Amy’s Teen Etiquette Q & A

Amy Vanderbilt on Teens and Dating... 

Q. My brother is 17 and I am 16. He says that it is not right for sister and brother to double-date. What do you think? E.T., Beaumont, Tex. – A. Your brother is right. 

Teen Topics

Etiquette concerns itself with the forms required by good breeding. The necessary judgment to act appropriately in any situation develops slowly and needs guidance. Here are some relevant letters: 

Q. I confided something to a friend and found that she repeated what I said to the very people we discussed. Now she comes to my house every day and seems happy that she has caused a break in my friendship with these people. D.S., Clayton, Mo. 
A. Why not meet the issue squarely? Explain the situation to the hurt friends and apologize for the trouble this girl caused. Then stop seeing her. 

Q. My brother is 17 and I am 16. He says that it is not right for sister and brother to double-date. What do you think? E.T., Beaumont, Tex. 
A. Your brother is right. 

Q. I am a girl of 13 and am going on a week-end trip with five girls. Our chaperon is 21 years old. Do you think it would be all right to have boys along? D.F., Portland, Me. 
A. No, it would not. A young, unmarried woman is not a suitable chaperon for a mixed group. 

Q. I am a girl in my early teens. Is it proper to give a priest who has been very kind a gift? If so, would cookies or something I have baked myself be suitable? A.C., Elko, Nev. 
A. Yes, to both questions. 

Q. At what age should a girl be referred to as “Miss”? Do you think a girl of 11 or 12 should let a boy hold her hand at a show? C.B., Springfield, Colo. 
A. On an envelope, a girl is addressed as "Miss" from infancy. At 16 she may officially use the title “Miss” on calling cards. From 16 on she should receive the courtesy of that title from strangers. A little girl of 1 1 or 12 should not be holding hands with a boy at a show and should not be there at all except perhaps in the afternoon with a group. 

Q. I would like to know how many dresses, skirts, sweaters, blouses, shoes, etc..., a girl of my age (15) should have in her school wardrobe. N.D., Hanna City, Ill. 
A. I cannot answer this. It is wise for a girl to gear her wardrobe in style, but not necessarily quantity, to that of the girls with whom she associates. 

Q. I attend a high school which is very large, and has a number of social sets and clubs. In my club there are some very nice girls and yet I feel I would like to be with a more popular crowd. I know I could get into a club more to my liking because the girls in it have told me so many times. But most of these girls are very wealthy and have different ideas on kissing, dating, etc... I would not like to endanger my high-school career. What do you advise? D.J., Newark, N.J. 
A. Stay in the group that you now are with. You will feel more comfortable. –Amy Vanderbilt for Parade Magazine, 1956

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Minefield of Friendships at School

Cliques and gangs (carried to an extreme degree) offer love, approval, protection and support, and sometimes bullying. Low self esteem can cause bullies to seek power over other teens. The more the clique puts people down, the cooler they feel.

Friendships, and just plain dealing with other students in school, can be difficult. Do your teens ever come across students who put others down for being smart, well-behaved, industrious and moral?  Bullying behaviour is done to devalue those traits that others have, but they don’t have themselves. They can often reflect the low self-esteem of the person doing the bullying. Help teens navigate through some of these challenges of this “minefield” called "school" that they might encounter.

Cliques, and Why do cliques form?  

Cliques form because teens can feel unsure of themselves socially. They lack confidence and social skills. Cliques and gangs (carried to an extreme degree) offer love, approval, protection and support. The more the clique puts people down, the cooler they feel. Help your teen to decide on whether being part of a clique is worth the time or if it is that important.  If it is not that important, encourage teens to politely ignore or avoid a troublesome clique, and develop their own friends based on those who are warm, interesting and inviting.

According to Alex J. Packer who wrote, “How Rude: A Teenagers’ Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior and not Grossing People Out” when teens choose to practice good manners with peers, they can avoid that suffering and anxiety that exists in school corridors.  They will enjoy closer and more rewarding relationships with friends. They can still act cool but without the attitude. 

Peer Pressure

Friends may become involved in questionable activities… just politely, and assertively, say "NO." No is the ultimate self-control.  “No, thank you,”  “I’d prefer not to,”  “Count me out.”  No further explanation is required – stand firm.  Responding with an explanation can put you on the defensive. Saying it aggressively can send the wrong message. Besides, once your teen says "No," others may follow their lead.

Back Biting

Person A tells you your friend has been saying nasty thing about YOU.  What should you do?  Did Person A hear it from your friend or has it been passed on from person to person.  Check out backbiting rumor with your friend – give him or her the benefit of the doubt.  Tell him or her what you heard and how it made you feel.

Shunning

For no reason, friends start to avoid your teen… stop talking, don’t return calls, etc.  Your teen feels sad and lonely.  Suggest that your teen ask him or herself some questions – have I changed?  Have I done something that might be causing problems?  If nothing comes to mind, chat with one trusted friend alone.  Hopefully, he or she will shed some light. If it’s a misunderstanding, then it can be set straight.  Sometimes, friends break up for no reason.  If this is the case, remind your teen to hold their head high and make new friends.

"Am I good company? - This is largely a matter of disposition, cheerfulness, kindness, that old ability to put others at their ease and make them feel good. But, believe me, it's also a question of common courtesy and good manners. Before we hit the teen age, the law of the jungle is apt to prevail. It is socially acceptable for one friend to hit another over the head with his "tinker toys" if things don't go his way. But by the time we reach the teens we've discovered that our relationships at parties, school, home, between each other, in the little things as well as big ones, just won't stand this jungle type friction. If we are the ones who create friction, we are squeaky wheels and not at all attractive. Courtesy (and this includes consideration in such areas as use of the telephone, borrowing, please and thank you, table manners) - all courtesy is simply the oil we use to keep the machinery of friendship running smoothly." Pat Boone on Teens and Friendship

Taking Sides

If two friends are at odds with each other, let your teen know to refrain from taking sides even if they enlist his or her support.  Don’t let either person badmouth the other to your teen.  However, your teen could relay good information like, “If only Sue would apologize, I’d forget the whole thing.”  Report that information to the other friend in the hopes that there can be a reconciliation.

Telling Secrets

Keeping secrets can be difficult because information is POWER.  The friend may not be acting with malice.  He or she may think that they’re passing on a secret to a trusted friend.  But then that friend may tell their “trusted” friend and so and so on.  One sure-fire way of not having secrets revealed is never tell any in the first place.

"Manners ... are different from etiquette because they are not put in a closet, like fancy clothes, for special occasions. Your speech, actions, posture, attitude toward friends and neighbors, behavior at home and at school, driving habits, and telephone habits all call attention to the general way in which you think about yourself in relation to the rest of the world. These are your manners." Dick Clark on Teens, Manners and Friendship

Jealousy

Teach your teen to be happy for their friends’ achievements.  Never feel jealous or compare themselves to others.  They are different and your teen has many talents, too.  Focus on the positive.

By Canadian Contributor Maria Doll ~ An etiquette coach, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009.  Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the

Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Etiquette for Teens and Telephones

Dick Clark's Teen Etiquette Advice Book

Regarding fighting over the phone, from the chapter Alexander Graham Bell:

I certainly haven't looked into the situation very deeply, but one friend of mine maintains that people fight more easily on the telephone then they do in person. There's a kind of sense to his remarks, however, but I find it hard to slough off. Since what you say on the telephone is not accompanied -- for the benefit of the person listening -- with the hand motions, eye motions, or lip motions that also communicate what you're feeling, there's a big danger that you will be misunderstood. Hunch your shoulders, look dismayed, and say, "But I told you I can't go to the movies tomorrow!" And what you're actually saying is, "Much as I'd really like to be with you, I don't see any way that I can make it, and I feel worse than you do about having to refuse the date." The hunched shoulders and look of dismay are missing from the telephone impression; what your friend might receive can sound pretty much like this:  "Look, I've got other things to do, and you keep nagging me about this unimportant movie date. Get off my back!" The old adage, think before you speak, is pretty important anytime, especially when you're on the telephone. 

The old adage, think before you speak, is pretty important anytime, especially when you're on the telephone. 

My friend also says — and again I find it hard to disagree — that people are bolder on the telephone than they are in person. In one way, that's good it sure is easier to invite a gorgeous girl to the junior prom by telephone then in person. If you've been scared that she'll turn you down. But in another way, it makes for heap of trouble I think we've all been guilty, at one time or another, of telling someone off via the Alexander Graham Bell in terms that we wouldn't dare use in a face to face meeting. Is it so? Now that's something to think on while you're waiting for your next dial tone! — From Dick Clark's 1963 etiquette advice book for teens, "To Goof or Not To Goof"  

Because you can't see people's faces by telephone (at present that is, but science promises to remedy this drawback very soon) your voice and what you say are very important.

Basic Manners ~
On the Telephone

Telephones are not walkie talkies for barking orders and emergency messages. When you play or received a telephone call, it's almost like greeting a guest at the door. Because you can't see people's faces by telephone (at present that is, but science promises to remedy this drawback very soon) your voice and what you say are very important.

When you answer the phone -- Say "Hello" in a pleasant voice. Don't say "Yes?" impatiently, or -- like a junior butler --- "Jimmy Jones' residence!"

If the call is for you, say "This is Jimmy speaking"; not "This is me."

If the call is for someone else in the family, say "Just a moment, please, and I'll call him." Then don't give out with an ear splitting scream, but go find the other person and tell him he's wanted on the phone.

When you are called to the phone, start by saying "Hello," instead of "Who is it?"

When the call is for someone who isn't home, say "My mother isn't at home; may I take a message?" Never hesitate to ask for the spelling of someone's name. Say, "Will you please spell your name for me?" if you're not sure of it.

    

Science's remedy to the drawback of not being able to see people's faces over the phone ~ the videophone.

When the doorbell rings when you're talking on the phone, say "Excuse me," answer the door and --- if they are friends -- invite them in, then return to the phone and tell your caller you'll have to call him back later.

The person who places a call should be the first to say goodbye. If you find this difficult at times, try saying "I have to finish my homework now" or "I have to go now; someone else wants to use the phone." You should limit the length of your telephone calls to five or six minutes and call your friends at reasonable times: never before breakfast or after 9 p.m. unless it's an emergency. —From "Stand up, Shake hands, Say 'How Do You Do' ~ What boys need to know about today's manners" 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia