British Manners for the 1990’s

Author Drusilla Beyfus’s book “Modern Manners; the essential guide to living in the 90s” is “a mixture of common sense and understanding of other people’s sensibilities, an attitude which helps make everyday life a more agreeable and urbane “Strict etiquette would decree that men open doors for women, period, but at the workplace hierarchy is likely to change the rules. If opening a door can be done without too obviously drawing attention to a woman, it would be polite to make a gesture.”

The British Got a Guide to Modern Manners in 1992

Should modern man still open the door for today’s liberated lady? What is the polite way of establishing your new partner’s sexual health? And how does one tackle the age-old dilemma of eating peas gracefully?

Help is at hand. From the nation ever conscious of the rules of etiquette, where social class is still betrayed by calling the lavatory the toilet, comes a new British guide to modern manners.

But its 350 pages of advice encompassing behavior in the presence of royalty, writing love letters and how to cope with “unpleasant bodily functions” are not meant to be a set of intimidating rules.

Rather, the publishers say, author Drusilla Beyfus’s book “Modern Manners; the essential guide to living in the 90s” is “a mixture of common sense and understanding of other people’s sensibilities, an attitude which helps make everyday life a more agreeable and urbane experience.”

So, using portable telephones in restaurants gets a firm thumbs down, eating or drinking in the street is deemed offensive, and replying to business invitations by fax machine is considered “a touch casual.”

But how about the English gentleman who may be confused by conflicting signals on the battlefield of sexual equality? Beyfus offers this guidance:

“Strict etiquette would decree that men open doors for women, period, but at the workplace hierarchy is likely to change the rules. If opening a door can be done without too obviously drawing attention to a woman, it would be polite to make a gesture.”

It is certainly acceptable for a woman to ask a man for a date but if she wants to pay, she should only do so discreetly.

Women should give up their seats on trains or buses to “frail males” and likewise a “stalwart male should be prepared to move over and give his seat to another of his sex, perhaps laden with babies and baggage.”

On table manners Beyfus, former editor of Vogue magazine, says the British are world leaders “with their emphasis on order, restraint and grace.”

Her tips:

* Never start eating at a dinner party before all the guests are served, whatever the pressure.

* Corn on the cob is “a messy business” and is not recommended.

* Peas are “the very devil to eat elegantly,” she says. “You may spear a few on the prongs of the fork or press some on to the back of a fork using a knife as a pusher. Using the fork as a cradle for the pusher is considered unmannerly.”

The royal section, vetted by Buckingham Palace, warns women never to overdo a curtsy and says men should bow from the neck rather than make a sweeping gesture.

At a time when Britain’s 1,000-year-old monarchy is rubbing shoulders increasingly with commoners, there is reassurance for anyone playing host to a Queen or Prince.

In class-conscious Britain, it has been said, good manners can amount to making people of lower class feel ill at ease.

Beyfus counters that class distinctions are fast breaking down. Social mobility and the get-rich-quick 1980s have made many of the old standards of behavior disappear forever.

But in her ideal world, good manners are exemplified by the traditional reserve of the British, who have a reputation for not losing their temper, who sacrifice plain speaking to diplomacy and for whom politeness in affairs of the heart is the better part of passion.

The delicate issue of lovemaking in an age of AIDS should be tackled tactfully but without flinching. “Nor should a lover feel offended if asked to use a contraceptive or give an account of their sexual health. Women carry condoms out of common sense.”

Still on physical etiquette, Beyfus notes that “oddly enough stomach rumbles are usually passed over in silence.”

“If a person suspects they are going to fart, their best move is to try to step away from the group,” writes Beyfus. — By Jill Searjent, Reuters, London 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia