Properly Addressing Correspondence

How to Address an Envelope

It takes seconds to address an envelope.  And yet, we rarely receive a piece of mail with our name handwritten on it.

Sad, because this is the mail that makes our day!

When you check your mail, which pieces do you open first?  That's right, the cards and letters sent to you from someone who cares enough to take a moment and write a few lines - no special occasion required. 

In case you're out of practice, or were never sure how to address an envelope correctly, here are some basic rules for this meaningful task.

Titles

Men are addressed as Mr. and women are addressed as Ms.

Miss is used for girls up to the age of eighteen.  It can be used for single women as well, but the use of Ms. is the standard for adult women today.

Mrs. is used with a husband's name for a woman who is married.  If used with her given name, it signals that she is divorced.

Mrs. Thomas Banks (married)
Mrs. Sarah Banks (divorced)
Ms. Sarah Banks (any relationship status)

The Order of Names

Unmarried couples are addressed on two separate lines.  The woman's name is listed first.  For same sex couples, names may be listed alphabetically.

Ms. Sarah Johnson          Mr. Thomas Banks          123 Alpha Street          Anywhere, USA  09876

Mr. James Allen          Mr. Toby Welchel          456 Alpha Street          Anywhere, USA  09876

Married couples are addressed on a single line.

Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Banks
    or
    Mr. Thomas Banks and Ms. Sarah Johnson

If both names do not fit on one line, place the second name on a separate line, and indent it.

                                               Mr. Thomas Banks
                                                   and Ms. Sarah Johnson

When both recipients have military rank, the person with highest rank is listed first.

Colonel Thomas M. Banks and Lieutenant Sarah J. Banks

This also applies to non-military rank.

Senator Sarah J. Banks and Mr. Thomas M. Banks

Dr. and Mrs. Thomas M. Banks

But if both are doctors, you may shorten it a bit.

The Doctors Allen

Address an Envelope with Good Thoughts

Once you have the names of recipients listed correctly, be sure and double-check the mailing address.  You can look up zip codes and find additional tips on how to address an envelope on the United States Postal Service website.  

As you write the name and address on the envelope, think something positive about the person you're writing to.  Not only does this give you a good feeling in that moment, you may find that it carries over to the moment the envelope is opened!  Give it a try.  

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Hearing Impaired

Communicating with Someone 
Who Has a Hearing Loss

Over one billion people are deaf or have some degree of hearing loss.  Odds are you know someone who is experiencing this.  

Those who have an impairment have shared that they would hope others realize how costly it is to have to consciously focus on what others are saying.  It’s not that they don’t want to hear what others say, it’s that the focus becomes tiring during some conversations.

Human interaction is vital to each of us.  But how do we maintain etiquette-ful communication when all parties may not be able to fully participate?

Challenges in Communication

Hearing loss can vary from mild to severe.  One person I spoke with shared that the best thing for him is when the person with whom he is speaking doesn’t go on and on.  Keeping conversations short and concise helps him immensely.  As does enunciating and articulating.

Eye contact, while important in every interaction, is especially important when someone isn’t hearing all your words.  She often watches lips and “reads” what you are saying.

People who have hearing loss are aware they miss out on at least parts of conversations.  They:

• don’t want to be a burden in conversation.
• feel as if their remarks will be off topic due to mishearing.
• don’t like it when others (only trying to help) raise their voices in a way that is patronizing.
• don’t like attention drawn to them when others do this.
• feel many emotions due to their challenge.   

Being hearing challenged can be a lonely position.

Mindful Communication

Speaking with someone who can’t hear you presents a challenge.  Consideration and understanding are key during these interactions.

What to do:  

• Speak slowly and clearly and look at the face of those to whom you are talking.  This is always important, generally, and specifically in the case of someone who has an impairment.  
• Ask if you are speaking loudly enough.  The person will usually follow with specific information that will help you.
• Maintain good eye contact. 
• Be patient if you need to repeat what you’ve said.  (Take a breath.  Relax.)
• Think before you speak.  The “going on and on,” as a friend reported, is something that can be mindfully cut back on.

What not to do:

• Don’t exaggerate your facial and mouth movements.
• Do not speak loudly and forcibly slowly.
• Do not embarrass the person by getting angry or impatient because of her hearing issue. 
• Point out to others that the person is hard of hearing.  Not only might this embarrass him or her, but the conversation will often become pointed at you—as if you will be the one to interpret or help the hearing-challenged person.
  
  

Listening with Hearing Loss

Effective communication is not a 50-50 effort, it requires 100% participation from all parties.  If you have a hearing impairment, it is helpful if you:

• Let your conversation partners know you haven’t heard something – it could be important.
• Wear hearing assistant devices.
• Tilt your head in the best direction if the impairment is in one ear more than the other.
• Work to be patient with others, even if you are frustrated with yourself.

Maintaining and improving relationships is what being etiquette-ful helps us to do.  When someone experiences hearing loss, it affects every aspect of communication.  And it’s not just about one conversation participant or the other.  

Every participant in a conversation has an obligation to make that communication as effective as possible.  Communication is at the heart of every relationship.  Remaining mindful and considerate is always the thing to do.

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Regency Era Soirées and Parties

 

By the time Elizabeth Celnart wrote her book on etiquette in the early 1830's, table manners and dining etiquette were beginning to resemble much of what is acceptable etiquette now. Men’s hat’s were to be removed in a lady’s presence and at the table. — “In the 17th and early 18th centuries, etiquette forbade a man to uncover his head at meal times, except when a toast was being given. This painting, ‘Cavaliers and Ladies at Table,’ is by the Dutch artist Dirk Hals.” Patricia Easterbrook Roberts

I will now give a few words of advice to guests; puerile it may be, but which it is well to listen to, and observe. It is ridiculous to make a display of your napkin; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, or to pass it through your buttonhole; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask for meat instead of beef; for poultry instead of saying chicken, or turkey; to turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even when it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut with a knife your bread, which should be broken by your hand; and to pour your coffee into the saucer to cool.

Guests of the house of a distinguished personage are accompanied each by his own servant, who takes his place behind his chair. They should not address him during the entertainment, still less reprimand him. Before placing themselves at the table, they ought to direct him to serve the other guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared, because the domestics of the house ought to eat by themselves.

During the first course, each one helps himself at his pleasure to whatever he drinks; but, in the second course, when the master of the house passes round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. We are not obliged, however, to accept a second glass.

When at the end of the second course, the cloth is removed, the guests may assist in turning off that part of it which is before them, and contribute to the arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to be near, but without attempting to alter the disposition of them. From the time that the dessert appears on the table, the duties of the master of the house diminish, as do also his rights.

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at the table. He ought to be eager to offer them what he thinks to be most to their taste.

It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be general. If the company is large, we should converse with our neighbors, raising the voice only enough to make ourselves understood.

Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but, in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain.

It is for the mistress of the house to give the signal to leave the table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies, wait upon them to the drawing-room, where coffee and liqueurs are prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, except at unceremonious dinners. In leaving the table, the master of the house ought to go last. Politeness requires us to remain at least an hour in the drawing-room after dinner; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well to devote it to the person who has entertained us.

We should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some one to accompany her; if a young lady, she goes with her mother.

The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing at table, depends now upon the ton of the master of the house. We do not sing at the houses of people of fashion and the high classes of society; but we may do it at the social tables of citizens. In this case, we may repeat what has been said and proved a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged when we know how to sing, or to insist upon hearing a person sing who has an invincible timidity.

After dinner, we converse, have music, or more frequently, prepare the tables for games. In the course of the soirée, the mistress of the house sends round upon a waiter eau sucrée or refreshing syrups. During the week which follows the entertainment, each guest owes a visit to the person who has invited them. We usually converse at this time, of the dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the persons whom we met there. This visit has received the cant name of the visite de digestion. — Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Polite Treatment of Domestic Servants

Servants treated with suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the charm and value of this?

Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of justice, religion and humanity, is also a source of peace and pleasure. Servants treated with suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the charm and value of this?

Duties of this class require that you should never command your domestics with hauteur and harshness. Every time that they render you a service, it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look of thankfulness; it requires that you should be still more affectionate towards the domestics of your acquaintances, and especially towards those of your friends, whom you ought always to treat kindly. 

As to your own domestics, you should carefully beware of addressing to them any confidential or even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them insolent or familiar; but propriety requires you to listen to them with kindness, and give them salutary advice when it is for their interest.

It commands us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order to be able, when there is cause, to reprove them with firmness, without being obliged to have recourse to the false energy of anger.

The ton of domestics ordinarily announces that of their masters. Never suffer them to remain seated while answering distinguished persons who ask for you. Take care that they do it always in a civil and polite manner; let them lose no time, if there is occasion, in relieving your visitors of their over-shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, etc... let them go before, to save your visitors the trouble of opening and shutting the door. 

When an announcement is made, let them inform themselves respectfully of the name of the person, and pronounce it while holding open for them the door of your room. If you are not there, let them offer a seat, requesting the guests to wait a moment while they go to call you.

When visitors take leave, domestics ought to manifest a promptness in opening the outer door; they should hold the door by the handle, while you converse with the person whom you reconduct; they should present them respectfully with whatever garments they may have thrown off, and aid them in again putting them on; and should, if occasion requires, light them to the door, going slowly behind them.

Accustom your domestics never to appear before you too poorly, or too much dressed; never to sit in your presence, especially while waiting upon the table; not to enter into conversation; never to answer by signs, or in coarse terms.

It is only among the badly educated people of the small towns that they say, the 'maid,' the 'boy,' the 'domestic,' the 'servant;' and among the proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the 'lackey,' the 'valet,' 'my people;' well-bred persons simply say, the 'nurse,' the 'cook,' the 'chamber-maid,' etc... and what is still better, they designate their domestics by their Christian names.— Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Savoir Faire — 10 More Tips

 11. Don't order foods you are unfamiliar with, you don't know how to eat properly, or you have difficulty eating when you are dining and attempting to do business at the same time. These dishes may be tempting; however, you may feel too self-conscious to relax and be yourself, when how you look and conduct yourself will be scrutinized throughout the meal. (It is estimated that a full 1/3 of job applicants hoping to land top jobs in management positions are turned down based solely on their table manners, or lack thereof.)

For example: Pasta dishes, highly popular and tasty, are difficult to get from the plate to the mouth without tremendous dexterity. Regarding spaghetti, fettuccine, linguine and other long strands of pasta, these are the rules I give my clients:

• If you are given a large spoon to twirl the pasta into, keep the spoon down close to the dish, so sauce does not splatter on your clothes or other diners. 
• Hold the spoon at an angle in one hand and with your fork in the other, pull a few strands into the bowl of the spoon and “twirl” the fork until the strands grow into a neat little bundle to transfer to your mouth.
• If you don't feel comfortable using this American-Italian style with a spoon as a helper, or aren't given one, you should attempt to twirl the pasta without it. In proper dining, you are allowed to “cut” the pasta with the side of your fork, but never with a knife.
• If you still are not comfortable with the entire procedure, do what I do and order ravioli, rigatoni or other pastas that are shaped into tubes or pillows. Long strands of noodles, covered with sauce, don't really mix well when doing business.

12. If someone else is picking up the tab and orders for you, make a sincere attempt to eat the food. It is only polite in a few instances to turn the food down. Food allergies and religious dietary restrictions are two valid excuses for requesting a substitution. Other times, if you are quick, you can gracefully get a substitution if you know why the undesired dish is being ordered in the first place. 

While dining with family members one day, the person hosting the luncheon said very matter of factly, “I think you’ll all enjoy the chicken salad. We should all have that,” just as we opened our menus. Knowing she lives on a limited income and that price, not flavor, was the issue, I quickly checked the price of the chicken salad versus that of the Caesar salad. The Caesar salad was a dollar less. I said, “I had chicken yesterday for lunch, but the Caesar salad looks good.” She scanned her menu, looked relieved and said, “Yes, you should have that instead!”

In another instance, the escargot that was ordered for me couldn’t be turned down in the social situation I was in. I was relieved to see that the snails were so small, I realized I could swallow them without chewing them first, which is what I did. I popped them in my mouth, pretended to chew them, and drank lots of water! I have come to enjoy escargot a great deal now, and serve them on a regular basis, but at the time the thought of eating snails made me sick.. which leads me to Tip #13.

13. Bodily functions, recent operations, accidents on the highway, or anything else that might cause someone to lose his or her appetite, are subjects that are “off limits” when dining. Just because you don't feel queasy at the sound of something, doesn't mean everyone else shares your cast-iron stomach.

14. There are only three places for your napkin to be when dining out: 

• On your lap while you are seated. 
• On the seat of your chair when you are temporarily away from the table (in the restroom, for example).
• On the table, to the left of where your plate was originally.

15. Refrain from using toothpicks at the table. They are common in Europe, and offered at many restaurants in the U.S., however, rinsing bowls used to be too. Unfamiliar with mouth rinsing bowls? These were bowls of water that were brought to the table to rinse the mouth. Gargling wasn't acceptable, but after rinsing your mouth out, you had to spit the water back into the bowl and place it back on the table. Thankfully, these bowls fell out of popularity by the mid-1800s, and I wish toothpicks would do the same. If you have to pick your teeth, wait until you are alone and in private.

16. Don't gawk or laugh at other diners, or interrupt other diners that you might be acquainted with, in an effort to do some after-hours “networking,” or to get caught up on business. You could be intruding on a well-deserved evening out, lovebirds with nothing else on their minds but each other, or worse yet, a “Let’s-call-the-whole-thing-off” dinner. Some people feel safer surrounded by others when making changes in relationships, as it gives the whole thing of feeling of non-intimacy. You never know what you might be intruding on. A polite “Hello” is the only conversation you should get engaged in, unless you’re encouraged to stick around. Even then, don’t wear out your welcome.

17. Back to those lovebirds... If you want your sweetie to have a taste of your meal, the correct way to do it is this: have him or her pass the utensil from his or her plate. Use this to select a bite-size piece and carefully pass it back. It is never polite for someone to use his or her utensil to fish pieces of food out of someone else’s plate.

18. Food or utensils accidentally dropped to the floor should be retrieved by your waiter, waitress or a busboy. Ask politely for a replacement. It is too easy to up-end a table while trying to retrieve something for oneself.

19. Obey dress codes. Don't assume your sense of style is above what the management feels is in good taste. If the desire is to have the restaurant represented by a certain type of clothing, and you disagree but love the food, order the food to be taken out.

20. If you have a problem with other diners being too loud, obnoxious or unruly, take your problem to the manager or whoever is in charge. Don't attempt to settle the matter yourself. Consider the restaurant as you would a private home. Good restaurants have the savvy and the staff that will treat you as a guest, and they will look out for you. The words “host” and “hostess” weren't used originally in dining establishments simply for lack of better words. 

                                                         
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Savoir Faire — 10 Tips

Restaurant dining is a two-way street. We customers always expect everything to be right every time we dine out. But there are lots of little things we can do to help the restaurant make it the most enjoyable experience it can be. I know this, as years ago I was a restaurant manager, many years back when I was in college. I put together a list of 10 tips that can smooth out the experience and, at the same time, take into consideration the restaurant's position as well.

1. If you prefer to dine without the presence of small children, dine out later in the evening. Families tend to eat out earlier, so they can get kids bathed and ready for bed on schedule. If you are really serious about this issue, call the restaurant well ahead of time. Politely explain you don't care for the company of small children while you dine, and ask if the manager can please help you.

2. Tip #1 one also works well for food allergies and dietary restrictions, as well as any other special needs. The management usually will do their best to accommodate you. Going to extra trouble for you, ensures a certain customer trust and loyalty while eliminating any surprises later on.

Years ago, when my stepson was in a wheelchair and my son in a highchair, I called ahead to the restaurant at which a surprise family birthday dinner had been planned. They said they did not take reservations and I said that I understood, but would they please keep in mind we would be arriving about 7:00 p.m.? The manager said he would do what he could, but could not promise us anything, as Saturday was their busiest evening. 

I was thrilled when we arrived to find a table waiting for us at 7:00, even though they were running a half-hour wait. It wasn’t in a very scenic part of the restaurant and was quite noisy, next to the kitchen, but they had prepared for a large group party that needed special accommodations, as I had alerted them earlier in the week. We were very pleased and let our friends with kids know!

3. Be on time for reservations. If you will be more than 15 minutes late, call and let the host or hostess know. Even when reservations are not involved, as in the case with Tip #2, if we hadn't been there at 7:00 p.m. as I had said we would, I don't know if they would have held that table for us. A good restaurant manager likes to know if there are going to be any surprises. Especially on a Saturday night.

4. Remember you are “sharing” the place with everyone else dining there, so you are “sharing” the staff as well. The waiter or waitress is not your personal servant and should be treated with respect. Although there are poor examples to be found in every profession, on the whole, any group whose main source of income is derived from tips (as is the case here in the United States) and the generosity of those they serve, tends to care about how they perform their jobs.

As a grandmother and an etiquette teacher, I enjoy eating with small children. But it’s not everyone’s cup of tea... — If you prefer to dine without the presence of small children, dine out later in the evening. Families tend to eat out earlier, so they can get kids bathed and ready for bed on schedule. 

5. If you have a problem with your waiter, waitress or food, do not announce angrily, “I want to see the manager immediately!” Politely, ask the host or hostess if the manager is available, and say you would like to speak with him or her. Managers of chain restaurants, as well as privately owned establishments, are usually given authority to pick up tabs for diners who are having problems with the service or food. They are much more sympathetic to a polite patron than to a rude patron. They ultimately decide whether or not they wish you to return for another visit, based on your behavior.

6. Read the fine print on the menu. It will let you know ahead of time if you will be charged for splitting an order, substitutions, requiring separate checks, or any other special requests you want to make.

7. Most restaurants automatically add a gratuity tip to the check for a large groups. In some places “large” can mean over 6 people, and at others, it means over 15.

8. Try to be attentive when the server introduces himself or herself and lists nightly specials, etc... at your table. If you cannot remember his or her name, “Sir,” “Miss” and “Ma’am” are preferred to “Hey! You!” “Waiter” and “Waitress” are also acceptable.

9. The polite tip is 15% to 20% of the check, or tab. The cost of wine is not supposed to be included when figuring your percentage to tip on; however, I always include it as a rule if the server has been helpful in selecting the wine and quick to refill our glasses. Keep in mind, your server most likely gives a portion of his or her tips to the busboy and bartender.

10. Dine without a lot of showing us and fanfare. Don’t order for everyone else and don’t fight over the check, either. If you want to make sure you are paying for the meal, excuse yourself to the powder room or other area and discreetly talk with the host or manager instead. 

Dining out should be a fun experience for everyone in attendance, not a private stage show or an opportunity for someone to show just how much savoir faire he or she has. Don’t confuse arrogance with class. Just put your best foot forward and keep it out of your mouth. By the way, that's where the food goes.— Maura J. Graber

 
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

European 17th-18th C. Seating Etiquette

 ‘Eating together is a sign of friendship and equality, and yet people have always used the positioning of the “companions” as an expression of the power of each in relationship to the others.’ — The old Latin root word for “companion” meant to break bread with another person or people.

“A 17th century French print shows the well-marked squares on the tablecloth made by the linen press.” From Patricia Easterbrook Roberts,’ “Table Settings, Entertaining and Etiquette... A History and Guide”

Eating together is a sign of friendship and equality, and yet people have always used the positioning of the “companions” as an expression of the power of each in relationship to the others. Hierarchical seating arrangements make up one of the most intricate aspects of protocol, for placing guests at a table is a deeply political act. Where diners are not ranked, a political, or social and religious, statement is just as surely being made. 

A great and deliberate distinction is always created between meals that are formal and carefully structured, and those that are casual and relaxed. Intimacy can be fostered by “breaking the rules” (though one of the apparent paradoxes of social communications is that some level of formality must be maintained or relationship among dinner companions will be forfeited.) Seating arrangements are made to be rigidly adhered to, kept only in part, or rejected; in every case they are important.

Hierarchy at dinner is usually enforced when a group comes from a mixture of social backgrounds. we hear a good deal about what seems to us the outrageously discriminatory practices at medieval banquets. (One source of frustration for the scholars who research the history of medieval food is that the text of the period — and the Middle Ages are not unique in this — seldom describe the food served at a banquet in any detail; but they do make clear everything to do with precedence in the seating arrangements. This is because food was regarded as beneath literary consideration, whereas the seating was fascinating enough to be recorded.) 

Special guests and the host of the banquet sat at the raised “high table,” upon which stood a huge silver salt cellar, marking the place of the host or of an outstandingly important guest; the other people sat therefore “below the salt,” and the further away from it, the lower. The high-ups were deliberately given better food, and more of it.

Seventeenth-and-eighteenth century aristocrats in Europe, on the other hand, increasingly ate together in small groups, and would not hear of hierarchical seating; their host decided who would be a compatible group to invite, and guests sat down near the people they preferred. Tables were often quite small and, significantly, round. What had in fact happened at these “intimate suppers” was that the people who sat “below the salt” had simply been banished from the party.

During the course of two centuries, the lord of the manor had gradually removed himself, during dinner, from the side of his retainers, to eat with chosen companions in a room set apart from his great hall. It is easy— and so very modern— to be egalitarian once the lower orders have been placed in a totally different sphere, out of sight and out of mind, and certainly not invited to one's table. — From Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The History of Seating Etiquette

It was a common fiction that the order of precedence mattered more to the women than the men. The idea was that the men were too busy getting on with the work that needed to be done to worry about unintended flights. One suspects this fiction was no more true than the idea that men do not gossip.

To the Victorians (and diplomats today), where one sat at the table was very important. Feelings would be hurt, and tempers would flare, if these rules were violated.

In England, the order of precedence was set by one's rank in the tables of Nobility. Dukes ranked above Counts, and so forth. If two people held the same rank, then the order in which the titles were granted was the deciding factor. The holders of the title were men, and women took the precedence of their husbands.

For example, when 19 year old Consuelo Vanderbilt, as the wife of the Duke of Marlborough, went to dinner, she took precedence over women in their fifties and sixties who had not married as well.

In British colonial society this was carried further, and the order of precedence depended on the husband's job. Books of official order of precedence were published to set out the relationship between different jobs and time in those jobs. If one wanted to know the order of precedence of an assistant inspector general of forests, a District Judge in Lower Burma, a Lieutenant with seven years of service, and a sanitary commissioner, one merely looked in the official warrant of precedence.

In the United States, the question of precedence was mostly confined to Washington D.C., where the order among diplomats and politicians' ranks was important. Many hostesses did not use precedence in seating their guests — they placed people to ensure good conversation.

It was a common fiction that the order of precedence mattered more to the women than the men. The idea was that the men were too busy getting on with the work that needed to be done to worry about unintended flights. One suspects this fiction was no more true than the idea that men do not gossip.

In most of the United States there was little order of precedence, there being no nobility, or diplomatic or bureaucratic ranking to go by. What order there was took the form of the oldest woman being first or perhaps an out of town woman being first. If a new bride was present she often took precedence.— From Forgotten Elegance, 2002

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

U.S. Diplomatic Order of Precedence

“The new British diplomatic representative to the United States, Anthony Merry, and his wife were shocked and insulted when the President received them in worn clothing and slippers. In December 1803 at a formal dinner in the White House, no one offered to escort Mrs. Merry to dinner. In the dining room, Merry and his wife had to scramble for places at the table in competition with the other guests. The Marquis d'Yrujo, the Spanish diplomat, had the same experience. He and Merry agreed that this treatment was an insult to them and to their countries. The two diplomats and their wives sought to retaliate.”

In 1908, the Roosevelt Administration created the first U.S. Order of Precedence as a means of settling a history of embarrassment, confusion, and miscommunication amongst officials invited to events at the White House. As the structure of the federal government evolved, this list has adapted and grown. The President of the United States may make adjustments to the Cabinet, to give certain White House positions the status of Cabinet-rank which then follow the heads of the executive departments.

The U.S. Order of Precedence is used primarily in diplomacy. International rules on precedence were first established at the Congress of Vienna in 1815. By determining that envoys of equal title would be ranked according to the date and hour that they presented their credentials to the government that accredited them for service, the Congress of Vienna solidified a fair and justifiable system for diplomatic relations. These same rules are still used to determine the order of precedence of the Diplomatic Corps in Washington, D.C. Additionally, when on official business in the United States, foreign government officials are afforded the same protocol ranking as their corresponding position in the United States government.

A few basic principles regarding precedence should be noted. First, the host or hostess of a meeting or event always takes the primary position of precedence, regardless of their title or traditional ranking. Second, a person’s relative precedence may increase or decrease depending on the policy or context behind the specific meeting or event, or based on the wishes of the host on any occasion.

The methodology used in ordering officials for this list includes the United States Code; statutory prescription on precedence, including executive orders; well-established and widely- accepted principles, procedures, and traditions throughout the history of the order of precedence; the current structure of the federal government and the executive departments; and finally, recommendations by the Chief of Protocol based on practical treatment of a particular position or positions.

For any questions regarding the U.S. Order of Precedence, please email the Office of the Chief of Protocol at ProtocolHelp@state.gov. — From U.S. Order of Precedence

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Escargot

 

The classic shape of an escargot dish is round with 6 divots for the snail shells to sit in. Shown above is an antique escargot dish from France, accompanied by an escargot fork and escargot tongs from Chicago’s famous “Pump Room” restaurant.— “Occasionally, escargot was served at elegant meals. Snails call for their own special plates. The 1893 book, The Epicurion, gives several recipes for escargot and relates that they are often served in earthen or metal dishes, especially intended to receive the snail or the shell and the snail. It also notes a silver skewer or pick is used to remove the snail. The dishes must be earthen or metal as snails have to be cooked and served very hot to keep the butter from congealing. This type of dish could be placed in the oven and then carried directly to the dinner table.” — Wendell and Wes Schollander in Forgotten Elegance, 2001

Etiquette for Eating Escargot:

• Escargot is properly served as a hot appetizer. 
• Escargot tongs, with which to grip hot snail shells, are usually provided.
• The appetizer fork sits to the far right of a place setting, with the tines resting in the bowl of a soup spoon, or the fork sits flat on the table if there is no spoon for a soup course. It can occasionally be found at the left of the setting, if there are fewer than normal subsequent courses to be served which require forks.
• The escargot tongs are most often brought to the table when the escargot is served, as opposed to being pre-set at the place setting. In this manner, the tongs will not encroach on other the other settings. 
• If a hostess wishes to place them at the place settings beforehand, they can be placed to the left of the forks, but this can make each place setting much wider than planned, making them closer to the other guest’s settings.
• The plates should be very hot, so use caution when picking up snail shells with your tongs.
• The holder grips the shell with the left hand, while the right pulls out the snail with an escargot fork, pick or even an oyster fork. 
• After removing the snail from the shell, it is brought to the mouth with one’s fork after the tongs are set back down on the under-plate or dish, in a “rest position.”
• If there are no tongs, you may hold the shell with your napkin protecting the fingers, as the snails must be dug out of the shells. 
• Occasionally, snails are simply served in a round dish without their shells. They may be eaten, one at a time, with your escargot fork.
• Snails are eaten whole, like raw oysters. 
• After eating the snails, when the snail shells have cooled, it is proper to tilt them into the mouth to get the garlic butter and snail liquor, or one may sop this up with bits of French bread.
• Drop a few small pieces of bread into the dish and shells and sop up the butter sauce.
• Retrieve each piece individually with your escargot fork, and bring them to your mouth one at a time, using your fork to convey them.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Flatware for Informal Place Settings

 

“A few of the people you'll meet at every party. It will pay you to get along with them.” — It will also pay to know their names and primary uses so that you can easily “read” your place settings at luncheons and dinner parties.

Informal Place Setting Diagram —Only a luncheon or a very informal dinner setting will feature a cup, saucer and teaspoon. At formal dinner parties, coffee or tea are served away from the dining table. The service for coffee, tea or after dinner liqueurs, is brought out after the meal and usually served away from the table.

Eating is the one social activity common to everyone around the globe, but eating and dining are two different things. Practice dining when you are not in public and it will help you to avoid merely eating when among others.

“Table manners grew out of the fact that unless he is eating in a room empty of all but himself, a man eats in company and food is less appetizing if the other fellow's table manners are sloppy and disgusting. It matters little what sort of food is being served, whether the table is loaded with priceless silver and china or tin and graniteware; the simplest meal is made more attractive by the use of good table etiquette.”— From “Manners for Moderns,” 1938

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Formal Dinner Seating Arrangements

This diagram shows what was, in the Gilded Age, a reportedly popular French-style, dinner party seating arrangement. This savvy seating arrangement places the host and hostess in seats across from one another, midway to the center of the table on each side. The couple, seated in such close proximity to one another, can direct or control the conversation with their guests, and help the dinner party flow along more easily throughout the evening.

These diagrams above show a popular dinner party seating arrangement for rectangular tables, at which the host sits at one end and the next male “of importance” is seated at the opposite end. At these tables, the hostess sits on that guest’s left, while the woman next in importance sits on his right. Note that “importance” is a relative term. It can refer to rank, seniority, age or even to which guest traveled the furthest distance or who will next be celebrating a birthday.

“When the party numbers 6, 10, 14 and so forth, the more modern way of dispensing with end places entirely, and seating the host and hostess directly in the center of each side, is increasingly used. To make this come out right, the number along each side, as you can see, must be an uneven one such as three, five, seven. This places the host and hostess opposite in the midst of their party, allows them to direct and control the conversation as necessary and look after the general welfare of their guests. At the usual friendly dinner party, there is seldom a special “guest of honor.” If, however, you were giving the dinner party in honor of a particular woman guest, you would seat her at the right of the host. If a man were the one to be so distinguished, you would see him at the right of the hostess.”— From Helen Sprackling, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

American vs British Crescent Plate Use

A crescent plate as side dish, is a uniquely Victorian era creation. The use of crescent plates presented some practical problems not associated with the regular salad or other side plates. The crescent plate normally sits off to the left of the main plate but the crescent plate must be placed next to the main plate in space taken by silverware. Because of this problem, the crescent plate was placed above the forks on the left, or at times, to the top of the main plate.— Diagram from “Setting Your Table” by Helen Sprackling

“Salad plates are generally smaller versions of the dinner plate and may or may not be used at a formal dinner. They're almost certainly found at an informal dinner or luncheon. If the salad course is to be served with the game course, a practical problem arises — the game is hot, and the salad is cold. Anyone who has ever eaten a congealed salad with hot meat knows the salad will melt. In addition, the salad oils tend to mix with the game. To avoid these problems, the English started using a crescent salad plate.

“In the United States, such large crescent salad plates were not often produced; however, a smaller crescent bone plate was fairly common in American patterns. The crescent bone plate was used to hold the bones that were exposed when diners deboned their fish with their knives and forks. One can readily see the difference in size between a salad plate and a bone plate.

“The use of the crescent plates presented some practical problems not associated with the regular salad or other side plates. The crescent plate normally sits off to the left of the main plate but the crescent plate must be placed next to the main plate in space taken by silverware. Because of this problem, the crescent plate was placed above the forks on the left, or at times, to the top of the main plate.” — From “Forgotten Elegance,” 2002

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Using Crescent Plates Properly

Originally, crescent side plates at place settings were for depositing bones or other indigestibles from one’s meal in the U.S. and for eating one’s salad from in Great Britain. They came in a variety of sizes and shapes, depending on the manufacturer and design. Salad plates were larger. Bone plates were smaller.

The crescent plate may be used as a salad plate with the roast course. It was used in this manner at Queen Elizabeth's coronation dinner. 

“Many hostesses who have inherited lovely old French or English china services with the crescent salad plate, are now proudly using them. The crescent plate may be used as a bread and butter plate, as in photo #2, whenever one would be needed or, more formally, as a salad plate with the roast course. It was used in this manner at Queen Elizabeth's coronation dinner. See photo #1.”

The crescent plate may be used as a bread and butter plate, as in photo #2, whenever one would be needed.

 —From "Setting Your Table... Its Art, Etiquette and Service," by Helen Sprackling, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Hair, Toilettes and Fashion

 

I'll think about that tomorrow! 

“The toilet then wants harmony, which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty.” 

A lady in her decline, dressed in her hair, and wearing a dress with short sleeves, adorned with collars, bracelets, etc... offends against propriety as much as against her interest and dignity. The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men establishes but very little difference between that of young and old. The latter, however, ought to choose grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; to avoid garments too tight or too short, and not to have in view in their toilet any other object but ease and neatness.

Old ladies, whom custom requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long life, should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of curls. If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in a manner disagreeable or offensive, ladies ought to adopt in summer light garments, and delicate colors, and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep colors. Men till lately were almost free from this obligation; they used to be constantly clothed in broadcloth in all seasons: but now, although this may form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs for winter or summer, as may be suitable.

 

 

A Toilet Comb, patented in 1910 to help ladies push stray, shorter hairs under longer hairs, when finishing their style. 

 

Unless the care of their health, or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig, it is more proper that old persons should show their white and noble heads. It is in good tone for gentlemen to wear a rich cloak; an outer garment over the coat (especially one of silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs to septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded outer coats.

To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it only remains for us to make a few observations. It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on foot, when dressed in her hair, or attired for the drawing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a provincial town where it is not customary to use carriages, they should go in a chair. Who does not perceive how laughable it is to see a lady who is clothed in satin lace, or velvet, laboriously traveling in the dust or mud. Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant wits, who are always a majority in the world, should amuse themselves by making your dress the description of your person. 

Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fashions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a spoiled child: but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fashions and asks how long they will probably last before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with success according to her size and figure. It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into a decent house, especially if one makes a ceremonious visit; and, when there is much mud, or when we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a carriage, or at least to put in requisition the services of a shoe-black at a short distance from the house.

 

“Patent for a Hair Receiver” from 1901 

Young people who become bald, should not hesitate to have recourse to wigs. Nothing more saddens the appearance, than those bald skulls, which seem always to invite the observations of the anatomist.

From “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes” by Elisabeth Celnart 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia