Early European Rules of Conduct

A physician and a religious reformer, “Arnaud de Villaneuve, explained the role of sobriety and moderation in alleviating dullness and lassitude.” He lived from c. 1240–1311.
– Public domain image source, Wikipedia 

Some of the guidelines for good manners sprang from sound principles of health and safety. For example, Petrus Alphonsi's admonition about chewing thoroughly before swallowing is sensible advice to prevent choking. For the conclusion of the meal, he admonished: “After eating, ask for hand-water, for this is required by medical teaching and it is the decent and easy thing to do.” A fourteenth-century treatise on dining by Arnaud de Villaneuve, a physician and chemist from Montpellier, France, explained the role of sobriety and moderation in alleviating dullness and lassitude.

One author of a courtesy book, Francesc Eiximenis, a Franciscan friar from Catalonia, inveighed strongly against gobbling food and drinking too much. Chapters 29 thru 37 of his text covers rules of conduct similar to those of Bonvesin. Concerning women, Eiximenes thought it best to sit beside rather than opposite a lady. He warned about spraying other diners with food, picking the teeth, and over doing compliments to the host. He suggested that guests go to the toilet to rid the body of gas before sitting down at table. Serving with style and avoiding rude behavior during meals was, to Eiximenis, a form of patriotism — A way of elevating Catalonia among other European states.

In Germany, Tischzuchten (table etiquette guides), including author Sebastian Brant’s satiric “Das Narrenschiff” (Ship of Fools, 1454) established the importance of propriety at table, including hand washing before meals. Renaissance guides moved from simple admonitions against unseemly behavior in serving and dining towards matters of deference to lords and ladies. Unlike medieval etiquette specialists, Baldassare Castiglione, author of Il Libro del Cortegiano (The Book of the Coutier, 1528), emphasized grace and elegance over pragmatism. 

One mark of elegance was the male diner’s spreading of his napkin over one shoulder as opposed to the female custom of covering the lap. Less pretentious and status conscious was the Dutch humanist scholar Erasmus, who published De Civiltate Morum Puerilium (On Civility in Boys in 1530), which took up such matters as the wiping of greasy fingers and blowing the nose at table.

To avoid excesses and indignities, the English consulted such texts as Youth's Behavior, or Decency in Conversation Among Men, 1640, an anonymous work that remained a handy touchstone into the time of George Washington. The first printed guide, The Fine Gentleman’s Etiquette; or Lord Chesterfield’s Advice to His Son Verified, 1776, established pecking order between underlings and their superiors who could retaliate against discourtesy with a vengeance or ostracism. In 1800, Domestic Management offered such instruction to the house wife as to how to improve servants' manners. 

The footman, according to the text, should learn to open lobster claws in the kitchen rather than in the view of the dining room door. Gradually, the rules of proper behavior trickled down to the middle class via such books as Etiquette, or A Guide to the Usages of Society, 1836, which offered warnings against vulgarity or improprieties that would offend their betters. Thus, newcomers to wealth learned how to conceal their social inexperience. –From Encyclopedia of Kitchen History - Mary Ellen Snodgrass, 2004

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Beauty Parlor Tipping

While it is customary to tip in large shops where the service is more or less impersonal, in a small shop where the owner does all the work and the service is more personal, a tip might offend rather than please. 

Q. — How does one tip gracefully in a beauty parlor, when and what does one say at the time? High as shampoos are, I resent tipping anyhow, but understand one does in this city anyway. 

A. —As for tipping, I don't believe it requires either grace or conversation. The tip is given when a service has been performed and it is not necessary for the giver to say anything. While it is customary to tip in large shops where the service is more or less impersonal, in a small shop where the owner does all the work and the service is more personal, a tip might offend rather than please. 

In both cases many patrons prefer to express their appreciation by gifts now and then, but only when they go to the same operators all the time. — From the Log of Life, 1943

🪞Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia💇🏻‍♀️

Basic Flight Etiquette and Courtesy

Our resident travel etiquette guru, Elizabeth Soós of Auersmont School of Etiquette, is traveling again. So I asked if so would share some of her favorite etiquette tips for when flying. Her advice is below…

Looks like you made it! You have gone through all the necessary checks and now you can relax into your chair and watch those movies you haven’t had a chance to watch on Netflix because you have been so busy. Well, you will in a minute or two…

What Is Plane Etiquette?

As you walk down the jet bridge to the plane don’t forget to practice your smile and think about what you will say to airline crew. We can walk through without even thinking, being pleasant and welcoming as the crew are to you will help you when you need it. Don’t use this greeting just upon entering but to the crew inside that are waiting to help before departing.

So, you have found your seat, great! Now, place your cabin luggage in the overhead locker and stow your bag under the seat in front. If you have the window seat, then it will be more effiencnt for everyone in your row to be seated. If you have the aisle seat, then be ready to jump up to allow passenger to get seated. Once you are seated and clicked in your seat belt, take the time to review safety instructions, no matter how often you travel. Traveling through Samoa, I met an ex-flight attendant who explained the most terrifying story. Working for a Hawaiian islands based airlines, part of its roof tore off mid-air, due to the major turbulence within the cabin she was thrown around, today she lives with serious back issues.

Interestingly, one of the announcements was one I had never heard before: It was this, “Ladies and gentlemen, we kindly remind you to respect the privacy of our customers and crew. Please do not take photos or record videos of other passengers or staff without their permission.” That was not just a new point to remember, but a valid one. Please be kind enough to listen to all announcements, you never know, it may save your life!

Plane Seat Etiquette

Once the plane has gained altitude, the seat belt light is switched off, then please do what you need to, just remember staff will be walking swiftly in, preparing to serve food, if there is a meal which will be served, and/or drinks to make the flight more bearable. When travelling long distance, I use this time to catch up on the latest movies which helps me stay in my seat, taking breaks every couple of hours going for a walk and stretching, while sipping bottled water.

I recently was on a 7-hour flight from Thailand to Reunion and I had to be sitting next to the two most incontinent people on the flight. Every hour on the hour the couple would quickly go to the toilet and darting back again. I would have to gather up my pillow and blanket, press pause on the movie, remove headphones, then move out from my chair each and every time. I would have rather them leave every couple of hours and take longer to get back rather than getting up and down like a kangaroo. If you feel uncomfortable or restless take time out from your seat for 30 minutes every 2 hours, walk and stretch and keep hydrated, this will help your body feel relaxed.

Middle Seat Etiquette

I make it a point before paying for my ticket to make sure that I am not in the middle seat for long haul flights. If you are sitting in the middle chair, then you have the difficult job of making sure of a few things. One - you are not leaning on anyone whilst sleeping. Two - that your legs and feet are not going over into the space of those window or aisle side and that you are sharing the armrests with those beside you. Three - Try to stay upright while sleeping, rather than sliding sideways and resting yourself on a stranger, it won’t be appreciated and you will be pushed back. Also, it will be your job to move to the side if the person, window side, needs to use the amenities. It’s not easy being in the middle!

Chair and Armrest Etiquette

What is the etiquette for armrests and reclining your chair? Arm rests are interesting. Some people like to lean on armrests and some like to keep to themselves. I would say sharing is best if you are both armrest leaners. The better time to recline your chair is after food has been served and then cleared. The person at the back of you doesn’t want to have their tray table cutting into their ribs because you have reclined your seat early, show consideration. Crew will turn off lights and that is your sign to recline your chair, not before. Upon reclining, it gives people around you the signal you are ready to relax.

In-Flight Meal Etiquette

I have found on different carriers they will serve food to match their cultural roots. For example, Air India will service curries or biryani or Thai Airways, pad kra pao or massaman curry. I look forward to what is served, there are four main seating classes, and each will have its own food service and choices or the absence of choice. Use your dining etiquette when eating which means not eating with your mouth open and keeping eating noises as non-existent as possible. Always keep your area clean which includes your tray table and ground.

Hygiene Etiquette When Flying

Never have feet up, especially bare feet or in dirty shoes, or on people seats, back of seats or hanging out in the aisle. If you have long hair, make sure that is not hanging over or between the seats, place it into a bun. It really makes it uncomfortable for people. If you want to freshen up, it’s best not to do it at your table. Go to the restroom. 

Do you feel bloated and gaseous when flying? Well, you are not imagining it, Boyle’s Law is when pressure decreases, gases expand and you may have abdominal discomfort. When you are feeling like this head for the lavatory. The cubicle although small, if packed with goodies such as toothbrushes and paste, female hygiene products, and even the airlines ‘scent’. Why not freshen up, wipe your face, reapply make-up, brush hair and teeth and apply deodorant. Avoid doing this when it’s time to land or directly after a meal, there will be a line of impatient guests.

Exiting The Plane

Beep, Beep… “we will be commencing our descent shortly”, thank goodness! The flight is nearly over, again you will need to listen to the instructions and tidy up. Once the aircraft has landed, wait for the signal to stand and pull out cabin baggage cautiously. Wait patiently and don’t push your way to freedom and fresh air, although you might want to. When walking down the aisles, I am shocked when passing through business or premium class, how messy and littered these areas become. Paying more doesn’t mean lowering standards. Staff will regularly sweep through assisting guests to dispose of their rubbish, why not use that time to clean up around you, it takes less than 30 seconds. Before exiting the plan say goodbye to staff the same way you did when boarding and thank them for a safe flight.

Happy holidays or enjoy the rest of your onward journey.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Poor Table Manners are Unacceptable

“A man is embarrassed to be seen in smart places with a girl who holds a loaded fork in mid-air as she talks, keeps her arms crudely propped on the table.” — Above… One arm and both elbows on the table? Fork up in the air with food on it? Slouchy posture? She seems so blithely unaware that from his posture and his facial expression, he lost interest a while ago!

Poor Manners at Table to Be Deplored

You may not think your escort would notice a “little thing” like your table manners. But make a slip or two and watch his opinion of you go down! A man is embarrassed to be seen in smart places with a girl who holds a loaded fork in mid-air as she talks, keeps her arms crudely propped on the table.

But unless you're familiar with the rules, it’s hard to know what to do. Perhaps you wonder whether you should drink from your bouillon cup. Yes, you may. Use a spoon until the broth is cool enough. But never break crackers into your soup. Croutons or tiny bits of toast may be dropped in whole.

What to do when a hostess offers you a dish you don't care for? Don't speak of your dislike. Take a small quantity and, if necessary, leave it on your plate. With etiquette to guide you, even minor mishaps won’t upset your poise. Should you get a bone or fruit seed in your mouth, you inconspicuously drop it into your cupped hand. And, of course, you’ll never use your napkin as a screen.

Be perfectly sure of yourself when dining out. — From "Good Table Manners" in the Press-Telegram Home Service, 1940

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

To Make-Up at Table? Or Not?

A subtle touch up of powder to take away face shine and freshening of lipstick does not mean adding lip liner, lip gloss and eye make-up…

Is it proper to touch up your shiny nose and your lipstick at the table when you're dining out? Most etiquette experts say a discreet dab of powder and lipstick is fine and might even be a trace alluring, but a major repair job belongs in the ladies' room. 

A subtle touch up of powder to take away face shine and freshening of lipstick does not mean adding lip liner, lip gloss and eye make-up, though. Remember, make-up should remain a mystery to the observer. —By Aileen Arthur, The Desert Sun, 1983

💄Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia💋

1940’s U.S. Beauty Culture

“Personally, I view with admiration and interest, rather than disapproval, the urge of modern girls of early teen age, to be both beautiful and attractive, regardless of nature's endowments. Theirs is the age when Mother Nature has a way of making girls looks-conscious, but not until to- day have they had opportunity to do anything about it. How they take advantage of that opportunity depends on the understanding, interest and cooperation of their mothers…” — A teenaged girl, babysitting a younger sibling in 1943, wears flowers in her hair to add to nature’s endowments. I wonder if her mother approved? 🤔🌼

It's taken just about a quarter of a century for woman to prove that nature can be improved upon. Thanks to the evolution of beauty culture, facial make-up, attractive hair styling and figure control have come into their own. Take a look back to the “Gay Nineties,” which were really not gay in the modern manner. Those were the days of sallow females, stringy or crimped tresses and figures that needed attention.

Personally, I view with admiration and interest, rather than disapproval, the urge of modern girls of early teen age, to be both beautiful and attractive, regardless of nature's endowments. Theirs is the age when Mother Nature has a way of making girls looks-conscious, but not until to-day have they had opportunity to do anything about it. How they take advantage of that opportunity depends on the understanding, interest and cooperation of their mothers.

The young, modern mother, who is going out this week with her junior high school daughter of 14, to purchase the right kind of soap, puff and lotion that are both pleasing and perfect, and becoming face powder, rouge and lipstick of good make is a good example how both nature and mothers can be improved on. — From “The Log of Life” column in the San Pedro News Pilot, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Airport Etiquette

Our resident travel etiquette guru, Elizabeth Soós of Auersmont School of Etiquette, is traveling again. So I asked if so would share some of her favorite etiquette tips for when at the airport. Her advice is below…

You have chosen and bought tickets to your dream destination, and you cannot wait to start your holidays, relax, and completely disconnect from everything... but can you? With proper preparation and by remaining punctual, you’ll be able to breathe easily and enjoy your trip from the get-go. 

Before you even leave home you, of course, checked your bag to see if you have your passport. When you finally get to the airport in peak-time traffic, you are herded through security, having to pack and unpack, pulling out your boarding pass repeatedly, not the experience you want to start with! Going on holidays or traveling for business has its own set of guidelines, even at the airport. Here is what you need to know.

What Is Airport Etiquette?

Part of it is proper preparation. If you want a smooth, hassle free experience, make sure you have these items in a folder ready to-go: A valid and up-to-date or in-date passport, visa, insurance, travel itinerary and driver’s license or other similar ID. You never know what the check-in officer will ask. Recently, I quickly realized that I may need an e-visa, thanks to the recent shift in geo-politics. Realizing this, I was breaking out in cold-sweat. Fortunately, the check-in officer never asked for a visa. I was traveling to France and required to purchase a e-visa if I was staying over 90 days, I was staying a little over 30 days. That was a narrow escape!

Before leaving home make sure you weigh your baggage one or twice. Airlines take pleasure in making money from your overweight suitcase to beat the money drain, pre-buy extra weight or leave a 1kg-500g margin of error when it comes to your luggage weight. This has been drummed into me at my expense. When travelling from developing nations, checking the weight of your baggage becomes main point of contention and some countries don’t allow you to pay via credit card! Also make sure that any liquids are placed in your luggage and not your carry-on, you do not want to throw out that expensive hand lotion you just purchased.

Airport Dress-Clothing Etiquette

Take a good look of yourself in the mirror…I am here to tell you that a neat and well-arranged outfit is defiantly “the go-to” flight and airport outfit. Leave the tracksuit and the Pilates pants in the suitcase. Being well dressed shows that you are a seasoned traveller and if anything goes wrong, you look credible and serious. It could be that you wear comfortable, ironed pants, a sleeved top with a jacket or jumper with an immaculate bag and clean shoes. It could be jeans with a shirt and clean, white sneakers. Keep it simple but chic.

You have now got your boarding tickets safely between the pages of your passport and you have directly put it in your bag. That prevents loss and scamming. Now it is time to relax….Well, we are not there yet!

Airport Security Etiquette

Passing through passport control your next crucial step. It’s always important to act respectfully and refrain from alarming the staff. Stay mindful of those around you who most likely will be concerned about your frame of mind and security. I remember going on my first trip back to Pakistan after marriage. I must have looked so tired and was asked a question by a member of immigration personnel, which didn’t really register with me. This led him to ask me if I was comfortable going back to Pakistan. Realizing the stir I was causing, I promptly smiled and said that I had been to Pakistan many times and found it a great place to travel. Crisis adverted!

Take time to walk around looking at duty-free products and casually siting where your gate is located. It will help with the hours of sitting that you must do once you board. Go and eat and drink something small. If you like plane food, then avoid eating too much. I remember sitting around a table in Mayotte discussing Air Austral’s new “gourmet” invention, dubbed by travelers, “the pizz-wich”. It is a pizza sandwich, much to the horror of French food sensibilities. I found a lot of hilarity in watching the reactions of French flyers, who were both disgusted and amused when talking about this 2-in-1 food item.

Airport Lounge Etiquette

If you have enough points or purchased an airport lounge access, then enter and remember to use your time waiting mindfully. Airport lounges are great place to relax and are meant to make you feel like you are possibly in a hotel and not a stuffy, boring airport. Don’t over-drink or go crazy at the bar (noticeable intoxication can mean you’ll probably be visited by the sky marshal or airport police). 

Lounges provide all types of amenities from food and beverage services to shower service and nap stations. Lounges are wonderful if you want to freshen up early, so that when you step off the plane you are ready to walk straight into that business meeting you’re headed to. Regularly check the time to get to your gate before boarding. Take out any items that you need close to you when sitting down in your allocated seat, then lock your case or your cabin bag, for security, as the boarding hustle will start just in a few moments…

You hear the announcement that you will soon board. Be aware that on larger planes, you will be asked to board section by section. This is where you will truly use your etiquette and politeness. Allow those who are accompanying the elderly, or those with young children, or who are wheelchair bound to board and be seated first. Airlines want you to listen because it actually makes sense. Allow the ones who are seated at the back of the plane then enter first. If boarding goes smoothly, it becomes a quicker board time, and the plane gets to leave earlier. This is a plus, especially if you have a connecting flight.

Be not only the savvy traveler, but the elegant traveler, too. Make it comfortable for everyone including yourself!

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

One Chinese President’s History

His post as President of the Republic was one of honor, not of power. Etiquette and ceremony in Chinese public and private life have been matters of moment for centuries that transcend memory. Lin Sen received ambassadors. He swapped greetings with foreign governments and not infrequently with President Roosevelt.— Public domain image of Lin Sen, President of China since 1931 courtesy of Wikipedia 

A Chinese Sage

Lin Sen, President of China since 1931, made no great noise in the world throughout his lifetime. His post as President of the Republic was one of honor, not of power. Etiquette and ceremony in Chinese public and private life have been matters of moment for centuries that transcend memory. Lin Sen received ambassadors. He swapped greetings with foreign governments and not infrequently with President Roosevelt. He was rigidly honest. He had few relatives and was guilty of no nepotism. He was an early member of the Kuomintang, an active opponent of the once famous Yuan Shihkai. He held a number of offices in his long career and had come to be one of the political elders, but his personal traits are more engaging than his official work.

At first a pupil of American missionaries, he got an excellent worldly education by living in San Francisco. He spoke English well, tempered with American slang and combining American with Chinese humor. He had the tastes of an artist. One of his favorite studies was the handwriting of the ancient Chinese sages. He turned the ground story of a medieval tower into a studio. There he spent many quiet hours, brushing onto sheets of bamboo paper the antique characters.

In Nanking before the war his goatee, black cape and gray felt hat were familiar to everybody, respected by everybody. By the dealers in curios he was revered; not so much as a client as because of his acknowledged taste. Whatever article he praised was at once promoted in rank and price. For all the troubles that he saw or took part in, his must have been a fortunate and tranquil life. He was thoroughly democratic. He never would consent to a bodyguard. In his last years at Chungking he rode about in the same reliable black sedan that was a well-known "property" in the scenery of Nanking. "There goes the old man," said the people of Nanking. And his greetings to his people was noticeable for its slight West Coast twang.— Coronado Eagle and Journal, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antique Silver as Wedding Gift

When afternoon tea became a regular social event, not only was tea served, but so was coffee, and in the winter, hot chocolate. In the summer, hosts and hostesses were expected to offer lemonade, as well as the tea and coffee, until iced tea made its appearance in the U.S. via the 1904 World’s Fair. This is a depiction of a French silver tea service. It is complete with a coffee pot, a tea pot and a hot chocolate pot in the center.  It is rare to find such complete sets nowadays in antique stores. Most of the pots have been separated from one another. It is still the custom in the United States to offer coffee, as well as tea, at afternoon tea events.

Q.-The daughter of a very dear friend of mine is to be married. I am alone and have quantities of lovely silver, much of which has interesting history back of it. I would like to give her a beautiful solid silver tea service, a wedding present sent me from abroad. Or do you think I should buy a modern piece for her? —Mrs. Myrna B.

A.-Your friend's daughter would indeed be fortunate to receive such a lovely gift. And if she has good taste and values the friendship between you and her mother, she will be thrilled beyond measure and treasure your present. The modern cannot be mentioned in the same breath with the beautiful old things, such as silver and linens.— From “The Log of Life” column in the San Pedro News Pilot, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lipstick Etiquette and Marketing

After the death of EmilyPost in 1960, her granddaughter in-law Elizabeth Post took over writing her books and her syndicated columns. They were nearly all, however, under the banner of “Emily Post Etiquette.” The Elizabeth Post cosmetic and beauty line was available however, as early as the 1930s to the 1950’s,  if not even later at that. Brava to Elizabeth for carving out her own business niche, especially in the long shadow of her husband’s grandmother!

💋 TRUTH ABOUT KISSING! 💋

Almost since man first beheld woman and found her desirable, the kiss has been immortalized in poetry, sculpture and painting. What a shame that today something has been added to kissing that is so disturbing to so many men.

MEN, bless them, too often feel it's ungentlemanly to talk about lipstick smears. But think about it, they do! And they just don't want any part of it.

Perhaps, you, as a busy woman, haven't realized the full consequences of lipstick smears. And if you did, most likely you didn't know what to do about it. For until recently there was nothing you could do except not wear lipstick, which of course is unthinkable.

A woman a housewife, probably very much like yourself has now done something about lipstick smearing — not only when kissing, but when eating, drinking and smoking as well,

She has invented a clear liquid that is brushed lightly over lipstick and is guaranteed to prevent lipstick smearing. It is not a lac- quer. It is not a basecoat. And it. does not change the color of your lipstick. It's an amazing new product called LIP-STAE- and it's wonderful. 

What Lip-Stae Will Do For You

1. It will keep lipstick on you; of him, cigarettes, glasses, linens.
2. It leaves no odor on the lips; makes them softer, more lovely than lipstick alone.
3. It doesn't crust or cake; Lip- Stae actually becomes part of the lipstick itself.
4. It is completely safe; approved by Good Housekeeping.

Look what Emily Post says about Lip-Stae:

Mrs. Post, the indisputable authority on all matters of etiquette, minces no words. She says emphatically, “It’s bad manners to smear your hostess’ linen and glassware, and it is inexcusable when there is Lip-Stae.”

Kiss! Smoke! Eat! Drink! Lip- Stae is guaranteed to keep your lipstick on you all day, OFF everything else.

Only 60 and $1 (plus tax) — Newspaper Advertisement, 1949

 

One can only imagine what chemicals may have been in this product. I’m not sure there was much oversight when it came to women’s beauty products at the time. Then again, in the US and in Great Britain, lipstick was considered so important to women during World War II, the United States government kept a large stock of red lipstick in the munitions factories and other places where women were employed in the war effort. Winston Churchill deemed we that British women needed their lipstick to feel more feminine, so it was not rationed during the war, nor afterward.

💄Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Cruise Ship Conversation Manners

“Those who wish to keep shipboard acquaintanceship at that level may then do so, while others may go on to develop passionate attachments in which the exchange of personal information may be staggering, and some of it may even be true.” — Passengers quietly perusing the midnight buffet on a Viking Cruise Line ship, circa mid-1990’s.

Dear Miss Manners: I find an unfortunate number of cruise passengers who seem to think that while on board, they can forget the etiquette of polite conversation. One should not ask personal questions, such as about occupations, exact addresses and age. Accepted and desirable conversations, in addition to the weather, would include ports to be visited and the selection of shore tours.

It is OK to observe that one has previously been on this cruise ship, but not how many times. Taboo is discussion of other cruise ships, because it always results in one-upmanship. Please advise people not to reiterate the trials and tribulations experienced in reaching this and other cruise ships.

Gentle Reader: A young lady of Miss Manners' acquaintance was asked "Where are you from?" so many times on her first cruise that she proposed saving her breath by wearing a sign reading, "I'm from Chicago; OK?"

Miss Manners sympathized, but one does, as you say, need neutral conversation openers. Those who wish to keep shipboard acquaintanceship at that level may then do so, while others may go on to develop passionate attachments in which the exchange of personal information may be staggering, and some of it may even be true.

Yet Miss Manners is not nearly so strict as you as to topics of conversation. Travel adventures seem to her exactly the desirable common point from which to launch conversation on trips.

Bragging and being boring are always rude, but she fails to understand why it would be immodest to say, "We love this ship; it's our sixth time on board" or "We're so happy to be here after having been marooned on a desert island without any books except a tipping guide, because we couldn't agree beforehand on what to take." – By Judith Martin, (aka Miss Manners), 1996

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Properly Holding a Knife and Fork

It’s not just forks which are regularly held improperly — Above - The improper way to hold a knife: The handles of both the fork and the knife should be hidden in the palm of the hands. The fork handle is in the correct spot in the palm of the hand, but the knife handle is incorrectly sticking out between the index finger and the thumb.

Q. - How should one hold the fork to cut meat so as to avoid that "banjo grip?" I've read a number of etiquette books but don't play a banjo, so don't quite get the point. - Yvette

Properly holding one’s utensils can help one appear much more elegant when dining, especially in public. When we are out with others, we want to “dine,” not merely “eat.”Above — The proper way to hold both one’s knife and one’s fork in one’s hands when dining.

A. The fork should be held near the top of the handle with the prongs downward. The index finger is placed on the shank so that it points to the tines (or prongs) and is supported at the side of the thumb. The other fingers close underneath and hold the handle tight. 

As for the "banjo grip," some folks call it "immigrant fashion." It is clutching the fork perpendicularly in the clenched fist, while sawing across the food at its base with the knife. — From “The Log of Life” column in the San PedroNews Pilot, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Isabel E. Martinez

Meet Venezuelan Etiquette Authority and Etiquipedia Contributor, Isabel E. Martinez, of Spain

Meet one of our newest contributors, Isabel. E. Martinez. Isabel was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. 

As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Now living in Spain, throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. 

Teaching at a women’s event in Doha, Qatar

Below are links to Isabel E. Martinez’ articles on etiquette which you’ll currently find on Etiquipedia. More are coming soon! ;

• Dining Etiquette and History in Spain
• Napkin Etiquette and Usage
• Restaurant Job Interview

The following is a Q. & A. with Isabel:

It was the combination of these two defining experiences — a childhood rooted in the values of the table, and the discovery of my passion for teaching — that led me to what I now believe is my true calling: sharing the art of table etiquette and the transformative power of hospitality with others.

What was the impetus or pathway for starting a career in Etiquette? How did you get started? 
Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of my parents teaching us proper manners at the table. As children, we underestimated its value — as children often do. But as I grew older and began dining in different places and different settings, I realized how deeply those principles had been imprinted in me. And more importantly, I began to notice how much it truly matters.

I studied Business and because I was good using Microsoft programs while I was working, when I got married, I lived for several years in Florida, US, at that time, I started teaching Microsoft software programs and discovered the joy of teaching.

It was the combination of these two defining experiences — a childhood rooted in the values of the table, and the discovery of my passion for teaching — that led me to what I now believe is my true calling: sharing the art of table etiquette and the transformative power of hospitality with others. Because good manners are not just about rules. They are about respect. They are about making every person at your table feel seen, valued and welcome. And that, I believe, is a gift worth passing on.

We may come from different cultures, different backgrounds and different corners of the world, but we share the same mission — to keep alive the art of genuine human connection, “one table at a time”.

What (or who) do you find the most enjoyable with regard to Etiquette and your work? 
What I enjoy most is the extraordinary opportunity this industry brings — the chance to meet remarkable people who share the same passion for teaching, for serving and for making others feel truly welcome. It is astonishing how connected we all are, united by a common purpose: to spread the importance of hospitality and good manners. And it does not have to be limited to those working in the world of etiquette and protocol. You can see it — almost like a quiet glow — in everyone who works in any service-related field.

That network is something truly special. We may come from different cultures, different backgrounds and different corners of the world, but we share the same mission — to keep alive the art of genuine human connection, “one table at a time”.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career in Etiquette?
Perhaps the most rewarding moment in my career comes at the end of every workshop — the smile on every face as the session draws to a close. It is as if a door has been opened that my students never knew existed. And watching them step through it, with curiosity and newfound confidence, never gets old.

Afternoon Tea Event recently taped for the Chinese viewing market in Southern California in early March, 2026

I have had the privilege of teaching in different countries, to people of vastly different backgrounds, ages and walks of life. I will confess that there are moments, just before I begin, when I ask myself: "What could I possibly teach these people?" — particularly when faced with an audience of great experience and knowledge. And yet, without exception, I am always reminded that no matter who we are or where we come from, there is always something new to discover, always another layer of refinement to uncover.

But perhaps the most deeply fulfilling experiences of my career have come through volunteering — offering workshops in places where access to this kind of knowledge is not easily or readily available. When a student looks at me at the end of a session and asks, "When are you coming back?" or "I wish we could have more workshops like this" — those words stay with me long after I have left. They are a quiet but powerful reminder of how much still needs to be done, and of how transformative education truly is when it reaches those who need it most. It is in those moments that I am most certain of my purpose.

Setting a table in costume at Afternoon Tea Event

What types of classes or training do you offer? How do you share your expertise?
I teach Table Etiquette and the Art of Hospitality — two subjects that I consider not merely related, but truly inseparable. One cannot exist at its fullest without the other.

My workshops are designed for a wide and diverse range of audiences:
• The Hospitality Industry — restaurants, hotels and service teams looking to elevate their standards and reconnect with the human side of their profession. They are "A Shot of Professional Vitamin”, a signature workshop for professionals seeking a confident, polished refresh of their social and dining skills.
• Basic English for Hospitality — tailored for employees who regularly receive international guests and wish to communicate with greater confidence and warmth.
• Children of all ages — introducing the next generation to the values of respect, consideration and gracious behavior at the table.
• Young adults — preparing them for the professional world with the social skills and confidence they need to make a lasting impression.
• Anyone who wishes to learn the art of hosting, dining elegantly or simply bringing more intention and beauty to their table.

My workshops are available both in person and online, in English and Spanish. Each session is built upon a carefully prepared foundation of material, thoroughly customized for the specific group I am working with — because no two audiences are the same, and no two workshops should be either. That personal touch is something I treasure deeply, and it is what makes each experience truly unique.

I am a firm believer in lifelong learning. I am constantly reading, researching and taking courses whenever the opportunity arises — because in this field, as in hospitality itself, there is always something new to discover, always another layer of excellence to pursue.

Teaching a personalized, one-on-one class in Spain

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?
I genuinely enjoy every workshop I teach, each one for its own unique reasons.

Working with children is something wonderful. Recently, I had the joy of stepping into a classroom of four-year-olds — Their curiosity, their laughter and their eagerness to learn reminded me of why this work matters so deeply.

But perhaps the greatest surprise of recent years has been discovering the extraordinary thirst for knowledge that young adults carry with them. Something I did not fully anticipate — and it was nothing short of fantastic. This new generation has a remarkable amount of information and opportunity at their fingertips, and I am firmly convinced that those who invest in developing their social skills, their manners and their emotional intelligence will be the ones who truly thrive.

Daniel Post from Emily Post Institute is someone I admire. His family has been able to keep the Emily Post legacy alive. Will Guidara was the one who made me realize the Importance of Hospitality!

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most?
Daniel Post from Emily Post Institute is someone I admire. His family has been able to keep the Emily Post legacy alive. Will Guidara was the one who made me realize the Importance of Hospitality! And last, but not least, our dear Maura J. Graber. She is a “walking encyclopedia”, an educator willing to spread her knowledge expecting nothing in return for whoever wants to learn.

To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @isasetiquette on Instagram

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Job Interview Etiquette

In a restaurant interview, the table is not just where you eat. It is where you are truly evaluated. And those who understand this — who walk in prepared, poised and gracious — will always leave a lasting impression.

The Importance of Restaurant Table Etiquette During a Job Interview

In today's competitive professional world, a job interview over a meal is far more common than many candidates realize. Whether it is a casual lunch or a formal dinner, the restaurant setting adds an entirely new dimension to the evaluation process. And while your qualifications and experience will always matter, how you conduct yourself at the table can be just as revealing — and just as decisive. The truth is simple: table manners speak before you do.

From the moment you sit down, your host is observing. Not necessarily with judgment, but with curiosity. How you treat the wait staff, how you handle your napkin, whether you reach across the table or politely ask for something to be passed — all of these small moments paint a picture of who you are as a person and, by extension, as a professional.

First impressions begin before the menu arrives. Place your napkin on your lap as soon as you are seated. Sit upright, but naturally. Avoid fidgeting with your cutlery. These subtle signals communicate confidence, composure and respect — qualities every employer is looking for.

Ordering wisely is part of the interview. Avoid messy or difficult-to-eat dishes. Choose something that allows you to eat gracefully and maintain conversation without distraction. Follow your host's lead when ordering, and never order the most expensive item on the menu.

The art of conversation at the table is equally important. A meal shared is a rare opportunity to demonstrate not only your professional knowledge, but your social intelligence — your ability to connect, to listen, to read the room and to make others feel comfortable in your presence. These are skills that can be learned and refined, and once mastered, they become an effortless and invaluable part of who you are.

How you treat others tells everything. Be warm and respectful to the wait staff. Thank them. Acknowledge them. Nothing reveals character more quickly than how a person treats someone they do not need to impress.

In a restaurant interview, the table is not just where you eat. It is where you are truly evaluated. And those who understand this — who walk in prepared, poised and gracious — will always leave a lasting impression.

Meet our newest contributor, Isabel. E. Martinez, who was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @isasetiquette 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Taking Advantage of Hospitality

Nisei is referring to a person in the United States or Canada born, to a Japanese immigrant. Evidently back in the 1930s, some Nisei born in the US, felt quite comfortable taking a handful of cigarettes from a hostess’s or host’s cigarette box, to put in their pockets for later, as opposed to just taking one at a time, much to the chagrin of their immigrant parents… 

“We have gone to social affairs where hostesses have had cigarette boxes lying around with cigarettes therein. And we have seen some Nisei open these boxes and help themselves to it without asking the hostess, or even having received her invitation to do the same. Of course, we know that the cigarettes are there for the benefit of the guests; but we hardly think that it is good etiquette for the guests to help themselves to it, when the hostess has not said, ‘Please help yourselves.’” – It was common for hosts and hostesses to have boxes of cigarettes, usually highly decorative, in their homes for guests. Like with bowls of candy, however, Etiquette dictated that one should wait until offered a cigarette before taking one, and only one, at a time. Good manners would keep most people from grabbing several at one time to stick in their pockets! – 

Above, An early 20th C. Art Deco Glass Cigarette Box and Lid by Cambridge Glass Co. As Etiquipedia does not smoke, hers is used to hold cotton swabs on her vanity tray.

In “I’m Telling You, DEIRDRE!” 

A Breach of Nisei Etiquette

While we are on the subject of Nisei manners and such, another thing comes to our mind which we cannot help mentioning. Most likely many of our young Nisei friends have noticed the common sin which we are about to mention, as well some of our hostess friends.

We have gone to social affairs where hostesses have had cigarette boxes lying around with cigarettes therein. And we have seen some Nisei open these boxes and help themselves to it without asking the hostess, or even having received her invitation to do the same. Of course, we know that the cigarettes are there for the benefit of the guests; but we hardly think that it is good etiquette for the guests to help themselves to it, when the hostess has not said, “Please help yourselves.”

Another thing which is a more glaring faux pas that we have seen some Nisei boys commit, is that one of grabbing a handful of these cigarettes and pocketing them. We are sure the hostess or host may not be stingy but it is hardly good form for the guests to “chisel” in this manner. At least, it does not look very nice to an observer on the side. 

Our readers may have seen at some time or another, a similar breach of etiquette committed with candies and other such refreshments. Our Issei elders and hosts have often commented on this to us, and we do happen to know that they are very displeased at such actions on the part of the Nisei. 

One Issei man told us that he has actually seen college students and so-called college graduates doing these things as well as the younger high school “kids.” Even if our young people are not really bad people, the Issei are very likely to judge us by these actions, and of course the impressions that we leave behind are hardly favorable.

Often we do these things because we are careless and thoughtless rather than intentional or downright rudeness. About the only thing which we can do to remedy the situation with our young people is to point out some of our shortcomings can check up on themselves. — The New World Sun, 1938

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia