Place Card and Menu Card Etiquette

A gentleman feels free to pick up the menu card and examine it, but he always puts it back on the table where he found it, so that it serves its others at the table.

When a gentleman arrives at a dinner party. he may discover that place cards have been set out on the table. He understands that his host or hostess will have given some thought to the arrangement of the guests. He also understands that his host or hostess will have consciously decided not to seat him next to his spouse or his date for the evening, as it is assumed that there will be other times when the gentleman can enjoy that person's company.

A gentleman feels free to check out the seating arrangement, even before the entire party is called to the table. If he discovers that he has been seated next to a person whose company he does not enjoy (perhaps even a guest with whom he has had a recent argument), he may ask his host or hostess if his place card may be moved. (He does not take it upon himself to rearrange the carefully planned table.) The host or hostess may agree to make the switch, or it may turn out that the change of place may require a reseating of the entire table– a complexity the host or hostess has no time to deal with at the last minute. If that turns out to be the case, a gentleman simply bucks up and makes the best of the evening, knowing that the dinner will be over within an hour or two.

Once he is seated at his table, a gentleman may find a menu card, outlining the courses for the dinner or luncheon, in front of his plate or between him and his closest dining companion. A gentleman feels free to pick up the menu card and examine it, but he always puts it back on the table where he found it, so that it serves its others at the table. — From “A Gentleman at the Table,” John Bridges and Bryan Curtis, 2004 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dinner Seating Etiquette History

 The practice of alternating men and women at the dinner table, arrived in England from Holland in the 1600s and was known as the “Dutch” style of seating. – 17th century Dutch, steel-bladed knife and steel-tined fork, with carved ivory handles.

Up until the 19th century, the cooking area was always set well away from the main part of the house lest a cooking fire get out of control and burn everything down. Thus the food lost a good bit of heat while being carried to the dining room. Over time, what it started out as small private meals, grew into pageants in their own right. This came about in the 17th century, when absolute monarchs ruled most of Europe.

In keeping with the ethos of the era, every aspect of the King's life was made a display. Vast an elaborate meals were one way to assert power, wealth, and status, and they once again moved back into public view. But, this time, women fully participated as the bold innovation of alternating men and women at the dinner table took hold. This practice arrived in England from Holland in the 1600s and was known as the “Dutch style” of seating.

The last ingredient in the evolution of formal Victorian dining came about the early 1800's, as the combined weight of England and Russia was defeating the military genius of Napoleon. Ironically, even as the French were losing on the battlefield, they were about to emerge victorious on the culinary front. They developed a highly sophisticated culinary style, drawing in large part upon what they learned from the Italians. – From Forgotten Elegance, 2001

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spanish Business Etiquette

Who sits where at a dining table? — Students are taught how to arrange seating (Anglo-Saxon protocol has guests of honor at the head, Latin protocol has them in the middle), how to sit correctly (elbows off the table), when to smoke (not until the coffee arrives) and which knife and fork to use (start from the outside).

Minding Manners Abroad : A Finishing Touch for Businessmen in Spain

At Spain’s newest business school, young executives are learning how to peel oranges, choose French wines and greet Arab princes.

Management, marketing and accounting are out: The Academy of Manners, Customs and Behavior is strictly concerned with the social side of doing business abroad.

The academy is the brainchild of three young entrepreneurs in the northeastern region of Catalonia, who saw their foreign ventures stumble on non-commercial obstacles.

Jose Ramon Tobia, for example, could not understand why his Arab workers in Abu Dhabi would take a break every three hours and refused to work at his pace. Then someone explained about Moslem prayer schedules.

200 Students

“I knew nothing about their religion,” he said.

“I talked to my friends and we realized that there were lots of people in Spain who were not equipped to deal with the rest of the world.”

Since the businessman’s finishing school opened in May, about 200 people have taken classes. The basic course is 75,000 pesetas ($550) for 12 two-hour sessions, while specially tailored programs for executives visiting specific countries cost two or three times as much.

“Of course, joining the Common Market helped,” co-founder Mario Gargallo said. Spain entered the European Community at the start of the year.

“People are traveling more and receiving more foreign visitors, and they want to improve themselves,” he said.

The Catalans have considered themselves Spain’s most urbane citizens, drawn by culture and tradition to emulate French and Italian sophistication.

They are also Spain’s most successful and innovative business executives, and the combination has made the academy an instant hit.

The Business Lunch

“In Madrid, they do their business and then go out to celebrate,” said Gargallo. “But in Barcelona, a business lunch is for doing business.”

So the business lunch is at the heart of the syllabus.

Students are taught how to arrange seating (Anglo-Saxon protocol has guests of honor at the head, Latin protocol has them in the middle), how to sit correctly (elbows off the table), when to smoke (not until the coffee arrives) and which knife and fork to use (start from the outside).

Then they progress to trickier subjects: peeling unshelled prawns and choosing the right wines.

The academy’s wine instructor, writer and restaurateur Jose Maria Gotarda, spends much of his time correcting misconceptions.

“The most common mistake is thinking that because a wine is older, it must be better,” he said.

“In fact, a Rioja from 1981, which was one of the great years, is far superior to a 1973, which was very bad.”

Gargallo said the restaurants and hotels where they hold their courses confirmed that Spanish table manners leave a lot to be desired.

“Head waiters always tell us that at a reception, the English and the Germans wait to be offered hors d’oeuvres while the Spaniards throw themselves on the food,” he said.

Pupils also have to be prepared for different eating habits abroad. The prospective traveler to Britain, for instance, is told not to be surprised by a cooked breakfast and to eat it, or risk hunger later.

Punctuality

The academy has specialists on all major foreign countries and some companies have sent along groups of employees. One Japanese multinational firm this month ordered lessons for five of its Spanish staff members who will travel to Japan soon.

But can the academy succeed in making Spaniards what they evidently are not?

“We don’t want Spaniards to be punctual like the English,” said Tobia. “But when they go to a business meeting with an Englishman, we want them to get there on time.”

He and his partners now have ambitious plans for expansion. They intend to open branches next year in Madrid, Valencia, Seville and Oviedo, and are looking at buying their own restaurant in Barcelona to serve as a venue for classes.

They have even been approached by parents who would like courses in manners and etiquette for their children.

“Twenty years ago, we had to study manners at school,” said the academy’s Fernando Lizcano de la Rosa, head of protocol at the Barcelona town hall.

“People no longer know how to shake hands with the king and they want to learn how to do things properly,” he said. — From Reuter’s, Barcelona, Spain 1986

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Dinner Party Etiquette Do’s and Don'ts

What type of dinner party will you be inviting guests to? An alfresco candlelight party on the patio?  A formal dinner party in your dining room? — “Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.”

A few years ago, Dorothea Johnson, former etiquette writer for the Washington Star and entertainment lecturer for the Foreign Service Institute, received an invitation to “A Party.”

“It said, ‘Regrets only,’ but I phoned the hostess anyway to ask her what kind of party it was,” Johnson recounted at a recent lecture, “and she said, ‘Oh, just a party.’ I asked her, ‘What should I wear?,’ and she said, ‘Oh, anything.’ So I asked, ‘What are you wearing?’

“ ‘Oh, I haven’t given it a thought,’ came the reply.”

Johnson said she got out her I’m-not-sure dress, which is a basic black, “and my husband saw it and got out his I’m-not-sure suit— a three-piece gray.” They arrived at the party only to discover everyone else there dressed more casually “except a liaison from the British Embassy who said, ‘I say, aren’t we overdressed?’ ”


Hostesses should be kinder to their guests, said Johnson, a veteran of countless parties here and in the 20 other posts where her Marine family has been stationed.

More Than When and Where

Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.

All of this information should be issued by phone, she said. “I lecture to people in the diplomatic corps, and all over the world hostesses are having trouble with invitations. I haven’t sent out an invitation in eight years.”

Reminder in Mail

Instead, she gets a yes or no by phone, and then follows up with a reminder in the mail about a week before the party, giving the same details and including a map for newcomers. She issues the telephone invitation one to two months in advance because “around here, you have to get your bid in early.”

Then she gets out her calendar and breaks down the preparation for the party into several steps, doing as much as possible in the days and weeks before the party occurs.

“I try to do almost nothing the day of the party, so I can be relaxed for my guests,” she said. She said this is the key to a good party. “If you’re relaxed, your guests will be relaxed and will leave your place happy.”

It’s easier to stay relaxed if you start with the kind of party with which you’re most comfortable, she said.

“You don’t need to copy your neighbor or your friend, although I’m not above stealing a good idea here and there.”

Keep Menu Simple

She also emphasized that the food one prepares is not the key to a successful party. “If the food is splendid or elaborate, but you’re a nervous wreck, what do you think your guests will remember?” Simple food that can be prepared in advance and heated up quickly does best, and no more than three courses are necessary (main dish, salad and dessert).

You should also check with your guests before planning the menu, especially if you plan to serve foods that may be taboo to many: pork, seafood, foods cooked or soaked with liquor.

Johnson avoids serving fowl with bones (“I don’t think guests should have to struggle with it”) and anything that requires cutting, if the party is a buffet. “I’ve seen too many accidents happen when people hold their plates on their laps and try to cut,” she said.

Some Washington hostesses she interviewed for her column confessed that they use the same menus every year and that it doesn’t bother them. “They say that people don’t come for the food, anyway.”

Party Pointers

Here are some of Johnson’s party props:

— Pink light bulbs. “These make the women look beautiful and the men look handsome, and hide the dust,” she said.

— Tablecloths. She makes them out of inexpensive cotton or sheets on sale, and protects them from dripping wax by charring her candles before the party (lighting them, blowing them out and pinching off the charred wick). She also wards against spills from hot drinks by filling cups no more than three-quarters full--and serving them in the living room, if possible.

A last safety precaution is to set the table first with service plates— large glass plates that remain on the table throughout the changes of course. “I was once complimented on my fine Swedish crystal plates until I just couldn’t stand it,” she said, “and had to confess that they’re Pyrex pizza plates I bought for $1.29 each from the PX (post exchange).”

— Menus. Johnson writes out a copy on anything from informal note paper to paper bags (for a picnic) and places them between the place settings.

— Seating. She makes up a chart ahead of time and uses place cards, because she believes that saying, “Oh, just sit anywhere,” means you don’t care. Another Washington hostess uses place cards as a conversation piece. “She makes up clever names for each of her guests,” Johnson explained. “I’m always Emily Post Jr. A retired Naval officer was the Old Man of the Sea, and one fellow--a really shy man--was the Swinger.”

— Guests of honor. Honoring a special friend is a great excuse for a party, Johnson said. Remember that an honored male guest sits on the hostess’s right and an honored female guest to the right of the host. The place of honor in the living room, she said, is the right-hand side of the couch--a place that more than one unfortunate member of the diplomatic corps has unknowingly usurped, she reported.

Soup in Cups

— Hors d’oeuvres. Johnson doesn’t serve these anymore, substituting a soup course that she serves in cups while her guests are still in the living room.

— Buffet. A clever way to bring people to the buffet line is to slip the men names of women they are to escort, she said, or draw seasonal decorations (such as Christmas trees and shamrocks), cut them in patterns down the middle and have the two genders match up the halves. “That way married couples don’t always sit together.”

Johnson also advises hostesses to try sitting everywhere they expect their guests to sit (including the floor) to see if it’s comfortable —and reliable (“I’ve seen chairs break on guests”)— and serving beverages from a tray after everyone’s been served their food rather than have people balance a plate, silverware, napkin and glass as they wander about looking for a place to sit.

— Conversation. She advises using Eleanor Roosevelt’s trick with the alphabet: “She’d start with ‘A’ and think, apples— Aren’t the apples lovely this year? If that bombs, she’d go to ‘B,’ books —Has anyone read any good books lately? One night, they say, she got home and told F.D.R. about a terrible evening— she’d gotten all the way to ‘W’!”

She also helps ensure good conversation by never inviting only people from the same office or occupation and inviting “at least one new couple” to every party.

— Working women. She’s seen some splendid parties done all with carryout food, “and nobody knew but the hostess and me.” By setting the table the night before and coming home early enough to dump the carryout into pots and scoop ice cream into fancy dishes, you can pull off an elegant party--without having to ask your guests to help. — By Deborah Churchman, The Christian Science Monitor, Washington 1985

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Medieval Seating and Dining

 The origins of modern day seating arrangements for dining. — “As a rule, one knife had to serve for two people, and often a bowl of soup was used by two persons. For this reason the party giving the dinner arranged his guests in couples, trying to place people together who would be congenial and not adverse to this common use of table appointments.”— Image source, Pinterest

A description of a dinner given in 1350 shows that there has been a vast improvement in table manners since then:

As a rule, one knife had to serve for two people, and often a bowl of soup was used by two persons. For this reason the party giving the dinner arranged his guests in couples, trying to place people together who would be congenial and not adverse to this common use of table appointments. Spoons were seldom supplied to the guests, and the soup was drunk directly from the bowl, the latter usually having side handles by which it was held. 

In less refined company, there were no separate soup bowls, only one large porringer, which was passed around to the guests in turn. The diners helped themselves to the pieces of meat they desired from the common dish with their fingers. Napkins were considered a luxury, and were only provided in very aristocratic and wealthy families.—Philadelphia Inquirer, 1903

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Seating Arrangement Etiquette

Separate husbands and wives. They should never be seated side by side at a dinner or luncheon table. 

“Ring Around a Rosy” ...  and they all had a seat!

 Have hostess and host at foot and head of table respectively. Alternate men and women about the table.

Nancy and Lois were eating in a down town tea room and began to comment on the way in which people grouped themselves at the tables. They finally drew diagrams of the way folks should seat themselves. They saw two gentlemen come in with two ladles. The waitress showed them to a round table. The two men sat side by side and the two women side by side. True, this gave each lady a gentleman on one side of her but the table could better have been arranged so that each lady had a gentleman on each side. 

The top arrangement shows the diagram which Nancy drew. Then they watched another group of six who were seated at an oblong table. Evidently it was a party and the lady and gentleman who were entertaining had two husbands and wives as their guests. By seating them as shown in the lower diagram it was possible to do all these things which are socially correct: Have hostess and host at foot and head of table respectively. Alternate men and women about the table.

Separate husbands and wives. They should never be seated side by side at a dinner or luncheon table. The lady who was hostess has a gentleman at either side of her and the host has a lady on either side of him. The lady who sits on his right is the wife of the man who sits on the hostess’ right, and the lady on his left is the wife of the man who sits on the hostess’ left. – Florence LaGanke as “Nancy Page” for the San Pedro Pilot, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia