Meeting Servants Outside the Home

American cooking expert and teacher, Fannie Farmer, was the first cookbook author to use strict standardized measurements. Called “the mother of level measurements,” Fannie helped popularize a more scientific approach to cooking and housekeeping, and inspired doctors and nurses with her innovative teachings on convalescent diet and nutrition. Her legacy is the renowned, late 19th century, “Fannie Farmer Cookbook.” – Photo source, Pinterest

“A suburban bachelor” writes to a London periodical begging to be informed on a question of etiquette — “How to greet one’s irreproachable maid servant on meeting her as occasionally happens on the highway.” “I smile suavely,” he confesses; “so does Ann or Ellen. But they no more than myself are reconciled to an incongruous position. How do you manage, my brethren?” This question seems absurdly simple. Why not smile and nod, with or without a civil, “How d’ye do?” or “Well, ‘Ann.’ or ‘Ellen.’” as one’s amiability or temperament dictates. That salutation ought not to be too friendly, not yet too incongruous.

The discussion gives point to a recent little experience of a New Yorker. He is a suburban householder from May to November, and the other day, a week’s unpleasantness on the part of the cook of his domain terminated in an intolerable impertinence one morning, just as he was leaving the house to catch a train for the city. He stopped long enough to interfere on his wife’s behalf, and sternly dismissed the delinquent maid coming in, telling her as a final word on no account to let him find her in his house when he should come home at night. Then he caught his train, and in the press of office affairs forgot all about the mornings moil. 

As he was leaving the car in the evening, however, he saw a woman of genteel appearance, whose face was strangely familiar, waiting at the station to board an inbound train which had just arrived. As their eyes met there came over her countenance the peculiar expression, which means, ‘I don’t believe you’re going to recognize me!’ and thinking it was someone whom he knew, but could not place, he hurried forward with a cordial salutation. 

He was about to take her satchel and assist her on the train when the curious familiarity of her appearance resolved itself into identity, and he saw that she was his late-cook. “Which gave me,” he said telling about it, “the comfortable sensation one has, to be left facing the onlookers after a run down a ferry bridge, to catch a retreating boat and finding the jump too wide.” — The New York Times, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Polite Treatment of Domestic Servants

Servants treated with suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the charm and value of this?

Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of justice, religion and humanity, is also a source of peace and pleasure. Servants treated with suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the charm and value of this?

Duties of this class require that you should never command your domestics with hauteur and harshness. Every time that they render you a service, it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look of thankfulness; it requires that you should be still more affectionate towards the domestics of your acquaintances, and especially towards those of your friends, whom you ought always to treat kindly. 

As to your own domestics, you should carefully beware of addressing to them any confidential or even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them insolent or familiar; but propriety requires you to listen to them with kindness, and give them salutary advice when it is for their interest.

It commands us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order to be able, when there is cause, to reprove them with firmness, without being obliged to have recourse to the false energy of anger.

The ton of domestics ordinarily announces that of their masters. Never suffer them to remain seated while answering distinguished persons who ask for you. Take care that they do it always in a civil and polite manner; let them lose no time, if there is occasion, in relieving your visitors of their over-shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, etc... let them go before, to save your visitors the trouble of opening and shutting the door. 

When an announcement is made, let them inform themselves respectfully of the name of the person, and pronounce it while holding open for them the door of your room. If you are not there, let them offer a seat, requesting the guests to wait a moment while they go to call you.

When visitors take leave, domestics ought to manifest a promptness in opening the outer door; they should hold the door by the handle, while you converse with the person whom you reconduct; they should present them respectfully with whatever garments they may have thrown off, and aid them in again putting them on; and should, if occasion requires, light them to the door, going slowly behind them.

Accustom your domestics never to appear before you too poorly, or too much dressed; never to sit in your presence, especially while waiting upon the table; not to enter into conversation; never to answer by signs, or in coarse terms.

It is only among the badly educated people of the small towns that they say, the 'maid,' the 'boy,' the 'domestic,' the 'servant;' and among the proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the 'lackey,' the 'valet,' 'my people;' well-bred persons simply say, the 'nurse,' the 'cook,' the 'chamber-maid,' etc... and what is still better, they designate their domestics by their Christian names.— Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Conduct for Keeping Good Servants

The proper costumes for a Chambermaid and a Lady’s Maid... It is not just a servant whose conduct needs to be superior. It is important for the mistress of the home to model exemplary behavior to those she employs. – “Let your servant observe in your conduct just the qualities and virtues that you would desire they should possess and practice toward you. Be liberal with food. Housework is a very hungry calling, so don’t grudge your servants a share of the various dainties you press upon your family and visitors.”

How to Secure Good Servants 

Just try to remember that servants have feelings as well as yourself. When their work is done, give them a word of praise, so that they see that you appreciate  their efforts, and see to it that they have time to do their mending and to get out a little for a change of scene. Borne mistresses do not realize how dreary the common round of a domestic servant is. Let your servant observe in your conduct just the qualities and virtues that you would desire they should possess and practice toward you. 

Be liberal with food. Housework is a very hungry calling, so don't grudge your servants a share of the various dainties you press upon your family and visitors. Don’t expect your servant to execute half a dozen errands for you when she is out for her own pleasure. She doesn't like it; neither does her sweetheart. Remember when you engage a maid, that you are making a contract. State clearly the duties which you expect her to perform and in this way avoid contention arising afterward from misunderstandings. 

Show every kindness to your servant, but from the first be firm in correcting things you dislike, then she will see that you are mistress and not attempt that undue liberty which later on is so difficult to check. Give your servant a reasonable stated time “out,” and if you will help her to start out, in good time you will find that she will more readily come in on time. If it is your fault that she is late going out, it is hardly fair to blame her for being late in returning.

Never accept notice from a servant in a huff nor give one notice when you are angry with her. A mistress is often unjust when she is angry. Allow yourself sufficient time to think the matter over calmly before deciding whether notice is to be given or not. A few kind words and a bit of good advice from a mistress, will go ten times further toward making a good maid, than all the grumbling in the world. Remember a servant is not a machine, but that she is a human being with varying moods and failings like her mistress. – San Diego Union, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Upstairs-Downstairs Etiquette Snafu

Not all cooks were keen to teach their skills to any of those living “upstairs” —When a servant is engaged, he enters the house for the first time through the front door. After that he regards the back door as his sole means of entrance and exit.

Mistress Fined for Invading Her Own Kitchen! 

LONDON, July 17.—There is no etiquette so strict as that which dominates London life “below stairs.” With all the upheavals of the world war, the dignity of cooks and butlers remains unassailed. 

A case was recently heard in the court wherein a cook took offense because the mistress invaded the kitchen and insisted on cooking some mutton chops herself. The insulted culinary queen immediately gave notice, and in this she was joined by her husband, the butler. Whereupon the mistress locked the back door and thus got herself sued for “wrongful imprisonment.” 

During the hearing of the case the judged asked why, if the mistress had only locked the back door, did not the couple go out by the front. The cook and butler nearly collapsed at the suggestion. “That,” said the butler, painfully surprised at the judge’s ignorance, “is against all kitchen etiquette. When a servant is engaged, he enters the house for the first time through the front door. After that he regards the back door as his sole means of entrance and exit. No self-respecting servant would dream of leaving his employer’s house by the front door!”

On inquiry, it was found that the etiquette ruling such matters was a very real thing to the circle of overlords and underlings of the kitchen, and the aggrieved pair were allowed £5 damages. — Los Angeles Herald, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Treatment of Servants

Policy, as well as good breeding, inculcates the necessity of gentle treatment and courteous behavior to servants... though your parents may not want you to marry one of them.

There is no surer sign of ill breeding and ill feeling than the rude treatment of dependents. The obligation of civility to servants should be inculcated especially upon the young American, who ought to learn at the earliest period that the accidental relation of advantage of position, which is ever alternating in a country free from prescriptive right, gives no title to a haughty demeanor and a domineering conduct.

The recognition of the mutual obligation of master and man, and mistress and maid, is a certain sign of the true gentleman and lady, who will never exact from those temporarily placed in subjection to them the civility they are unwilling to bestow. The “thank you,” “please,” and other courteous expressions of a kindly consideration of the obligation of the employer to the employed, will be freely proffered by all who are fully conscious of their social duties and willing to acknowledge them.

Policy, as well as good breeding, inculcates the necessity of gentle treatment and courteous behavior to servants, who will seldom fail to respond with a more zealous service and a readier obedience to exactions and commands rendered less harsh and domineering by a soft word and a subdued mastery. –From How to Behave and How to Amuse, by G. H. Sandison, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia