Christmas Gift Giving Etiquette

“A point of Christmas etiquette is bothering one of my letter friends, and she wants me to help her settle it. It seems that a friend with whom she has hitherto exchanged Christmas gifts…is obliged to curtail her Christmas giving on account of illness, and asking that her friend will help her out by omitting her gift this time.”
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The Evening Chit-Chat: A Christmas Quandary

A point of Christmas etiquette is bothering one of my letter friends, and she wants me to help her settle it. It seems that a friend with whom she has hitherto exchanged Christmas gifts has written her a little note, telling her that she is obliged to curtail her Christmas giving on account of illness, and asking that her friend will help her out by omitting her gift this time. My letter friend’s quandary is this: 

“I don’t like the idea that Christmas gifts are just an exchange. If I assent to her plan and do not give her any thing this year, that will look as if it had always been a kind of barter to me. I would rather give her something this year without letting her know beforehand that I am going to do it and drop the thing next year. It seems less calculating to me. Don't you think this is the best way out?”

Frankly, my friend, I don't. 

Put yourself in her place. She wants you to relieve her from the embarrassment of having nothing to give you by not giving her anything. If you give her something, you force that embarrassment upon her. Will the pleasure of receiving what you have to give, cancel the pain she will feel at being empty-handed? Probably not. Then, is it generous, is it worthy of the spirit of Christmas to put your dislike of the thought of barter above her sense of humiliation at receiving without giving? Perhaps it might show a finer spirit in her to be above that, sense of humiliation, but few of us have reached the happy height where we can give or receive according to the position in which we happen to be placed, and ; be equally dignified and gracious and content in either position. 

And if you really dislike that sense of barter and not merely the appearance of barter, and really want to give your friend some material symbol of your affection, why not give it just the same, even if you do not give it at Christmas, which has become so emphatically the day of reciprocal gift giving? Why not send your gift Easter or St. Valentine’s Day? Or why wait for any special day? There are three hundred and sixty-five days every year when the spontaneously offered gifts of a friend are welcome. Indeed, I think the gifts that come unexpectedly are rather more delightful than the formal kind. To have the postman bring some totally unexpected little package lights up a whole day with the pleasure of the surprise and the warm sense of kindly feeling behind it. – By Ruth Cameron, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

There’s No “Right” Kind of Hospitality

“I’m going to give an afternoon tea for my niece and I’m simply wretched over it. My teaspoons aren’t the right size and I haven’t any sugar tongs, and I’m afraid I shant have enough of the tea napkins, and may have to fill in with the larger ones. I’d give the whole thing up if I could, but I don’t want to disappoint...” 

“It takes all the pleasure out of entertaining to be poor,” I heard a woman say the other day. “Why?” I asked. “Because you never can have things just as they ought to be. I’m going to give an afternoon tea for my niece and I’m simply wretched over it. My teaspoons aren’t the right size and I haven’t any sugar tongs, and I’m afraid I shant have enough of the tea napkins, and may have to fill in with the larger ones. I’d give the whole thing up if I could, but I don’t want to disappoint Margaret.” What a spirit to plan an entertainment in! What a travesty on hospitality! 

What do we invite our friends to our homes for, anyway? To enjoy their company and to give them a pleasant time? Or to show them our household possessions and prove that we know the rules of etiquette for each occasion and have all the required impedimenta. Real hospitality is a beautiful thing. The travesty into which we pervert it by trying to follow certain set forms and do everything just as “they” prescribe, is a very unbeautiful thing.

It is perfectly possible to entertain one’s friends, and entertain them acceptably, no matter how poor one is. Only you must go about the matter in a dignified and self-respecting spirit. Give the best you can; believe that that is sufficient; act as if it were sufficient, and it will be sufficient. Put good taste and careful planning into your preparations, select congenial people: don’t get so tired that you cannot greet them with warm cordiality; put the spirit of real hospitality into the occasion, and it cannot fail to be a success. What factor makes you have a good time when you go anywhere? Because all the appointments are just as Mrs. Grundy dictates, and the food and entertainment are expensive? Or because you are received with sincere cordiality and meet congenial people? 

Of course there may be a few people who will not care for your friendship if you cannot measure up to all Mrs. Grundy’s standards, but do you care for their friendship? They may be all right in their way, but aren't there enough people who are cultured, refined and worth knowing, and yet not so exacting, from whom you can more wisely and happily choose your friends? A great many of the pleasures of life are spoiled by the attempt to compete with people who have more money than we. Let’s not permit the joy of hospitality, the pleasure of entertaining one’s friends, be among this number. – Ruth Cameron’s Chit Chat, 1914

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Men’s 1911 Etiquette Do’s and Don’ts

“I know that women’s hats often annoy you more than yours possibly can them. I have been informed of these and all other arguments on the subject before. But you see, I didn't establish the custom. Convention did that and she still favors it.” – Ruth Cameron, 1911

A Few Etiquette “Do’s and Dont’s” for the Masculine Sex

• Never smoke when on the street with a woman. 
• Never smoke when in the room with women, no matter how well you know them, without asking their permission. 
• When you are smoking, never talk with your pipe between your teeth. Always remove it before speaking. 
• Always remove your hat in an elevator where there are women. Yes, I know that an elevator is not so very different from a street car, and men keep their hats on there, and I know that women’s hats often annoy you more than yours possibly can them. I have been informed of these and all other arguments on the subject before. But you see, I didn't establish the custom. Convention did that and she still favors it. 
• Never just touch your hat. The true gentleman always lifts it well off his head. 
• Never take a woman's arm in the street. If you wish to assist her you should offer her your arm, but that is not customary except at night or if she is aged or infirm. 
• When you are with a woman, always get off a car before her, so that you may help her off. 
• Never clean your nails or pick your teeth in the presence of your intimate friends any more than you would in public. It is just as unpleasant to them to have to see you as to the general public, and surely you owe them as much consideration. (Will the people who think that warning is not needed, anyway please watch and see how many really decent looking men they see offending that way?)
• Always rise when a woman enters the room where you are calling and remain standing until she is seated. 
• In the theater, if an usher helps you find the seat, let the lady precede you. Otherwise you precede her. 
• Don't sit in a street car with your feet stretched out in front of you where people will be apt to tumble over them. That is selfish and dangerous, as well as ill bred. 
• At the table, always remain standing behind your chair until your hostess is seated. I think it is a charming bit of domestic ceremony when this custom is carried out in the home circle and the father and children remain standing until the mother is seated.  – by Ruth Cameron, in The Morning Chat-Chat, 1911

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Gifts

“So it happens every year — Always has as yet — Such a lot of things we want. And so few we get. Always happens, always will; Don't know who’s to blame. Wish you all a very Merry Christmas, just the same.”

I'LL change that to "Hope you all have had a very merry Christmas just the same" and make it my day after Christmas wish for you people. I also have a few days' after Christmas thoughts for you. Trust you didn't work so hard and get so tired and fussed over the holiday and that all you want to do is to forget the whole thing. If you did you'd better stop here. I've given you fair warning.

In the first place, why isn't it a crackerjack idea to notice what people say they wished they'd have given them and jot it down for next year's use? Just now it doesn't seem possible that there is another Christmas coming, but truly there is, and one when you will be quite as glad to know just the right thing to give folks as you would have been this year.

Another thing —if it doesn't seem to you now as if you would ever forget what you gave each friend, but unless you jot down a list, just as sure as next Christmas comes 'round, you will be wondering whether it was to Louise or Mary you gave the hatpin, and whether it was Eleanor or Katherine you presented with a lace jabot. Why, it won't take you 10 minutes to jot down a memorandum of your Christmas giving. Do it on the train or trolley car— do it in the time you wait for the potatoes to boil, but anyhow you do it — do it now.

Wonder if there are many people who dislike as vigorously as I do the expressions "I think I fared well." "I think you did finely," as applied to Christmas giving. I know there must be a good many people who don't, by the frequency with which I hear these or similar expressions used. Seems to me it is a terrible testimony to the commercial spirit we are allowing to infest our Christmas. Try not to think things like these. Try not to say them, and above all be sure not to say them before children.

Speaking of this matter, what do you suppose I heard yesterday afternoon? Two children boasting to each other about the sum total of the value of the gifts they had received. One reckoned the love of her friends and relatives at $25. The other boasted of $32 worth of affection. Wasn't that unpleasant? What were their mothers thinking of?

Just one thing more — I have been asked if it is necessary to acknowledge Christmas cards. That, like so many similar etiquette questions, can be answered in just four words — "Not necessary but courteous." – Ruth Cameron, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Advice from 1910

True courtesy consists not in forms alone, but in forms made living by the spirit of goodwill, are facts that we have much lost sight of in our admiration of fashion and wealth... ~ Gilded age table top silver and gilt fashions for the serving of eggs at breakfast, from 1910

The Morning “Chit-Chat”

When the question of a certain point of etiquette arose among a group of us the other night the lady who always knows somehow, spoke up: “This is the way it looks to me," she said, and we all listened, as we always do when this sweet oracle speaks. “This is the way it looks to me. I think you should go first because that's the common sense way, and a teacher I had once told me that if I were ever in doubt about any point of etiquette to think ‘which is the common sense’ way, and let that decide it. ‘For every point of etiquette,’ he said, ‘No matter how foolish it seems, is built originally on some good reason, and often you can find out the proper thing to do by looking for the reason.’”

Doesn't that appeal to you as a pretty good test to apply when you are in an etiquette quandary? It does to me. And here's another. When you are in doubt as to which of the two things is proper to do, do the kinder and it's 10 to 1 you will be doing the right one. I know a little country girl who, when she dined for the first time at a stylish city home, was very much puzzled as to whether she ought to say, "Thank you" when the maid bought the serving of soup around to her place.

She decided that it would seem countryfied to do so, and received her plate in silence. She says she will never forget the flush of shame that swept over her when the mistress of the home thanked the maid, as she received her plate. If the little girl had done the kinder thing, she would have done the right thing, and she says she will never again depart from that criterion.

Speaking of that incident reminds me, by the way, of a home at which I visit, where it is the invariable custom for the master of the house, no matter what guests are present to serve the mistress of the house first. In this way she sets the example when there's any doubtful point of table etiquette, so that all her guests need to do is watch her. Isn't that an exquisite bit of thoughtfulness? To me, it seems a custom that ought to be adopted everywhere.

That there can be no really good manners without the goodness of heart, and that true courtesy consists not in forms alone, but in forms made living by the spirit of goodwill, are facts that we have much lost sight of in our admiration of fashion and wealth, but they are sterling facts just the same.

Let me commend to the young person who wants to be well-bred. Lord Chesterfield's most excellent definition of good breeding: “Good breeding is a combination of much sense: some good nature, and a little self-denial for the sake of others, with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them.” —Ruth Cameron, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia