Gilded Age Etiquette Observations

Consuelo Spencer-Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, was a member of the prominent American Vanderbilt family. Her marriage to Charles Spencer-Churchill, 9th Duke of Marlborough became an international symbol of the socially advantageous, but loveless, “Dollar Princess” marriages, which were so common during the Gilded Age.

SENSIBLE SAYINGS

That leisure is wasted which is not made to yield improvement of some sort.

We cannot be wise in everything, but we can at least be punctual to our engagements.

There is more than sadness in some of the sacrifices made by our American girls to marry a title.

The man who fails to “grind his ax” is the one who fears that the country is going straight to destruction and proclaims it the most loudly. 

The man or woman who speaks in the simplest, most direct and unequivocal language, is least liable to be misunderstood or to suffer the mortification of explanation or correction. — Original in Good Housekeeping, 1890

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Doings at Ducal House

The Figaro says that the Duchess of Marlborough (formerly Miss Consuelo Vanderbilt) has been led by the praise of injudicious friends to overrate her elocutionary gifts to such an extent that her “Victims” have nicknamed her the “Demon Reciter.” –
Though she eventually became an integral part of the British peerage, when the newly minted Duchess from the U.S. was skewered regularly in the press after first marrying the Duke of Marlborough. Above is a newspaper cartoon poking fun of the newly minted Duchess’s authenticity.

COUNTRY HOUSES ENTERTAIN

Mild Winter in London

Warm Nights Are Swelling the Spring Buds

Luring a Lord in the Gilded Age

“The original hotel had modern conveniences such as a hydraulic elevator, central steam heat and gas lights. In addition, the property had a billiards room, music room, barber shop, Turkish Bath and children’s playroom. The hotel had 75 large guestrooms, some with balconies, and no two rooms were alike. The hotel welcomed many travelers from around the world and in fact was nicknamed ‘Little London’ because of the many English tourists who came to visit. The city attracted health-savvy individuals seeking the high altitude dry climate, nearby Pikes Peak and the amazing natural rock formations known as Garden of the Gods.” — antlers.com

The Duke’s Progress: The English Lord’s American Journey

Gallons of ice water. Great gusts of suffocating steam heat. The heiress-hunting Englishman was always being buffeted by extremes in America. Take, for instance, the hotels: so wonderfully luxurious, yet so deeply uncomfortable. The elaborate meals were poorly served, and wine was not a matter of course with dinner. The elegant bedrooms were heated to the point of boiling, the enormous, shiny bathrooms overrun with complex, unmanageable systems of faucets. There were bells, buttons and switches everywhere— but no one to look after His Lordship personally, to meet his own little idiosyncratic needs. And topping it all was the demeaning practice of signing the guest book, where any plebeian might thereafter finger his noble name.

No less confounding were the young American ladies. Never before had the English Lord found himself in such unrestricted contact with unmarried females, hurrying here and there, from one social or sporting activity to the next, with no evidence of adult supervision. It was not the least bit necessary for the Englishman to exercise any rituals of courtship formalities until the very last moment. Although he might perpetually expect the red-faced, indignant parent to appear on the horizon of his lovemaking, none ever materialized. The indignity was, in fact, all his own and from another quarter: he soon discovered that he was only one among many, that the girl in question had a veritable horde of equally favored “admirers.”

The question of the girls aside, the English Lord found that civilized America bored him. True, the famous American openness was preferable to the stilted formalities back home— no one was kept standing in the States, and everyone was free to speak his or her mind. But this very freedom produced a certain blandness. Only occasionally could one enjoy an excited discussion of corruption in government, and there was almost no gossip— no little scandalous stories, no intrigues to titillate and amuse. Of much greater interest was primitive America. “Though one can dine in New York,” wrote Oscar Wilde, “one could not dwell there. Better the far West with its grizzly bears and its untamed cowboys.” (Indeed, the West was so full of aristocratic Englishmen that the famous Antlers Hotel in Colorado Springs had be come known as “little London.”) Thus the wife-hunting English Lord, after a patient review of American heiress strongholds along the Atlantic coast (where he might or might not attend to the business at hand), would head happily west to points wild and unknown. — From “To Marry an English Lord,” 1989

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age “New York Girls”

She is rarely a liar, a cheat or a fraud. She has the honesty of her thought and the courage of her convictions. If that makes a girl unwomanly, then she is unwomanly. Fashionable girls in New York are always with their mothers; they have had a conventional European education in this respect.

The New York Girl Portrayed by One Who Dislikes European Fault Finding

Our Girl Learns to Look Out a Little for Herself– She Trusts to the Chivalry of American Gentlemen– We Are Proud of Her

So the English think that the New York girl has more solvency in her fortune than in her complexion, do they? We beg to differ. The New York girl's complexion is as fine as any milkmaid's. She is piquant, pretty, original and new. That is why the Englishmen like her, and wish to marry her. She amuses, stimulates and fills their somewhat jaded fancy.

New York girls are well educated. They speak both English and French fluently, which is what very few English girls do. They have been brought up under the repressive system, the English girls. They are lovely, but sometimes a little depressing. They are hidden from the eye. The New York girl perhaps lacks the “violet by a mossy stone” charm. She has not the cloistered graces of that home education of the English. She has been admired frankly since she was 10 years old.

SHE HAS A WOMANLY COURAGE

She is rarely a liar, a cheat or a fraud. She has the honesty of her thought and the courage of her convictions. If that makes a girl unwomanly, then she is unwomanly. Fashionable girls in New York are always with their mothers; they have had a conventional European education in this respect. The mother is the chaperon, and the girl is stamped with “l'usage du monde et du plus grand, et du meilleurs.” She is well bred in the forms and ceremonies of a court of London and Parisian society, where she succeeds marvelously. Sometimes she offends a Roman mamma by walking across the Piazza di Spagna alone. She cannot always respect the severe Italian “etiquette” and take her maid.

She is a knowing person; she believes in herself, she is independent and breezy. She has been much consulted in her family, where she is the important personage. Latitude in reading and thinking has been allowed her, which to an English or French girl would have been impossible.

She can stand more amusement (some would call it dissipation) than any living creature. A prize fighter would go down under the fatigue which a New York girl imposes on herself– all the subscription balls at Delmonico’s, all the private balls, Tuxedo, Newport, lawn tennis, Lenox in the fall, private theatricals, French and singing classes, sewing societies, charities (for she is a dear creature, and as kind as she is beautiful). She haunts the happy hunting grounds of Long Island; she is seen on top of a four-in-hand.

THE GIRLS SHOULD TAKE HEED

She is described in all the newspapers when she comes out. Her fortune, her toilet and her prospects are all matters of every day comment. She has the American idea of being useful; she works as well as plays. She neglects nothing. An early morning walk, or a horseback ride, a plain gown for her hospital work, the toilet of the Queen of Sheba for Delmonico's– she at tends to it all; and when she marries she is apt to make the best of wives, if she chooses. If she does not choose to be the best, she can be the worst.

Neglects nothing, did you say! Yes, so far as foreign ideas are concerned, she sometimes neglects appearances. She sometimes
goes about with too young a chaperon. Accustomed to the chivalry of American men, she does not know how other men are regarding her. Novelists sketch the exceptions, not the rule, as to the New York girl; but it would do the best of them no harm to read the foreign criticisms in novels, plays and newspapers. 

Some New York girls are not averse to achieving a reputation for fastness. These few exceptions should not, however, be taken for the conglomerate photograph. They are not the rule. She is not a humble, expectant Juliet, the New York girl. She will marry a lord, if she likes. Some people call her heartless. She needs luxury; she lives in an age of gold. A clever creature, a precious and beautiful combination, of fine mind and splendid physical perfection, she can be criticised as a rose, which opens its glorious petals for all men to admire; but it is hard to equal her.–Mrs. John Sherwood in “Once a Week,” 1889

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Entertaining Royalty

A visit from the King and Queen was fraught with expenses, and one could not turn down the request for a visit. The cost of entertaining during a royal visit in the Edwardian era could run up thousands in extra expenses, like the extra food and drink. When the Duke and Duchess of Manchester were honored by Edward's presence in 1904, newspapers estimated that the cost of the visit was $150,000.00 American dollars. That is nearly $5,000,000. In today’s dollars. And 16 new frocks would be needed as, “One could not wear the same ensemble twice, and what reasonable woman would not want completely new outfits for such a momentous occasion? Sixteen new ensembles (four dresses for each of four days) from, say, Worth would substantially increase the cost of a royal visit.”

When the Manchesters were honored by Edward's presence in 1904, newspapers estimated that the cost of the visit was $150,000, paid of course by the Duchess's papa, Mr. Zimmerman, who had bought Kylemore for Duchess Helena.

Part of the cost was dressing the part. The King, for a week's stay, would be bringing forty suits or uniforms and at least twenty pairs of shoes and boots, and costumes were expected to be splendid in his presence. Consuelo Marlborough remembers at least four changes of clothes: an elegant silk costume for breakfast in the dining room, a tweed suit for lunch with the “guns” (the men who were shooting), a tea gown, and the most formal brocade or velvet evening dress with the grandest jewels possible (always includ ing a tiara) for dinner.

One could not wear the same ensemble twice, and what reasonable woman would not want completely new outfits for such a momentous occasion? Sixteen new ensembles (four dresses for each of four days) from, say, Worth would substantially increase the cost of a royal visit. — From “To Marry an English Lord,” Gail MacColl and McD. Wallace, 2012

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Upstairs and Downstairs

Responsible for all the actual lifting and carrying in the front of the house: calling cards on silver salvers, a tray of tea, newspapers for the gentlemen.

One of the shocks for the new American bride was having to deal with English servants. She must always be aware of the hierarchy — and of its principal members.

THE BUTLER
In charge of the front of the house. Too elevated for menial tasks (decant ing wine was the most physical he got), the butler oversaw the men servants and the silver.

THE HOUSEKEEPER
In charge of the bedrooms and the servants’ quarters. Matters of cleaning and household maintenance (linens, in ventories) and the house maids’ morals were the housekeeper’s bailiwick, a huge ring of keys her badge of office.

THE CHEF
In pretentious houses, always French and paid outrageously. He was often locked in a vendetta with the housekeeper.

FOOTMEN
Responsible for all the actual lifting and carrying in the front of the house: calling cards on silver salvers, a tray of tea, newspapers for the gentlemen. Footmen also waited at table, accompanied Milady on errands to carry her packages, and stood around wearing livery and looking decorative on formal occasions. The best ones were easy to look at.

MILADY’S MAID
Entrusted with washing and arranging Milady's hair, mending and refur bishing and cleaning her clothes, and helping her in and out of them. She also took care of the jewels and accompanied Milady on visits.

THE HOUSEMAIDS
Numberless faceless creatures who did all the cleaning and dusting in the front of the house (at the crack of dawn before the gentry were awake) and in the bedrooms (when their occupants were down at meals).

THE VALET
Responsible for keeping Milady’s husband neat. Besides laying out and caring for his clothes, the valet made travel arrangements, loaded his guns at shoots and boasted about him in the servants’ quarters. — From “To Marry an English Lord,” by Gail MacColl and Carole McD. Wallace

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Gilded Age “Calling-Hat”

An English lady, one of the combination English set now here — the H.O. Bax-Ironside, Dunraven, Marlborough, Paget party— appeared twice in a fall hat of lace. Once it was at Newport and once in New York. The appearances were only brief “calling afternoons,” but the hat was much admired. American women are quick to pick up what is good, and immediately the lace calling-hat was adopted. “Not because it is English,” explained an American lady very earnestly to her milliner, “but because I see — what you have often tried to impress upon me— the becomingness of anything soft and full around the face.”

The Tulle Lace Hat of 1895

The Autumn winds which blew Lords and Dukes over here for various purposes of conquest, more or less successful, blew along a style that is much in vogue in London, but has never been popular here. This is the fashion for wearing the tulle or lace hat for dressy occasions. We like it for golf or tennis or the lawn party or the country drive. But Londoners like it for the theater, for the park and for the calling occasion.


An English lady, one of the combination English set now here — the H.O. Bax-Ironside, Dunraven, Marlborough, Paget party— appeared twice in a fall hat of lace. Once it was at Newport and once in New York. The appearances were only brief “calling afternoons,” but the hat was much admired. American women are quick to pick up what is good, and immediately the lace calling-hat was adopted. “Not because it is English,” explained an American lady very earnestly to her milliner, “but because I see — what you have often tried to impress upon me— the becomingness of anything soft and full around the face.”


As all who want a sudden lace hat for fall, who do not boast a regular milliner nor know one who would get up such a creation inexpensively, the rule for making it may be briefly stated. It is from the memorandum book of a Fifth Avenue milliner, who jotted it down the lines for aiding her head milliner, who was desirous of getting up a number of them.


“Take the wire frame of a summer tulle hat. The larger the frame the better, no matter what the shape, so long as the brim is flaring. Gather three yards of fine lacy chiffon upon the brim, letting the lace weave in and out of the wire until not an inch of wire is visible. This is done by laying the chiffon on top of the frame and pulling it through into big loose scallops. A few stitches hold it smoothly in place.


“The chiffon should be exactly the color of the trimmings of the fall suit. The very swell Newport caller chose white, embroidered in pale brown. Cover the top of the frame with the plain part of the chiffon. Now get two yards of striped velvet ribbon that includes all the shades of the costume, and make into a great, broad upstanding bow. Fasten with an emerald pin at one side of the crown and you have the the fall lace hat. It is simple enough and very becoming to everybody.” — San Jose Mercury, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Rude American Chits Annoy Miss Brits

“The Lady Mauds and Lady Beatrices are sore at finding themselves outshone in the highest circles by American chits, who before coming abroad, were just ordinary misses in small provincial towns in the United States.”

‘Chit’ — A a dismissive and derogatory term for a an immature girl, lacking in respect. — Not satisfied with advising the young single women of England, Henry Du Pré Labouchère (British politician, publisher, writer and even theatre owner, in the Victorian and Edwardian eras) is now mainly remembered for the Labouchère Amendment, which for the first time in the United Kingdom, criminalised all male homosexual activity. 

- Photo Source Public Domain Wikipedia 

Our Girls Abroad

An Apology for the English Maiden’s Total Eclipse

Ladies Abroad Finding Themselves Outshone by the Girls of America— A Hint to English Mauds and Beatrices—Emancipation from Cant

The Lady Mauds and Lady Beatrices are sore at finding themselves outshone in the highest circles by American chits, who before coming abroad, were just ordinary misses in small provincial towns in the United States. It is a hard case to be thrust into the shade by these fair invaders. But soreness about it will only spoil good looks. Why not rather learn the art of war from the invading belles, who were not reared in hothouses, but in public free schools? In a great degree, they have conquered because they are in the habit of thinking themselves as good as no matter whom, and of not being shamfaced in the presence of mortals of uppermost rank. I don't think it occurs to the Mauds and Beatrices that very few uppermost personages, in no matter what country, have, or can have, much conversation. Having had allowances from their cradles upward there is no strenuous effort in their lives. And so that intensity of thought, feeling and will which makes a man a man, and sublimates a woman, is wanting in them. 

Etiquette throws on them the onus of startling subjects of conversation. Having to talk de haut en bas, but there is no quick interchange of ideas. As it was 300 years ago, so now. Their lives being flat, they must fall back on buffoonery—a reason why Schneider’s dressing room at Les Varietes was “Le Passage des Princes.” License of speech is sure to be granted to any one whose talk tickles or is droll. There are few rosebuds in etiquette ridden courts who can so converse. But the United States free schools produce them in thousands. Originality in America is not confined to the unornamental sex. The conditions of life are so different there from what they are in England, and there is such emancipation from cant in most of the forms in which it tyrannizes us, that the beauty from Ohio, Illinois or Delaware is startingly novel, and whatever piquancy there is in her talk, comes home with a double force. 

Beauties from America 

There are such heaps of Miss Jennie Chamberlains in the United States, that hardly any one notices their points. Americans are astounded at the effect they produce on English noblemen when they come out at the Riviera or in London. As to the etiquette invented by Lords Chamberlain, those flowers from over the Atlantic are in happy ignorance. So they start topics in colloquies with royal personages instead of waiting for them to be started, and when they find they please, they go ahead. “Sir,” or “madam,” or “your royal highness,” used as commas, are in the conversation of ordinary persons. Then the young and fair Americans neglect no advantage which is derived from attention to personal appearance. They know how to dress, and they grudge no money that they can give to the best dentists. Being in the habit of dancing from infancy, their gestures are easy and not angular, always talk distinctly, and, if sometimes with a slight twang, in an audible voice. 

Our girls often mumble or run on in a chirruping jabber that really is not speech. They, too, often deal in set phrases which get soon exhausted. I think when a British girl is nice, she’s the nicest of any; and many more than there are could be charming, if they could only learn how to speak, and to move about in an easy, graceful way. The American girl has neat features, a delicate skin and a fine nervous system. But in the rest of the organization, nature has been wanting in generosity. The western woman or girl is a finer human being than the eastern. In the southern states, womanhood is nearest to perfection. Women there are reposeful—not precisely amusing, but intelligent, sweet and interesting. — Henry Du Pré Labouchere in London Truth, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Traditional Etiquette Gifts Duchess

A portrait of probably the most famous Duke and Duchess of Marlborough, with their children and their Blenheim spaniels. – Consuelo Spencer-Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, was a member of the prominent American Vanderbilt family. Her marriage to Charles Spencer-Churchill, 9th Duke of Marlborough became an international symbol of the socially advantageous, but loveless, “Dollar Princess” marriages, which were so common during the Gilded Age.

A Spaniel for the Duchess

It is a traditionary etiquette custom in the Marlborough family, for each Duke to present a Blenheim Spaniel to the Duchess when she enters Blenheim Palace for the first time as its mistress. The story from which this custom has its origin, is that during the battle of Blenheim a spaniel followed at the heels of the great Duke throughout the day, never leaving him until victory was assured. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Fancy Dress Ball

Engaged to Duke of Roxburghe, Miss May Goelet (photographed  in a suitably elaborate costume for a fancy dress ball) went on to become the newest “American Duchess” of her day. – The Devonshire House Fancy Dress Ball was held on the 2nd of July, in 1897, to celebrate Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee. Hosted by the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, with many prominent royals, aristocrats, and society figures in attendance, it was considered the highlight of the 1897 London Season. Throwing a fancy dress ball was undoubtedly the most fashionable and lavish way for a society hostess to establish herself during the later part of the Victorian era. The fabulously and richly costumed affairs, were widely covered in the newspapers of the day. Every detail of who wore what was covered. For those with more money than social savvy or fashion sense, fancy dress etiquette advice was dished out in costume manuals and books. Guests dressing up as famous historical figures was most popular, but in some cases, peasant costumes from a particular historical era, or dressing up as food, was at times de rigueur.

Royalty Danced in Golden Robes

Duchess of Devonshire's Ball Ends Jubilee Gayety – The Titled of Earth Caparisoned in Costliest Costumes of History – Fancy Dress Event In London Which Rivals the Noted Bradley-Martin Function

LONDON, England, July 2.— The Duchess of Devonshire's historical fancy dress ball to-night was the final gayety of the Jubilee season.

It was an affair which gained only less advance notoriety than the Bradley-Mar-tin ball given in New York City last winter. No royal palace in England was ever filled with a more gorgeous throng than assembled to-night in Devonshire House. The Duchess of Devonshire, as Zenobia, wore a costume of green, white and gold and many huge diamonds. Diamonds hung from the horns of her gold helmet, which was studded with jewels, while beautiful pearls gleamed in chains about her head and shoulders. The Duke of Devonshire appeared as Charles V of Germany.

On the arrival of the royal guests the Duchess conducted them to a dais, where they formed a magnificent group. All wore sixteenth-century costumes, most of them blazing with jewels. The Princess of Wales, masquerading as Marguerite de Valois, appeared in a white and gold dress, with an Elizabethan ruff and with a heavy train gorgeously embroidered with gold and silver, bestudded with many colored jewels. In attendance upon her were her three daughters and the Duchess of York, the last named in a pale blue gown embroidered with silver. Princess Victoria of Wales was attired in a blue and gold brocade costume, embroidered with fleur-de-lis in gold and white.

Six courtiers, members of the highest nobility, wearing handsome costumes of the period of Henri Trois, accompanied the Prince and the Princess of Wales. The Prince, as Grand Master of the Knights of Malta, wore a doublet and trunk hose of black Genoese velvet slashed with gray and white, with a Maltese cross embroidered on his left breast. He wore orders of the Garter and of the Knights of Malta. His hat, high and narrow, was encircled by a jeweled chain. There was a diamond cross in front and white plumes behind. A velvet cape embroidered with a Maltese cross completed his sumptuous equipment. 

The Duke of York as Earl of Cumberland, Queen Elizabeth's Master of Horse, wore one of the most striking costumes. It was composed of a gray velvet doublet and cape embroidered with broad bands of gold, a steel gorget inlaid with gold, crimson velvet trunks slashed with gray satin and embroidered with gold, and high boots. His cape was lined with crimson satin. The Duke of Connaught appeared as an Elizabethan general, he wore a steel cuirass inlaid with gold, and the remainder of his costume was of dark gray velvet slashed with satin and embroidered with gold. The Duchess of Connaught as Anne of Austria wore a costume of pale tan and rose.

Prince Charles of Denmark appeared as a Danish student in dark purple. The Grand Duke Michael of Russia wore a black and gold Henri Quatre suit. The foregoing in no wise exhausting the list of royal personages present, all of whom were caparisoned in the costliest costumes and with the greatest attention to historical accuracy. Many dresses had necessitated a dozen or more sketches by authorities, and were works of high art. Among the guests was Mrs. Ogden Goelet of New York, who wore a wonderful white costume covered with diamond crescents and stars. – San Francisco Call, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Newport Etiquette

Consuelo Spencer-Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, was a member of the prominent American Vanderbilt family. Her marriage to Charles Spencer-Churchill, 9th Duke of Marlborough became an international symbol of the socially advantageous, but loveless, “Dollar Princess” marriages, which were so common during the Gilded Age.

Newport Etiquette

One must be very circumspect at Newport. Etiquette requires of men that they marry the daughter of a host or hostess, whenever an invitation is accepted to dine at a house where there is a marriageable heiress. At the Eastern watering places, it is claimed that the Duke of Marlborough would not have dared to become the guest of Mrs. William K. Vanderbilt had he not been seized with matrimonial designs upon Consuelo Vanderbilt.— Chicago News, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Royal Court Precedency

Consuelo Spencer-Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, was a member of the prominent American Vanderbilt family. Her marriage to Charles Spencer-Churchill, 9th Duke of Marlborough became an international symbol of the socially advantageous, but loveless, “Dollar Princess” marriages, which were so common during the Gilded Age.

The new Duchess of Marlborough takes the lead in the order of precedency at Court. According to English Court etiquette, women take the same rank as their husbands or brothers. The order of precedency is as follows down to Dukes: The Sovereign, the Prince of Wales, the Queen's younger sons, grandsons of the Sovereign, Archbishop of Canterbury, the Lord High Chancellor, Archbishop of York, Lord President of the Council, the great Lord Chamberlain, the Earl Marshal. 

The last four named rank above all peers of their own degree; Dukes according to their patent of creation (1, Dukes of England; 2, of Scotland; 3, of Great Britain; 4, of Ireland). 

The following is the date of creation of twelve of the twenty-two Dukes:

• Marlborough, 1702; 
• Brandon, 1711:
• Portland, 1716;
• Manchester, 1719;  
• Newcastle 1756; 
• Northumberland, 1766; 
• Cumberland 1799;
• Wellington, 1814; 
• Sutherland, 1833; 
• Westminster, 1874; 
• Fife, 1889; and 
• Argyll, 1892

                         From the San Francisco Call, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette Dilemma's Instant Princess

American born, Anita Rhinelander Stewart, married Dom Miguel of Braganza, Infante of Portugal, Duke of Viseu, in Dingwall Castle, Scotland, on September 15, 1909. Stewart was given the regal title, "Princess of Braganza," by the Emperor of Austria just the day before the wedding. Dom Miguel, Duke of Viseu, died in 1923. The Princess then moved to New York City. But in order to regain her American citizenship, she had to renounce her royal title, however, she was still referred to as "Princess" by society.

American Created Princess

VIENNA — The emperor has created Miss Anita Stewart a princess in her own right, thus removing any difficulty of etiquette which might have been raised at the exclusive Austrian court following her marriage. 

Prince Miguel has just been here to visit the emperor and to thank him for the honor conferred on his bride-to-be. He has now returned to Scotland with nearly forty guests. –Los Angeles Herald, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Princess Catherine, America's 1st Princess

Prince Achille Murat's Snuff-Box — Prince Murat visited America in 1821, decided to stay and bought vast estates in Louisiana and Florida. Seen by many as rude, coarse, and untidy, due to his tobacco chewing and continual spitting, along with liberal use of “colorful” language, he married the beautiful young Catherine Gray. Catherine was wooed by Murat after first meeting at a picnic, at which he drank from her slipper. Evidently not put off by his poor manners, Catherine became the first American princess... But not a “Dollar Princess.”

A Royal International Marriage

Now that international marriages, with the nobility of foreign countries, are holding the center of the stage the story of the marriage of one of our southern girls of the long ago, when our girls were wedded for love, and not for filthy lucre, will be found interesting. It is the story of one of our girls, who had two strains of Washington blood in her veins. Catherine Willis, great grand-daughter of Corporal Fielding Lewis and his wife Betty Washington, her father Major Byrd, Charles Willis, a grandson of Catharine, aunt of President George Washington.

Catharine Willis, a marvelously beautiful young girl, married when only fourteen years old, Atchison Gray, who lived but a short time. She afterward married a nephew of the great Emporer, Napoleon Bonaparte, Achille Murat. Prince Achille Murat was the eldest son of Joachim Murat, King of Naples, formerly a field marshal of Napoleon Bonaparte, who married Caroline Bonaparte, sister of Napoleon, and who was executed after the fall of the Emperor.

They had four children, who were educated by his widow, in Austria. Her two daughters married noblemen of high rank, equal to their own, and their two sons married beautiful and notable American women.

Prince Achille Murat visited America in 1821, decided to remain here and bought vast estates in Louisiana and Florida, making Tallahassee, Florida, his home. He married there the beautiful young widow, Catharine Gray, daughter of Colonel Byrd Willis, of Willis Hall, grandniece of President George Washington. She met Prince Achille in Florida. They spent much time in their beautiful home near Tallahassee, though they made many delightful trips abroad. 

When the Indian war broke out in Florida, his fighting blood was stirred. He went to the front and was commissioned colonel. His bravery and strategy upon the field won him many laurels. He was a great student and used to devote his time to scientific research. He was proficient in seven languages, and bore a striking resemblance to his uncle, the great general and emperor. The hope of his life was to see the Bonapartes restored to power, but this was denied him. He died in 1847. 

When Louis Napoleon was made Emporer, he remembered Achille Murat's widow, whom he had once met in London. He settled an independent fortune upon her, and at his urgent request was present in Paris at a family reunion, where she was received by the Emperor with such honors as befitted her rank, and received much attention, not only as the widow of the nephew of the great Napoleon, but also as the great niece of General Washington. 

After a brief stay in France, she returned to Florida, in spite of their urgent entreaties that she should remain with them. Her deeds of charity were numerous and she was beloved by rich and poor alike. She died in 1867, and was buried beside her husband in the cemetery at Tallahassee, Florida, where handsome monuments mark their last resting places. 

On them may be found the following inscriptions:

Departed This Life April 18, 1847, 

CHARLES LOUIS NAPOLEON MURAT, 

Son of THE KING OF NAPLES and CAROLINE MURAT, Aged 47. 

This monument is dedicated by his wife, Catherine, in perpetual memory of her love. 

Sacred to the Memory of 

PRINCESS C. A. MURAT, 

Widow of 

COL. CHARLES LOUIS NAPOLEON ACHILLE MURAT and Daughter of the Late Col. Byrd Willis, of Virginia. Who departed this life in the 6th day of August, 1867, in the 64th year of her age. A kind and affectionate wife and sister, A sincere and devoted friend. None named her but to praise. None knew her but to love her. 

To his brother-in-law, Joachim Murat, Napoleon presented a gold snuff-box, bearing upon the lid a cameo likeness of the great Field Marshal Murat. He presented it to his son, Achille, who brought it with him to Florida. His widow, Catherine Willis Murat, gave it to her esteemed friend and adviser, Woodson T. White, who gave it to his son, Woodson T. White, residing in Waco, Texas, who still has it among his treasures, and through his courtesy, a picture of this interesting memento is herewith given. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and American Nobility

 It had been her good fortune to be born in America, where the routine of court etiquette is unknown. 

On a certain occasion, some years since, half a dozen titled ladies were in the anteroom of the German Empress by appointment. Her Majesty was engaged for a time and the audience was delayed beyond the limits of ordinary patience. 

At last one of the restless group remarked in French to her neighbor their prolonged wait was growing irksome, all the more so to her personally because it had been her good fortune to be born in America, where the routine of court etiquette is unknown. 

To her surprise, the lady addressed replied that she also had been born in this country. In a few minutes others joined in the conversation, and it was discovered that the whole company, without exception, though members of that privileged class known in Europe as the nobility, were native Americans. It was a unique incident. — N. Y. Herald, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and an American Monarch

Another unsolicited opinion from"Rita," the Brit who doesn't care for American women marrying into Britain's titled families... "Can America be induced to have a reigning monarch I should like to see King Theodore on the throne!" – Rita, 1910

“The happiest marriages I was fortunate enough to discover in America were the marriages of a professional man; the happiest homes of their wives and families. Possibly the brutalizing force of money-making was less an element of existence in these instances.

“Commerce and speculation get into the business man's blood and vitiato his tastes and habits. The perpetual excitement of ‘deals,’ the perpetual chink of gold, are always more vital interest than his wife's companionship, or his children's dawning intelligence. To the professional man such things are welcome relief.  To the mere "wealth accumulator" they are of secondary importance. Hence the very small amount of family life seen in the United States is in any way to the professional man such things are welcome relief.

“I could not discover if there was a "middle class" in America. I believe not.  Every one is enormously rich, or insignificantly poor. If they are not rich, they try to pretend they are by taking expensive houses or apartments, and keeping automobiles, and attending every possible millionaire function that gives out ‘names of the guests’ to the reporters.”

Was “Rita’s” disdain of American women marrying into Britain's titled families, due to envy? A broken-off love affair of her own? An over zealous feeling of British patriotism? We'll never know. But we do know that jealousy and envy are not conducive to maintaining a civil and polite relationship with others.  “Excessive gaiety, extravagant joy, great depression, anger, love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the passions, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of deportment. Moderation in everything is so essential, that it is even a violation of propriety itself to affect too much the observance of it. It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that we owe all the charm, I might almost say, the being able to live in society. At once the effect and cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to purify and ennoble it; to substitute for pride and all those egotistical or offensive feelings which it generates, benevolence, with all the amiable and generous sentiments, which it inspires. In an assembly of truly polite people, all evil seems to be unknown; what is just, estimable, and good, or what we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides; and actions, manners and language alike indicate it. Now if we place in this select assembly, a person who is a stranger to the advantages of a polite education, he will at once be made sensible of the value of it, and will immediately desire to display the same urbanity by which he has himself been pleased.” –From Elisabeth Celnart's, “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes”

 

The word “Equality” has more than one interpretation.

“I have spoken about the conspicuous absence of a maternal instinct as a feature of American marriages. The American woman does not desire a large family or indeed any family at all. When she has a child she proceeds to bring it up on the most free and enlightened principles. It's nourishment is a series of experiments in patent foods; it's clothing a compromise between French, German, Russian, and English ‘styles.’

“When it is three or four years old it is called a ‘kid’ and goes everywhere with its parents, and becomes a general nuisance to everybody in hotels, or on steamer, car, or train. It is never rebuked or kept in its place like an English child, because that would be acting against true American principles. 

“It has nerves; it looks pasty and unhealthy; it is allowed to eat any sort of food at any time of day or night and it would never grow up a healthy or intelligent human being if it were not for school life and college training. They do some good in that respect, and the American youth and the American-maiden are the result. 

“Whether the training explains that no one –even an American citizen– was ever born ‘free,’ or could possibly be the equal in brains, character, or social position, of every other American citizen I cannot say.  But it does turn out men and women of whom their country may be proud. 

“One need not go further than Col. Roosevelt as an example. He speedily discarded the false for the real; feeble things for the strong things. No one has read his countries limitations more accurately, its possibilities more proudly, than this much beloved and much-abused ex-President. Can America be induced to have a reigning monarch I should like to see King Theodore on the throne!

“What Napoleon was to France, what Wilhem II is to Germany, what Edward the Peacemaker was to Great Britain, so might Roosevelt be to the United States could they but see into their own future and throw aside their greed, brutality, and narrow-mindedness in one effort, to achieve greatness.” –“Rita,” for the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Gilded Age Daughters

The deck chair is a fearful incentive to sentimentality. What with it and the promenade for health's sake, and the dances and concerts and other amusements got up to enliven the voyage, it is nothing short of miraculous that any young man gets to land without being labeled “appropriated by Miss Columbia till further notice.”

Domestic unity in wedlock is not a necessity of the American marriage. But the majority are very happy and very satisfactory. The husband has his occupations, friends, and amusements; the wife hers. They often move in entirely different “sets” and meet at a table or an entertainment with pleasant sense of surprise. But it is understood that the husband must not intrude into a “higher” social circle then that of his own choosing, even if his wife be a shining light therein.

These matters are beautifully managed in the States. No wonder that an English husband finds it difficult to act up to the etiquette of such a position!

There is a word of which American people are very fond. It is “attractive.” It is an English word, but they do not use it in English fashion. It is a synonym for the seaside girl, and the engaged girl. They're always “attractive” when they fall short of being “just lovely.” It lets them down gracefully to a safe vantage point of exploitation.

The “attractive” girl is perpetually being engaged or breaking off engagements. If she is afraid of scandal she goes off to Europe and tries her “prentice hand” on the liner en route. The deck chair is a fearful incentive to sentimentality. What with it and the promenade for health's sake, and the dances and concerts and other amusements got up to enliven the voyage, it is nothing short of miraculous that any young man gets to land without being labeled “appropriated by Miss Columbia till further notice.”
                                                                      

May Van Alen was most certainly  an “Attractive Girl” 

At one point, May Van Alen was said to soon be engaged to the Duke of Manchester and the newspapers ate the story up, complete with all the necessary “family gossip” and pedigrees.

May Van Alen Weds in London

 

May Van Alen was a daughter of the Gilded Age.  She continually dumped suitors and fiances, one of who committed suicide over her breaking their engagement. She was also the granddaughter of the Astors and the eldest daughter of James J. Van Alen of New York and Newport Rhode Island. In fact, the New York Times described her this way; “Miss Van Alen, as already stated, is the eldest daughter of James Van Alen. She is a very odd, original girl, extremely clever, and with a reputation for slight eccentricity.” It goes on to say how the lives of all three Van Alen “children has not been of the happiest, not withstanding their money and their lineage.”

The article went on to remind readers of the Van Alen's mother's death shortly after giving birth to her youngest child, Sarah, and how James Van Alen took his brood overseas for an education. In the same article, it states about May Van Alen, "She is not pretty, but is chic and dresses in a very conspicuous and Parisian manner. She has an excited manner in talk and a fondness for saying startling things." Not a very flattering portrait of a young society girl in America's Gilded Age.

May Van Alen finally did choose a husband. She married Griswold Thompson in a private ceremony in St. George’s, Hanover Square in London, on September 24, 1913. The ceremony was conducted with the greatest level of secrecy and included a modest ten persons as guests. Never mind the fact that the wedding was actually scheduled for that coming Sunday. 

Odd? Yes. But May Van Alen left many people in her wake, even invited guests it seems. The strict etiquette of the day (and even the much lamented relaxed etiquette of today), would more than frown on inviting  guests to a wedding, then marrying in secrecy just days before the date one's guests have planned to attend. 

Was the newspaper article their invited guests' only notice? Or were they sent cards, or notes, of explanation?  –From the blog “Etiquette with Maura Graber,” November 2012

But it is quite right for an American girl to flirt, or even engage herself as often as she pleases. It only proves her attractiveness. Her father and mother have let her do exactly as she wished in childhood, and she carries on the habit when she is “out.” It is no wonder therefore that marriage has to be considered a pastime, not an obligation.

I expect to be told that my views are wildly exaggerated and that I “must not judge of American marriages by what I've heard, read, or seen in America.” But my readers must please remember that I am looking at them through English binoculars. Possibly I do not focus them a right. Possibly we do not look at things in the same way even as we do not speak the same language, or follow the same rules of life.

But of this I am sure— as long as the wedding is nearly an exposition of vanity and extravagance—as long as it is made an excuse for getting headlines in the papers, and treated as a mere theatrical spectacle, so long will it be a travesty of the name and it's sacred and social obligations!

Do not suppose I consider America as the sole offender in this respect. We are getting just as bad on our side. We, too, send the unimportant photograph, the list of wedding presents, the names (especially titles) of the wedding guests to any paper that will publish them. As yet our press is a little more decorous, but they are following close on the heels of their transatlantic brotherhood. America first showed us the value of advertising. It remains for us to prove it in the interests of the marriage– as well as the commercial– market." –“Rita” for the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Title Hunting Etiquette

"These matters are beautifully managed in the States. No wonder that an English husband finds it difficult to act up to the etiquette of such a position!"– From "Rita," in New York Times, 1910 

“Transatlantic matches became so much the rage among the newly rich that a whole industry sprang up to serve their needs, including professional matchmakers and magazines. Typically, the American heiress would start by consulting the quarterly publication The Titled American: a list of American ladies who have married foreigners of rank. This contained a register of all the eligible titled bachelors still on the market, with a handy description of their age, accomplishments and prospects – for example:

‘The Marquess of Winchester is the fifteenth Marquess and Premier Marquess in the Peerage of Great Britain. He is also the Hereditary Bearer of the Cap of Maintenance. The entailed estates amount to 4,700 acres, yielding an income of $22,000. He is 32 years of age, and a captain of the Coldstream Guards. Family seat: Amport House, Hampshire.’ From ‘The Titled American’ No 2, March 1890

This 19th-century version of match.com was in great demand in the Fifth Avenue and Newport mansions where these American heiresses lived. Many came from families whose wealth was very recent, and who were desperate to stand out in a famously snobbish New York society where mere money was no guarantee of acceptance. The upper echelon, known famously as The Four Hundred, was based on the number of people who could fit comfortably into Mrs Astor’s ballroom – Mrs Astor being the most powerful woman in New York society on account of both her breeding and her fabulous wealth.” –Daisy Goodwin, Cash for Titles: The Billion-Dollar Ladies, for Daily Mail Online 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and a British View of Dollar Princesses

“Rita” was actually British
authoress, Mrs. Desmond Humphreys – Dollar Princesses, unlike their British peers, had loads of confidence, were not as restrained by rules of etiquette, and were considered very outspoken. They made an indelible impact on British society that continues to this day. Princess Diana's great-grandmother, Frances Work (later the Honorable Mrs. Frances Burke-Roche), was the daughter of another Wall Street millionaire, and was a Dollar Princess whose great, great grandson is now heir to the British throne.

It may seem as if I was prejudiced, but indeed I am not. If the real truth were spoken of most of these international alliances they would be proved not only unsatisfactory but immoral. Wholly and entirely immoral as concerned with the true obligations and the true meaning of marriage. But the truth never is spoken of such matters. It hurts too much; or humiliates to cruelly.

I had been told so much of the perfections of the American husband that I naturally studied him as a valuable addition to my snapshots of American character. Except that he made money for his wife to spend, and gave her too little of his time for quarreling, and let her do exactly as she pleased, there was nothing to discover. His public attitude was what his National pride in himself demanded. His private life and his views of marital obligations were just those of the ordinary selfish polygamist creature who has existed since the foundations of the world.   

Luncheons and teas in New York, at the Plaza, the Waldorf, Delmonico’s, or in private houses or clubs, did not interest me very much except as a surprise at the absence of men. No American — I ask pardon — New York man attends any “function” until the evening. He is too busy making money, commercially or professionally; but the women take so much pains to entertain each other and their guests that one scarcely notices the omission. Also, they have the good sense to dress as carefully and expensively for their own sex as the women of Europe deem necessary for the other. Still, I must confess to some natural surprise at the absence of men. Not that I consider the American man an ornamental addition to room or restaurant.

The American husband is neither better nor worse than any other husband, but it is considered unwise for his wife to say so. She praises him in notes of exclamation, and effects of pity for her English sister who has "freedom," and less money to spend on her own pretty, selfish, vain person.

The story was going through the length and breadth of the States as to a bogus title purchased by the usual American dollars for the new usual American daughter. I felt so sorry for the sordid story, the shame and misery that it entailed that I could not even say, “Well, you deserve what you get!” But I did ask, “Will this be a lesson to the American father, and the American daughter?” No one believed it would.

Which brings me back to my starting point. If marriage is not looked upon as a sacred obligation, it must of necessity sink to sordid barter. And when an “alliance” between two absolutely indifferent, yet commercially minded people is published, advertised, and gloried in, there is no one on earth to be more commiserated than those two people. And in their heart of hearts they know it, or will know it, ere the echo of their wedding bells has ceased to haunt their ears.

I was perpetually worried by interviewers as to my idea on divorce. American divorce, of course. I refused to give any opinion, so it was given for me in that airy independent fashion of your American interviewer. However, I read up on “statistics” on the subject, and made all sorts of judicious inquiries, and I learned that reports as to the number of divorces being a third of the number of marriages, were much exaggerated.

True that marriage is not looked upon as a binding contract; it has a pleasing illusion of instability, but that does not necessitate divorce. It only simplifies marriage. The “lamb” is led to the “slaughter” with a chastened hope of green meadows and sweet pasturage beyond the slaughter house. She grows less fearful of the ordeal, and looks forward to the escape. Just a leap into blindness, darkness, momentary confusion and then – Freedom.

To the American girl, Freedom is the breath of life. She expects it as her right and she only accepts a marriage as one of its prerogatives. Thus it is that no self-respecting American husband denies his wife her coterie of boys; her faithful admirers; The donors of candy and flowers, and corsage bouquets; the escort to theater and restaurant; the glad wild hooliganism of Coney or Manhattan Beach, or Long Island, or the romantic shelter of the Adirondacks. With all this liberty there is absolutely no need for any radical “change of partners,” unless indeed the lawful husband desires it or obliges it by some untoward scandal.

With a little discretion an American marriage might be the happiest and most tolerant of American contracts. Far less exacting than the professional or business one. It is certainly less important. –“Rita” for the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia