Etiquette of Influential Conversation

When a hostess has paired her guests before a dinner and each man seeks the woman assigned to him he usually says: “I believe that I am to have the pleasure of taking you in to dinner” and she has but to bow and smile while accepting his arm, and may say in a voice of perfunctory politeness: “I am very glad,” or if she wish to be very complimentary may venture “I am fortunate,”

Talk That Influences

It is a form of influence to pass on in conversation whatever one has read or heard that may be helpful and inspiring to others. Many an important resolve taken in the course of one's life has been greatly influenced by what one has heard in a chance conversation.

We may do much in the cause of truth and kindliness without advertising our motive or sounding a trumpet before us. With an art that conceals art we may lead the conversation away from scandal and innuendo into channels pure and peaceable. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh"-therefore the source must be right. Fearlessly but never aggressively should we defend our convictions and "show our colors." Preaching is out of place. Society is not a school, but a playground where people meet to exchange ideas and forget their work and their worries. Most of them have to work hard in some way or other and need relaxation.

The Early Stages of Conversation

The preliminary stages of conversation offer the principal difficulty- “the dread of silence makes us mute.” The weather seems to have perennial interest. Why may not one treasure a few bits of stories apropos of that much-worn topic, to be brought out upon occasion? For instance, someone speaks of the variability of the weather, whereupon one right tell of the lady whose physician advised for her change of climate. “Why, doctor, you forget that I am a New York woman; I never have anything but changes!” was her rejoinder. At least it is better than mere acquiescence, and when people have laughed together the ice is broken. It is possible to have at one's tongue's end some trifling things of interest on various subjects, but the supply needs frequent renewal.

Conversation at Dinners

There are moments when the embarrassment of silence is relieved by the knowledge that nothing but the veriest commonplaces are expected. When a hostess has paired her guests before a dinner and each man seeks the woman assigned to him he usually says: “I believe that I am to have the pleasure of taking you in to dinner” and she has but to bow and smile while accepting his arm, and may say in a voice of perfunctory politeness: “I am very glad,” or if she wish to be very complimentary may venture “I am fortunate,”

It is usually the man who takes the initiative and the woman who bears the burden of the conversation. On the way to the dining room they may improve the occasion or not, as they please. There is sometimes an awkward pause at the beginning of the meal before the company seem to have adapted themselves to their surroundings and to each other. A hostess blessed with tact will know how to set the ball rolling, perhaps with something of interest treasured for the occasion.

Each person at table should endeavor to make himself or herself agreeable to both neighbors, as opportunity serves. General conversation is only who have the reputation of being talkers must be careful not to overshadow others, if they would give pleasure. A fluent talker is apt to be over-eager to say what he has in his mind and his conversation often becomes a monologue. A professional talker is a professional bore.

At table he should not engross one's neighbor by conversation, however charming, so that he is unable to satisfy his appetite and in some measure to appreciate what his hostess has been at pains to provide. Courtesy excludes the introduction of all subjects calculated to excite heated argument, unpleasant discussion or anything that may be obnoxious to any one present.

Upon the return of the men to the drawing room to rejoin the ladies there is sometimes an awkward moment. A suggestive opening may be to carry on the central idea of the talk just con- cluded in the dining room. A man may say "We have been having a most interesting discussion since you left us," and the lady may ask. "What have you men been talking about that called forth such spontaneous laughter?" It is un- necessary to add that gentlemen do not discuss in the neighborhood of ladies matters that could not be repeated in their hearing and it is a rule that should work both ways. ssary

Compliments

The famous Mme. Recamier said that she always found two words sufficed to make her guests feel their welcome. Upon their arrival she exclaimed "At last!" and when they took leave she said "Already?" If taken literally we should deprecate the flattery. Flattery is insincere praise hand takrongs him sometimes that and that kinder to accept a compliment than to parry it. One may say "Thank you, it is pleasant to be seen through such kind (or partial) eyes," or perhaps, "It is a comfort to know that friendship is partly, blind as well as the mythological boy," or any nonsense that serves to show that one appreciates the spirit that prompted the kind expressions, however wide of the truth. The frequent repetition of the name of the person addressed holds a subtle compliment, implying more complete concentration of the speaker's thought upon his or her personality.

Good Listeners

De Quincey says: “More is done for the benefit of conversation by the simple magic of good manners than by all varieties of intellectual power.” It is the sympathetic and responsive listeners that call forth the best efforts of a talker. For such are reserved his choicest stories, his finest thoughts. A kindling of the face, a flash of the eye, a ready smile… — Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co., 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Tips for Conversation

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass- “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

AS conversation bears so important a part in social intercourse that some attempt toward it is made whenever we meet our fellows, it is strange that we are not all more proficient. It has been suggested that we have reason to be grateful that we have a few conversational formulae, to be used under certain circumstances, such as “How do you do?” “Good-by," “Thank you,” “You are very kind,” “I should be delighted.” Fancy the mental strain, if, Instead of these, we had to invent some new combination of words to suit each occasion.

The charm of agreeable conversation is appreciated by all, while its cultivation is within the reach of each, and we may be our own tutors. Nothing so quickly opens hospitable doors, and in its influence it may be an evangel.

Some of the Essentials of Good Conversation

One of its essentials is a well-modulated voice, which always seems a distinguishing mark of gentlehood. Much has been said about our high-pitched voices, but it will bear reiteration, since it is in our power to change them. All feel the charm of the softly musical voices of Englishwomen. They are like some sweet-toned bell, while a few among us recall the "ear-piercing fife." A gentleman, upon escaping from the infliction of such a one, quoted to his friend, "And silence like a poultice comes To heal the blows of sound!"

We should aim, too, to speak our language in its purity -“English undefiled” - and with clear, clean-cut enunciation. There is a cosmopolitan language spoken among educated people everywhere- “their speech betrayeth them.” By it we judge their culture, their refinement, their social position. Provincialism and slang are not less a revelation of the absence of these advantages. 

The subject suggests Coleridge’s well-known story of the stranger at a dinner who passed for a dignified and worthy personage until his pleasure at the excellence of the dumplings caused him to break the silence that had won him the reputation of wisdom by exclaiming, “Them’s the jockeys for me!” No matter what his moral character, whether saint or hero, his mental caliber, his rusticity of breeding, stood confessed. In cases less extreme the influence would be as conclusive. None should be able to tell by accent or intonation from what part of the country we come.

The French know their language so thoroughly that they use it with the precision and sensitiveness with which a cultivated musician plays upon his instrument. English is more comprehensive, and, well selected, it can fitly express any mood and meet every requirement, but few of us know its resources and have them at command.

Charm in Conversation

Entertaining conversation is not alone dependent upon a well-stored mind, a ready wit or broad culture. It lays under contribution qualities of heart as well as head, and should reveal sincerity, sympathy and simplicity. We must feel an interest in our subject before we can inspire it in others, and enthusiasm is contagious when it is sincere. It gives animation to the face, vivacity to the manner and has a thought-compelling power that adds fluency of expression. 

This and the gushing exuberance that speaks only in superlatives are “many miles asunder.” Sympathy and adaptability are created in a measure by the desire to please; but one must be sensitive to the mood of one’s audience, and quick to perceive when someone else wishes to speak. There are talkers who, metaphorically, take the bit between their teeth and run away with the subject. When they finally cease, no one has anything to say, despairing of opportunity. Unselfishness lies at the root of sympathy.

Subjects of Conversation

The subjects of interesting conversation are, of course, multiplied by increased knowledge of books, of the world of men and women, music, art and travel. One should be familiar with the current news of the day and the topics occupying public attention, with the names and authors of the new books, and be able to say something worth hearing about what one has read and heard. Many get no farther in speaking of a book than that it is dull or interesting. Others give in few words what seem to be its central ideas, its characteristics, the time and scene of its action, quoting perhaps some sentiment that has impressed or witticism that has pleased.

One's conversation may become the center around which one’s reading and information are grouped. The habit of memorizing with a definite aim in view, and the consciousness of having something to say, give a sense of power. Practice arouses and strengthens the habit of ready selection and quick and apt application.

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass - “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

The mind grows shallow when perpetually occupied with trivialities. A course of solid reading is a good tonic. When ignorant of our ignorance, we do not know when we betray ourselves. It is better to be frankly dull than pedantic. Not exhibition but service is imposed by superior talent or advantages.

Some persons give an opinion as though their verdict were absolute and final. Dogmatism has been defined as “puppyism come to maturity.” Others hold forth with oracular vagueness, but convey few ideas, as though they were educated above their intelligence. One must guard one’s self from the temptation of “talking shop,” as the slang of the day expresses it, and of riding one's “hobby.” Our interest is apt to blind us to the lack of it in others. It comes under the reproach of “bad taste,” as does also the retailing of family affairs. 

The sanctity of home life should be guarded by us with a self-respecting reticence. A bore has been described as “one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.” The sarcasm aside, whatever sets one apart as a capital “I” should be avoided. Anecdotes that are supposed to be of interest because connected with ourselves should be reserved for our intimates. Our troubles annoy those whom they do not sadden. 

Let us only pass upon pleasant things. A joke or humorous story is dependent upon its freshness for appreciation; some emotions will not bear “warming over.” A foreign phrase for which there is no exact equivalent in English seems occasionally to give point, finish or adornment to a sentence, but one must be wary of assuming that it is untranslatable. It is bad form to use foreign expressions unless they be idiomatic and pronounced with correct accent.

It is now a well-established and accepted canon of good form that only pleasant things are to be said of any one. An ill-natured criticism is a social blunder as well as a moral one. “Though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, it profiteth us nothing” - in good society.

Gossip and Exaggeration

Gossip, too, is really going out of fashion. Any one self-convicted hastens to retract whatever may give the impression that one has indulged in anything so vulgar and plebeian. It has a corrective and an inspiring influence to imagine the persons spoken of to be within hearing.

Exaggeration is misstatement, which is untruthfulness. It often does as much harm as a deliberate lie, and is not as honest. True wit is a gift, not an attainment. Those who use it aright never yield to the temptation of saying anything that can wound another in order to exhibit their own cleverness. It is natural and spontaneous. “Those who run after wit are apt to catch nonsense.” Talk that has heartiness in it and the liveliness and sparkle that come of light-heartedness and innocent gayety is a fairly good substitute for wit.  - Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co., 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Victorian Era Etiquette at Dinner Tables and Small Talk

A lady is entitled to special attention from her escort, but she should not monopolize his time. In other words, “Don't talk his ear off.”

Long stories are to be avoided, and so is the habit of asking questions; but there is a subtle way of wishing, or, at least, of being willing to hear more that gives the inflection without being too interrogative; and if it be not expedient to tell all we know in response to its gentle insinuation, it does not compel an ungracious refusal or a chilling reticence. 

A lady is entitled to special attention from her escort, but she should not monopolize his time. Not merely the pairing but the grouping of guests is considered by an accomplished hostess, and a lady may exercise her conversational graces impartially to right and left and likewise across the table, provided its width and adornments do not interfere; but neither in front of nor behind an intervening guest should anybody attempt to converse. When a word or sentence to one so separated suggests itself, the intervening person should be included in the conversation. In other words, the conversation becomes general to a lesser or greater extent, according as the subject under discussion may interest those present. 

Architecture may be frozen music to you in the most rigid sense, and you may be seated next to some one who draws out its harmonies in grand and classic shapes, and to whose latest triumphs the company may allude in brief but pleasing terms. You feel called upon to add something to the general tribute, but can think of nothing apt. Said a young girl who was thus placed, “I could not think of anything to say that would indicate an intelligent knowledge of the subject and I did not feel privileged to lead the conversation from the channel in which it had been directed, so I could only speak of a mite of a country house which always comes to mind because of the beautiful roses that grow all about it and seem intent upon surmounting its diminutive height. I scarcely know how it happened, but in a very short time he was telling me how artistically the rose works into decorative purposes, and from that passed to other things until I felt the subject to be more interesting than I ever supposed it could become to one who knows next to nothing about architecture, and who cannot become familiar with it.”

Such a frank avowal is not discreditable to one who has tact enough to make up for it, and tact quite often takes the place of many qualities commonly supposed to belong to the mental equipments of bright women. It made a good listener in the instance referred to, and it gave a good talker the opportunity to air his gifts agreeably.                 

It is not permissible to seem otherwise than happy and content.

Worries and all disquieting subjects should not be mentioned outside the circle they affect, and even though one may have but just emerged from a sea of them, it is not permissible to seem otherwise than happy and content. 

There must have been some unexplained condition attached to the circumstances which led to the question, “Is it proper to thank a servant for a service rendered,” because well-bred people instinctively acknowledge the slightest service; but the question came to us as quoted and in that form we answer it. By all means thank a servant for replacing a dropped napkin, a knife or fork, for bringing you anything not at hand or for doing anything you may require; but do not assume the air or attitude of wishing the company to understand that you are punctilious in such matters. “Thank you,” in a low tone, a gratified but not a familiar nod of approval or a gracious acceptance of what you desire is all that is needed. 

A lady is not often called upon to say “thank you” in such circumstances, because a well-bred man is always on the alert to direct attention to her wants. It is her prerogative to acknowledge both favor and service with a smile, which need not part the lips, but which expresses her appreciation as effectually and with less formality than even a simple, “thank you.” 

The habit of clipping words perhaps explains why “thanks,” passes current for the finer and more gracious “thank you.” The intimacy of “chums” permits the use of the abbreviated form, but the general adoption of such scant verbiage is as objectionable as verbosity; and if the question, “should one say ‘thanks’ to servants” were asked, the answer would be emphatically, no, unless you wish to suggest that all social difference between you and them is removed. 

In taking leave of your entertainers, be gracious but not effusive in expressing your pleasure. It is to your hostess that you will make acknowledgment in a few words. Just what they shall be, no pen can write and few people need be told; but they will give the impression that you have enjoyed your evening. Beware—this to the young —that your words do not savor of the fact that your enjoyment has been a surprise to yourself. To youth is also addressed this injunction: do not attempt to compliment your hostess upon her menage. 

A lady is not often called upon to say " thank you " in such circumstances, because a well-bred man is always on the alert to direct attention to her wants.

Verbally expressed compliments of any kind are rarely the prerogative of the young. If the hostess be your dearest school-friend, tell her privately, when you are admitted to a boudoir chat, how much you admire her qualities as housewife and hostess; but do not allow your appreciation to effervesce when she is doing her best to bear her blushing honors with meekness and dignity, for it is a hard combination for a young hostess to sustain.

“Although I have remained late, the evening has seemed very short,” says one; “Time is very unkind, and so I must say ‘good evening,’” says another. A matron who has enjoyed years of complete social success extends her hand to a younger entertainer and says, “Before saying adieu, let me thank you for a most delightful evening;” but she does not prolong her leave-taking further than to add a brief good-night. 

There was a time when appreciation of the dinner was expressed in the leave-taking, but the custom does not prevail among men and women of the younger generation. It was a pleasing and proper acknowledgment when an invitation to one's table signified the most sacred form of social hospitality, but though an invitation to dine still suggests a desire for some degree of social intimacy, the giving of dinners has grown to be more of a formality since that time.— From “Good Manners,” 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia