Etiquette: Tent-Style Place Cards vs Flat

 

Place cards are used for seating arrangements and should never be tampered with if you want to be invited back. Hosts/Hostesses go to a lot of trouble and time to make sure the seating arrangements are proper and that everyone's tastes and feelings are accommodated. Sit where a place card has been set for you (the one with your name on it) and mingle with others you didn't sit with afterward.

Dear Maura:

What is the proper way to include a placecard at a formal table? Where is it placed? Is the name only written on one side of a “tent- style” card, or both sides? — K.E., Ontario

Dear K.E.:

The correct usage of place cards deals solely with the intent of the usage. If you are hosting an affair with people who do not know one another, tent-style cards are a wonderful way of letting one know which place at the table is his. Tent-style cards with a name written on both sides allows others at the table to not have to fumble to remember the names of those sitting nearby them.

Both sides of the card should have the name on them and the card should be placed above the place setting in clear view of other diners.

If your meal is a get-together of friends or family who all know one another, flat place cards can be placed at each setting, on the charger, service plate or place plate to signify where one is to sit. Tent cards can also be used.

And by no means should place-cards ever be removed or rearranged by guests. Protocol and etiquette dictate that certain people be seated at certain places. Hosts and hostesses going to the trouble of following the rules in those situations are to be commended. A guest should never take it upon himself to “improve” the seating arrangement. — By Maura Graber for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Place Card and Menu Card Etiquette

A gentleman feels free to pick up the menu card and examine it, but he always puts it back on the table where he found it, so that it serves its others at the table.

When a gentleman arrives at a dinner party. he may discover that place cards have been set out on the table. He understands that his host or hostess will have given some thought to the arrangement of the guests. He also understands that his host or hostess will have consciously decided not to seat him next to his spouse or his date for the evening, as it is assumed that there will be other times when the gentleman can enjoy that person's company.

A gentleman feels free to check out the seating arrangement, even before the entire party is called to the table. If he discovers that he has been seated next to a person whose company he does not enjoy (perhaps even a guest with whom he has had a recent argument), he may ask his host or hostess if his place card may be moved. (He does not take it upon himself to rearrange the carefully planned table.) The host or hostess may agree to make the switch, or it may turn out that the change of place may require a reseating of the entire table– a complexity the host or hostess has no time to deal with at the last minute. If that turns out to be the case, a gentleman simply bucks up and makes the best of the evening, knowing that the dinner will be over within an hour or two.

Once he is seated at his table, a gentleman may find a menu card, outlining the courses for the dinner or luncheon, in front of his plate or between him and his closest dining companion. A gentleman feels free to pick up the menu card and examine it, but he always puts it back on the table where he found it, so that it serves its others at the table. — From “A Gentleman at the Table,” John Bridges and Bryan Curtis, 2004 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dinner Party Etiquette Do’s and Don'ts

What type of dinner party will you be inviting guests to? An alfresco candlelight party on the patio?  A formal dinner party in your dining room? — “Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.”

A few years ago, Dorothea Johnson, former etiquette writer for the Washington Star and entertainment lecturer for the Foreign Service Institute, received an invitation to “A Party.”

“It said, ‘Regrets only,’ but I phoned the hostess anyway to ask her what kind of party it was,” Johnson recounted at a recent lecture, “and she said, ‘Oh, just a party.’ I asked her, ‘What should I wear?,’ and she said, ‘Oh, anything.’ So I asked, ‘What are you wearing?’

“ ‘Oh, I haven’t given it a thought,’ came the reply.”

Johnson said she got out her I’m-not-sure dress, which is a basic black, “and my husband saw it and got out his I’m-not-sure suit— a three-piece gray.” They arrived at the party only to discover everyone else there dressed more casually “except a liaison from the British Embassy who said, ‘I say, aren’t we overdressed?’ ”


Hostesses should be kinder to their guests, said Johnson, a veteran of countless parties here and in the 20 other posts where her Marine family has been stationed.

More Than When and Where

Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.

All of this information should be issued by phone, she said. “I lecture to people in the diplomatic corps, and all over the world hostesses are having trouble with invitations. I haven’t sent out an invitation in eight years.”

Reminder in Mail

Instead, she gets a yes or no by phone, and then follows up with a reminder in the mail about a week before the party, giving the same details and including a map for newcomers. She issues the telephone invitation one to two months in advance because “around here, you have to get your bid in early.”

Then she gets out her calendar and breaks down the preparation for the party into several steps, doing as much as possible in the days and weeks before the party occurs.

“I try to do almost nothing the day of the party, so I can be relaxed for my guests,” she said. She said this is the key to a good party. “If you’re relaxed, your guests will be relaxed and will leave your place happy.”

It’s easier to stay relaxed if you start with the kind of party with which you’re most comfortable, she said.

“You don’t need to copy your neighbor or your friend, although I’m not above stealing a good idea here and there.”

Keep Menu Simple

She also emphasized that the food one prepares is not the key to a successful party. “If the food is splendid or elaborate, but you’re a nervous wreck, what do you think your guests will remember?” Simple food that can be prepared in advance and heated up quickly does best, and no more than three courses are necessary (main dish, salad and dessert).

You should also check with your guests before planning the menu, especially if you plan to serve foods that may be taboo to many: pork, seafood, foods cooked or soaked with liquor.

Johnson avoids serving fowl with bones (“I don’t think guests should have to struggle with it”) and anything that requires cutting, if the party is a buffet. “I’ve seen too many accidents happen when people hold their plates on their laps and try to cut,” she said.

Some Washington hostesses she interviewed for her column confessed that they use the same menus every year and that it doesn’t bother them. “They say that people don’t come for the food, anyway.”

Party Pointers

Here are some of Johnson’s party props:

— Pink light bulbs. “These make the women look beautiful and the men look handsome, and hide the dust,” she said.

— Tablecloths. She makes them out of inexpensive cotton or sheets on sale, and protects them from dripping wax by charring her candles before the party (lighting them, blowing them out and pinching off the charred wick). She also wards against spills from hot drinks by filling cups no more than three-quarters full--and serving them in the living room, if possible.

A last safety precaution is to set the table first with service plates— large glass plates that remain on the table throughout the changes of course. “I was once complimented on my fine Swedish crystal plates until I just couldn’t stand it,” she said, “and had to confess that they’re Pyrex pizza plates I bought for $1.29 each from the PX (post exchange).”

— Menus. Johnson writes out a copy on anything from informal note paper to paper bags (for a picnic) and places them between the place settings.

— Seating. She makes up a chart ahead of time and uses place cards, because she believes that saying, “Oh, just sit anywhere,” means you don’t care. Another Washington hostess uses place cards as a conversation piece. “She makes up clever names for each of her guests,” Johnson explained. “I’m always Emily Post Jr. A retired Naval officer was the Old Man of the Sea, and one fellow--a really shy man--was the Swinger.”

— Guests of honor. Honoring a special friend is a great excuse for a party, Johnson said. Remember that an honored male guest sits on the hostess’s right and an honored female guest to the right of the host. The place of honor in the living room, she said, is the right-hand side of the couch--a place that more than one unfortunate member of the diplomatic corps has unknowingly usurped, she reported.

Soup in Cups

— Hors d’oeuvres. Johnson doesn’t serve these anymore, substituting a soup course that she serves in cups while her guests are still in the living room.

— Buffet. A clever way to bring people to the buffet line is to slip the men names of women they are to escort, she said, or draw seasonal decorations (such as Christmas trees and shamrocks), cut them in patterns down the middle and have the two genders match up the halves. “That way married couples don’t always sit together.”

Johnson also advises hostesses to try sitting everywhere they expect their guests to sit (including the floor) to see if it’s comfortable —and reliable (“I’ve seen chairs break on guests”)— and serving beverages from a tray after everyone’s been served their food rather than have people balance a plate, silverware, napkin and glass as they wander about looking for a place to sit.

— Conversation. She advises using Eleanor Roosevelt’s trick with the alphabet: “She’d start with ‘A’ and think, apples— Aren’t the apples lovely this year? If that bombs, she’d go to ‘B,’ books —Has anyone read any good books lately? One night, they say, she got home and told F.D.R. about a terrible evening— she’d gotten all the way to ‘W’!”

She also helps ensure good conversation by never inviting only people from the same office or occupation and inviting “at least one new couple” to every party.

— Working women. She’s seen some splendid parties done all with carryout food, “and nobody knew but the hostess and me.” By setting the table the night before and coming home early enough to dump the carryout into pots and scoop ice cream into fancy dishes, you can pull off an elegant party--without having to ask your guests to help. — By Deborah Churchman, The Christian Science Monitor, Washington 1985

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette from Emily Post

One of the better known writers on manners, with her first book of etiquette published in 1922, is Emily Post. Though she died in 1960, her extended family (most notably her late-granddaughter in-law, Elizabeth Post) has successfully continued on with her legacy of  nearly a century of etiquette books, news columns and social media contributions. – Above, “Emily Post” by Miguel Covarrubias for Vanity Fair, December 1933 
– Image source, Pinterest 

Dear Mrs. Post: May a young woman who is going out with a young man for the evening, wear a corsage sent to her by some one else? 

Answer: I think a man who has very little money and who had wanted to send her flowers and was not able to afford it, might feel not only embarrassed but distressed. A so-called “gilded youth,” meaning one whose purse is more man usually deep, would not be likely to notice the flowers. If he does, he'll probably say, “Oh, I'm sorry,” and remember to send her some at another time.

Dear Mrs, Post: Mr. and Mrs. Graham are both medical doctors and both practising. How shall I introduce them socially and how can I let strangers know that they are man and wife? To say Dr. Mary Graham and Dr. John Graham might give the impression to some that they are brother and sister. 

Answer: Introduce them as Dr. Graham and his wife, Dr. Mary Graham. In this particular case it is best that the wife be introduced second rather than first, because to say Dr. Mary Graham and her husband, Dr. John Graham, does not sound as well as the other way about.

Dear Mrs. Post: Would it be sliding over one's obligations to give a dessert bridge in return for the other people's lunch party invitations? I am indebted to so many people and I cannot afford to give a real lunch party but that I might have a dessert bridge instead, if that could be considered a fair return. 

Answer: It is not necessary to repay hospitality in kind, but a fraction of a lunch in return for many complete luncheons would be a less happy choice than another type of party altogether. Therefore, I would rather suggest a buffet meal, either lunch or supper, and not just the last course of a luncheon. However, if a buffet meal is too much of an undertaking, it would be entirely proper to give a bridge party and serve afternoon tea with little sandwiches and cakes. According to best form, nothing more than this should be served at a bridge party, ever.

Dear Mrs. Post: At a dinner for 200, to celebrate a silver wedding anniversary, would the guests be seated with place cards at the small tables? 

Answer; I think most people find themselves more at ease if they have a definite place to go to, but it would not be easy to seat as many as 200. In other words, It is entirely correct to seat all the tables and on the other hand all right just to seat your own table, which includes yourself and the original bridal party and any others whom you would like especially to have with you. —Emily Post, 1939

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Place Card Etiquette and More

Use of Place Cards

I have never used place cards, and I think them a great convenience. Do you write the names of the guests and put them at the place you wish them to sit and are they supposed to carry them home with them as souvenirs? — “Ignorant” 

The place cards bear the names of the guests and are put at the places they are to occupy. They are usually laid on the napkins and are retained by the guests to be taken home If they wish. Where there are many to be seated or few these cards certainly make it easier for everyone.

The Matter of Calling Cards

I am at present visiting here in the city, but live in a small town. Quite a few people have called on me. In returning their calls do I leave my card, providing I find them at home?—A. L. 

When returning a first call it is quite the proper thing to leave your card as a matter of record, as well as to show you know the proper thing to, do. In the case of very intimate friends whom one calls upon frequently, it is not necessary to leave a card if the person is at home. –Madame Merrk, Sausalito News, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Entrées and “Extras”

Forks designed for a variety of courses —   Some say the word “entrée” came from the word “entremets.” An entremets (from the Old French, literally meaning “between servings”) is in modern French cuisine a small dish served between courses or simply a dessert. Originally, an elaborate form of entertainment dish, it was common among the nobility and upper middle class in Europe during the later Middle Ages. Entremets marked the end of a serving of courses.

Q . What is the meaning of entrée, and how is it pronounced?
A.  It is a dish served between the chief courses, or, in English usage, before the roast. Pronounced AHN-tra, first a as in ah, second a as in tray, accent first syllable. 

Q. My husband, some friends and I were discussing different courses of a dinner and their names. My husband and I agreed that we always thought of the entrée as being the appetizer, since logically you are ‘entering the meal.’ Our friends disagreed and said the entrée is a main course. The dictionary said the entrée is a side dish (which would make it seem my husband and I are right), yet while eating at one of the better restaurants we found the main course labeled ‘entrée.’ Please settle this question for us. If my husband and I are right, what is the correct name for the main course (other than what I called it)? In addition, please give us the correct names for all the courses.

A. The word entrée comes from the vocabulary of the great French chefs and from the days when formal dinners were elaborate affairs indeed. Originally it meant a dish served between the main courses of a banquet or, in the words of an English dictionary, “a made dish served between the fish and the joint.” Nowadays, of course, elaborate multicourse dinners are almost entirely a thing of the past, with the result that the meaning of “entrée” has gradually shifted until now it means any meat or fish course usually the main course of a meal. As to nomenclature of the courses, according to most etiquette authorities, even an elaborate formal dinner today should not have more than six, in this order:

• First the appetizer canapes, oysters or the like
• Second soup
• Third fish (this could be labeled “entrée” in the early sense of the word). 
• Fourth main or meat course (which today we would call the “entrée”)
• Fifth salad course
• Sixth dessert course

Q. When setting the table should a knife for the entrée be included? 
A. A knife for the entrée is seldom required, and is not used unless necessary.  

Q. Where do the salad fork and knife go in the table setting? 

A. The salad fork goes to the left of dinner plate, then come the meat fork and left of that the fork for fish or entrée. If a salad knife is used, it goes at right, next to the plate.

Q. We have no actual salad forks and nothing especially suitable for eating dessert. In fact, I have only very big knives and forks and the smaller ones which I had first before the newer big ones. 

A. It is too bad that you got big ones, because the medium sized ones are the essential ones. They are the only ones used for breakfast or lunch, and they are also used for fish, entrée,salad and dessert at dinner. Properly they are called small forks, but so many patterns made in the last few years have been absurdly tiny that I said medium instead. The small (medium) knife may very well be dispensed with by never serving fish with bones or skin, and never serving salads or cheeses impossible to eat with a fork alone. 

Q. I have been told that finger bowls are going out of fashion. Is this true?
A. Of course not. They are always put at the places either with or following the dessert plates. For that matter, they should also be proffered whenever fruit or broiled lobster or any other smeary food has been held in the fingers. 

Q. Are place cards used only at a formal dinner?
A. They are not used at dinners of less than, ten or at lunches or less than eight unless for some particular reason you want to put favors at the places for Christmas or an anniversary, for example.

 Sources— Syndicated articles by Emily Post, Roberta Lee, William Morris

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia