Fine Points of Etiquette for Cards

A lady’s calling card should never be found where she would not like to be seen herself. – Above, an antique mother of pearl calling card case of a Miss Mary Sheffield.

Use of Calling Cards: 

The question of how properly to use the calling card seems still to remain puzzling to so many people that the best way is again to give instruction on the subject if the primary point is firmly implanted in the mind there should be no trouble at all, and this is that the visiting card of a man or a woman means the personal presence of the one whose name it bears as far as an inanimate object can be said to replace a living person. 

A lady’s calling card should never be found where she would not like to be seen herself, and the man who is in any regular business will have his office number on his business cards, but his calling cards that are to be sent in to announce him calling or to be left by the ladies of his family with their own when he cannot make the call In person need have only his name, always with the prefix “Mr.” 

A married woman in making a first call leaves one of her own and one of her husband’s for each lady in the house, with an extra one of her husband’s for the man of the family—more if it be necessary—that is where there are sons or brothers. It should be readily understood that this simply means that Mr. and Mrs. have called upon Mrs. and Miss, while Mr. has also called upon Mr. Such formality is only needed when making a first Call. Afterward only the card of the lady and her husband need be left if the members called upon are not at home. 

When a lady calls where she has been in the habit of calling—that is, upon an acquaintance or friend —she just leaves her own card, laying it upon any convenient table or shelf. If the lady of the house opens the door herself or happens to be at the door and receives her in person. Where cards of invitation include the men of the family and they cannot call in person their visiting cards should be left by the women who do call: this is all that is necessary. A young man usually prefers to have his own cards to announce his visit when he calls in person. 

When an invitation to an “at home” is received, the only thing needed is to drop one’s card In the receiver always to be found either at the door or presented by a man or maid for the purpose. This signifies that one has been present as the hostess looks over her cards afterward to note who has been present. If one cannot attend a short note of regrets, with card inclosed, is mailed in time to reach the house of the hostess on day and date of reception, as near the hour as possible. One’s obligations cease if these simple rules are followed. – San Pedro Pilot, 1913

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Formal Invitation Etiquette

Street numbers may be spelled out unless they are too long or they may be put in figures. House numbers are usually put in figures unless they consist of only one figure when they may spelled out if preferred. 

GENERAL RULES FOR FORMAL INVITATIONS

1. Telephone numbers should not be used on formal invitations.

2. The family crest or coat of arms may be embossed without color at the top of the invitation if the invitation is issued jointly by husband and wife, or by the husband alone. If issued by a widow, only the coat of arms should be used, omitting the crest and motto, and in the form of a lozenge.

3. “request the pleasure of your company” is used in dance invitations, dinner invitations, etc., and not “the honour of your presence.” (Note that in formal invitations the English style of spelling honour and favour is always used.)

4. If an invitation to a formal luncheon or dinner is hand-written, the same form is used as that of an engraved formal invitation.

5. The most personal, formal engraved invitation of any kind is the form in which the guest's name is filled in by hand. This confers a special compliment on the recipient.

6. Teas are generally given by women only. However, they are sometimes given by “Mr. and Mrs.” jointly.

7. One envelope is used for invitations to teas, dances, etc. The tissue may be discarded in mailing invitations engraved upon cards, unless two cards are mailed in one envelope, when a tissue should be placed between them.

8. Invitations may be engraved on plain or paneled sheets or cards.

9. It should not be necessary to have to ask for a reply, but in these changing and rather careless times it has become quite essential in many cases. The most commonly used forms are “Please address reply to (address),” “Please send response to (address),” “R. S. V. P. commonly written ‘R.s.v.p.’ meaning “Répondez s'il vous plaît (Reply if you please)” and “The favour of an answer is requested.”

10. “At home” or “At Home” are usually used on tea invitations in place of "will be at home."

11. Street numbers may be spelled out unless they are too long or they may be put in figures. House numbers are usually put in figures unless they consist of only one figure when they may spelled out if preferred.

12. Dance or tea invitations should be mailed three weeks in advance of the occasion, if possible.

13. “A small dance” is a term frequently used in dance invitations, regardless of the size of the affair. The word “ball” is used only on invitations to a public occasion of this kind. — From, “New American Etiquette,” 1941

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An 1897 Question of Etiquette

 I am in receipt of a card advising me that certain ladies would be at home on certain days. Now, as I am not a society man, I would ask whether the ladies mean that they are at home in the afternoon or in the evening, nothing being mentioned on the card but just the day.

A Gilded Age Gent’s Etiquette Query

Will you kindly help me out of a quandary? I am in receipt of a card advising me that certain ladies would be at home on certain days. Now, as I am not a society man, I would ask whether the ladies mean that they are at home in the afternoon or in the evening, nothing being mentioned on the card but just the day. Also is it necessary to acknowledge the receipt of the card outside of the call which one makes? By answering the above you will greatly relieve THE WRITER. New York, Dec. 4, 1897

What are generally known as “days at home” are informal receptions in the afternoon, and it is only necessary to acknowledge the courtesy of an invitation to such informal receptions, either by a call on one of the appointed afternoons, or, if a call is not possible on the afternoons named, at some other time, or by the sending of a card. The “day at home” is the most informal of all social entertainments. It has grown much in vogue during the past few years in New York and other large cities, and many prominent society women now prefer to have two, three, or four “days at home” during the season rather than go to the trouble and expense of one large afternoon or evening reception. “Days at home” also have the advantage of affording those on a lady’s visiting list more than one opportunity of making a call, and the excellent suggestion has been made that the ladies who purpose holding days at home this Winter should, if possible, where they live in about the same locality, choose the same day. Thus, for example, if those ladies living on lower Fifth Avenue and in adjacent streets between Fourteenth Street and Washington Place, would choose Monday, those living between Fourteenth and Twenty-third Streets would select Tuesdays, those again residing between Twenty third and Thirty-fourth Streets would take Wednesdays, and so on until each fashionable section of the city had, as it were, its day, the labor of calling would be much simplified. –The New York Times, 1897 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette of Cards and Calls

There are so many details connected, with the leaving of cards and so many occasions on which to leave them that at first it seems bewildering. It does not take long, however, to adapt one’s self to the custom, and every one who pretends to know anything about “Society” with a capital “S” must know all about how, when and where to leave cards. 

There is one point of etiquette on which there is always debate and uncertainty in a girl's mind —the etiquette of visiting cards. When a girl comes out, her mother is only too glad to shift this part of the social duty on her daughter's shoulders and she must know just how many cards to leave in varying circumstances. There are so many details connected, with the leaving of cards and so many occasions on which to leave them that at first it seems bewildering. It does not take long, however, to adapt one’s self to the custom, and every one who pretends to know anything about “Society” with a capital “S” must know all about how, when and where to leave cards. 

The card itself varies in size according to the fashion. Just at present, cards are as small as they conveniently can be both for married and unmarried women, though a man's card never varies, being always the regulation size, about 3-1/2 inches long and 2 inches deep. The name is, of course, in the center and the address in the lower right-hand corner. The “at home” day (if the girl's mother has one) is printed in the lower left-hand corner, and should read, “Thursdays in January” or “Thursdays, January 4th and 11th.” The most common use for the cards is, of course, for calling, and calls must be made with care and regularity. If a girl expects to keep her position in the world of fashion. It is not etiquette to call except upon “at home” days, unless, of course, the party has no “at home” day, then it is permissible to call any day.

If the girl is calling on a married woman, she leaves one of her own cards and one of her mother's, with two of her father's, as the man must always call on the man of the house. If the lady has daughters in society, a card should be left for each daughter from all three, the girl's mother, father and the girl. If there are other men in the family, the girl should leave one of her father's cards for each one of them. A woman naturally never leaves a card on a man. This seems like a great waste of cardboard, but as it is etiquette it must be accepted. When a girl is paying a party call for a luncheon on people that she knows slightly, must, of course, leave a card for the girl's mother, even if she has never met her. When a girl goes to any kind of reception, she must leave cards. 

There is usually a tray left in the hall or the purpose. If a girl and her mother are prevented from attending a reception, they must send cards, and just the same quantity as if they had called personally. Never send cards to “days” until the last day. A girl should always leave cards on people in mourning, and as soon after their bereavement as possible. Never ask to see anyone; just leave the card. lt is also polite to leave cards when one knows of illness in a house. In this case, it is polite to inquire for the sufferer. If a friend moves into the neighborhood, a girl should leave cards on her within the week, or if the girl's family move and the neighbors call on them, the girl should see that the courtesy is promptly returned. All these little things mean so much and require the most infinite care, if a girl is going out at all. – San Francisco Call, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia