Antebellum Dinner Etiquette, Pt. 3

Etiquette changed over the latter part of the 19th century in the United States. When this book was written in 1855, it was still poor etiquette to use cherry forks or other diminutive forks for eating the small fruits and berries. By the Gilded Age, these forks for fruits were quite proper and sold in sets of 4, 6, 8 and more! – “Fingers were undoubtedly made before forks; but, in most cases, forks are to be used in preference to fingers. But there are exceptions. One never uses a fork for olives, or cherries.”

The table should be set straight and orderly. A table set askew, is provoking to all people of regular habits. The linen upon it should be perfectly clean the finer, of course, the better. The service uniform, and plain white is by many preferred to any print. The knives are to be bright and sharp– the forks of silver, or plated metal, but of the broad, spoon-shaped fashion. Always provide napkins They are convenient in all cases, and in some of absolute necessity. There should be a salt cellar near every person; and no crowding of dishes.

With the simplest dinner, it is well to have the dishes of meat and vegetables, and the condiments, removed, and plates and knives and forks changed, for desert. These matters may seem unimportant; but they are not. Every elegant observance adds so much to the refinement of our lives. Have clear, well-washed, and brightly wiped glasses, for drinking. 

Two persons, very intimate, may drink from the same glass, and may even find a pleasure in doing so, but this intimacy should never be forced upon any one. In all things avoid the necessity of personal contact when it is disagreeable. You have no right to break a piece of bread in such a way as to leave a piece your finger has touched; nor to put your knife in the salt or butter, or your tea spoon in the sugar. There should of course be a salt spoon, a butter knife, and sugar shovel or tongs.

In these little matters, have nice things, or the nicest. White sugar really costs no more than brown; the whitest table salt is cheap enough; and a few shillings saved in an article that is to last you years, and always give you pleasure or pain, is poor economy. If you cannot afford costly material, let the pattern be as elegant as possible.

If needful, learn to carve coolly, neatly, and in an orderly fashion. You will learn more, however, in watching one accomplished dissection, than by all the instructions we can give. But at large tables, all joints, fowls, etc…. are removed to a side table and carved by a servant.

In helping any one to sauce, gravy, or vegetables, place them upon the side of the plate; never upon the article with which they are to be eaten.

When a plate of food is sent you, it is intended that you should keep it, unless you are particularly desired to send it to some person. It is not good manners for you to “pass it along,” but, contrary, quite the reverse. And, when you are on the helped, it is not at all needful that you wait for others. It is indeed a manifest injustice, for your food is cooling, and you sitting like a Tantalus, annoyed yourself, and annoying every one around you. 

Arrange your napkin and begin. Dinner is not a general scramble, in which it is necessary to start fair, like the Welsh congregation at the shipwreck.

Never overload the plate of a guest, or any person you would serve. It is not a delicate compliment. If you are to serve game, or any rarity, of which the supply is limited, use discretion, and “make it go round.”

Fish is never to be cut– use a fish slice or spoon in serving; and as a rule, use a spoon whenever it can be done. In eating, as in everything, do the best thing in the best manner. 

Fingers were undoubtedly made before forks; but, in most cases, forks are to be used in preference to fingers. But there are exceptions. One never uses a fork for olives, or cherries.

Where there are servants to help you, do not trouble those who are eating; but, if you sit near a lady, without watching her plate too closely, see that she has what is needful. Davy Crockett said that General Jackson was the politest man he ever saw; “for,” said he, “when he handed me the bottle of brandy, he looked the other way, so as not to see how much I drank.” Whether this anecdote be true or not, it gives an example of genuine good breeding.

Never press people unduly to eat or drink, or stay. True politeness consists in putting people at their ease, and giving them all possible freedom; but a fussy ceremoniousness is always impertinent.

The host does not send away his plate until all his guests have finished. It would be too strong a hint that they were eating too much, and should have finished.

After soup, where wine is drank, the host gives the signal, by asking some lady to take wine with him. He never asks gentlemen, but may be asked by them.

In sending your plate for anything, leave your knife and fork upon it. When you have finished any course or dish, lay knife and fork together, with the handles toward the right.

A well-trained waiter always brings what you ask for at your left hand, leaving your right free to take it from the salver; and a waiter never touches anything with his hands that it is possible to avoid. (A card or a letter is always brought upon a salver.)— From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Dinner Etiquette, Pt. 2

At first take claret; with the third course you may venture on sauterne or hock; with the game comes sherry, port, etc...; and champagne with the desert. A fashionable lady at Montreal condensed her opinion of the breeding of a fast American she met into a single sentence: “He is the sort of man, to take champagne wine with his soup.” If you are conscious of being “green,” wait and ripen in the light of good examples around you.

                             

The third course will bring the principal dishes– roast and boiled meats, fowls, etc...; and these are followed by game. There are also side dishes of various kinds. Game comes next; and then the cloth is removed.

There are a few rules which must not be violated. Your knife was made to cut your food with, and is never to be put to your mouth. The four or five pronged fork, now in general use, has this intention if you cannot manage with a fork, try a spoon.

Next comes fish. This you may dress with the proper condiments. There are catsups and sauces especially adapted to it. But don't presume to use your knife, nor to eat any vegetables with it. Take your fork in your right hand, and your bread in your left. Fish does not require cutting. Where fish is served at a small and informal dinner, or on Friday, as a principal dish, it is another affair. You may eat it with vegetables and use a knife; but when it only forms one of several courses, take a little, as of soup, and but once.

When you lay down your fork on the plate, the waiter removes it, and supplies you with a clean plate.

Unless you are with temperance people, or are yourself pledged to total abstinence, you will probably take wine. At the side of your plate you will find five glasses– a small one for madeira, sherry, etc..., a larger goblet for claret, a green glass for hock or sauterne, a deeper goblet for champagne, and another for water; or, the waiter who asks you what wine you will take, will give you a suitable glass. 

At first take claret; with the third course you may venture on sauterne or hock; with the game comes sherry, port, etc...; and champagne with the desert. A fashionable lady at Montreal condensed her opinion of the breeding of a fast American she met into a single sentence: “He is the sort of man, to take champagne wine with his soup.” If you are conscious of being “green,” wait and ripen in the light of good examples around you.

At the first part of a dinner there is much eating and little talking. When the appetite is satisfied this is changed.

Be exceedingly careful never to say or do anything at table which can produce disgust. If needful to remove anything from your mouth, do it carefully with the left hand. But if you eat prudently this will seldom be needful. Never use both hands to carry anything to your mouth. Break your bread, not bite it. Never be seen to pick your teeth. Wipe your nose, if needful, but never blow it at table. If you must spit, leave the room.

Before the cloth is removed, finger glasses, or large green or purple goblets, with tepid water, and a piece of lemon, will be placed by each plate. Don't mistake these for lemonade. Dip the tips of your fingers in the water, and wipe them on your napkin. Wet a corner of the napkin and wipe your mouth. The practice of rinsing the mouth with water from your goblet, and spirting it into the finger glass, is more suited to the privacy of your toilette than to a dinner table.

At the desert, help the ladies near you to puddings, pies, ice cream, confectionery, fruit, etc... Help strawberries with a spoon; but pass peaches, cherries, grapes, and olives, for each one to help himself with his fingers.

It is not customary to give toasts, or challenge people to take wine with you; it may, however, be done quietly and unobtrusively, as a familiar pleasantry.

Formerly, when ladies were supposed to be deficient in intellect, and gentlemen were truly deficient in decency, as soon as the dinner was over, and the gentlemen were ready for drinking, talking, smoking, and vile stories, and viler songs, the lady of the house gave a signal, the ladies rose, the gentlemen also, some one opened the door, and the ladies retired to the drawing room, while the gentlemen enjoyed their own peculiar pleasures. After-ward coffee or tea was served in the drawing room. But now that ladies can talk quite as well on most subjects as their lords, and that gentlemen think it as well to be decent in their own society, ladies remain at the dinner table, take champagne very prudently, if at all; coffee is served last, at the dinner table; and all retire together to the music, conversation, or flirtations of the drawing room.

This is about the routine of a fashionable dinner; and as our hotel keepers and steamboat captains intend to keep up with the fashions, a man who travels, if he goes into no society, properly so called, will do well to understand what is customary.

As the lion is best seen at feeding time, so the perfect gentleman and man of the world appears at best advantage at the table. Eating notably softens the temper and increases the geniality of most persons. If you want a favor of a man, see him after he has dined. The wine, with people who drink, has something to do with this, perhaps.

But while a man is eating, and in the early stages of his feast, he no more likes to be disturbed or annoyed than the lion aforesaid. In the early part of a dinner, then, be very quiet, and very careful of giving offence. Do not venture on a story, and be very sparing of your jokes, until the wire edge of hunger has been taken off.

The table should be set straight and orderly. A table set askew, is provoking to all people of regular habits. The linen upon it should be perfectly clean the finer, of course, the better. The service uniform, and plain white is by many preferred to any print. The knives are to be bright and sharp– the forks of silver, or plated metal, but of the broad, spoon-shaped fashion. Always provide napkins They are convenient in all cases, and in some of absolute necessity. There should be a salt cellar near every person; and no crowding of dishes.

With the simplest dinner, it is well to have the dishes of meat and vegetables, and the condiments, removed, and plates and knives and forks changed, for desert. These matters may seem unimportant; but they are not. Every elegant observance adds so much to the refinement of our lives. Have clear, well-washed, and brightly wiped glasses, for drinking. Two persons, very intimate, may drink from the same glass, and may even find a pleasure in doing so, but this intimacy should never be forced upon any one. In all things avoid the necessity of personal contact when it is disagreeable. You have no right to break a piece of bread in such a way as to leave a piece your finger has touched; nor to put your knife in the salt or butter, or your tea spoon in the sugar. There should of course be a salt spoon, a butter knife, and sugar shovel or tongs.

In these little matters, have nice things, or the nicest. White sugar really costs no more than brown; the whitest table salt is cheap enough; and a few shillings saved in an article that is to last you years, and always give you pleasure or pain, is poor economy. If you cannot afford costly material, let the pattern be as elegant as possible.

If needful, learn to carve coolly, neatly, and in an orderly fashion. You will learn more, however, in watching one accomplished dissection, than by all the instructions we can give. But at large tables, all joints, fowls, etc…. are removed to a side table and carved by a servant.

In helping any one to sauce, gravy, or vegetables, place them upon the side of the plate; never upon the article with which they are to be eaten.

When a plate of food is sent you, it is intended that you should keep it, unless you are particularly desired to send it to some person. It is not good manners for you to “pass it along,” but, contrary, quite the reverse. And, when you are on the helped, it is not at all needful that you wait for others. It is indeed a manifest injustice, for your food is cooling, and you sitting like a Tantalus, annoyed yourself, and annoying every one around you. 

Arrange your napkin and begin. Dinner is not a general scramble, in which it is necessary to start fair, like the Welsh congregation at the shipwreck.

Never overload the plate of a guest, or any person you would serve. It is not a delicate compliment. If you are to serve game, or any rarity, of which the supply is limited, use discretion, and “make it go round.”

Fish is never to be cut– use a fish slice or spoon in serving; and as a rule, use a spoon whenever it can be done. In eating, as in everything, do the best thing in the best manner.

Fingers were undoubtedly made before forks; but, in most cases, forks are to be used in preference to fingers. But there are exceptions. One never uses a fork for olives, or cherries.

Where there are servants to help you, do not trouble those who are eating; but, if you sit near a lady, without watching her plate too closely, see that she has what is needful. Davy Crockett said that General Jackson was the politest man he ever saw; “for,” said he, “when he handed me the bottle of brandy, he looked the other way, so as not to see how much I drank.” Whether this anecdote be true or not, it gives an example of genuine good breeding.

Never press people unduly to eat or drink, or stay. True politeness consists in putting people at their ease, and giving them all possible freedom; but a fussy ceremoniousness is always impertinent.

The host does not send away his plate until all his guests have finished. It would be too strong a hint that they were eating too much, and should have finished.

After soup, where wine is drank, the host gives the signal, by asking some lady to take wine with him. He never asks gentlemen, but may be asked by them.

In sending your plate for anything, leave your knife and fork upon it. When you have finished any course or dish, lay knife and fork together, with the handles toward the right.

A well-trained waiter always brings what you ask for at your left hand, leaving your right free to take it from the salver; and a waiter never touches anything with his hands that it is possible to avoid. (A card or a letter is always brought upon a salver.)— From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Dinner Etiquette, Pt. 1

Don’t make these mistakes as illustrated above! — And…
“Eat without the least noise. To suck soup into your mouth— to blow it— to tip up your plate— to send for a second plate, are things which might cause either of the ladies near you to faint or laugh, perhaps, behind their handkerchiefs.”

Be punctual when there is eating to be done. The dinner must not be served until every guest has arrived. Who would dare to face a dozen hungry men and women, and be responsible for a spoiled dinner? At a party, ball, concert, etc..., punctuality is of less consequence. Arrive at least fifteen minutes before the time; half an hour is better if you have come a distance, and need ablutions or other preparations, for which there should always be provided the necessary facilities.

When the servant announces that dinner is served, the master of the house presents his arm to the lady who, from age or position, is entitled to precedence. As ladies are not always explicit about their ages, and as our aristocratic distinctions are not very well defined, we may have some difficulty in this respect. As the “master of the feast” leads off the “first lady,” he will do well to invite some gentleman to follow him, who will offer his arm to the lady hostess. Each gentleman then attends some lady, and all assemble around the table. If the dining room is on the same floor, give the left arm; if you are to go down stairs, give the lady the wall.

In some cases, the place of each guest is designated by a card, with his or her name written upon it, beside the plate. There is much skill to be displayed in this arrangement. The lady to be particularly honored sits at the right-hand of the host, the gentleman at the left of the hostess. Then ladies and gentlemen are arranged so as to separate married couples as far as possible, of which the extreme example is the host and hostess, who are opposite each other, and so as to place each man between and vis a vis agreeable women.

You are expected to be very attentive to the lady at your right; to pass anything needful to the lady at your left, and to be very amiable to the lady opposite. But as fashionable tables are well provided with servants, a butler to carve, and a waiter behind nearly every chair, there is little labor, and should be no officiousness.

Sit firmly in your chair, without lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any gaucherie whatever. If a grace is to be asked, give it suitable reverence. Quakers, before eating, make a silent pause, for each person to ask his own blessing. When a clergyman is present, it is a kind of professional insult not to invite him to say grace. With many persons, habitually irreligious, some form of this kind is adhered to. It is good manners to pay a certain respect to all customs.

After grace, or when ready for eating, take your napkin from its ring, or your plate, or the goblet, in which it is folded, unfold and lay it in your lap. The waiter will bring a plate of soup first, of course. You will not refuse it. At a table d'hote, you can, of course, decline it, but at a private dinner party you must at least seem to honor it. If you eat it, do so delicately, with the spoon in your right hand, and a piece of bread in your left. Eat it as it is made, without any addition of condiments. A cook once committed suicide from mortification, because his master put some salt in his soup. He could not survive the mortification of such a professional indignity. Of course, he was a Frenchman.

Eat without the least noise. To suck soup into your mouth— to blow it— to tip up your plate— to send for a second plate, are things which might cause either of the ladies near you to faint or laugh, perhaps, behind their handkerchiefs.

Next comes fish. This you may dress with the proper condiments. There are catsups and sauces especially adapted to it. But don't presume to use your knife, nor to eat any vegetables with it. Take your fork in your right hand, and your bread in your left. Fish does not require cutting. Where fish is served at a small and informal dinner, or on Friday, as a principal dish, it is another affair. You may eat it with vegetables and use a knife; but when it only forms one of several courses, take a little, as of soup, and but once.

When you lay down your fork on the plate, the waiter removes it, and supplies you with a clean plate.

Unless you are with temperance people, or are yourself pledged to total abstinence, you will probably take wine. At the side of your plate you will find five glasses— a small one for madeira, sherry, etc..., a larger goblet for claret, a green glass for hock or sauterne, a deeper goblet for champagne, and another for water; or, the waiter who asks you what wine you will take, will give you a suitable glass. At first take claret; with the third course you may venture on sauterne or hock; with the game comes sherry, port, etc...; and champagne with the desert. A fashionable lady at Montreal condensed her opinion of the breeding of a fast American she met into a single sentence: “He is the sort of man, to take champagne wine with his soup.”

If you are conscious of being “green,” wait and ripen in the light of good examples around you. At the first part of a dinner there is much eating and little talking. When the appetite is satisfied this is changed. — From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners and Human Rights, Pt. 2

We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. “She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands,” they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work; behave according to your company; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

Good Manners Founded on Human Rights and Conformity of Manners

Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality-as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground; he may wear any clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended but his own-perhaps.

This “perhaps” is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence of unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected— ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality— as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground; he may wear any clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended but his own— perhaps.

This “perhaps” is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence of unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected-ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in the privacy of her own apartment, is just as much a lady, as sweet, and delicate, and refined, and every way beautiful, as in the parlor where I met her for a morning chat, or in the drawing-room where she is the cynosure of the evening party. Because everywhere the free being acts out his true nature. His life is instinctive and genuine; and his training has perfected his capabilities, so that habit is a second nature, which he does not violate. The true lady or gentleman is so under all circumstances; others act a part, but they must do this, and if from attraction, the true is developed in them, and they become what they wish to be thought, and then aspire to be.

A man wishes to suit his action to the company he is in, or to get out of it as soon as possible. If with noisy people, he too must make a noise, or suffer, or leave. He must be gay with those who laugh; sad with those who weep. A certain conformity of manners and life is necessary to politeness. One does not carry the style and dress of the Fifth avenue into a rustic country house. It would be very snobbish to do so. The dress and manner of a wedding are not suited to a funeral. When the king turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his own custom and all etiquette, because two country ladies did so, whose hospitality he was enjoying, he was more than a king— he was a true gentleman.

This conformity depends upon the law of harmony. Music is the key of social science. If I sing with other persons, I must sing the same tune, in the same pitch, or I am a nuisance. My tune may be better than theirs; I may pitch it to a better key; but if I have come to them, I must con form to their expression until I can bring them to mine, or I must leave them.

It is, in this way that refinement may become a miserable affectation; and a well bred man, in some social spheres, a nuisance in others. We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. “She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands,” they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work; behave according to your company; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

The true harmony is that of a man’s own nature. When all his own faculties are in accord, like the strings of a well-tuned harp, he is ready for everything that can contribute to his enjoyment. Such a man, true, self-loyal, tuned up to the concert pitch of his best life, is in harmony with universal nature, fitted to enjoy all melodies in every scale, and unmoved by the vulgar discords around him.

There is thus a higher standard of morals and manners than an observance of the tastes and wishes of those around us. There are rights relative; but there is also a right absolute, or an equilibrium and harmony of rights, which is the true point of dignity and manliness. In the person it is symmetry— in the carriage, ease— in relations, harmony — in results, happiness.— From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners and Human Rights, Pt. 1

Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

Good Manners Founded on Human Rights 

IT is becoming every day more evident, that all real things on this planet are based on certain principles of right or justice, which are adapted to the true nature and proper condition of all men and women. Arbitrary regulations, whether of manners or morals, are of little value, if they are not in accordance with these universal laws. For every possible requirement there must be some good reason. A law that is not founded in the natural principles of justice, is void from the beginning; or becomes of no effect, or obsolete, as soon as the emergency has passed for which it was ordained.

“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness,” Mr. Jefferson, are very comprehensive terms; but each includes the others; and each includes all rights. The right to live includes the right to all the conditions necessary to the most perfect development of the being and capabilities. Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

Every faculty and every organ has its own special rights. The right not to be offended— the right to gratification and pleasure. Take the senses, for example. Taste has the right not to be compelled to eat unsavory food; and the right to seek for gustatory enjoyments. The parent who compels a child to eat a piece of fat pork, or any other viand loathsome to its unperverted taste, violates the rights of this sense. It is violated wherever men are deprived of healthy food, and fruits of delightful flavors. The host who provides good food, and the cook who prepares it, exercise the politeness of taste, and satisfy the rights of appetite.

The smell has its rights, but they are everywhere violated. Whoever fills the air I must breathe with unpleasant odors, is guilty of a wrong. If the smell is merely unpleasant, it is an impoliteness; if unwholesome, it is a crime; and, as a general law, unpleasant odors are also unwholesome. Poor nose! Its rights are little recognized. Our streets are filled with nauseous odors; and the personal uncleanliness of many persons is an outrage to this sense. But of this hereafter.

Sight has a right to beauty, symmetry, and elegance of form; harmony of colors; grace of movement, and every pleasing quality. It has a right to fine scenery, noble architecture, elegant furniture and decorations, to exquisite works of art, and to all possible beauty of person, costume, and adornment. Its rights are denied by deprivation of these enjoyments, and it is outraged by every obtrusion of ugliness.

Hearing has the right to sweet and melodious sounds, and the grand harmonies of musical art: it is offended by noise, confusion, and all harsh, dissonant, and repulsive sounds.

If we suffer, it is probably for our own offences; with what justice, then, can we inflict our evils upon others? If you have a heartache, and any one has contracted to give you sympathy, it is your right, perhaps. You need not trouble the whole world. So if you have a toothache, let it be a private matter between yourself and your doctor or dentist. — From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

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