Etiquette, Conformity and Harmony

Above, a tea out in the country. – It is related of a certain King that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That King was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette.

 

Conformity

You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense, to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you can not sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.

So if you can not adapt your dress and manners to the company in which you find yourself, the sooner you take your leave the better. You may and should endeavor, in a proper way, to change such customs and fashions as you may deem wrong, or injurious in their tendency, but, in the mean time, you have no right to violate them. You may choose your company, but, having chosen it, you must conform to its rules til you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must “do as the Romans do.” The rules which should govern your conduct, as an isolated individual, were such a thing as isolation possible in the midst of society, are modified by your relations to those around you.

This life of ours is a complex affair, and our greatest errors arise from our one-side views of it. We are sovereign individuals, and are born with certain “inalienable rights;” but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights can not conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed. 

It is related of a certain King that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That King was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette. The highest law demands complete HARMONY in all spheres and in all relations. 

From the book by Samuel R. Wells, “How to Behave, A Pocket Guide to Republican Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits,” 1856

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Faux

From the 1935 film of the same name, the social-climbing “Alice Adams,” is doing whatever it takes to promote an appearance of grace, wealth and a lofty social standing to woo the handsome young man, who somehow finds her fascinating. Hiring a maid to serve at their ill-thought out dinner party, and tossing out French bon-mots while putting on airs, Alice’s facade-building is thrown into overdrive with the help of her mother and from the fear she’ll be exposed as a fraud. The charming Arthur Russell, seems to be aware of what’s going on, but only has second thoughts when Alice’s family, including her shady brother, can no longer continue on with the charade.

In 1938, someone had good manners confused with rules promoted by those who talked and wrote about “Best People” and “Best Society” 

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Our Artificial Life

We boast of our modern civilization, and in many respects, it is very wonderful. But it is also cluttered up by a lot of flubdub which reflects no credit upon the courage or intelligence of the average mortal. Out of deference to innumerable foolish customs, conventions and caprices, our lives are largely artificial and restricted. We must make ourselves uncomfortable in ridiculous clothing; we must become identified with enterprises in which we have no interest; we must pretend to enjoy things we loathe; we must submit to being bored stiff by tiresome people; we must bow to the decrees of self-constituted dictators in matters of etiquette or be classed as barbarians. 

Our actions are largely governed by inhibitions. Many of them trivial and without any bearing upon true character or morality, but nevertheless considered binding upon all who would appear civilized. Were these rules and regulations established by leaders possessed of superior morals or intellect, they might be observed with better grace. But if such were the case, the rules would probably be quite different from what they are. In the eyes of some of our arbiters, it appears that a breach of table manners is a more heinous offense than a violation of the moral code, to wear out-of-date clothing is more reprehensible than defrauding a creditor. But most of us lack the courage to rebel, because we must be regular and standardized if we would be classed among the “best people.” – LaHabra Valley Star, 1938

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia