Etiquette and 1980’s “Polite Society”

A 1983 ‘Polite Room’ in warm tones from House Beautiful Magazine – “Warm colors compliment guests; sunny shades make people happy. Peaches, pinks and reds are the nicest colors for flattering guests. A yellow room always picks up the spirits...” 

All of a sudden it’s nice to be nice. After a long spell of putting “No. 1” first, thinking of others seems to have a novel attraction. What’s the tipoff? Everyone’s emerging interest in etiquette. 

All across the country, ex-“me generation” mothers are sending their toddlers to manners classes. Harvard Business School students are attending seminars on gracious entertaining. Updated etiquette books are selling like crazy. And, in the White House, propriety is politic. Welcome the polite society.

Sociologists say it’s a reaction to the “take me as I am” 196o’s and the “me-ism” of the 1970s. But, whatever the cause, the aim is definitely to please. The same gracious mood is guiding a new trend in home decorating. Friendly rooms which extend polite welcomes are replacing the self-centered environs of the high-tech age. 

“Warm colors, a relaxed mix of furnishings, intimate scale and lots of cushy, comfortable upholstery are the hallmarks of the new decorating etiquette,” says one interior design consultant. “These polite rooms are the essence of all-American graciousness. And, unlike the so-called civilized rooms of yesteryear, these ‘polite rooms’ put people at ease, engage their interest and emanate warmth.” 

Although decorating dogmas went out with engraved calling cards, today’s new courteous decors do share a standard code of behavior. Here are just some of the dictates: 

• An intimate scale creates a relaxed atmosphere. 
• An 8-by-10-foot area is a good size for conversation groupings. 
• In a larger room, designing a small library of music nook to create a cozy ambiance is recommended. 
• Warm colors compliment guests; sunny shades make people happy. Peaches, pinks and reds are the nicest colors for flattering guests. A yellow room always picks up the spirits. 
• Interesting accessories break the ice. Aside from making a room truly personal, handmade accessories, collections, flowers, books and art give people something to talk about. They are the niceties of decorating... the ‘white gloves and pearls.’ 
• A mix of styles and patterns sets a friendly tone. There’s nothing stiff about these polite rooms. 
• On the contrary, a warm blend of old and new and an artful combination of patterns and prints helps keep rooms from being too rigid, too formal, too cold. – The Sun, 1983

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Children Behave Better in a Clean House

“Household chaos is able to work in an additive way and predict children's problem behaviour over and above parenting, and is particularly potent when in combination with less positive/more negative parenting.”– The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry

Parents often feel torn between giving their children attention and doing domestic tasks – it has been a while since you spent time playing with little Jimmy, but the house could do with a vacuum. Should a tidy, well-organised home be a priority, though? Overall, studies show that children in chaotic households behave less well. 

Chaos is defined in these studies by asking participants how much they agree with simple statements such as, "You can't hear yourself think in our home" and "We are usually able to stay on top of things".  Children from disorganised homes where there is a lack of routine are more likely to be rude or antisocial. But poverty or lack of education could explain that. Indeed, crowding – insufficient accommodation space in relation to family size – is linked to problem behaviour. Interestingly, however, chaos is not more common in low-income families: rather, it overlaps with the way parents relate to their children. 

“In country houses having no 'modern conveniences,' every kitchen stove may have an ample boiler always filled with clean water, so that at all times hot water may be available for bathing purposes. It is unpardonable to live without at least this much provision for an essential condition of civilized life-- 'the cleanliness that is next to godliness'.” From Etiquette, Agnes H. Morton, 1919

Carers of small children from chaotic homes have been found to be significantly less responsive when relating to their offspring. They tend to be less involved, less vocally stimulating and more likely to interfere with attempts at exploration. They use more physical punishment, monitor their children's activities less, and are less consistent in how they discipline and for what. They also tend to feel less confident about their ability to control their children's behaviour.

A study of English families suggests how chaos and this pattern of parenting connect up. It asked 118 parents and their four- to eight-year-olds how chaotic their homes were, and about the warmth and enjoyment of each parent in caring for the child. Overall, in chaotic homes there was less parental warmth and enjoyment, and more anger and hostility. This remained true after gender and the age of the children were taken into account. As expected, the most difficult children were in homes with both the most negative parenting and the greatest level of chaos.

Children from disorganised homes where there is a lack of routine are more likely to be rude or antisocial.

But of particular interest was that the role of fathers was more important than that of mothers. The biggest impact on children was where the father was cold and joyless, and the home highly chaotic. In most studies of most subjects, since mothers tend to spend the greater amount of time with children and do more of the housework, it is more common for their relationship with children to be more significant than that of fathers.

Also, interestingly, positive parenting did not reduce the impact of chaos – chaos clearly had an independent effect. At the same time, an organised home did not eliminate problem behaviour in the children if the parenting was negative.

So it does seem that a measure of domestic order is a good idea, even if it does not make up for unengaged, joyless parenting. As countless studies have proved, children need boundaries. But what is the right balance between a warm, loving home and a tidy, organised one?

"Many mothers with small children feel overstretched. If fathers take up the slack and seriously engage, they can reduce the chaos and increase the amount of warmth and fun."

On the one hand, it would seem that no amount of huggy, lovey stuff will compensate if the house is a tip and the child has no idea when he will be getting supper or where his school clothes are. On the other, making your house a germ-free zone ruled by a military schedule is not enough.

Most important of all, it seems we dads can be critical, especially if the mum is chaos prone. Many mothers with small children feel overstretched. If fathers take up the slack and seriously engage, they can reduce the chaos and increase the amount of warmth and fun.

        

The main article, by Oliver James, first appeared in The Guardian, January 2011

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia