Etiquette: Praising vs Complaining

Constructive criticism and complaints can help companies grow. Business experts agree that finding out about employees with poor behavior can save a business money, and customers, in the long run. After all, poor behavior cannot be corrected if the management staff is unaware of the behavior. – “The managers I have talked to are generally responsive to customers' complaints, and tend to deal fairly with the employee who has been criticized. I talked to the headwaiter at a good restaurant, who said that the waiters and waitresses were allowed three minor infractions before dismissal.”

Complaining isn't always bad manners…

Is it necessary to put up with bad service in the name of politeness?

I say, "No."

Take the case of the two young women who had just finished a large lunch at a nationally franchised restaurant. They decided that they'd each like to have a hot fudge sundae, so they called the waitress over.

"We'd each like a hot fudge sundae," said Girl One.

The waitress looked perplexed. "Your checks are both full. I don't have any room to write down the sundaes."

"Why don't you put both of our sundaes on a new check?" asked Girl Two.

"I can't, because the rules say that two people's orders can't be on one check," replied the waitress.

Girl One: "Why don't you give us each a second check?"

Waitress: "The rules say each customer can only have one check."

Silence. Then Girl Two said, "You mean we can't have any hot fudge sundaes?"

"I guess not," said the waitress.

I watched this Alice in Wonderland dialogue, and was surprised when the girls decided to deal with the waitress' incompetence by not leaving a tip. Instead of leaving without their sundaes, they should have discreetly explained the situation to the manager.

Then there was the case of the woman who called the coat department of a store to ask about a specific coat. She got a clerk on the phone, who immediately said, "Hold on a minute, I've got a customer." After 10 minutes the woman on the phone got the idea the clerk wasn't coming back, so she decided to go downtown to look at the coat in person.

When she got in the store she recognized that she was talking to the same clerk who had held her on the phone.

"I'd like to ask about that raincoat," said the woman. Just then the phone rang and the clerk said, "Just a minute, I've got to answer the phone." You guessed it. She didn't come back. After 10 minutes the disgruntled customer left the store without any information. That was a mistake.

It's unfortunate to have to make complaints, but it's not bad manners. When you pay for services, you deserve to get them. It's important, however, that you don't lower yourself by indulging in sarcasm, yelling or name calling when making a complaint to the offender or his or her boss.

In some cases going over someone's head to complain to the boss is the only fair thing to do. If you want to discuss poor merchandise, it makes more sense to talk to the buyer or customer service. In a restaurant, ask for the owner or manager.

The managers I have talked to are generally responsive to customers' complaints, and tend to deal fairly with the employee who has been criticized. I talked to the headwaiter at a good restaurant, who said that the waiters and waitresses were allowed three minor infractions before dismissal. He gave throwing matches at a customer or being short as examples of prohibited behavior.

The letter is another way to register a complaint. You could write to the owner or manager of a business, outlining as rationally as possible the problem you've had. A letter is also a great way to compliment a clerk, waiter or waitress for special consideration.

In some department stores employees who receive letters of praise are rewarded with money, or by having their picture in a company paper.

Go out of your way to complain about bad service. And go even further to praise good service.– By Maureen Elena Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Making a Complaint

How to Make a Complaint

When making a complaint in a straightforward manner and within a kind tone, it’s easier for all parties involved to learn something could be better or needs to be corrected. Expressing ourselves etiquette-fully when we need to make a complaint is vital. 

Legitimate Complaint or Chronic Complainer?

No one likes a complainer.  When you lodge a complaint, you put yourself on the line to be judged by anyone within hearing distance.  Immediate consideration will be given to the legitimacy of your complaint, the manner in which it is delivered, and your reaction to any response you receive.

Any of these scenarios could constitute a legitimate complaint. 

• We feel that we’ve been wronged by persons or groups.
• Someone says something that we didn’t like.
• A promise was broken.
• We want action on a purchase that did not arrive or perform as expected.
• We feel we haven’t been listened to.
• Necessary facts have been ignored.
• Quality of a purchase or service is poor.

However there are those who either won't let things go or seem to enjoy creating drama. These are the chronic complainers; folks who seem to drain every ounce of positivity from even the most joyous occasions.

People who are judged to be a habitual complainer have few listeners and will find that they typically don’t get the service they do deserve.  These are the folks few people enjoy spending time with because they never know if they might do or say something that will be an annoyance. Chronic complainers create chronic stress.

Making a Complaint

Because we humans are perfectly imperfect, we will create situations that others will complain about. Whether it’s having a dog that barks incessantly and disturbs our neighbors, or repeatedly borrowing our coworker’s stapler and forgetting to return it, we will eventually do or say something that gives other people something to grumble about.

The trick is not only know when, but how to make a complaint.  The proper way is to:

• Go to the right person or place to address the complaint.
• Put it in writing when the complaint extends further than the immediate situation or time frame.
• Be fair and sensible.
• Know the rules. 
• Say what you want to happen.
• Give a deadline.
• Avoid emotion and blaming intentions.

When you give thought to the reason you intend to complain and what you expect the result of your action to be, you will be in a better frame of mind to remain civil while standing up for yourself.

But if you notice your complaint being brushed off, the person you are speaking with becomes very defensive, or the grievance is redirected back to you, it may be best to step away and re-examine your approach – and maybe your reason for complaining.

If you decide you are on the right side of the situation, you might consider explaining your dissatisfaction to a manager or owner if you are dealing with a business. If your objection is with an individual or a friend, you can try a different approach to see if you can rectify the situation. 

Are You Complaining Too Often?

“What’s the use of complaining about something you have no intention of changing?”
~ Mario L. Castellanos

Have you caught yourself complaining in these situations?

• You are in a bad mood.
• You feel as if you’re losing control and are emotional.
• Negativity dominates your mind.
• You are repeating old issues or coming out of regret when nothing can be done. 
• You have no practical idea of solution.
• When you’re feeling hopeless.

It might be time to assess other reasons for your negativity and to make changes in your relationships or habits.

When you find yourself about to complain either silently or aloud whether it’s the weather or surroundings, ask yourself, “Am I a victim here?” “Is there something I can do to positively change this?” If not, leave the situation gracefully.

You might also try flipping the switch in your mind and think of something positive to say. Look for something to be grateful for. An attitude of gratitude is always positive. Wear a smile. No, not a smirk, a true smile. The kind that lights up your eyes. It’s very difficult to say negative words when your smiling!

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia