Savage Manners and Etiquette

The so-called savages of the South Seas held very different cultural beliefs than those from the Western world of Europe and the British Isles, and cultural misunderstandings led to, in most cases, wild accusations of savagery and overall ignorance, when these ancient cultures were no more savage than many other parts of the world.— Image source, Etiquipedia private library

So-Called “Savages” First to Use Finger Bowl

A student of manners and customs informs us that the finger bowl is not an invention of civilized peoples. On the contrary, the finger bowl is indigenous to the South Sea islands, though it does not follow that the western world has copied the east in this respect. The bowl which is passed after a meal in the house on a South Sea island is the half of a cocoanut shell, which is thrown away after being once used. — In the Sausalito News, July, 1911

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

To Remove or Not: Glove Etiquette

Heavy, soiled gloves are not held to the same standards as fashionable gloves. Different rules apply. – Image source, Etiquipedia private library

Q. Is it necessary to remove the glove before shaking hands? Are there certain occasions when this is or is not necessary?- From "Waiting"

A. If a man should be working and have on heavy soiled gloves he should remove them before shaking hands, otherwise it is not necessary.

– By Madame Merri, 1912

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Changed by Ungloved Prince

Before becoming King Edward VII, Prince Albert spent quite a bit of time socializing and womanizing in Paris. Gloves were required there, though he started the “no gloves” trend in his home country. – Image source, Pinterest

No Gloves

The ungloved hand can now be extended in society without reproach. The fact illustrates the whimsical basis upon which conventions rest. One day the Prince of Wales drove off in a hurry to hold a levee for the Queen. On arriving at the drawing-room he found himself gloveless. It was too late to send, and as it wouldn’t have been etiquette for the rest to wear gloves when the Prince had none, the ceremony was a gloveless one. 

After that gloves were banished from the great socials, ceremonials, and even in the street. The fashion has come to this country. During the last two years gentlemen have appeared everywhere ungloved in the street, the drawing-room, the opera, and the theatre. In France, however, it would be considered as improper to appear in a drawing-room ungloved as unshod. But as gloves are cheaper on the Continent than in this country or England, the proprieties may be observed at a less cost. – The Daily Morning Times, 1881

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Cast Iron Law Etiquette at Versailles

Kirsten Dunst as “Marie Antoinette” and Judy Davis as “Madame Etiquette” in the 2006 film “Marie Antoinette” depicting a similar scene as to the second anecdote described below. – Image source, Pinterest

STRICT RULES OF ETIQUETTE:

In Ancient France Everything Went by Cast Iron Law

In Baron Rothschild’s recent book of anecdotes he tells some curious tales of the extremely stringent rules of etiquette which prevailed at the French Court in the reign of Louis XVI. Marie Antoinette christened the Comtesse de Noailles, “Madame Etiquette.” Once, when she fell from a donkey in her private grounds, she jumped to her feet and cried out, laughing: “Go and fetch Mme. de Noailles; she will tell us what is prescribed for a Queen of France when she falls off a donkey.”

One cold winter night, when the Queen was undressing, the maid was handing her the chemise de nuit when the lady in waiting came in, to whom, as being of of superior rank, the garment had to be given over. She could not touch it, however, until she had removed her gloves, and before that operation had been performed the Duchess d’Orleans, a princess of the blood, turned up, and after her, the Comtesse de Provence, who was of higher rank still, so that the chemise had to be handed from one to the other, while the Queen stood waiting and shivering. At last, unable to contain herself any longer, she exclaimed: “It is odious! What a nuisance!” — In “The Mirror,” 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ancient Glove Etiquette

This was advertising, among other items, Dents leather gloves as Christmas gifts in 1913 – According to RoyalWarrant.org, Dents in Worcestershire “has manufactured fine leather gloves for over 240 years. The company was established in Worcester in 1777. Today the company continues to practice the traditional glove making skills, to create its fine gloves.” Dents holds a Royal Warrant as “Manufacturers of Gloves By Appointment to: HRH The Former Prince of Wales”

And according to Visit Woodstock.uk.com, Woodstock was a noted centre for the manufacture of sheep and deer hide gloves. These used to be sewn by women working at home, but from the late 19th century, small factories developed in backyards. At one time there were up to ten factories in the town. This one was named after master Edmund Webley and was an active glove factory until it closed in the 1950s.

Woodstock and Worcester leather gloves are of ancient celebrity. In the Middle Ages the giving of a glove was a ceremony of investiture in bestowing lands and dignities. 

In England, in the reign of Edward II, the deprivation of gloves was a ceremony of degradation. The importation of foreign gloves into England was not permitted until 1825. – From Chicago Herald, September 1892

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Finger Bowls No More in Oregon?

The death of finger bowls was predicted very early in the 20th century, as more and more people traveled by rail and fewer people entertained with grand, multi-course meals. The use of finger bowls wouldn’t truly become uncommon until the 1960’s. Sixty years later, they are a welcome surprise at an exceptionally fine dining event. It’s too bad that very few people have the opportunity to use one, or even the knowledge of how to use them properly. 

SALEM, Ore., Feb. 19. (United Press)— The dear old finger bowl, which was to a restaurant waiter what the whisk-broom is to Pullman porter - the reminder that a generous tip is expected - is joining the Oregon elephant in blissful extinction. It is still used to some extent, but it is not so obvious as of yore.

Early in January the State Board of Health in conference assembled put its germ-killing heel down upon the post-prandial ablution. The board gave restaurateurs thirty days in which to store all finger bowls and ordered them never to allow bowls to appear on patrons' tables again.

The bowls spread germs, these guardians of the state's health maintained. Even scalding fails to kill the little fellows that know no union hours but work the clock around.

Because they were detremental to the state's health, particularly he health of those portions of the state which could afford restaurants where the finger bowl was an important adjunct to the cuisine, the bowls were ruled off the boards by the anti-germ campaigners.

Nowadays— in Oregon - upon the completion of a successful meal, one must seek the nearest sanitary drinking fountain and surreptitiously permit the limpid fluid to trickle over the fingertips in cleanly abandon. And then one uses one's handkerchief to do the drying, or waves the hands about in the air much in the manner affected by the young lady in "The Dance of the Fairies."

Some people doubt if the bowl ever will go out completely in Oregon. Some restaurateur may work up a test case, in which event the evidence introduced in court promises to be interesting. — Madeira Tribune, 1923

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Our Blue Ribbon Winner for 2023 – Professional Category

For our Third Annual Etiquipedia International Place Setting Competition, first-time competitor, Renita Jackson, was our Blue Ribbon Winner for the Professional category. Renita’s lovely setting for the place setting 2023 contest was a mid-century modern, post-World War II tea place setting for two in a mixture of whites and pinks.

👑 👑 👑 👑 👑 👑

Renita Jackson is a native of St. Louis, Missouri in the United States and the founder of Jackson Etiquette. She is a graduate of Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville where she double majored in Mass Communications and Public Relations. After working in radio broadcasting and customer service in the insurance industry, she was trained in the etiquette business in 2004 at The Etiquette Institute of St. Louis, though her passion for etiquette and doing things the proper way goes back much further in time.
As a little girl growing up in St. Louis, Renita's mother taught Renita and her siblings the different aspects of etiquette and manners simply by consulting an etiquette reference book they had in their home. Those lessons instilled by her mother continue to spark the passion for teaching etiquette that Renita has today. 
Renita is a member of The Etiquette Institute and has affiliations with The Protocol School of Washington, The American Associations of Etiquette Professionals, and The National Association of Urban Etiquette Professionals (NAUEP) where she was also awarded the organization’s Etiquette Instructor of the Year for 2016 and served as the President of the organization from 2017-2019.
A busy wife, mother and grandmother, Renita teaches etiquette classes and social skills workshops to children and adults in public and private schools, universities, community organizations, businesses, and various other organizations.She is also an active member at Church On The Rock, where she serves on the Host Ministry Team and is a Youth Leader for the Uprising Youth Ministry. She has authored and co-authored several books. 
Her motto is: Restoring and refining social graces for everyone every day. You can learn more about Renita at www.JacksonEtiquette.com

Congratulations, Renita!

The simplicity of the typical post-WWII British tea table is reflected in Renita’s table setting elements. Even in 1953, Great Britain was still, like Europe, recovering from the war and was living with, and dealing with, an austere rationing environment. Any display of ostentation was considered in poor taste. The assemblage of roses, combined with the pink floral teapot and gleaming silver tea tray lend an overall note of elegance.

 The following is our interview with Renita:

1. How did you choose the menu and various elements you used in your setting, and why? Please explain each of the utensils at your setting… For which of the foods on your menu (or course) was each different item intended? 

I created a menu to replicate a selection that was a combination of traditional tea savories, such as the cucumber and egg sandwiches, scones, and butter cookies, as well as more contemporary pimento cheese sandwiches and tartlets. 

The savories, to be eaten first, would be placed on the bottom level of the tray. These are finger sandwiches and therefore there is no utensil provided for them. The middle tray holds the scones. There are two dishes on the table for the clotted cream and jam. The scones can be broken open to spoon on the cream and jam if desired. The individual knife on the place setting for spreading the cream and jam.  

The top tray holds the pastries. These are also finger foods and no utensil was provided for them. The small spoon on the place setting is for use with the tea.

2. Why did you choose this particular period in time to set your table? Please go into as much detail as you can. 

• Afternoon tea not only fulfilled a need to ward off the hunger pangs between breakfast and dinner, it was also a social time for the ladies to gather together and enjoy being in the company of other ladies to chat. Ladies would dress up for such a social event that was possibly the highlight of the day. I chose this particular period for my table setting because I think afternoon tea is a perfect and elegant setting for a gathering of friends to enjoy and share in each other’s company.

Afternoon tea not only fulfilled a need to ward off the hunger pangs between breakfast and dinner, it was also a social time for the ladies to gather together and enjoy being in the company of other ladies to chat. Ladies would dress up for such a social event that was possibly the highlight of the day. I chose this particular period for my table setting because I think afternoon tea is a perfect and elegant setting for a gathering of friends to enjoy and share in each other’s company.

3. Have you always enjoyed a properly set table? Or, if not, was the table setting something you learned to enjoy through your social life and/or business later on in life? 

• Yes. In our home, we try to always sit down to family dinner together. We always set the table. It is not always fancy and it may only consist of just a few needed pieces. I have sons and I raised them to learn how to set a proper table. I thought this was important for them to learn and they now know how to dine properly when they are away from home.

4. Did you do any research on table setting etiquette before setting your elements at the table?

• I know some of the basics, but I did review some of my books for ideas.

The embroidered vintage linen napkin adds a dash of color to the white china background on the tea set and milk-glass plates.

5. Do you plan on entering again next year? 

• Yes, I plan to enter again next year. I was very late getting started this time and entered the competition on the last day or two. I would like to get an earlier start and do a better job.

6. Do you have any special memory they had of watching the Coronation or the Queen’s funeral (if any)?

• I did watch the Queen’s funeral as well as the King’s Coronation. I don’t have any particular memories that I can recall at this time. However, I do recall that everything was done with great elegance and timing.

Elizabeth Soos and I wish to say again, “Congratulations on your Blue Ribbon winning table, Renita!” 👑
 – Maura Graber

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More ‘50’s Manners for Smoking

Don't be sneaky in reaching for a smoke. Take the pack out. Offer around. If a man declines, fine; don't offer the next time. If a woman declines, you re-offer every time you smoke yourself. That's etiquette for you. Say you're with a woman at the theater. Intermission comes and you're dying for a smoke. Your companion doesn't want one. What do you do? Well, Idiot, go out and smoke alone. After all, as Kipling said, a “woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.”

Tobacco Taboos Help Clear the Air

In their eagerness to protect minority rights, lawmakers have neglected the most persecuted minority of them all: Non-smokers. The trouble with the non-smoker is that he is integrated when he would rather be segregated. In church or museum, he may find respite from the nicotine pall, but anywhere else he's fated to burning nostrils, slinging eyes and semi-suffocation. Superiority in numbers, however, doesn't give the smoker the right to spurn certain taboos with respect to his weed. 

These Include: 

• Don't smoke at religious ceremonies.
• Ditto at weddings, funerals, dedications. 
• Don't smoke in sickrooms, either, unless the occupant lights up first. 
• Don't lay your cigarette on the edge of a table or other piece of furniture. Not only does the table burn; so does the table's owner. 
• AVOID asphyxiating people. Watch where the smoke drifts when you lay down your cigarette. 
• And when you finally extinguish the thing, do a bang-up job. Ashes are for ashtrays. 
• Take a hint If your host or hostess hasn't provided ashtrays, it may mean smoking is frowned upon. There are more no smoking signs than "No Smoking" signs. 
• That goes for fancy dinner parties, too. The absence of ashtrays probably means one thing: the gourmets prefer their salads unsullied by smoke. 
• UNLESS you're a hood in a B-movie, clear your mouth of fuming impediments and stogies when talking, shaking hands or tipping your hat. 
• Don't be sneaky in reaching for a smoke. Take the pack out. Offer around. 
• If a man declines, fine; don't offer the next time. If a woman declines, you re-offer every time you smoke yourself. That's etiquette for you. Say you're with a woman at the theater. Intermission comes and you're dying for a smoke. Your companion doesn't want one. What do you do? Well, Idiot, go out and smoke alone. After all, as Kipling said, a "woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." 

Q & A ON P'S & Q'S 

(Q) "I'm job-hunting. During interviews I get jittery and light up a cigarette. Should I?" B. P.

(A) It's poor manners to light up In any stranger's office without permission. It may be disastrous in a job Interview.

By Don Goodwin in “Male Polish,” 1959

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“He knew a ‘No Smoking’ sign when he saw one, and if he did not see one, he knew the no-smoking places libraries, museums, concert halls, courts, streetcars, day coaches, airfields, most large department stores, etc. It was ridiculous, Bogart knew, to get arrested for smoking in these places when you can get nabbed for something big…”

Bogie the Model Smoker

When the late Humphrey Bogart smoked a cigarette, it was pure art. All the little acts involved lighting up, inhaling, exhaling were handled with devastating ease. But it wasn't put on. The cigarette was part of Humphrey, and ashes never toppled on his vest and smoke never got in anyone's eyes. For years, whenever kids took a fling at smoking, they had a mental picture Humphrey Bogart. Many of them, no doubt, found they couldn't copy Bogie's' technique, so they dropped the habit out of shame. Thus, the man was not a total bad influence. Today there are other movie heroes to imitate, but if a man MUST smoke, he still can't beat Bogie for a model. 

Here are some things he did not do: 

• HE didn't take chances. He knew a "No Smoking" sign when he saw one, and if he did not see one, he knew the no-smoking places libraries, museums, concert halls, courts, streetcars, day coaches, airfields, most large department stores, etc. It was ridiculous, Bogart knew, to get arrested for smoking in these places when you can get nabbed for something big, like shooting Sidney Greenstreet, for example. 
• He seldom danced, being a sedentary drinking type, but when he did, he left his cigarette behind. 
• Neither did he spend a conspicuous amount of time in church. Still, he knew better than to smoke in one. 
• For that matter, you shouldn't smoke at any religious or ceremonial function, such as a wedding or christening, but the chances of Bogie attending the latter were remote, indeed. 

WHEN he chose to wipe out somebody, he generally used his rod and not his cigarette. He didn't asphyxiate his victim, that is, with clouds of smoke. Polished mobster that he was, he even watched where the , fumes drifted when his weed was at rest. And when he finally extinguished the thing, he did a thorough job, agreeing with Emily Post that nothing induces "nicotine nausea" like a smoldering cigarette. He knew, too, that ashes are for ashtrays. 

If his hostess (or prop man) hadn't provided one, why, Humphrey just didn't smoke. There is no record on celluloid of his putting ashes in his pant cuffs, either. Or in lamp bases. Or in flowerpots. (Okay, so maybe ashes ARE good for flowers, or even rugs. Does this justify flicking ashes on same? Not in Humphrey's book.) He didn't lay his cigarette on the edge of a table or other piece of furniture. His reasoning probably went this way: If the table burns, so will its owner. And if the owner burns, he may rat on me to the cops (not about the table, but about plugging Louie). Then I’ll burn! Even men without this particular concern should be careful where they put their cigarettes. 

Q & A on P's & Q's 

(Q) "Neighbors had my husband and me for dinner recently and when we went to the table my husband took his cigar with him. Between courses he would light it up and take a few drags. I think maybe he had too many Martinis before dinner, but this was no excuse, was it?" Mrs. T. S., Philadelphia.

 

(A) Certainly not. If cigars are smoked at the dinner table at all, it should be after the meal is over. Watch those Martinis, by the way.

By Don Goodwin in “Male Polish,” 1958

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for House Guests

Putting feet upon furniture can be seen as highly offensive in general, it’s even worse in cultures and countries in which showing the soles of your feet is considered to be worse than just insulting.

Some Privileges are Reserved for Hosts

"Make yourself at home" is a pleasant little remark that can have unpleasant consequences. They arise when a guest interprets the remark too literally. In treating his host's diggings like his own, he breaches etiquette in a dozen ways. Few hosts, for example, appreciate having a guest prop his feet on furniture. Few hosts rest easy when guests sprawl on antiques, perch on table tops or lean back on chair legs.

Few hosts approve of a guest flicking ashes– even inadvertently – on the rug or tossing cigarette butts in the fireplace. Few hosts wax enthusiastic when a guest puts ashes in vases or flowerpots. Few enjoy seeing him snuff out a cigarette in a cup or saucer – a practice that both offends sensibilities and mars china.

Few cotton to mud tracks on the rug (because a guest didn't clean his shoes) or grease stains on the upholstery from a guest's oily hair. A host can do these things with impunity, if not from his wife, at least from other sources. Guests aren't so lucky.

HOSTS, of course, have other rights than property rights. Additionally they are or like to think they are lords and masters of their own household. It's wrong for a guest to usurp this role. He shouldn't, for instance, try to "fix" things in another's home. 

• If he spots a loose chair leg, he shouldn't call for a screw driver; it suggests the host is a slouch for not having fixed it himself.
• He shouldn't voluntarily wind clocks, straighten pictures or adjust thermostats. If he's warm, there are better ways to tell the host than throwing up a window.
• He shouldn't commandeer the telephone, invite friends over, or borrow the host's car without permission.He shouldn't reprove the host's children or order around his servants.He shouldn't monkey with the TV set or arbitrarily substitute Caruso for calypso on the hi-fi. He should reserve even the more subtle hostly rights – such as the right to strew the Sunday papers for the host. Guests, above all, should be tidy. 

Q&A ON P’S & Q'S 

(Q) "When visiting someone, I seldom use the guest towels. 

They're so white and pretty, it seems a pity to soil them. Instead I use the host's towel. Is this wrong?" Н. В. 

(A) It certainly is wrong. Guest towels are not just for show; they are there to be used. Most hosts vastly prefer your using them to wiping your hands on their personal towels. 

By Don Goodwin in “Male Polish,” 1957

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Paper Napkins

Paper napkins can be very decorative, but they can also can be flimsy. If you choose to use, or must use paper napkins, it is okay to use more than one.  Paper napkins are generally recommended only for the most casual of dining, or for very large parties which would normally require a large abundance of linen cocktail napkins, or when crudités and other types of small finger foods are being served.

Dear Mrs. Post: I have always disliked paper napkins; in fact, when given one in a restaurant I always feel inclined to walk out. But my dislike seems to have become a boomerang. I am giving a large cocktail party, inviting over a hundred people and it is impossible to provide linen napkins for so many people. Do you think paper ones on such an occasion would be permissible?

Answer: At a cocktail party napkins are not necessarily provided. And perhaps if you put your own in a pile on the table, they will be sufficient. In addition to these, you might get some paper ones, to have ready in case your supply runs out.

From Emily Post, “In Good Taste,” 1937

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette at Club Teas

As has long been custom, being asked to pour at a tea is an honor. It should always be looked upon as just that. If a hostess asks you to pour at her afternoon tea, she sees you as friendly, cheerful, competent and, probably, a person who is tidy and detailed. — “If sufficient members of the committee take turns at pouring, it should not be too tiring for any one of them, and there is no question that club hostesses at the tea table would create a more friendly atmosphere.” ~ Emily Post, 1937

Let the Women Pour

Dear Mrs. Post: Our women's club is giving a large tea for approximately a hundred and fifty guests. Would you suggest that it is better at a tea of this size to let the hotel do all the serving, or do you think it more friendly to have members of the committee preside at the tea table?

Answer: At a tea for as many as fifty, the details of serving are more often than not taken care of by the caterers, or by the servants in a private house. However, in your case, if sufficient members of the committee take turns at pouring, it should not be too tiring for any one of them, and there is no question that club hostesses at the tea table would create a more friendly atmosphere. In any case, all the other details of replacing used cups and saucers with fresh ones and replenishing sandwiches and cakes and passing them will be taken care of by the hotel. 

Emily Post in “Good Taste Today,” 1937

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners and Carving Etiquette

If your husband complains when confronted with the Thanksgiving turkey - you might tell him that carving is the Art of Noblemen. In the Middle Ages, Edward IV of England was served by no less than five Royal Carvers, all noblemen of high degree. After the carving, correct etiquette for those times called for a sort of "grab and gobble" technique, without benefit of table cutlery!

Wail of the Man Who Carves for a Large Family

"A Veteran" writes to the Listener of the Boston Transcript to complain of table manners in these later days, incidentally protesting against the hard lot of the father who has to carve for a large family: "In the old way we are taught to wait until the carving and helping was done before beginning to dispose of the food, out of respect to the carver, and so that he might have a chance to get something to eat and not come out behind all others at the table, but modern 'table manners' seem to have changed all that, and if the carver gets anything to eat he is lucky.

“Modern table manners also do not appear to regard it as any way inappropriate to have a newspaper at hand to occupy the time at table. The old way was to occupy the time in lively conversation, and reading a paper or book was disrespectful. In modern table manners there seems no incivility in lighting a cigarette at the table or in adjourning to the hall to smoke one while the table is being cleared for dessert. There are many other innovations in modern table manners which might be noted, but I think many of the old ways best."

The Listener gives the old grumbler comfort. "It is a queer father of a family who expects to carve and get anything to eat. The size of the roast may be simply prodigious, but, even if the young people at the table who were first served do not come around for a second helping by the time the last person is served the first time the roast will probably by that time have got into the shapeless and refractory condition peculiar to roasts, which will incline the carver to content himself with a little bread and gravy– or at least to the edges off the pangs of hunger with something of that sort, while he is organizing a second assault on the roast for the benefit of the others." – Placer Herald, 1898

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on Finger Bowl Doilies

Originally, the word “doily” referred to as small napkin or decorative “piece of linen.” The word doily, also originally “doyley” was first used in 1711. Over the decades, doily has come to mean a small, lacy, decorative mat or crocheted piece of lace for finger bowls or desserts to be placed on. – “ Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in on the dessert-plates. Each person at once removes the bowl and doyley to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate.” – From the Etiquette of Gilded Age Dinners and Service

Don't Dirty a Doily

Dear Mrs. Post: When the finger bowl is brought to the table on the dessert plate, on which is a lace doily, how does one remove the finger bowl to the table, and where is it put? Is the doily removed with it, or is dessert put on the doily?

Answer: The doily should be lifted off with the finger bowl and both put down at your place wherever there is room. On no account put anything eatable on top of a lace doily.

Emily Post, in “Good Taste Today,” 1937 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

American Manners in 1981

State dinners had become so large by Ronald Reagan's presidency that none of the china could accommodate the number of guests. First Lady Nancy Reagan ordered 4,370 pieces of Lenox china, enough place settings of 19 pieces for 220 people. This was nearly twice as many placesettings as other recent services. The Reagans wanted a design that would display a strong presence for the subtly colored State Dining Room, now painted white. Nancy Reagan worked closely with Lenox designers to create a pattern with bands in a striking scarlet red, which was her favorite color. The pattern was bordered on each side with etched gold, which created a sparkling contrast with the soft ivory china. The presidential seal was in raised gold in the center, partially overlaying the red border. On pieces such as the service and dessert plates, fine gold crosshatching overlays the red. The Reagans were often criticized for the $209,508 cost, but the china was not funded by taxpayers. It was paid for by the J.P. Knapp Foundation.

The Social Graces Come Back Into Style

The Ronald Reagan family, setting a new lifestyle in the White House, also is turning America around on its social graces. You could call the process Nancy's national finishing school. Minding your Ps and Qs went into limbo in the revolutionary 1960s, remained there through the informal days of the Carter administration, but now is resurging under the Reagan influence, says one social arbiter who has written 12 etiquette books. What next? White gloves again, perhaps even hats, tea dances instead of disco, organdy replacing denim, and the waltz instead of the Texas two-step Marjabelle Stewart, who has made a successful career of teaching etiquette to everyone from 5-year-olds to executives on the way up. said the Reagans perhaps without being aware of their influence are casting an aura of elegance that is contagious. “They entertain graciously,” she said “They have the same attitudes, the same manners This is the most comfortable the White House has ever been ... all the Reagans did was move from one home to another. 

“The Reagans are truly representative Americans. They're so low key. They didnt have to have a new house. We had an aura when the Kennedys were in the White House. But Jackie brought a definitely European flavor. She leaned more to entertaining the French and British.” Mrs. Stewart, in a telephone interview from her home in Kewanne, Illinois, cited other factors reviving old-fashioned good manners and taste. “The royal wedding (of Prince Charles and Lady Diana) has had a big effect,” she said. “Think of how many Americans got up at weird hours to watch it on television. I'm in the Moline, Illinois, area and that meant getting up six hours early. Just how much that ultra-formal wedding will have in establishing more formality at weddings of other couples remains to be seen, when the peak marrying season arrives in the spring and summer. Especially with that 26 foot long train of Princess Diana’s,” she said. 

“It also remains to be seen how many young women will take to hats.” The Princess of Wales was hatted for her departure on the honeymoon and has worn chapeaux at almost every public appearance since. But then Britain's royal women have had an addiction to hats for generations. Mrs. Stewart said “renewed stress on formal education also was having an effect upward mobility, I call it,” she said. “You have a happy feeling that you're on your way. There is the communications influence. More people read, see and hear about everyday courtesies…Were buying etiquette books because we need them, not because we're putting on,” she said

Mrs. Stewart became an etiquette authority from running a finishing school in Silver Spring. Md. Robert Luce, a publisher, had a daughter in the school and suggested that Mrs. Stewart put some thoughts into a book. From this grew another idea: Why not offer etiquette classes through department stores? The White Gloves & Party Manners business was established in the 1960s. At one time, she had 400 franchises in leading stores around the nation. In the 70s she fell on hard times but says today, "I kept teaching in the Southern belt. They'd die before they give up their manners. – From and article by Gay Pauley, UPI Senior Editor:  1981

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Dining Service Etiquette

There are three simple rules of etiquette when dining out: get fed, stay as clean as you can and attract no attention. –We at Etiquipedia have found that one’s attitude in a restaurant can also affect the service you receive. A smile with an upbeat attitude and good manners can be a winning combination toward having a good time when out dining.

There are a wealth of etiquette books and guides for the dining hour, each seeming to outdo the other in exactness. There are three simple rules of etiquette when dining out: get fed, stay as clean as you can and attract no attention. It is not nearly as important to know which foods Amy Vanderbilt allows to be eaten with the fingers, or which fork to use when confronted by a row of beautifully polished silver, as it is to eat with a minimum of fuss. Remember, the idea is to enjoy the meal, so relax!

Rules for dining etiquette got their start before the 16th century with the development of a tool called a fork. "The fork placed a barrier between fingers and food." wrote Raymond Sokolov, a historian interested in food and its preparation, in an article for the August, 1978, Natural History magazine. But from the creation of the fork and the spread of its use through Europe and the New World. Up until that time, people ate with their hands from a common dish.

Checklist for Service

Restaurants get ahead by offering something unique and better than their competition. Second only to appealing food is good service, say most customers. And good service will establish a good will that will give the restaurant operator's business momentum.

Next time you want to rate a restaurant before taking guests with you check the following:

1. Does the waiter or waitress treat all customers alike, regulars and strangers? You should, as a customer, always be made to feel important.
2. Can the food servers remember who ordered what or must you juggle plates back and forth after they have left?
3. Is the restaurant noisy with clattering dishes or sounds from the kitchen? Is there soothing background music?
4. Are buffets attractively presented and kept stocked during the entire meal?
5. Is there a minimum of foot traffic by your table?
6. Is the waiter or waitress easy to hail when needed? Do they hang around the table while you are eating? Do you feel rushed?
7. Can you read the menu easily? Must you speak fluent French to read it?
8. Are there fresh flowers on the table? A fresh tablecloth? Clean silverware?
9. Do you feel comfortable and welcomed? Are you seated within a reasonable amount of time? Are you seated immediately when you make a reservation?
10. Is the meal presented attractively? Is it nutritious? Does the main course arrive before you've finished your salad or soup?
11. Are you badgered by the cocktail waitress?
12. How is the lighting? Can you see your dinner partner?
13. Does the waiter or waitress take care of the paying of the bill smoothly with a minimum of fuss?

Your answers will determine whether you will make a return visit and any good restaurant operator knows it. If you have a complaint, voice it quietly but firmly to the management and expect a reasonable response. – From The Salinas Californian, 1979

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Courtesy and Neighborly Love

Henry Drummond was a Scottish writer, lecturer, biologist and evangelist who died in 1897 at the age of 45 ––Public domain image of Henry Drummond

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR

Courtesy- this is love in society, love in relation to etiquette. 

"Love doth not behave itself unseemly" 

Politeness has been defined as love in trifles. Courtesy is said to be love in little things. And the one secret of politeness is to love.

Love cannot behave itself unseemly. Courtesy is the love of your fellow man. —Henry Drummond in Winters Express, September 1914

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Finger Bowl and Flower Etiquette

“It is always proper to use finger bowls, but it is not always done, and a hostess commits no breach in etiquette in not doing so, unless fruit has beer served.” — Madame Merri, 1912

Please answer in your columns whether it is always proper to use finger bowls at a dinner or luncheon. If so, should each guest be served with an individual bowl, or should one be passed around to each? Is it proper for a hostess to wear flowers?-M. E. P.

It is always proper to use finger bowls, but it is not always done, and a hostess commits no breach in etiquette in not doing so, unless fruit has beer served. One should be provided for each guest, put on a plate which has a finger bowl doily upon it. A hostess may wear flowers if she is fortunate enough to have them. — By Madame Merri, 1912

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Maldives

The picturesque and relaxing island nation of the Maldives. Before eating the delicious local and fresh foods, please wash your hands in a basin provided before you start your meal and after if you have eaten food with your hands.

The Maldives is an archipelagic country in South Asia, a string of atolls scattered across the Indian Ocean and officially called the Republic of Maldives. The word "Maldives" means "the islands of Male"; incidentally, Maldives's capital is Male. Male is pronounced as Malé with the infliction oné. The name Maldives comes from the Sanskrit word "maladvipa", meaning "garland of islands", which is absolutely true. The islands are strewn across the ocean like sparkling aquamarine stones.

History reveals that the first settlers arrived in the Maldives around the 5th century BCE, likely from Sri Lanka, South India and East Africa. It is said that from the 12th century Buddhism was practiced until Arab traders brought Islam and now worshiped till today. The In the 16th century, the Portuguese briefly established themselves then it became a British protectorate then in 1965 on behalf of the Sultan, Prime Minister Ibrahim Nasir Rannabandeyri Kilegefan, assisted in gaining independence.

Arriving at the airport, you are greeted with a relaxed atmosphere from officials; once finished, bags are scanned, and many are greeted with a surprise request to relinquish their duty-free alcohol products and given a slip to pick up on departure. For many foreigners, this is a 'welcome' learning experience to the country's culture. Once you are out of the customs, you are met by the magical sight of taxi planes and boats bobbing up and down on a perfect blue-green sea. Malé and Hullamalé are connected by a bridge with red double-decker buses slowly making their way over and back.

While being escorted to your hotel of choice, you will see women and children dressed in Western, Indian and/or niqab, hijab, chador to dupatta. You may find that your hotel hosts are from places such as Bangladesh, India and local Maldivian at the helm. Maldives is certainly relaxed everywhere you go; the people are tolerant and understanding of those coming to their shores to discover island paradise. The main beach area dress code for Westerns is modest dressing leaving bikinis, bathers and “Cardi B” style outfits in the suitcase for your island resort getaway.

Food is a mixture of Arabic, Southern Indian, Sri Lankan and Western. I have personally tried traditional Maldivian food at a restaurant recommended by a local and heartily recommend the cuisine. You will find that locals love to patronise cafes and restaurants and sit for hours talking to friends and family. Lots of laughter and talking fills the space making for a happy environment.

Before eating the delicious local and fresh foods, please wash your hands in a basin provided before you start your meal and after if you have eaten food with your hands. On the local menu, you will find flavorful dishes such as garudhiya which is a fragrant fish soup, masihuni made for breakfast, shredded smoked tuna, grated coconut, lemon and chilli, eaten with roshi (roti bread) to sweet or handulu bondibai, rice pudding eaten during Eid. Most of these foods are commonly eaten by right-hand roti or rice. These carbohydrates are used as a carrier for the main meals and are well mixed together with the hands.

If you love bacon in the mornings with your eggs, due to the country being an Islamic republic, pork will not be found. Instead, you will offered chicken and beef alternatives. Resorts away from the main islands will sell alcoholic beverages.

Maldivian culture adheres to the Islamic principles of the family unit, and tight-knit bonds within extended families further reinforce this respect. You will be met with locals and hired help with poker faces; it is a South Asian tendency not to smile; however, when you break the ice when asking for directions or advice, you will be met with kindness. Etiquette is that speaking to locals on the street, woman to woman and man to man is better.

If you are fortunate enough to be invited to a Maldivian household, don’t forget to remove your shoes and greet your hosts. Women will greet verbally rather than shake hands, whereas men will use the hand-to-heart sign, and the general greeting is “As-Salaam-Alaikum" and "Wa-Alaikum-Salaam" which means “May peace be upon you." Before you arrive, purchase fruit or a gift you brought from your home country. To break the ice and get a conversation started, inquire about how the family is doing. When you see children, ask their names and ages to show interest and avoid patting them on the head. If you have accidentally bumped into someone, apologise quickly. When eating, you may be invited to sit down on the floor. If that is the case, keep the soles of your feet facing the wall, as it is considered unclean.

I hope these tips help your stay, or next stay, in the Marvelous Maldives, relaxing and fun.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquipedia Q and A Correspondence

To satisfy an anxious appetite if the dinner is taking too long. Not for very formal meals, however.

At Etiquipedia, we often get asked questions via Twitter and Instagram. Every so often, we will post one of our favorite questions we have received on social media, along with the answer. The following was a great question from last month:

Question: I teach etiquette to children, adults and corporate. It’s my passion and I feel I am contributing to society. I have had a question for a long time and perhaps you can help:

Is the bread plate ever optional? I have been learning different things and although I grew up with an English grandmother, that part is not clear yet.

I appreciate it very much. You are really the one knowledgeable person on etiquette who I can fully trust.

Answer: The bread plate is always optional. In many countries and cultures, there is no bread plate. And in the United States, if it’s a formal dinner, bread plates should not be part of the place settings at all.

Bread or a “dinner roll” was something that was placed at the table for each guest when early ovens and stoves, which had replaced open fire cooking, were still very unpredictable and unreliable.

You can imagine how difficult it would be to have a large group of people for dinner, if your cook could not manage timing everything properly with a stove or oven, which was unreliable.

A bread or roll would help satisfy the appetite briefly, while the dinner was being finished. It was a very common problem as stoves and ovens were being slowly introduced into people’s homes. 

A formal dinner served in a grand home, meant that the kitchen was most likely outfitted with the newest and most modern of kitchen “appliances.” Several people would be on hand to assist the chef or cook in creating the meal. The first wood-burning stove in the White House, for example, was installed in 1801 by Thomas Jefferson. It replaced an open fire for cooking.

By the gilded age, a very formal dinner in such a grand home would not require bread plates, though those with old money, probably still did include a roll in the napkin at their formal tables, simply out of tradition. It was included in most Etiquette books as being correct, but there was no bread plate mentioned. Most people with “old money” placed their bread on the tablecloth to the left of the plate, after removing it from the napkin.

A bread, or a roll became common place at place settings in homes and in restaurants. For a brief while, there were matching bread plates and butter plates, or “butter pats,” being manufactured and sold. Those were most often used in restaurants, however, and more middle-class homes. In the more modest homes, bread was still a large part of the meal, as it was inexpensive to make, and again helped stave off an impatient appetite.

Bread plates were a bit of a novelty over in Europe and England, as bread was usually set on the table. Queen Victoria popularized having a loaf of bread at the table with a large knife for cutting. Side plates are commonly used in England, but they are for a variety of foods. Crescent plates are British in origin, though they were not created for bread.

Crescent plates were created for salads originally. And that is how Queen Elizabeth II used hers at her coronation luncheon. The salad was served above her luncheon plate. Smaller versions became popular here in the United States for a time, and people were using crescent plates here for bread, or they were most often using them as “bone” plates; plates for depositing bones, shrimp tails, etc…

As stoves and ovens became much more reliable during the early part of the 20th century, it was determined that bread was no longer a necessity at a formal meal. Thus, there was no real need for a bread plate, especially at the dinner table.

Henceforth a dinner roll was no longer required at a formal dinner, as courses were expected to be served on time. That has made bread plates unwanted at formal place settings, and optional at informal dinners.

I think it’s completely up to the host or hostess, whether or not they wish to have a bread plate at their place settings. At large family dinners, because my Italian side of the family expects bread at the table, I’ll go ahead and place bread plates out.

If I’m giving a nine course formal etiquette dinner seminar, I have the bread plates, too. But those are for instructional purposes only, as I’m giving instructions on how to eat a roll and butter properly. I do give a history of bread at the table, however, and let guests know that this would not be the norm at a formal multi-course dinner.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia