teen thoughts are today.

1. Boy-girl problems, including serious questions on sex - 50 percent.

2. Parental problems, including alcoholic, quarreling, or divorced parents - 25 percent.

3. Vices, including drug use - 15 percent.

4. Grooming and fashions - 8 percent.

5. Etiquette - 2 percent.

When I began "Teen Forum" six years ago, teen boys were interested in how to help a girl into a car; girls wondered about what length gloves to wear. Today both boys and girls are more interested in such subjects as world affairs and sex.

Anyone who says our young don't indulge in sex doesn't know what's happening in 1971. I'm not saying that all teen-agers do, but I am saying that more do than ever before and they don't hesitate to talk about it.

As a statistical example, I recently visited a school in Europe. The school nurse informed me that they had had two pregnancies in the past school year. Upon returning to the United States, I visited a school of the same size in the Southwest. The school nurse informed me they had had 60 pregnancies in the past school year. This is one reason why I'm for sex education beginning at least at the fourth-grade level. I am also concerned that I get the following type of letter each month:

Can I become pregnant at parties where we play kissing games? I think I know how far to go with a boy, but I just want to make sure. -Worried.

People often ask me whether I receive many nut or kook letters. No, I don't. When a teen-ager sits down and writes five to nine pages pouring his heart out, he's not being silly; he's usually desperate. In answering their questions, my philosophy is to tell young people the price they will pay for any of two or three choices - whether the question is about interracial marriage or drugs or alcohol. I believe parents, administrators, religious leaders, and other adults must be honest, reasonable, and free in their discussion of today's problems, so that our youth can know the price of every decision. Then, hopefully, the young people will make sensible decisions about what route to take. Sweeping such issues as pregnancy and marijuana under the carpet will not help us cope with the problems of our time.

Children of divorced or alcoholic parents contribute heavily to my parental hangup mail (25 percent). But even in some of the happiest families. when teen-agers are writing about such mild problems as their hair length, they will add a P.S., “Please don't send me a personal answer. My parents read all my mail!” 

Only a few teen-agers (yet enough to cause me concern) are threatening suicide or running away from home because of a parent-child communication gap. An example of severe communication-gap-itis is illustrated by the following letter:

I have a problem which I think is pretty serious. I hate my parents. It sure isn't a very nice thing to say, but I hate them. I dread liv- ing with them! They are so weird I just can't stand them. All they do is force me to do things. I have been wanting to write to you because they make me so mad, but I always forgive them. But now I just can't stand them any more. How can I tell them I hate them and don't want to live with them? I am so embarrassed and upset about it.- Parent Hater

Recently I was judge at the All-American Family Search. The teens of the 51 families attending were very honest in our forum discussions. They confirmed what my mail says about problems with parents:

• Teens want respect from adults.
• They don't respect an adult just because he's an adult. An adult must do what he can to merit a teen's respect.
• They want their parents to trust them more. Just because a girl broke her parents' trust once, she doesn't want to pay a price for it forever.
• They abhor inconsistent or hypocritical adult behavior - i.e., a father who takes up the collection plate on Sunday but goes out with women during the week or keeps pornography in his desk drawer.

I feel that much of the communication-generation gap could be avoided if we parents wouldn't make such big issues of what are essentially minor problems in the 11-to-13 age group. When a full-blown crisis develops over something, such as when to begin shaving legs, a girl is less likely to come to her parents when she's got a truly serious problem later. A sample letter: 

How can I get my mother to listen to me about getting a bra and wearing make-up? I'm 13, and she still won't let me have or do these things. When I ask her about them, she laughs. I can never have a serious talk with her. – Laughed At. 

About 15 percent of my mail deals with vices such as drugs, alcohol, cigarette-smoking. Drugs are the number-one vice. Most teens who write about drugs have tried them, have already paid a price, and are urging their peers to abstain. Many have had friends who have died from overdoses.

Some letters are from boys and girls with a friend on “Mary Jane” (marijuana) or LSD or heroin. They want to know what they can do to help the friend shake his habit. A few girls, and a few boys too, have friends who drink or smoke too much and wish they would cut down or stop. And of course many, many are deeply worried about drinking parents.

Fashions and grooming have diminished to only eight percent of my teen mail. In this category, however, the number-one question of the moment concerns the midi-length. Ninety percent of the teens I interviewed dislike the new longer skirts (especially the boys). Teens want to wear what they like. They couldn't care less about what New York or Paris dictates. If they tend at all towards the midi, it's for an inexpensive coat to wear over a mini-dress.

One thing is clear: the day when a boy sits down and writes to ask me what side of a girl to walk on is long gone. And this should tell the adults who have their heads in the sand to pull them out. I would make these four suggestions:

• Consider drugs and sex at an early age.
• Listen before saying no-and try to have a two-way communication.
• Endeavor to be honest.
• Show that you genuinely care.

Today's teens are pretty smart. We can't fool them. And, if we try to, we're in trouble. — By Jean Adams for The North County Times, 1971

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Boors and Spoons

“Whenever it is possible, a fork must be used in place of a spoon, and that same spoon, by the by, must never be left in a coffee or tea cup, but laid to rest politely and securely in the saucer.” – Ruth Ashmore  
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Ever since forks were paired with knives, forks have been designated as the ONLY implement or utensil to use for dining, while the use of spoons at the dining table has been relegated to just breakfast cereals, soups, chili, some plain ice creams and other types of liquid or semi-liquid foods served in bowls, along with tea, chocolate and coffee.  This is a common rule many in the etiquette community either tend to ignore, or simply do not teach, though it has been the rule for nearly 2 centuries. After all, spoons enabled those who could not pace themselves through a meal and wound up suffering from dyspeptic stomachs. One gilded age author, Ruth Ashmore, explained the basics of dining etiquette on a regular basis to young women across the United States and abroad.
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There is no such thing as a “dinner spoon,” though tableware companies have been trying to promote one for years now, A spoon’s function and use at a dining table is very limited and it is good to remember that fact. It may be the reason that during the latter part of the 1800’s, so many spoons became forks by way of patented designs for new utensils. Ice cream spoons became ice cream forks, terrapin soup spoons became terrapin forks, and so on. No rules were broken that way.

As a people, we Americans have been laughed at for eating too fast, and we are credited as being a nation of dyspeptics, writes Ruth Ashmore in her interesting department, “Side Talks with Girls,” in the Ladies Home Journal. Now, of course, this is generalizing, but you, the eldest daughter, have it in your power to make the boor at the dinner or tea-table one of real delight, it is an easy matter, one you will find, to start some pleasant conversation to get your father and brother interested in the talk of the day, so that you will eat your food more slowly, and you will achieve what the Frenchmen consider the great art—you will dine, not merely feed yourself.

But there are a few little questions about table etiquette of the table that some girl wants to know, and these I am going to tell her. She must hold her knife by its handle, and never let her fingers reach up to its blade. Whenever it is possible, a fork must be used in place of a spoon, and that same spoon, by the by, must never be left in a coffee or tea cup, but laid to rest politely and securely in the saucer.

Glasses with handles are held by them. A goblet should be caught by the stem, the fingers not entwining the bowl part. Don't butter a large piece of bread and take bites from it; instead, break your bread in small pieces, one at a time. Butter it, that is, if you are eating butter, and convey it to your mouth by your fingers.

Olives, celery, radishes, strawberries with stems, and asparagus are all eaten from the fingers. The old method of eating cheese with a knife has been given up, with a fork being used in its place. The use of many small dishes for vegetables is not in good taste: indeed, many vegetables should not be served at one time.—From The Ladies Home Journal, as posted in the Sacramento Daily Union, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Collegiate Etiquette Advice for 1940

“Out in the sun once more! Try to walk gracefully, balancing your head on your shoulders, one foot in front of the other, and your back straight. Relax, and enjoy your surroundings…” — Okay, this might be a little too relaxed! Lounging on the grass might be better left for when classes are completely over!

There you go! Head down, books straggling out from beneath your arm, and your shoe laces untied, as you hurry across the campus at an ungainly gallop. You arrive in the classroom and plunk yourself down in the nearest chair, heave a sigh of relief and look around you.

You admire the grace and poise of the few of your classmates who manage to walk across the lawn without looking like the leaning tower of Pisa. You envy their powers of equilibrium, but you sigh and shake your head. Such gracefulness is not for you, besides, you never have time. Some day you are going to take a day off, learn how to walk and become a second Heddy Lamarr, but until you can afford that day off you will continue to blunder along somehow.

Why The Hurry?

Why not do something about it? You don't have to imitate the posture of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, just because you have a few (?) books to carry. Classes never begin on the hour, and even so, it is better to arrive just on time, than to rush in ahead of time with that expression of terror, mingled hope and fear, we note upon your visage.

In the first place, why not, when the bells have rung, and the instructor reluctantly bids you adieu, quietly collect your books, and leave the room slowly. Hold yourself back, if necessary, and be sure to keep your head up. Remember, you are not Hawkshaw on a case, which necessitates you running along with your nose on the ground.

Now, that you're safely out of the room, walk slowly down the hall (not too slowly) and notice how many people you miss, with whom you usually collide. 

You're On The Campus Now!

Out in the sun once more! Try to walk gracefully, balancing your head on your shoulders, one foot in front of the other, and your back straight. Relax, and enjoy your surroundings as you walk along. 

Notice your fellow students, which is a pleasure you miss when you are hurrying along watching the grass. When you enter your next class, pause first at the door, size up the room and the chairs, then go in and sit down. When you rush blindly in, it is several seconds before your eyes. adjust themselves, and you lose every semblance of poise.

Remember! You're a College student, and not the Man with the Hoe. You may feel like him (just before finals) but what you need is Poise! — Sally’s Social Slants for the Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Collegiate Agony Aunt

At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. 

Sally's Social Slants

The purpose of this column (every column has to have a purpose) is for the help of those who would really like to know a little bit more about etiquette. Of course this may be an old story to the disciples of Emily Post, but many a problem arises on the campus which leaves you at a loss.

For instance, you are standing on the lawn between classes, talking to a friend. At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. Before you can introduce them (you surmise they have never met) your acquaintance turns her attention to “that screamingly funny thing she just heard in the Co-op.” Your friend, baffled by the names of “Bill,” “Jane” and “Mary,” whom he doesn't know, and who, from her description, sound rather flighty, mutters something to you about “a class” and hurries away.

What To Do?

You are left with the acquaintance who gabbles cheerily on, not realizing that you heard only half of what she was saying. What to do? Should you have broken into her conversation and introduced them, should you have said quietly “We are discussing the football game” thus winning her undying hatred, or should you have raised your voice and drowned her out, introduced them and then quickly sprinted away.

The thing to do! Let us rehearse the scene. You were talking to your friend, you saw your acquaintance coming (unless she sneaked up on you anyhow the result would be the same), with her approaching footsteps your face should leave that of your friend, and fold into a welcoming smile. Meet her rising tide of small talk with a quick “Well, hello (add her name to show you know it) oh, that's too bad about your low grade. Do you know my friend, Ben Gassing? Ben, this is Lotta Smalltalk.” 

Why Not Explain?

Now your duty is done, Let Lotta rave on, or Ben fidget. They know each other. But is your duty done? In a strictly etiquettal (is there euch a word) sense it is. But it seems rather unkind to listen to Lotta's chatter about Mary, Jane, or Bill, when Ben knows nothing about them. If Lotta insists on telling this screamingly funny incident (and why not?) you should say to Ben “Do you know Mary, Jane or Bill?” If he does, so much the better; if he doesn't, and the story involves more than just their names you should explain briefly as “Bill is a football player,” or “Mary runs the feature column.” This puts everyone at his ease, which is the basic purpose of etiquette after all. – From The Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Declining Invite

 I would like to emphasize your point that the bride was correct to invite both you and your husband although she only knew you. The same would hold true for a business friend of your husband.

                  How does mate reject bid?

Dear Mrs. Tobin:

I am the girls' adviser in a large high school. When some of my former students marry they send an invitation to my husband and me. I know that this is the correct thing to do but my husband doesn't know the bride-to-be and is bored at the wedding and reception. He is perfectly willing to have me go and I really want to at- tend these functions. How do I word my RSVP to let the mother of the bride know I will be there but my husband will not? – Margaret G. 

Dear Margaret G.: 

The following is the correct form to use:

Mrs. John Phillip Jones accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Brown to the wedding and reception of their daughter on Wednesday the eighth of June at four o'clock St. Peter's Church but regrets that Mr. Jones will be unable to attend.

I would like to emphasize your point that the bride was correct to invite both you and your husband although she only knew you. The same would hold true for a business friend of your husband. You would be invited to the wedding too. – By Riv Tobin Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Gift Etiquette

Crystal ashtrays and electric percolators were very popular wedding gifts in 1975. Wedding gifts should always be acknowledged with a note of thanks from the newly married couple within 6 weeks of the wedding. Guests do not expect to receive their gifts to be returned if a couple’s tastes or needs no longer require them. Gifts can always be donated to charity. Never send a gift back to the gift giver, especially after a year. It is an insult and an exhibition of one’s relaxed etiquette standards.

Dear Mrs. Tobin: My daughter and son-in-law have been married a year and they recently took up the Mormon faith. One of my friends wrote and told me the beautiful crystal ash tray she sent them for a wedding gift had been returned to her along with a note explaining that they no longer had any need for such an item. Another friend had an electric percolator returned with the same message. Although I'm proud of the children I don’t feel they are handling the situation properly. Will you express your views, please? – Mrs. S. 

Dear Mrs. S.: To return any gift at any time, simply because one can no longer use it, is a breach of etiquette. And a year later? Really! The Goodwill is happy to receive unwanted merchandise. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Nosy at Dinner

Unless you have knowledge of markings of different companies, it may not only be tacky and impolite to check the makers of china plates, cups, etc… when a guest at a table, but you could accidentally break something very valuable or see a never removed discount price sticker still on the dish. If you really are enamored with a certain patterned dish or cup, etc… as a guest, you could also give the host or hostess a compliment on the dish and say that you’d love to know more about it, or something similar. Your host or hostess may be very obliging.

 Don't Turn China Over

Dear Mrs. Tobin; 

Is it proper to turn over, say a cup or plate, when dining at a friend’s home? I was severely criticized when all I wanted to do was read the manufacturer’s mark. –Curious in San Diego

 

Dear Curious: 

I think it looks crass. It would be better to tell your hostess how lovely her china is and let her fill you in on the details. If it's a pretty pattern and beautiful workmanship it really doesn’t make any difference whether it’s from a pottery in Japan, France, England or the catalog from a discount house in the United States. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1977

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Question of Royal Etiquette

                       

According to Town & Country Magazine, “For years, there has been a curious rumor circulating around the British media that President Jimmy Carter once kissed Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother. But did it really happen? Well, it depends on who you ask. The alleged kiss is believed to have taken place during a May 1977 dinner at Buckingham Palace, where the 39th U.S. president had the pleasure of meeting the royal family and several NATO leaders. When Carter went to say goodbye to Queen Elizabeth II's mother at the end of the night, it was reported he broke protocol and gave the matriarch a peck on the cheek. (It is customary that a royal is greeted with a bow, curtsy, or handshake.) But at the time, the British tabloids had heard the Queen Mother say he actually kissed her lips.” – Town & Country

 

Dear Mrs. Tobin:
Please settle an argument on two points of British royalty. What is the difference, if any, between the heir apparent and the heir presumptive. Also what’s the distinction between the queen mother and the dowager queen? – Just a Mr. and Mrs.

 

Dear Mr. and Mrs.:
According to the American College Dictionary, an heir apparent is one whose right is indefeasible, provided he survives the ancestor. Prince Charles is the heir apparent to the British throne. An heir presumptive is one whose expectation may be defeated by the birth of a nearer heir.

A queen dowager is the widow of a King. A queen mother is a queen dowager who is also the mother of a reining sovereign. Please note that the words queen dowager and queen mother are spelled with small letters. In speaking of THE Queen Mother, the term becomes a pronoun and so is capitalized. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wedding Etiquette for Invites, Attire

Some brides do invite the officiating clergyman and his wife to the reception, if they are socially acquainted and congenial; however, more often, I believe this is not done. Neither the officiating clergymen nor his wife should attend unless specifically invited.

Going Uninvited to a Wedding & Men’s Wedding Attire

Question: “Is a minister’s wife expected to attend the wedding of a member of her husband’s congregation when her husband has been asked to perform the ceremony and she has received no formal invitation?”

Answer: She should not attend unless formally invited. Some brides do invite the officiating clergyman and his wife to the reception, if they are socially acquainted and congenial; however, more often, I believe this is not done. Neither the officiating clergymen nor his wife should attend unless specifically invited.

At home weddings, the clergyman should definitely be asked to remain and share the refreshments, even though no invitation was sent to him and his wife and whether he was, until that time, a stranger to the bride and her parents.

A formal invitation should not be sent to the clergyman unless his wife’s name is included. In fact, no invitation should be sent to a man unless his wife’s name is included and vice versa. This is correct even when the bride and groom know only the husband or the wife. To omit either a husband’s or a wife’s name from a wedding invitation is a grave broach of etiquette. If you feel odd about inviting someone you have never met, ‘tis better to omit both.

Question: May the bridegroom, best man and ushers wear tuxedos at a simple wedding ceremony taking place at 7 or 7:30 in the evening? The bride plans to wear a bridal gown and veil.

Answer: Surely, you may wear dinner jackets (tuxedos), especially if the bride will wear a dinner dress or even if she wears a wedding dress and veil made along simple lines. A formal evening wedding requires formal evening clothes – swallow-tail coat, etc… – Good Taste By Francine Markel, 1945

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette and Decor Advice 1940

Like your prayers, their locale should be your sanctum sanctorum - your boudoir, bedroom or private den to which also confine photographs and other portraits of your family. 

Good Taste

The picture on its walls will either make or mar your living room. If its general motif is to be gay or modern, do not adorn it with religious pictures. Like your prayers, their locale should be your sanctum sanctorum - your boudoir, bedroom or private den to which also confine photographs and other portraits of your family. 

For modernistic rooms, select modernistic pictures. For pictures with simple subjects - farm landscapes, peasants, etc… - select only simple frames. Court scenes or pictures of royalty in regal regalia look best in elaborate frames.

Where walls are light, pictures should be light and vice versa. Tall, narrow pictures and wide horizontal spaces require broad pictures. Hang the picture dominating your room so that its center of interest is at the level of your eye, if you are of average height.

Readers’ Questions Answered

Dear Miss Markel: As a recent bride, I am wondering how I should sign “thank you” notes and other letters John and Mary Smith or Mary and John Smith; also how should I sign my name- Mrs. Mary Smith or Mrs. John Smith?-M. S.


Answer- “Thank you” notes for wedding gifts should be signed by the bride, but in the body of the letter some reference should be made to the groom, thus: “John and I are simply thrilled with the lovely candlesticks you sent us.” When you sign your joint signatures, “Mary and John” is better. Your signature should be Mary Smith, omitting “Mrs.” You should, however, be addressed “Mrs. John Smith” and not “Mrs. Mary.”– Francine Markel, 1940

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Advice for Apartment Living

To afford more space, place the table against the wall rather than in the center of the room and if possible place it against the window to afford a view of the out-or-doors. 

Dear Miss Markel– I have taken an apartment with a dining alcove. Please give me some points as to how to furnish it.- Κ. Κ.

Answer- It should have furniture harmonizing with the living room, if it opens into it. To afford more space, place the table against the wall rather than in the center of the room and if possible place it against the window to afford a view of the out-or-doors. 

If your choice lies between a case of drawers and a sideboard, choose the former which is more suitable for such a space. Unless they are unusually decorative pieces, dishes should be kept out of sight.

 

Dear Miss Markel - My living room has five windows. Could you give me any hints about decorating them ... whether I should use draperies or merely glass curtains, etc., etc.? – І. М.

Answer- The windows should be dressed uniformly. You may use draperies if you wish. If so, they should be of plain rather than of a striking pattern. Let the view from the windows, as well as the objects in the room supply your decorative effect and in this way avoid the confusion of overemphasis. — Francine Markel, 1937

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Travel and More, 1937

The cost of your room and meals, tips to hotel porters who carry your luggage and any other expenditures which you personally incur should be paid by you.

Dear Miss Markel- I have been invited to go on an automobile trip with four of my friends. Please tell me just what share of the expenses are mine? – Judy

Answer- The cost of your room and meals, tips to hotel porters who carry your luggage and any other expenditures which you personally incur should be paid by you.

You should offer to share the cost of gasoline, oil and garage rent for the car. Perhaps your friends will not allow you to assume any share of these items, but you will feel more comfortable for having offered to pay.

Some people on joint trips, such as this, add up the entire expenses of the trip and divide it by the number of travelers (five in your case) each bearing an equal part. 

 

Dear Miss Markel- I am to be married and intend to continue working. How should I sign checks, receipts and other papers that require my name-Mrs. Mary Smith, Mary Smith or Mrs. J. Smith? J. L. D.

Answer– “Miss” or “Mrs.” should never be used in a woman’s signature. You should sign your name: Mary Smith. – By Francine Markel, 1937

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Queen and “Good Taste” in 1939

Queen Elizabeth II’s mother had only been the Queen of England in for 3 years in 1939. “The Queen Mum” had never expected to be Queen to the British Empire, but suddenly found herself the symbolic mother to the nation at a time of turmoil, when her brother in-law abdicated the throne and her husband was crowned King. Learning the nuances and unique royal family etiquette must have been daunting for her. The former Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon reportedly turned down her husband’s first two proposals of marriage, even though at that time, he was merely the Duke of York. She knew there would be strict rules she would need to adhere to if marrying into the royal family.

Q– Dear Miss Markel- When one is wearing mourning what social restrictions should be observed? – “Bereaved”

A- Such social invitations as to dances, evening theater parties, teas, receptions and afternoon affairs should not be accepted, but it is in good taste to enjoy with a few intimate friends a matinee performance of a more or less serious play or picture, a quiet dinner or luncheon. If such diversion will elevate your spirits, it would be foolish in these modern times to deprive yourself of them. But regardless of your feelings, make a heroic effort to maintain an existence as active, as normal and with as many direct personal contacts as before your bereavement.

On Good Taste

“A widely read authority on etiquette states in her book that it is bad taste to wear elbow-length gloves turned back at the wrist. But in the news reels I noted that the Queen of England does this,” writes one of my myriad correspondents.

I have replied that the Queen of England, aside from being the chief mentor of etiquette within her own empire, is a higher authority on that subject than any textbook author could be. For years she has had to study minutely the technique of social usage. It is one of the major studies of every reigning house.–By Francine Markel, Watkins Syndicate Distributors, 1939

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Typed Correspondence

While handwritten notes and letters are wonderful to send and receive, even Emily Post sent out personal letters and notes in which the bodies were typed, but signed by her. Perhaps Emily suffered from arthritis in her hands. — Image source, Etiquipedia private library

DEAR ABBY: I know that etiquette demands that ALL personal letters and notes be handwritten, and it is considered very poor manners to use a typewriter on these occasions, but this is my plight: I suffer from arthritis in the fingers of both hands and it is extremely difficult for me to use a pen. I am able, however, to use a typewriter, so I type all my letters and notes. Is it necessary for me to mention in my typewritten notes that I know better, but because of my arthritis I beg to be excused? KNOWS BETTER

 

DEAR KNOWS: I believe that regardless of what the etiquette books say, consideration, convenience and common sense should dictate behavior. I personally appreciate typewritten notes, the propriety of which never enters my head. – Abigail Van Buren, 1967

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia