Gilded Age Customs and Conscience

In the 1980 historical miniseries, Shogun, John Blackthorn, self-conciously bathing with Mariko, is the first English person to arrive in Japan and must find a way to survive in a culture which considers him to be a barbarian due to his European habits (eating the meat of birds he has killed, eating with one’s hands and rarely bathing.)– photo source Pinterest

Etiquette… Custom… Conscience

A Second Debut Article from 2018

It is said that “it is conscience that makes cowards of us all,” and there is much talk of the “whisperings of conscience,” the “wee small voice” and all that; but whence comes that voice? Is there an immutable principal of right and wrong placed somewhere in the mind that tells one of right and wrong? Or is it not custom - that to which we have been accustomed? We have mentioned before the people told of by Herodotus, who killed and ate a man when he arrived at a certain age, and he tells us that it was a great honor to be eaten by ones relatives and friends. 

Now if one of this race stayed away from such a feast, through pique, did not his conscience hurt him? Did he not feel like he had not done his whole duty? We kill the lamb that licks, in confidence, the salt from our hand and conscience does not rebel. The millionaire swears to false returns to the Assessor, because it is the custom for millionaires to commit perjury on such occasions, and his conscience does not trouble him in the least. He is satisfied that St. Peter will call it a “mere form” and pass him through the Pearly Gates.

In the same line comes customs of demeanor wherein modesty is concerned. That which is all right in one country is not in another. A writer in the New York Sun says that travelers in Japan tell of the unconcern with which a Japanese will take a bath in full publicity, and the custom has impressed foreigners as immodest. An Englishman who has been long in the country says there is really nothing in modest in the promiscuous bathing of men, women and children from a Japanese point of view. With them cleanliness is the object sought for, and the etiquette of the bathroom differs from the etiquette of the parlor.

With Europeans, he says, the attitude of waltzers is only permitted when the music is played. It is something like this with the Japanese bathers. When the necessary operation of washing or doing other work requires it, to strip becomes a duty. On the other hand, a Japanese woman would scorn to appear décolleté. To her eye our ballrooms are an astonishment, and the exposure of the person for display is incomprehensible. This writer thinks that the Japanese are not excelled by their Western Brethren in modesty. – Weekly Colusa Sun, 1892

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Modesty

In its use today, ‘modesty’ can be an emotional word, ringing of judgment and disdain, particularly when referring to what a person does not possess. It’s a word people can and have taken sides over.

Modesty in Today's World

If you look up “modesty” in the dictionary, you’ll find three variations of its meaning:

1. Not vain or boastful
2. Decent behavior or dress
3. Simple, minimal

In its use today, it can be an emotional word, ringing of judgment and disdain, particularly when referring to what a person does not possess. It’s a word people can and have taken sides over.

Masculine and Feminine Variations

Searching “modesty” online, I found images and sayings galore. And immediately noticed the majority related to the female of the species: what she shows or doesn’t show, or an inner quality of her beauty. Or her behavior of restraint to avoid being seen as less than decent or moral.

It became apparent that, what I believed to be a timeless, all-encompassing word, is generally associated with the feminine. And just as much today as in more conservative times.

It also seems that when applied to men, it is sometimes viewed as weak and unmanly.

But I think of modesty as a power word. If a person of either gender is modest, unassuming or understated in the presentation of himself or herself, that person actually has more power in that his or her qualities lay waiting to be discovered.

Dressing Modestly

Attire is what most people notice immediately when seeing someone. It is a primary element in a first impression.

When you show up to an event or occasion and are not dressed in the same level of formality that the event calls for, or you are dressed in a manner that draws undue attention to yourself, it is considered immodest.

It seems to matter more if you are a woman, the level of importance varying in different cultures. A woman who attends a business meeting dressed in a slinky cocktail-style dress is assumed to be of lesser character.

A man, I think, would be judged less harshly. If he showed up in sweats he would be judged crude, but not immodest, or of lesser character.

Behaving Modestly

Judith Martin, alias “Miss Manners,” agrees that modern modesty is not an easy word to define. For instance, “immodesty is to wear a bathing suit on a nude beach, thus calling attention to one’s body.”

What’s worse for her “than immodesty of dress or undress, is the current immodest fashion of dressing up one’s experience so that one appears to be more than one really is.” She goes on to say that she does not favor the “shocking policy of face-value honesty, but merely calling attention to the pleasure of being discovered to be better than one has presented oneself to be.”

Modest behavior consists of calm courtesies. One introduces himself, participates in conversation, does not disturb, smiles and makes eye contact appropriately, and shows genuine care for himself and others.

It is the making of that person everyone refers to as “nice” before they learn she is a famous playwright, brilliant scientist, or successful businessperson.

Etiquette-ful Modesty

Have more than you show, speak less than you know. 

~ William Shakespeare

Etiquette occurs within context, situation and relationship. It matters where you are and why you’re there.

It defers to respect, courtesy, and kindness in every situation, context and relationship. It is gender-free and applies to everyone.

Actions of etiquette that breed modesty are:

1. Know where you are!
2. Intend respect, courtesy, and kindness always.
3. Remain ever-mindful of what a situation calls for so that you aren’t the focus – nor are your outfit or body parts.

To be modest, is to be etiquette-ful. The elements of both appear in every aspect of our lives, encouraging quiet authenticity, and an avoidance of chaos

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Modesty and Dress

Oh, the irony! She wears a bathing dress that shows her limbs half way up to the knee, and doesn't care who sees them; but in the evening, when at home, if her dress should expose the least bit of a striped stocking to the gaze of her most intimate friends, she would clutch it frantically and drag it down quicker than chain-lightening.

The Absence of Etiquette in the Water

It is astonishing to see how much a young lady becomes attached to a gentleman while in the water, who she would barely recognize on the street the day before. We have seen such a one clasp a young man lovingly around the neck, just because a roller, a little larger than usual came along, and he had considerable difficulty in releasing himself before he was choked to death. 

The same young lady wears a bathing dress that shows her limbs half way up to the knee, and doesn't care who sees them; but in the evening, when at home, if her dress should expose the least bit of a striped stocking to the gaze of her most intimate friends, she would clutch it frantically and drag it down quicker than chain-lightening, while her face would become suffused with blushes. It makes a power of difference where we are, and what we're doing. (We presume that the same lady would blush to look upon Antony and Cleopatra.) – California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1877

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia