1970’s Etiquette Called Into Question

In the book the girls were taught how to use the “rest position” and “finished position.” Those, in case you're baffled, are arrangements of silverware. In “rest position,” the fork prongs are curved down over the knife. This supposedly indicates you're still eating. The "finished position" is a side-by-side arrangement of knife and fork, with the fork prongs down. This tells the waiter you're done. I called two upperclass bastions in my community, the yacht club and athletic club, to see if the “rest position” and “finished position” are used there. The woman in charge at the yacht club said she'd never heard of such a thing in her 15 years at the club. The man in charge of the waiters at the athletic club said he was aware of the positions because they're used in England where he was born. He said native-born Americans don't use them. — This is odd indeed! Etiquipedia is baffled by this response from both clubs. “Rest” and “Finished” positions have been used in the United States since the mid 1800’s. Nearly any etiquette book will instruct a person in how to lay one’s utensils properly to signal one is either pausing their dining or are finished.

According to columnist,

“Girls etiquette class isn't too practical.”

You can get about anything you want these days in a department store, including etiquette. Mom can spend a pleasant hour in notions and Dad can price fertilizer while daughter or son is picking up the proprieties. 

The archtypical kids' etiquette course is " White Gloves and Party Manners," a creation of Marjabelle Young, who for 15 years ran an etiquette school in Washington, D.C. Graduates of the course include the Eisenhower and Nixon children. “White Gloves” is taught in six hour-long segments to girls five through twelve. I sat in on a class for five through eight year olds at a local department store. The girls were reviewing their curtsy and pivot and were having trouble making their squiggly feet obey. 

“The reason I'm teaching you this is for poise and confidence,” said the teacher. The teacher was having a little problem with restlessness during the class. “I want you to sit very still. I want you all to sit like young ladies like I taught you.” A little girl in a proper party dress and a non-regulation arm cast smiled ... and wiggled some more. Each girl taking the course received a pair of white gloves, a workbook, and a copy of the book “White Gloves and Party Manners,” written by Ms. Young and Ann Buchwald. 

Some of the things in the workbook were quite bazarre. One page had a space for listing of phone numbers. Here's part of the list: My Music Teacher, My Art Teacher, My Ballet Teacher, Riding Stable Number, Club, My Veterinarian, Best Party Dress Shop, My Printer (Reordering my informals), My Cleaners, Bakery (Birthday Cakes), Family Photographer. It’s enough to give a girl who's poor lots of complexes. 

A family tree, to be filled in by the girls, occupied a whole page. “What if you have to put a horse thief at the top?” I asked the teacher. She said most girls couldn't go back as far as their grandparents, anyway. Girls were advised to rub a mixture of lemon juice and sugar into their hands. I called a dermatologist, who suggested that the girls might be better off if they drank the lemonade. 

The book is a conversation piece, too. The girls are advised how to use a finger-bowl. So they probably won't have the experience of Esther Greenwood in Sylvia Plath's “The Bell Jar,” who thought the water in the first finger-bowl she encountered was a Japanese soup. She drank it. Of course, finger-bowls appear more often in fiction than in real life. 

In the book the girls were taught how to use the “rest position” and “finished position.” Those, in case you're baffled, are arrangements of silverware. In “rest position,” the fork prongs are curved down over the knife. This supposedly indicates you're still eating. The "finished position" is a side-by-side arrangement of knife and fork, with the fork prongs down. This tells the waiter you're done.

I called two upperclass bastions in my community, the yacht club and athletic club, to see if the “rest position” and “finished position” are used there. The woman in charge at the yacht club said she'd never heard of such a thing in her 15 years at the club. The man in charge of the waiters at the athletic club said he was aware of the positions because they're used in England where he was born. He said native-born Americans don't use them. 

I have mixed emotions about "White Gloves."- An etiquette course is a valid way to supplement what is taught at home. And much of the material in the "White Gloves" book is good, like that on friendship. But so much of the material is dated that the course could turn a little girl into a living antique. Her peers might laugh.— Maureen Elena Reardon , 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Etiquette for Teens and Telephones

Dick Clark's Teen Etiquette Advice Book

Regarding fighting over the phone, from the chapter Alexander Graham Bell:

I certainly haven't looked into the situation very deeply, but one friend of mine maintains that people fight more easily on the telephone then they do in person. There's a kind of sense to his remarks, however, but I find it hard to slough off. Since what you say on the telephone is not accompanied -- for the benefit of the person listening -- with the hand motions, eye motions, or lip motions that also communicate what you're feeling, there's a big danger that you will be misunderstood. Hunch your shoulders, look dismayed, and say, "But I told you I can't go to the movies tomorrow!" And what you're actually saying is, "Much as I'd really like to be with you, I don't see any way that I can make it, and I feel worse than you do about having to refuse the date." The hunched shoulders and look of dismay are missing from the telephone impression; what your friend might receive can sound pretty much like this:  "Look, I've got other things to do, and you keep nagging me about this unimportant movie date. Get off my back!" The old adage, think before you speak, is pretty important anytime, especially when you're on the telephone. 

The old adage, think before you speak, is pretty important anytime, especially when you're on the telephone. 

My friend also says — and again I find it hard to disagree — that people are bolder on the telephone than they are in person. In one way, that's good it sure is easier to invite a gorgeous girl to the junior prom by telephone then in person. If you've been scared that she'll turn you down. But in another way, it makes for heap of trouble I think we've all been guilty, at one time or another, of telling someone off via the Alexander Graham Bell in terms that we wouldn't dare use in a face to face meeting. Is it so? Now that's something to think on while you're waiting for your next dial tone! — From Dick Clark's 1963 etiquette advice book for teens, "To Goof or Not To Goof"  

Because you can't see people's faces by telephone (at present that is, but science promises to remedy this drawback very soon) your voice and what you say are very important.

Basic Manners ~
On the Telephone

Telephones are not walkie talkies for barking orders and emergency messages. When you play or received a telephone call, it's almost like greeting a guest at the door. Because you can't see people's faces by telephone (at present that is, but science promises to remedy this drawback very soon) your voice and what you say are very important.

When you answer the phone -- Say "Hello" in a pleasant voice. Don't say "Yes?" impatiently, or -- like a junior butler --- "Jimmy Jones' residence!"

If the call is for you, say "This is Jimmy speaking"; not "This is me."

If the call is for someone else in the family, say "Just a moment, please, and I'll call him." Then don't give out with an ear splitting scream, but go find the other person and tell him he's wanted on the phone.

When you are called to the phone, start by saying "Hello," instead of "Who is it?"

When the call is for someone who isn't home, say "My mother isn't at home; may I take a message?" Never hesitate to ask for the spelling of someone's name. Say, "Will you please spell your name for me?" if you're not sure of it.

    

Science's remedy to the drawback of not being able to see people's faces over the phone ~ the videophone.

When the doorbell rings when you're talking on the phone, say "Excuse me," answer the door and --- if they are friends -- invite them in, then return to the phone and tell your caller you'll have to call him back later.

The person who places a call should be the first to say goodbye. If you find this difficult at times, try saying "I have to finish my homework now" or "I have to go now; someone else wants to use the phone." You should limit the length of your telephone calls to five or six minutes and call your friends at reasonable times: never before breakfast or after 9 p.m. unless it's an emergency. —From "Stand up, Shake hands, Say 'How Do You Do' ~ What boys need to know about today's manners" 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia