More Etiquette of Polite Conversation

Characters Marian Brooke and Peggy Scott (played by Louisa Jacobson and 

Denée Benton), share conversations, carriages and, eventually, secrets in “The Gilded Age.”

Egotism–
Do not be egotistic. If you find yourself using the pronoun “I” too much, change the topic of conversation to a less personal one.

Wit–
Be witty and amusing if you like, or rather if you can; but never use your wit at the expense of others.

Correct Speech–
Be careful to speak correctly yourself, but never take notice of the inaccuracies of either grammar or pronunciation of others.

Absent-Mindedness–
Do not appear to be preoccupied in the presence of others. Lord Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind, I choose to be absent in body."

Whispering In Company–
Never whisper in company. Neither engage a single individual in the discussion of matters which are not understood by the others present. 

Private Affairs Of Others–

Never directly or indirectly refer to the affairs of others which it may give them pain in any degree to recall.

Impertinent Questions–
Never ask impertinent questions; and under this head may be included nearly all questions. Some authorities in etiquette go so far as to say that all questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished to inquire after the health of the brother of your friend, you would say, " I hope your brother is well," not, " How is your brother's health?"

The Confidence Of Others–

Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others; but if they give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge one.

Unpleasant Topics Of Conversation–

Never introduce unpleasant topics or describe revolting scenes in general company.

Giving Unsought Advice–
Never give officious advice. Even when your advice is sought, be sparing of it. 

Evil Speaking–
Never attack the characters of others in their absence; and if you hear others attacked, say what you can consistently to defend them.

–From E.B. Duffey's, “The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette: A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society,” 1877 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Telephone Etiquette

Advantages to a residential phone listed in a 1905 advertisement, included the ability for one to call the doctor, call the police and call one's husband.

Early 20th C. Telephone Etiquette

Here’s a bit of telephone etiquette that is going the rounds: Some people haven’t sense enough to know that when they use a telephone and call up someone, good manners make it necessary for the one calling to introduce one’s self before engaging in conversation. Some ill-bred people have the vulgarity and impudence to try to compel the party called to give their name first. —Madera Mercury, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Tea and Coffee

The Flowers Personified (1847) Image by the great Parisian cartoonist J.J Grandville from his Les Fleurs Animées – his last work, originally published posthumously in 1847, the year of his death. With its mix of the satirical and poetic, the book is considered to be one of his most supreme achievements.

Tea and Coffee Flowers are Personified and Ill-Mannered in this Tale of Competition

The Coffee-flower took it into its head to make a voyage to China, for the purpose of visiting her sister, the Tea-flower. The latter received her guest with the politeness in which might be seen a slight air of superiority.   

In fact, to the Tea-flower, Coffee was but an outside barbarian, with whom she condescended to hold intercourse, notwithstanding the immense distance that separates a civilized Chinese from a foreigner, who is still sunk in the depths of ignorance. 

The Coffee-flower had too much quickness and penetration, not to understand this reception, and she had too much pride to submit to it.
"My dear," said she said to Tea, as soon as they were by themselves, "the airs which you affect, are not at all agreeable. Understand, if you please, that I do not need to be patronized, and that I am your superior in every respect." 

Never affect superiority. In the company of an inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the politeness and consideration you would show an equal. Assumption of superiority is the distinguishing trait of a parvenu.– E.B.Duffey

The tea flower shrugged her shoulders with disdain. "My title of nobility, "said she, "is six thousand years older than yours. It dates from the very foundation of the Chinese monarchy, the oldest of all known kingdoms."   

"And what does that prove!" said Coffee. 

"That you should treat me with deference," was the answer. 

It is proper to state, that this conversation occurred at a small lacquered table, on which stood a coffee-pot and a tea-pot. The two flowers, to keep up their rage, had frequent recourse to the stimulants which these contained. 

"You are so insipid," said Coffee, "that the Chinese themselves have been compelled to abandon you, and take to opium. You are no longer a stimulant, and a promoter of pleasant dreams– but merely a table drink, like cider and small-beer among us." 

Never directly contradict any one. Say, "I beg your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed," or some such similar phrase which shall break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimportant it is better to let it pass without correction. – E.B.Duffey

"I have vanquished," briskly replied Tea, "a nation which has vanquished China itself. I reign in England." 

"And I, in France." 

"It was I that inspired Walter Scott and Lord Byron." 

"I nerved the wit of Moliere and Voltaire." 

"You are only a slow poison."

"And you, a mere vulgar diet-drink." 

"In the melodious murmurs of the tea kettle," said Tea, "one may fancy that he hears the spirits of the fireside sing. My color is that a fair girl's tresses. I am the Posey of the gentle and melancholy north." 

"Mine," said the Coffee-flower, "is the dusky tint of tropical maidens. Like them, I am ardent. Like some subtile fire, I course along the veins. I am the Cupid of the south."

"Thou dost consume, while I comfort." 

"No-I give strength; you only weaken."

"To me belongs the heart."

"Yes; and to me the head." 

The two flowers had become so exasperated, that they were about to pull each other's leaves. But, on further reflection, they concluded to refer their dispute to a tribunal composed equally of tea-drinkers and coffee-drinkers. This tribunal has been long in session, but has not yet agreed on a verdict.– From J.J Grandville from his Les Fleurs Animées 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Polite Conversation

Someone not afraid to show her emotions– The fictional Marianne Dashwood, as portrayed by Kate Winslet in the 1996 film version of Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility”

Display Of Emotions–
It is needless to say, avoid all exhibitions of temper before others if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of our own apartments.

Undue Familiarity–
Avoid all coarseness and familiarity in addressing others. A person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.

Pretenses–
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to impress your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the face of others. It is best to say nothing about it either in excuse or defence.

Aristocratic Assumptions–
Do not, of all things, in this republican country, boast of blood and family and talk of belonging to the "aristocracy." Nor, unless you wish to be set down as a superlative fool by all sensible people, put your servants in livery and a coat of arms upon the panels of your carriage and upon your plate.

Interruptions In Conversation–
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. Wait until you are sure he has finished what he has to say before you attempt to speak.

Dogmatic Style Of Speaking–
Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. At all events, they will discover your superiority or they will not.


If they discover it of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, rest assured you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.

Flattery–
Do not be guilty of flattery. Commend the estimable traits of your friends to others whenever and wherever you can, and you may even express your honest approval directly to them if you possess a delicate tact. Indeed, it is one of the most imperative social duties to let others see our appreciation of the good in their characters or actions. But beware of insincere praise bestowed from an unworthy motive.

Faultfinding–
Do not be censorious or faultfinding. Long and close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, “First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye.”

–From E.B. Duffey's, "The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette: A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society," 1877 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia