Etiquette: That was No “Lady,” Sir!

 

When speaking of females one has encountered while out and about, please keep mindful of the fact that the terms “Lady” and “ Woman,” just like the terms “Men” and “Gentlemen”— are not always synonymous.
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“There are many good chances wasted by lack of promptness and businesslike habits, also by the inability to take up new ideas.” from ‘The Lady Magazine,’ on ‘How to Live,’ 1903
—Photo source, Pinterest 

No True “Lady” Would Indulge in Such Bad Manners

Not long ago, a resident of New York went into the post office in that city to procure a money order. As there were half a dozen persons ahead of him he naturally awaited his turn, although he was in a great hurry, as most New Yorkers try to make themselves believe they always are. The other prospective customers of Uncle Sam did not form into line, but herded themselves about the window. When those who were there first had transacted their business, this New Yorker, considering that his turn had arrived, stepped to the window to be served. What happened at this juncture, he relates in these words:

“Just as I was about to enter my application, a lady, who had just come, crowded past several people who had been waiting, as I had, and calmly shoved her application in before mine. I told her as politely as I could that I had been waiting there at least fifteen minutes and thought that, seeing I was in a great hurry, I should have precedence before her, whereupon she told me I was the rudest man she had ever seen, and besides went into a long discourse concerning the manners of modern men. I, nevertheless, held to my point and saw that I was served first.” After having cooled off he asks: “Was I right In doing so?” He thinks he was, but to satisfy himself on the ethics of the case, he has asked, through the New York Times, that others express their opinions regarding his course of action. 

We are genuinely surprised that any man who has long enjoyed the refining social advantages of the peerless town upon the historic Hudson; who has knocked elbows with the descendants of Diedrich Knickerbocker; who has been privileged to gaze upon the sacred person of a descendant of the famous game-leged governor of New Amsterdam; who, perhaps, may have enjoyed the more than a bowing acquaintance with the creator of that justly prized appendage which in a later day wrought the undoing of the distinguished mollycoddle from Indiana; who certainly must have read more or less of the newspaper condensations of the work of the illustrious Ward McAllister, entitled “How to Behave After You Have Succeeded in Breaking In” — we are surprised, aye, we are astounded that there should have arisen any doubt as to the channel into which this anxious inquirer should have diverted his behavior.

Under any and all circumstances this New Yorker, whose appeal for enlightenment indicates his gross ignorance of the commonest laws of etiquette as they relate to social intercourse between ladies and gentlemen, should have.

Avaunt there! The Herald narrowly escaped committing itself! It retreats in time! It seeks further enlightenment, more definite evidence, before it dare to pass judgment.

This New Yorker has not been fair. He has tried to trip us. He is paradoxical, equivocal, deceitful — we may be pardoned, we trust, for suggesting the possibility that he has innocently perpetrated an untruth, lacking the antecedent intention to deceive.

He says: “A lady who had just come crowded past several people who had been waiting.”

Impossible. No “lady” would ever “crowd past several people who had been waiting.” Our friend from New York needs one of two things: A new pair of spectacles or a new lexicon.— Los Angeles Herald, 1907

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Poise and Etiquette

The author is correct. All 4 of the Crawley women do appear a bit awkward in this early press photo from Downton Abbey– They look uncomfortable in their long gloves. They should be clasping the finger tips together when standing. It would be a less unattractive pose. - Photo source, Pinterest

“But what shall I do with my hands?” asks the girl who is conscious of this part of her body when she is in the drawing-room. She should try folding them together in her lap when she is seated and clasping the finger tips together when standing. This position is, of course rather stiff when assumed by an awkward girl. But it is the least unattractive pose for her to begin with, and gradually she will find herself unconsciously assuming characteristic poses which are more or less graceful.

The same teacher finds that nearly every member of her classes in deportment needs to be told how to enter and leave a room. American girls have been severely criticised after they have been out in society, for their bad manners upon ceremonious occasions. Those who are presented at court have to be instructed in every detail of entering a room, withdrawing from it, managing a long train and particularly in walking backward as they must do in the presence of royalty. It is astonishing how few girls and women there are, who can walk backward, even for a few steps, without cutting an awkward figure. In many of the best schools, girls are now taught these simple rules of court etiquette. For one never knows who may be favored by an invitation to appear before royalty.

Fancy dancing and the making of bows and curtseys, help to improve the carriage and poise. And they also teach one how to carry one’s self correctly while facing the hostess and taking one’s departure at the same time. Almost any exercise which develops grace and cultivates self-possession is helpful along this line. For this reason, girls are learning a greater variety of fancy dances than during their class work last year, and gymnasium work, that makes for grace quite as much as physical development, is having unusual stress laid upon it this winter. If when greeting a friend the head and shoulders are brought forward from the waist without bending them the entire figure assumes a new expression. It seems to denote a graciousness that can not be expressed by shoulders and head kept in the same vertical plane with the rest of the body. The forward movement means graciousness, while the stiffer position means awkwardness and ungraciousness.

Over-cordiality is not considered in good taste, except among intimate friends and families, but graciousness is never out of place. It is not easy to express however, without words. This can be done without exaggeration by this simple change of position, and usually the art is taught in the dancing class or in special deportment lessons. Much has already been said about the American girl’s walk. It has been called ungraceful, too athletic, and many more similar things. In spite of foreigners’ disapproval of her carriage, the American girl has a freedom in her walk as she swings along the avenue that is not without attraction. With head held up, shoulders bent ever so slightly forward, she walks with a quick, firm step. In the country she is permitted to swing her arms for exercise. Physicians claim that this part of the walking exercise is most beneficial, because the constant movement expands the lungs and makes deep breathing necessary.

Each step should be taken from the hips, not from the knees. A knee walk is awkward, incorrect and does not give the proper exercise, and, above all, it is tiring. For the drawing room the out door athletic stride must be toned down considerably. There are physical instructors who find it necessary to caution their girls about walking athletically when in the city. They feel nervous and ill at ease if they are compelled to walk sedately into a drawing-room with their hands and arms in repose after they have grown accustomed to swinging them freely. The teacher must decide whether it is wiser to suggest giving up the athletic, outdoor style for the indoor, or to sacrifice the drawing-room repose for the outdoor freedom. With a little training, however, it should not be too difficult for girls to walk in both of these approved fashions and to express the greatest possible freedom in their sports and games and walks, for, after all, these help toward the cultivation of future grace. – San Francisco Call, 1911

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Poise and Queenliness

“The girl who attracts pleasant attention is the one who holds her head tilted upward, as though she were unafraid of the world and who looks at you fearlessly, but without boldness.” 

There seems to be a fad for walking and standing with the chin down. This is wrong, both from an artistic point and from a health one. The girl who attracts pleasant attention is the one who holds her head tilted upward, as though she were unafraid of the world and who looks at you fearlessly, but without boldness.

A fashionable girl of prominence here, never forgot that the well poised head meant queenliness, and probably her name will go down in history as one whose pose expressed this rare attribute. Even now, when other young women are affecting the artistic drooping pose, she continues to hold her imperious, litte head high in the air. - San Francisco Call, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners Over Measurements

If an uninhibited friend unexpectedly wants to show you her newly augmented breasts, you may find yourself at a loss for words. It’s an odd scenario more common than you might think. It’s wise to be prepared on handling such cosmetic surgery scenarios with tact. On his blog, Little Rock Cosmetic Surgeon, Dr. Rhys Branman says: Women with newly augmented breasts are often proud of their new look and eager to show their results to a close friend or two. If she’s willing to share her experience and you want to hear more, feel free to ask questions. By making the first move, she has invited you to discuss—she will probably be happy to tell all. Don’t have time to talk about it all right then? She’ll probably be flattered if you suggest a later one-on-one conversation where you can get all the details. You think her actions are inappropriate and feel caught off guard. How do you keep calm and move on without a hitch? Dr. Branman says: It’s natural for you to blush at first glance, but beyond that, keep your cool. Say something that is supportive but neutral, such as, “I’m so happy you like your results,” and then move on to a new subject. Try to understand that your friend probably didn’t mean to make you feel weird—she’s just excited and wants to share what has likely been a positive, life-changing event for her.

Syndicated “Dear Dr. Steincrohn” on

“The Bust Problem” of 1962

I have received scores of letters from women during the past few months who were anxious to have plastic surgery for what they considered a deficiency in their bust measurements. Some were moderately unhappy, others almost hysterical. I included a few of their letters In this column. My purpose was to give readers the viewpoint of others faced with similar problems. Now comes the suggestion by a mere male. I think his views will give most women a mental uplift.

Dear Dr. Steincrohn: May I get into this discussion of breasts and busts? The average woman is conditioned by the success of well-known screen stars with oversized measurements. She quickly concludes that unless a woman has at least a 38-inch measurements she will have difficulty finding her man—or holding him, if she is already married. Every man has dated some women he thought were beautiful only to find that beauty, however adequate in terms of numbers, vanishes in completely vapid, unintelligent conversation, ill manners, and lack of sympathy and understanding. 

I think the average woman forgets that proportion and not numbers is the important consideration; and that being out of proportion is unattractive because it jars the vision. A short, fairly slender girl with a 40-inch bust is out of proportion and looks top-heavy. A tall, fairly rawboned girl with a 34-inch bust would also be out of proportion. To be attractive a woman must be well-proportioned and dress neatly and walk like a woman. In all her actions, which incude walk, talk, dress, manners, she must exude pride in being a woman. If she can do this and neither feel superior or inferior to a man, and be content to be his friend, partner, and lover, softly sympathetic and softly understanding, then measurements aside, she will find love, contentment, and happiness. Tape measures are for the wastebasket!—Mr. P.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and a True Lady

Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly.

Ladyhood with a Capital "L"

Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by culture;" giving as two requisites for the highest breeding, transmitted qualities and the culture of good training. He continues: "Of the higher type of ladyhood may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, 'that unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. From the lady there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. 

Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. 

Every sway, every legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains ever made are spiritual gains—a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest and most characteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a growing out of herself. In her being and bearing, patience, generosity, benignity are the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthfulness."

Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the young find themselves in the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they should know that they are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen, but of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can only feel at home in the society of the well-bred. – From Our Deportment, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia