Speed the Parting Guest

The question has arisen as to whether or not it is correct for a hostess to escort a gentleman guest to the door when there are no servants to attend to this duty. This is a problem which depends largely upon circumstances. If the man is a dinner guest, the host should escort him to the door. If he has come to pay an obligatory call, he should be received in the drawing or reception room and the hostess should take leave of him there without going to the door. If he is a young man making a friendly call upon a young woman, it is entirely optional whether or not she takes leave of him at the door. While it is not good form to go to the street door with every gentleman guest who calls, one should bear in mind that circumstances alter cases and that it is better to break a slight rule of etiquette than hurt the feelings of someone who is sensitive. Elderly men and old friends of the family should be accompanied to the street door– others may be accompanied to the drawing-room door or street door, as considered most appropriate. – Lillian Eichler

“Let us take a ceremonious leave, And loving farewell of our several friends.” —Shakespeare

When a guest in your house rises to leave it is not a good form to detain him. Either to urge him to stay or to detain him by extending the conversation, is not really considerate. If you accompany your friend to the door —and this you or one of your household should do whenever it is possible—do not start a new subject of conversation that would make it necessary for the caller to linger in the hall. If the call has been a formal call of courtesy between two women who are not very intimate, it is enough to say something like this: “It has been a great pleasure for me to see you, Mrs. Smith.” 

It is usual to shake hands with the guest as she says good-bye. To stand chatting in an open door after a guest has started to go is in bad form, even in the most simple of households. It is only courteous that you should see that your guest is seated so long as she is making her call, so if you detain her after she is risen, you are keeping her standing, and that is not considerate. If the call is one of condolence or congratulation it is courteous when saying good-bye to thank the caller for her kindness in calling. 

If the caller is an intimate friend it is courteous to ask her to call again, but to do this when the call is formal and simply one of the so called “call of courtesy,” would show ignorance of the laws of etiquette. For it would then not be the caller’s place to call again till after she had called on or entertained her. On saying good-bye at the close of a call it is never necessary to shake hands with any but your host and hostess. To shake hands with all members and guests of the family present is sometimes very awkward, especially when guests are departing from a party of any sort.– By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mistaken “Ideas of Etiquette”

I know one woman of exceedingly modest menage who labors under the delusion that her growing social importance demands that her good-byes must be said in her parlor, even if the has no other guest at the time! Both common sense and courtesy surely demand that the solitary guest should be escorted to the door by her hostess— and even to the front gate if there be one. 

Again, it is surprising how many mistaken ideas of etiquette have gained currency among people, who, while not “in society,” certainly ought to know better. For instance, in churches, you often see the occupant of the end of a pew next the aisle putting his own collection into the plate before passing it on. This is quite wrong; he should pass it first and add his own contribution last. Again, take the question of “seeing a friend to the door.”

I know one woman of exceedingly modest menage who labors under the delusion that her growing social importance demands that her good-byes must be said in her parlor, even if the has no other guest at the time! Both common sense and courtesy surely demand that the solitary guest should be escorted to the door by her hostess— and even to the front gate if there be one. A large establishment with servants waiting in the hall— a drawing room full of guests, or a man caller— make it right for the hostess to remain in the drawing room, but in the absence of these conditions she must assuredly escort her guest herself, if she has no daughters to do it for her.

I once heard a man criticized because he was sufficiently courteous to pull out his fellow boarders chair at table before she sat down and later helped her on with her coat — this without previous acquaintance except, the usual conversation and courtesies of a small boarding house table of six. Of, course he was right — and showed not only his good breeding but his knowledge of the world. It is only the man who cannot be courteous without being familiar, who cannot help a woman with her coat without giving a suggestion of “tucking” her into it — it is only this kind of a man who need fear a snub on such an occasion from a well-bred woman.

In answer to the every day apology, “I beg your pardon” — many persons are wont to reply “certainly”— or more vaguely “not at all.” Both answers are out of place –the first, because it implies that pardon was needed; the second—because it means absolutely nothing. “Don't mention it” is the proper answer, although punctilious people are still heard to reply in courteous tones “The fault was mine.” If you do not hear aright a question asked you, do not ask “What is it?” Say, “Excuse me?” Or, colloquially, “I did not catch that.” If someone comes to ask you something never bluntly demand “What do you want?” Rather say “What can I do for you?” Do not say plain “yes or no,” nor embellish your conversation with “yes sir” and “no ma'am.” “Yes indeed,” “no, I think not” are preferable. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia