Etiquette and Affecting Superiority

A “gentleman” or French “gentilhomme.” —
“It is true that a cook maybe as much of a lady as any other woman, or a porter as true a gentleman as a President of the United States.”

Everybody reads the advertising columns of the newspaper. Advertisements are always worth looking at. They are a reflex of the business and social needs at the time, and of the manners and customs of the people. Here is a peculiar announcement cut from the columns of a California contemporary: 

‘Wanted—Situation by a middle-aged man and wife; the lady is a first class cook; the gentleman can do all kinds of out-door work; wait on table or act as porter; parties are colored, and late arrivals from the East.’ 

This reveals a rather ludicrous affectation in the use of the words “lady” and “gentleman,’’ where “man” and “woman” would be properly employed, although it is true that a cook maybe as much of a lady as any other woman, or a porter as true a gentleman as a President of the United States. 

Color does not figure in the case at all. Why should people be reluctant to call themselves men and women? No one speaks of Adam as the “first gentleman” or Eve as the “first lady.” But perhaps affectation will some day get to that pitch. —The Marysville Daily Appeal, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More on Manners vs Manner

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Be Natural — Due Regard for the Rights of Others, Harks True Politeness

Manner and manners are not precisely synonymous. One may possess ceremonious manners and in conjunction with these have a manner which antagonizes the very people whom the elaborate manners are intended to please. A boorish person may, by dint of careful imitation, acquire a veneer of courtesy, good so far as it goes, but when all is said only veneer, not the solid, polish-bearing wood. A person ignorant of social usages and unskilled in the conventionalities of the period maybe distinguished by a manner essentially charming. Manner is what we are, so to speak, in the grain. It is individuality. It is the outshining of the soul.

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Occasionally one meets a gently bred elderly person who has not adopted certain forms and modes which are at present in vogue, and who innocently fails to meet the requirements of good form— a thing to be regretted, because the greater should everywhere include the less, and a well-bred manner, should presuppose perfect manners. At all times the requirements of politeness are founded upon good sense, upon kindness of heart, upon due regard for the rights of others. The rude, the brusque, the abrupt, trample on the sensibilities of their friends, as well as invade propriety, sometimes defending themselves as natural, and declaring that they abhor affectation and adore sincerity. They appear not to recognize the fallacy in this. 

A natural manner should, of all manners in the world, be sincere. Sincerity does not imply brutality. Affectation is less heinous and offensive than cruelty, and cruelty exists wherever one person needlessly wounds another. Gentle manners do much to oil the machinery of life at home and in the community. It costs little effort to say, “I thank you” and “If you please,” to acknowledge every kindness as a favor worth appreciation ; but, were it otherwise, effort in this direction would be well repaid. Especially in our intercourse with children or with the aged, with those who are in any way at a disadvantage as compared with ourselves, should we be careful to exercise a cordial politeness. If this be the manner of our outlook in the world, it will influence our manners to all whom we meet. — Harper's Bazar, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Floriography and Etiquette

Floriography is a means of cryptological communication, through the use or arrangement of flowers and plants. In Kate Greenaway’s illustrated “Language of Flowers.”, there are over 30 meanings for as many types of roses. — photo source Cliff Graber

Symbolic meaning has been attributed to flowers for centuries. Originating in the Courts of Constantinople in early 18th-century Turkey, and spreading throughout the world, the term for this is “Floriography.” Floriography has been practiced in some form in traditional cultures throughout the world. 

Both flowers and plants are used as symbols in the Hebrew Bible, particularly for love and lovers. In the “Song of Songs,“ flowers and plants are symbolic for the Israelite people, as well as for the coming Messiah. 

In Western culture, popular authors like Shakespeare, ascribed symbolic meanings to flowers, which encouraged readers to employ the symbolisms. Interest in floriography soared in popular culture in Victorian England and in the United States during the 19th century. 

Most books on etiquette and decorum offered lengthy lists of flowers and their meanings. Coded messages, created with flowers, were sent as romantic gestures. The sender of such a bouquet could express feelings which would not be socially appropriate to verbalize or send in writing, during the Victorian era. 

Numerous books on flowers, plants and their meanings, were published in The 17th and 18th centuries. The most popular book in Western culture on floriography is Victorian, Kate Greenaway’s illustrated “Language of Flowers.” The book’s popularity continued into the Edwardian era and beyond.

In Greenaway’s book, no flower was left off of her extensive list. Roses had many meanings, depending on the type and color, as shown below:

1. Rose, Austrian — Thou art all that is lovely
2. Rose, Bridal — Happy love
3. Rose, Burgundy — Unconscious beauty
4. Rose, Cabbage — Ambassador of love
5. Rose, Campion — Only deserve my love
6. Rose, Carolina — Love is dangerous
7. Rose, China — Beauty always new
8. Rose, Christmas — Tranquillize my anxiety
9. Rose, Daily — Thy smile I aspire to
10. Rose, Damask — Brilliant complexion
11. Rose, Deep Red — Bashful shame
12. Rose, Dog — Pleasure and pain.
13. Rose, Guelder — Winter, Age
14. Rose, Hundred-leaved — Pride 
15. Rose, Japan — Beauty is your only attraction 
16. Rose, Maiden Blush — If you love me, you will find it out 
17. Rose, Multiflora — Grace 
18. Rose, Mundi — Variety
19. Rose, Musk — Capricious beauty
20. Rose, Musk, Cluster — Charming 
21. Rose, Single — Simplicity 
22. Rose, Thornless — Early attachment 
23. Rose, Unique — Call me not beautiful 
24. Rose, White — I am worthy of you 
25. Rose, White (withered) — Transient impressions.
26. Rose, Yellow — Decrease of love, Jealously
27. Rose, York and Lancaster — War 
28. Rose, Full-blown, placed over two Buds — Secrecy 
29. Rose, White and Red together — Unity 
30. Roses, Crown of — Reward of virtue 
31. Rosebud, Red — Pure and lovely
32. Rosebud, White — Girlhood 
33. Rosebud, Moss — Confession of love

        *From a variety of sources, including Wikipedia 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Oranges and Winter Holidays

“The stocking in which the Christmas treasures of our small boys and little girls are placed is capacious enough to satisfy any reasonable child, while it is not so large as to overtax the pockets or energies of parents. Could the same sort of stocking be imported and acclimated in New England and the West, Christmas trees would no longer have any excuse for being, and the stocking would be universally accepted as precisely the thing needed to fill every household with juvenile happiness on Christmas morning.” Life Magaxine, 1883

“In the nineteenth century, poor children dreamed all the year round of getting the precious, scented present of an orange for Christmas. Most of them did not know what an orange tasted like, or even if they would dare eat that golden, almost magical fruit.” - www.foodtimeline.org 

Why give oranges at Christmas?

Food historians trace the practice of proferring fresh fruit gifts for major celebrations to ancient times. These exquisite, perishable objects were expensive and reflected the giver's wealth and status. Indeed, before the age of speedy transportation and reliable refrigeration, fresh citrus fruit was out of reach of the average person. As time progressed, fresh fruit out of season (including oranges in Northern Europe and/or North America) was possible, but still rare. This made these items perfect Christmas gifts. Today, when oranges are inexpensive and readily available throughout the year, this little history tidbit is overlooked. A child today who encounters an orange at the toe of his Christmas stocking is unlikely to appreciate the message unless someone takes the time to share the history.

Special utensils and holders for eating and serving oranges were a sign of wealth in the Victorian era... “In these days of modern refrigeration and air-shipped produce, we tend to take perishable items for granted. But oranges and other citrus fruits were once a precious luxury in Europe and North America, enjoyed for only a brief period each year. Bright, sunny, and bursting with fragrant juice, oranges, clementines, mandarins, and other citrus made welcome Christmas gifts, especially in the midst of cold winter.” – www.spruceeats.com

"Strange and exotic fruits had begun to reach Britain...through trade with southern Europe where oranges, lemons and pomegranates were cultivated. The original home of the citrus fruits lay in northern India. They had been known to the Romans under the name of "Median apples', having apparently arrived from Persia; and their juice had been used as a medicine, and occasionally also to sharpen the tang of vinegar...The first Englishmen to enjoy oranges, lemons and 'Adams apples'... were probably crusaders who wintered with Richard Coure-de-Lion in the fruit groves around Jaffa in 1191-2. About a hundred years later citrus fruits had begun to arrive in England itself...

Also on the spice ships from southern Europe came great raisins, 'raisins of Corinth' or currants...prunes, figs and dates. All were consumed in vast quantities by the well-to-do, for the sweetness of dried fruits was greately appreciated while sugar was still rare and expensive. Poorer people ate them principally in festive pottages and pies during the twelve days of Christmas, but the rich enjoyed them at other times , too." — From “Food and Drink in Britain: From the Stone Age to the 19th Century,“ C. Anne Wilson [Academy Chicago:Chicago IL] 1991 (p. 332-4)

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An Etiquette Argument for Bowing

Reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, women are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold...”

Who Should Bow First ? —Who has not heard ladies express mild surprise because some man who had been presented to them had not bowed to them on the street, at the theater, or in the drawing room? If you ask them, “Did you recognize him?” they will be apt to reply, “ Oh, no; of course not. He should have spoken first.” Being reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, they are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold.” The truth is, the majority of women are naturally accustomed to men paying court to them; to his making the first advance in everything; that they can’t find it in their sexual sensitiveness, in their conventional selves, to obey a mandate they originally issued, and still insist on perpetuating. 

Not one woman in ten thousand has any fault to find with the rule; in fact, we have never known a woman to object to it. Nevertheless, she seldom follows it in her own case. Sometimes a woman says, as a sort of self justification, “Supposing I should speak to a man, on meeting him after an introduction, and he should not remember me. How awkward I should appear; how overwhelmed I should be with shame to observe that he did not recognize me. I can’t afford to place myself in a position to seem to be cut by any man.” If any number of women feel thus, the point of etiquette should be changed in order to save their sensibilities. In truth, however, the objection is not well made. 

There is not the smallest danger that any man, presuming him, of necessity, to be a gentleman, at least in respect to his observing the ordinary forms of courtesy, would refuse or hesitate to return the acknowledgement of a woman, even though he might not have the remotest recollection of ever having seen her before, or though he were convinced she had confounded him with somebody else. And the fact that he had been recognized by a woman would be the strongest presumptive evidence that he had been presented to her. Men are not likely either to forget their feminine acquaintances, or to mistake Mrs. Thompson for Mrs. Robinson, or Misa Blank for Miss Dash. – Sonoma Democrat, 1876

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Society’s Evils

Depiction of a Victorian Era lounge lizard, flirting with two young women. – “These gross breaches of decorum and violations of the rules of decency, cannot be taken notice of by those who are subjected to the inconvenience and mortification arising from such reprehensible acts.” 

Evil Society

It has been a subject for complaint, and very justly too, from those who have brought their families here, of the many occasions on which virtuous females are unwittingly insulted or placed in disagreeable and unpleasant predicaments by the rudeness and ill manners of the many loafers and unworthy characters who now infest our community. The many men who openly indulge in acts of licentiousness, publicly violate the rules and usages of decent society, and who are palpably guilty of the most inexcusable breaches of decorum and good behavior, must eventually hide their diminished heads, cover their deeds with darkness, or conform to a system of morals that now governs our most worthy and refined communities. 

There are, very unfortunately, many persons among us who apparently have nothing else to do but to idle away their time in hanging around bar-rooms or standing on street corners and public places, whistling for want of thought, and vulgarly staring into the face of every female who passes by. We have heard numberless complaints from our most respectable and worthy citizens, whose families in walking through our streets are subjected to the impudent stare, licentious criticism or ribald jest of some loafer whose daily haunts are the card table and the rum shop. And again, many whose families visit places of amusement or popular assemblages, are to be thrown in company with brazen-faced harridans and depraved characters whose presence, pollutes the atmosphere of all public places in the city. 

The habits contracted by many persons who were here at an early day, have not been corrected by the better influences now prevailing and many are so lost to shame and so far forgetful of self-respect as to form associations which their early education would have taught them to shun with the greatest care. The most charitable supposition would lead us to believe that a residence here of a few years without the benefits to be derived from refined and moral associations might have had sufficient influence to make one forget the duties he owes to himself and society. 

These gross breaches of decorum and violations of the rules of decency, cannot be taken notice of by those who are subjected to the inconvenience and mortification arising from such reprehensible acts. As evil they will naturally grow, small by degrees, and beautifully less as our country grows older and will eventually disappear before the irresistible force of public opinion. The rudeness of society, the unsettled condition of the country, or the long absence from domestic comforts nnd restraints, by conventional rules of civilised communities, should never for a moment make a gentleman forget what is becoming of himself and due to those around him. – Daily Alta, 1852

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and 19th C. Politeness

"Acquaintances made in travelling, or accidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you afterwards find that the acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable?"

Rules of Politeness and Introductions

As a general role, do not introduce a gentleman to a lady without first privately asking her permission. In going through the ceremony of introducing, pronounce the name of the lady first, adding; "Permit me to present to you Mr. —. " In introducing two gentlemen, present the younger one to the elder, or the one of lower rank to the one of the higher. If the gentlemen are about the same age, and equal in society, present the stranger to the one with whom you are the most intimate. The best form of expression that can be used in introducing two gentlemen, who are in the same circle, is to say; " Mr.— let me make you acquainted wilh Mr. —." But if you are addressing an elderly gentleman, always say, "Mr. — , permit me to present to you Mr. — ." 

A lady should always be perfectly at her ease while introducing her friends to one another, as she has, while performing this necessary little ceremony, great opportunity of proving whether or not her manners are truly graceful. It is not considered fashionable to introduce two persons who accidentally meet in your parlor, and who are paying you a morning visit. The object of this custom in France, (where it first arose) was to prevent formality, as visitors were expected to converse together without an introduction, and were afterwards at liberty to recognize each other or not just as they pleased. It is, therefore, in good taste if you find your guests do not converse together without an introduction to present them to one another. Never introduce in the street, unless the third person joins and walks with you. You may make an exception to this rule when the parties are mutually desirious of knowing one another. 

If you are walking with one lady, do not stop to converse with others who are unknown to her, as she must necessarily feel unpleasant. If you are walking with a gentleman you may follow the bent of your inclination, for if he is well bred he will attend your pleasure without evincing either impatience or awkwardness. A lady is at liberty to take either another lady or a gentleman to pay a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission: but she should never allow a gentleman the same liberty, if he desires to make any of his friends known to her, he must first ask if the acquaintance would be agreeable. 

A lady who is invited to an evening assembly may always request a gentleman who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany her. Acquaintances made in travelling, or accidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you afterwards finds that the 
acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable. When a gentleman is presented to a lady, if she is in her own house, and desires to welcome him, she may shake hands with him, but on any other occasion, unless the gentleman is venerable, or the bosom frfend of the husband or father, this practice is reprehensible. The same rule should be observed when a lady is introduced to a lady: although in this country the habit of shaking hands is very general. 

In introducing a friend, be as cautious of saying too much in his favor, as too little, for if the introduced be really the possessor of very good qualities, they will soon be lound out, and more appreciated than if they had in the first instance been all told. At a large dinner or evening party, although some persons strictly adhere to the French custom of not introducing, the mistress of the house shows real politeness by presenting to one another those persons who she thinks will assimilate in their dispositions. If there are strangers present, a party in America is apt to become formal through the omission of introductions; not so in Paris, where everybody converses with his neighbor without going through the unnecessary ceremony of a presentation. — Scientific American Magazine, 1846

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Naturally

"No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches..."

Be Natural — Act Naturally 

One of the fashionable follies of the day is the affectation of great coolness. It is considered vulgar to be demonstrative. You meet an old friend; it is a blessing to your eyes to behold him once more. Your heart leaps up at sight of him—your impulse is to grasp him warmly by the hand. You feel almost like embracing him. You must do nothing of the kind. No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches. 

Self-possession is a strong quality, but we do not believe in this kind of self-possession. And people who school themselves in this are not apt to have the other and better kind. They are not apt to manifest self-possession on such as really call for it—occasions of difficulty and danger, and of great trials. Touch their self-love, make an unusual demand upon them for self-denial, and their assumed and superficial self-possession vanishes in an instant. For ourselves, we like naturalness of manner. Seem as you feel. Let the heart speak out, or what is the use in having a heart? There are crops which grow only on light soils, and the school of philosophy —miscalled philosophy—of which we speak must have originated in shallow brains. — Red Bluff Independent, 1874

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Retro Etiquette of the Sexes

 When a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. Begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.

Social Etiquette:

The Differing Courtesies That Marked Good Breeding in Man and in Woman, from 1891

 "Are girls as well bred as boys?" Yes— and no! says Marion Harland in answering this question in The Weekly. Their training lies along different lines. One thing must always be considered —namely, that a woman's part is in many points of etiquette, passive. It is the man who takes the initiative, and who is made such a prominent figure that all eyes are drawn to him. Have you ever noticed it? Man proposes, woman accepts. Man stands, woman remains seated. Man lifts his hat, woman merely bows. Man acts as escort, woman as the escorted. So when a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. For this reason, begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.


I often wish there were any one point in which a woman could show her genuine ladyhood as a man displays his gentlehood by the management of his hat—raising it entirely from the head on meeting a woman, lifting it when the lady with whom he is walking bows to an acquaintance, or, when his man companion greets a friend, baring his head on meeting, parting from or kissing mother, sister or wife. These, with other points, such as rising when a woman enters the room and remaining standing until she is seated, giving her the precedence in passing in or out of a door and picking up the handkerchief or glove she lets fall—are sure indices of the gentleman, or by their absence, mark the boor.

But our girl should not think that she can afford to overlook the acts of tactful courtesy which are her duty, as well as her brother's. Her temptation is often to exercise a patronizing toleration toward her elders, aud while she is not actually disrespectful, she still has the air of a very superior young being, holding converse with a person who has the advantage merely in the accident of years. Another of our girl's mistakes is that of imagining that brusqueness and pertness are wit. There is no other error more common with girls from fifteen to eighteen, and they generally choose a boy as the butt of their sarcastic remarks—and, to their shame, be it said, they frequently select a lad who is too courteous to retort in kind. — From "The Weekly" as reported in the Los Angeles Herald, 1891

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Etiquette, Modesty and Dress

Oh, the irony! She wears a bathing dress that shows her limbs half way up to the knee, and doesn't care who sees them; but in the evening, when at home, if her dress should expose the least bit of a striped stocking to the gaze of her most intimate friends, she would clutch it frantically and drag it down quicker than chain-lightening.

The Absence of Etiquette in the Water

It is astonishing to see how much a young lady becomes attached to a gentleman while in the water, who she would barely recognize on the street the day before. We have seen such a one clasp a young man lovingly around the neck, just because a roller, a little larger than usual came along, and he had considerable difficulty in releasing himself before he was choked to death. 

The same young lady wears a bathing dress that shows her limbs half way up to the knee, and doesn't care who sees them; but in the evening, when at home, if her dress should expose the least bit of a striped stocking to the gaze of her most intimate friends, she would clutch it frantically and drag it down quicker than chain-lightening, while her face would become suffused with blushes. It makes a power of difference where we are, and what we're doing. (We presume that the same lady would blush to look upon Antony and Cleopatra.) – California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1877

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Prussian Princess Etiquette

On State occasions, there is comparatively little ceremony observed here, but everyday life of the Prussian royal family seems to be regulated more strictly on the principle of etiquette, than that of Queen Victoria. 

Victoria's Daughter in Prussia

The Berlin correspondent of the Daily Telegraph writes as follows: The reserve manner at the Royal palace has given rite to various rumors, which have caused much delight to the good people here. The heroine of the incidents I refer to is Princess Victoria. You must know that on State occasions, there is comparatively little ceremony observed here, while the everyday life of the Royal family seems to be regulated more strictly on the principle of etiquette, than that of Queen Victoria.

A Prussian Princess, for instance, is not allowed by her Mistress of the Robes to take up a chair, and, after having carried it through the whole breadth of the room, to put it down in another corner. It was while committing such an act that Princess Victoria was lately caught by Countess Perponcher. 

The venerable lady remonstrated, with a considerable degree of official earnestness. 'I tell you what,' she replied — nothing daunted the royal heroine of the story — 'I tell you what, my dear Countess, you are probably aware of the fact of my mother being the Queen of England?' The Countess bowed in assent. 'Well,' resumed the bold Princess, 'then I must reveal to you another fact. Her Majesty the Queen of Great Britain and Ireland, has not once, but very often, so far forgotten herself as to take up a chair. I speak from personal observation, I can assure you. Nay, I am not greatly deceived, I noticed one day my mother carrying a chair in each hand, in order to set them for her children. Do you really think that my dignity forbids anything which is frequently done by the Queen of England?' 

The Countess bowed again and retired, perhaps not without a little astonishment at the biographical information she had heard. However, she knew her office, and resolved to prove not less staunch to her duties than the Princess to her principles. A scene similar to the one narrated recently happened, when Countess Perponcher, on entering one of the remote chambers, took the Princess by surprise, while busily engaged in the homely occupation of arranging and stowing away a quantity of linen, but all objections the Countess could urge were again beaten back in another equally unanswerable argument taken from the every day life of the Mistress of Windsor Castle. 

After having gained these two important victories, Princess Victoria, true to the auspicious omen of her name, carried the war into the enemy's camp. The Chambermaids, whose proper business it is to clean the rooms, discharge the duties of their position in silk dresses. The daughter of the richest sovereign in the world decided to put a stop to this extravagance.

One fine morning she had all the female servants summoned to her presence, and delivered what may be considered a highly successful maiden speech. She began by telling them the expense of their dresses must evidently exceed the rate of their wages. She added that as their wages were not to be raised, it would be very fortunate for them if they were allowed to assume cotton articles of clothing. 'In order to prevent every misunderstanding,' the Princess continued, 'I shall not only permit, but order you to do so. You might know that there ought always to be a difference in the dress of mistress and servant. Don't think that I want to hurt your feelings ; you will understand my intention at once, if I tell you that.' 

And now came the same unanswerable argument from the Court of St. James, she told them briefly that at that Court, people in their position performed their duties in cotton, and that she liked to be ruled by her mother's practice. — The Daily Alta, 1858

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Etiquette, Manners and Character

A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted.

Manners Are an Index of Character

A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals; and a rude person is often assumed to be a bad person. The manner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a better index of his character than what he does or says, for it is by the incidental expression given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer to judge him, for the reason that the former are involuntary. 

The manner in which a favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us more than the deed itself. The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride, or some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness with which the person who has done it speaks to you, or grasps your hand, is less likely to deceive. The manner of doing any thing, it has been truly said, is that which stamps its life and character on any action. A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted. — Our Deportment, 1881

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Fastidious Victorian Etiquette

“Never in any crisis of your life have I known you to have a handkerchief!”

“At a lecture, a special personal respect is due to the speaker. This is shown by a courteous attention and a general demeanor of interest and appreciation. If applause is merited, it should be given in a refined manner. The stamping of the feet is coarse, and the pounding of the floor with canes and umbrellas is as lazy as it is noisy. 

“The clapping of hands is a natural language of delight, and, when skillfully done, is an enthusiastic expression of approbation. Some effort is being made to substitute the waving of handkerchiefs as a symbol of approval or greeting to a favorite speaker, but it is quite probable that this silent signal will not take the place of the more active demonstration of clapping the hands, except on very quiet and intellectual occasions. 

“Scratching the head or ears, and picking the teeth, are operations that are properly attended to in one's own dressing-room. The conspicuous use of the handkerchief is in bad form. Blowing the nose is not a pleasant demonstration at any time, and at the table is simply unpardonable. A person of fastidious taste will take care of the nose in the quietest and most unobtrusive way, and refrain from disgusting other people of fastidious taste.”  —Agnes H. Morton 1892

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Etiquette and Royal Titles

To marry a Princess does not make a man a Prince, and royal etiquette thinks nothing of putting asunder bride and bridegroom.

To Marry a Princess Does Not Make a Man a Prince

Describing the scene at the dedication of the Royal Albert Hall, in London, our correspondent says :

The Queen came at 12:30. What the programme said should be done was done, the Prince of Wales and the rest of the committee receiving her Majesty as she descended from her carriage, and escorting her to the door, through which the great multitude of hushed spectators were waiting to see her appear. As she entered, the whole audience rose and organ and orchestra broke out together in the strains of the national anthem. For a moment the Queen halted on the upper step and just within the curtained doorway, courtesying low to the silent homage which the great audience was paving. Then she advanced, conducted by the Prince of Wales, quite slowly down the center of the hall between the lines of yeomen.

She wore, as she always wears, a black dress; this time a plain mourning dress of black silk, with black bonnet and gloves. The Princess of Wales followed in a robe of ruby colored velvet, and bonnet of the same. Her husband came as Colonel of Hussars, in a jacket laced and frogged as only hussar jackets in this world are, not suiting his stout figure. The Princess was accompanied by the Duke of Saxe-Coburg, in what looked like an Austrian cavalry uniform, all white. The Princess of Wales is pretty and popular, but to-day most eyes are turned on the figure that follows, all clad in white silk, with vail and bonnet of white, and a wreath of orange blossoms about her forehead.

It is the bride of last week, the Princess Louise, Marchioness of Lorne, by whose side walks her brother, Prince Arthur, not her husband. For to marry a Princess does not make a man a Prince, and royal etiquette thinks nothing of putting asunder bride and bridegroom. The Marquis, looking more boyish than ever, walks some ranks behind his wile, stands apart from her when they have reached the dais, and afterward, when the whole party go up to their boxes, cannot even sit in the same box with her. Nobody seems to be troubled about it, yet there in the cabinet-box yet there is that proud Duke of Argyll looking down on the curious scene, and one would really like to know what he thinks of the social law that ranges his son so far below his son's wife. – Sacramento Daily Union, 1871

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Introduction Etiquette and Sisters

If the three should be together and there was a desire to introduce them, the form would be to present the elder as Miss Smith and the other two by their given names.

If there are three sisters in a family named Smith and a call is made at their home, if Miss Smith is asked for, it is supposed that the elder sister is desired; the others if desired, are called by their given names. If met individually it would be proper to address either as Miss Smith. 

If the three should be together and there was a desire to introduce them, the form would be to present the elder as Miss Smith and the other two by their given names, in addition to the family name. That is the rule if you follow etiquette, but if you do not follow that, then you may introduce the sisters each by her given as well as family name. – San Francisco Call, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Ideal American Girls

Whether rich or poor, the one whose sterling good sense is equal to her emergencies; the one who is self-reliant without being bold, firm without being overbearing, brainy without being masculine, strong of nerve—"but yet a woman." 

“We are proud of the ideal American girl. I mean the one who is essentially a lady, whether rich or poor, the one whose sterling good sense is equal to her emergencies; the one who is self-reliant without being bold, firm without being overbearing, brainy without being masculine, strong of nerve—"but yet a woman." 

Let her be equipped for the battle of life, which in our state of society so many girls are fighting single-handed. Instruct her in business principles; teach her to use the discretion needed to move safely along the crowded thoroughfare and to follow the routine of the office or the studio, trusting that with busy head and busy hands she may be safe wherever duty leads her tireless feet. 

But in her hours of social recreation, when she will meet and solve the vital problems of her own personal life, she needs a subtle something more; the mother's wisdom to supply the deficiencies of her inexperience, the mother's love to enfold her in unspoken sympathy, the mother's approbation to rest upon her dutiful conduct like a benediction.” – From Agnes H. Morton's, 1893 book “Etiquette” 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Supper Etiquette at Balls

Courtesy toward his hostess and consideration for his friends demands that a man who can dance should do so. To accept an invitation to a ball and then refuse to dance shows that a man is lacking in good breeding. A man finding few friends at a ball should ask some friend, or the hostess, to introduce him to some women whom he can invite to dance. It is an act of discourtesy for a man not to request a dance of a woman to whom he has been introduced. A man escorting a woman to a ball should agree where to meet her after they have each left their wraps at the dressing-rooms.

SUPPER: The senior patroness leads the way to supper, escorted by the man honored for the occasion.

If one large table is provided, the men, assisted by the waiters, serve the women. When small tables are used, the patronesses generally sit by themselves, and the guests group themselves to their own satisfaction.

If a patroness asks a man to sit at her table, she should provide a partner for him, and in case of a previous engagement, he should notify her by mail.

WOMEN: A woman should always keep any engagement made, if possible. If, for a good reason, it is desired to break one, she should do so in ample time to enable the man to secure a partner. — The Book of Good Manners

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

19th C. Etiquette Advice for Gents

Even at home, it is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are unseen. 

Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is impolite, either when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be released.


Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, however, look over a book of engravings with propriety.


The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your manners, the more you will impress people of your good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity.


It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry feeling, though it is indulged in so largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman does not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled; and we only look paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of feeling. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly."


Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance, whatever our station, as to give orders in the "imperative mood," nor are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming.


It is a great thing to be able to walk like a gentleman—that is, to get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait of a clown, and stop before you reach the affected and flippant step of a dandy. In short, nothing but being a gentleman can ever give you the air and step of one. A man who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure to show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners can do for him.


A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so strong is the force of habit, that a gentleman will quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself. People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be suspected of having spent the most of their time in bar-rooms, and similar places. A gentleman never sits with his hat on in the theater. Gentlemen do not generally sit even in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any convenient place to put them.


The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on a lady into a carriage, or the box of a theater, you are to take off your hat; but such is not the custom among polite people in this country. The inconvenience of such a rule is a good reason against its observance in a country where the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the servility which is often attached to it in countries where the code of etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing a lady into a carriage, a gentleman may need to employ both his hands, and he has no third hand to hold on to his hat.


Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are unseen. — “Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness," 1866

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and American Ease

"Sprawling of all kinds is avoided by well-bred people, who shun excessive ease as much as excessive formality." Slouching, or sprawling, comes with the territory we guess, if you are spoiled and your mother is American.

With all the faults of manner of the American, no one would think of charging him with a want of ease. Generally feeling at home wherever he goes, he is as apt to be "hail fellow well met" with the King on his throne as with the lackey at the palace door. He is not likely to be taken to account for too much stiffness of body and formality of address. His facility of converse and flexibility of limb are proverbial, and few can equal him in expansiveness of sprawl, reach of boot, and readiness of "jaw." 

He is unapproachable as an acrobat, and his fine chair balance, or trick of heels up and head down, can not be surpassed by any performer on the social stage. When he presents himself, he is not unlike the clown of our early remembrance, who came with a run, a spring, a somersault, and the shout "Here I am !" We think that many of our countrymen and countrywomen might be improved by more reserve of manner and less flexibility of limb. 

Americans can dispense with much freedom of movement and looseness of posture, as indeed of ease of address, without any risk of incurring the imputation of being prigs. In society ordinarily termed good, it is not customary to sit upon more than one chair at a time, nor is the mantel-piece regarded as the proper place for the feet, however well turned the boot or delicately made the shoe. 

Sprawling of all kinds is avoided by well-bred people, who shun excessive ease as much as excessive formality. It may not be amiss to remind the heedless and the young that, on entering the room of the house of a stranger or that of a visiting acquaintance, it is not becoming to throw themselves at once on the sofa and stretch out their legs, or into the Voltaire or easy-chair, and sink into its luxurious depths. The common seat will be selected by the considerate, and all the exceptional provisions for extra ease and comfort left untouched until the invitation to enjoy them is given. –The Bazar Book of Decorum, 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Road Etiquette for Bicyclers

The basis of good manners in bicycling, as of good manners in everything else, is common sense and kindness. The whole manual of etiquette might be boiled down into the maxim "Use your head." 

Common Sense and Kindness Are the Basis of Action

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“Use Your Head” the Maxim

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What to Do in Cases of Emergency

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Quite Proper to Speak to a Wheelwoman In Distress Without an Introduction

Now that wheeling has ceased to be a fad and become a part of a normal life, a whole ritual is rapidly becoming as necessary to it, as life in a ball room. The basis of good manners in bicycling, as of good manners in everything else, is common sense and kindness. The whole manual of etiquette might be boiled down into the maxim "Use your head." 

Bicycling is more in need of a set of rules for behavior because of the peculiar conditions under which the sport is carried on. Men and women ride side by side for miles, and while a woman ostensibly, and voluntarily, puts herself on the same footing as her escort, by accepting the same conditions, she is still the weak member of the firm and needs a certain amount of helping to enjoyment and forbearance on hiils. 

One should never let his selfish desire to “plug” up a good hill for instance, pull him away from the aide of a lady whose weaker muscles (as well as a heavier wheel) make it necessary to dismount humbly and meekly at the foot and walk up. Of course, you show her how easy it is, and what a strong rider you are, and you can dismount at the top and wait for her, but it isn't kind. It's lonesome walking hills alone. 

It is always proper to speak to a wheel woman in distress without an introduction, but no service rendered to a woman in the road entitles a man to her acquaintance. 

In following a narrow path the rule is, “ladies first and leave a good distance behind them.” 

If a lady's wheel is so damaged tbat it must be taken some distance for repairs, leave your wheel with her while you take hers to the shop. 

As to the rules of the road, they are pretty well understood. Pass an approaching wheelman, vehicle or pedestrian on the right, and pass anything going in the same direction as yourself on the left. 

When you come up behind anything ring your bell. 

The rule for position has always been “ride on the left hand side of the lady,” and the reason is simply that one may have his good right arm ready to assist her, if it be necessary. Following this reasoning, it would seem that a left-handed man should reverse the position. But there is another reason in this rule for position, which is that riding on the right side of the road, the man is always between the lady and any vehicle that may pass them. 

Should you come up to a wagon at such a time that you will be forced to pass between it and another approaching team, take the lead and in a way, force open a passage for her to come through. Ride near the right hand horse as you pass him and do not pull over to the left until the lady has plenty of room in front of the horse.

At a corner, if you see cyclists on the cross street, go a little slow till you find out which of the three possible courses they mean to take. A slight turn to the left by you gives them a better chance to get by, but too much would cut them off from riding down the street up which you have come. Always be ready to give way rather than sprint by. Don't be ashamed to dismount. 

If you meet a runaway, a brass band and a bunch of wheelmen filling up the whole street, you will be better off on the ground than giving an exhibition of trick riding and fancy dodging. 

Lastly, in the city riding, remember that though the car you see may be going away from you, and you have plenty of time to get by the wagon, that cars on the other track come the other way and that if you are sprinting you may not be able to stop in time to clear the hidden foe. Also, an electric car comes out of a collision in better shape usually than either a man or a wheel.

Go slow and turn to the left till you find out what the other people mean to do. Don't cut them off. Look out for this. Don't try to sprint by the team. There may be a second car on the further track which you can't see. In a case of this kind, dismount. — Los Angeles Herald, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia