Importance of Good Manners, 1921

The Sword Swallower at the Table! – Time was when a man might win and still eat with his knife. But that time is past. The “sword swallower” is just as far removed from modern life as is the ape-like of feeding with the fingers. But eating with the knife is only one of dozens of things which should not be done at the table. 

Good Manners a Splendid Asset to Boy or Girl, Man or Woman, Young or Old

Good manners form an international language which every person in the world can understand. Even the Fiji cannibal will enjoy his dinner better if the missionary who forms the foundation of the feast goes into the pot smiling and suave rather than grouchy and crabbed. And —taking it the other way around —the missionary will be less unfavorably impressed with the general outcome of his religious endeavors if the cannibal welcomes him with a grin and gives him a “leg up” into the kettle, instead of swatting him on the head with a club and hurling him into the cauldron. 

Good manners means best of whatever comes along—putting the best foot foremost. Good manners are closely allied with optimism, for whoever saw a persistent pessimist who didn’t forget his breeding? Of course good manners and good breeding are not exactly synomymous, but they are nearly enough so to be accepted without entering into argument in the present instance. There is nothing in the world that makes so good an impression on others as an individual’s good manners. Every boy and girl, man and woman, should make a close study of manners and cultivate their courses of action until good manners become a regular and unbreakable habit. 

The parents should teach good manners to their children. The future life and the chances of business, social or professional success may hinge on the manners of any youth. And of the various kinds and classes of manners, the most conspicuous and the most vital is table manners. Time was when a man might win and still eat with his knife. But that time is past. The “sword swallower” is just as far removed from modern life as is the ape-like of feeding with the fingers. But eating with the knife is only one of dozens of things which should not be done at the table. 

A notable table atrocity is tucking the napkin under the chin. Another is drinking from the saucer. These mistakes, of course, are so flagrant anyone should know not to make them, but even in this enlightened age there are many who do not possess this knowledge or who do not have sufficient personal pride to exercise it. The little refinements, like always keeping your knife and fork on your plate when not in use, keeping your teaspoon in the saucer beside the cup when not used for stirring and never drinking tea or coffee from the spoon— these things be carefully studied, memorized and carried out in everyday life. Also not opening the lips when one chews and never making noises with the mouth while eating. 

Parents should watch these things carefully in their children. ' The child who goes forth without a thorough knowledge of manners and without a complete understanding of the value of manners and the, necessity for applying them is on the open road to failure. The impression that the youth— or the older person, for that matter, makes upon others is his or her greatest stock in trade. 

Great knowledge and splendid ability may be so camouflaged by a veneer of bad manners that they can never break through. Good manners give the same refinements to life that good clothes do to people, or artistic decorations do to rooms or buildings. There is this difference, however, that good manners cost nothing except the effort to acquire them and an occasional beneficial self-sacrifice in putting them into effect. – Los Angeles Herald, 1921

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette History Article

Butter knives, shown above with antique butter dishes and butter forks, were new to tables in the 1830’s- 1840’s. Butter forks and butter picks came later in the 1800’s. Prior to butter knives and individual butter spreaders being introduced, it was very common for diners to butter their bread with their thumbs.

While certain forms of table etiquette may seem altogether conventional, even fantastic, the forms usually observed are founded on good sense, and adapted to general convenience. Table etiquette is not, as is often alleged, merely a matter of fashion, although some things that were in vogue a generation or two ago are no longer deemed polite. The reason is that manners and table furniture have undergone so many changes, have really so much improved, as to require a mutual readjustment.

For example, everybody was accustomed twenty or thirty years since, to use the knife to carry food to the mouth, because the fork of the day was not adapted to the purpose. Since the introduction of the four-tined silver fork, it has so entirely supplanted the knife that the usage of the latter, in that way, is not only superfluous, but is regarded as a vulgarian.

Another example is the discontinuance of the custom of turning tea or coffee from the cup into the saucer. Although small plates were frequently employed to set the cup in, they were not at all in general use; and even when they were used, the tea or coffee was likely to be spilled upon the cloth. The habit, likewise, of putting one’s knife into the butter arose from the fact that the butter-knife proper had not been thought of. Such customs as these, once necessitated by circumstances, are now obviously inappropriate.

Certain habits, however, are regulated by good taste and delicacy of feeling, and the failure to adopt them argues a lack of fine perception or social insight. One of these is eating or drinking audibly. No sensitive person can hear any one taking his soup. coffee or other liquid, without positive annoyance. Yet those who would be very unwilling to consider themselves ill bred are constantly guilty of such breaches of politeness. 

The defect is that they are not so sensitive as those with whom they come in contact. They would not be disturbed by the offence; they never imagine, therefore, that any one else can be. It is for them that rules of etiquette are particularly designed. Were their instinct correct, they would not need the rule, which, from the absence of instinct, appears to them irrational, purely arbitrary.

To rest one’s elbow on the table is more than a transgression of courtesy, it is an absolute inconvenience to one’s neighbors. All awkwardness of position, such as sitting too far back from or leaning over the table, are reckoned as rudeness, because they put others ill at ease through fear of such accidents as are liable to happen from any uncouthness.

These and kindred matters are trifles; but social life is so largely composed of trifles, that to disregard them wholly is a serious affront. We can hardly realize to what extent our satisfaction of dissatisfaction is made up of things in themselves insignificant, until their observance or nonobservance is brought directly home to us.– Scribner’s Monthly, 1884

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette, Conformity and Harmony

Above, a tea out in the country. – It is related of a certain King that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That King was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette.

 

Conformity

You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense, to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you can not sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.

So if you can not adapt your dress and manners to the company in which you find yourself, the sooner you take your leave the better. You may and should endeavor, in a proper way, to change such customs and fashions as you may deem wrong, or injurious in their tendency, but, in the mean time, you have no right to violate them. You may choose your company, but, having chosen it, you must conform to its rules til you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must “do as the Romans do.” The rules which should govern your conduct, as an isolated individual, were such a thing as isolation possible in the midst of society, are modified by your relations to those around you.

This life of ours is a complex affair, and our greatest errors arise from our one-side views of it. We are sovereign individuals, and are born with certain “inalienable rights;” but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights can not conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed. 

It is related of a certain King that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That King was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette. The highest law demands complete HARMONY in all spheres and in all relations. 

From the book by Samuel R. Wells, “How to Behave, A Pocket Guide to Republican Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits,” 1856

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Knifing of Food to Saucering of Drinks

 

In the region within a radius of 50 miles around Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the knife was commonly, but not always, used by men over 50, but rarely by those under 50, or by women, among “genteel people,” up to about 1875... — Some men owned handcrafted knives (designed like this one pictured above) to more easily eat their food from knives, as opposed to learning how to use forks. 

'Knifing' of Food Went Out With 'Saucering' of Coffee

To the Editor of the New York Times:

Perhaps Charles U. Powell can use data from various parts of the country in clearing up the period when the fork replaced the knife as an instrument for carrying food to the mouth.

In the region within a radius of 50 miles around Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the knife was commonly, but not always, used by men over 50, but rarely by those under 50, or by women, among “genteel people,” up to about 1875.

The change may have been due to a regard for the niceties of social usage. About the same. Those older men stopped pouring coffee into the saucer, and also removed the spoon from the cup when they drank.

That conditions varied in other parts of the country, and later seems indicated by the usage on steamers in the Great Lakes early in the century. At a certain stage, the steward put his head between the double doors in the kitchen and advised: “Keep your knives, gents; there's pie.”

It is interesting that in an early guide to etiquette, prepared by Christopher Dock, “the pious schoolmaster of the Skippack,” for his pupils, about the time of the Revolution, they were urged to not to convey food to their mouths with their knives or fingers, but only with forks or spoons. — George Dock, Pasadena California, October 1940

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia