Traditional Bridal Shower Etiquette

There are many kinds of  “showers,” as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one “shower,” or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend. These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf. 

Types and Themes of Bridal Showers

The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called “showers,” and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of  “showers,” as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one “shower,” or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend. These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.

Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a “shower,” duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A “shower” is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.

The “shower,” is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a “shower,” are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."

There is a wide range of possible kinds of  “showers,” but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a “shower,” but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places. – Edith Ordway, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Edwardian Brides

This bridal gown is suitable only for a more pretentious affair — The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with...

Edwardian Era Etiquette for Home Weddings

At a "home wedding" the number of guests is limited. The bride wears a colored dress of light silk or a simple white one. The bridal party faces the clergyman and he faces the company. The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with. The decoration of the home is according to the tastes of the parties most interested. 

The wedding refreshments are partaken of in whatever way best conduces to the comfort and enjoyment of those present. A private wedding is one at which there are none present, except the contracting parties, the minister and the witnesses. — San Francisco Call, 1905

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Etiquette for Bridal Showers

The Novel Bridal Shower of 1907

Vintage 1960s Bridal Shower gift wrap

An Astonishing "Paper Bridal Shower" 

By the late 1940s, 1950s and 1960s, pre-printed paper shower items and gifts were seen more and more at bridal showers. In 1907, however, they were not. Paper items for a shower was novel and fun for the woman of 1907. As talk of china and silver were left out of this article, it is probably a good guess that the paper items were only gifts. There is no mention of paper plates, nor napkins.

The writer begins "astonished" to receive an invitation to her first "paper" bridal shower. She then goes into great detail about the decor and gifts for the bride to be. All of the curiosities made from paper. It is fun article to read, all the way down to the serving of the "salad and dainties." Below the article is some simple bridal shower etiquette to keep in mind. 

By the tone of the article, the women at the shower in 1907 could give Martha Stewart a run for her money in the craft department.

Bridal Shower Etiquette

The Etiquette Then:

1.The bestowal of engagement presents has taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more "showers," and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend.

2.Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower" duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.

3.The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."

4.There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a "shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places.

The Etiquette Now:

1. The old etiquette was that bridal showers are not held for 2nd time brides, or even 3rd time brides. Etiquette changes with society, and "serial-marriages" are with us to stay. It is wise for the bride-to-be to make sure anyone throwing a shower for her keeps it tastefully small and with just intimate family and friends invited. Anything over-the-top appears tacky.

2. The old etiquette was that the shower was held only for the bride, her family and friends. Today, more participation of men has given rise to "couple showers" that honor both the bride-to-be and groom-to-be. Men enjoy being feted, just as much as ladies do.

3. The old etiquette of handwritten thank you notes for the shower gifts, being sent out prior to the wedding, is still the correct etiquette now. If the bride and groom do not get notes of thanks sent out quickly, they will find the task much more difficult as the wedding nears. And no... you may not email the notes of thanks! It is poor manners to email a note of thanks to someone who took the time to bring you a gift. Unless a gift was emailed to you, an emailed "note of thanks" is rude.

Compiled by contributor blog Gero-Dynamics© 

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Bridal Shower Etiquette Advice, 20th C.

Suggested seating arrangement for an intimate shower of 8 people.

“Allied to the afternoon tea are various phases of informal daytime entertaining. For example, there is the "shower" for a bride-elect ("linen," "culinary," or what you will). A friend of the bride-to-be invites a coterie of girl friends to meet the guest of honor, giving each girl time to provide some beautiful or useful gift, the presentations to be made with amusing ceremonies.
The "thimble bee," a favorite diversion of the quiet matronly set, each one bringing her own bit of needlework to while away an hour or so in pleasant conversation. One of the number may read aloud, with pauses for comment at will. The thimble bee is a modern version of the good old-fashioned "spend the afternoon and take tea." Both the shower and the thimble bee may be given in the forenoon, if preferred." From 1919, Agnes H. Morton's “Etiquette”                               

Varieties of stuffed tomatoes and macaroni salads were popular fare in the 1950's. Especially at showers.

"A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time. Then and there the idea of the 'shower' was born. 

The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would seem too trifling if they were presented alone. Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is greatly to be desired. 

The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally, and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her gratitude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one and the gifts were expensive.” From 1924 Lillian Eichler's “Book of Etiquette / Volume I”                                 

Etiquette advice for setting a correct and helpful buffet table.

“It is not uncommon for a bride-elect to receive a few engagement presents. (These are entirely apart from wedding presents which come later.) A small afternoon teacup and saucer used to be the typical engagement gift, but it has gone rather out of vogue, along with harlequin china in general. Engagement presents are usually personal trifles sent either by her own very intimate friends or by members of her fiancé's family as especial messages of welcome to hers—and as such are very charming. But any general fashion that necessitates giving engagement as well as wedding presents may well be looked upon with alarm by those who have only moderately filled pocketbooks!” From Emily Post's 1922, “Etiquette”

                           

Buffet Setting and Seating Etiquette

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20th C. Bridal Shower Etiquette

A creative 1950's idea for a handmade bridal shower invitation.

“A Paper Shower”

(Good Housekeeping magazine article account of a 1907 bridal shower)

We had all said in our hearts there could be nothing new under the sun in the way of bridal showers, hence our astonishment when the morning's mail brought an innocent looking, square envelope containing a folded lace paper doily, on the small, solid center of which was inscribed a formal invitation from Mrs. B., In honor of Miss S.- our bride-elect chum-to a "paper shower." After a round of handmade lingerie, embroidered linen, silk hose, glove and lace handkerchief showers, a paper one came as a blessed relief. 

Mrs. B's home showed no overelaboration of the paper idea; in fact its first suggestion was in "The Bride's Book" composed of sheets of the young woman's monogram paper, bound in white moire wall paper, tied with a white satin ribbon and charmingly decorated with an outline sketch of the bride (cut from a magazine,) tinted with water colors. His side this volume was a curiosity awakening object; a glass slipper, such as extracts are sold in, tightly stoppered and filled with tiny pink and white candy hearts. Each guest was invited to inscribe her name in the book and record opposite, her guest at the number of hearts in the good-luck shoe. 

After this pretty ceremony, the guests were ushered into the living room, where to huge hearts of crimson wall paper were lightly laced together to form a bag and this suspended in a bow-window; at a signal, two red ribbons, attached to the points of the bag, were violently jerked, tearing loose the lacings and showering the bride with a fluffy downpour of gifts. The heavier articles were handed to her. 

I had not imagined paper capable of so many interpretations: there were sets of flower-like candle-shades; a set of individual bonbon holders, made of pill-boxes and cunningly disguised beneath rose crêpe petals; a unique lampshade, of paraffin paper in octagonal sections, each panel decorated with cut-out pictures from Good Housekeeping's "Bride's Primer" and carrying the suggestion that this be used at the bride's first dinner party; two sets of dainty dinner cards and a recipe book. There was a lovely bureau set of boxes, with jewelry case, hairpin box, brush and comb box, all covered with handsome paper in a tiny floral design; there were quite a number of attractive books, some sheet music, boxes of stationary, fans, a waste paper basket and pictures to suit upstairs, downstairs and my lady's chamber. 

In the dining room the table showed exquisite decorations of pink and white gauze. Tied in true lovers' style on the chandelier the filmy streamers were carried down to the tables four corners and beneath this rosy canopy stood a doll bride, with satin gown, flowing veil, orange blossoms and satin slippers. The four little friends who served the refreshments were dressed as flower girls, attendants upon the lady of the decorations and handed salad and dainties. 

A photograph of the bride was presented to the correct guesser of the hearts in the shoe, and the "Bride's Book" was given to the bride herself.  

Helpful ideas for a 1950s “Lingerie Shower”

1950s Etiquette tips from “What You Should Know About Showers,” by Ruth Brent

Q. Is it permissible for a member of the bride's family to give a shower?

A. No. The immediate family of the bride or groom does not give a shower. One exception-if all the guests are relatives.

Q. Are the bride's attendants expected to give a shower?

A. Often the maid or matron of honor entertains, but not necessarily at a shower. It could be a Tea, Coffee, Luncheon, or Supper in her honor.

Q. Are the mothers of the bride and groom included in every shower? Should the bride's attendants be invited every time?

A. It's true that the mothers and the attendants are included in a great many showers and other affairs. This, however, many times works a hardship on them financially. No one should be expected to attend more than two, or at the most three, showers for any one person.

Q. We are planning a shower for one of our co-workers. Should we include the mothers and bridal attendants?

A. If you've planned a party for the office force, don't include others. After all, you all know one another well and will be more relaxed by yourselves. Having members of a specific group or club is a very good idea in that it probably includes girls who might otherwise be left out. One word of caution here: Try to avoid asking just casual acquaintances of the bride.

Q. Would it be proper to suggest a price range when extending invitations? 

A. Yes, that is most sensible. The hostess should discourage expensive gifts. Suggest a price range-say two to four dollars- so that all gifts will be approximately the same value.

                         

“Although the concept of manners and excepted behavior changes constantly, the basis for all etiquette never changes. It is, after all, a code of behavior, a way of life based on kindness, consideration and self-respect. Etiquette rules, and the books defining them,are merely guidelines to help one live according to that code.”–  Elizabeth Post 

                               

Elizabeth Post on Bridal Shower Etiquette in 1963

Although their looks and manners tend to change with the years, the parties for the bride and her attendants are always sparkling, sentimental occasions. The bridal shower, so practical and popular in some communities, is needless for the bride with "the best of everything." But the charming custom lingers on, often in luncheons for the bride or joint showers for the bride and groom.

The Bridal Shower

The setting for a bridal shower is "as you like it"- a luncheon, dinner, afternoon tea, evening snack, or morning coffee; the time: about a month before the wedding. It is usually given by an intimate friend or member of the bridal party; never by the immediate family of the bride. Since everyone who attends must bring a gift, it is considerate for the prospective shower-givers to get together and arrange a single shower when the same friends will be invited.

Showers are always gay and fanciful and even more so when the refreshments are ample and attractively served.

Shower gifts are usually small and inexpensive and of less importance than wedding gifts. Invitations are either telephoned or written by hand on "informals," but printed stationers' cards are equally proper. Although wedding presents are sent from the shop where they are purchased, shower gifts are always brought my hand and presented personally upon arrival. Frequently, however, the packages are taken at the door by the hostess and placed with the others on the reception table in another room. Gift cards should be enclosed to avoid the self-conscious "That's from me" as each present is unwrapped. When everyone expected has arrived, the bride may then open her packages, one by one, and thank each friend individually.
                                    

Umbrellas are always popular bridal shower decor

Showers are always gay and fanciful and even more so when the refreshments are ample and attractively served. Coffee and cake, punch and sandwiches, cider and doughnuts are all-time favorites.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Victorian or Edwardian Bride and Groom

No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual outlay... The Bride of 1902

Preparation for a Wedding

The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table, which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be expected to furnish. 

Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest lover, with all save that small class of men who, either from the most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming pensioners rather than donors. Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard.

The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry. The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite kind. Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme gift.

The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and boutonnière of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses.

The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share. The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment, because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father. Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of clothes. The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before the style changes.

No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual outlay, beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice as possible, are those in which she marries a man of much higher social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station. 

Ball and dinner dress fashions from 1910

The special gowns necessary for a bride are: 

Her wedding gown, which is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate color if a widow, the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as nice as she can afford.

For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage which in every other respect appears to be auspicious.

For the October Bride

The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the following:

For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases, three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes, and an extra quilt. For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers, as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the sake of cleanliness. For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen bath towels. Towels for the maid should  also be included. 

For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and centerpieces for the table. For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels, cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the paper towel is much neater and more economical.

The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown. It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding, however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave at once. The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train.

The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and in some a period of residence or notification is necessary.  A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters. This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by several witnesses.

The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved. Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of honor, and, worn on any  woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong to the ranks of worthy matrons."

It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which ranges from ten to fifty dollars.

Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home. If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked.

The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar.
 

An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which their carriages may be speedily called. While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family are provided by them.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia