Etiquette and Tardy Dinner Guests

If you are going to be more than 10 minutes late to a dinner, or any meal for that matter, the polite thing to do is to call ahead and let your host or hostess know. It is the height of rudeness to arrive late without notifying someone when on is fully able to do so. Arriving more than 10 minutes early can also be a problem for hosts and hostesses. To be most polite, try to be on time… no earlier and no later.

The Guest Who is Late for Dinner

If a guest at the last moment is unable to attend, the hostess or her secretary or the butler should call up some intimate friend and ask him to fill in. Instead of being offended at being invited at the last minute, one should be complimented at being considered on sufficiently intimate terms to be asked. And one should never refuse such a request if it is possible to accede.

Twenty minutes past the hour set for dinner is the longest a hostess need wait for delinquent guests. It is almost unpardonable for a guest to be late for a dinner party, but if one unavoidably is, the hostess must receive his apologies amiably, shaking hands as she sits at table, and not rising unless the guest is a woman.

Unless the guest asks that the service may begin at the point reached when he enters which the considerate guest will do he is served from the first as were the others. The considerate guest, however, will not be late for dinner if it is possible to be on time. To keep a dinner waiting is not only ruination to the dinner, but irritating to one’s hostess and inconsiderate of other guests. 

If one can see that ten, fifteen or twenty minutes will elapse before he can get to his destination, he should telephone and ask that dinner be not kept waiting. Habitually to stroll in ten or fifteen minutes after the hour named is a pretty sure way to get one's name crossed off a dinner list.—The Gracious Hostess, by Della Thompson Lutes, 1923

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Car Pool and Ride-share Etiquette

A car pool or ride-share arrangement can lead to disagreements unless the members of the car pool observe rules of etiquette.

In large companies whose many employees come from far and near, car pools will usually spring up, formed by people who live in the same area and want to share commuting expenses. Either the members take turns driving their cars, or one member drives regularly and the others pay him their share of expenses. In either case the arrangement can lead to disagreements unless the members of the car pool observe rules of etiquette.

General rules of etiquette for the car pool. Here are some basic rules:

1. Be punctual. Driver and passengers must realize that to hold up the others is impolite and can cause them to be late. It is best to have a definite agreement on what the latest time is that the pool can leave, and to stick to it.

2. Let others know of a change in plans. It is inconsiderate to neglect to notify the others of a change in plans. Naturally, this is especially true when you are the driver, but it applies to passengers as well. Even if by agreement the group will leave at a given time if you don't arrive, it is polite to tell someone that you won't be there and save the group the wait and the uncertainty. For this reason it is best if each member has the phone number of the others.

3. Don't offend through personal habits. In the close quarters of an automobile, personal habits are accentuated, especially offensive ones. This makes it essential that you show extra care. To smoke a cigar, for example, would not be considerate unless you knew that no one in the pool would object. Insisting on a window seat or on some other preferred treatment will only create ill will.

When you are a passenger. As a rider in a car pool you have certain responsibilities toward the driver:

1. Respect the driver's property. Do not drop cigarettes or cigarette ashes on the upholstery. Close car doors gently. In short, treat the car you ride in as if it were your own.

2. Be prompt in payment. If yours is a pool where payment is involved, don't make the driver have to ask you for it. This can be an embarrassing situation for both of you. To avoid it, pay the driver promptly on the day agreed upon.

3. Don't ask the driver to be your private chauffeur. Even if you are paying for your ride, don't ask the driver to go out of his way to help you do any of your special errands. Of course, in an emergency this rule can be relaxed.

4. Help, or at least offer to help, the driver with emergency repairs. It is extremely inconsiderate to sit in the car while the driver is changing a tire or doing some other emergency work.

When you are the driver. If you are the driver in a car pool, you have special responsibilities, too:

1. Drive safely. The lives of your passengers are in your hands. Drive with prudence and remember that unnecessary sudden stops or jackrabbit starts can make the ride an uncomfortable and uneasy one for your riders.

2. Keep your car in good repair. Regular maintenance will pre- vent breakdowns that can greatly inconvenience both you and your riders. Don't leave broken windows, doors and the like in disrepair — an open window can defeat even the best car heater on a cold winter's day!

3. Make sure you have adequate insurance. Even if insurance is not compulsory in your state, make sure that you are protected against any liability that might arise out of an accident.

4. Make definite financial arrangements with your riders. If cash payments are involved in your car pool, each member should know exactly what he has to pay and when you expect him to pay it. Some people feel that it is polite to appear casual or reticent about these matters; actually, it is inconsiderate to be anything but clear. It only embarrasses your passengers when a mixup occurs because they weren't sure of the rules. — From, the “Business Etiquette Handbook,” by Parker Publishing Company Inc., West Nyack, NY

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Being Fashionably Late

Being “fashionably late” is not good manners, as when it is considered fashionable to annoy others, is when fashion and etiquette are at odds! – “Sticklers on social etiquette class being late to a dinner engagement, as one of the unpardonable social errors.”

There are several kinds of lateness to indulge in which is ranked as a positive social error. Sticklers on social etiquette class being late to a dinner engagement, as one of the unpardonable social errors. Being late at the opera or theater is still something that people permit themselves, although it does sometimes seriously disturb those of the audience who wish to be present when the curtain rises. But to be late to a dinner engagement is another matter entirely. –By Mrs. Mary Morton, 1924

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Merry Table Etiquette of 1894

 

Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.”

Eat, Drink and Be Merry... 

And While Doing So at Table, Observe These Rules

• Children should be taught to drink as little as possible while eating. 
• “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” 
• No gentleman will ever place his arms upon the table either before, during, or after a meal. 
• Meats are to be cut with a single gliding movement of the knife, not by converting it into a saw. 
• Keep the elbows always close to the side, no matter how ample may be the room between the guests. 
• Never hurry the dinner. Let everything come along promptly on time, and move steadily thereafter. 
• Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. 
• Be punctual. To keep a dinner party waiting under any circumstances is the greatest social indecorum. 
• Take soup only from the side of the spoon—unless wearing a mustache. Never sip it with an audible sound. 
• Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. 
• He lives longest and most safely who at dinner, and elsewhere, turns down his glasses and “tastes not the cup.” 
• If an accident of any kind should occur during the dinner do not seem to notice it—unless help may be quietly given. 
• Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.” — The Morning Union, December 27, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia