A Gilded Age Ball of Unalloyed Pleasure

While etiquette will be rigidly enforced it will not confine itself to evening suits and gloves…

THE first ball of the season will be given by the Young Men's Institute, No. 87, of Merced, October 10th, at the spacious dining roam of the Tuolumne Hotel, which will be tastefully decorated for the occasion. The orchestra, composing four pieces, will be of especial excellence, while the floor managers promise to unite for the nonce in one common party. Their names indicate strength and dignity, combined with elegance and grace. While etiquette will be rigidly enforced it will not confine itself to evening suits and gloves, but to the general idea of honest, pure, unalloyed pleasure. Such is one of the objects of the Y. M. I., No. 87, of Merced. – Merced Sun-Star, 1888

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Ball Etiquette

Above, a gilded age, gilt and sterling macaroni server. Macaroni, served in a variety of ways– both hot and cold– was a popular dish served at gilded age tables, just as it is today.—
“An elaborate supper for a ball or party includes both hot and cold dishes and nothing which the market furnishes is deemed too elaborate. Game birds of the smaller species are served cold, the larger birds hot; boned fowl is especially liked, and salads in variety and profusion are considered essential; rich patties of various sorts and truffled and scolloped dishes in variety reinforce the list, while cake, ices, flowers, fruit and candelabra ad to the beauty of the feast. Champagne is a favorite beverage, but a discreet hostess, who is entertaining young men with whose tastes and habits she unacquainted, is very careful about the beverages she offers.” – Eliza Lavin

A lady who gives a large ball usually requests a few friends whose acquaintance is large to assist her in receiving, and these relieve her of much solicitude by assuming the responsibility of seeing that diffident young men and women are not “walled,” as their more sprightly associates term it. Men introduce other men to the ladies of their own families and also to any other ladies whose permission they may receive. 

A gentleman, who desires to present a friend, politely asks a young girl’s chaperon if he may introduce Mr. Blank, provided it will be agreeable to Miss Blank. On receiving permission, he brings his friend up and presents him to the chaperon first and then to the young lady, and Mr. Blank returns the young lady to the chaperon soon after the dance. If a gentleman has been dancing with a young lady with whom he has previous acquaintance, a short promenade before leaving her with her party is not out of place and is quite agreeable after a dance, but a girl should not assume that it is to follow a dance with a stranger. He may have other engagements or contemplate bestowing his attentions elsewhere. In any event, his acquaintance with her should be conducted in the presence of the elder lady who accompanies her. This is only respectful to both ladies.

Well-bred young men outnumber the thoughtless and ill-bred; consequently a lady receives all the attention necessary to make such an occasion enjoyable, even if she be not a reigning belle or has only a limited acquaintance. Gentlemen who accompany ladies to balls endeavor to be near them when supper is announced, so as to attend them to the supper-room; but if they are not, they must look for them and see they are being properly cared for, before offering their services to others. 

If a gentleman has no prior claims upon his attention at this time, he should offer his arm to the lady with whom he has been talking or dancing, always recognizing first the superior claim of an elderly lady to consideration. The mother or chaperon takes his arm and the younger lady walks beside her. It is not the best form for two ladies to each take an arm. A lady is not free to decline this attention, even though she may have expected it from another.

Gentlemen should be careful to see that ladies are provided for before they attend to their own wants, and any gentleman may extend such formal attentions as offering to escort to the supper-room ladies who may be unattended, to bring them ices, find seats for them or to escort them to their carriages, and in all this his warrant is his willingness to conform to the requirements of good breeding and compliment his hostess. He need not be deterred from showing such trifling attentions, nor need ladies decline them, because a formal introduction has not taken place.— From Eliza Lavin’s, “Good Manners,” 1888

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Agony Aunt Chastises Young Men

“O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.”

I am in receipt of a letter from one Dame Durden, spinster, who is anxious to be allowed some little space in the Sunday issue of this paper, in which to express her sentiments as regards the treatment of her “pets.” Be it known that Dame Durden is the “Friend of Woman.” Some of her “girls” have been confiding their woes to her of late and have prevailed upon her to publicly express her views. It is with great pleasure that I allow Dame Durden space in my particular column.– The Society Editor

NOTE– Men, don't tell the young ladies who told you, but Dame Durden is, to my certain knowledge, as fond of and as ready to uphold you as she is the said young ladies, and should they, during this their year, in any way mistreat you, I will just as willingly donate my column in your behalf as theirs. – The Society Editor

SAN BERNARDINO, Feb. 5. I am passé. The saddest moment of my life was the one in which this fact came home to me. But this does not prevent my having some of the dearest friends one could wish for, and among the most cherished are some of this season’s “buds.” The young ladies all come to Dame Durden for consolation and advice. And no one takes more pleasure in their pleasures than I. 

About 11 o'clock last Saturday morning I went over to G’s house to learn all about the ball given the evening before. I found my dear little friend in tears. On asking the cause of all this sorrow, she led the way, silently, to her own room, and there on the bed lay her newest evening gown– ruined. She held up the once dainty waist, and could some of the beaux of that ball have heard the tirade (uttered be tween sobs) against them, they would, I am sure, have pitied poor little G.

“O, how I hate them! (Sobs) Every last one, although I'm not sure just which one did do it!" (More sobs) And she showed me the once gauze-covered sleeve with the gauze hanging in strings, and amid more and more of those sobs told me how she had gone there after three hours’ primping and how all the neighbors who came in to see her ready for the “fray,” as it afterward proved, told her she looked “like a dream.” “But you should have seen me when I got home!” And she went on to tell how one man in particular took hold of her as tho’ for protection more than anything else, and tugged away at her dainty sleeve until– well, you could only realize it all by a look at that sleeve.

And the back of that beloved gown was next displayed– I know there must have been an hundred handprints there. O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.– “Dame Durden,” The Weekly Sun, 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ward McAllister’s Society Patriarchs

“We then resolved that the responsibility of inviting each batch of nine guests should rest upon the shoulders of the Patriarch who invited them, and that if any objectionable element was introduced, it was the Management's duty to at once let it be known by whom such objectionable party was invited, and to notify the Patriarch so offending, that he had done us an injury, and pray him to be more circumspect.”

There is one rule in life I invariably carry out never to rely wholly on my own judgment, but to get the advice of others, weigh it well and satisfy myself of its correctness, and then act on it. I went in this city to those who could make the best analysis of men; who knew their past as well as their present, and could foresee their future. In this way, I made up an Executive Committee of three gentlemen, who daily met at my house, and we went to work in earnest to make a list of those we should ask to join in the undertaking. 

One of this Committee, a very bright, hit upon the name of Patriarchs for the Association, which was at once adopted, and then, after some discussion, we limited the number of Patriarchs to twenty-five, and that each Patriarch, for his subscription, should have the right of inviting to each ball four ladies and five gentlemen, including himself and family; that all distinguished strangers, up to fifty, should be asked; and then established the rules governing the giving of these balls all of which, with some slight modifications, have been carried out to the letter to this day. The following gentlemen were then asked to become “Patriarchs,” and at once joined the little band:

Ward McAllister’s List of  “Patriarchs” from his book, “Society as I Have Found It”

The object we had in view was to make these balls thoroughly representative; to embrace the old Colonial New Yorkers, our adopted citizens, and men whose ability and integrity had won the esteem of the community, and who formed an important element in society. We wanted the money power, but not in any way to be controlled by it. Patriarchs were chosen solely for their fitness; on each of them promising to invite to each ball only such people as would do credit to the ball. 

We then resolved that the responsibility of inviting each batch of nine guests should rest upon the shoulders of the Patriarch who invited them, and that if any objectionable element was introduced, it was the Management's duty to at once let it be known by whom such objectionable party was invited, and to notify the Patriarch so offending, that he had done us an injury, and pray him to be more circumspect. He then stood before the community as a sponsor of his guest, and all society, knowing the offense he had clever man.– Ward McAllister in, “Society as I Have Found It”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Hand-Shaking Manners

 

The more public the place of introduction, the less hand-shaking takes place.

The etiquette of hand-shaking is simple. No man should assume to take a lady’s hand until it is offered. A lady extends her hand and allows the gentleman to take it. On introduction in a room, a married lady generally shakes hands; young ladies not often. In the ball-room, where the introduction is for dancing, not for friendship, never shake hands. The more public the place of introduction, the less hand-shaking takes place.– Chicago Herald, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia