Gilded Age Etiquette and Dinners

Fake it ‘til you make it, or at least until your chef does! – If one did not have a pretend French chef, a gas oven was provided and left in the family kitchen. The meal went into the house in a caterer’s basket… – Image from HBO’s “The Gilded Age”

For those out West… Chicago, that is… 

The principal meal of all people of all ages has been undoubtedly dinner, and the lover of old time customs will find it both interesting and entertaining to notice the various changes which have taken place in the etiquette of the dinner table.-Chicago Herald

For those in NYC with no French chef, or even faux French chef …

There are perhaps thirty caterers within a mile of Union Square, New York city, who make a business of supplying private dining tables. For the regular customer, a gas oven is provided and left in the family kitchen. The meal goes to the house in a caterer’s basket, and is popped out of the basket into the oven. Therefore there is no danger of cold dinners. – From Women’s World, 1892

 

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Gilded Age and “Good Form”

Depiction of a Gilded Age Dinner Party 

Good Form: How it Differs 

from That of the Past 

in Various Important Respects

In a little book entitled “Good Form,” the etiquette of some few years ago is amusingly contrasted with that of today, when every thing is more succinct and expeditious than it used to be. When the ladies of John Leech’s time went to dinner parties they were shown into bedrooms and allowed some minutes to adjust their ringlets. Now they hand their cloak to a servant, and walk straight from their carriage or cab to the presence of their hostess.

At weddings in “the Forties” each bridesmaid had a groomsman to look after her and see that she had what she liked at the elaborate breakfasts of the matrimonial function of that day. Now there is only a “best man,” though how he comes by the superlative adjective when he is sole groomsman it is difficult to say. Among other changes of custom is that concerned with the bridesmaids’ dresses, which used to be given by the bride, And our authoress might have added that it is no dry-eyed. Crying has “gone out.” It was the very height of the fashion in the year 1827.

When Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton married Miss Rosina Wheeler, an eye witness of the ceremony describes both bride and bridegroom as being overcome with “sensibility,” pale, tottering and tearful. No one totters to the altar now. It would not be “good form.” But the bride must not, on the other hand, romp up the aisle in the exultation of her heart. The correct pace perhaps, is best described as resembling that of a policeman on his beat. It is slow and stately.

Another marked change in social customs is mentioned in connection with the etiquette of “small and early” parties. No longer does a hostess ask her guests to sing or play. This ordeal, so dreaded by the girl of a couple of decades ago, is no longer to be feared. “I hope you have brought some music, Miss Smith,” was frequently the prelude to a distracting performance that gave pleasure to no one, least of all to the player. And, strange to say, now that music is always professional, and generally worth listening to, it is difficult to persuade people to remain silent while it is going on; whereas when amateurs were singing it would have been considered a shocking piece of rudeness for any one to have talked till the lady had finished describing how she wore a wreath of roses, or the gentleman had finished dilating upon his homeless, ragged and tanned condition.

At the dinner table it was considered the duty of the host and bostess to urge their guests to eat. This custom in our own day is entirely abandoned, partly owing to the now universal style of having all dishes handed round. The board no longer groans as once it did, the weight of the viands being transferred to that chapel of ease, the sideboard, where, in seclusion, a hireling carves the joint and skillfully dissects the bird whose anatomy used to prove such an intricate problem to the bothered amateur at the end of the table. Skill in carving is not now one of the polite accomplishments wherewith it is necessary to equip a youth for his social career. Till now, etiquette books have been only unintentionally amusing, but the present writer treats her subject with a sense of humor that makes it easy reading.—London Daily News, 1889

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Gilded Age Fashion of Dinner Service

There are several types of soups, therefore there are several types of soup bowls and soup plates, with appropriate soup spoons to go with each. Above is a low, wide bowled, “soup plate.” It is not referred to as a “soup bowl.” - “When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the proper quantity, a soup plate should not be filled with soup.”

The usual and fashionable mode of serving dinner is called Dîner à la Russe, although at small or friendly dinners the host sometimes prefers to carve the joint himself in the first course, and the birds in the second course. But dinner-tables, whether for dining à la Russe, or for dining en famille, are invariably arranged in the same style, the difference being merely the extent of the display made as regards flowers, plate and glass, which are the accessories of the dining-table.

When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the proper quantity, a soup plate should not be filled with soup.

When the party is a small one, and the joint or birds are carved by the host, the helps should be handed to the guests in the order in which they are seated, although occasionally the ladies are helped before the gentlemen.

The rule at all dinner-parties is for the servant to commence serving by handing the dishes to the lady seated at the host's right hand, then to the lady seated at the host's left hand, and from thence the length of the table to each guest in the order seated, irrespective of sex.

Double entrées should be provided at large dinner-parties, and the servants should commence handing the dishes at both sides of the table simultaneously.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided,” 1898

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Gilded Age Dinner Guest Lists

Great care should be taken to invite those who are agreeable to each other. Good talkers and good listeners are equally invaluable at a dinner. 

TO shine at the dinner table requires much conversant practice with polite life. Persons invited to a dinner party should be of the same standing in society. They need not be acquaintances, yet they should be such as move in the same class or circles. 

Great care should be taken to invite those who are agreeable to each other. Good talkers and good listeners are equally invaluable at a dinner. Among your guests always have one or more musicians. This will add greatly to the entertainment of your friends before and after dinner. —From “Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture,” 1890

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Etiquette of the Table in 1904

During an entire dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the table when guests take their seats.

The place plates alone in a modern home with any claim to be thought fashionable may easily cost a hundred dollars a dozen. Very exquisite place plates may be bought for a quarter of that sum, it is true. But that single item gives the clue to the extravagance of much twentieth century table furnishing.

The place plates are supposed to stand under the soup plates, and under any course where it is desired to have them. They often are used at dessert as well as in the beginning of a meal.

A dinner served in courses consists of soup, fish, roast, salad, and dessert. These are the indispensable courses. A ceremonious dinner, however, probably begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit of toast.

This is succeeded by fruit: melons, peaches, strawberries, or grape fruit may be served for this course. The fruit must be in perfection, must have been on the ice, must itself tempt the eye as well as the palate.

Next, served on a bed of crushed ice, with silver forks that come on purpose, will be a course of oysters or small clams on the half shell. Oyster plates with hollows for the shell come for this course.

Succeeding the oysters we have a delicate clear soup. The hostess may serve it from a silver tureen, or it may be brought in on soup plates and set before the individual guests.

Next follows fish. This may be served by the host, or it may be arranged in a dainty mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If the former way is chosen, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it.

During an entire dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the table when guests take their seats.

After the fish there may be an entrée or two of some delicate dish, but the roast is now the proper thing in order. It may be turkey, beef, mutton or lamb. Whatever it is the host may carve it, if he please, and the waiter receive the portions from him and carry them to the guests.

In many houses the lady of the house is first served, and next the guest of honor, who is the lady at the right of the host. Ladies are helped before gentlemen.

The carving is often done in the kitchen, or the butler's pantry, the host being altogether relieved from this duty.

With the roast several vegetables are served. A salad follows the roast, and with the salad cheese and small crackers are served.

The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast. A dinner of this kind should be served in very leisurely style. No fuss, no hurry, above all no noise or confusion must characterize a ceremonious dinner.

The dessert usually consists of tarts, ices, fruit, and bon-bons. Frequently there is a final course, after the sweets, consisting of cheese and toasted crackers.

Invited to dinner, one accepts or declines immediately. Good manners forbid delay in responding to a dinner invitation.

Good manners ordain that only extreme illness or a great calamity in one's family or affecting one's own person shall permit one to break a dinner engagement.

If one necessarily falls out of a dinner party, and the place at the last moment has to be supplied, a very intimate friend or a neighbor may be requested to take the vacant place, but the circumstances must be explained, and the agreement to help the hostess out at the eleventh hour constitutes a real social favor.

Children never come in at a ceremonious dinner. Very occasionally they are permitted to enter the room at dessert, but as generally the hour is far beyond their bedtime this is in doubtful taste.— From “Good Manners for All Occasion,” by Margaret Sangster, 1904

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Gilded Age Etiquette for the Table

 

“Do not overload the fork. To pack meat and vegetables on the fork as though it were a beast of burden has been pointed out as a common American vulgarity, born of our hurried ways of eating at hotels and restaurants.”
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Unlike contemporary table knives, those of the 18th and 19th Centuries had dull and wide, flat blades. Usually they were steel. Many who were unfamiliar with utensils and their expected dining usage, found the knives ideal for not just cutting with, but for eating from. By the mid-1800’s, etiquette books encouraged diners to stop the practice of eating their food from their knives. As etiquette books are often ignored, small numbers of several generations continued the practice.— Image from “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

Hints for the Table

All soft cheeses should be eaten with the fork.

In using the spoon, be careful not to put it too far into the mouth.

Salt cellars are now placed at each plate and it is not improper to take salt with the knife.

To make a hissing sound when eating soup shows very bad breeding.

Do not overload the fork. To pack meat and vegetables on the fork as though it were a beast of burden has been pointed out as a common American vulgarity, born of our hurried ways of eating at hotels and restaurants.

Pears and apples should be pared, cut into quarters and then picked up with the fingers. Oranges should be peeled and cut or separated, as one chooses.

Grapes should be eaten from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin falling into the fingers unobserved and thence to the plate. – San Diego Daily Bee, 1887

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Gilded Age Fad in Dinner Parties

First you decide how many courses will be desirable—eight, for instance—and then get eight women living as nearby as possible in the same neighborhood, to agree each to serve a course at her own house. After that, all is plain sailing unless it rains. The itinerary is arranged, a schedule worked out and the guests— 10 is a good number—invited to meet at a certain house at 7 o’clock for clams and soup. 

Over in Elizabeth, the society people have discovered a new form of entertainment. It is a progressive dinner—not of the ordinary, everyday sort, where the men move, up two seats with each course, so as to be able to get off the same jokes several times during the evening, but something much more novel and elaborate. It is done this way: 

First you decide how many courses will be desirable—eight, for instance—and then get eight women living as nearby as possible in the same neighborhood, to agree each to serve a course at her own house. After that, all is plain sailing unless it rains. The itinerary is arranged, a schedule worked out and the guests— ten is a good number—invited to meet at a certain house at 7 o’clock for clams and soup. 

One of the men takes charge of the progressive part, and announces that it is time to progress. The table is left instantly, for it would never do to be late at the next house, as the penalty would be cold fish. The same plan is carried through the evening, and in turn the entree. Roman Punch, roast, salad, dessert and coffee are enjoyed at different houses. Partners are changed at each house, and if the guests are well chosen a very jolly evening results.

This new method of dining certainly has some merits. It gives, for instance, each hostess a chance to show great ingenuity in the decorations of her table. At an Elizabeth dinner for the fish course, the table was covered with a fish net, the place cards were small clam shells and among the decorations were several ponds containing fish, which appropriateness would have been out of the question with other courses preceding and to follow it. 

Then it famishes the guests with a large collection of favors, while at the same time giving great occasion for individuality and rivalry, among the hostesses in their selection. And, above all it furnishes exercise between each course and chances for innocent flirtatious under the silver moon while going on to the next house. But only think what fun it would all be in a heavy rain!—Newark (N. J.) Call, 1900

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Gilded Age Meals and Etiquette

The diagram above was for the placement of silver at a regular, family breakfast in the Gilded Age. A “Breakfast Party” was another type of breakfast altogether — “… a breakfast party was an enormous meal with six or seven courses, various kinds of meats and fish, a variety of breads and pastries, and at least one or two different wines.” 

On the Gilded Age Cookbook by Mrs. Mary F. Henderson, “Practical Cooking and Dinner Giving,” of 1877

Based on her sample menus, a breakfast party was an enormous meal with six or seven courses, various kinds of meats and fish, a variety of breads and pastries, and at least one or two different wines. Lunches were even more elaborate and alcohol-soaked. For example, one of Henderson’s lunch menus — a twelve-course ladies’ lunch — had three different alcoholic drinks (milk punch, claret, and champagne), and such disconcerting details as a course of chocolate (probably hot chocolate) with whipped cream, served in between courses of beef fillet and spinach on tongue. Even while describing such abundance, Henderson found ways to make clear that nothing was terribly grand by her standards. 

For instance, after outlining the intricate steps involved in making preparations for a formal, multi-course dinner, she wrote offhandedly, “one can see that it requires very little trouble to serve the dinner . . . It is a simple routine.” She went on to refer blandly to the possibility of stamping personalized menu cards with a family crest and to entertaining “foreign embassadors.” In calling such advice “practical” and such elaborate preparations “simple,” Henderson emphasized her own privilege by making it clear that, for her, having vast resources, sophisticated connections, and a staff of servants to command was absolutely ordinary. — From “Food in the American Gilded Age,” Edited by Helen Zoe Veit

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Mrs. Parvenu and Carafe Etiquette

It was decidedly a Mrs. Parvenu, by the way, who, regarding her carafes in the same category as her wine bottles, placed glass stoppers in them. Decanted water is hardly to be esteemed a delicacy! – Image of modern day water carafe on a table from Petra Carsetti’s and Carlo Cambi’s, “Galatime. È sempre tempo di buone maniere”

Carafes, or water bottles, are rarely, if ever seen nowadays on fashionable private tables. They are relegated to hotels, restaurants, and other public boards. In their places are much seen at dinners low, wide-mouthed pitchers of glass in any of the decorative wares now in  vogue. The effective crackleware and the rich clouded crimson and amber hues are popular, though nothing is in better taste than cut glass in the familiar hob-nail and square-cut designs.

Four pitchers are requisite for a dinner of eight to ten persons, and they are usually sold in sets of this number. Sometimes the pitchers are of very similar shape to the vessels they supersede, and are really shallow decanters with lips. It was decidedly a Mrs. Parvenu, by the way, who, regarding her carafes in the same category as her wine bottles, placed glass stoppers in them. Decanted water is hardly to be esteemed a delicacy! – The New York Times, 1890

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Serving a Gilded Age Dinner

To have the service and attendance good, remember to have thoroughly trained waiters, to have a waiter to every two guests, to place a card with the name of the guest upon it beside each plate at a ceremonious dinner, to use menu cards for public dinners, to place one to every two persons, to have a cover for each person accompanied by two large knives, a small silver knife and fork for fish, three large forks, a tablespoon for soup, a small oyster fork for eating raw oysters, a goblet for water and, where wine is used, to have glasses for claret, hock, champagne, sherry, etc., placed around the water goblet; to place the knives and oyster fork on the right and the other forks on the left of the plate. Place a napkin, folded in some simple form, on the left side of each plate, place the glasses on the right of each plate, place extra and very delicate wine glasses, one for sherry or madeira and the others for claret or burgundy, on table with the dessert. Put the more ordinary wines on the table first, and the choicest brands with the dessert; put an individual salt-cellar beside each plate.

Table Etiquette

How to Decorate, Place Dishes and Serve a Ceremonious Dinner

The correct thing at a dinner party is to have the waiter enter the drawing room and announce in a low tone that “dinner is served,” and to light the dining room with white candles or lamps. Have part of the light come from above the table or from side brackets or branches on the wall and have colored shades for the candles on the table. Have the tablecloth of plain white of very fine quality and ironed with perfect smoothness. 

Arrange the decorations of the table high enough for the guests to be able to see under or low enough for them to see over and use flowers of delicate and agreeable perfume or have a handsome dish of fruit alone for a centerpiece. Place carafes of cut or engraved glass at each corner of the table, and for a large dinner, in the center also. Remember that plain dishes well prepared are better liked by everyone, than elaborate dishes made without the requisite skill, and to give things that are good of their kind and that go together harmoniously. 

To have the service and attendance good, remember to have thoroughly trained waiters, to have a waiter to every two guests, to place a card with the name of the guest upon it beside each plate at a ceremonious dinner, to use menu cards for public dinners, to place one to every two persons, to have a cover for each person accompanied by two large knives, a small silver knife and fork for fish, three large forks, a tablespoon for soup, a small oyster fork for eating raw oysters, a goblet for water and, where wine is used, to have glasses for claret, hock, champagne, sherry, etc., placed around the water goblet; to place the knives and oyster fork on the right and the other forks on the left of the plate. Place a napkin, folded in some simple form, on the left side of each plate, place the glasses on the right of each plate, place extra and very delicate wine glasses, one for sherry or madeira and the others for claret or burgundy, on table with the dessert. Put the more ordinary wines on the table first, and the choicest brands with the dessert; put an individual salt-cellar beside each plate. 

Begin the dinner with raw oysters, or in summer, small raw clams on the half shell, served on the regulation oyster plates, with a piece of lemon in the center. Serve one or two soups simultaneously after the oysters, a white and a clear soup. Serve fish after soup and then entrées, which are served in the first course after the fish. Then serve the roast after the entrées, then the roman punch (which is an entremet, or dish coming after the roast in the second course), then the game and salad. Serve salad either with the game or as a separate course, accompanied by cheese and bread and butter. Have the bread cut very thin. Serve some vegetables, as asparagus, sweet corn or macaroni, as courses by themselves. Serve the ices and sweet dishes after the salad and cheese, then the fruit, then the bonbons. Serve after dinner coffee, which should be strong and black. – Boston Globe, 1900

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Etiquette and Gilded Age Pressures

The present custom of serving a number of fine wines with dinner, makes away with a very large amount of money. Giving

 four or five dinners a week, means an outlay easily of $1000.00!

Dining One’s Way to the Poor House in the Gilded Age

“Nothing is more expensive than modern dinner giving. The viands that go in to making up a modern dinner are all costly, the decorations demand a considerable expentiture and the present custom of serving a number of fine wines makes away with a very large amount of money. 

Four or five dinners a week means an outlay easily of $1000.00 and this sort of thing, taken in connection with the maintenance of an establishment at Newport and the other legitimate expenditures of a family in society, to carry it through the year, knocks very large holes in $60,000.00 and soon sweeps it away. The case here referred to is valuable as illustrating the extravagant tendencies of the times and the legitimate outcome.” – N. Y. World, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Victorian Era Etiquette at Dinner Tables and Small Talk

A lady is entitled to special attention from her escort, but she should not monopolize his time. In other words, “Don't talk his ear off.”

Long stories are to be avoided, and so is the habit of asking questions; but there is a subtle way of wishing, or, at least, of being willing to hear more that gives the inflection without being too interrogative; and if it be not expedient to tell all we know in response to its gentle insinuation, it does not compel an ungracious refusal or a chilling reticence. 

A lady is entitled to special attention from her escort, but she should not monopolize his time. Not merely the pairing but the grouping of guests is considered by an accomplished hostess, and a lady may exercise her conversational graces impartially to right and left and likewise across the table, provided its width and adornments do not interfere; but neither in front of nor behind an intervening guest should anybody attempt to converse. When a word or sentence to one so separated suggests itself, the intervening person should be included in the conversation. In other words, the conversation becomes general to a lesser or greater extent, according as the subject under discussion may interest those present. 

Architecture may be frozen music to you in the most rigid sense, and you may be seated next to some one who draws out its harmonies in grand and classic shapes, and to whose latest triumphs the company may allude in brief but pleasing terms. You feel called upon to add something to the general tribute, but can think of nothing apt. Said a young girl who was thus placed, “I could not think of anything to say that would indicate an intelligent knowledge of the subject and I did not feel privileged to lead the conversation from the channel in which it had been directed, so I could only speak of a mite of a country house which always comes to mind because of the beautiful roses that grow all about it and seem intent upon surmounting its diminutive height. I scarcely know how it happened, but in a very short time he was telling me how artistically the rose works into decorative purposes, and from that passed to other things until I felt the subject to be more interesting than I ever supposed it could become to one who knows next to nothing about architecture, and who cannot become familiar with it.”

Such a frank avowal is not discreditable to one who has tact enough to make up for it, and tact quite often takes the place of many qualities commonly supposed to belong to the mental equipments of bright women. It made a good listener in the instance referred to, and it gave a good talker the opportunity to air his gifts agreeably.                 

It is not permissible to seem otherwise than happy and content.

Worries and all disquieting subjects should not be mentioned outside the circle they affect, and even though one may have but just emerged from a sea of them, it is not permissible to seem otherwise than happy and content. 

There must have been some unexplained condition attached to the circumstances which led to the question, “Is it proper to thank a servant for a service rendered,” because well-bred people instinctively acknowledge the slightest service; but the question came to us as quoted and in that form we answer it. By all means thank a servant for replacing a dropped napkin, a knife or fork, for bringing you anything not at hand or for doing anything you may require; but do not assume the air or attitude of wishing the company to understand that you are punctilious in such matters. “Thank you,” in a low tone, a gratified but not a familiar nod of approval or a gracious acceptance of what you desire is all that is needed. 

A lady is not often called upon to say “thank you” in such circumstances, because a well-bred man is always on the alert to direct attention to her wants. It is her prerogative to acknowledge both favor and service with a smile, which need not part the lips, but which expresses her appreciation as effectually and with less formality than even a simple, “thank you.” 

The habit of clipping words perhaps explains why “thanks,” passes current for the finer and more gracious “thank you.” The intimacy of “chums” permits the use of the abbreviated form, but the general adoption of such scant verbiage is as objectionable as verbosity; and if the question, “should one say ‘thanks’ to servants” were asked, the answer would be emphatically, no, unless you wish to suggest that all social difference between you and them is removed. 

In taking leave of your entertainers, be gracious but not effusive in expressing your pleasure. It is to your hostess that you will make acknowledgment in a few words. Just what they shall be, no pen can write and few people need be told; but they will give the impression that you have enjoyed your evening. Beware—this to the young —that your words do not savor of the fact that your enjoyment has been a surprise to yourself. To youth is also addressed this injunction: do not attempt to compliment your hostess upon her menage. 

A lady is not often called upon to say " thank you " in such circumstances, because a well-bred man is always on the alert to direct attention to her wants.

Verbally expressed compliments of any kind are rarely the prerogative of the young. If the hostess be your dearest school-friend, tell her privately, when you are admitted to a boudoir chat, how much you admire her qualities as housewife and hostess; but do not allow your appreciation to effervesce when she is doing her best to bear her blushing honors with meekness and dignity, for it is a hard combination for a young hostess to sustain.

“Although I have remained late, the evening has seemed very short,” says one; “Time is very unkind, and so I must say ‘good evening,’” says another. A matron who has enjoyed years of complete social success extends her hand to a younger entertainer and says, “Before saying adieu, let me thank you for a most delightful evening;” but she does not prolong her leave-taking further than to add a brief good-night. 

There was a time when appreciation of the dinner was expressed in the leave-taking, but the custom does not prevail among men and women of the younger generation. It was a pleasing and proper acknowledgment when an invitation to one's table signified the most sacred form of social hospitality, but though an invitation to dine still suggests a desire for some degree of social intimacy, the giving of dinners has grown to be more of a formality since that time.— From “Good Manners,” 1889

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Etiquette of Gilded Age Dinners and Service

Tablecloths of white damask, double or single, as fine as the owner's purse admits, are used for the dinner-table, with large square white napkins to correspond.

While preparations have been going on in the dining-room, the guests have been assembling in the drawing-room. It is proper to arrive from five to fifteen minutes before the hour mentioned in the invitation, allowing time to pay respects to the host and hostess, without haste of manner, before the dinner is announced.

A gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner. A lady wears a handsome gown, "dinner dress " being " full dress ;" differing, however, from the evening party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used. The most filmy gauzes are suitable for a ball costume; while dinner dress—for any but very young ladies—is usually of more substantial materials—rich silk or velvet softened in effect with choice lace, or made brilliant with jet trimmings.

When the dinner party is strictly formal, and the company evenly matched in pairs, the following order is observed:

Each gentleman finds in the hall, as he enters, a card bearing his name and the name of the lady whom he is to take out; also, a small boutoinntere, which he pins on his coat. If the lady is a stranger, he asks to be presented to her, and establishes an easy conversation before moving toward the dining-room.

The Announcement Of Dinner

When dinner is ready the fact is made known to the hostess by the butler, or maid-servant, who comes to the door and quietly says "Dinner is served." A bell is never rung for dinner, nor for any other formal meal.

The host leads the way, taking out the lady who is given the place of first consideration ; the most distinguished woman, the greatest stranger, the most elderly—whatever the basis of distinction. Other couples follow in the order assigned to them, each gentleman seating the lady on his right. The hostess comes last, with the most distinguished male guest. If there is a footman, or more than one, the chairs are deftly placed for each guest; but if only a maid is in waiting, each gentleman arranges his own and his partner's chairs as quietly as possible.

As soon as the company are seated, each one removes the bread; and the napkin, partially unfolded, is laid across the lap. It is not tucked in at the neck or the vest front, or otherwise disposed as a feeding-bib. It is a towel, for wiping the lips and fingers in emergencies, but should be used unobtrusively—not flourished like a flag of truce.

The Serving Of The Dinner

When dinner is ready the fact is made known to the hostess by the butler, or maid-servant, who comes to the door and quietly says " Dinner is served." A bell is never rung for dinner, nor for any other formal meal.

The servant is ready to hand from the sideboard any condiments desired for the oysters, which are promptly disposed of. It may be remarked at the outset, that everything at table is handed at the left, except wine, which is offered at the right. Ladies are served first.

After the oyster-plates are removed, the soup is served from the side table—a half ladleful to each plate being considered the correct quantity. The rule regarding soup is double, you must, and you must not. You must accept it (whether you eat it it or merely pretend to), but you must not ask for a second helping, since to do so would prolong a course that is merely an "appetizer" preparatory to the substantials.

The soup-plates are removed, and the fish immediately appears, served on plates with mashed potatoes or salad, or sometimes both, in which case a separate dish is provided for the salad. The entrees follow the fish, hot plates being provided, as required. Dishes containing the entrees should have a large spoon and fork laid upon them, and should be held low, so that the guest may help himself easily.

Again the dishes are removed. Here we may pause to remark that the prompt and orderly removal of the dishes after each successive course is a salient feature of skillful waiting. The accomplished waiter never betrays haste or nervousness, but his every movement "tells," and that, too, without clatter, or the dropping of small articles, or the dripping of sauces. The plates, etc., vanish from the table—whither, we observe not. The waiter in the dining-room must have the co-operation of the servant behind the scenes, to receive and convey the relays of dishes to the kitchen. However it is managed, and it must be managed, the nearer the operation can appear to be a "magic transformation," the better.

To return; the roast is the next course. The carving is done at the side table. Guests are consulted as to their preference for "rare" or "well-done;" and the meat, in thin slices, is served on hot plates, with vegetables at discretion on the same plate, separate vegetable dishes—except for salads— not being used on private dinner tables. Certain vegetables, as sweet corn on the cob, may be regarded as a course by themselves, being too clumsy to be disposed of conveniently on a plate with other things.

The game course is next in order (if it is included, as it generally is in an elaborate dinner). Celery is an appropriate accompaniment of the game course. The salad is sometimes served with the game; otherwise it follows as a course by itself.

The salad marks the end of the heavy courses. The crumb tray is brought, and the table-cloth is cleared of all stray fragments. A rolled napkin makes a quiet brush for this purpose, especially on a finely polished damask cloth.

The dessert is now in order. Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in on the dessert-plates. Each person at once removes the bowl and doyley to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate.

Ices, sweets (pastry and confections), cheese, follow in course; and, finally, the fruits and bon-bons. Strong coffee is served last of all, in small cups. Fashion decrees cafe noir, and few lovers of cream care to rebel on so formal an occasion as a dinner; but when the formality is not too rigid, the little cream jug may be smuggled in for those who prefer cafe au lait.

Water is the staple drink of the American dinner table. A palatable table water, like Apollinaris, well iced, is an elegant substitute for wine when habit or conscience forbids the latter.

When wine is served with the different courses at dinner, the appropriate use is as follows: with soup, sherry ; with the fish, chablis, hock, or sauterne ; with the roast, claret and champagne; after the game course, Madeira and port; with the dessert, sherry, claret, or Burgundy. 

After dinner are served champagne and other sparkling wines, just off the ice, and served without decanting, a napkin being wrapped around the wet bottle.

While wine may be accounted indispensable by many, the growing sentiment in favor of its total banishment from the dinner-table has this effect on the etiquette of the case, that the neglect to provide wine for even a very formal dinner is not now the breach of good form which it would have been held to be some years ago. Such neglect has been sanctioned by the example of acknowledged social leaders; and when it is the exponent of a temperance principle it has the respect of every diner-out, whatever his private choice in the matter. No gentleman will grumble at the absence of wine at his host's table. It is good form for a host to serve or not serve wine, as he chooses; it is very bad form for his guest to comment on his choice. When any one who is conscientiously opposed to wine-drinking, or for any reason abstains, is present at a dinner where wine is served, he declines it by simply laying his hand on the rim of his glass as the butler approaches. No words are necessary.  

Apollinaris will take the place of stronger waters, and no embarrassment follows to either host or guest. As to the moral involved, a silent example may be quite as influential as an aggressive exhibition of one's principles. Questions of manners and morals' are constantly elbowing one another, and it is a nice point to decide when and how far duty requires one to defy conventionality. It is safe to say that only in extreme eases is this ever necessary, or even permissible. The hostess who simply does not offer wine to any guest under any circumstances, is using her influence effectively and courteously, especially when she supplies the deficiency with delicious coffee and cocoa, fragrant tea, and, best and rarest of all, crystal clear, sparkling cold water. By pointing out a " more excellent way," she is adding to her faith virtue. –From “Etiquette: An Answer to the Riddle When? Where? How??’” By Agnes H. Morton

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia