Respect for Religion and Old Age

A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted “free thinkers” are men of pure lives and noble instincts?

Some young people seem to imagine that they are living in the age of Voltaire, and make a merit of skeptical and even atheistical opinions. They laugh at the sacred character of the ministry, and deride what is venerable and sacred. This class is as deserving of contempt, as it is avoided in truly good society. Impiety is no longer fashionable as it was in the days when an atheistical philosopher thought to make laws for the world, and construe liberty into license to outrage every pious instinct.

A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted “free thinkers” are men of pure lives and noble instincts?

Another sin is its want of respect for women and for persons of advanced years. A man of religious feeling holds himself bound to those duties, in respect to old age, that were observed in ancient times. But the young men of whom we have been speaking make a parade of rudeness in the presence of an old man; they pay him no more respect than if he were an unfledged youth of eighteen like themselves; they smoke cigars under his nose; scarcely deign to acknowledge him in the street; and never are willing to remember that their father is or was an old man, and that they will themselves grow old. Such respect neither their parents nor themselves. Diogenes declared himself to be a dog that he might have a right to indulge his cynical disposition. So are these flippant theologians who have sunk to the same level.

One word as to the influence of religion upon the character of the young girl. A religious course of training can alone impart to the feminine character that spirit of yielding gentleness which, in domestic, as in public life, is the basis of politeness. Deprived of these qualities, a woman would be unamiable in the family circle, as well as in the world, where, in spite of her efforts to appear pleasing, her bad education would inevitably display itself. Young ladies of this class, if they do not go the length of impertinence, have a dissatisfied air, and indulge in the habit of criticising every thing with severity. 

If married, they quickly banish peace from the conjugal roof, by their exactions and ill-humor. They are not willing to make a single sacrifice for their husband's happiness; quarrels and oppositions please them, and the gentlest yoke becomes a heavy chain. The husband thus situated may consider himself happy, if his wife will condescend to occupy herself at all with domestic affairs, and things so common as the concerns of the family. 

An irreligious woman is as much to be abhorred as a drunken woman: she is no longer fit to lead in society and to give tone to its morals; she is not fit to be a mother; for her children will surely be reckless and godless; she is not a grace, but a blot on her sex, disliked even by men who profess to no religious conviction.—  From Beadle’s “Dime Book of Practical Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen,” 1859

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners for Young Children

On Politeness of Young Children – “Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children should be taught that it is rude...

• To yawn without trying to suppress it, or without concealing the mouth with the hand 
• To whistle or hum in the presence of older persons
• To make any monotonous noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc... 
• To play with napkin rings, or any article at table during meal time 
• To pick the teeth with the fingers
• To trim or clean one’s nails outside one’s room 
• To lounge anywhere in the presence of company
• To place the elbows on the table, or to lean upon it while eating
• To speak of absent persons by their first names, when they would not so address them if they were present
• To acquire the habit of saying “you know,” “says he,” “says she” 
• To use slang words
• To tattle
• To hide the mouth with the hand when speaking 
• To point at anyone or anything with the finger
• To stare at persons
• To laugh at one’s own stories or remarks
• To toss articles instead of handing them
• To leave the table with food in the mouth 
• To take possession of a seat that belongs to another without instantly rising upon his return
• To leave anyone without saying “good-by” 
• To interrupt any one in conversation; 
• To push or shove others
• To ridicule others
• To pass, without speaking, any one whom they know

From Practical Etiquette by N.C., circa 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Junior Miss Etiquette of 1964

“This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit sonic social error and not even know it....” 

Dear Miss Deb...

For answers to your questions on dating, etiquette and beauty 

Q. My dates and I have no trouble with conversation until that agonizing good night scene at the door. I could die as I shift from one foot to the other and stammer, “ . . guess I’ll he seeing you” for the millionth time. How can I develop a graceful exit technique?

A. By planning ahead just as you did in getting ready for the date. Locate your keys, express your feeling about the good time you had, make the small talk on the way to the door. Let him unlock and open the door for you. Don’t linger. Say your final “wonderful time-good night,” and allow your smile to float back briefly as you disappear behind the closing door. If you work it right, he may be disappointed, but not offended! 

Q. This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit sonic social error and not even know it. Are there any definite party going rules I could learn for insurance?

A. There probably are as many rules as there are parties, but here arc three tips which provide a general rule of thumb. Always try to be helpful, cooperative about any special party plans, and a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!) Be as thoughtful about the family and their home as you would want people to be about your own. Express your thanks for a good time and leave promptly when the party is over. These guideposts should make you the most popular guest of the season.

Q. Older people make me self-conscious. I always feel they are critical of me because of all the talk about wild teenagers. Should I just avoid them whenever possible?

A. The sooner you learn to deal casually and respectfully with older adults the better. They will be coming into your life more and more as you go away to school or out into the job market. Begin by relaxing and being as natural as possible. Remember, adults like to be put at their ease, too. Just as you don't like to be considered a “wild teenager,” adults don't like to be thought of as “has-beens” or “critical old fuddy-duddies.” Try to listen for the likenesses between you instead of the differences.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Betty Bradeen on American Manners

“We are apt to overlook small points. We are not courteous to the aged, we are not respectful to our elders. We are not very strong on table manners, since toothpicks are still displayed in conspicuous places. We do not respect the rights of others or the opinions of those better informed than ourselves.” –Betty Bradeen 

Betty Bradeem’s Daily Chat

I am afraid that we are allowing the fine points of etiquette to slip away from our daily life. We are not careful about keeping appointments and redeeming promises, about acknowledging favors and gifts and answering letters. It is downright impertinent to accept an invitation to dinner or luncheon and fail to put in an appearance or send an excuse. The hostess has spent time, money and thought in preparation and her disappointment is keen. When annoyance at thoughtlessness is added, she is quite justified in quietly cutting out that particular guest from her visiting list. A promise should be a sacred thing and only made after due reflection. Then nothing short of a calamity should stand in the way of its fulfillment. 

If social ostracism was the fate of promise-breakers there would be fewer offenders and less discomfort in the world. Harsh remedies are sometimes needed to waken us to a sense of our responsibilities, and I know of nothing more humiliating to a woman than being left out in the reckoning of desirable persons. Few of us show a sufficient appreciation of favors. When we have been entertained through the generosity of woman or man, the least we can do in return is to express our pleasure—the warmer the terms the better. I know from experience, that a few written words or a telephone message the day after an entertainment compensates one for a deal of weariness. I know that a prompt letter of acceptance repays one twice over for the trouble spent in choosing a gift. 

It is always hard to console grief, but it is a duty we owe everybody with whom we associate. Duty is not a pleasant word, but it plays a large part in life, and we should not try to evade it. In a broad sense we are a fairly decent nation in the matter of politeness, but we are apt to overlook small points. We are not courteous to the aged, we are not respectful to our elders. We are not very strong on table manners, since toothpicks are still displayed in conspicuous places. We do not respect the rights of others or the opinions of those better informed than ourselves. Listening is almost a lost art because we all want to talk and are so busy thinking of the things we want to talk about as to make us oblivious of the speech of others. It would almost seem, from this list of shortcomings, that we can have little or no politeness to fall back upon, yet we manage to pass muster in these days. 

Of course, the truly delightful people are those who are polite in small matters, for the little things of life are those which bring us pleasure or pain. Among the guests at a recent house party was a man of middle-age who was established as a favorite in half an hour after his arrival. He was an army officer who had not forgotten his training, and his manners were a delight to men and women. He excelled in small points which other men overlook and there was his charm. Even a multi-millionaire could not have a chance against such a rival for popularity. –Betty Bradeen, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Wealth in Parenting

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child...

Etiquette — A Rich Heritage Which the Poorest May Give Their Children

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child. You may not be able to send your boy to Harvard nor your girl to dancing school. They will never upbraid you for that. But bring them through childhood surrounded by and solely taught coarse, common, slovenly ways of speech and behavior, and no matter how devoted and unselfish you have otherwise tried to be, as surely as they live will they see the day when your memory is stung by the bitterest reproaches. 

Start them in the world with faultless manners, and though they have no other inheritance they are immeasurably far from poor in the world’s most cherished coin. Money does not rule everywhere. Does some busy, tired mother or careworn father cry out, “How shall I study all the intricacies of etiquette to teach them again!” I reply: There are a dozen broad rules that are sufficient to pass muster. The rest are very good to know, and not absolutely necessary. 

I set down some of them here, with this excuse, that I see them constantly violated by bright, gentle little people who would be glad to "act pretty," if, poor, small souls they had the faintest stimulus of example or even precept to guide them. Teach a boy never to wear his hat in the  house, nor while standing before a woman; to allow a woman always to precede him, even (as latest advices say) in ascending stairs; to be quick to open doors for her, to carry her parcels, to wait upon her and never to sit while she is standing. 

Teach both hoys and girls good table manners. Make them wait by their chairs till their elders are seated; eat noiselessly; not fidget nor talk with full mouths, nor upon unappetizing subjects; not leave knife and fork trailing off the plate, but always laid side by side, never crossed upon it, every second that they are not in use; not to soak and sop their food; not to bite off bits from a slice: to half fold the napkin when it is not to be used again; not to reach: to be courteous in thanks and requests; to push the chair against the table after the meal. 

Teach them always to knock at a closed door: not to call from one room to another; not to slouch in their seats, nor, if in a rocking chair, to rock. With speech there are more than a dozen ‘don'ts.’ They certainly are vulgar who use "havin’’ and "doin,” and “run” for "ran” and "come” for "came;” who are not early taught to abstain from subjects and words—all proper enough in their place—that are not agreeable to the most sensitive ear.

A child almost surely learns from the beginning to wash his hands often; not to take bones in his fingers nor to drink from his saucer; to take off his hat when be meets a lady (but it should include even little girls) and to use “done” and "seen” in in their proper places. I wish some elders were not content with this very slim outfit of polite baggage when as much more would be as easily taught. "Some day the child will wish so, too." says the writer in Good Housekeeping, from whom we quote.—Red Bluff Daily News, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boys and Girls

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness.

Wise Etiquette Advice for 

Victorian Era Boys and Girls

Nothing can be a greater mark of ill-manners than to remain sitting while your elder is standing before you talking to you. Rise and offer your seat or another at once, and never lounge on the sofa or take the easiest chair, while there are those in the room whose age gives them a better claim to them. 

And always be polite, respectful and modest in your demeanor to everyone, especially to your superiors, remembering also that there is nothing more disgusting than to see young people assume an air of self-importance and disrespect towards anyone. 

Never stare people in the face. If you are talking with anyone, it is proper to look at them— eye to eye—with a cheerful, dignified assurance; but to stare at anyone, as though you saw something peculiar about him, is exceedingly rude and impolite. 

Do not cultivate clownish or monkeyish manners. We have seen rude boys and even girls, who seemed to take pride in antic gestures, foolish jesting, buffoonery or what is styled "drollery," and who took great delight in using odd expressions, thinking that it made them appear interesting to the lookers on. Such behavior may excite the laughter of the foolish, as the wise men tell us: "For the mouths of fools feedith on foolishness," But every sensible person regards such conduct with disgust and abhorence. And every youth who acts the buffoon lowers himself in the opinion of those with whom he desires to stand high. 

Be gentle and quiet in your movements. If you are a young man just commencing a business career, good manners will be indispensable to your success. Appear to feel an interest in your work; let your eyes light up at every command, and let your feet be nimble to perform it. There are boys who look so dull and heavy, and walk so slowly, and appear so lazy, that no business man will employ them. Be energetic, prompt, industrious, and careful. Attend to your business in a quiet polite manner; equally removed from familiarity and haughtiness. 

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness. And if our young friends would only remember what Lear said while hanging over Cordelia's dead body, it would help them to put far from them loud and boisterous manners: "Her voice was ever sweet, Gentle and low, an excellent thing in woman." — From The California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia