Etiquette of Toasting Brides

Suggested bridal toasts include: ‘‘As unto the bow the cord is, so unto the man is woman. Though she draws him, yet she follows: unless each without the I other.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. —From the late 1950’s to early 1960’s, “Babycham was the first drink a woman could order in a bar without feeling a tart or a crone,” writes rock biographer Philip Norman. 

Toasting the Bride is Traditional

NEW YORK (UPI) — The first occasion for toasting the bride and bridegroom is at the engagement announcement party. Traditionally, say etiquette experts, it is the custom for the father of the bride to offer the toast, followed by a toast from the father of the bridegroom. 

The second important toasting occasion is at the bachelor dinner party given by the bridegroom for his ushers, best man and close friends. After the bridegroom offers a toast to his bride, the stems of the glasses are broken so they may never be used for a “less honorable purpose.” 

The next toasting comes the night before the wedding. At the rehearsal dinner, it is traditional for the father of the bride to make the first of the many toasts which are offered. The final toasting takes place at the couple’s wedding reception. 

Suggested bridal toasts include: ‘‘As unto the bow the cord is, so unto the man is woman. Though she draws him, yet she follows: unless each without the I other.”—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. 

“Let the bells ring for you; let the angels sing for you. Let the children dance for you and let us drink to you.”—Anonymous 

— From the Desert Sun, 1962

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Petra Carsetti’s 10 Commandments of Italian Dinner Party Etiquette

Use utensils correctly: Remember that pasta is not skewered but is lifted with a fork and then brought to the mouth. 

1. Be a good host or hostess: The most important rule is to be welcoming and empathetic. People will remember much more feeling of a beautiful evening spent, than the correct position of the cutlery. 
2. Listen to your table guests: As a good host or hostess, try to steer the conversation so that everyone feels like part of the discussion. Banned topics at the table are health, disease, politics, sports, death. Better to talk about topics that unite and do not divide like time, a journey, a good book, a film, an exhibition ... 
3. Pass to the right: Be ready to pour water and wine, or to pass  dishes to those who sit next to us. Usually it should be the man who does this first, with the woman sitting on his right. 
4. Keep the table clutter free: Mobile phones should not be placed upon, or at the table. (This currently applies to covid masks as well) Mobile phones should be silenced and placed in pockets or handbags. If you receive a call (on silent ringtone) try to answer only for emergencies and do so quietly with minimal disruption at the table. The other guests do not need to hear the whole conversation. 
5. Use good manners: Eat without calling attention to yourself. One should develop good habits like chewing with the mouth closed and not “talking to the bite,” (speaking all the way until another bite of food goes into your mouth,) or playing/gesticulating with the cutlery. 
6. Dine without fuss: Do not blow on hot dishes, but wait a few seconds for them to cool. 
7. Practice good posture: To eat, do not bring your head and mouth toward the plate but bring your food to your mouth, while keeping your posture erect.
8. Don’t rock out: Do not rock back and forth in the chair, but sit composed. Your wrists and hands should be visible on the table, but never your elbows.
9. Use utensils correctly: Remember that pasta is not skewered but is lifted with a fork and then brought to the mouth. 
10. Toast elegantly: Keep your glass rim clean if you are going to make a toast. Use your napkin to dab your mouth, before and after drinking if necessary. Do not clink glasses and please do not say “cin cin.” You can make a more thoughtful toast with your own words and looking in the eyes of the people with whom you are toasting.

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, and in September she will come out with her new book, “GalaTime: it is always time for good manners”!

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “Your Health”

 

When the then Duke of Buccleuch, dining at the table of the Lord Advocate (Charles Hope) drank a glass of sherry without the conventional preliminary address, the act was for years after pointed to as an instance of ducal contempt. 
–Public domain image of the Lord Advocate, Charles Hope

Without “Your Health”

To take a glass of wine during dinner without previously dedicating it to the health of someone, was a breach of etiquette that few would care to be found guilty of, and anyone so offending would have been thought either eccentric or exclusive. 

In 1803, when the then Duke of Buccleuch, dining at the table of the Lord Advocate (Charles Hope) drank a glass of sherry without the conventional preliminary address, the act was for years after pointed to as an instance of ducal contempt.–From the French, “History of Toasting”. – The New York Times, August, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Famous Toasting Faux Pas

“To take a glass of wine during dinner without previously dedicating it to the health of someone was a breach of etiquette that few would care to be found guilty of...” — 

Above, Charles Montagu-Scott, 4th Duke of Buccleuch 

— Public domain image

Without “Your Health”

To take a glass of wine during dinner, without previously dedicating it to the health of someone, was a breach of etiquette that few would care to be found guilty of, and anyone so offending would have been thought either eccentric or exclusive. In 1803, when the then Duke of Buccleuch, dining at the table of the Lord Advocate (Charles Hope) drank a glass of sherry without the conventional preliminary address, the act was for years after pointed to as an instance of deucal contempt. — History of Toasting, French, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Toasting Origins and Etiquette

The clinking of glasses also has some history. Judith Martin’s “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” states that the purpose of the custom supposedly was to have one person’s wine spilled into the glass of another, ensuring that no one (or everyone) would be poisoned. The clinking sound was also believed to drive away spirits.

Here’s to Deft Toasts!

Paying tribute with a raised glass is more than tipsy patter. It should be treated as a mini-speech. An article in the June, 1990, issue of The Toastmaster magazine states that the term toast came from the 17th-Century practice of adding croutons to alcoholic beverages to absorb impurities. Drinking to one’s heath or happiness soon became known as a “toast.” The olive in the cocktail is said to be the contemporary replacement for toast in the alcohol. 

The clinking of glasses also has some history. Judith Martin’s “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” states that the purpose of the custom supposedly was to have one person’s wine spilled into the glass of another, ensuring that no one (or everyone) would be poisoned. The clinking sound was also believed to drive away spirits.

Rules of proper toasting have been written up in scores of etiquette manuals. For those who want to do it right, these books are a good place to start. Some basic rules for toasting come from Letitia Baldridge’s “Complete Guide to a Great Social Life” and “Complete Guide to Executive Manners”:

• A toast should be light and short— one to three minutes. 
• All guests should have wine or champagne or another drink in their glasses before the toast is proposed. 
• If you get caught without liquid in your glass, raise the glass and pretend to drink anyway. 
• Hosts have the prerogative of making the first toast. 
• Don’t offer a toast if you’re tipsy. 
• If you’re making a toast, rise in your place. To get the group’s attention, ask others to help you quiet the room or tap on a glass for silence. 
• Don’t toast yourself or drink after someone offers a toast to you. 

To get expert opinion on delivering a toast, the masters were consulted—Toastmasters, that is, the international organization devoted to public speaking. Several Toastmaster members said their club name is somewhat of a misnomer, considering that the subject of toasting is rarely covered in their sessions. Yet since Toastmaster meetings require extemporaneous as well as prepared speaking, some members had thoughts on preparing for and delivering toasts. One member of Toastmasters in Canoga Park, said a few sessions of Toastmasters would help. “We offer a supportive atmosphere for people who want to overcome their fear of speaking in public.” If someone specifically wanted to concentrate on toasts, the sessions would offer critiques.

• A toast should be treated as a mini-speech. It should have an introduction, a solid, meaty middle and a clear closing. 
• A toast time is not a roast time. It is an expression of goodwill and appreciation for a person or an occasion. 
• An informal toast at a small gathering or between friends should be less rehearsed and more spontaneous. 
• For an informal toast, just get an idea of what you want to say beforehand and go with it. The more rehearsed it is, the more rehearsed it sounds. 
• For semiformal or formal occasions, more preparation is necessary. Have some kind of notes to refer to, so that you’re not stumbling your way through your toast

— By Rebecca Howard, Special to the Times, 1993 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Toasting Etiquette and History

In Shakespeare’s time, a piece of toasted bread was put in the tankard before ale or wine was poured in, to improve the taste and to collect sediment and impurities at the bottom of the vessel. Thus, the drink became known as “a toast.” By the Edwardian era, there were a number of little details of table etiquette which were observed, the most noticeable of which was that finger glasses (or finger bowls) were never placed upon the table if a member of the royal family was present. The reason for this goes back to the Jacobite days, when the toast of the King was converted into treason by the passing of the glass “over the water.”

Drink a Toast

This civilized custom of “drinking a toast” to the good health of a friend began in ancient times, but the terminology came later. In Shakespeare’s time, a piece of toasted bread was put in the tankard before ale or wine was poured in, to improve the taste and to collect sediment and impurities at the bottom of the vessel. Thus, the drink became known as “a toast.”

Toast of the Town

The “toast of the town” is someone whose great popularity causes many to “drink his health.” The usual custom in olden days, was to pour a little of the wine into the host’s glass and some into the guest’s, before either drank. Few trusted anyone outside the family circle and this was the only way to be sure the no one had poisoned the drink. Later, the ceremonial clinking of glasses was accompanied with the spoken wish, ‘To your good health.’ — Sources: A variety of authors including Patricia Easterbrook Roberts and Judith Visser

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Origins of Toasting

Many and various were the quaint customs associated with the toasts of those days. For example, in certain companies of military officers etiquette demanded that the cup should be passed from hand to hand.

How Toasts Originated

The custom of drinking the health of the most popular man at the table has its foundation in the ancient practice originated by the Greeks and adopted by the Romans of drinking to the gods and the dead, observes an exchange. 

The Greeks and Romans later began the practice of drinking to each other, and from this arose the custom of toasting living men. But health drinking in its modern form, originating in England in the roistering days of Charles II, begins with the custom of drinking to the ladies or to any woman who happened to be the reigning belle of the Court. 

Many and various were the quaint customs associated with the toasts of those days. For example, in certain companies of military officers etiquette demanded that the cup should be passed from hand to hand. In many midnight gatherings of Alsatia, gallants stabbed themselves in order to drink with their blood the health of the woman on whom their hearts were set. —Kansas City Journal, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia