Etiquette and Customs of Kazakhstan

If at some time “the five-finger dish” is offered to you as a quaint, charming fact, receive it warmly—and hold it lightly. Its name is a keepsake of a long conversation between cultures; its heart is something older and simpler. The true subject of this dish was never the fingers, and never just the meat. It was the oldest of good manners there are: to feed a guest with your own hands—and to receive that gift exactly as it was meant.

Lost in Translation: How Great Steppe Hospitality Became “Five Fingers”

If you ever decide to explore the culture of Central Asia and Kazakhstan per se, the very first culinary term you will encounter is beshbarmak. Popular travel guides will invariably explain that this famous celebratory dish consists of tender boiled meat - usually lamb, horse, or beef - served over wide, thin sheets of rolled dough. They will also tell you that the name itself literally translates to “five fingers,” because it is traditionally eaten with the hands.

This version of the story feels so ancient and logical that it is rarely questioned. But it should be. The true history of this word is not a story about a recipe, but a fascinating narrative of cultural collision, translation errors, and the imperial gaze on unfamiliar etiquette.

The Linguistic Myth: A View from Within and Without

By diving into Russian archives, historian Aliya Bolatkhan uncovered an unexpected truth: the word “beshbarmak” was not born on the steppe.

In the Kazakh language, the literal phrase for “five fingers” is “bes sausak” not “bes barmak,” and it has never been used as the name of a dish. For centuries, nomads referred to their ultimate culinary centerpiece with ultimate simplicity: et (meat) or as (food). Linguist Anar Fazylzhanova notes that even today, in authentic cultural settings, people say et asaiyq (let us cook meat) or ettinnany (the dough for the meat). No one born on the steppe would naturally say “the broth for the beshbarmak.”

The word “beshbarmak” came from the outside.

The Orenburg Frontier: How Names Are Invented

Most of the earliest mentions of this term date back to the 18th and 19th centuries and lead to Orenburg—an imperial fortress city that served as Russia’s “gateway to Asia.” It was a crowded contact zone where Tsarist officials and Kazakh elites negotiated, signed treaties, and, above all, shared meals.

When a language barrier stands between people, they name what they can see. To the eyes of foreign onlookers, the most striking and exotic gesture at the table was the way the nomads ate meat with their hands.

When the traveler John Castle visited the steppe in the 1730s, his hosts, trying to please their guest, promised to treat him to a “Russian dish.” Instead, they served him finely chopped horsemeat with a bit of salt. Castle simply wrote down the word phonetically, as best he could, based on how the interpreters (tolmaches) tried to explain the process. What outsiders filed away as the name of a “cuisine” was, in reality, a description of table manners.

The Ultimate Lesson of Steppe Etiquette: More Than Food

For anyone studying global traditions, the story of beshbarmak is a perfect illustration of how easily a superficial glance can miss a profound cultural truth.

Steppe etiquette is incredibly complex and deep. It strictly regulates everything: from where a guest is seated in the yurt (the round, felt-covered tent that served as a nomad’s home) to which specific cut of meat they are served. Yet, an outsider, lacking knowledge of these nuances, focused entirely on the fingers. In doing so, they completely missed the core cultural codes:

The Ritual of “Asatu.” Genuine beshbarmak is not merely a way to satisfy hunger. The highest manifestation of respect on the steppe was a gesture where the host would use their own hand to feed the most honored guest the finest, juiciest pieces of meat. This was the wordless grammar of trust, welcome, and protection.

The Myth of Abundance. Foreigners only encountered the steppe during grand feasts, receptions, and ceremonial dinners laid on for envoys, leading them to believe that nomads ate mountains of meat every day. In reality, daily life was far more sparing, and fresh meat was a seasonal luxury. Even the dough, which today seems inseparable from the platter, only arrived in the 19th century with the development of the grain trade.

The Gift Beneath the Name

Over time, this traveler’s word made its own journey—from frontier notebooks into dictionaries, and from there into everyday speech. Names wander like that, and there is a certain grace in it: today beshbarmak is a word warmly shared across many tables—Kazakh, Kyrgyz, Bashkir, Tatar, Turkmen—each with its own cherished version of the dish.

Yet a borrowed name can quietly leave out the very thing that matters most. It remembers the gesture—the five fingers—but not the meaning within it: the care of a host who honors a guest by feeding them from their own hand, the place of honor kept for the most respected visitor, the wordless language of welcome that a shared meal has always spoken on the steppe.

So the next time “the five-finger dish” is offered to you as a quaint, charming fact, receive it warmly—and hold it lightly. Its name is a keepsake of a long conversation between cultures; its heart is something older and simpler. The true subject of this dish was never the fingers, and never just the meat. It was the oldest of good manners there are: to feed a guest with your own hands—and to receive that gift exactly as it was meant.

                                                  

Meet our newest contributor, Liliya Badayeva . Liliya, an Etiquette Consultant and Specialist was born in Turkestan, the sacred historical city of Kazakhstan. She graduated from the prestigious British etiquette school The English Manner under the Train the Trainer program, and also trained under leading Russian, Swiss, and French etiquette authorities. L

iliya brings a wealth of practical experience gained while working with international companies in both the UK and Kazakhstan. She consults on refined manners and executive presence, and is a guest columnist for the Kazakhstani business publication Business World (Бизнес Мир). She shares her insights on her Instagram page (@liliya_noblemanners) and her Telegram channel (Noble Manners / Благородные Манеры).

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Late 19th C. British Luncheon Etiquette

“The American fashion of ladies' luncheons is beginning to be adopted in this country, but not at all in the extremely elaborate fashion in which they are carried out in the States. Sometimes, even, the daylight is shut out and the dining-room illuminated as at dinner.”— An American ladies’ luncheon table of 1900.  — Photo source, Etiquipedia’s private library 

Luncheons of 1900

Luncheon is usually an informal meal, but circumstances may invest it with some amount of importance. The invitations may then possibly be framed in the third person, but as a rule they are written in the first.

Dear Mr. So-and-so, Will you give us the pleasure of lunching with us on Thursday at 2 o'clock,

Very truly yours,

Regina Roe

or:

Dear Mr. Dash, Will you lunch with us at Claridge's on Thursday? The Nonpareils will be of our party and I am asking our mutual friend, Miss Such-and-such.

Luncheon at a restaurant affords an easy way of entertaining one's acquaintance, but it is not regarded as nearly so great a compliment as an invitation to dinner, whether at a restaurant or at one's own home. London hostesses find it a useful mode of acknowledging some obligation they may have incurred. Some houses make luncheon a sort of general at-home hour for friends and acquaintance. "I am always at home at 1.30," a lady will say, and will expect her friends to take her at her word, and lunch in this very informal way two or three times in the season. 

But it is as well to be chary of turning up too frequently. Refrain in such circumstances as these. A general invitation has long had the character of being no invitation at all. Either it means nothing, or it means too much. In the latter case, the luncheon-table may be very crowded on the very day one turns up in response to repeated invitations. This is uncomfortable all round, but more particularly for the guest. Hostesses who ladle out their invitations are presumably indifferent to the scramble that ensues for seats at their lunch-tables on some days.

There are men in London society who have an unenviable reputation as "cadging" for lunch invitations, and one very good-natured are called "paupers' free meals" on account of the number of very hungry young men who assemble at them. The system of cadging for meals is not unknown in the country, as many a provincial hostess can testify. 

The man who calls at half-past twelve or so lays himself open to this insinuation. Any one who wishes to avoid it must be very careful not to make a call at any house within an hour of the usual meal time. Tea is the exception, but tea can scarcely be called a meal. Every one on visiting terms is expected to have tea at any time between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. There is no compliment of hospitality involved in this.

The lunch party does not leave the drawing-room in pairs, as for dinner. The hostess sometimes says to a friend who of knows the house well: "Will you lead the way with Mrs. Dash?" If there are gentlemen present, they follow the ladies to the dining-room, unless specially asked by the hostess to take the ladies down.

The American fashion of ladies' luncheons is beginning to be adopted in this country, but not at all in the extremely elaborate fashion in which they are carried out in the States. Sometimes, even, the daylight is shut out and the dining-room illuminated as at dinner. The toilettes of the ladies are also more like dinner dresses than those usually worn in the afternoon. Here, with us, ordinary afternoon dress is the rule for ladies. In town, in at the season, a man is expected to Luncheons wear either a frockcoat or a cut-away black coat. If he has been regularly invited to lunch he leaves his hat and stick in the hall. In the country, a man wears a country suit, or riding dress if he has ridden from his own home to his hostess' house.

All the guests are shown into the drawing-room, where the hostess receives them. They retain their hats and, in winter, leave furs or heavy wraps in the hall or dining-room. Gloves are usually removed and when sitting down to table. The hostess may or may not have hat or bonnet on. If she has just come in from shopping or driving, she very probably will be in outdoor dress. At a very formal luncheon, however, she will be in indoor dress; since outdoor costume might be interpreted as having reference to some intention of going out immediately after, and would be considered as a hint to her guests to leave early.

The routine of the meal is very simple. When the table is laid, all cold dishes are placed upon it, so as to have the service simplified as much as possible. One of the charms of lunch is that the servants are not in the room after the sweets have been brought in and handed round. In some houses, when the meal is a very elaborate one, the servants remain to hand fruit or ices, but the general custom is for them to leave the room and shut the door, having left everything ready in the shape of plates, knives, forks, spoons, etc...

The meal is never expected to be a very elaborate one. Soup or fish may precede a joint or an entrée, or a dish of game. The joint is getting quite unfashionable among the smart. Rather small chicken pies or dishes of a French character are more acceptable than anything heavy or solid. Where the ménage is of an She understands the great importance of careful training in nice ways of eating, drinking, and general behaviour. —From Eliza Lavin’s, “Etiquette for Every Day,” 1900

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Gilded Age Bachelors’ Household Staffs

Many bachelors hire some middle-aged woman who not only does the cooking, but takes care of the apartment, valets him, and waits at table when he has guests to dinner. Others employ a man to look after them, who is valet and general factotum, and others again, with larger establishments, a man and wife. The former does the valeting, the waiting, and is steward and butler, while the woman attends to the cooking and laundry. 

A BACHELOR'S SERVANTS

Particular servants hired by a bachelor:

The groom is, with the exception of the general servant, the first domestic likely to be in the employ of an unmarried man of moderate means. When a bachelor becomes a horse owner he can never be too particular about his turnouts and his liveries. The groom in the city or at a fashionable watering place should have two liveries—one for dress occasions and the other for what is known as a "stable suit." The latter, which is a simple English tweed or whipcord, made with a cutaway coat of the same material, will answer perfectly well for the country, where it is ridiculous to have elaborate liveries. A square brown Derby is worn with this suit, brown English driving gloves, and a white plastron or coachman's scarf. This flat scarf is the badge of distinction between the house and stable servant. No tie pin nor trinkets of any description should be allowed servants. 

The best dress livery is a frock coat, single-breasted, of kersey, the color of your livery; white buckskin riding breeches, top boots, top hat, white plastron, standing collar, and brown driving gloves. One distinctive color should be used, not only for your liveries but also for your traps, as well as one kind of harness. The cockade on the hat is the privilege abroad of ambassadors; it is bad form. Besides the care of your horse or horses, your groom must be a species of outside general servant, ready to go on errands or attend to the numerous duties of a manservant about a country place. By no means can he be substituted for a valet, a butler, or an indoor servant. When he brings your trap to the door he holds the animals' heads until you are seated, when he touches his hat and lets go the reins. If he is to sit behind in the trap he must hold himself upright with folded arms. He alights immediately the trap is stopped, running all errands, and holding the horses until the drive is resumed. 

He sometimes accompanies his master when the latter rides. He brings his horse to the door and holds it until the mount. He follows, occasionally, on another horse at a respectful distance. Should you be wealthy enough to have also a coachman, your groom can act as second man on the box. A coachman's dress livery consists of a double-breasted long coachman's coat, top boots, and buckskin breeches, white flat plastron, high collar and top hat, and brown driving gloves. When both servants are employed the groom is under the orders of the coachman as regards the stable work.

The Valet.—Of course a valet is a luxury. A man can valet himself very easily, and if the instructions given in the chapters on the Care of Clothes and The Toilet are followed carefully, I hardly think that you would need such a personage. A woman can be perfectly trained to valet a man. Your general servant can also, and is required to fill this position. If you live at a club the club valet will attend to your clothes, and perform the duties of a private servant. There are "valeting companies" organized in many large cities, which take entire charge of your wardrobe, and again there are valets who are hired by several men clubbing together, and who are very capable servants. The individual valet, however, is a very valuable aid to a young bachelor of wealth, especially if he is a man of leisure, or if he goes out a great deal in society. A valet's duties are first and principally the entire charge of his master's wardrobe and toilet, the details of which have been given in previous chapters. They begin an hour or so before the master rises, when clothes are to be pressed and put in order, boots and shoes to be polished and placed on their trees, and the costume of the day to be made ready. If possible, a small room is provided for him as his workshop.

At the hour for rising, the valet enters his master's room very quietly, and, if he is awake, pulls up the shades and lets in the daylight. The bath is then prepared, and while that is being taken the newspapers, mail, and breakfast tray are brought in, and the valet waits for orders. Some men require their valets to shave them, but the majority simply intrust the care of their razors to them, preferring to perform that operation themselves. The valet assists his master in dressing, and, when the toilet is finished, ties or buttons the boots, arranges the spats, and gives a final brush to the clothes. He then fetches the stick, gloves, and hat. During the day he may be employed on errands, in answering tradespeople, in paying bills, or in any minor occupations of that kind. A first-class servant of this character should not only be steward but secretary. When writing letters for his master he should write them in the third person, and also sign them "Respectfully yours, John Smith, valet."

A valet is told of the engagements of the day, and has the clothes arranged accordingly, and he must be at his post. In the evening the dress suit is laid out, with choice of ties and two coats, the formal and informal, or Tuxedo. A valet must be at the rooms when his master retires. In traveling he takes care of the luggage, tickets, and all the little annoying details. He travels second class abroad, and in this country he should never be allowed to be a passenger in a drawing-room car with his master. The valet wears no livery. He dresses quietly in a plain sack suit of dark material, and wears a Derby hat. Should he be required to wait on table, he dresses in semi-livery if the affair is a luncheon, and in evening dress if it is a dinner.

The butler is a very rare functionary in a bachelor's establishment, only the wealthiest being able to afford him. The valet or general servant acts as butler, and when in this position he should always have a black coat on when answering the bell.

I have used the terms throughout this chapter of "master" and "servant." Employer and employee are correct only when the relations between the two persons are not of a domestic character.

The most fashionable and efficient menservants are of English, Scotch, or Irish birth or descent. Japanese make excellent valets. Colored coachmen and grooms are not the vogue in New York or vicinity, but they are seen in the South. Very wealthy bachelors have introduced a fad for East Indian servants, but at present only a few of these have been employed, and those at Newport. — From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

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The Protector of Hospitality

The Greek god Zeus: 

 
Abusing a defenseless stranger is disgraceful. Strangers are especially protected by the gods in many cultures; In ancient Greece, Zeus himself is called Xenios, Protector of Hospitality 

Hospitality in Homer’s Time

Hospitality in Homer’s time was well shown through long travels such as Odysseus' in The Odyssey as well as the guest-friend relationship, known as xenia. There are many possible reasons why hospitality was more prevalent in those times. Traveling in Homer’s time was much more extensive and lengthier than in modern times. The less advanced methods of transportation used in Homeric times, such as by boat or by foot, were much slower than modern forms of transportation. Because of this, many more nights were spent away from home in many different locations. Also, there were not hotels or inns where travelers could pay and stay the night. Even if there were, travelers probably could not afford to pay for every night they were gone. Because of this, travelers had to rely on the hospitality of others for shelter, food, and protection. There was, however, some payment for this hospitality in the form of a gift exchange. 

Another possible reason for this hospitality was the fact that there were not nations that would allow travelers to enter their territory safely. Without such hospitality, strangers could be captured or even killed for entering a foreign land. The Greek guest-friendship xenia may have been formed from this. Xenia is the Greek relationship between two people from different regions. This allowed for the members of the relationship to safely travel into the other member’s territory and receive a place to stay and something to eat. Another possible explanation for the amount of hospitality shown is that the Greeks believed the gods wanted them to show hospitality to anyone who showed up at their homes. It was also believed that turning away someone and not providing them this hospitality would result in some form of punishment from the gods. Finally, hospitality could have been used to spread ones name and bring them a sense of fame if they would provide a high standard of hospitality to strangers. 

It also could have been a way to show how wealthy one was. These can be shown from this quote from The Odyssey: “Come, friend, and give me something; for you seem to be no lowly man among the Greeks, but their most noble lord - indeed a chief. So you should offer more than others can - I’d make you famous then in endless lands. I, too, was once a man of means; my house was rich; I often gave to vagabonds, whoever they might be, who came in need”. 

Is hospitality as customary now as it was in Homer’s time, and if not, why? It seems as though modern people do show hospitality towards others, but in a different way than those in Homeric times. It is not custom anymore to provide food, protection, and shelter to a stranger that arrives at someone’s door. This could be because there are hotels and restaurants almost anywhere one can go. There is no need to for someone to ask for these. 

Also, protection is not a large concern for most travelers, especially in the United States. Hospitality is still shown, however, in modern society. For example, when someone’s car breaks down most people would welcome them into their homes and help them in any way they can without even asking who they are. Also, most people know of someone, be it family or friend, in a different city that would welcome them and provide them with a place to stay and food, which is similar to the xenia in Homer’s time. Although the hospitality customs of Homer’s time are not still around, there are similarities to them and hospitality is still visible. — From About Ancient History, For more read: Etiquette and Roots of Hospitality 

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Gilded Age Entertainment Etiquette

The beverage served is chocolate, and that chocolate enters into all the refreshments served, such as chocolate wafers, etc. A chocolate lemonade will be a nice addition in hot weather, chocolate bon-bons being passed in dainty silver bon-bon baskets.

The Chocolataire

This is rather a new entertainment. Its novelty lies in the fact that the beverage served is chocolate, and that chocolate enters into all the refreshments served, such as chocolate wafers, etc. A chocolate lemonade will be a nice addition in hot weather, chocolate bonbons being passed in dainty silver bon-bon baskets.

It is simply announced through the usual channels as a "Chocolataire," and numerous other refreshments all containing chocolate in some form can be dispensed, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, etc...

 The cards are the same as for "Teas" and "Coffees," simply substituting the word "Chocolataire" or "Chocolate" in the left hand corner. If this is used, as it sometimes is, for a church or charitable entertainment, cards are not issued, but it is simply announced through the usual channels as a "Chocolataire," and numerous other refreshments all containing chocolate in some form can be dispensed, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, etc... — From Maude C. Cooke’s, “Social Life; or, The Manners and Customs of Polite Society,” 1896

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Gilded Age Wedding Breakfasts

A menu that would be easy to prepare for a wedding breakfast would be two hot dishes consisting of chicken croquettes, lobster cutlets, oyster patties or creamed oysters. Everything else might be cold and as follows: salad, either chicken or lobster, pickled oysters, a small wedding cake, little cakes for the bridesmaids, Charlotte Russe and coffee. The table decorations should either be all white, or the-277- colors used in the bridesmaids' costumes. Let the waitresses be dressed in white. — Above, a formally set table for a wedding breakfast in 1900, by Wallace Silversmiths

It is well-bred to serve the breakfast with as little formality as possible, and with as few attendants; one servant, a maid, or man servant is sufficient unless the party is unusually large.

If grape-fruit be used for a first course, or orange skins filled with juice, a wreath of smilax on each plate makes a pretty decoration.

A breakfast should invariably begin with fruit, followed by a course of eggs. This latter is one of the essentials, and offers a greater variety than is perhaps known outside of France. A Spanish omelette, if properly made, is a thing to be treasured among the “pleasures of memory.” Stuffed eggs, or hard boiled eggs cut in slices, with a bechamel or white sauce, are appropriate and generally liked. A fish course, an entrée, one meat, a salad and a sweet course should follow next in order, concluding with coffee. The entrée and the meat may form one course, if a slice of duck with olives, fried chicken or some such dish be selected.

Ices of all kinds are entirely out of place at a breakfast. An omelette soufflée, peaches with cream, or best of all a fruit salad, are within the proprieties. This last never fails to call forth enthusiastic-276- appreciation. It is simply made, and keeps perfectly for two or three days. Half a dozen oranges should be peeled, leaving no particle of the white adhering, and then cut in small pieces. Half a ripe pineapple, broken with a fork into bits and sugared to taste, and four bananas sliced, are mixed with the oranges, and the whole put on ice for three or four hours. This will be found a dish rivalling the ambrosia of high Olympus.

With the first course of fruit, finger-bowls are in readiness, but are removed at its close. Hot breads and breakfast cakes are always suitable, and oatmeal, carefully cooked and served with thick cream and powdered sugar, often follows the fruit. The closing course should be hot cakes served with honey or maple syrup.

If there are ladies present, or the hostess presides, the coffee, chocolate, etc., are poured by her, and after the first course she asks the guests when they will have it served.

The following will be found an acceptable bill of fare for an ordinary breakfast party. It can of course be varied to suit the convenience and taste of housekeepers.

Bill of Fare for Breakfast.

Melons. Grapes. Oranges. Fried Perch with Sauce Tartare.
Young Chickens with Cream Gravy. Saratoga Potatoes.
Poached Eggs on Toast. Broiled Quails. Baked Mushrooms.
Tomatoes or Celery. Bread and Butter.
Crackers. Hot Cakes. Coffee. Tea. Chocolate.

If a butler serves at a breakfast he does not wear full dress as at a dinner.

Wedding Breakfast Menu.

A menu that would be easy to prepare for a wedding breakfast would be two hot dishes consisting of chicken croquettes, lobster cutlets, oyster patties or creamed oysters. Everything else might be cold and as follows: salad, either chicken or lobster, pickled oysters, a small wedding cake, little cakes for the bridemaids, Charlotte russe and coffee. The table decorations should either be all white, or the-277- colors used in the bridesmaids' costumes. Let the waitresses be dressed in white. — From Maude C. Cooke’s “Social Life or The Manners and Customs of Polite Society,” 1896

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Gilded Age Propriety: Walking Alone

Young girls who were privileged enough to be raised with a governess, had a companion and chaperone all in one, to walk about town if they needed fresh air. — “Parents and guardians have to discriminate between those who can and those who cannot be trusted to take care of themselves.”

 

Under “Odds and Ends of Etiquette”

Young girls of high social position are never seen walking alone in town. Young girls of the higher middle classes have been of late so emancipated (chiefly by the bicycle) that they usually are free to go about alone. 

Of course, very much depends upon the girl herself. Some are as self-possessed at twenty as if they were forty at least, and quite as capable of quietly putting impertinent persons in "their place." 

Other girls retain an expression of childish simplicity, which is not a safeguard against insolence; and again, others are very nervous, and easily frightened. Parents and guardians have to discriminate between those who can and those who cannot be trusted to take care of themselves.— From Eliza Lavin’s, “Etiquette for Every Day,” 1900

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Breakfasts’ Etiquette

 

Blue and white is a good combination, and is, perhaps, more suitable for the morning meal than anything else. As a certain philosopher says: “The blue and white look so pretty with the eggs!” — From, “The Myrtle Reed Cook Book,” 1905

BREAKFAST or a luncheon is somewhat less formal than a dinner and, hence, so much the more delightful. The breakfast party includes both gentlemen and ladies while, as a rule, the luncheon is an entertainment given to ladies. The invitations to a breakfast may be written, engraved or verbal. If a large number of guests are invited to meet some distinguished stranger, engraved invitations are issued.

Five days or a week's notice is usually considered sufficient, but if distinguished wits and scholars are to be secured, it is well to give a longer period, since their time, always in demand, should be bespoken well in advance. A reply to the invitation is a necessity, because the hostess wishes time, in case of non-acceptance, to secure another guest.

Where the breakfast is less stately in character, an informal note, written by the hostess, in the first person, is a pleasant method, or simply written on the lady's visiting cards under the name in this form: Breakfast, Tuesday, ten o'clock, February fifteenth.

Artificial light is out of place, and sunshine should flood the apartment, while a certain airiness and daintiness should pervade the table appointments, quite the opposite of the elaborate display that characterizes the dinner party. Flowers should form the decorations of the table. Breakfast parties are a very convenient mode of social entertainment for those whose limited means will not admit of a more extensive display of hospitality.

Ten o'clock is the usual hour, though it may be as late as twelve, thus differing from the luncheon, which is never earlier than one. Breakfast parties are a favorite reunion with literary people, who generally take the morning hours for leisure, leaving brain work until later in the day. Sidney Smith said he liked breakfasts, “because no man was conceited before one o'clock in the day.” 

In serving breakfast the bill of fare, unless for special occasions, should never be elaborate, but rather dainty and attractive, as the appetite usually needs tempting at this early hour; fewer courses of a more delicate variety should be served than at other meals. The hostess dispenses the coffee, tea and chocolate from the head of the table; the substantials are set in front of the host, who may help the plates and hand them to the waiter to serve; the vegetables and other dishes may be handed from the side table.— From Maude C. Cooke’s “Social Life or The Manners and Customs of Polite Society,” 1896

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Cyclers’ Do’s and Don’ts

A proper wheel-woman’s “Cycling Costume” from 1901

A Few Don’ts for Cyclers

• Don't try to raise your hat to the passing “bloomer” until you become an expert in guiding your wheel.
• Don't buy a bicycle with down-curve handles. It is impossible to sit erect and hold that kind of a handle.
• Don't go out on a bicycle wearing a tail coat unless you enjoy making a ridiculous show of yourself.
• Don't travel without a jacket or loose wrap, to be worn while resting. A summer cold is a stubborn thing.
• Don't allow a taste for a bit of color in your make-up to tempt you to wearing a red or other gay-colored cap.
• Don't get off the old gag about “that tired feeling” every time you stop by the roadside for a little breathing spell.
• Don't absent yourself from church to go wheeling, as you and your bicycle are welcome at most houses of worship.
• Don't leave your bicycle in the lower hallway of your flat-house for the other tenants to fall over in the dark.
• Don't believe the farmer boy who says that it is “two miles to the next town.” It may be two, four, six or twelve.
• Don't be more than an hour passing a given point, although wheeling on a dusty road is honestly conducive to thirst.
• Don't smile at the figure others cut astride their wheels, as it is not given you to see yourself as others see you.
• Don't coast down a strange hill with a curve at its bottom. There is no telling what you will meet when it is too late.
• Don't ride ten miles at a scorching pace, then drink cold water and lie around on the grass, unless you are tired of life.
• Don't try to carry your bike downstairs under your arm. Put it on your shoulder, or you will come to distress.
• Don't laugh the watchful copper to scorn because your lamp is burning brightly. He can afford to wait his time to laugh.
• Don't dress immodestly or in the costume of a track sprinter. Sweaters worn like a Chinaman's blouse are almost indecent.
• Don't forget that the modern law of the road requires you to turn out to the right in passing another bicycle or other vehicle. — From Maude C. Cooke, 1896

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid 20th C. Fraternity Dining Etiquette

North Carolina State's First African American Fraternity, 1971

A good rule, cut your food with a fork if it is soft and can readily be done this way. Also use fork for vegetables and salads and for pastry dessert. Use the regular dinner fork if no salad or dessert fork has been provided. When you are not using the fork, and after you've finished eating, place it on the plate prongs up.

The knife is used to cut with and you shouldn't use it to dissect baked potatoes and other such foods. When you're not using the knife, you should place it on the side of the plate, edged turned in. It is incorrect to lean the knife or other utensils against the plate edge.

When special steak and butter knives are provided, they should be readily recognized. At the end of the meal the knife and fork should be placed on the plate at an angle of about forty-five degrees to the edge of the table, handle to the right. This is utilitarian for thus the silver has no chance of slipping off the plate when it is taken from the table.

A spoonful of soup is carried just to the lips and not into the mouth. Solids or semi-solids are taken into the mouth, though no farther than necessary, and large or heaping spoonfuls should be avoided. Do not use a spoon for vegetables.

There are some edibles which are to be taken in the fingers such as corn on the cob, olives, pickles, celery, green onions, and artichokes. Chicken is occasionally handled with the fingers, but don't do it unless it's the custom of the house. Crackers or bread shouldn't be broken into soup or stew any more than gravy should be poured over a slice of bread in a plate. And don't dunk.

Of the three methods of serving food, the family style, that of placing the food on the table and allowing the guests to help themselves, is the most informal. When family style is the custom, food should be passed to the right, enabling one to serve a guest before oneself.

A more formal style of serving, employed in chapter houses is for special guest dinners and for the evening meal, is to serve on plates from the kitchen or serving pantry. Bread, butter, and such items may be placed on the table, or these also may be brought in from the kitchen. The host and guests are served first from the left; the plates are also removed from the left. One shouldn't begin to eat until the others have been served and the head of the table or the host himself begins. However, if a nervous or over-hungry guest should start beforehand, it might relieve embarrassment for the members to begin too.

The third style of serving is from the head of the table. From serving dishes placed there, the person at the head portions out the food on the plates, passing them down both sides, without deference to guests. Those at the table pass along their plates for portions, or the plates may all be placed at the head.

There is a good reason for nearly every rule governing table etiquette. People who are naturally courteous and thoughtful have little difficulty in cultivating a good table manners. The basis of all formal etiquette is consideration for the rights and sensibilities of others. Manners differ from state to state; the local custom should be observed.— From the Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity Pledge Manual: The Fraternity Gentleman, 1960

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Elevator Etiquette Debate

“Is a woman less a woman in these days of business efficiency than in the old times, when her chief duty was to sit on a cushion and ‘sew a seam’ or be a mere toy for some man?” he asked. In other words, is the feminine invasion of the business world causing men to lose the proper amount of respect for women? — What the well-dressed men of the 1920’s were wearing. – Image source, Pinterest

How Men “Should Act?”

Should men remove their when women enter an elevator?

The editorial writer started it…

Several days ago he wrote and published a few hundred pointed words under the heading - “Hats Off, Gentlemen.”

Forty-eight hours had scarcely passed before a number of letters were received from men and women who had read what he had written.

In one of these letters a woman stated very plainly what she thought of men who failed to remove their hats when she entered an elevator,

ASKS MANDATORY LAW

She finished with a knock-out punch in these somewhat determined words: “And if something isn't done about it soon I intend asking the city council to pass an ordinance compelling men to show the proper amount of respect to women under all conditions.”

For her sake “something” is going to be done.

It has been decided that an unofficial referendum shall be conducted by one who shall be known as the “Elevator Etiquette Editor,” so that this small but important question of the doffing of a hat is now open for discussion in a free-for-all fashion.

When the editorial writer spoke in a proving manner in his “Hats Off” article he called attention to another question conjunctively interesting.

WOMEN AND WORK

“Is a woman less a woman in these days of business efficiency than in the old times, when her chief duty was to sit on a cushion and ‘sew a seam’ or be a mere toy for some man?” he asked.

In other words, is the feminine invasion of the business world causing men to lose the proper amount of respect for women?

Thousands upon thousands of men and women travel in the elevators of the city daily. As the “Elevator Etiquette Editor” was told, each should have something to say on the question of the removal of hats. Some indifferent persons may say that it is a small thing after all, but as the polished Earl of Chesterfield remarked, “It is the small things that count.”

ELEVATORS SOMETHING ELSE 

It might be added, however, in a sense of fairness, that skyscrapers and elevators were unknown in the days when Chesterfield swaggered in the English court, spending his idle moments in addressing letters of advice to his son.

Then, too, there arises this question: Providing men should remove their hats when women enter an elevator should the women acknowledge in any way the mark of respect that is paid them?

There are any number of interesting angles to the proposition if one devotes a little thought to it.

The editorial writer started it and the “Elevator Etiquette Editor” is ready to finish it, so sharpen up the old pencil, oil up the trusty type-writer and get busy.

Address your letters to “The Elevator Etiquette Editor” of The Evening Herald, 1920

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Diets, Allergies or Tastes

 

Not so long ago, people with special dietary needs politely (and quietly) made do at dinner parties. But today, the dictum ''eat what's on your plate'' is rapidly being eclipsed by a ''have it your way'' mentality, and the changing social order poses questions of etiquette and presents new quandaries in entertaining.

“I Don't Eat …” Plays Havoc With Parties

A 2nd Debut Article from 2022

CHICAGO'S premier caterer, John Calihan, still remembers the nightmare. It was to be a dinner party a la Gatsby, a black-tie evening for 20 of the local Jays and Daisys. The hostess, a Chicago socialite, had enlisted Mr. Calihan to prepare her family bouillabaisse recipe. Spare no expense!

Mr. Calihan arranged for the proper species of seafood to be flown in from France, Maine and Nantucket. While the engraved sterling silver place cards were being polished and the flowers fussed over, the caterer (and six cooks hired for the occasion) painstakingly prepared the fish stew. It was a perfect bouillabaisse. And it was a perfect disaster. ''I'm allergic to shellfish,'' announced a guest as the waiter attempted to ladle the stew from a steaming tureen. The next guest said, ''I don't eat fish.'' Another said, ''I don't like fish.'' Two others demurred with a shake of the head. ''The hostess nearly fainted,'' Mr. Calihan recalled.

This happens at the finest tables these days. The national preoccupation with dietary restrictions - born of food allergies, health concerns or religious constraints - is changing the American dinner party. Mr. Calihan and caterers and hosts from other cities say guests have become more vocal about their food preferences, and an a la carte attitude is encroaching on the the last preserve of the communal feast.

Not so long ago, people with special dietary needs politely (and quietly) made do at dinner parties. But today, the dictum ''eat what's on your plate'' is rapidly being eclipsed by a ''have it your way'' mentality, and the changing social order poses questions of etiquette and presents new quandaries in entertaining.

Not long ago, hosts routinely called guests to discuss dress and seating arrangements. Today, ''those who wish to entertain practically have to ask for a medical history when inviting people to dinner,'' said Gail Banks, a Boston hostess.

Divergent diets complicate menu planning for the host. ''Mrs. Burlingham can't eat salt, the Jaynes are on Pritikin and the Hirschorns keep kosher,'' said Michael J. Anderson of New London, Conn., a 37-year-old lawyer who is planning a dinner party for October. ''What am I? A cafeteria line?''

Manners mavens agree that guests should inform hosts ahead of time of severe allergies or life-threatening medical conditions and that hosts should accommodate these, as well as religious restrictions, to the best of their abilities.

The ever-widening ethnic mix at dinner parties poses new cultural considerations. And by adapting to these, as well as to food allergies (which range from the potentially lethal to very mild), lactose intolerance, high cholesterol, hypertension and vegetarian and kosher restrictions, the modern host may have opened the floodgates for more idiosyncratic concerns about consumption.

Letitia Baldrige, the author of ''Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to the New Manners for the 90's,'' to be published by Rawson next year, recently dined in the home of friends who offered fresh-caught swordfish for dinner. As the fish was served, a fellow guest appraised the menu. ''I'm surprised,'' he murmured. ''The waters around here are polluted.'' The comment, Ms. Baldrige said, ''took the joy out of the dish and focused all the attention on one person.''

Not long ago, hosts routinely called guests to discuss dress and seating arrangements. Today, ''those who wish to entertain practically have to ask for a medical history when inviting people to dinner,'' said Gail Banks, a Boston hostess.

''No matter what the menu is, we don't go to a party without plenty of extra-virgin olive oil, vegetables, fish and plain fruit,'' she said. This holistic ammunition, she said, ''really cools out everybody with special dietary needs.''

But Mr. Savoca, the New York caterer, believes that a la carte accommodations erode the communal nature of the dinner party. ''The best host figures out how to accommodate special needs on one menu,'' he said.

Along with other inveterate dinner-givers, he outlines the parameters of inoffensive dinner party fare: avoid pork, shellfish, duck, lamb and fried food. Emphasize starch, whether pasta, potatoes or bread. Focus on salad and vegetables. Exercise restraint in the use of butter, animal fat, eggs and salt. Fruit should always be offered in addition to a very rich dessert. Always have mineral water on the table and freshly brewed decaffeinated coffee on hand.

Impressive menus can be created within these restrictions, but some hosts say meals designed to be inoffensive are boring. ''I call them dry-cleaned menus,'' Mr. Calihan said. ''They sound interesting, but they all end up tasting the same.'' Hosts, he said, can battle the blands with interesting garnishes and dramatic presentations.

Several recent changes in serving customs also help soothe the Me-Me dinner guest. Platter service, for instance, is being revived across the country. ''This allows guests to select discreetly,'' Mr. Savoca said. A renaissance of dinner buffets allows the same latitude for both picky and medically restricted eaters. Choice is the most gracious response to dietary restrictions.

But setting aside the white gloves and cream sauces will not placate the truly food rude. With them, Ms. Baldrige said, a host ''must hang tough.''

Pamela Black, a 28-year-old fund-raiser for the Children's Aid Society in Manhattan, learned that lesson when she gave her first sit-down dinner party. Ms. Black was familiar with the diets of each of her 12 guests and spent three days marinating a leg of lamb, preparing ratatouille, cleaning lettuce and making a peach tart. When she presented the platter fanned with rosy slices of lamb, one guest arched an eyebrow. ''Bambi,'' he said. Ms. Black corrected him. ''Mary's little lamb,'' she said, ''followed by salad from Peter Rabbit's patch.'' You Name It, It's Off Limits For Someone 

HERE is a list of caveats for the sensitive host, based on suggestions from caterers and others. Items that may cause allergic reactions: 

• Shellfish 
• Nuts 
• Red wine 
• Cheese 
• Tomatoes, eggplant and other members of nightshade family
• Garlic 
• Monosodium glutamate 

Items that may be proscribed by religion: 

• Shellfish 
• Pork 
• Meat and dairy products in combination 
• Caviar 
• Meats 
• Alcoholic beverages 

Items health-conscious people may try to avoid: 

• Animal and saturated fats 
• Sweets 
• Dairy products 
• Starches and breads 
• Fried foods 
• Beef and other red meat 
• Sauces 
• Butter 
• Caffeine 
• Alcoholic beverages 

Items that people may avoid for social or political reasons:

• Veal 
• Meat in general 
• Any food targeted for boycotts 

Foods some people do not like to think about eating: 

• Rabbit 
• Squid 
• Snails 
• Sweetbreads 
• Venison 
• Organ meats 
• Snake 

Foods that people may be embarrassed to eat at a party because they are messy: 

• Bony fish 
• Artichokes 
• Corn on the cob 
• Fried chicken 
• Soups 
• Ribs 
• Poultry with bones 
• Spaghetti or other long pasta 
• Tacos 
• Lobster. – By Molly O'Neill, Sept. 13, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Veggies, Sweets, Etc…

As regards sweets, compôtes of fruit and fruit tarts should be eaten with a dessert-spoon and fork, as should those dishes where juice or syrup prevails to the extent of rendering a dessert-spoon necessary. But whenever it is possible to use a fork in preference to a spoon it is always better to do so. Jellies, creams, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork. As a matter of course, young ladies do not eat cheese at dinner-parties.

When large potatoes are served in their skins a salad-plate should be handed at the same time whereon to place them.

When asparagus first comes into season it is often given in the second course instead of in the first, in which case it is eaten as a separate dish. When handed with meat or poultry it should be eaten on the same plate containing either.

In eating asparagus, some elderly gentlemen still adhere to the fashion of their youth and hold the stalks in their fingers, but the younger generation cut off the points with a knife and fork.

Seakale also is given in the second course when first in season, and should be eaten with a knife and fork.

Mushrooms are also eaten with a knife and fork.

It need hardly be said that it would be a vulgarity to eat peas with a knife, although those who reside abroad, or who are in the habit of travelling on the continent, are not unaccustomed to seeing this done by foreigners who are well-bred men.

Artichokes are, it may be said, an awkward and untidy vegetable to eat; they are only given in the second course as a separate vegetable; the outside leaves should be removed with the knife and fork, and the inner leaves which surround the heart, or head of the artichoke should be conveyed to the mouth with the fingers and sucked dry; epicures consider this vegetable a dainty morsel; but at dinner-parties young ladies should not attempt to eat these artichokes.

Savouries, when possible, should be eaten with a fork, but occasionally a knife also is of imperative use.

As regards sweets, compôtes of fruit and fruit tarts should be eaten with a dessert-spoon and fork, as should those dishes where juice or syrup prevails to the extent of rendering a dessert-spoon necessary. But whenever it is possible to use a fork in preference to a spoon it is always better to do so.

Jellies, creams, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork.

As a matter of course, young ladies do not eat cheese at dinner-parties.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy,” 1918

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia