1990’s Wedding Etiquette

The 1990’s ushered in a host of new trends and non-traditional themes in American weddings. Numerous magazines featured wedding and bridal etiquette tips — When speaking on new etiquette for weddings, Elizabeth Post said at the time, “People check in etiquette books to see what is considered proper and then modify it to suit themselves.”

Wedding etiquette, once practically carved in stone, is now written on the wind. Just for starters, the bridal couple may have been living together before the wedding. The groom may have selected a woman as his honor attendant while the “maid” of honor is a man. The bride may walk down the aisle on the arms of both her father and her stepfather, or with her mother. The wedding service may be conducted by two members of the clergy, each of a different denomination.

“The nicest thing that has happened is that weddings have become more individual,” says Elizabeth Post, granddaughter of Emily Post, who kept earlier generations’ manners in order. “We have many more choices today. People check in etiquette books to see what is considered proper and then modify it to suit themselves,” says Post, who recently revised “Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette.”

Still, she discerns a growing interest in observing the forms, after an era in which many people wanted to eliminate them in the interest of spontaneity and freedom. “Compared to the 1970s and the 1960s, people want more structure, but without returning to the formality that characterized the Victorian age,” says Post.

Or as Annie Chervin Edwards, who was married in South Salem, NY last spring, puts it: “I didn't want my wedding to be stuffy, but I didn't want anything to be in bad taste, either. Although she didn't plan on observing traditions such as having a receiving line, she says that one materialized naturally after the ceremony as guests came up to congratulate the couple and their parents.

“Etiquette today is changing to accommodate feelings, which is only right, since it evolved as ritualized courtesy which is a form of kindness,” says Barbara Tober, editor of Bride's Magazine. Some practices now considered appropriate once either frowned on, or not considered, include sharing expenses between both sets of parents, closing the bar early or even doing without alcoholic beverages altogether, inviting live-in mates as well as spouses of friends, and addressing invitations to a husband and wife who don't share the same last name, Bride’s reports.

A common question: Who gives the bride away? “Tradition says it's her own father's prerogative, but this can lead to hurt feelings if she has been living with her mother and stepfather for many years. Many brides are writing to ask if their mother can give them away. I say yes even though there may be some raised eyebrows if that is what the bride would like. A mother's place traditionally is in the front row, but if a stepmother has been more important in the bride’s or groom’s life, she is the one who should be given this seat of honor,” says Post. —Associated Press, 1991

  🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Faux Pas from Miss Manners

Invitations must always be specific, which means that a host who will allow a guest to bring someone else (and no host is obligated to) does not add “and guest” but asks his original guest who it will be and invite that person. 

More of the etiquette blunders which upset Miss Manners!

Why don’t people pay strict attention to Miss Manners instead of trying to argue with her? There is a body of etiquette beliefs, firmly held in this society that is wrong, wrong, wrong. If you only knew how weary Miss Manners gets of repeating the same things, in a never-ending crusade to separate gentle people from this misinformation, you would use your energy to fetch her a cool drink, instead.

Here, for positively (or possibly) the last time, is a list of common errors. It's not true:

That the right to make decisions concerning the form of a wedding is for sale within the family, so that paying for all of it buys complete tyranny, while paying for part is like buying so many shares of voting stock. No, no, no. One may gain control of wedding by “giving” it in the sense of the bride’s parents being the hosts, or the couple issuing their own invitations, but the money has nothing to do with it. 

That a widow’s formal name changes, with her given name substituted for his, between “Mrs.” and their surname. No, no, no! It stays the same, and why do her friends keep taunting her by telling her it doesn't? 

That social invitations are not meant exclusively for the person to whom they are issued, but contain the right to bring at least one date. If not several friends. No, no, no. Invitations must always be specific, which means that a host who will allow a guest to bring someone else (and no host is obligated to) does not add “and guest” but asks his original guest who it will be and invite that person. 

That greeting cards require being acknowledged. No. no. no! People require acknowledgements of their courtesies, but cards do not. Miss Manners has never liked the silly things, so much more trouble to select than it would be to write a line of congratulations or condolence, but will not permit people to use them and then complain of not receiving attention for them. 

That Miss Manners is willing to debate these matters further. — Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

At-Home Wedding Etiquette

The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with.  MarthaStewartWeddings.com recommends making the renting of a tent a priority for outdoor receptions when getting married at home. “Unless the inside of your home can accommodate all of your guests—and every part of your wedding day—you're going to need a tent, says Jackson. Getting hitched in the summer? A tent with air conditioning and fans might also be a welcome addition.” – Photo source, Pinterest

At a home wedding the number of guests is limited. The bride wears a colored dress of light silk or a simple white one. The bridal party faces the clergyman and he faces the company. The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with. 

The decoration of the home is according to the tastes of the parties most interested. The wedding refreshments are partaken of in whatever way best conduces to the comfort and enjoyment of those present. A private wedding is one at which there are none present except the contracting parties, the minister and the witnesses. – San Francisco Call, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid-20th C. Wedding Etiquette

Statistics show you’re more likely to be bride, groom or wedding guest in June... the “month of marriages” than at any other time in the year. But how much do you know about wedding manners? 

Test your knowledge on the wedding etiquette questions below...

1. You arrive at the church after the mother of the bride has been seated. You should 

• a) slip silently into the nearest pew. 
• b) wait in the church vestibule until after the ceremony. 
• c) take any free seat. 

2. As the usher escorts you to your seat, it is proper for you to 

• a) maintain a dignified silence.
• b) talk in a normal voice about anything that occurs to you.
• c) exchange polite remarks with the usher in a low voice.

3. On the receiving line you pass by the bride. If you do not know her personally, you 

• a) mumble “How do you do?” and move along quickly. 
• b) wish her good luck and tell her she made a lovely bride. 
• c) congratulate her. 

4. The two most popular pieces of music for weddings were originally 

• a) a bridal chorus for a medieval knight and a wedding march for a fairy queen.
• b) a church hymn and a march for an emperor’s procession. 
• c) tunes composed especially for church weddings. 

5. Right after marriage, the bride is faced with a stack of thank-you notes to write. The proper thing is to 

• a) write out each note, mentioning the gift and commenting on it. 
• b) have thank-you notes engraved and simply mail them out. 
• c) thank the giver in person or by phone. 

6. A family relative plans to photograph the ceremony. He should 

• a) consult the bride's mother. 
• b) go ahead on his own. 
• c) ask the clergyman's permission. 

7. Your husband is an usher at the wedding, but you're not invited to sit at the bride's table. You should 

• a) graciously be seated at a guest's table.
• b) insist on sitting with your husband.
• c) stalk out. 

8. The father of the bride feels he will look silly in a cutaway and refuses to join the groom in wearing one. The bride must 

• a) humor Daddy, who, after all, pays for the wedding.
• b) get him to compromise on a dark gray suit.
• c) persuade him at all costs to wear the cutaway. 

9. The bride's parents must 

• a) pay for both the bridesmaids’ and the maid of honor’s dresses.
• b) pay only for the maid of honor's dress. 
• c) let bridesmaids and maid of honor buy their own. 

10. Aunt Alice is invited to the wedding reception but will be unable to attend. She is 

• a) obliged to send a gift. 
• b) allowed to send one, but not obligated.
• c) definitely not supposed to send one.

Answers

1. b). No one should be seated after the bride’s mother has begun to walk down the aisle. This would detract from her entrance, at the moment when she should be the focus of all attention. 

2. c). Although it looks stiff and unnatural to walk down the aisle like a statue, it is not seemly to begin a lively conversation in church. Your wisest course is to talk quietly about a general subject until you are seated. 

3. b). Even though you don't know the bride, you must say something more than “How do you do?” to her. But never congratulate her, since this implies that she has managed to win her husband when it should be the other way around. Etiquette says that only the groom may be congratulated. It's proper to wish the bride happiness. 

4. a). The traditional “Here Comes the Bride” originally was a bridal chorus in Wagner's opera, Lohengrin. The wedding march customarily used as a recessional is the “Fairy Queen's Wedding March” from Mendelssohn's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

5. a). It is considered impolite to send out engraved thank-you notes, and downright rude not to send any at all. People who go to the trouble of selecting a gift deserve to know that the bride has noticed it. 

6. c). Although the wishes of the bride and her mother should be respected, the clergyman’s wishes are “the court of last resort.” 

7. a). The bridal table is officially only for the bridal party and does not even include the parents of bride and groom. 

8. c). When the groom is dressed formally, the fathers of both bride and groom must follow suit. Daddy would look much sillier wearing any other suit than he will in his cutaway. 

9. c). If the bride’s parents are well-fixed, she may elect to pay for her attendants’ gowns but she is under no obligation to do so in any case. 

10. b). A guest who has been invited to the reception is expected to send a gift if he accepts the invitation. If he does not accept, he may send one or not, as he chooses. A guest who has been asked only to the church ceremony also may send a gift or not, at his own discretion. 

Scoring:

Eight or more right answers means that, so far as etiquette is concerned, you're well briefed for anybody's wedding even your own. 

Five to seven is just getting by. 

Less than five means you'd better hold back on wedding bells until you've consulted a good book of etiquette. 

– Parade Magazine, June 8, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia