More Parent’s Etiquette Advice

POINTS FOR PARENTS

                                                                        By Edyth Thomas Wallace 

Children respect parents more for being fair than they do for being always right.

• Not This – Mother: “I can't see myself apologizing to a child because I thought he took money from my purse. Anyway, my talk on honesty won’t hurt him.”

• This – Mother: “Son. I want to apologize for insinuating that you took money from my purse. I remember now that I paid the paper boy with it.” – 1952

More than most people, parents need to remember that strong emotion and clear thinking cannot function at the same time.

• Not This – Father: “Now don’t go off to your room and sulk. Come back here and we'll settle this thing right now.”

• This – Father: “Let's wait and talk this over later, Son. We are both angry now and can't think clearly.” –1954

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Travel Etiquette

When much luggage is necessary for a trip, part of it should be sent ahead by express or else shipped through in the baggage car.

When traveling by train one should take as little baggage as possible, for storage space is limited. The passenger who must have his numerous belongings piled on the platform, where they obstruct passage from car to car, is a nuisance. 

When much luggage is necessary for a trip, part of it should be sent ahead by express or else shipped through in the baggage car. On the ticket, a certain amount of pounds go free. In the latter case, however, it is important to know that baggage cannot be shipped on the passenger's ticket beyond the point of his descent, and there is often a wait while the freight car is unloaded and baggage sorted out. 

In a Pullman, large bags are usually placed on the platform by the porter, unless they fit under the seat. They should be locked, of course. A small bag may go to a seat, but not if it is likely to be in the way of a seat mate. At night such a bag should be small enough to fit in the hammock above the berth. In a roomette or compartment all hand baggage is stored by the porter in the allotted space. — Amy Vanderbilt, 1954

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro 1950’s Etiquette Points

Do it this way.... Not the other!

Points for Parents and Retro "Modern Etiquette" from 1952

From Edyth Thomas Wallace 

and Roberta Lee

A small child's rudeness may be due to his ignorance of a more acceptable way of expressing himself.

Mother: "I'll slap your mouth every time you say such things as ‘shut up' to me. You are a bad boy to talk that way to your mother.” 

Mother:  "Instead of saying, ‘shut up, I’m talking,’ the polite thing to say is,‘Please don't interrupt me,' Now you say it the nice way."

Q.  Is it proper for women to shake hands with each other when being introduced? 

A. Women may, or may not, shake hands with each other, as they prefer, unless the one who is about to offer her hand is certain that it will be agreeable, she will do well not to be too hasty about making this advance. 

Q. If individual salt and pepper shakers are not used on the dinner table, how many should be provided? 

A. Salt and pepper shaker should be placed between every two covers. 

Q. When a girl is introducing the man she is to marry, should she speak of him as her fiancé?

A. Yes.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Railroad Dining Cars

Before, and even after plane travel in the 1950s, traveling by train encouraged a new concept of being “on time,” and new rules and etiquette for one's behavior in shared public spaces.

The Dining Car steward on the FSP (Friendly Southern Pacific!) told me last weekend that contrary to accepted etiquette, it’s not only proper but good sense to leave your spoon in the coffee cup—if you are on a moving train.

Pullman created the first dining cars on 1870's –“Numberless cultivated Americans traveling in Europe never by any chance speak English or carry English books on railroad trains, as a protection against the other type of American who allows no one to travel in the same compartment and escape conversation. The only way to avoid unwelcome importunities is literally to take refuge in assuming another nationality.” — Emily Post

Even aboard today's diessel-powered streamliners, coffee is apt to slosh a bit. He says it won't, however, if the spoon is left in the cup and it works better if the spoon is turned backwards. But look out for those quick gestures, low over the table. And while on the subject of the FSP, I had the nicest smoothest, on-time ride last Friday. D J Russell, president of the FSP was aboard. –The Desert Sun, 1957

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Amy Vanderbilt

Even Amy Vanderbilt knew to update her book, yet again, by 1972.

More And More ‘Couth’

Etiquette is dead, you say? Young people don't know the meaning of the word manners? Be advised that in the second major revision since it was published in 1952, Amy Vanderbilt has found it necessary to add 120,000 words to her standard book on etiquette. That's worth 200 printed pages, bringing the total to 960.
                                           

Sorry, but by 1972, you're toast! The long-suffering Anna Bates, lady's maid to Lady Mary, of Downton Abbey

The butler, footman and ladies’ maid are dead. Taking their place are sections on such things as how to behave in a sauna, the wearing of sunglasses, locker room speech (acceptable in the drawing room now) and the etiquette of snowmobiling. As the old French saying doesn’t have it, the more things change, the less they remain the same. –From The Desert Sun, 1972

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the  Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro 1963 Etiquette Advice for Women

How to Sweeten Your Personality

Sugar sweetens the tempers of those around us and makes the most ordinary event or encounter seem very special. Spice is important too, because it keeps sugar from being too bland.

Each of us now and then needs to take stock of her special feminine attributes and make sure she is including enough "sugar and spice and all things nice." Sugar sweetens the tempers of those around us and makes the most ordinary event or encounter seem very special. Spice is important too, because it keeps sugar from being too bland. In my work "sweetening" and "flavoring" the personality receive careful attention.

Do you smooth your way with magic words?

Explore, if you already haven't, the sweet use of pet names. A pet name makes another person feel he or she has a special place in your life and thoughts. A pet name (and this goes for general ones such as "honey" and "darling") should be spoken only with sweetness and good feeling. When you are out of patience with the one you love and can't keep the snap out of your voice, address the person by name.

"Please," "Thank you," "I am sorry," "You have been most helpful," "Please forgive me" -- such magic words sweeten every encounter when spoken with warmth and sincerity. Failure to say such things at the right time results in ruffled tempers and strained relationships. Use these magic words consistently with your family, friends, and everyone you meet.

Intimacy should never be used as an excuse to be careless with little courtesies. And take note that "to turn a pretty phrase" is considered a priceless social asset. It is not, for example, incorrect to say, "You are welcome," when you are thanked, but there are more gracious expressions: "I was delighted to do it," or, "It was my pleasure," if you have done an errand for someone. Or, after being thanked for a present: "I am so glad you were pleased." If a stranger thanks you for something such as information, nod and smile.

Can you compliment others sincerely?

A pet name makes another person feel he or she has a special place in your life and thoughts.

Flattery is defined as "excessive and insincere praise." A compliment is based on the truth, but one may exaggerate to create a light touch. It is unkind and patronizing to give false praise; you would compliment a plain woman upon her charm, not upon her beauty. Your friends' warm personality, consideration, humor, aptitudes, and understanding are all worthy of recognition. You can say: "You are more fun than anyone I know." Or "You walk so gracefully." In complimenting, avoid "left-handed" remarks. Say "Oh, what a becoming hairstyle!" Not: "You've changed your hair." Or: "Your hair looks so much better since you've had it cut." A compliment ceases to be a compliment if it suggests any criticism.

From "Social Awareness ~Your guide to today's manners"
By Luella Cuming for Family Circle Publications, 1963

Retro 1957 Etiquette for Teen Girls

Watch Your Hostess… and don't be disturbed if you are faced with a row of silver.

Most of these rules of table etiquette you will know, but if you are going out to a meal and want to be sure to do the right thing, it might be well to review them. 

• Remain Standing until your hostess and the other people are seated. If there are no man in the party, help to see the older members in their chairs.
• Start to Eat when your hostess does.
• Watch Your Hostess and don't be disturbed if you are faced with a row of silver. If you question which piece to use, do as she does. The rule, however, is to use the silver in order -- from the outside, working in.
• Ask for things to be passed instead of reaching across the table or in front of other guests.
• Eat Quietly, take small mouthfuls and be careful not to sip noisily. Do not talk with your mouth full. It is also very rude to mash your food or stir it conspicuously.
• At a Crowded Table be considerate of your neighbors and keep your elbows out of their way. 
• When You Have Finished Eating you should leave the silver in this order:
• The Bullion or Soup Spoon: should be left on the plate, not in the cup or bowl.
• Fruit Cup Spoons: should never be left in the glass cup, but on the plate.
• The Butter Knife: across the middle of the butter plate. 
• The Salad Fork: across the salad plate. 
• The Dinner Knife and Fork: parallel together across the plate. 
• The Dessert Spoon: on the plate, not in the sherbet glass.
• The Coffee Spoon: in the saucer, never in the cup. 
• Your Napkin: need not be folded if you are a guest for only one meal. But at home, do fold it neatly and leave it at your place.

  

From Emily R. Dow's 1957 "Brooms, Buttons and Beaux"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Women’s Banking Etiquette “Don'ts”

Who is the Bank? 

“A bank is not a building of brick, steel and concrete, with marble fixtures and metal bars with piles of money behind them. The human element is dominant there, just as in every other successful business organization.”

Banking Etiquette “Don'ts” for the Housewife of 1928

Hubby: The bank phoned me today that your account with them was over-drawn. 

Wife: That must be a mistake, as I still have a lot of checks left in my book.

That old joke's been man's standby for years. Mere man has always been of the opinion that it was absolutely impossible for a woman to keep her bank account as it should be kept. 

Without taking the side of either party in the controversy, we're listing below several banking "don'ts" for the housewife, that if strictly adhered to will enable her to keep her account absolutely correct it all times -- and eventually win the argument.

• Don't — write checks with lead pencils.
• Don't — use counter checks if you can possibly avoid it.
• Don't — ever write a check without first filling out the stub in your check book.
• Don't — fail to keep the amount of your checks totaled, also the amount of your deposits. The difference is the amount you should have in the bank.
• Don't — write checks for an amount greater than your balance. They will not be honored and will therefore cause embarrassment to you.
• Don't — fail to make deposit slips out in your own hand when making deposits to your account. Hand the teller your book and have the teller enter the amount of your deposit. This protects both you and the bank.
• Don't — ask the bank to give you the amount of your balance over the phone. This can not be done accurately for the reason their books might show one amount and a check you have given them previously, may not have been charged your account.
• Don't — fail to call for your bank statement the first of each month.
• Don't — leave either your bank or check book laying around — keep them locked up.

As soon as you get your statement, see if the amounts check with your figures and if so, you are ready to start out the new month in balance with your bank.

The officials of the bank you do business with, will gladly assist you in any way possible, in following the suggestions given above.— From The Southerner Magazine, January, 1928

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia      

Retro Voices on the Etiquette of Call Waiting and Voicemail

"No. We're not busy.  We've just been sitting here screening our calls on the answering machine.  Hysterically funny!  What are you up to, dear?"

'Call Waiting' and Other Conundrums of Telephone Etiquette

The telephone was an ornery object even when it was simple and ugly. Now that its shape has been streamlined, its colors lightened and brightened, and its works programmed to be as complicated as a jet aircraft, its arrogance knows no bounds. It is rude, intrusive and demanding. It beeps in the middle of a conversation and expects understanding and forgiveness. 

Now that telephones are not only everywhere - showers, airplanes, boats and gardens - but have become increasingly complicated, telephone manners are, quite naturally, becoming equally complicated. Assume that one makes a call and hears splashing water at the other end. Should one pretend that it's perfectly normal to talk to a naked person in a shower, or make a comment about it? Is it time for jokes, embarrassment or savoir-faire? 

''It's unchic to make a big deal out of it; you have to adopt an 'oh yes, so what' attitude,'' one caller said. ''There's no question that you subsconsciously visualize what that person looks like in the buff, but you've got to present yourself as calm, unruffled and unsurprised.'' 

The innovation most resented by most people is ''call waiting,'' a service or disservice formerly available only on telephones with several lines, and now possible on single-line instruments. This development punctuates a call with a beep, or beeps, if someone else is tying to get through while a conversation is going on. When this happens, the person already on the line is almost always asked to hold while the second call is answered.               

"Amazing!  This thing actually works! Oh wait... There's another call coming in.  Hang on. Let me see who that is..." Two of the country's leading etiquette experts were appalled at the concept of call waiting in the 1980s.  Most still are.

''It's last come, first served, an incredibly rude idea,'' said Judith Martin, who is also known as ''Miss Manners.'' ''It's an invention of the devil,'' said the late-Letitia Baldrige, the author of the revised ''Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette'' and ''Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to Executive Manners.'' 

''Let them call again,'' she said. ''For years people have re-dialed when the line was busy. They waited their turn. When I'm put on hold, I always hope that as my revenge, their other call will be someone wanting to sell them something.'' 

Mrs. Martin compared call-waiting to ''standing at a cocktail party and not paying attention to the person you're with, waiting for a more important person.'' 

A number of people not in the etiquette business also dislike call-waiting. ''I had it but I gave it up because I think it's terribly rude,'' said a singer-pianist. ''You either had to take that second call or keep on being interrupted by those beeps.'' One woman said she was of two minds about call-waiting, although she herself refused to have it. But, she said, most of the young people she works with, who are on the junior benefit committees for the Youth Counseling League, have the service. 

''I don't know which is more offensive, having your call broken into by another, or to keep calling and get a busy signal,'' she said. ''The only way to handle call-waiting with any kind of manners,'' she added, ''is to excuse yourself for a moment, answer the second call, take the number and return immediately to the original call.''

What's the etiquette of taking a telephone call in a car? 

The publisher of one magazine, said her own car had a speaker-phone but that she never used it if there were other people traveling with her. ''It's just plain manners,'' she said. However, she said, she always hires cars with telephones, and she frequently makes calls from airplanes, she said. She not only didn't agree with people who considered it gauche to announce that they were calling from a car or a plane, but she often found it useful. 

''I might tell them, 'It's costing me 50 cents a second from the car, and let's get down to business,' '' she said. ''And if I call from a plane, I always tell them where I am. People love it, they get a real high, and they always take the call.'' 

As for Mrs. Martin, her feelings about the telephone and its innovations go beyond call-waiting. Of one thing she's certain: She's not going to live at its beck and call. She has no ''ringing'' telephone in her home, she said. She said she manages very well with a 24-hour ''live'' answering service, and she returns calls at her convenience. ''The telephone demands to be attended to when it feels like it, regardless of what anyone is doing - and my husband and I have simply eliminated that,'' she said. ''We do not need to be reached day and night.'' 

''The fact is if more business was conducted by mail, the world would go around a lot faster,'' she said. ''The illusion that the telephone speeds up communication is ridiculous. You can spend days with messages back and forth.'' 

Mrs. Martin was considering updating the calling card routine once practiced by the tonier types of every city. Her idea was to institute ''telephone hours'' at home, where one could be ''in'' for calls between certain hours and ''not receive'' the rest of the time. 

She did, however, consider the answering machine a convenience, although it had one drawback. ''People get very angry because there is a deep-down belief that you should be available 24 hours a day,'' she said. ''The trouble with answering machines is that you're almost forced to return calls,'' said another woman. ''The excuse that your machine is, or was, on the blink can only be used once or twice.'' 

She also pointed out the trap of using the machine to screen calls - picking up only if it's someone you want to talk to. 

''Once they start doing that, their friends never believe that they're really out,'' she said. ''They are convinced that the person is really there but not picking up. The whole thing gets unbelievably convoluted.''

This originally was published in the NY Times, by Enid Nemy


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Retro Etiquette for Teens and Telephones

Dick Clark's Teen Etiquette Advice Book

Regarding fighting over the phone, from the chapter Alexander Graham Bell:

I certainly haven't looked into the situation very deeply, but one friend of mine maintains that people fight more easily on the telephone then they do in person. There's a kind of sense to his remarks, however, but I find it hard to slough off. Since what you say on the telephone is not accompanied -- for the benefit of the person listening -- with the hand motions, eye motions, or lip motions that also communicate what you're feeling, there's a big danger that you will be misunderstood. Hunch your shoulders, look dismayed, and say, "But I told you I can't go to the movies tomorrow!" And what you're actually saying is, "Much as I'd really like to be with you, I don't see any way that I can make it, and I feel worse than you do about having to refuse the date." The hunched shoulders and look of dismay are missing from the telephone impression; what your friend might receive can sound pretty much like this:  "Look, I've got other things to do, and you keep nagging me about this unimportant movie date. Get off my back!" The old adage, think before you speak, is pretty important anytime, especially when you're on the telephone. 

The old adage, think before you speak, is pretty important anytime, especially when you're on the telephone. 

My friend also says — and again I find it hard to disagree — that people are bolder on the telephone than they are in person. In one way, that's good it sure is easier to invite a gorgeous girl to the junior prom by telephone then in person. If you've been scared that she'll turn you down. But in another way, it makes for heap of trouble I think we've all been guilty, at one time or another, of telling someone off via the Alexander Graham Bell in terms that we wouldn't dare use in a face to face meeting. Is it so? Now that's something to think on while you're waiting for your next dial tone! — From Dick Clark's 1963 etiquette advice book for teens, "To Goof or Not To Goof"  

Because you can't see people's faces by telephone (at present that is, but science promises to remedy this drawback very soon) your voice and what you say are very important.

Basic Manners ~
On the Telephone

Telephones are not walkie talkies for barking orders and emergency messages. When you play or received a telephone call, it's almost like greeting a guest at the door. Because you can't see people's faces by telephone (at present that is, but science promises to remedy this drawback very soon) your voice and what you say are very important.

When you answer the phone -- Say "Hello" in a pleasant voice. Don't say "Yes?" impatiently, or -- like a junior butler --- "Jimmy Jones' residence!"

If the call is for you, say "This is Jimmy speaking"; not "This is me."

If the call is for someone else in the family, say "Just a moment, please, and I'll call him." Then don't give out with an ear splitting scream, but go find the other person and tell him he's wanted on the phone.

When you are called to the phone, start by saying "Hello," instead of "Who is it?"

When the call is for someone who isn't home, say "My mother isn't at home; may I take a message?" Never hesitate to ask for the spelling of someone's name. Say, "Will you please spell your name for me?" if you're not sure of it.

    

Science's remedy to the drawback of not being able to see people's faces over the phone ~ the videophone.

When the doorbell rings when you're talking on the phone, say "Excuse me," answer the door and --- if they are friends -- invite them in, then return to the phone and tell your caller you'll have to call him back later.

The person who places a call should be the first to say goodbye. If you find this difficult at times, try saying "I have to finish my homework now" or "I have to go now; someone else wants to use the phone." You should limit the length of your telephone calls to five or six minutes and call your friends at reasonable times: never before breakfast or after 9 p.m. unless it's an emergency. —From "Stand up, Shake hands, Say 'How Do You Do' ~ What boys need to know about today's manners" 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Etiquette for 1960's Housewives

Or... How to add to your husband's prestige.

Do you build respect for their father in your children?

Do You Know What Not to Talk About?

In some way nearly everything a wife does adds or detracts from her husband's stature.  When she drives him to the station in the morning looking happy and casually well-groomed, a contribution is being made to what he accomplishes that day. The grace and dignity with which she goes about her daily errands add to the dignity of his reputation. The ease and charm with which she entertains their guests makes their home seem a very special place. When she takes part in community activities, it adds to his prestige, and business organizations have long been aware that a man's wife is an important factor in his work. The image she presents of him to her friends and neighbors in conversation often has much to do with the opinion they form of him.

A wife who refrains from discussing certain subjects often contributes to her husbands prestige in subtle ways. Even when other women in your group are indiscrete in revealing intimate facts about their married life, remain tactfully silent. Information that should not be revealed even to close friends include any lacks in your husband's background or education, any business ambition or disappointments, and, of course, any personal limitations or idiosyncrasies. To mention these is poor taste as well as disloyal. You should not, on the other hand, boast about your husband to outsiders. To do so embarrasses the listener.

Personal financial matters are never a good subject for conversation. A wife should not reveal her husband's salary or other sources of income. To suggest that a husband's salary is inadequate makes him seem unsuccessful. Confidences about debt, loans, or mortgages are also taboo. The working wife should never say that she has to work because they need the money (even if this is true) or reveal the amount of her salary or mention what she buys or contributes to household expenses.

A wife who refrains from discussing certain subjects often contributes to her husbands prestige in subtle ways.

It is unwise to mention that your husband expects a promotion in his work or that he has failed to get a promotion he sought. It would also be unwise to confide that your husband has a chronic illness or to give detailed information about any acute illness. Anything that suggests emotional stress should not be mentioned. And his age or your own or any great difference between them is better not discussed.

The tactful wife, even if she shares her husband's beliefs on religious, philosophical, or political matters, should not become his spokesman in conversation. She should preface her remarks with "I believe ..." or "I think..." Not, "We believe..." and so forth.

The subtle way to let others know that a life goal has been reached, is to invite intimates to share an informal celebration.

A man's personal ambitions also should be revealed only by the man himself. Women too often reveal their husband's confidences in these matters with the thought of indicating that he is ambitious. The time for others to know about such hopes is after they are realized. The subtle way to let others know that a life goal has been reached, is to invite intimates to share an informal celebration. A loyal wife will also be on guard to protect her husband when prying questions are asked. Usually the light touch is helpful in warding these off.

  

Do You Know How to Talk with Business Associates?  

When she drives him to the station in the morning looking happy and casually well-groomed, a contribution is being made to what he accomplishes that day.

In talking with her husband's business associates, a wife should not quote her husband too often -- and then never about business matters. She shows intelligence and individuality by sticking to impersonal topics of conversation that nearly everyone finds interesting. When asked what her husband thinks about a certain subject, she would smile and say: "Perhaps you should let Rod answer that question himself." This suggests her husband has a mind of his own.

In meeting her husband's employees or subordinates, she should be cordial, impeccably courteous, and interested in what they have to say, without seeming curious or familiar. She should avoid talking about her husband or other personal matters and she should give the impression that she knows nothing personal about those with whom she talks. By seeming innocent of even small matters, she conveys that important matters -- illness, family problems -- are also unknown.

Before social encounters with business associates, clients, customers, and so forth, a wife should check with her husband about certain topics and find out whether they should be mentioned or not. The wife who uses personal diplomacy to protect her husband in even the smallest matters makes him seem discreet.

Do You Build Respect for Their Father in Your Children?

When a wife shows respect and consideration for her husband, she sets an example that their children will usually follow. She should be careful with what she teases her husband about in the presence of their children, because often the children do not understand such levity. The children should often hear their father lauded in terms of attractive personality traits and accomplishments that are not related to money.

A wife should never derogate or criticize her husband in front of their children.  Building their father up to your children is one of the best ways of instilling pride in their family name. It also gives the child a feeling that he is someone special to have such a father. The mother who confides her husband's limitations to her children is filling their minds with uncertainty about their family status.

The children should often hear their father lauded in terms of attractive personality traits and accomplishments that are not related to money.

The wife who fully accepts her responsibilities as a homemaker will want to do her job as well as her husband does his.  If you know that it is disruptive to call him often at work about household problems, refrain from doing so.  A wife who jeopardizes her husband's credit by running up bills or by spending money unwisely reflects upon him as well as herself. On the other hand, paying bills promptly and exercising good judgment in spending money will make her admired by those with whom she does business and will improve her husband's community standing.

From 1963's "Social Awareness -- Your Guide to Today's Manners," by Luella Cumming