Etiquette and Refined Men

The Knights of the Urn

Called “fops” or “metrosexuals” by many in other eras, and counterparts to the masculine, female “mashers,” the accomplished, “sissy” men are geniuses at entertaining, with doylies, china and velvet rugs. Is it any surprise that these geniuses exist? Not to Etiquipedia... Throughout time, the most coveted valets and butlers, famous chefs, fashion icons, noted artists and designers have been men!

“As a contrast to the masculine girl and her swagger, it might be pertinent to present the ‘sissy man’ and his affectations. You see this rare exotic in full bloom at those essentially feminine ceremonies known as five-o’clock teas, where nothing sweetened and tied up with a bow furnishes the repast, where soft light filters through rose-hued shades over fair faces and aestheticism revels in daintiness galore. The ‘sissy man’ has his prototype in Paris and in London, and one of his chief characteristics is his devotion to the married women, particularly if she has a monster of a husband that can’t understand Browning and had rather shovel coal than read Rossetti. The ‘sissy’ makes it a point to calmly ignore the husband, who would kick him out for his impertinence only that he knows what a harmless little lamb he is and thinks it would be needlessly cruel. 

He knows, according to the New York Sun, more about the code of candy giving and the etiquette of flowers than he does about the constitution of the United States. He has his sweet apartments, where the foot sinks noiselessly into velvet rugs and the walls are draped with sigh-away tints and hung with Pre-Raphaelite etchings. He gives his dear little teas, where the china is exquisite, the appointments elaborate and beautiful. He is up on doylies, and knows all about linen and silver. He persuades his married divinity to preside at the urn and gives himself up to the perfect ecstasy of adoring and serving her. 

We dare say, Carson the Butler would approve! Above- Chocolate spoons in ramekins awaiting pots de crème or chocolate soufflés. Indeed, due to their size and shape, chocolate spoons would just not do for teacups and saucers! – A nice old lady who was invited to one of these teas, went early because she thought the poor fellow wouldn’t have enough spoons and napkins, but looked on in amazement while the host made delicious cream things in a silver chafing dish and apologized for the stupidity of his servant, who gave someone a chocolate spoon with a teacup!

A nice old lady who was invited to one of these teas, and went early because she thought the poor fellow wouldn’t have enough spoons and napkins, or think to dust the glassware, and would be terribly upset and frustrated, looked on in amazement while the host made delicious cream things in a silver chafing dish and apologized for the stupidity of his servant, who gave someone a chocolate spoon with a teacup. And when he began telling how he had a dinner served for four every night, whether he invited any guests or not, and that there was the same order of service and quite as elaborate a menu when he dined quite alone, as when his most honored guests were at the feast, because that was the proper way to train servants and manage a household. ” – Daly Alta, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The European Etiquette Evolution

For many years after the fork's introduction, they were considered a ridiculous affectation and foppery. Before forks, using the "fingers of courtesy" were the best mannered method of eating.

 Some Curious Table Manners of 

Europe's "Good Old Days"

It was into in the fourteenth century when the first evidences of art in the shape of silver cups were noticeable on the buffet. The dishes were made of pewter or wood, and spoons of bone, wood or silver. Knives were rare, and on that account guests invited to feasts carried their own knives. Forks came in general use still later, and for long years after their introduction they were considered ridiculous affectation and foppery, and not nearly so convenient as one’s own fingers. 

The Lord and his Lady dipped their fingers into the same plate and sipped their wine from the same cup. Even the Queenly Elizabeth, with all her elaborate ideas of etiquette, was content to carry her food to her month with her fingers, and at first despised the newly invented fork as unseemly and awkward. Very gradually the dinning-hall grew in comfort and splendor. Dishes of gold and silver were made, and so eager were the nobles for them that they would sacrifice any thing to possess them. 

The salt-cellar was for a long time the article of highest importance on the board. It was a great affair and stood directly in the center of the table; It was the dividing line; the nobles were seated above the salt, the commoners below; hence grew the proverb: “Below the salt.” The passing of salt was a ceremonious custom, the guest throwing a pinch over his left shoulder and murmuring a blessing. The salt-cellars were of the most curious devices. Sometimes they represented huge animals, sometimes a great, full-blown flower on a long, slender stem, and again they were in the shape of a chariot, mounted on four wheels, on which they were easily run down the table. 

The first glass cups came from Venice during the sixteenth century, and from that time on,  society began to lose many of its primitive ways, and became, in a sense, more refined. Henry VIII was born with luxurious tastes; he had his banquet chairs supplied with velvet cushions, and about this time the parlor or “talking room,” as it was called, was introduced; and here the dames took refuge when the dinner advanced beyond prudent limits, as it invariably did before the finish. 

The cook that presided over the kitchen in those days was not the counterpart of our nineteenth century Bridget, but he was an artist, and generally a man of quality. The ladies of the household, oven those of noble birth, attended to many domestic duties, making the bread, preserving the fruits, while to understand the proper use of starch, was considered a great accomplishment. – The Enterprise and Scimitar, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and the Anti-Flirt Club

Depiction of a Gilded Age / Victorian Era “lounge lizard” or “slick, dandified cake eater” flirting with two young women. By the early 1920’s, one woman, in particular, Miss Alice Heighly, was wary of men like this dandified cake eater, who would drive by in automobiles or hang out on street corners.

“Why do we flirt? Flirting is much more than just a bit of fun: it is a universal and essential aspect of human interaction around the world. Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human species would become extinct. According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilisation as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex language, everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock’s tail: a courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners. Our achievements in everything from art to rocket science may be merely a side-effect of the essential ability to charm.” from Kate Fox for Social Issues Research Centre

The Anti-Flirt Club of Washington D.C. 

Charter members of the Washington D.C. “Anti-Flirt Club” 

The Anti-Flirting Club began in the early '20s in Washington D.C, as a reaction against young women recieving unwanted attention from men, usually in “automobiles or in street corners.” Apparently, just like today, flirting and harassment were pretty interchangeable in the 1920s.

Miss Alice Heighly was the Anti-Flirt Club President 

Apart from establishing ‘Anti-Flirt Week,’ the club also created a set of rules, or etiquette, to help young ladies avoid the “slick, dandified cake eaters” they might come across. The rules are as follows:

• Don't flirt: those who flirt in haste oft repent in leisure. 
• Don't accept rides from flirting motorists—they don't invite you in to save you a walk. 
• Don't use your eyes for ogling—they were made for worthier purposes. 
• Don't go out with men you don't know—they may be married, and you may be in for a hair-pulling match. 
• Don't wink—a flutter of one eye may cause a tear in the other. 
• Don't smile at flirtatious strangers—save them for people you know. 
• Don't annex all the men you can get—by flirting with many, you may lose out on the one. 
• Don't fall for the slick, dandified cake eater—the unpolished gold of a real man is worth more than the gloss of a lounge lizard. 
• Don't let elderly men with an eye to a flirtation pat you on the shoulder and take a fatherly interest in you. Those are usually the kind who want to forget they are fathers. 
• Don't ignore the man you are sure of while you flirt with another. When you return to the first one you may find him gone. 

“Flirting, and a too obtrusive manifestation of preference, are not agreeable to men of sense.” Marilyn Monroe gets flirtatious with Cary Grant, in “Monkey Business”

Women reach maturity earlier than men, and may marry earlier—say (as an average age), at twenty. The injunction, “Know thyself,” applies with as much emphasis to a woman as to a man. Her perceptions are keener than ours, and her sensibilities finer, and she may trust more to instinct, but she should add to these natural qualifications a thorough knowledge of her own physical and mental constitution, and of whatever relates to the requirements of her destiny as wife and mother. The importance of sound health and a perfect development, can not be overrated. Without these you are NEVER fit to marry.

Having satisfied yourself that you really love a woman—be careful, as you value your future happiness and hers, not to make a mistake in this matter—you will find occasion to manifest, in a thousand ways, your preference, by means of those tender but delicate and deferential attentions which love always prompts. “Let the heart speak.” The heart you address will understand its language. Be earnest, sincere, self-loyal, and manly in this matter above all others. Let there be no nauseous flattery and no sickly sentimentality Leave the former to fops and the latter to beardless school-boys. Though women do not “propose”—that is, as a general rule—they “make love” to the men none the less; and it is right. The divine attraction is mutual, and should have its proper expression on both sides. 

If you are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that is noble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him to see and feel that he pleases you. But you do not need our instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness, flirting, and a too obtrusive manifestation of preference are not agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be manly, so should a woman be womanly in her love. From “How to Behave,” by Samuel R. Wells, 1887 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia