Grazing Table Etiquette

Do Cut Cheese Considerately: If the table includes whole cheeses or wedges, take a portion that leaves the remaining cheese inviting for the next guest. For example: Avoid removing only the pointed tip (or “the nose”) of a Brie wedge or scooping out its soft center while leaving everyone else the outer portion.

You came for a little cheese. Somehow, you’re balancing salami, grapes, crackers, three dips, and a brownie. Are we making a plate—or preparing for the next food shortage? I’m teasing! But when a beautiful spread offers a little of everything, knowing how to help yourself makes the experience more enjoyable for everyone. From bridal showers to backyard celebrations, grazing tables invite guests to sample, mingle, and return for another bite. Here’s how to enjoy the abundance with consideration.

Do Take a Manageable Portion

A grazing table invites you to explore. You don’t need to explore the entire menu on your first plate.

For example: Start with a few crackers, a little cheese, a couple of slices of meat, and some fruit. Leave enough room to eat comfortably without sending a grape rolling across the floor.

If repeat visits are welcome, return for another helping.

Don’t Take All of a Favorite Item

Those strawberries dipped in chocolate may be calling your name, but other guests heard them, too.

Take a reasonable share, especially when the selection is limited or guests are still waiting to serve themselves.

Generosity goes both ways: the host provides, and guests leave something for others.

Do Use the Serving Utensils

Use the tongs, spoons, cheese knives, or picks provided.

For example: Sliced meats are used with serving tongs. Spoon hummus onto your plate. Use the shared cheese knife to cut your portion, then leave it with the cheese.

Your personal fork should not make a guest appearance in the communal dip.

Don’t Double-Dip

Once you’ve bitten into a cracker, vegetable, or piece of bread, keep it out of the shared dip.

Instead: Spoon a little dip onto your plate and enjoy it from there.

The same principle applies to tasting with a serving spoon: shared utensils are for serving, not eating.

Do Cut Cheese Considerately

If the table includes whole cheeses or wedges, take a portion that leaves the remaining cheese inviting for the next guest.

For example: Avoid removing only the pointed tip (or “the nose”) of a Brie wedge or scooping out its soft center while leaving everyone else the outer portion.

If you’re unsure how to cut a particular cheese, ask the host. Curiosity is always welcome at a gracious table.

Don’t Assume Everything Is Finger Food

A grazing table can include foods that require different utensils.

A cheese-topped cracker may be easy to eat with your fingers. A salad, soft spread, or larger pastry may need a fork or knife.

For example: Use the provided spoon to transfer a small salad to your plate, then eat it with your own fork.

Let the food’s size, texture, and presentation guide you.

Do Give Others Room to Serve

Choose your food, then step away so the next guest can approach.

For example: If you’re catching up with a friend beside the cheese display, move the conversation a few steps away once you’ve served yourselves.

The grazing table is a gathering point, but it shouldn’t become a traffic jam.

Don’t Return Food from Your Plate

Once food has been transferred to your plate, keep it there.

If you change your mind about that piece of cheese, don’t put it back on the shared platter.

For another helping, use a fresh plate when available, particularly if your used plate could touch the serving utensils or shared food.

Do Keep Your Plate Comfortable to Eat From

Leave a little space between foods when it helps preserve their texture.

For example: Put dip beside your crackers rather than over them if you want them to stay crisp. Keep juicy fruit away from a delicate pastry.

You’re welcome to enjoy creative combinations. You simply don’t need every flavor in every bite.

And What About Paper Plates?

Yes, sturdy paper plates can be appropriate for a casual gathering.

The question is whether the plate can comfortably support the food being served.

For example: A small paper plate may work beautifully for cheese, crackers, and grapes. A heavier selection with salads and dips needs a stronger plate and suitable utensils.

Guests shouldn’t have to fold their plate like a taco to keep lunch from falling out.

A Few Do’s for the Host

Make the table easy to enjoy:

• Provide enough serving utensils. Give each dip its own spoon and each cheese a suitable knife.

• Keep plates and napkins within reach. Place them where guests can pick them up before serving.

• Identify foods clearly. Labels help guests recognize unfamiliar cheeses, meats, and ingredients.

• Explain the occasion. Let guests know whether the spread is a light appetizer or the main meal.

• Make room for eating. Offer somewhere to set down a drink or sit when the menu requires more than one free hand.

And if someone needs guidance, offer it quietly and kindly. Hospitality should make guests comfortable.

A Little of This, a Little Consideration

A beautiful grazing table offers choices. Good etiquette helps us enjoy those choices while remembering everyone else at the gathering.

Take a thoughtful portion, use the serving utensils, and leave the table welcoming for the next guest.

There’s plenty to appreciate without putting it all on one plate.

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

To Curtsey or Not for Visiting Royals

“The etiquette is simple. Guests must arrive at the time they are told to arrive. They must not mass around the  King and Queen.  They must not leave until the King and Queen have gone back to the White House. As for the curtsey problems: Britishers who know the  King and Queen  say they won't notice whether American women curtsey or not. It will be considered special courtesy if they curtsey; It will not be considered a discourtesy if they don't.”  — Public domain image of  King George VI

Washington Makes Ready for the Overseas Guests 

By Ruby A. Black (United Press Correspondent) 

WASHINGTON — Precedents are falling almost daily as plans progress for the visit of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth of England. The President and Mrs. Roosevelt are having them as house guests at the White House — the first time Monarchs have stayed in the White House. Then, the President and the First Lady are going to the railroad station to meet their guests, just as any other Americans meet the train when visitors come to see them. Ordinarily, the President and his lady wait at the White House, to receive visiting Royalty. And finally, the President and Mrs. Roosevelt are going out to dinner at the British embassy, ​​with the visiting Majesties as their hosts. 

If you are among the lucky thousands or so invited by their Majesties to the garden party at the British embassy, it would be a good idea not to go in for precedent breaking. Just leave that prerogative to the President and Mrs Roosevelt and the King and Queen. The etiquette is simple. Guests must arrive at the time they are told to arrive. They must not mass around the King and Queen. They must not leave until the King and Queen have gone back to the White House. As for the curtsey problems: Britishers who know the King and Queen say they won't notice whether American women curtsey or not. It will be considered special courtesy if they curtsey; It will not be considered a discourtesy if they don't. It is rather more than likely that most of the women will practice the little dip so they can act just as if they were accustomed to going to parties at Buckingham palace. 

Don't expect to see any crown jewell or ermine. There won't be any. Such jewels as the Queen wears will be simply personal jewels. There will be lots of chances to tee the rulers of the biggest empire on earth. First, there is the arrival of the royal party at Niagara Falls late on June 7. In Washington there will be repeated opportunities as their Majesties fill engagements in various parts of the city. Then there will follow the visit to New York City and the New York World's Fair, June 10, and a motor trip, along parkways, from New York City to the President's home at Hyde Park, N. Y., late on the afternoon of June 10. –San Bernardino Sun, April, 1939

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Handling Faux Pas in Public

The social circuit is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. There are names to remember, table manners to watch, dress codes to adhere to. Perhaps nowhere else in life are we under as much scrutiny as we are during social occasions. People can go a long way toward reducing awkward moments by remembering to “think of someone other than yourself,” says Letitia Baldrige, author of a '90s guide to manners.
— Image, Etiquipedia's private library

There's No Pas Like a Faux Pas in Society

A CEO wipes his mouth with a tablecloth. A community leader mistakes a man's second wife for the daughter of his first. A socialite backs into a pool.

These are some of the gaffes that have been played out on the Orange County social scene.

And no wonder, say the blunderers, since stepping out is what they love to do, sometimes as often as five times a week.

“I'm out so much, I'm bound to make mistakes,” says Thomas Penn Jones, CEO and president of Children's Hospital of Orange County. “I just try to laugh them off.”

Jones bemoaned his faux pas out loud at the Pacific Club in Newport Beach. After realizing he had wiped his mouth with a portion of the tablecloth, he told table-mates: “Why can't they make dinner napkins and tablecloths in different colors? This isn't the first time I've done this!”

Janice Johnson of Laguna Beach still blushes when she recalls “that luncheon.” She attended a fund-raising home tour and admired a lovely hostess--a young mother with two small children.

A week later, she was seated at a luncheon next to a mature woman whose married name was the same as the woman she had met earlier.

Striking up conversation, she said: “I met your lovely daughter and your two grandchildren last week

She quickly learned that the young woman was the new wife of her lunch partner's ex. Says a wiser Johnson: “Before you open your mouth, think!”

Vesta Curry of Laguna Beach recalls with embarrassment the luncheon where she took pictures of friends: “I was snapping away and backed right into the pool. Thank God it was the shallow end. I can’t swim!”

The social circuit is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. There are names to remember, table manners to watch, dress codes to adhere to. Perhaps nowhere else in life are we under as much scrutiny as we are during social occasions.

People can go a long way toward reducing awkward moments by remembering to “think of someone other than yourself,” says Letitia Baldrige, author of a '90s guide to manners.

Deferring to others is the foundation of social etiquette. One of the reasons you place your knife and fork together on your plate after a meal, for example, is to assist the waiter during his trek back to the kitchen.

But if you do blow it, Baldrige says, the best way to recover is to make a joke.

“Everyone else is dying, so you need to break the tension. Of course, you apologize if you ruin a tablecloth or break someone's prized Dresden centerpiece.

“But if it's a burp you couldn't help, you apologize, then say, 'It didn't exactly sound like the symphony orchestra, did it? I'll try to do better next time.' ”

Even an etiquette guru has red-faced moments. One of her worst, Baldrige recalls, was the night a couple arrived at her door for Sunday supper. She had forgotten she issued the invitation.

“There we were, my husband smoking a cigar, me in a nightgown, and the doorbell rings.”

She teased the guests about being so formally dressed, rushed into the kitchen, threw some frozen beef stew into a pot and drenched it with wine. “We made it through the evening. My husband thinks they were being polite, but I don't think they knew the difference.”

As chairwoman of dozens of Orange County social events, Catherine Thyen of Corona del Mar has seen her share of excruciating moments. The worst came at an awards banquet.

“As a woman walked up to receive an award, her slip fell to the floor. She stepped right out of it, left it in a little pool. She never went back to retrieve it. I was impressed by her grace.”

To survive the demands of the polite life, Thyen has developed her own list of do's and don'ts. “Do drink lots of water,” she advises. “It's a good way to avoid coated coffee tongue and champagne breath.

“Don't eat much, especially hors d'oeuvres. It can be very embarrassing to have someone come up to you when your mouth is full.”

And, do a run-through in new allure before attending a gala “Get the kinks out around the house. You need to rehearse sitting in a bustle or dancing in a strapless gown.”

When Mark Johnson of Tustin received an invitation to a private party with a dress code that read: “Black Tie, Fun” he was confused.

So he called upon a new friend, Tom Tucker of Irvine Cove, who told him it meant having fun with his penguin suit. “He told me to wear black tie and whatever else I wanted,” said Johnson, chairman of the Orange County Performing Arts Center.

Johnson didn't know his friend was a prankster, that the invitation really meant to wear a fun-looking black tie. So he wore Reeboks and Levi 501's with his tux.

“I arrive, feeling like I'm going to fit right in,” Johnson said. “And everyone is in form! I was embarrassed, but I had more fun than I've ever had when I was dressed like everyone else.”

Tucker, a center board member, remembers dressing for a black-tie gala and leaving his jacket at home. He was mortified when he walked into the event. “But after I had a glass of wine I decided it wasn't worth driving home for,” he said.

Becoming embarrassed in social situations is common for adults, says Linda Algazi, a Corona del Mar psychotherapist. “However, when it becomes excessive and uncomfortable, it becomes something in psychology we call social phobia.”

People with the condition experience anxiety symptoms, stomach problems, muscular tension and confusion. “It can develop into a full-blown panic attack,” she says. “We all worry about being appropriately dressed, saying something stupid. Only when it becomes excessive does it become a real phobia.”

Embarrassing moments happen to everyone, Baldrige believes. Forgetting someone's name is probably the most common cause of social humiliation. “If you're smart, you will own up to it and say something like, 'I can't even remember my mother's name.' ”

In her research, Baldrige has come upon dozens of interesting incidents. A favorite stands out: “It was at the White House during the Eisenhower era. A woman guest lost her panties while she stood at a party.

“You only had elastic around the waist in those days. She was horrified, and stepped out of them. A White House helps whisked them up and put them in his pocket.” —By Ann Conway, 1997

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Emily Post’s “Don’ts” for Tables

Crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad, and any one who wants “relishes” can have them in his own house (although they insult the cook!). — Above, a rare Knowles' gilded sterling cracker scoop with oyster crackers and a gilded oyster stew ladle.

Don'ts In Table Setting!

Don't put ribbon trimmings on your table. Satin bands and bows have no more place on a lady's table than have chop-house appurtenances. Pickle jars, catsup bottles, toothpicks and crackers are not private-house table ornaments. Crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad, and any one who wants "relishes" can have them in his own house (although they insult the cook!). At all events, pickles and tomato sauces and other cold meat condiments are never presented at the table in a bottle, but are put in glass dishes with small serving spoons. Nothing is ever served from the jar or bottle it comes in except certain kinds of cheese, Bar-le-Duc preserves (only sometimes) and wines. Pickles, jellies, jams, olives, are all put into small glass dishes.

Saucers for vegetables are contrary to all etiquette. The only extra plates ever permitted are the bread and butter plates which are put on at breakfast and lunch and supper above and to the left of the forks, but never at dinner. The crescent-shaped salad plate, made to fit at the side of the place plate, is rarely seen in fashionable houses. When two plates are made necessary by the serving of game or broiled chicken or squab, for which the plate should be very hot, at the same time as the salad which is cold, the crescent-shaped plate is convenient in that it takes little room.

A correct and very good serving dish for a family of two, is the vegetable dish that has a partition dividing it into two or even three divisions, so that a small quantity of two or three vegetables can be passed at the same time.

Napkin rings are unknown in fashionable houses outside of the nursery. But in large families where it is impossible to manage such a wash as three clean napkins a day entail, napkin rings are probably necessary. In most moderately run houses, a napkin that is unrumpled and spotless after a meal, is put aside and used again for breakfast; but to be given a napkin that is not perfectly clean is a horrid thought. Perhaps though, the necessity for napkin rings results in the achievement of the immaculate napkin—which is quite a nice thought. —Emily Post in “Etiquette,” 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on “Yesterday‘s Dinner Table”

“Loading a table to the maximum of its capacity with useless implements which only in rarest instances had the least value, would seem to prove that quantity without quality must have been thought evidence of elegance and generous hospitality! And the astounding part of the bad taste epidemic was that few if any escaped.”

The Dinner Table Of Yesterday

All of us old enough to remember the beginning of this century can bring to mind the typical (and most fashionable) dinner table of that time. Occasionally it was oblong or rectangular, but its favorite shape was round, and a thick white damask cloth hung to the floor on all sides. Often as not there was a large lace centerpiece, and in the middle of it was a floral mound of roses (like a funeral piece, exactly), usually red. The four compotiers were much scrolled and embossed, and the four candlesticks, also scrolled, but not to match, had shades of perforated silver over red silk linings, like those in restaurants today.  And there was a gas droplight thickly petticoated with fringed red silk. 

The plates were always heavily “jewelled” and hand painted, and enough forks and knives and spoons were arrayed at each “place” for a dozen courses. The glasses numbered at least six, and the entire table was laden with little dishes—and spoons! There were olives, radishes, celery and salted nuts in glass dishes; and about ten kinds of sugar-plums in ten different styles of ornate and bumpy silver dishes; and wherever a small space of tablecloth showed through, it was filled with either a big “Apostle” spoon or little Dutch ones criss-crossed.

Bread was always rolled in the napkin (and usually fell on the floor) and the oysters were occasionally found already placed on the table when the guests came in to dinner! Loading a table to the maximum of its capacity with useless implements which only in rarest instances had the least value, would seem to prove that quantity without quality must have been thought evidence of elegance and generous hospitality! And the astounding part of the bad taste epidemic was that few if any escaped. Even those who had inherited colonial silver and glass and china of consummate beauty, sent it dust-gathering to the attic and cluttered their tables with stuffy and spurious lumber.

But today the classic has come into its own again! As though recovering from an illness, good taste is again demanding severe beauty of form and line, and banishing everything that is useless or superfluous. During the last twenty years most of us have sent an army of lumpy dishes to the melting-pot, and junky ornaments to the ash heap along with plush table covers, upholstered mantel-boards and fern dishes! Today we are going almost to the extreme of bareness, and putting nothing on our tables not actually needed for use. —Emily Post in “Etiquette,” 1922

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette , is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on “The Dining Room”

Emily Post wrote, “If your house has a great Georgian dining-room, the table should be set with Georgian or an earlier  period English silver.” — Etiquipedia does not think Post meant this type of authentic Georgian silver with steel-tined forks nor steel-bladed knives, as shown above . 

The Dining-room

It is scarcely necessary to point out that the bigger and more ambitious the house, the more perfect its appointments must be. If your house has a great Georgian dining-room, the table should be set with Georgian or an earlier  period English silver. Furthermore, in a "great" dining-room, all the silver should be real! "Real" meaning nothing so trifling as "sterling," but genuine and important "period" pieces made by Eighteenth Century silversmiths, such as de Lamerie or Crespell or Buck or Robertson, or perhaps one of their predecessors. Or yes, like Mrs. Oldname, you live in an old Colonial house, you are perhaps also lucky enough to have inherited some genuine American pieces made by Daniel Rogers or Paul Revere! Or if you are an ardent admirer of Early Italian architecture and have built yourself a Fifteenth Century stone-floored and frescoed or tapestry-hung dining room, you must set your long refectory table with a "runner" of old hand-linen and altar embroidery, or perhaps Thirteenth Century damask and great cisterns or ewers and beakers in high-relief silver and gold; or in Callazzioli or majolica, with great bowls of fruit and church candlesticks of gilt, and even follow as far as is practicable the crude table implements of that time. It need not be pointed out that Twentieth Century appurtenances in a Thirteenth or Fifteenth Century room are anachronisms. But because the dining-table in the replica of a palace (whether English, Italian, Spanish or French) may be equipped with great "standing cups" and candelabra so heavy a man can scarcely lift one, it does not follow that all the rest of us who live in medium or small houses, should attempt anything of the sort. Nothing could be more out of proportion—and therefore in worse taste. Nor is it necessary, in order to have a table that is inviting, to set it with any of the completely exquisite things which all people of taste long for, but which are possessed (in quantity at least) only through wealth, inheritance, or "collector's luck." — From “Etiquette,” by Emily Post, 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Flirting

“Be advised there are flirtation props. although we seldom use them today. A lady walking past a gentleman who has caught her eye, might drop a lace handkerchief as she passes him, with hopes he will pick it up and run after her.”

Dear Anita Shower: Tell me about flirting. There must be etiquette involved with this favorite pastime. What's proper and what's not proper. —Signed: Need To Know

Dear “Need To Know”: May I tell you first of all, ‘flirting,’ according to the dictionary means: Being playfully romantic; something of little value or importance: speak or act in a playful or flirting way: (to) toy (with). This certainly gives us a place to start. How many people realize romance is attached to flirting, but as such, has little value?

In searching through my library of etiquette books, including books by The First Lady of Etiquette, Emily Post, there is no reference whatsoever to flirting. except in books written by Miss Manners. Judith Martin.

We have been a flirting society for years and years, as documented in novels, poems, art, and drama, yet no one wanted to broach the subject in any etiquette book until 1983. Miss Manners considers flirtation, "a gentle amusement," and is to be harmless and not lead to anything.

To keep flirting as proper as possible, it should be tastefully executed. This means if you are the one doing the flirting, you should have tact and realize flirting is done in small quantities, with consideration and good sense.

You should be aware of the individual preference of the person you are flirting with, because this is a coy game in which you “toy” with someone. It really isn't meant to hold much value or importance. but has no room for rudeness. If you are flirting, you are to be in normal, everyday, ordinary places because you wouldn't want others who are watching you to think, for one moment, you have lost your loyalty to your spouse, while you are going through these displays of meaningless antics towards another person.

Be advised there are flirtation props. although we seldom use them today. A lady walking past a gentleman who has caught her eye, might drop a lace handkerchief as she passes him, with hopes he will pick it up and run after her. 

 A gentleman on an aircraft, sitting next to a young lady, will glance quickly at the book she is reading so he may make conversation with her and in so doing, begin a flirtatious round of remarks.

A young man at a meeting notices a young lady's first name on her name tag and tells her name is his favorite girl's name. As you can see, things as well as remarks fall into the category of flirtation props.

Now we come to the problem of unwanted flirtatious manners. What's a person to do. If you do not want someone to flirt with you, which to some is the same as being courted, tell the person who is flirting with you that you are uncomfortable with the behavior and you would prefer if your relationship remains at a different level. Speak your mind if you are uncomfortable with remarks and gestures made towards you. Do so right away.

Honking your horn, or whistling at a young lady falls into the flirtation category, too. And we all know a young lady does not honk her horn at anyone, nor does she whistle at a man. In the same light, if a young lady is walking down the street and someone honks their horn at her or gives her a whistle, she simply holds her head high, puts her nose up in the air, and continues walking at her normal gait. — Sincerely, Anita Shower, who wrote a column as “Miss Etiquette”, 2000

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Late Guests

How to Handle Late Guests with Grace

Image Source: @shotsstudio via 123RF

Even the most perfectly planned gathering can't guarantee that everyone will arrive on time. Traffic, a last-minute call from the babysitter, a meeting that ran long, or simply a mix-up on the calendar can all lead to late guests. The good news? With a little preparation and a lot of kindness, you can keep the evening running smoothly and make sure everyone, including those who arrive a bit behind schedule, feels welcome.

A Little Planning Goes a Long Way

One of the easiest ways to avoid late guests is to make the timing clear from the start. When guests reply to your invitation, a friendly confirmation that includes the arrival time is a helpful reminder. Something as simple as, "We're so glad you can join us! Cocktails begin at 6:30, and we'll sit down to dinner at 7:00," sets a gentle expectation without feeling pushy.

A quick reminder a day or two before the event can also be appreciated, especially by busy friends juggling full schedules.

The Host Sets the Tone

As the host, you're the heart of the evening. Guests take their cues from you, so your warmth and calm go a long way toward creating a relaxed, happy atmosphere. Keeping the evening moving as planned is part of that role, and so is responding graciously when things don't go exactly as expected.

Of course, hospitality works both ways. Guests show their appreciation for an invitation by arriving on time and in good spirits, ready to enjoy the occasion.

When Late Guests Let You Know They're Running Behind

A thoughtful guest who is running late will usually call or text ahead. When that happens, a warm reply can put them at ease:

• Let them know it's perfectly fine to come right in when they arrive and join everyone at the table.
• Reassure them that you're looking forward to seeing them, and remind them not to worry and to drive safely.

A kind response like this relieves their stress and keeps the evening on track for everyone.

Keeping Dinner on Schedule

It can be tempting to hold dinner for late guests, but it's usually kinder to the whole group to carry on as planned. Here's why:

• Your on-time guests have made the effort to be punctual, and asking them to wait can leave them feeling that their time matters less.
• Whether you've cooked the meal yourself or had it catered, food is at its best when it's served on time. A long delay can leave dishes cold or past their prime.

There is one gracious exception: if the late guest is the guest of honor, it's perfectly appropriate to be a bit more flexible. After all, the celebration is for them!

Late Guests at a Restaurant

Dining out brings its own considerations. Many restaurants won't seat a party until most or all guests have arrived, and some hold reservations for only 15 minutes or so. A few thoughtful touches can help:

• Arrive early yourself. As the host, being there first lets you check in with the host stand and settle any questions about seating.
• Communicate with the restaurant. If you know someone will be late, let the staff know. They'll often seat your group and keep a place ready.
• Order drinks and appetizers. There's no need for the table to sit idle. Starting with beverages or a shared appetizer keeps the mood relaxed while you wait.
• Wait a reasonable time before ordering entrées. About 15 to 20 minutes is a comfortable guideline. After that, it's fine to go ahead so the rest of the table isn't kept waiting and the kitchen can keep its pace.
• Welcome the latecomer warmly. When they arrive, greet them with a smile, catch them up on the conversation, and help them get the server's attention so they can order.

And if you're the one running late to a restaurant? A quick message to the host, a sincere apology on arrival, and ordering promptly will be greatly appreciated.

Encourage On-Time Arrivals

Often, simply knowing the purpose of an event encourages guests to be punctual. A surprise party is a perfect example: the need for timing (and secrecy!) naturally inspires everyone to arrive early. Sharing the reason for your gathering, whether it's a birthday, a promotion, or a reunion with old friends, can give guests that same gentle nudge.

Welcome Late Guests with Kindness

Late guests rarely realize they've interrupted the flow of the evening. By inviting them to come straight to the table and smoothly guiding the conversation back on course, you help everyone feel comfortable, including the latecomer, who will surely appreciate your grace.

Above all, enjoy the gathering you've so thoughtfully planned. When the host is happy and at ease, everyone feels it, and that's what makes an evening truly memorable.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Points on Introduction Etiquette

The gentleman is always present presented to the lady, and when there is a wide difference in age, the younger lady to the older. It is sufficient simply to mention the two names, as “Mrs. Brown, Mr. Gray,” but rather more dignified and elegant to say, “Mrs. Brown, allow me to introduce (or “to present”) Mr. Gray.” 

 Introductions and Points of Etiquette What to Say When You Bring Persons Together

IN MAKING an introduction, the gentleman is always present presented to the lady, and when there is a wide difference in age, the younger lady to the older. It is sufficient simply to mention the two names, as "Mrs. Brown, Mr. Gray," but rather more dignified and elegant to say, "Mrs. Brown, allow me to introduce (or "to present") Mr. Gray." 

When people are introduced to each other, the most graceful thing to do is for each to make a slight bow and pronounce the other's name. It is perfectly good form, however, to say, "How do you do, Mr. Gray?" or "Mrs. Brown?" if one prefers to do so; but it is in reality rather meaningless, as naturally one cannot be greatly concerned about the health of a new acquaintance. Whenever I hear people do this on first being introduced, it always makes me think involuntarily of the story of the old Irishwoman who met a friend one day. "Good morning, Mrs. O'Brien," said she. "How do you do? Not that I care a darn, but just for the sake of conversation." 

Another conventional reply to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or "Delighted to meet you." This is used rather more by men than by women; but it is good form for either sex, A daughter or a son should always introduce young people to the mother or father by saying, "Mother, this is Miss Mary White," or "Father, let me introduce Mr. Smith."

Little points of etiquette are often more puzzling than the really important ones, for the simple reason that of us have thought a great deal about the former, and the latter have never occurred to us until we are confronted by the dilemma. 

Now, whether to rise or not after an introduction is, curiously enough, to a great many people just one of these puzzling little points. When a man is presented to her a lady always bows and remains seated. But when the introduction is made between two ladies. should the one who is sitting down rise to acknowledge it? is the question that is continually cropping up in one form or another. 

On the face of it, to rise immediately would be an awkward thing to do, unless the lady were very old and one wished to show extreme respect. So, in the ordinary form of introduction between two ladies, it would not be necessary for the one who is sitting down to rise unless they entered into conversation, when to rise, if the other lady remained standing, would be imperative.

A hostess always makes a point of rising to receive all visitors as they arrive, unless she is a very elderly lady, and she naturally rises when they approach her to take their leave.

Sometimes at an afternoon tea or "at home," when the hostess happens to be talking to one visitor when another enters the room, the first visitor is in doubt as to whether she should rise on this occasion or remain seated, and often she half rises from her seat, thinks the better of it and reseats herself, all the time rather uncertain whether or not she has done the right thing. 

Now, the best form prescribes that if the last comer is a stranger to her she should take no notice of her approach and should neither rise nor attempt to do so; but if she knows the newcomer, after the hostess has shaken hands and said a few words she should rise and come forward to do likewise.— By Eleanor B. Clapp, 1905

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1990’s Evolving British Manners

Author Drusilla Beyfus’s book “Modern Manners; the essential guide to living in the 90s” is “a mixture of common sense and understanding of other people’s sensibilities, an attitude which helps make everyday life a more agreeable and urbane “Strict etiquette would decree that men open doors for women, period, but at the workplace hierarchy is likely to change the rules. If opening a door can be done without too obviously drawing attention to a woman, it would be polite to make a gesture.”

The British Got a New Guide to Modern Manners in 1992

Should modern man still open the door for today’s liberated lady? What is the polite way of establishing your new partner’s sexual health? And how does one tackle the age-old dilemma of eating peas gracefully?

Help is at hand. From the nation ever conscious of the rules of etiquette, where social class is still betrayed by calling the lavatory the toilet, comes a new British guide to modern manners.

But its 350 pages of advice encompassing behavior in the presence of royalty, writing love letters and how to cope with “unpleasant bodily functions” are not meant to be a set of intimidating rules.

Rather, the publishers say, author Drusilla Beyfus’s book “Modern Manners; the essential guide to living in the 90s” is “a mixture of common sense and understanding of other people’s sensibilities, an attitude which helps make everyday life a more agreeable and urbane experience.”

So, using portable telephones in restaurants gets a firm thumbs down, eating or drinking in the street is deemed offensive, and replying to business invitations by fax machine is considered “a touch casual.”

But how about the English gentleman who may be confused by conflicting signals on the battlefield of sexual equality? Beyfus offers this guidance: “Strict etiquette would decree that men open doors for women, period, but at the workplace hierarchy is likely to change the rules. If opening a door can be done without too obviously drawing attention to a woman, it would be polite to make a gesture.”

It is certainly acceptable for a woman to ask a man for a date but if she wants to pay, she should only do so discreetly.

Women should give up their seats on trains or buses to “frail males” and likewise a “stalwart male should be prepared to move over and give his seat to another of his sex, perhaps laden with babies and baggage.”

On table manners Beyfus, former editor of Vogue magazine, says the British are world leaders “with their emphasis on order, restraint and grace.” Her tips:

* Never start eating at a dinner party before all the guests are served, whatever the pressure.

* Corn on the cob is “a messy business” and is not recommended.

* Peas are “the very devil to eat elegantly,” she says. “You may spear a few on the prongs of the fork or press some on to the back of a fork using a knife as a pusher. Using the fork as a cradle for the pusher is considered unmannerly.”

The royal section, vetted by Buckingham Palace, warns women never to overdo a curtsy and says men should bow from the neck rather than make a sweeping gesture. At a time when Britain’s 1,000-year-old monarchy is rubbing shoulders increasingly with commoners, there is reassurance for anyone playing host to a Queen or Prince.

In class-conscious Britain, it has been said, good manners can amount to making people of lower class feel ill at ease. Beyfus counters that class distinctions are fast breaking down. Social mobility and the get-rich-quick 1980s have made many of the old standards of behavior disappear forever.

But in her ideal world, good manners are exemplified by the traditional reserve of the British, who have a reputation for not losing their temper, who sacrifice plain speaking to diplomacy and for whom politeness in affairs of the heart is the better part of passion.

The delicate issue of lovemaking in an age of AIDS should be tackled tactfully but without flinching. “Nor should a lover feel offended if asked to use a contraceptive or give an account of their sexual health. Women carry condoms out of common sense.”

Still on physical etiquette, Beyfus notes that “oddly enough stomach rumbles are usually passed over in silence.”

“If a person suspects they are going to fart, their best move is to try to step away from the group,” writes Beyfus. — By Jill Searjent, Reuters, London 1992

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Gents vs Parlor Snakes… More

“If you meet a lady acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless you are very intimate. The reasons are first, she is the superior; if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you—you as a gentleman cannot cut her.’’

Fundamentals Remain the Same, But Strange Modifications Take Place in So-called Polite Behavior

Funny thing, etiquette! Some ways it changes most remarkably from generation; in other respects it remains the same down through the ages. From which one gathers that those points that remain ever the same contain some germ of the universal, while those that change with the seasons have to do with mere fashion. Which observations are stimulated by opening the covers of a little manual, dated 1848, and entitled “Etiquette for Gentlemen.” 

Back in 1848 you could tell a “gentleman” from a mere person. Now-a-days it isn’t so easy. The ante-bellum parlor snake, according to the picture on the cover of the little book, wore highwaisted trousers, with gaiter straps under his boots, a claw-hammer coat, an elaborate neckerchief and a shiny high beaver hat. One of the striking features of the little book, according to these free and easy times, is the chivalric deference assumed toward women. ’Tis said these courtesies were protective coloring for an Oriental attitude toward women, and upon the other hand, this view of the matter has been scouted by many. 

However, the little book says: “If you meet a lady acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless you are very intimate. The reasons are first, she is the superior; if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you—you as a gentleman cannot cut her.’’ And again, in re introductions, “The inferior should always be introduced to the superior; the gentleman to the lady.’’ 

In the Ball Room 

Here is a little sentiment that might go well at dances of the present day. Almost any girl will tell you so. “If a lady should excuse herself from dancing when you have asked her, and you should immediately afterward see her dancing with another, do not take any unpleasant notice of it; the probability is that she preferred and expected to dance with someone better known and more highly favored, and not that she had any objection to you!’’ The present day youth gives the poor girl a “nasty look” upon similar occasions and ever afterward refuses to dance with the offending damsel. She has taken unwarranted liberty with the lordly male. 

Another quaint bit of instruction in ball room deportment is this: “If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; lightly touch it with the open palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression, not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.” Times have certainly changed! Here is a style that many of the more juvenile hostesses have found sadly out of date with the lads: “If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it, unless for the most unavoidable reasons.” 

The Music Room 

“If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once accede.” “When a lady is going to the piano, if near her, rise and give her your arm; if you can read music, turn over the leaves for her at the proper time.’’  This valuable little hand book belonged to John M. French of Keokuk, Iowa., grandfather of E. A. French of the National Bank of Riverside. — Riverside Daily Press, 1922

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia