Children in Polite Society

It’s impossible for a child to keep interested in what he is eating if he is being nagged about his manners. An extremely hungry child may go on eating, anyway, in such a situation, but he won’t enjoy the meal and it is doubtful whether mother’s pains to change his manners will make the desired impression. 

Robert came in for his dinner, saying that he was “starved.” He started eating rapidly, taking enormous mouthfuls, while mother looked on horrified. But his greed wasn’t as distasteful to her as the fact that he wasn’t holding his fork properly. “Your fork isn’t a dagger,” she criticized, as she took it out of his hand and handed it back to him correctly. The boy scowled and continued eating. But the interruption semed to have dulled his enthusiasm for dinner somewhat and he slumped in his chair. 

In a few minutes, noticing Robert’s faulty posture, mother spoke to him about that. As the boy straightened up, she found other things amiss in his manners and corrected them. “Stop bolting your food. Chew it well. That's better and bind your lips, Robert keep them closed while chewing!” Suddently, Robert stopped eating. When mother urged, “Eat your dinner,” he pushed away his plate. He was fed up with mother's nagging. “I’m not hungry,” he announced. “Nonsense—only a few minutes ago you were famished,” mother argued, as she tried to force him to take more food. Finally, she gave up, thinking, “His appetite is bad, and his manners are worse. I can't do anything with that boy.”

It’s impossible for a child to keep interested in what he is eating if he is being nagged about his manners. An extremely hungry child may go on eating, anyway, in such a situation, but he won’t enjoy the meal and it is doubtful whether mother’s pains to change his manners will make the desired impression. One mother has special sessions for teaching manners and leaves the children alone between times. 

About once a week, she sets the table with special care, as for a party. All dress up for the occasion, which is called “polite society dinner.” Part of the fun of this game is its strict formality. Corrections are matter-of-fact, and no one takes offense, because all are out to learn. “Look, Robert, this is the way to hold a spoon in polite society.” Or, “Alice, we don’t smack our lips in polite society.” Since these sessions were started, the strain has been removed from ordinary mealtimes, and the children's everyday manners have improved noticeably. — By Jane Coward, 1941

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Moral Teaching

Eating food from his knife... “It is horrid and vulgar and all that, of course, to put one's knife between one's lips, but put it there and keep it there, say I, to nil eternity, rather than give room to scornful words and bits of scandal.”

A Victorian Argument for Teaching Morality as Equally as Manners

Did you ever stop to think that if one-half the anxiety expended in teaching a child not to eat with its knife were directed toward teaching it to be charitable and pure, truthful and sweet hearted the world would be a better inn to tarry at? It is horrid and vulgar and all that, of course, to put one's knife between one's lips, but put it there and keep it there, say I, to nil eternity, rather than give room to scornful words and bits of scandal. As for me, I shall grow gray headed perhaps, and decrepit if the Lord spares me; my children's children shall rise up and call me grandmother, the friends of my youth shall wane also as wanes the harvest moon, but even down to and through the palsy of life's decline I shall protect my right to take up a bit of elusive potato with whatever utensil it seemeth easiest to avail myself of. 

I do not think the angel who guards the celestial gate will stop to ask no much whether we used our knives in eating as whether we slashed and stabbed at each other with weapons of scandal and indiscriminating hate. There will be worse things charged against us, I am thinking, than the breach of social amenities or the failure in conventional usages. The question propounded will take hold of deeper matters, and our entrance into the great company of the elect shall depend on graver issues. So let us spend less time in polishing the externals; let us look to it that not only the fabric of the character we weave grows glistening and white, but also that the texture is firm and there are no dropped stitches and shoddy warp for the light of eternity to reveal.—Chicago Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Parenting in 1912

Childhood is the most favorable time to develop the little habits we carry through life, and the importance of giving attention to these little habits cannot be too strongly impressed upon the minds of parents of young children.

The Failure of Women To Be the Best Mothers Possible 

———————

Greatest Work on Earth That a Woman Can Do Is to Guide the Manners and Train the Mind of a Child

If the parents of a rough diamond could only realize the handicap they place in their child by starting him out into the world without polishing him as much as possible, I am sure every parent would do his utmost to add a touch here and a touch there to the personality of his offspring during childhood, for it is during childhood that the little habits are formed, which, taken as a whole, do much to influence his future career and station in life. I refer to habits of tidiness, manners, deportment, carriage, table etiquette, care of the toilet, etc... 

"There comes a time in the life of every child when habits of this class have to be formed, and there is no reason on earth why they should not he formed in such a way that in later years they will not be a source of embarrassment to him." —Herbert A. Parkyn M.D. 

I wish these words by one of America's most gifted physicians and metaphysicians, could be written in letters of gold and hung where every mother and teacher in the land might read them daily. Women are pushing forward their claims for higher recognition and every day, and woman are succeeding in almost all the arts, professions and trades formerly pursued by men exclusively, yet women are almost universally failing to be the best mothers possible. 

You who read these words may take exception to such a statement. Yet, employ your leisure hours the next week in looking about you critically and dispassionately for a really perfect, or even "near perfect" mother of boys and girls of that embryo age, from eight to fourteen. 

From 8 to 14, Children Show Mothers’ Teaching 

It is during that period children show forth the training and teaching which has come to them from close association with their mothers. To again quote from Dr. Parkyn: "There are great possibilities in a new wooden barrel, provided it is empty. It is easy to fill it with syrup or kerosene, or any other liquid. But if a barrel be filled first with kerosene, it is very difficult, so completely to get rid of its impressions on the barrel, that the barrel can be used afterwards for syrup, the barrel, as it were, having formed an auto suggestion, which is hard to overcome. 

A young child's mind is very much like a barrel, so far as its first impressions are concerned. Its mind is an empty thing, waiting to be filled with any kind of impressions, and the impressions of childhood are by far the most lasting. Childhood is the most favorable time to develop the little habits we carry through life, and the importance of giving attention to these little habits cannot be too strongly impressed upon the minds of parents of young children.

So many parents believe that if they teach their children what is right and wrong, from a moral and ethical point of view, clothe them and send them to school, they have done all that is required of them, and that the children will do the rest themselves and make a success in life.” 

Habits Can Be Developed Best During Childhood

Mothers of culture and education are to be found all about us who have allowed their little sons to pass through the formative period of childhood without one distinguishing trait or habit of refined, considerate manhood, and who consider the brusqueness and boorish deportment of their offspring as natural phases of boyhood, which will be eventually outgrown. 

In America, children are allowed to occupy an unnatural position in the home and are permitted to demand favors of their elders, where foreign children gently request to dispute, and flatly contradict, where others would only question or remain silent, and to sit in the presence of their parents and grand-parents without waiting for permission or observing whether any one is discommoded, by their conduct. 

Mothers permit their little sons to interrupt conversation; to enter a room noisily, without removing their hats; to be first at the table, without showing the courtesy of seating the mother or sister or guest, and to air their ideas and opinions aggressively in the presence of older people. 

The very greatest work a woman can do on earth is to guide and train the mind and manners of a little child into gentleness, kindliness, courtesy, consideration, politeness, respect and reverence for whatever is great and good, and to teach the embryo man or woman those small refinements of deportment which mean so much In life. No matter what other work a mother may be doing in the world, if she is neglecting this work, which is the work God has given her, she is miserably failing as an individual and a citizen, as well as a mother. 

Not One Woman in 100 Is a Scientific Mother 

However bright a boy may be in his lessons, however he may excel in the athletic field, he is not growing into admirable and excellent manhood unless he is receiving the delicate and gracious touches of education which a mother should consider it her great privilege to give. 

But this cannot he given in a day or a year, it must he done day by day, and year by year, unobtrusively and tactfully, until the child has absorbed the wholesome and refining system unconsciously. And we do not find one American mother in one hundred who is unselfish and patient enough to bestow so much time and thought on the, profession of scientific motherhood. — Written for The Evening Herald by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teach Etiquette with Games

Not like this below.             Do this below instead!                            

Playing games to teach good manners ahead of time, is better than the alternative of scolding a child later on for exhibiting acquired bad manners.

POINTS FOR PARENTS

Playing games which teach good manners is more effective and much pleasanter than is scolding about bad manners.

Mother: "I was so ashamed of you last night when we had guests—reaching clear across the cake plate to take the biggest piece!" 

Mother: "Let's pass the plate of cookies around the table and you have each one of the dolls take the cookie that is nearest to her."—By Edyth Thomas Wallace, 1953

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in Cultured Society

“So let me get this straight... If I work on my table manners, and I get a knowledge of dining room etiquette and stuff, then I'll get a passport to the most highly cultured society?”

 How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food, because they do not know the proper table customs?

IT was not until many homes became afflicted with frozen gas that I realized what poor table manners exist in the average home. Many families betook themselves and their ill-mannered children to the nearby moderate priced restaurant. In a suburban restaurant, a mother with two children sat near me. 

There was a boy of 8 and a girl of 6. The unsuspecting waiter put down the usual glasses of water and a semi-sliced half loaf. In the grabbing which ensued the unoffending loaf was deluged with water. “Stop that, you two, or I’ll— I’ll...’’ and then catching my eye she apologetically said, “Isn’t this awful? You see, the children never ate away from home before; our gas is frozen and...” — But here her conversation was interrupted for it was necessary for her forcibly to separate both children from the celery. 

And these bad table manners were not limited to children by any means. Mothers and fathers and other home-bound relatives “forced into the open” by frozen gas or burst pipes, convincingly showed that they never had eaten away from home. Yet it is a simple matter to acquire good table manners, and good table manners are ever an asset. 

The earlier these are acquired, the more fortunate the child. I know a physician of prominence whose early training in this respect was neglected, and today his method of gripping his fork as if it were a cudgel, is a constant source of embarrassment to his highly cultured wife. How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food because they do not know the proper table customs?

“She surely is a pretty girl.’’ said a young man to me recently, “but it would take me years to teach her table manners before I could let mother see her eat.” One mother of six young children whom I know, has exceptionally well mannered children. When her gas froze up, neighbors with the daintiest of table appointments were only too glad to have these little guests. In answer to my question, “How did you do it?” she told her secret. 

She said that as soon as each child was able to hold a spoon, he was taught to hold it “properly.” He was taught ‘‘respect” for food. The ethical side of eating was impressed upon him. To toy with food was wrong. She believes in one clean white tablecloth a week. And each child felt it his or her duty to keep this immaculate. The boys were taught consideration for ihe girls. The rest was easy. The children had a solid foundation upon which to build their table conduct. The rest came with practice. 

“Elbows close to the sides when eating.” was mother's gentle but constant suggestion. Only food too soft to be conveyed to the mouth with a fork should be eaten with a spoon. The children were taught how to cut or prepare the food on the plate before conveying it to the mouth. No child’s food was hashed up by the mother and then eaten with a spoon. Tlie children used their own muscular power and the food was chosen with an eye to their abilities and this direction. 

Only pleasant conversation was permitted. And crying, wailing, arguing or cave-man methods of obtaining one-share meant that the child had to leave the table before the meal was concluded. "So much trouble." I hear some one whisper. Well, everything worth while takes time and patience. 

This woman may not have much cold cash to leave these children when she passes on, but she will leave them with good table manners and a knowledge of dining room etiquette which is often a passport to the most highly cultured society. — Loretto C. Lynch in the Los Angeles Herald, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Education

Good manners should be taught to very young children, and the inculcation of the principles and practice of polite society should be continued throughout the whole period of adolescence.

Child, Where Did You Learn Your Good Manners?

WRITING from New York, where the rush and bustle of crowded city life make incivilities the rule and courtesy the exception, Margery Rex declares that the public school authorities of that city contemplate including the teaching of politeness in the educational curriculum.

Good manners should be taught to very young children, and the inculcation of the principles and practice of polite society should be continued throughout the whole period of adolescence; indeed it should not stop with the adult, but become a habit to follow one through life. 

Good manners ought to be taught at home, and are the more easily inculcated by force of example. But when parents are ignorant of, or indifferent to, the courtesies of domestic life—deference to one’s elders, chivalrous attention of the masculine to the feminine, the helping hand to smaller and weaker ones, repression of one’s own selfishness and tender of kindly offices at table and in the daily goings and comings—when these courtesies are quite disregarded by the elders it cannot be expected that children will show the gentlemanly and ladylike traits of good breeding. 

So that if normal courtesies and conventions of etiquette are not taught at home it becomes doubly necessary that the school strive to make amends. Else it will happen that in the crucible of the schoolroom and playground the mixture of good manners and bad will result in lowering the average rather than raising it. Children somehow learn evil from each other more readily than good. But that is because no child is ideal to another child. 

Juvenile ideals are the grownups. The father and mother first have most influence over the growing child, the school teachers next, and thereafter other elder persons of distinction and accomplishments. Politeness is not natural to children, because every child is a little savage and a bigger barbarian before it can be civilized. 

In a land of independence and of struggle to attain the high prizes, the amenities of self-denial in little things are an efflorescence of later life. Good manners should be the accompaniment of learning. They deserve to be incorporated as a course of study from kindergarten to university. — 1921 Los Angeles Herald

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Teacher of 1900

Me? Pretensions? Why, I never! Shrewd, maybe. But pretentious? Ha!~ “A woman of cultivation and social opportunities has been earning money in a community where her pretensions were celebrated, says a writer in the Philadelphia Press”

Teaching Manners...Shrewd Device of a Woman of Society for Making Money!

Children learning table setting etiquette in the late 1800s

A woman of cultivation and social opportunities has been earning money in a community where her pretensions were celebrated, says a writer in the Philadelphia Press.

She first published an explanatory card in the local press, setting forth what she intended to do. She proposed giving a course of familiar drawing -room talks on manners; the etiquette of the street, of church, of letter writing, of paying visits, of various social functions and of every-day life at home and at school.

Those were to be primarily for children and for young people, simply because, although this was not stated, she was sure that the parents would be too proud to confess their own need of them.

This part was managed by each ticket admitting not only a juvenile, but one adult friend. The lecturer knew that these elders would be glad to receive instruction that was not apparently aimed at them. She did not reckon without her host. Mothers were quite ready to send their little ones and to accompany them.
                                            
The course of procedure was according to the following program: A question box was placed on the hall table, in which slips of paper were thrust bearing inquiries on any point of etiquette or fashion on which the anonymous guest desired enlightenment. 

These were read and answered at the next weekly meeting. Then the elegant, though very quietly dressed, and queenly looking speaker, began her simple dissertation on current blunders and the proper performance of the subject in hand.

She touched upon trifles that even the best books on social usages do not make clear, and gave new ideas of many of the season's caprices in style. With these were what might be called "standards" of conduct, painstakingly outlined for both boys and girls, so that each might clearly understand what Mrs. Grundy would have a right to expect under most circumstances that could occur.

For example, some of the heads touched upon under manners in church were the position In the pew, ungainly attitudes, listening to the sermon, kneeling, whispering and laughing, attention to strangers, staring at late comers, turning the head, etc...

Special to boys: Assistance with wraps, carrying prayer books, etc... These lectures were rendered sprightly by the manner of delivery, and were interspersed with illustrations and amusing stories. – The Philadelphia Press, 1900

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Table Etiquette

This post is in honor, and memory, of one of our closest friends and finest contributors, Demita Usher. Her death was sudden and unexpected. Demita had always dreamt of a more polite world, but sadly passed away yesterday. The last post on her blog was the following quote ~ “Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
   

• Gloves are not to be worn at the table under any circumstances. 
• No argumentative, or in any way unpleasant topic, should be broached at the table. 
• There should be no difference between " company manners " and those in daily use. 
• The napkin is not folded, but is simply crushed and laid beside the plate on rising. 
• Coffee may be served at any time during breakfast, but should come at the end of dinner. 
• Do not overload the plate of a guest, or press upon any one that which he has once declined. 
• Remember the maxim of Confucius: "Eat at your own table as you would at the table of the King." 
• Never say or do, or countenance in others the saying or doing, of anything rude or impolite at the table. 
• Never notice or comment upon any accident, but render unobtrusively any assistance which may be necessary and possible. 
• The side of the spoon is to be placed in the mouth, except in the case of a man wearing a moustache, when the point of the spoon leads the way. 
• Where wine is served at dinner it may be declined without breach of courtesy, and should no more than any other article be pressed upon the guest. 
• Teach the children to eat at table with their elders, and do it in a dignified manner. 
• It is impossible to foretell what moment may require them to exemplify their home training. 
• Letters, newspapers or books should never be brought to the table, though a very important message may be received and attended to, permission being asked of the hostess.

—From Good Housekeeping Magazine, 1893

  Rest in peace, Demita. Your smile, enthusiasm and grace will be missed by all who knew you!  

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Mother’s Ingenuity

Mom sees a need for table etiquette lessons, and fills the need herself, in a very creative way... 

Teaching table manners to the children was once a common sight in homes throughout the world.

Children’s Table Manners

“After a long illness in the hospital I returned home to find that my children's table manners had suffered a complete demoralization. They ‘gobbled,’ used knife and fork indiscriminately and always awkwardly, regarded their spoons as shovels and, in short, were perfect little savages. 

“In order to remedy this quickly I started a series of ‘company luncheons,’ at which I was the hostess and the children the guests. I set the table as prettily as possible and made funny little place cards. The children played up delightedly, took grown-up names and even washed their hands without a murmur.

Teaching children in Canada, 1898

“We made a set of simple rules: The guests who behaved perfectly received three pieces of candy, the guests who made only one mistake received one piece of candy, while any unfortunate guest who committed three breaches of table etiquette received no candy at all. 

“Questions on table manners were in order at any time, to be answered by the hostess. I chose dishes for these luncheons which are not always easy to eat elegantly, and I was very happy to see how quickly the children improved in table manners and other manners as well, for our ‘company luncheons’ seemed to help genial courtesy quite wonderfully. 

“The best of it was that there was no nagging nor cross words. It was all good fun, and my four youngsters can now go anywhere and eat anything, and mother has the proud consciousness that they will always appear to good advantage.” – Contributed to the Los Angeles Herald by J. Appleton, June, 1910

This 1950 "training implement for infants" had a "swivel" feature that I am sure kept toddlers entertained, but probably did little to teach the child to move the spoon in the swivel motion himself, or herself.


🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Italian Etiquette vs American... cont.

More on...

 "How Italians Educate Their Children:

A regimen which gives prominence to fine manners, free intercourse of the different classes in Italy, and why it pays to be polite."

I do not think that Mr. Jarves had any Italian offspring like Madoonna in mind when he wrote his 1880 article on Italian parenting and etiquette, but still, she is sending his message, "Italians do it better," all the same ~ The talent, or "smartness" which finds success in any chosen line is considered to be the most enviable quality children can show. Absorbed in their own business or pleasure, they are disinclined to make time, as do Italian and French fathers, to instruct and initiate their children in the customs and wisdom of the world, while winning their confidence in multiform sympathetic ways.

The sincerity of affection of American fathers for their children cannot be questioned, but the quality of its practical manifestation as a whole is open to comment. American fathers are too reserved and undemonstrative; two little given to intimate association with the joys, chagrins, and personal training of their children. From want of practice they do not know how, as do European fathers, to participate in their lives and become their confidential companions. They are over-solicitous to see them on an independent, self-made footing early in life, working out their own careers prematurely, in their separate responsibility, while relieving them of theirs in the matter.

The talent, or “smartness” which finds success in any chosen line is considered to be the most enviable quality children can show. Absorbed in their own business or pleasure, they are disinclined to make time, as do Italian and French fathers, to instruct and initiate their children in the customs and wisdom of the world, while winning their confidence in multiform sympathetic ways. A New-England father, cold and commanding in deportment, when not forgetful and indifferent; austere and abrupt and speech, if not taciturn and careless, bountifully provides the means of education, comfort, and entertainment of his offspring, and is prompt to enunciate Lycurgian rules and abstract apothegms for their guidance by already physically and mentally over-taxed mothers, or those whom he liberally pays to vicariously execute the most needful of his own duties, in the inculcation of those habits and principles on which the future welfare of his family depends. 

Hence, between American fathers and sons there is less free intercourse and affectionate courtesy, with intermingling of pleasures and interests, than in European families. Domestic life has more centrifugal than centripetal force. In infancy there is begotten a restraint which tinges all subsequent intercourse between them, and leaves uncomfortable associations on both sides. This state of domestic life is more a defect of the head than heart, chiefly arising from the neglect to cultivate those endearing habits and manners which should be the crowning grace of intellectual accomplishments and parental authority.

The tact with which cultivated Italians pay compliments is equal to their fastidious sense of personal beauty. Nothing elicits more heartfelt admiration than grace or brightness, particularly in children. The most common place are noticed, while any special attraction gets enthusiastically praised. Their quick eyes, even in adults, seize on any distinguishing feature, if it be only a well shaped ear or nose, or other minor organ, and cordially praise that, politely ignoring the homely ones out of consideration of the feelings of their possessor. Their aesthetic sympathies are so keen that they detect charms which untrained senses overlook. They are much less prone than Anglo-Saxons to see only defects and crudely condense them into one sweeping condemnation of absolute ugliness or badness, with no discrimination of mitigating or compensating details. 

In social intercourse they are less inclined to the superficial, impressive, and wholesale prejudices of people of coarser fibre and colder hearts, in regard to persons of unprepossessing appearance. Instead, they charitably discover something to recommend the most forbidding in looks, if, like themselves, well bred, while their respect to age is particularly commendable. Whether this conduct springs from charity of heart or policy of head, it is certainly good breeding. 

The habit of considering others sometimes brings unexpected results. There lived in Florence some years back and Irish painter of merit, who was on the verge of starvation from inability to sell his works. One evening as it so happened that the journal he had taken up at a café to distract him was asked for by a stranger. He immediately handed it to the inquirer, saying another would serve his purpose as well. This led to an acquaintance, which ended in his selling all of his Winter's work to his new friend, who was an amateur, and placing him at once in a comfortable position. 

Another more remarkable instance is the following: An elderly gentleman, partially paralyzed, was traveling by himself in a railway carriage, in which was a young lady, unknown to him. Accidentally dropping the newspaper he was reading, and finding it difficult to recover it, she promptly assisted him, following it up by other little services and pleasant conversation. When the train stopped she considerately assisted him out. He begged her address, which she gave him, and soon the incident faded out of her mind. 

A year afterward, to her astonishment, she received a letter from the old gentleman's lawyer with the intelligence that he had died, and bequeathed her $150,000, "because of her politeness to a stranger." This was indeed casting her bread of civility on the waters of life to some purpose, and forcibly illustrates the power of "politesse de coeur," as the French aptly designate this humane accomplishment.

Matthew Arnold defines civilization as the “humanizing of man in society.” Politeness is one of the most efficient agents in affecting this transmutation of human nature. Poetry, music, painting, and sculpture or even less direct agencies in its improvement, for polite manners are apostolic in their proselytizing functions. No supreme civilization is reached, however, on a single line of progress. To form a complete, well-rounded humanity, scope must be given to every healthful aspiration and no faculty left to lie dormant. The ideal race is yet to be created out of the perfections of all. Hebrewism has given us religion, the spiritual aspects of faith, sacrifice, obedience, duty, and worship as its supreme ideal; Hellenism, the might of philosophy, beauty, and mind in heroic guise of earthly mold; Rome, The power of unity and supremacy of law. 

Germany now proffers inquiry, scientific analysis, and thought; the Latin races, their sensitiveness to beautiful form and behavior; their delicacy of apprehension and technical touch; England, her broad eclecticism, practical skill, and resolute utilitarianism, while inventive, receptive America, the mosaic of nations, opens her doors with the impartial welcome to all but benign influences. Let us hope that humanities highest polish and finest amalgamation will finally be ours. But to secure, this something besides a deep-seated passion for beauty, abstract truth, or prosaic utility is required. 

Progress toward the ideal to be lasting, must be as deeply rooted in the heart as the head. It's complete code exists only in the divine principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, who is the most beautiful manifestation of spirit in the flesh vouchsafed to men. He was the complete gentleman. His perfect brotherhood, gentleness, truth, sympathy, sacrifice, intuition, forbearance, courtesy, kindness to women and children; His energy, courage, and righteous anger; His devotion to His one great object, the alleviation of life's miseries, succor of the afflicted, healing of the sick, regeneration of all man; His exalted, purifying doctrines and practice- all this, combined with an aesthetic temperament that made Him, the most radical of reformers, enjoy nature and art, wear fine apparel, and come "eating and drinking;" a Saviour appreciating the refinements and blessings of life, not despising and fearing them like a misery-coveting, cowardly ascetic; this makes Jesus, after 18th centuries of example, still the "first gentleman" of all time, universal Teacher and ideal man of humanity. 

From “How Italians Train Their Youth,” an article originally published in the NY Times, sent from Florence, Italy, August 10, 1880, by James Jackson Jarves

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 19th C. Italian Youth

“The Grand Duchess sent for her daughter, a girl of 17, who had been to her first ball the night before, but was not yet considered as having ‘come out.’After presenting her, during the chat that ensued she was required by her mother to stand, while we remained seated, which to my American notions and experience of the homage paid by their elders to our young girls, seemed to me quite an awkward and painful reversal of the proper order of things.” 

How Italians Educate Their Children:

A regimen which gives prominence to fine manners, free intercourse of the different classes in Italy, and why it pays to be polite.   

Where every one obeys its rules it allows a more familiar and genial intercourse between all ages and conditions of society...

Italian children are drilled in society manners as soon as they can toddle about. Especially are they taught deference and polite attention to ladies and older persons. Complimentary phrases of speech, and an easy, graceful demeanor become as natural to them in a short time as to their parents. Too much stress in comparison with more important things in no doubt is attached to etiquette alone. But where every one obeys its rules it allows a more familiar and genial intercourse between all ages and conditions of society than when there is no prescribed code of manners to emeliorate social contrast and protect individual position, and everybody is on the defensive lest the artificial barriers of differing social positions be invaded.

A state of society in consequence has been long established that admits and encourages pleasant but respectful familiarity between the varied ranks of the population. I will illustrate the practical working of this system in Italy. One of the ancient palaces in my vicinity is occupied by several families of the nobility. In the upper story there is a girl's school for children of the better classes. The daughter of the porter of the palace is received in it without pay, given the same advantages as the daughters of the Countesses and the Marquises her father served, and, treated precisely the same by all, is spared those petty but spirit-wounding reminders of social distinctions and pretensions with which

Anglo-Saxon girls delight to afflict those they assume to look down upon. Another school girl, of similarly humble position, is frequently invited by one of the noble ladies to be the companion of her daughter when she visits her villa during the vacations, partaking of all her privileges. Of course, such familiar intercourse can exist with mutual advantage, and no confusion of the essential proprieties of life, only in a country where society is on an established basis, and the refinement, and polish that belong more particularly to the more favored individuals extend to the less fortunate and become the rule of all. 

19th century Italian women with their children ~ “Italian children are drilled in society manners as soon as they can toddle about. Especially are they taught deference and polite attention to ladies and older persons.”

Royalty is perhaps the most rigid of all the ranks in exacting obedience in children to those rules of etiquette which are considered proper to their age, without regard to their future position. On one occasion, when, by request, I had called on the sister of one of the great sovereigns of Europe, the conversation turned on children. The Grand Duchess sent for her daughter, a girl of 17, who had been to her first ball the night before, but was not yet considered as having "come out." After presenting her, during the chat that ensued she was required by her mother to stand, while we remained seated, which to my American notions and experience of the homage paid by their elders to our young girls, seemed to me quite an awkward and painful reversal of the proper order of things. But I am now persuaded that the European system of discipline of youth, in parting it in seasoned self-restraint, and deference to age, is more salutary to character than the license to self-indulgence not only tolerated but encouraged in America.

Anglo-Saxons, for sanitary reasons, do not permit their children to keep late hours with their elders, eat late meals and go to late amusements, as do Italians, no doubt prematurely maturing the minds and customs of their offspring at the expense of health. Apart from these cogent considerations, the habit of constant familiar intercourse with their parents and elders gives them a quiet, respectful demeanor, and puts them at their ease in any society. Early accustomed to be noticed and praised for good looks, behavior, or points of dress, they seek to emulate the aesthetic style of the adult society of which they make a part.

Socially, an accomplished Italian is, undoubtedly, more or less of an actor, but in legitimately seeking to please he pays a complement to society and an homage to virtue.

According to our ideas, no doubt they often seem tame and colorless, or else unnaturally restrained in one direction and developed in another; but they are early fitted for their future positions without disturbance to the social machinery about them. At their ease and self-reliant in society, when Anglo-Saxon children would be constrained or awkward, they lose much in other respects, in force of character, independence, and self judgment, where initiative action is required, in which essential points American youth excel. The social restraints, narrowness of intercourse, and excessive formula of etiquette a fashionable Italian life, with its extremes of bigotry or atheistical materialism, would ill suit the Anglo-Saxon freer spirit, greater breadth of view and latitude of personal action.

Socially, an accomplished Italian is, undoubtedly, more or less of an actor, but in legitimately seeking to please he pays a complement to society and an homage to virtue. There are instances, doubtless, in which skillful acting is a hypocritical pretense to cover up some base end, but such are the exceptions to a general rule of politeness which is based on the genuine disposition to please and be pleased in social intercourse.

Article Originally Published in the NY Times, Sent From Florence, Italy, 

August 10, 1880, by James Jackson Jarves

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teaching Children Table Manners ~ The Art, Science and Tools

On children learning table manners ~"Every human being without exception must pass through this rite of passage, being forbidden the motherly breast or the bottle and taught to eat solid food. The child must learn for most of its mealtimes to give up sucking, the skill with which it was born.  The area inside the cheeks of small children is well provided with taste buds, which adults' cheeks are not; babies taste not only with their tongues but with their cheeks. This is thought to be why they like packing their mouths with food. They must be made to take less at a time." Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

Art and Ingenuity
Teaching children etiquette is an art, but it is also a science. Ingenuity and creativity are needed to get children to learn table manners. Repetition of what they have been taught is also needed. Take for example these patented items below. They are for teaching children how to eat properly and were designed to instill good table manners. The patents exhibit the 19th and early 20th century historical standpoints of attempting to not only design, but to teach. And all of the rules being taught, still matter today.

These 2 forks above, one hand-crafted in the late 1800s and the other patented in July of 1900, were specifically designed to teach a child how to eat properly. You may be thinking, "Those are simply 'youth-sized' forks." And they are youth sized forks, but looking on the back sides of them, they reveal another story...

I have lightened the photo up a bit, so that you can see fork one reads, "For the Left Hand". The lower fork has a "finger guide" for a child to place his or her finger into, though the artist at the time, drew the illustration with the wrong hand using the fork.  At the time, artists for this type of work were not well paid and were generally from a lower social strata. It is quite possible that the artist drawing this particular graphic did not know how to use a fork properly.  Regardless, the advertisement went into Munsey's Magazine, etiquette flaw and all.

A "child training fork" properly used in the left hand.

Above ~ Eliza is showing the correct hands for using the knife and fork, while still practicing her technique. An interesting tidbit on etiquette and children: Sixteenth-century rules of etiquette were that children leave the table before the end of dinner, take their place settings with them, and take the chairs with them as well.   

The 1932 patented plate, shown below, was designed with a variety of children depicted and added to the plate, after it was made. All have large indentations that are marked as to where a child's fork and spoon would go. The patent itself is more than just vague on what the indentations on either side are for, as I am certain that many inventors and designers did not want to give others any new ideas.

This patent's description for a metal attachment to plates, from 1900, is much more clear on how it is to help children learn to eat with utensils: "In using the device the plate is filled with edibles -- say soup, for instance. The child naturally attempts to fill its spoon by pulling the spoon through the dish and ordinarily will drag the spoon and its contents over the rim of the plate; but in the present instance the spoon will be arrested by the abutment 'e' and then the child will have to lift the spoon clear of the attachment, and thus will be prevented from wasting its food and caused to lift the spoon properly.

It will be seen from the foregoing that the objects of the attachment are to enable a child to feed itself without causing the spoon or other article to slip from the plate, owing to its awkwardness and handling the same, and to avoid the soiling of the table-cloth and other surroundings. By means of this attachment the use of a spoon, and etc..., is considerably facilitated, and the child will be able to feed itself in a very short time and is not tempted to use its left hand in eating as an accessory to the spoon or other article, nor, as is so often the case, to disregard all accessories and make use of its hands alone."  

Assorted "etiquette spoons," a training fork and other youth utensils ~ "It is ironic that we repeatedly encourage babies to burp after eating.  Within a short while however, we are just as vigorously teaching them not to burp at the table." Maura Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette

Though these spoons were not new, being marketed as "Etiquette Spoons" was a new development in the late 1800s.

Below is another "child training" utensil patent from 1947.  While newer designs for children's utensils, and their patents, still show up now into the 21st century, they are designed many times more for convenience and for novelty, as opposed to learning proper utensil use.  The period from the late 19th and early 20th centuries, really was the golden age for utensils and other table items designed for teaching table manners to children. 

This 1947 "training implement for infants" had a "swivel" feature that I am sure kept toddlers entertained, but probably did little to teach the child to move the spoon in the swivel motion himself, or herself.

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for nearly a quarter of a century, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years.