A Welcome Lacking in New York

The flag of Burkina Faso, formerly known as Upper Volta. — René MacColl was a British journalist and author. 

If he, and the heads of new African nations found New Yorkers rude, what they found in Maryland was undoubtedly a shock: “In the segregated State of Maryland, diplomats from newly independent African nations suffered a series of indignities during the 1950s and early 1960s. While traveling through Maryland, on their way from the United Nations to the White House. Newspapers in their respective home countries, railed against American racism whenever a diplomat was ejected from a “whites only” establishment. The situation became so dire, the State Department was eventually forced to establish an agency just to deal with the discrimination against black diplomats. In an effort to solve the problem, the Kennedy administration argued that ending segregation was vital to winning the Cold War. Many believe this ultimately helped pass the Civil Rights Act of 1964.” — Etiquipedia, Etiquette, Civil Rights and Diplomacy

Manners In Manhattan

TO THE EDITOR OF THE NEW YORK TIMES: At the start of the present session of the United Nations the representatives of some of the new African nations which were formerly French possessions — highly cultured men — were quoted in the press as complaining about the bad manners encountered on the part of New Yorkers. It is to be hoped that these gentleman, from Cameroon, Togoland, Upper Volta and elsewhere, were not harboring the illusion that this ill treatment was merely an outcropping of color prejudice. I can assure them that I, a white man, who visits New York from Europe several times every year in the course of my professional duties, invariably brace myself for a further dose of surliness, rudeness and a lack of consideration at the hands of the people of this city, as my plane comes in for a landing at Idlewild.

In fact, over the years I have become more or less inured to the deplorable manners of New Yorkers. Nowadays, I accept it as one of the many disagreeable facts of life. Probably, after a few further sessions of the U.N., the Africans will have learned to accept it too. I want to make it clear that this state of affairs applies only to New York among the cities of North America. I make no indictment of such places as San Francisco, Denver, Dallas, Des Moines, or Boston. Why this should be is to me a profound mystery. It seems a pity that in this great city, the back of the hand should remain the significant symbol and the snarl the generally accepted recognition signal. — René MacColl, New York, November 7, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Jeffersonian Diplomacy in D.C.

Jefferson had been told of what had taken place, and he quickly divined the object of this visit. Pulling on one boot, he took the other in his hand, and, in his velvet dressing-gown, proceeded to the drawing mom, and having half-opened the door, he turned to a servant behind him, and gave directions, in an easy manner, for the making ready of his horse. Then he entered the room, boot in hand, and smiled blandly upon his august visitors. “Really, my friends, this is an unexpected pleasure. Be seated, be seated, I beg. No ceremony here. I heard of your arrival and would not keep you waiting.” And then, with a gleesome laugh, he sat down, and pulled on his remaining boot, having done which he plunged offhand into a spirited conversation upon the pleasant relations then existing between their respective countries.

Another Anecdote of Thomas Jefferson’s Style

The story I am about to tell was first I told by an English woman. Mrs. Wright, who was cognizant of the circumstances. Those who know anything of Thomas Jefferson’s character know that he had a deep disrelish of all hollow forms and etiquette. When Jefferson came to the Presidential chair, he found considerable of these at the capital, and he at once determined, so far as lay in his power, to preserve that sterling, easy graceful, whole-hearted simplicity, which he deemed the appropriate characteristic of a republic. 

One of the most annoying things that met him in the outset of his exalted career was the extreme, punctilious etiquette which the foreign ambassadors, and more especially their wives, introduced and sought to establish in its own drawing-rooms. Those who would not, or could not, copy them they treated with chilling hauteur. This evil he was resolved to nip in the bud, and deeming an example better than precept, he ordered his own carriage and conversed after a manner that must have been refreshing to the shade of Ben Franklin. When he rode, it was without servants or outriders, and when he visited tie announced his own name at the door. 

At the Presidential mansion the utmost simplicity of manners prevailed. In his drawing-rooms he sought to make true and hearty sociality the rule, and at his tables, he made as little distinction of persons as possible. Of course, there had to be exceptions, but as a rule he placed those near him whom he deemed most worthy. The President was so pleasant, so cheerful, so kind, and so attentive to the wants and comforts of all who came near him, that no one could find a peg upon which to hang direct accusation. At length, however, the opportunity was offered, and was seized. 

On a certain occasion, when the chief dignitaries of America and of all represented nations, were assembled at the Presidential mansion, the Ambassadors from abroad, seeming to feel that the  dignity of their respective courts rested upon them, Jefferson received them all as nearly upon a social level us he could. The Spanish Minister was there blazing in gold and jewels, and his wife bore him company in a perfect bespanglement of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds. 

Jefferson did not stop to consider —perhaps he did not know—the exact relative positions which court etiquette would have given to his foreign guests, and innocently enough he placed at the dinner-table the wife of the English Secretary of Legation above the wife of the Spanish Ambassador. The kind host had only thought of seating two dear friends together— the two wives of the British Minister and his secretary. But the wife of the Spanish Minister, as was natural, was deeply offended, and laid the case before the diplomatic corps. She was indignant, and eloquent, and she wielded an influence; and dually it was decided that on the morrow, the ministers of France and Spain should wait upon President Jefferson together, and demand of him that in future, proper respect should he paid to the rank of the Europeau potentates. 

So, at a proper hour on the following day, the two ambassadors, in full court costume, with jeweled swords at their sides, culled at the President's mansion, and requested to see His Excellency, the President. They were shown into one of the drawing-rooms, and word was conveyed to Mr. Jefferson, who was engaged in the library. Now, Jefferson had been told of what had taken place, and he quickly divined the object of this visit. Pulling on one boot, he took the other in his hand, and, in his velvet dressing-gown, proceeded to the drawing mom, and having half-opened the door, he turned to a servant behind him, and gave directions, in an easy manner, for the making ready of his horse. Then he entered the room, boot in hand, and smiled blandly upon his august visitors. 

“Really, my friends, this is an unexpected pleasure. Be seated, be seated, I beg. No ceremony here. I heard of your arrival and would not keep you waiting.” And then, with a gleesome laugh, he sat down, and pulled on his remaining boot, having done which he plunged offhand into a spirited conversation upon the pleasant relations then existing between their respective countries. No man living could talk more sensibly, more comprehensively, or more eloquently. By a graceful and adroit management of language he elevated the gentleman above the minister, and gave eminence to the Christian philosopher and humane heart above the frozen diplomatist. 

The ambassadors were at first amazed and confounded, and then interested; and very quickly the combat between republican simplicity and truth, and autocrat pomp and hollowness, was decided. The representatives of Kings got away as soon as they could, and when they met their diplomatic companions and their wives, they reported : “It is of no use to contend. We might do it with some rulers, but not with this one. When we visit the President of the United Slates, we may as well make up our minds to leave the royal dignity of our masters behind us.”— S. C., Jr.,in the New York Ledger, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A “Modern Manners” Quiz

   

You meet a comely blonde who was a brunette only the week before. Should you: a) tell her she looks enchanting, but don't mention her hair, b) tell her she's equally lovely as a blonde or brunette, c) tell her frankly how you like the change? 

How modern are your manners?

From 1958, the streamlined manners of the Space Age

Today's social behavior embraces far more than merely knowing which spoon to use for the apricot mousse. Modern etiquette involves everything from highways to self-service elevators, from trousered ladies to TV. This quiz tests how up-to-date you are on the streamlined manners of the space age. 

QUESTIONS 

1.  You're going 55 mph (the legal limit) in the lefthand lane, passing a long line of slow-moving cars in the right-hand lane of a parkway. The car behind blinks its lights. Modern highway manners dictate that you: a) pull over as soon as you find a gap in the right lane, and let him pass, b) stay put, on the ground that you're going at the top legal speed, and the man has no right to pass, c) stay where you are until you've gotten beyond the slower-moving cars, then pull over. 
2. You meet a comely blonde who was a brunette only the week before. Should you: a) tell her she looks enchanting, but don't mention her hair, b) tell her she's equally lovely as a blonde or brunette, c) tell her frankly how you like the change? 
3. At a dinner party your host serves you a delicacy of fried African ants in sauce, flown in for the occasion from Tangier. Modern savoir faire requires you to: a) eat them bravely and praise their flavor, b) give a good excuse such as being allergic to ants in general if you don't like them, c) tell him the truth. 
4. You and your neighbor board the self-service elevator in your apartment house at the same time. He wants to go to the roof, you to the basement. Your first destination should be: a) up, b) down, c) whichever is closer. 
5. It is acceptable for a woman in a downtown city street to do only one of these things: a) wear slacks, b) go without stockings, c) comb her hair. 
6. A famous TV personality walks toward you on the street. He's in your home so often via the living-room screen you think of him almost as a personal friend. Should you: a) rush up and shake his hand, b) pass him by without intruding on his privacy, c) merely nod a greeting? 
7. A female business executive takes a male client to lunch at a plush restaurant. Is it proper for her to: a) let the man pay, b) give him the money to pay, c) pay the check herself? 
8. You're sitting in a public place where there are several large “No Smoking” signs. A young lady asks you to light her cigarette. Proper behavior for you is to: a) point out the signs, b) hand her the matches and let her take her own chances, c) give her the light and politely refrain from comment. 
9. By chance, you bump into a friend coming out of a pawnshop; you know that he's been in financial difficulty of late. Your most mannerly course is to: a) pretend you don't see him at all; b) greet him warmly, but act as though you don't know where he's just come from, c) offer to help him out of his predicament. 
10. At a party, you're chattering with an obviously important guest, but you haven't the foggiest idea who he is. When a friend of yours joins the conversation and introductions are in order, you should: a) frankly tell the VIP you don't know who he is, b) ask the two of them to introduce themselves, c) go on talking without introductions. 

It is acceptable for a woman in a downtown city street to do only one of these things: a) wear slacks, b) go without stockings, c) comb her hair...

ANSWERS 

1. a) Pull over at the earliest possible moment. Blinking lights are a standard passing signal on parkways at night and the proper motorist honors them even when the passer is exceeding the legal speed. 
2. a) is the best manners. The fact that the lady has changed her hair-color indicates that she's dissatisfied with her earlier shade, hence doesn't want to be reminded of it. If she wants to discuss the change, that's her choice, not yours. 
3. The proper answer is b). In today's air age, we get to taste many rare treats imported from far away. We don't have to like all of them. But we still must be polite even if it means a small “white lie.” 
4. c). Other things being equal, it's logical to go to the nearer destination first. 
5. b). Public hair-combing is always in poor taste, and slacks generally are still considered bad form. 
6. The correct course is c). Celebrities like to be recognized, but they also like people to respect the fact that when an entertainer is offstage, he has rights of privacy. 
7. c). The lady should pay the check. Many woman executives bypass the problem by establishing charge accounts at restaurants. 
8. You should follow procedure a). Contemporary manners are based on being kind. It's not kindness to help somebody violate rules and endanger life and property. 
9. b) is right. If you pretend not to notice him at all, he'll probably suspect that you actually did see him; on the other hand, an unsolicited offer of a loan might be most offensive, however well-meant. 
10. The best-mannered move is a). Unless he's a prize stuffed shirt, he'll take your admission in good humor. Of course, you'll always meet some people who are living, etiquette-wise, in the last century. 

SCORING: Eight out of ten correct answers mean your manners are completely up-to-the-minute; five to seven correct answers mean your etiquette needs a bit of brushing-up; less than five correct indicate your social behavior is riding way behind the times. 

— By Alex Addison, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lebanese Culture, Etiquette and Customs

LEBANON

With a reputation bigger than its surface area, Lebanon - once known as the Switzerland of the Middle East - is home to the most fascinating cultural facts.

As childhood experiences help in decoding adult comportment, reference to history and socio-political conditions help in interpreting a nation’s cultural heritage. Here below are selected tips to help readers expand their cultural knowledge about Lebanon and become savvier visitors once they get the chance to explore its beauty.

HISTORY

Modern history of Lebanon began in 1920, following World War I, when the League of Nations granted France a mandate over Lebanon to replace the control of the Ottoman Empire. This gave rise to the State of Greater Lebanon Lubnan al Koubra, with its present boundaries. Two decades later the country fought for its independence from the French and the mandate formally ended on November 22nd 1943. Many believe that this is why French is still widely spoken in Lebanon. The fact is, however, that French was spoken among the Lebanese elite since the Ottoman days and many to this day, still identify themselves with the West rather than the Middle East. France was not only concerned with occupying the Lebanese territories, but was also involved in helping rebuild the infrastructure, the socio-economic, governmental and judicial systems, as well as influencing the educational and administrative structures of the country. Hence, to this day, France is referred to as the Tender Mother - Al Umm al Hanunah - of Lebanon.

GEOGRAPHY

With its vibrant capital Beirut, Lebanon is a densely populated country. It is located in the Levantine region on the eastern coast of the Mediterranean Sea and bordered by Syria from the North and the East.

Before visiting Lebanon, one must know that the Southern border of the country is a long-debated matter. Although one might believe that Lebanon is bounded by the South by Israel, many might argue that the Southern border of the country ought to be called the Palestinian Occupied Territories. It is wise to stray away from such arguments and look for conversations that help cross the cultural bridge based on agreeable grounds.

POLITICS

Throughout history, clashes between Christians and Muslims led to many disruptions, conflicts and civil wars. To ease tensions and satisfy all communities, the Lebanese decided to divide the control of the public offices among the existing religious confessions. According to this unique governing system, they agreed to share the power of the main government branches among the prominent three religious parties, whereby the President of the Republic ought to be a Maronite Christian, the Prime Minister a Sunni Muslim and the Speaker of the Parliament a Shiite Muslim. This arrangement still holds to this day.

The current political situation of the country is complex with inapt leaders governing it and foreign diplomatic forces influencing it, all the while having religion playing a central role in all matters. Nevertheless, neither internal nor external political forces can deny the cultural legacy of Lebanon and its contribution to the region’s heritage.

CULTURE

Like many in the Arab nations, the Lebanese focus on relationships, value family traditions and have high regard for religion. Lebanon has a pluralistic society with a diverse ethnic population. It is religiously the most diverse country in the Arab world, with 18 officially recognized confessional communities, including, four Muslim sects, twelve Christian sects, Druze and Judaism.

With a history dating back more than 5000 years, this ancient land is marked by the world’s most fascinating civilizations. Its archeological sites reveal the past inhabitance of Phoenicians, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Arabs, Crusaders, Mamluks and Ottomans. Moreover, it is home to one of the oldest yet continuously lived in cities ever, called Byblos.

LANGUAGE

There is a difference between the written and spoken Arabic language across the Arab world. In Lebanon, the Language spoken is the Lebanese colloquial form of Levantine Arabic. Lebanon has a high literacy rate, and most people are at least bilingual with French or English as their second language. 

French is commonly used among the Christian communities and English has become even more widespread in the last two decades. Nevertheless, Modern Standard Arabic or al Fusha, is the same across the Middles East and the only language used in the News media, books, written documents, and formal settings. Fortunately, as English and French are widely spoken, foreigners find it easy to communicate around the city.

Another locally heard language is Armenian, spoken by the Armenian community which mostly settled in following the 1915 genocide that led Armenians to disperse all around the world.

LEBANESE CUISINE

Lebanese cuisine is not only a reflection of national heritage, but also a world- famous cultural staple, elevating Lebanon to prominent gastronomic standards. The food is rich with aromatic flavors, inspired at once by the cooking of regional influences and of dominant powers throughout history. Even so, the most famous dishes remain the home-made recipes passed down from one generation to another and among communities from grandmothers, to mothers, daughters, granddaughters, neighbors and friends.

When Lebanese expatriates are asked what they miss the most about the country, oftentimes the answer is the same: “The food!”. The lavish cuisine consists of more than forty mezzé dishes with a variety of cold plates followed by hot ones artfully presented in Service à la Française.

Unlike other Arab cultures, Lebanese enjoy chatting at mealtimes. Conversations can easily shift from travel, fashion and TV shows to heated political discussions, which most likely end with pleasantries and good laughs to cheer up the mood.
Lebanese indulge their guests by offering them meals with abundance. Invitees should gracefully appreciate the generosity of the hosts, for no food gets wasted at the end of these feasts. Based on Arab customs, food charity is practiced by caring and sharing with others, be it the relatives, the neighbors, the helpers or the needy ones in the community.

A lot of mezzés are eaten with Arabic bread, otherwise known as the pita bread. The traditional Lebanese table setting does not include a bread plate however. Therefore, once the bread is cut by hand, it is best to place it on the side of the plate rather than on the table cloth.

When guests are not familiar with some ingredients offered by the host, it is mannerly not to refuse the suggestions, unless for health reasons, but to savor them graciously, as much as possible. For this shows humility, kindness and appreciation to the hosts’ efforts.

CLOTHING STYLE

In urban areas clothing and fashion are heavily influenced by the West. The majority of the population wears western outfits, with many stylish Lebanese keeping a close eye on international trends. In rural communities however, the traditional clothes are still observed by some. You might get across women wearing a long dress Festan or a Tannura skirt covering all the skin, and men wearing a Sherwal baggy pants, a long-sleeved shirt Kamis, a vest and a headdress or a Tarbush hat with a black tassel. Lebanese Muslims generally wear more modern cloths than in most Arab countries. Even so, headscarves are common among Muslim Lebanese women, most of whom opt for western style outfits covering their skin.

Nonetheless, as going back to the roots and reviving local traditions are being emphasized, many Lebanese designers are blending the traditional with the modern and creating stylish traditional cloths and abayas suitable for evening and day wear for all ages and communities.

COMMUNICATION

Lebanese have an indirect communication style and avoid confrontational interactions. They pleasantly volunteer in sharing their opinion but prefer to stay cautious when giving sad or bad news.

People are sincere and wholehearted. They display their emotions frequently and make use of a lot of gestures to express themselves with passion.

INSHALLAH

In Allah Rad or Inshallah, meaning God willing, are widely used expressions among the Lebanese, to link prospects or upcoming tasks to faith in God. Like most Arabs, locals use it to come across as humble and prudent about their future commitments, to do whatever there is in their power, but leave the outcome into God’s own hands. People often use these terms to hedge themselves from unforeseen circumstances keeping them from achieving their duties. Therefore, should local counterparts use these expressions at the end of a sentence, foreigners mustn’t regard it as an excuse nor assume that a given task will not be completed. It is merely a reference to faith as being the end resulting force to any occurrence.

YALLA

One of the most common words in the Arabic language is the word Yalla. Depending on the implication of the sentence and the intensity of it, the meaning can vary. To name only a few, Yalla could stand for “quickly, c’mon, let’s go, let’s start, hurry up, come down, come up, go on, waiting for you...”

INTERRUPTIONS

For a Lebanese, being present in a conversation means talking passionately with enthusiasm. Oftentimes, this leads to verbal interactions full of disruptions. In such cases foreigners must consider interruptions as sign of engagement and warmth rather than rudeness and disrespect.

BODY LANGUAGE

Body language is an essential communication medium and talking with the hands is a common practice for the Lebanese. Oftentimes people use gestures rather than words to express themselves. For instance, they put the head up while raising the eyebrows along with a click sound made with the tongue such as tzso to mean “No” or “I disagree.”

Warmth is not only expressed vocally but also physically. It is common to see people kissing and embracing family members, friends or colleagues, regardless of rank, age or gender, except among traditional Muslims.

HAND GESTURES

Like most Arabs, Lebanese use a lot of hand gestures. To name a few common ones, consider first the hand signal corresponding to the word Shou? meaning What? It is identified by raising the hand up and turning the fingers in half a circle.

Another popular hand movement is when someone brings the fingers together while the palm is facing upwards and lifts the hand up and down telling the interlocutor to take it easy or to speak slowly, using the term Shwey-Shwey. This same gesture can also be used to warn someone for a wrongdoing, as parents use it often with their children.

Moreover, both disagreements and drawing attention to stop an action can also be emphasized with hand gestures. People place the right hand with the palm open facing the interlocutor to mean “Stop,” or “I don’t want to hear anymore” and use the words Khalas or Bess.

Surely there are many more hand signals to learn about. As foreigners become more familiar with local customs, they can find them easy to decode.

HANDSHAKE

Zooming out of the Covid19 context, most Lebanese shake hands when greeting formally or meeting people for the first time, both in social and business settings.

However, traditional Muslim men and women refrain from shaking hands with the opposite gender. They place their right hand over the heart along with a slight head nod to acknowledge their interlocutor. Eye contact is made rather carefully, to keep the interaction respectfully suitable. To avoid any confusion, when meeting locals from the opposite sex, foreigners who are not familiar with the religious background of their Arab counterpart must wait for the latter to initiate the greeting form and hence reciprocate.

The Lebanese handshake is differentiated with a grip that’s more firm than that of the Arab world but slightly longer than that in the West, as people may commonly ask about family wellbeing and even exchange pleasantries while greeting.

POSTURE AND EYE CONTACT

Needless to say, that keeping a good posture reflects on people positively. Slouching is considered disrespectful or simply nonchalant in Arab cultures. Crossing the legs is acceptable as long as the shoe soles are not facing anyone. The upper body must be turned towards the speaker and eye contact with the interlocutor is expected to convey a message of trust and sincerity. Nevertheless, age, position, social ranking and gender are crucial factors during communications. With this in mind, throughout any given conversation, a prolonged eye contact may be interpreted as disrespectful, confrontational or bad intentioned.

PERSONAL SPACE

In the Middle East, people stand closer than in the West, with a personal space which makes foreigners sometimes uncomfortable. Lebanese don’t mind shorter distances throughout interactions and enjoy socializing in proximities that Westerners reserve for private conversations usually.

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE

Lebanese etiquette is highly influenced by the French, be it in social or business-related matters. Yet, many social behaviors are based on Arab cultural norms. Lebanese value honor, tradition, loyalty and relationships.

GREETING

In Arabic, to greet respectfully, one may say Marhaba, which corresponds to Hello. In some communities people also use the expression As Salamu Aleykom, meaning Peace be upon you, for which the reply would be Wa Aleykom As Salam, meaning Peace be upon you as well. It is also quite common to hear friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers use French greeting terms, such as bonjour and bonsoir, for manners and etiquette are highly influenced by the French norms. Locals often transform foreign words into Arabic such as Bonjour-eyn/Bonsoir-eyn, meaning double Bonjour/Bonsoir to highlight warmth and friendliness. Since the Lebanese are multilingual, they even switch between Lebanese Arabic, French and English, whence one hears the famous greeting style of Hi, Kifak, ça va? meaning Hi, how are you, good?

When foreigners want to make a good first impression however, it is highly appreciated to make an effort to speak at least some words in Arabic like the proper greeting terms such as Sabah el Kheyr for good morning, to which the reply is Sabah el noor, and Masa el Kheyr for good evening, to which the reply is Masa el noor.

LEBANESE SENSE OF HUMOR

Nothing tops the humor of the Lebanese. They enjoy cracking a joke out of every situation and find a funny side to almost every aspect. Politics, religion, economy, business, education, family relations, you name it, nothing and no subject matter can escape in terms of jokes. Recently, when the French President Macron visited the country, Lebanese were quick to create a funny joke, stating that the French Head of State, once back from his visit to Lebanon started using the local term Bonjour-eyn to greet his assistant, rather than the proper French term Bonjour, pointing out to the influence of the ‘Lebanese style’ on visitors.

Although Lebanese enjoy a good laugh about any topic, they have no intention to disrespect or mock people with their sense of humor, as they are meant to be harmless and purely for fun.

LEBANESE HOSPITALITY

Arabs are world famous for being warm, hospitable and welcoming. Lebanese culture is no exception to this norm and locals are known for being very friendly, helpful and generous. Foreign guests are warmly received and even pampered sometimes with exposure to Beirut’s world-famous nightlife. They are honored and offered the best of what is available from food to services. Hospitality comprises a lot of food-based entertainment where guests are served copious variety of meals to show respect, amiability and honor to the invitees. When invited to a Lebanese home, it is best to take a gift rather than show up empty handed. Foreign guests offering a traditional artisanal handicraft are greatly appreciated. It is also customary to offer practical gifts such as desserts, sweets or even a nice bottle of wine or champagne, should the host be tolerant of alcohol of course. However, to play it safe, it is best to err on the side of caution.

Offering something in return is not a must but rather a friendly attempt to gratify the host, build bridges or strengthen the rapport.

FAMILY ROLE

As in most Arab cultures, respect, consideration and loyalty to the family are a priority for the Lebanese patriarchal society, where the father is considered the head of the household and the mother, the goddess of her family. Both the immediate and the extended families are important and regarded as a system of support and care for all its members. The security offered by the family is regarded as the nucleus that strengthens its members, gives them peace of mind, leads them to self-growth and ultimately to success.

Family matters are sacred and may even take precedence over loyalty to friends or other obligations which may conflict with family duties.

As senior members are always honored and respected, younger generations come to realize by an early age, that caring for parents and elderlies is part of the family’s legacy.

BUSINESS ETIQUETTE

Lebanese adopt a serious attitude and a formal behavior in business settings, all the while being warm and approachable. They may even go out of their way sometimes, to be helpful and friendly, depending on the level of the negotiation or the importance of the relations.

Doing business in Lebanon entails mixing business with pleasure and establishing personal relations leads to more business prospects and safer bets. Therefore, social networking and friendly relations are key factors to successful negotiations and business deals.

MEETINGS

Meetings are held on time with a proper handshake, starting with the most senior person first, and business cards are exchanged with the right hand, once everyone is seated.
Oftentimes visitors are proposed a choice of hot or cold drinks. Sometimes Arabic coffee is served customarily along with a glass of water. In that case, accepting it would be the sensible thing to do.

Throughout business gatherings one may expect interruptions, as Lebanese rely on an open-door policy where telephone calls may selectively be answered, colleagues or assistants may walk in for a quick update or even documents may sometimes require a quick cross check. In some cases, unexpected guests may join the meeting for a while bringing up unrelated conversations and pleasantries. With patience and tactfulness, however, one might redirect the focus to the desired level of seriousness.

At the end of a business encounter, before leaving, everyone stands up to shake hands once again, which might take as long as the first one, especially if the outcome of the meeting looks promising and fruitful.

FAMILY OWNED BUSINESSES

Many successfully anchored businesses are family owned, with key positions held by family members, due either to merit or to nepotism. It is best to eschew any form of disapproval regarding this matter. Criticism, in general, must be avoided at all cost as it may be interpreted as an insult. Even constructive criticism, no matter how well-intended, is not appreciated. Foreigners should suggest their professional recommendations sensibly, making sure to mention praise and high regard for the subject matter to save face and preserve the individual’s dignity.

HONORIFICS

Courtesy titles and honorifics based on position and status are widely used in Lebanon. It is therefore important to recognize this and address people respectfully according to their social, professional, religious or political rank. Moreover, it is common to use honorific titles such as ‘Monsieur’, ‘Sheikh’, ‘Beik’, ‘Hajj’ ‘Madame’ or ‘Dr.’ while referring to people by their “First Name” rather than the title followed by the “Last Name.”

One could never say enough about Lebanon’s deeply rooted traditions and norms! Its diverse culture comprises one of the most unique lifestyles in the Arab world. It is a perfect blend of the East and the West where headscarved Muslims walk comfortably alongside women in crop tops and shorts, Mosques are built next to Churches, bombarded buildings stand next to historical monuments and where skillful professionals work hard by day and go clubbing by night before winding down at traditional homes. This is the charm of Beirut, its people, and its culture. This is Lebanon!

Contributor, Irma Vartanian Balian, founding Director of ProtocolWise ™ has lived in North America, Europe and the Middle East. Her rich cultural background, her commitment to excellence, along with her expertise in Protocol and Soft Diplomacy, equipped lrma to provide valuable advice to her clients while putting them at ease. Irma trains leaders, corporate teams, diplomats, individuals, families and professionals, both regionally and internationally with assurance and professionalism.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Kindness of the Poor

Will these orphans grow up with better manners than those they perceive to be “their betters?” — In the etiquette books there is one consideration in regard to manners that we never read about, what we owe from the example of the poor. The assumption seems to be that it is the well to do that have the best manners. Here is one of those illusions that we accept as truths simply because we don’t stop to think about them. 

A Matter That Is Overlooked and Is Not Even Mentioned in the Books on Etiquette 

ELLEN TERRY, during her last engagement here, presented a remarkably fine play from the Dutch, called “The Good Hope.” She appeared as an old fisherwoman, who gave up to the sea everything she loved in life. When loss on loss had fallen upon her, she lost her last son, her favorite, the hope of her old age, because the owners of the vessel the boy was forced to go as sailor on, to save money, failed to make reasonable provisions for safety. They had, of course, protected themselves by insurance. So to them, the foundering of the ship was of little concern. At the close of the play the old woman was seen in the office of the ship owners and was presented by one of the ship owner’s kind-hearted women folk, with a bowl of soup. Very respectfully and gratefully she accepted it. Then, slowly and with dignity, carrying the bowl in both hands, she walked out of the office, the embodiment of meek and lowly suffering. 

If Ellen Terry had done nothing else in her whole career, the way she played that little scene would have shown her to be a great actress. Only a fine and sympathetic spirit could have conceived and realized the character under such circumstances. The old woman, crossing the stage in her cheap clothes and her heavy wooden shoes, will always remain with me as one of the wonderful achievements of acting. It illustrated far more vividly than any word could do, the patience of the poor with the rich, their forbearance, their kindness. 

In Europe, the situation is more plain than in this country. I shall never forget the astonishment I felt on my first day in London when I rode in an elevator, or, as they say over there, in a “lift.” There were several others in the car. As we went from floor to floor and as some passed out, the elevator man would say, with an air of profound respect, “Thank you.” That little incident was typical of many incidents that I was to witness in England and on the Continent. They all expressed what seemed to me a strange attitude. Those people showed that they were grateful for being allowed to live. For this privilege they felt that they must show their superiors all kinds of gratuitous courtesies. 

At that time we were having the bicycle craze. I made several trips on a wheel in England and in France. It was both amusing and pathetic to note the deferential kindness of the poor wherever we went. They apparently thought because we had leisure to go tearing about the country, we must be in some way worthy of special consideration. In France, as we passed, old women would bob quaintly as we passed and say: “Good day, gentlemen and ladies.” In the etiquette books there is one consideration in regard to manners that we never read about, what we owe from the example of the poor. The assumption seems to be that it is the well to do that have the best manners. Here is one of those illusions that we accept as truths simply because we don’t stop to think about them. 

As if there could be any manners in the world worse than those that, either openly or covertly, convey the sense of patronage! For pure kindness, for the resignation of self in favor of others, there are no manners that can compare with the manners of the poor. Sometimes people complain of the familiarity of inferiors. At the slightest intimation that an inferior is growing familiar they are likely to show great resentment. But the familiarity of the poor is very slight as compared with the familiarity of the well to do in their attitude toward the poor. Indeed, advantage opens the door to all kinds of familiarity with those less fortunate, intrusion into private affairs, the asking of intimate personal questions, the giving of unsolicited advice, and the use of first names. 

One of the quickest ways by which superiority is asserted and established is by means of familiar address. But the inferior must never take the same liberties. On the contrary, the inferior must show here, as in so many other situations in life, patience and kindness. In nearly all the affairs of life, the poor are gallantly showing kindness to those more fortunate than themselves. I have even seen them give up seats in streetcars to the better dressed, though they have paid the same amount of carfare. And I have seen them show wonderful forbearance when the better dressed have betrayed annoyance or resentment at being obliged to sit beside them. 

I once heard a man, a well dressed man, too, give a fashionably attired woman a stinging rebuke for behavior of this kind. To her companion, dressed in expensive clothes like herself, she openly spoke of her annoyance at being obliged to herd with “such awful people.” “If you don’t want to herd with such awful people,” the man exclaimed, “you ought not to ride in a public conveyance. You ought to ride in your own carriage.” Of course, that man was extremely rude and the woman acted wholly within her rights when she left the car at the next street corner. Some of the ill clad who looked on smiled. But most of them merely showed astonishment.

The poor are always at a disadvantage. They are always giving to those better off. Even in church you will find them in what we call “the poorest places.” Whenever they thrust themselves forward, instead of being welcomed because of their needs, they are resented. And if, as occasionally happens, they forget their manners, they are treated as if they were habitual and outrageous offenders. The truth is that they are the most retiring and the most obliging and the kindest people in the world. They are continually reminded of what is given to them. But the world, ‘til lately, has been unaware of how much they give, how prodigal they are in their kindness! — By John D. Barry, 192

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Work of Art or Diplomatic Insult?

Segev proudly posted a close-up photo of the offending shoe-filled dessert on his Instagram account, writing: “Chocolate selection from the world by #SegevArt — A metal shoe by @tomdixonstudio” ... “The dessert was served inside a sculpture by international artist Tom Dixon, whose works are displayed in major museums around the world and for the first time was displayed in Israel at a meal. This is a high-quality piece of art made of cast metal in the shape of a shoe; it is not a real shoe,” Segev’s publicist said in a statement, according to Yediot Aharonot.

There aren’t that many cultures where putting a shoe on the dining room table is acceptable behavior, but for the Japanese there is clear etiquette against allowing outdoor shoes inside.

That might explain the furor following a visit by Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and his wife, Akie Abe, to Israel last week.

After a day of high-level meetings on May 2, the Japanese leader was treated to a festive meal at the official residence of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his wife, Sara Netanyahu. It was their second time in Israel, and the visiting couple were served a top-notch meal by celebrity Israeli chef Segev Moshe.

But then came dessert. A selection of delectable chocolate pralines - artistically arranged inside a shiny leather shoe.

Israel’s popular daily newspaper Yediot Aharonot wrote Monday that “Japanese diplomats, Israeli Foreign Ministry officials and high-ranking Israeli diplomats who previously served in Japan were shocked by the idea.”

“This was an insensitive decision,” the article quoted one unidentified senior Israeli official as saying. “There is nothing lowlier than a shoe in Japanese culture. Not only do they not wear shoes at home, you also won’t find shoes in their offices. This is disrespect of the first order.”

A Japanese diplomat, also not named by the paper, said: “There’s no culture in the world in which you put shoes on the table. What was the distinguished chef thinking? If it was humor, we don’t think it is funny; we were offended on behalf of our prime minister.”

Israel’s Foreign Ministry said in a statement that it was not involved in approving the dishes for the meal.

“We respect and appreciate the chef. He is very creative,” the ministry said.

Not an actual shoe, but a work of art filled with chocolate.

Segev’s creative side was displayed last May when President Trump visited Israel. Then, the celebrity chef served up a dessert in the shape of a double-headed Trump and Netanyahu.

On Sunday, Segev proudly posted a close-up photo of the offending shoe-filled dessert on his Instagram account, writing: “Chocolate selection from the world by #SegevArt — A metal shoe by @tomdixonstudio”

“The dessert was served inside a sculpture by international artist Tom Dixon, whose works are displayed in major museums around the world and for the first time was displayed in Israel at a meal. This is a high-quality piece of art made of cast metal in the shape of a shoe; it is not a real shoe,” Segev’s publicist said in a statement, according to Yediot Aharonot.

On Instagram, however, some of his 72,000 followers offered a different opinion:

“When you cook at a diplomatic meal, the minimum you can do is inquire about the guest. In Japan, shoes are considered contemptible, they always take off their shoes at the entrance to every home, both for themselves and for others,” wrote one person.

Another person wrote: “you don’t need to know any culture to know that serving shoes at a dinner is WRONG!” 

— From an article by R. Eglash, the Washington Post, Jerusalem 2018

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spanish Princess Charms the U.S.

 

“Grace is better than formalism. This is the moral of Eulalia’s example, and the truth applies to other things than manners. There is a good deal of formal moralism in this country that is about as useless and uncomfortable as the etiquette of old Spain.” 

Eulalia’s Example

There are many signs that the Columbian Exposition is going to affect the beginning of a radical change in many of our conventional and most cherished ideas. Begun as an industrial exposition to show the growth of the civilized world in material comfort during the last four hundred years, it has become already much more interesting from an esthetic than from an industrial point of view. 

Vast as are the wonders, and we might almost say the miracles, wrought by mechanism and electricity that are displayed at the Great Fair, the things that have most concerned the public mind have not been matters of work and energy, but matters of conduct and enjoyment. It is the ‘nude art’ and the ‘open Sunday’ that have chiefly engaged the attention of our people. The discussions that have aroused interest have not been how shall we increase wealth and multiply luxuries, but how we shall make our conventional morals conform to the growing desire for beauty and for enjoyment. 

We do not intend to go over again this morning the old arguments for or against the essential purity of beauty even when exhibited in the undraped human form, nor recall the arguments on one side or the other, concerning the use of Sunday as a holiday or a holy day. With all phases of these debates our readers are sufficiently acquainted and would hardly be grateful for another direct review of them, it will be interesting, however, to consider them for a moment indirectly, and to catch, as it were, a glimpse of them in distant perspective, seen as a background to something else that harmonizes with them and in a way illumes them. We would ask our readers, then, to consider for a moment how these old issues appear in the light of Eulalia’s example? 

The subject deserves an essay, but we can do no more than sketch the outlines. Let it be remembered how, when it was first announced that the Princess Eulalia was coming to America, there broke out everywhere a portentuous discussion as to how we should receive Spanish royalty. We heard a great deal about the formal etiquette of the majestic Court of the Escurial. Diplomatists debated who should receive her, and how and when and where. Ward McAllister issued a manifesto on the subject. Society studied and argued, and Statesmen took to gossiping about it. Everybody who would be immediately concerned in receiving the Princess, seemed to be in a nervous dread of the approaching ordeal, and when at one time it was announced that she was not coming at all because her hauteur had been offended by a lack of sufficient reverance for her august station, many of our dignitaries and our social leaders drew a breath of relief in the momentary hope that the danger was over and that our Republican manners would not be subjected to the fearful strain. 

The Princess came, however, in due season, and the trembling world of New York went out to meet her. It went prepared with bows and curtsies and genuflexions to do her honor. To the amazement of everybody, the Princess came forward and shook hands with those who welcomed her and began at once to talk like a woman who is glad to be alive. She not only showed no hauteur, but manifested a genuine Democratic expectation of a good time. She stood up on her carriage and blew kisses to a New York crowd until it nearly went crazy with rapture. She did the same thing in Washington. She never said a word about Cleveland’s not returning her call, nor raised a single question of etiquette. 

On her visit to West Point, she showed a gentle graciousness to the widow of General Grant by running back into the hotel at the last moment to shake hands with her and bid her good bye. A similar graceful act was shown on Decoration Day, when she drove out Riverside Avenue to lay with her own hands a wreath upon the tomb of Grant. She turned, moreover, from affairs of State to ordinary life with an equal gaiety. She went to the horse races and bet on the favorite. When she lost, she laughed; and when she won, she ordered the money to be given to the poor. She dined at a racing banquet merrily, and when it was over and cigars were passed round, she lit a cigarette and stayed with the company. 

In short, she has shown nothing of the conventional dignity of royalty, but everything of the natural grace of a happy and lively going womanhood. This exemplar of royal conduct, coming into the country at the exact moment when we are discussing how far conventional ideas may be thrown aside in order to give free play to the artistic and joyous faculties, cannot fail to exert a considerable influence on the public mind. How unpleasant was our conception of Spanish royalty! How pleasing has been our experience of Spanish grace! Perhaps we may learn from this that if we can get rid of our formal art and our formal Sunday, we may find in place of them a grace ot life far happier and far better for the world. 

Eulalia’s example shows what a womanhood unrestrained by conventional etiquette can do. It is a womanhood full of charm for the crowd, full of dignity for official rank, full of gentle reverence for the aged woman, full of honor for the illustrious dead, and yet withal not too high and good to love the pleasant things of life and enjoy them with all her heart. Much that she has done, will seem to our ideas more like a soubrette than a Princess, and yet it cannot be denied that it is much better than the stiff and stately etiquette that we feared. 

Grace is better than formalism. This is the moral of Eulalia’s example, and the truth applies to other things than manners. There is a good deal of formal moralism in this country that is about as useless and uncomfortable as the etiquette of old Spain. There is no reason why the growing artistic spirit of America should remain forever fettered by old ideas. There is no reason why it should not break loose from conventional trammels in this Columbian year and disport itself as freely and as gracefully for the joy of all as our royal visitor has done in her frank acceptance of our Democratic ways. — San Jose Mercury News, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1890 Fingernail Etiquette

 

The proper length of the little finger-nail in the pointed style is about a quarter of an inch.

Nail-Style Etiquette Reveals Personality and Nationality

The artist has sketched a couple of the nails of the period. One in the English style, the other, the French. The rounded nail is English, the pointed one French. These two styles are admirably symbolic of the style and conversation of the wearer. The English woman, rounded and pleasant; the French woman, remarkably pointed. The proper length of the little finger-nail in the pointed style is about a quarter of an inch. — Pall Mall Gazette, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Brazil’s Royals’ Etiquette and Jewels

The last Empress of Brazil, Thereza Christina (1822-89) was the daughter of King Francis I of the Two Sicilies and Maria Isabella of Spain. She and Pedro were married in 1842, for 46 years. She died in 1889. — Public domain photo of Teresa Cristina of the Two Sicilies 1888

Brazil’s Splendid Crown Jewels

I wonder what has become of the Crown Jewels of Brazil? They were in a large measure derived from Portugal, of which for hundreds of years, the Crown had the exclusive right to own Brazilian diamonds. Those which it did not wish to keep were sold, and their proceeds were paid into the Treasury. A great quantity were given to the churches and looted by the French when they invaded Portugal. I never saw more intensely brilliant diamonds than those of the ex-Empress, Theresa Maria and the Princess de Joinville, who is sister of the ex-Emperor, writes the Paris correspondent London Truth.

Marie de Gloria was the eldest of the four children of Pedro I, and was given a share of the regalia. Pedro I is a great-uncle of the present King of Portugal and would be Monarch of that country, if his father had not made Brazil a separate empire and settled it upon him. The first Emperor was a clever man, but had the manners of a buffoon. He was fond all his life of playing blindman’s bluff. It was hard, he thought, for a King hemmed in by etiquette, to enjoy himself unless he broke loose in a game of romps. Miguel, his brother, had the advantage of him in a handsome face, an elegant, slender figure and gentle, plausible manners. He had the grace of a feline. 

I never saw a plainer set of women than the ladies of the Empress of Brazil. Her Majesty herself was far from pretty in youth. But she improved wonderfully as she advanced in years, when her face ceased to be the shape of a long wedge, and was set round with white hair, which appeared to light it up. It grew to be a kindly and rather intelligent face. The eyes, perhaps, are too searching. They visibly seek to take the measure of those who are presented to her. She has a fine Italian voice when she speaks freely, which is not often, a guard being placed by a diplomatic Italian temper upon her lips.— Blue Lake Advocate, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Confusing Etiquette with Manners

It is a pity that the word “manners” should be confused, as it often is, with the less essential term, “etiquette.” Manners are the same the world over, while etiquette is simply a cloak which may vary according to time and place. The world is so over-stocked with so-called “books of etiquette,” all loaded with “don’ts” that no human being is likely to do, and “do’s” that are equally ridiculous, that one wearies of the word, but manners are as necessary as when, long ago, it was written “manners maketh man.”

Women’s Gym Dance Class at Buell Hall, 1901— Photo source, Pinterest 

From “The Week in San Jose Society”

The hop given on Friday evening at Library Hall was the opening one of the series given by the Misses Lewis during each season. These hops originated with the idea of giving the pupils of the dancing classes an opportunity to practice their newly learned steps with other dancers, and, in mingling with others, gain the ease and grace of manners that comes in no other way. 

It is a pity that the word “manners” should be confused, as it often is, with the less essential term, “etiquette.” Manners are the same the world over, while etiquette is simply a cloak which may vary according to time and place. The world is so over-stocked with so-called “books of etiquette,” all loaded with “don’ts” that no human being is likely to do, and “do’s” that are equally ridiculous, that one wearies of the word, but manners are as necessary as when, long ago, it was written “manners maketh man.” 

Good manners consist of a ready acknowledgment of the rights of others, a readiness to concede in the way of kindness, a cheerful readiness and evident pleasure in fulfilling all the little duties of social intercourse— pleasure in the pleasure of others. Of course, the birthplace of this teaching must be the home, but the practical application must be elsewhere, where the mingling with others is on a larger scale than the home circle affords, and where the intercourse is of a more formal nature. 

Athletics have done a great deal toward bringing young people together in a wholesome band of comradeship, but the question now is to counteract the effect of too much equality. Longfellow, in one of his poems, tells of a statue on three sides of which is the inscription “Behold,” while on the fourth side is written the warning “Be not too bold,” so, while we preach athletics we must at the same time guard against the evils they bring in their train.

Not long ago, a well known San Jose woman, who has devoted her life to the training of young people, complained of what she called “foot-ball manners.” It is, indeed, deplorable if the rosy cheeks and strong physique of this generation must be bought with a sacrifice of courtesy and chivalry. It is here that the dancing school steps in; a strong counteracting influence, where, while their bodies are acquiring grace and motion the minds of the boys and girls are being imbued with that grace of thought which wins for them the title of gentle-men and gentle-women. — San Jose Mercury News, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia