Retro Etiquette of the Sexes

 When a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. Begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.

Social Etiquette:

The Differing Courtesies That Marked Good Breeding in Man and in Woman, from 1891

 "Are girls as well bred as boys?" Yes— and no! says Marion Harland in answering this question in The Weekly. Their training lies along different lines. One thing must always be considered —namely, that a woman's part is in many points of etiquette, passive. It is the man who takes the initiative, and who is made such a prominent figure that all eyes are drawn to him. Have you ever noticed it? Man proposes, woman accepts. Man stands, woman remains seated. Man lifts his hat, woman merely bows. Man acts as escort, woman as the escorted. So when a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. For this reason, begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.


I often wish there were any one point in which a woman could show her genuine ladyhood as a man displays his gentlehood by the management of his hat—raising it entirely from the head on meeting a woman, lifting it when the lady with whom he is walking bows to an acquaintance, or, when his man companion greets a friend, baring his head on meeting, parting from or kissing mother, sister or wife. These, with other points, such as rising when a woman enters the room and remaining standing until she is seated, giving her the precedence in passing in or out of a door and picking up the handkerchief or glove she lets fall—are sure indices of the gentleman, or by their absence, mark the boor.

But our girl should not think that she can afford to overlook the acts of tactful courtesy which are her duty, as well as her brother's. Her temptation is often to exercise a patronizing toleration toward her elders, aud while she is not actually disrespectful, she still has the air of a very superior young being, holding converse with a person who has the advantage merely in the accident of years. Another of our girl's mistakes is that of imagining that brusqueness and pertness are wit. There is no other error more common with girls from fifteen to eighteen, and they generally choose a boy as the butt of their sarcastic remarks—and, to their shame, be it said, they frequently select a lad who is too courteous to retort in kind. — From "The Weekly" as reported in the Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Wealth in Parenting

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child...

Etiquette — A Rich Heritage Which the Poorest May Give Their Children

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child. You may not be able to send your boy to Harvard nor your girl to dancing school. They will never upbraid you for that. But bring them through childhood surrounded by and solely taught coarse, common, slovenly ways of speech and behavior, and no matter how devoted and unselfish you have otherwise tried to be, as surely as they live will they see the day when your memory is stung by the bitterest reproaches. 

Start them in the world with faultless manners, and though they have no other inheritance they are immeasurably far from poor in the world’s most cherished coin. Money does not rule everywhere. Does some busy, tired mother or careworn father cry out, “How shall I study all the intricacies of etiquette to teach them again!” I reply: There are a dozen broad rules that are sufficient to pass muster. The rest are very good to know, and not absolutely necessary. 

I set down some of them here, with this excuse, that I see them constantly violated by bright, gentle little people who would be glad to "act pretty," if, poor, small souls they had the faintest stimulus of example or even precept to guide them. Teach a boy never to wear his hat in the  house, nor while standing before a woman; to allow a woman always to precede him, even (as latest advices say) in ascending stairs; to be quick to open doors for her, to carry her parcels, to wait upon her and never to sit while she is standing. 

Teach both hoys and girls good table manners. Make them wait by their chairs till their elders are seated; eat noiselessly; not fidget nor talk with full mouths, nor upon unappetizing subjects; not leave knife and fork trailing off the plate, but always laid side by side, never crossed upon it, every second that they are not in use; not to soak and sop their food; not to bite off bits from a slice: to half fold the napkin when it is not to be used again; not to reach: to be courteous in thanks and requests; to push the chair against the table after the meal. 

Teach them always to knock at a closed door: not to call from one room to another; not to slouch in their seats, nor, if in a rocking chair, to rock. With speech there are more than a dozen ‘don'ts.’ They certainly are vulgar who use "havin’’ and "doin,” and “run” for "ran” and "come” for "came;” who are not early taught to abstain from subjects and words—all proper enough in their place—that are not agreeable to the most sensitive ear.

A child almost surely learns from the beginning to wash his hands often; not to take bones in his fingers nor to drink from his saucer; to take off his hat when be meets a lady (but it should include even little girls) and to use “done” and "seen” in in their proper places. I wish some elders were not content with this very slim outfit of polite baggage when as much more would be as easily taught. "Some day the child will wish so, too." says the writer in Good Housekeeping, from whom we quote.—Red Bluff Daily News, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boys and Girls

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness.

Wise Etiquette Advice for 

Victorian Era Boys and Girls

Nothing can be a greater mark of ill-manners than to remain sitting while your elder is standing before you talking to you. Rise and offer your seat or another at once, and never lounge on the sofa or take the easiest chair, while there are those in the room whose age gives them a better claim to them. 

And always be polite, respectful and modest in your demeanor to everyone, especially to your superiors, remembering also that there is nothing more disgusting than to see young people assume an air of self-importance and disrespect towards anyone. 

Never stare people in the face. If you are talking with anyone, it is proper to look at them— eye to eye—with a cheerful, dignified assurance; but to stare at anyone, as though you saw something peculiar about him, is exceedingly rude and impolite. 

Do not cultivate clownish or monkeyish manners. We have seen rude boys and even girls, who seemed to take pride in antic gestures, foolish jesting, buffoonery or what is styled "drollery," and who took great delight in using odd expressions, thinking that it made them appear interesting to the lookers on. Such behavior may excite the laughter of the foolish, as the wise men tell us: "For the mouths of fools feedith on foolishness," But every sensible person regards such conduct with disgust and abhorence. And every youth who acts the buffoon lowers himself in the opinion of those with whom he desires to stand high. 

Be gentle and quiet in your movements. If you are a young man just commencing a business career, good manners will be indispensable to your success. Appear to feel an interest in your work; let your eyes light up at every command, and let your feet be nimble to perform it. There are boys who look so dull and heavy, and walk so slowly, and appear so lazy, that no business man will employ them. Be energetic, prompt, industrious, and careful. Attend to your business in a quiet polite manner; equally removed from familiarity and haughtiness. 

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness. And if our young friends would only remember what Lear said while hanging over Cordelia's dead body, it would help them to put far from them loud and boisterous manners: "Her voice was ever sweet, Gentle and low, an excellent thing in woman." — From The California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia