Etiquette Training – Early is Best

Good manners are but the expressions of a nature controlled... The rules of good breeding cannot be learned late in life, politeness cannot be assumed when one enters society at a given age. Training in good manners must be begun when the baby first learns to speak and continued through the years, for politeness is not always innate and spontaneous.

“Facts on Etiquette”

“Etiquette is not a body of formulas for the use of adults only; the rules of good breeding cannot be learned late in life, politeness cannot be assumed when one enters society at a given age. Training in good manners must be begun when the baby first learns to speak and continued through the years, for politeness is not always innate and spontaneous. The child does not know that all life is made smoother and simpler and sweeter by good behavior, and so this precept and its practice must be early inculcated. This constant rubbing off of rough comers produces a polish that makes it possible for the child to grow into the adult without awkwardness. Good manners are but the expressions of a nature controlled. They may be artificial, but anything is better than bad manners.” – The Weekly Calistogan, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Plea for Elementary Etiquette

The teacher who adopts the rule of saying with a smile, “Thank you,” will be more cheerfully obeyed, and we all know that we comply more cheerfully when asked “Will you kindly do so and so?” than when we are commanded “to do so and so.”

In all of the ultra-fashioned schools girls particularly are taken through a regular course of etiquette, to fit them for the social world, and why not the children less fortunate who have no advantages of home training. A woman of refinement teaching a public school must often feel revolted at the manners of the little people who are so easily corrected when approached in the proper spirit, and it would seem less unpleasant to reform these tender sprigs than to train the hardened shoots of later years. A teacher who meets the children confided to her with a pleasant “Good morning” fosters a habit that a child will never outgrow. The teacher who adopts the rule of saying with a smile, “Thank you,” will be more cheerfully obeyed, and we all know that we comply more cheerfully when asked “Will you kindly do so and so?” than when we are commanded “to do so and so.” No one is ever the loser through extending courtesy, and we all know how much pleasure these trifles add to life. The politeness clauses should embrace a series of “talks,” or as the Italians say “conversaziones,” in which various topics should be discussed. 

An amiable teacher with a well developed vein of humor would find such classes a pleasant relaxation, but she should cultivate the tact that steers clear of both ridicule and sarcasm. A sensitive child, who felt its lack of polish, would be deeply hurt by ridicule in the presence of a whole school, but this self same sensitive young one would be the quickest to profit by such lessons. In this splendid country of ours, where fortunes are made in a day and the sons of laborers have an equal chance, through brains and, ability, of rising to the very highest positions in the gift of the people, where the daughters, through beauty of person or that indefinable charm of grace, may wed millionaires, the necessity of this species of training is obvious. Many of these children know nothing of the graceful amenities of life, which they are so anxious to learn. They are ambitious and self-reliant, as all American children are, and yet are hampered by the total ignorance of the merest rudiments of social ethics. In Washington, those having the interests of the rising generation at heart, cannot fail to appreciate the value of a course of “polite lessons” in the schools. – San Francisco Call, 1903

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Parties Can Help Teach Manners

Party experiences lead to habits, attitudes, and knowledge. But the kind and influence of the experiences depends a lot upon the adults behind the scenes. There are the little decencies and etiquette of behavior. To feel at ease at mixed social affairs is a blessing, many times in life. The party offers the chance to give that feeling to children at an early age. 

Your Child’s Manners and School Parties 

In large sections of the country, February is the “party month.” It is because many states observe Washington's birthday and Lincoln’s birthday, and always there is St. Valentine’s Day. I like to think of them educationally, for they do represent opportunities. In the first place, the party itself is an educative situation, since after all education is the acquisition of experiences. In turn, party experiences lead to habits, attitudes, and knowledge. But the kind and influence of the experiences depends a lot upon the adults behind the scenes. There are the little decencies and etiquette of behavior. To feel at ease at mixed social affairs is a blessing. Many times in life, the party offers the chance to give that feeling to children at an early age. 

Through games and stunts, we can help build an attitude toward sportsmanship. We can make fun the primary object of playing. If we’re very wise, we can do more for the self-conscious, shy, retiring child than by any other means at our disposal. The “eats” are always important, of course. While we shouldn’t talk health diets at parties, we can discover attractive and tasty combinations of fruits, custards, ice cream, and cakes. For beverages, fruit punches and iced chocolate milk drinks can’t be beat. A pure sweet at the end is never objectionable. Finally, we can, as sponsors, observe the bedtime rule in the case of evening parties. – Dr. Allen G. Ireland, Director of Physical and Health Education, New Jersey State Department of Public Institutions, 1935

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Pre-Schoolers

Little children have no appreciation of social usage. Indeed they have no use for it whatever, as yet they have a long way to go into their social development, before parents can expect them to defer to another child simply because he happens to be a guest. Lessons in fair dealings come first; etiquette can wait until the child is ready for it.

Your Child

By Jane Coward

When little Judy, who was visiting, decided that she wanted the toy with which three-year-old Allen was playing. Allen’s mother called him aside and whispered that he was the host and must let his guest have whatever she wanted. Just as any other normal youngster would have done under the circumstances, Allen refused. Then, after some pleading on mother's part, he reluctantly handed his toy over to his little friend, but promptly slapped her. It so happens that the toy in question was Allen’s favorite. But even if it weren’t a favorite plaything, a toy always seems more desirable to a youngster when another covets it. This always makes him feel proud of his ownership. And it won’t do any good to criticize the sudden change by saying, “You never cared for the toy before!” He cares for it now, and that will be enough to make him feel and behave with possessiveness where it is concerned. 

At no time should parents insist upon drawing room decorum for pre-school-age youngsters toward their little guests. Little children have no appreciation of social usage. Indeed they have no use for it whatever, as yet they have a long way to go into their social development, before parents can expect them to defer to another child simply because he happens to be a guest. First, they must learn to get along with little people. For this they have to learn respect for property, to take turns, to share things. Disagreements like the one described above between Allen and Judy are bound to arise wherever youngsters meet, whether at the playground, in nursery school or at each other’s homes. And the person in charge must be prepared to deal with them on a basis of equality. Judy, for example, might have been urged to offer a toy to Allen in exchange for the one which he was using. No matter that he was her host. It takes years for children to learn give and take, and training has to be pursued diligently as opportunities arise. Lessons in fair dealings come first; etiquette can wait until the child is ready for it. – Madera Tribune, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Mother’s Ingenuity

Mom sees a need for table etiquette lessons, and fills the need herself, in a very creative way... 

Teaching table manners to the children was once a common sight in homes throughout the world.

Children’s Table Manners

“After a long illness in the hospital I returned home to find that my children's table manners had suffered a complete demoralization. They ‘gobbled,’ used knife and fork indiscriminately and always awkwardly, regarded their spoons as shovels and, in short, were perfect little savages. 

“In order to remedy this quickly I started a series of ‘company luncheons,’ at which I was the hostess and the children the guests. I set the table as prettily as possible and made funny little place cards. The children played up delightedly, took grown-up names and even washed their hands without a murmur.

Teaching children in Canada, 1898

“We made a set of simple rules: The guests who behaved perfectly received three pieces of candy, the guests who made only one mistake received one piece of candy, while any unfortunate guest who committed three breaches of table etiquette received no candy at all. 

“Questions on table manners were in order at any time, to be answered by the hostess. I chose dishes for these luncheons which are not always easy to eat elegantly, and I was very happy to see how quickly the children improved in table manners and other manners as well, for our ‘company luncheons’ seemed to help genial courtesy quite wonderfully. 

“The best of it was that there was no nagging nor cross words. It was all good fun, and my four youngsters can now go anywhere and eat anything, and mother has the proud consciousness that they will always appear to good advantage.” – Contributed to the Los Angeles Herald by J. Appleton, June, 1910

This 1950 "training implement for infants" had a "swivel" feature that I am sure kept toddlers entertained, but probably did little to teach the child to move the spoon in the swivel motion himself, or herself.


🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teaching Children Table Manners ~ The Art, Science and Tools

On children learning table manners ~"Every human being without exception must pass through this rite of passage, being forbidden the motherly breast or the bottle and taught to eat solid food. The child must learn for most of its mealtimes to give up sucking, the skill with which it was born.  The area inside the cheeks of small children is well provided with taste buds, which adults' cheeks are not; babies taste not only with their tongues but with their cheeks. This is thought to be why they like packing their mouths with food. They must be made to take less at a time." Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

Art and Ingenuity
Teaching children etiquette is an art, but it is also a science. Ingenuity and creativity are needed to get children to learn table manners. Repetition of what they have been taught is also needed. Take for example these patented items below. They are for teaching children how to eat properly and were designed to instill good table manners. The patents exhibit the 19th and early 20th century historical standpoints of attempting to not only design, but to teach. And all of the rules being taught, still matter today.

These 2 forks above, one hand-crafted in the late 1800s and the other patented in July of 1900, were specifically designed to teach a child how to eat properly. You may be thinking, "Those are simply 'youth-sized' forks." And they are youth sized forks, but looking on the back sides of them, they reveal another story...

I have lightened the photo up a bit, so that you can see fork one reads, "For the Left Hand". The lower fork has a "finger guide" for a child to place his or her finger into, though the artist at the time, drew the illustration with the wrong hand using the fork.  At the time, artists for this type of work were not well paid and were generally from a lower social strata. It is quite possible that the artist drawing this particular graphic did not know how to use a fork properly.  Regardless, the advertisement went into Munsey's Magazine, etiquette flaw and all.

A "child training fork" properly used in the left hand.

Above ~ Eliza is showing the correct hands for using the knife and fork, while still practicing her technique. An interesting tidbit on etiquette and children: Sixteenth-century rules of etiquette were that children leave the table before the end of dinner, take their place settings with them, and take the chairs with them as well.   

The 1932 patented plate, shown below, was designed with a variety of children depicted and added to the plate, after it was made. All have large indentations that are marked as to where a child's fork and spoon would go. The patent itself is more than just vague on what the indentations on either side are for, as I am certain that many inventors and designers did not want to give others any new ideas.

This patent's description for a metal attachment to plates, from 1900, is much more clear on how it is to help children learn to eat with utensils: "In using the device the plate is filled with edibles -- say soup, for instance. The child naturally attempts to fill its spoon by pulling the spoon through the dish and ordinarily will drag the spoon and its contents over the rim of the plate; but in the present instance the spoon will be arrested by the abutment 'e' and then the child will have to lift the spoon clear of the attachment, and thus will be prevented from wasting its food and caused to lift the spoon properly.

It will be seen from the foregoing that the objects of the attachment are to enable a child to feed itself without causing the spoon or other article to slip from the plate, owing to its awkwardness and handling the same, and to avoid the soiling of the table-cloth and other surroundings. By means of this attachment the use of a spoon, and etc..., is considerably facilitated, and the child will be able to feed itself in a very short time and is not tempted to use its left hand in eating as an accessory to the spoon or other article, nor, as is so often the case, to disregard all accessories and make use of its hands alone."  

Assorted "etiquette spoons," a training fork and other youth utensils ~ "It is ironic that we repeatedly encourage babies to burp after eating.  Within a short while however, we are just as vigorously teaching them not to burp at the table." Maura Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette

Though these spoons were not new, being marketed as "Etiquette Spoons" was a new development in the late 1800s.

Below is another "child training" utensil patent from 1947.  While newer designs for children's utensils, and their patents, still show up now into the 21st century, they are designed many times more for convenience and for novelty, as opposed to learning proper utensil use.  The period from the late 19th and early 20th centuries, really was the golden age for utensils and other table items designed for teaching table manners to children. 

This 1947 "training implement for infants" had a "swivel" feature that I am sure kept toddlers entertained, but probably did little to teach the child to move the spoon in the swivel motion himself, or herself.

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for nearly a quarter of a century, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years.