Did 80’s Manners Kill Smoking Customs?

Smoking in public is again becoming bad manners. The private label “impolite” may ultimately have more effect on people’s behavior than the surgeon general’s label “unhealthy.”

BOSTON The man seated at the table on my right is smoking. Actually, he is just holding. The cigarette is smoking. Nevertheless, due to my own charm and magnetic appeal, the smoke has chosen to drift directly from his left hand to my right eye.

With a gesture born of years of experience, I subtly wave my menu at the offending current. The man doesn't notice. I then lean over, tap him on the shoulder and ask if he would mind redirecting his smoke. The man apologizes sheepishly, and shifts the cigarette from one hand to the other.

The smoke now begins to drift into the eyes of another diner. This man tips his chair back, touches the smoker on the arm and asks if he would please rechannel the flow. The smoker sighs and with a gesture of defeat, squashes the glowing offender into the glass ashtray.

At the moment his cigarette meets its premature end, it occurs to me that the same vignette is being repeated a thousand times a day in a thousand restaurants, offices, airports, and shopping lines.

The smokers who once owned the air are being pushed back into special zones and corners and closets. They can be seen searching desperately for ashtrays, stepping out for smokes, and holding their cigarette over their heads, directly under an exhaust fan. It's all a bit like watching the Virginia Slims reel go into reverse. Smoking in public is again becoming bad manners. The private label “impolite” may ultimately have more effect on people’s behavior than the surgeon general’s label “unhealthy.”

If so, it won't be the first time that social pressure has made social history. This is precisely what happened to an ancient and honorable habit known as spitting. In Norbert Elias’ book, “The History of Manners,” he describes a host of changing attitudes and habits from medieval times to ours. He even gives a brief chronology of how spitting became a victim of “civilization.”

Medieval etiquette authors started with the basics: “Do not clean your teeth with your knife. Do not spit on or over the table.” Spitting under the table in those days was allowed even among the best company.

Sometime during the 16th century, our genteel ancestors were being advised to refrain from spitting during mealtime. By the 17th century, they were admonished not to spit on the ground.

The spit repression went on for centuries. In 1859, when spittoons had become a proper substitute for the ground or the napkin, one arbiter of good taste was advising: “Spitting is at all times a disgusting habit. I need say nothing more than never indulge in it.” Fifty years later by 1910, even the spittoon had vanished like some relic of a coarser age.

By now, public spitting itself has virtually disappeared except among the crude, the coughing, and the baseball players. Even writing about it feels vaguely improper. We now consider spitting “uncivilized” and this whole change in social behavior is called “progress.”

As Elias describes the evolution of manners: “The decisive role (was) played in this civilizing process by a very specific change in the feelings of shame and delicacy.”

Admittedly, during the past half-century smoking flourished. There was little support in this era for the virtues of “shame and delicacy.” People worried more about repression than rudeness. I suspect that smoking was an example of pseudo-freedom.

But now, with the help of medical researchers, civilization is creeping up again on the tobacco barbarians. You can see it in clear signs — “Smoking Not Permitted” - and dirty looks. The balance of embarrassment has shifted from non-smokers to smokers. The balance of rudeness has shifted from the critics of smoke to the purveyors of smoke.

Will smoking go the way of spitting, from rude to extinct? Remember what happened to the spittoon. If you have any stock in ashtrays, sell. — By Ellen Goodman for the Boston Globe, 1982

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 1980’s Self Improvement

“Don't worry too much about making mistakes,” Marja Barrett said in a voice that could soothe a child’s tears. “If you realize that you're using your dinner fork for the salad, don't panic and suddenly drop the fork. You’ll just draw attention to yourself. Believe me, no one probably noticed you were using the wrong fork… they're too busy paying attention to their own food to watch what you're doing.”

Baby boomers were minding their manners

Doug Wright eyes his wife, Gertrude, with a furtive sideways glance. She had just done the unthinkable. Quietly, but decisively, she had cut up her salad. The bite-sized pieces of bibb lettuce, tomato and onion sat in a small mound on the plate in front of her. 

A moment later, speaker Marja Barrett finishes her sentence: “...and remember, always cut up the food a portion at a time." Doug laughs, shrugs his shoulders and grins at his wife. She blushes slightly. “It's easier to eat this way,” she says as she dug into a pile of lettuce using her salad fork tines down, of course.

The setting is a plush restaurant. The topic is table etiquette. Barrett is gently but firmly guiding the roomful of adults through the sloshy dangers of consomme brunoise, the bony pitfalls of grilled duck, and the crumbling perils of dinner rolls. The tables are set with a dazzling array of forks, knives and spoons.

“Don't worry too much about making mistakes,” Barrett says in a voice that could soothe a child’s tears. “If you realize that you're using your dinner fork for the salad, don't panic and suddenly drop the fork. You’ll just draw attention to yourself. Believe me, no one probably noticed you were using the wrong fork… they're too busy paying attention to their own food to watch what you're doing.”

She has spent more than 20 years in what she calls the self-improvement field, including almost eight years as director of the Kathleen Wellman modeling school in Cincinatti. “You can be very intelligent, but if you don't have the social graces, a corporation may be very wary of hiring you,” Barrett says,

Business manners are big business these days. When Barrett was asked to give a roundtable lecture titled “Power Presence” at a recent Women Entrepreneurs’ Conference, the session became so popular that it spilled over into two more.

“More than half the conference attended Barrett's sessions,”says Julia O'Connor, an organizer of the entrepreneurs’ conference. “I think the interest in business manners started at the corporate level and has now filtered down to smaller businesses. It's very important for people with their own businesses, because they have to sell, and to do that they have to know proper manners.”

“Sales people see etiquette and sales as synonymous,” says Ann Marie Sabbath, director of special services at Southern Ohio College. “It’s because so many sales take place over lunch or dinner.” As one of four staffers manning the college’s “At Ease” etiquette hot line, Sabbath has fielded hundreds of etiquette questions from business people. The hotline was established to promote “Mastering Business Etiquette and Protocol,” a seminar the college was sponsoring.

“We've had everyone from secretaries to company presidents to account executives call... anyone who does business over lunch or dinner or who deals with clients in a social situation,” Sabbath says, adding that baby boomers find etiquette particularly attractive. “They are on the corporate climb and are savvy, but they want to refine what they know.”

After the hotline was the subject of a story in The Wall Street Journal, it began receiving telephone queries from around the country.  “We've been getting calls from Washington, D.C., Dallas, New Orleans, Chicago and New York. And we've had local companies calling to ask us if we would customize an etiquette class for them.”

Callers are asking about telephone etiquette, tipping rules, and how to greet and introduce people. But most of the questions zero in on dining. “People want to be comfortable and they want to pay attention to conversations rather than worrying about what fork to use,” Sabbath says

Worrying about which fork to use wasn’t of concern by the time the diners at Barrett’s class had reached the main course of duck, wild rice and vegetables. No one dared touch a fork. All were waiting for everyone at their table to be served. “If there are six people or less at your table, you should wait until everyone is served before you start eating.” Barrett says. “But, if there are more, go ahead and eat; otherwise, your food will be cold.”

As the class attacked the main piece of duck. Barrett offered advice on what to order at a business lunch. “Keep the eating simple,” she said. “Forget spaghetti, ribs and lobster. It's a time to pay attention to business, not the food.” She also recommended dining at a familiar restaurant. “That way, when a guest asks you to recommend a dish, you can, because you know the menu. “And never speak loudly. whether you are ordering dessert or discussing a business deal,” she says. “You never know who is sitting at the next table.”

Barrett ended the class with a round of dining don'ts. Among the no-nos:

Don't lick your fingers.

Don't put your hands on your hair or face.

Don't smoke until the meal is over.

Never stack the dishes.

Don't put a wet spoon back in the sugar bowl.

Find out the name of your server. Don't call him “buddy,” “hey, you” or “sir.” Never snap your fingers to get his attention.

Don't give a toast that lasts more than a minute.

Don't lift your glass when you are being toasted. (If you do, people will think you are toasting yourself.)

Never put all 10 fingers in the finger bowl at once. Dip in a few at a time, wipe them with your napkin, then continue dipping and wiping the rest of your fingers. — By Sara Pearce, Gannett News Service, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Reapplying Lipstick

 

If one’s lipstick is on the cup, it isn’t on the lips any longer. Reapplying a bit of lipstick at the table is fine with Etiquipedia, as long as one does it without show and it is a one step process only. Lip liner, a base coat or top coat are not allowable without excusing oneself to go to the powder room or elsewhere to apply. We are torn over the 1983 advice for powdering one’s nose. We feel that anything that requires the opening of a compact and mirror at the table, is best left for another setting.

To Makeup or Not

Is it proper to touch up your shiny nose and your lipstick at the table when you're dining out?

Most etiquette experts say a discreet dab of powder and lipstick is fine and might even be a trace alluring, but a major repair job belongs in the ladies' room.

A subtle touch up of powder to take away face shine and freshening of lipstick does not mean adding lipliner, lip gloss and eye makeup, though. Remember, makeup should remain a mystery to the observer. – Desert Sun, 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in Home Decorating of 1983

Welcome the polite society. Sociologists say it's a reaction to the “take me as I am” ‘60's and the “me-ism” of the ‘70s. But, whatever the cause, the aim is definitely to please. The same gracious mood is guiding a new trend in home decorating. Friendly rooms ones that extend a polite welcome are replacing the self-centered environs of the high-tech age.

It’s Nice to be Nice

All of a sudden it’s nice to be nice. After a long spell of putting No. 1 first, thinking of others seems to have a novel attraction. What's the tip- off? Everyone’s emerging interest in etiquette.

All across the country, ex-“me generation” mothers are sending their toddlers to manners classes. Harvard Business School students are attending seminars on gracious entertaining. Updated etiquette books are selling like crazy. And, in the White House, propriety is politic.

Welcome the polite society. Sociologists say it's a reaction to the “take me as I am” ‘60's and the “me-ism” of the ‘70s. But, whatever the cause, the aim is definitely to please. The same gracious mood is guiding a new trend in home decorating. Friendly rooms ones that extend a polite welcome are replacing the self-centered environs of the high-tech age.

“Warm colors, a relaxed mix of furnishings, intimate scale and lots of cushy, comfortable upholstery are the hallmarks of the new decorating etiquette,” Mary Jane Johnson, a design consultant to Riverside Furniture Corp., says. “These polite rooms are the essence of all-American graciousness. And, unlike the so-called civilized rooms of yesteryear, these polite rooms put people at ease, engage their interest and emanate warmth.”

Although decorating dogmas went out with engraved calling cards, today's new courteous decors do share a standard code of behavior. Here are just some of the dictates:

An intimate scale creates a relaxed atmosphere. An 8-by-10-foot area is a good size for conversation groupings. In a larger room, Ms. Johnson recommends designing a small library of music nook to create a cozy ambiance.

Warm colors compliment guests; sunny shades make people happy. Peaches, pinks and reds are the nicest colors for flattering guests. A yellow room always picks up the spirits. Riverside designers chose a medley of thoughtful colors like peach, pale green and blue for a guest room decorated with nostalgic turn-of-the-century furnishings. The result was a high-spirited room that offered a warm welcome.

Interesting accessories break the ice. Aside from making a room truly personal, handmade accessories, collections, flowers, books and art give people something to talk about. They are the niceties of decorating —the white gloves and pearls.

A mix of styles and patterns sets a friendly tone. There's nothing stiff about these polite rooms. On the contrary, a warm blend of old and new and an artful combination of patterns and prints helps keep rooms from being too rigid, too formal, too cold. —Desert Sun, January 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early Marijuana Etiquette

Safe in a corner by a window, beer in hand instead of champagne, I tried to put pot smoking in perspective with etiquette, even in a humorous vein, and tried to get the changing world to fit changes that I myself had made.

The Etiquette Of Pot

La Salle's "Blue Room" hosts an intriguing lot. Overflow dinner crowds eat there: groups reserve it for private parties: Theatre Out of a Suitcase rehearses its plays around imaginary trees and telephones. On any given evening, walking past. one can catch a glimpse of employee parties, Jane Fonda or a local author. Or a bicycle that someone has parked in the corner nearest the kitchen.

The clientele sometimes can be formidable. Look-alike lawyers in look-alike neckties link arms around the political candidates who visit town, shoving less conventionally dressed journalists against the walls. In the Blue Room, feminist groups celebrated the recent Supreme Court decisions supporting the rights of women to have abortions. (Not having been invited, I watched from a distance and didn't try to offer my congratulations.) And a curious, but lively, gathering of what seemed to be bureaucrats and sales people bought autographed copies of a young woman's guide on the etiquette of pot smoking there.

Having been invited in a round-about way (one of the few perks that freelance journalists get is a ticket or an invitation to an event that his editor doesn't want to attend), I mingled for a few minutes but found few faces that I recognized. Safe in a corner by a window, beer in hand instead of champagne, I tried to put pot smoking in perspective with etiquette, even in a humorous vein, and tried to get the changing world to fit changes that I myself had made.

America's middle-class discovered marijuana less than two decades ago. Before that it was almost exclusively the domain of migrant farm workers and artists, writers and musicians who gathered in places like North Beach and Greenwich Village to share ideas and experiments. In 1959, border guards were more intent on hassling student-travellers for illegal copies of Henry Miller than they were for caches of weed. Jazz musicians grew marijuana on San Francisco fire escapes and were only criticized because the plants were less attractive than dieffenbachia or rhododendrons.

That changed in the early '60s. Pot, like long hair, became a symbol of social protest. College students risked unreasonable criminal penalties to smoke it. There was no etiquette-only bonding together against what was perceived as oppression. Sharing a joint (particularly in areas where conservative politics were the norm) became a dangerous, defiant and highly enjoyable-act.

I left LaSalle's Blue Room to the etiquette learners. distressed that this heritage of social protest somehow has been replaced by middle-class hip posturing. Not that there shouldn't be etiquette for those who want it (or want to satirize it) but because smoking a joint no longer is a political act. As a nation, we've slid backwards from those "turbulent years." Pot smokers dress well, drive new cars and own businesses. Diplomats with correctly crooked little fingers euphemize the butcherings of desperately hungry natives in Chile, Guatemala and El Salvador. Educators demand a return to rote learning. I wonder what symbols the next revolution will bring? - By Robert Joe Stout in Viewpoint City Lights, for the Chico Record, 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Letitia Baldrige on Executive Manners

On TV, you'll see a woman 65 years old married for the third time tossing her bouquet. It's so ridiculous... SO many travesties of taste go on the air.

On Zed Diamond and Jenny Markham’s wedding day, fate threw a curve separating them for three years. She had amnesia; he thought she was dead.

Then one day they rediscovered each other and decided to reaffirm their wedding vows. What's the proper protocol for such an event?

If you are a couple from the daytime soap opera “Capitol,” you call upon Letitia Baldrige for the answers.

Baldrige, former Social Secretary to U.S. ambassadors, and Jackie Kennedy's White House Chief of Staff, is without contention the foremost expert on personal and business etiquette in the United States.

For “Capitol’s” renewal-of-vows ceremony, Baldrige said the bride should walk in from the side, not up the aisle. She should wear a pastel shade, not white. The cake, too, should be decorated with color. No flower children should toss rose petals nor friends throw rice.

Those rites are reserved for the first wedding.

When it comes to the marriage ceremony, Baldrige is a traditionalist.

“You can only get married for the first time once,” she insisted in a recent interview.

Baldrige, who rewrote “Amy Vanderbilt's Book of Etiquette” in 1978 and has gained even more renown for her “Complete Guide To Executive Manners,” published in 1985, was asked to advise “Capitol” on the correct wedding form for a couple who previously married.

That meant Jenny could not toss her bouquet, could not wear a train or a long veil (only a short one) and she needed to generally “play it cool on the white stuff.” Baldrige was delighted that “Capitol” asked for her assistance.

“On TV, you'll see a woman 65 years old married for the third time tossing her bouquet. It's so ridiculous,” she said.

“Television has such tremendous influence, but so many travesties of taste go on the air. You'll see tables improperly set, with the fork and knife and spoon juxtaposed.

“Or on one nighttime soap opera, they showed a poolside luncheon with everyone dressed in tennis shorts and bathing suits, and the butler was serving lunch. That’s only with white gloves for the most formal dinner with everyone in evening clothes.”

As Baldrige knows well, traditions and correct manners are enjoying a hearty resurgence in the ‘80s.

“It's part of the sociological shift,” says Baldrige. “From 1965 to 1978, traditions were out. People got married in the fields, with Hindu zithers playing and cows in the background instead of organ around in music. People walked around patches of poison ivy instead of the church. It was all a caricature of weddings when the youth rebelled in the '60s.

“Then, of course, those same kids put on three-piece suits and wanted to work in corporations, and suddenly attitudes changed. Now, people want to be in the mainstream. They want to do the formal things properly again.”

The growing deference to tradition is not limited to social occasions, Baldrige discovered after she rewrote the Vanderbilt book.

“There was one small chapter in there on business etiquette. And it was reprinted in airline magazines and company publications all over the world,” she said.

“Then, I started getting calls from businesses and corporations around the country asking for help on how they worded their invitations, and about protocol at meetings. I realized there was a real market there.”

So in 1980 Baldrige added an executive branch to the New York public relations and marketing firm she has run since 1964.

“But I knew I needed a textbook on business etiquette. So I wrote the ‘Complete Guide To Executive Manners.’” Actually, the book is, as Baldrige called it, “the first, big, sort of encyclopedia on behavior in the office.”

Yes, the book covers the proper form of address for officials in government, military and business. Yes, it discusses how far in advance business invitations should be mailed.

But it also delineates the qualities of good managers: Never expect others to follow rules you do not. Never repeat a rumor that would hurt someone's reputation. Keep promises, both large and small.

Baldrige learned the rules of good business behavior by her proximity to people of power and class.

“Since I was 20 years old. I had role models like Clare Boothe Luce. I had all those years in the White House, all these years in business. I worked with David Bruce, who was the greatest senior diplomat we had in this century, in the American Embassy in Paris.”

Baldrige said the basis of executive good manners is twofold: “It’s 75 percent common sense and 25 percent consideration of others. By common sense, I mean making decisions that are efficient and work well. By consideration, I mean decisions that are unselfish and care about someone else's feelings.” – By Divina Infusino for Copley News Service, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia