Car Pool and Ride-share Etiquette

A car pool or ride-share arrangement can lead to disagreements unless the members of the car pool observe rules of etiquette.

In large companies whose many employees come from far and near, car pools will usually spring up, formed by people who live in the same area and want to share commuting expenses. Either the members take turns driving their cars, or one member drives regularly and the others pay him their share of expenses. In either case the arrangement can lead to disagreements unless the members of the car pool observe rules of etiquette.

General rules of etiquette for the car pool. Here are some basic rules:

1. Be punctual. Driver and passengers must realize that to hold up the others is impolite and can cause them to be late. It is best to have a definite agreement on what the latest time is that the pool can leave, and to stick to it.

2. Let others know of a change in plans. It is inconsiderate to neglect to notify the others of a change in plans. Naturally, this is especially true when you are the driver, but it applies to passengers as well. Even if by agreement the group will leave at a given time if you don't arrive, it is polite to tell someone that you won't be there and save the group the wait and the uncertainty. For this reason it is best if each member has the phone number of the others.

3. Don't offend through personal habits. In the close quarters of an automobile, personal habits are accentuated, especially offensive ones. This makes it essential that you show extra care. To smoke a cigar, for example, would not be considerate unless you knew that no one in the pool would object. Insisting on a window seat or on some other preferred treatment will only create ill will.

When you are a passenger. As a rider in a car pool you have certain responsibilities toward the driver:

1. Respect the driver's property. Do not drop cigarettes or cigarette ashes on the upholstery. Close car doors gently. In short, treat the car you ride in as if it were your own.

2. Be prompt in payment. If yours is a pool where payment is involved, don't make the driver have to ask you for it. This can be an embarrassing situation for both of you. To avoid it, pay the driver promptly on the day agreed upon.

3. Don't ask the driver to be your private chauffeur. Even if you are paying for your ride, don't ask the driver to go out of his way to help you do any of your special errands. Of course, in an emergency this rule can be relaxed.

4. Help, or at least offer to help, the driver with emergency repairs. It is extremely inconsiderate to sit in the car while the driver is changing a tire or doing some other emergency work.

When you are the driver. If you are the driver in a car pool, you have special responsibilities, too:

1. Drive safely. The lives of your passengers are in your hands. Drive with prudence and remember that unnecessary sudden stops or jackrabbit starts can make the ride an uncomfortable and uneasy one for your riders.

2. Keep your car in good repair. Regular maintenance will pre- vent breakdowns that can greatly inconvenience both you and your riders. Don't leave broken windows, doors and the like in disrepair — an open window can defeat even the best car heater on a cold winter's day!

3. Make sure you have adequate insurance. Even if insurance is not compulsory in your state, make sure that you are protected against any liability that might arise out of an accident.

4. Make definite financial arrangements with your riders. If cash payments are involved in your car pool, each member should know exactly what he has to pay and when you expect him to pay it. Some people feel that it is polite to appear casual or reticent about these matters; actually, it is inconsiderate to be anything but clear. It only embarrasses your passengers when a mixup occurs because they weren't sure of the rules. — From, the “Business Etiquette Handbook,” by Parker Publishing Company Inc., West Nyack, NY

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Savoir Faire — 10 More Tips

 11. Don't order foods you are unfamiliar with, you don't know how to eat properly, or you have difficulty eating when you are dining and attempting to do business at the same time. These dishes may be tempting; however, you may feel too self-conscious to relax and be yourself, when how you look and conduct yourself will be scrutinized throughout the meal. (It is estimated that a full 1/3 of job applicants hoping to land top jobs in management positions are turned down based solely on their table manners, or lack thereof.)

For example: Pasta dishes, highly popular and tasty, are difficult to get from the plate to the mouth without tremendous dexterity. Regarding spaghetti, fettuccine, linguine and other long strands of pasta, these are the rules I give my clients:

• If you are given a large spoon to twirl the pasta into, keep the spoon down close to the dish, so sauce does not splatter on your clothes or other diners. 
• Hold the spoon at an angle in one hand and with your fork in the other, pull a few strands into the bowl of the spoon and “twirl” the fork until the strands grow into a neat little bundle to transfer to your mouth.
• If you don't feel comfortable using this American-Italian style with a spoon as a helper, or aren't given one, you should attempt to twirl the pasta without it. In proper dining, you are allowed to “cut” the pasta with the side of your fork, but never with a knife.
• If you still are not comfortable with the entire procedure, do what I do and order ravioli, rigatoni or other pastas that are shaped into tubes or pillows. Long strands of noodles, covered with sauce, don't really mix well when doing business.

12. If someone else is picking up the tab and orders for you, make a sincere attempt to eat the food. It is only polite in a few instances to turn the food down. Food allergies and religious dietary restrictions are two valid excuses for requesting a substitution. Other times, if you are quick, you can gracefully get a substitution if you know why the undesired dish is being ordered in the first place. 

While dining with family members one day, the person hosting the luncheon said very matter of factly, “I think you’ll all enjoy the chicken salad. We should all have that,” just as we opened our menus. Knowing she lives on a limited income and that price, not flavor, was the issue, I quickly checked the price of the chicken salad versus that of the Caesar salad. The Caesar salad was a dollar less. I said, “I had chicken yesterday for lunch, but the Caesar salad looks good.” She scanned her menu, looked relieved and said, “Yes, you should have that instead!”

In another instance, the escargot that was ordered for me couldn’t be turned down in the social situation I was in. I was relieved to see that the snails were so small, I realized I could swallow them without chewing them first, which is what I did. I popped them in my mouth, pretended to chew them, and drank lots of water! I have come to enjoy escargot a great deal now, and serve them on a regular basis, but at the time the thought of eating snails made me sick.. which leads me to Tip #13.

13. Bodily functions, recent operations, accidents on the highway, or anything else that might cause someone to lose his or her appetite, are subjects that are “off limits” when dining. Just because you don't feel queasy at the sound of something, doesn't mean everyone else shares your cast-iron stomach.

14. There are only three places for your napkin to be when dining out: 

• On your lap while you are seated. 
• On the seat of your chair when you are temporarily away from the table (in the restroom, for example).
• On the table, to the left of where your plate was originally.

15. Refrain from using toothpicks at the table. They are common in Europe, and offered at many restaurants in the U.S., however, rinsing bowls used to be too. Unfamiliar with mouth rinsing bowls? These were bowls of water that were brought to the table to rinse the mouth. Gargling wasn't acceptable, but after rinsing your mouth out, you had to spit the water back into the bowl and place it back on the table. Thankfully, these bowls fell out of popularity by the mid-1800s, and I wish toothpicks would do the same. If you have to pick your teeth, wait until you are alone and in private.

16. Don't gawk or laugh at other diners, or interrupt other diners that you might be acquainted with, in an effort to do some after-hours “networking,” or to get caught up on business. You could be intruding on a well-deserved evening out, lovebirds with nothing else on their minds but each other, or worse yet, a “Let’s-call-the-whole-thing-off” dinner. Some people feel safer surrounded by others when making changes in relationships, as it gives the whole thing of feeling of non-intimacy. You never know what you might be intruding on. A polite “Hello” is the only conversation you should get engaged in, unless you’re encouraged to stick around. Even then, don’t wear out your welcome.

17. Back to those lovebirds... If you want your sweetie to have a taste of your meal, the correct way to do it is this: have him or her pass the utensil from his or her plate. Use this to select a bite-size piece and carefully pass it back. It is never polite for someone to use his or her utensil to fish pieces of food out of someone else’s plate.

18. Food or utensils accidentally dropped to the floor should be retrieved by your waiter, waitress or a busboy. Ask politely for a replacement. It is too easy to up-end a table while trying to retrieve something for oneself.

19. Obey dress codes. Don't assume your sense of style is above what the management feels is in good taste. If the desire is to have the restaurant represented by a certain type of clothing, and you disagree but love the food, order the food to be taken out.

20. If you have a problem with other diners being too loud, obnoxious or unruly, take your problem to the manager or whoever is in charge. Don't attempt to settle the matter yourself. Consider the restaurant as you would a private home. Good restaurants have the savvy and the staff that will treat you as a guest, and they will look out for you. The words “host” and “hostess” weren't used originally in dining establishments simply for lack of better words. 

                                                         
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Savoir Faire — 10 Tips

Restaurant dining is a two-way street. We customers always expect everything to be right every time we dine out. But there are lots of little things we can do to help the restaurant make it the most enjoyable experience it can be. I know this, as years ago I was a restaurant manager, many years back when I was in college. I put together a list of 10 tips that can smooth out the experience and, at the same time, take into consideration the restaurant's position as well.

1. If you prefer to dine without the presence of small children, dine out later in the evening. Families tend to eat out earlier, so they can get kids bathed and ready for bed on schedule. If you are really serious about this issue, call the restaurant well ahead of time. Politely explain you don't care for the company of small children while you dine, and ask if the manager can please help you.

2. Tip #1 one also works well for food allergies and dietary restrictions, as well as any other special needs. The management usually will do their best to accommodate you. Going to extra trouble for you, ensures a certain customer trust and loyalty while eliminating any surprises later on.

Years ago, when my stepson was in a wheelchair and my son in a highchair, I called ahead to the restaurant at which a surprise family birthday dinner had been planned. They said they did not take reservations and I said that I understood, but would they please keep in mind we would be arriving about 7:00 p.m.? The manager said he would do what he could, but could not promise us anything, as Saturday was their busiest evening. 

I was thrilled when we arrived to find a table waiting for us at 7:00, even though they were running a half-hour wait. It wasn’t in a very scenic part of the restaurant and was quite noisy, next to the kitchen, but they had prepared for a large group party that needed special accommodations, as I had alerted them earlier in the week. We were very pleased and let our friends with kids know!

3. Be on time for reservations. If you will be more than 15 minutes late, call and let the host or hostess know. Even when reservations are not involved, as in the case with Tip #2, if we hadn't been there at 7:00 p.m. as I had said we would, I don't know if they would have held that table for us. A good restaurant manager likes to know if there are going to be any surprises. Especially on a Saturday night.

4. Remember you are “sharing” the place with everyone else dining there, so you are “sharing” the staff as well. The waiter or waitress is not your personal servant and should be treated with respect. Although there are poor examples to be found in every profession, on the whole, any group whose main source of income is derived from tips (as is the case here in the United States) and the generosity of those they serve, tends to care about how they perform their jobs.

As a grandmother and an etiquette teacher, I enjoy eating with small children. But it’s not everyone’s cup of tea... — If you prefer to dine without the presence of small children, dine out later in the evening. Families tend to eat out earlier, so they can get kids bathed and ready for bed on schedule. 

5. If you have a problem with your waiter, waitress or food, do not announce angrily, “I want to see the manager immediately!” Politely, ask the host or hostess if the manager is available, and say you would like to speak with him or her. Managers of chain restaurants, as well as privately owned establishments, are usually given authority to pick up tabs for diners who are having problems with the service or food. They are much more sympathetic to a polite patron than to a rude patron. They ultimately decide whether or not they wish you to return for another visit, based on your behavior.

6. Read the fine print on the menu. It will let you know ahead of time if you will be charged for splitting an order, substitutions, requiring separate checks, or any other special requests you want to make.

7. Most restaurants automatically add a gratuity tip to the check for a large groups. In some places “large” can mean over 6 people, and at others, it means over 15.

8. Try to be attentive when the server introduces himself or herself and lists nightly specials, etc... at your table. If you cannot remember his or her name, “Sir,” “Miss” and “Ma’am” are preferred to “Hey! You!” “Waiter” and “Waitress” are also acceptable.

9. The polite tip is 15% to 20% of the check, or tab. The cost of wine is not supposed to be included when figuring your percentage to tip on; however, I always include it as a rule if the server has been helpful in selecting the wine and quick to refill our glasses. Keep in mind, your server most likely gives a portion of his or her tips to the busboy and bartender.

10. Dine without a lot of showing us and fanfare. Don’t order for everyone else and don’t fight over the check, either. If you want to make sure you are paying for the meal, excuse yourself to the powder room or other area and discreetly talk with the host or manager instead. 

Dining out should be a fun experience for everyone in attendance, not a private stage show or an opportunity for someone to show just how much savoir faire he or she has. Don’t confuse arrogance with class. Just put your best foot forward and keep it out of your mouth. By the way, that's where the food goes.— Maura J. Graber

 
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Form in Public 1923

Well-bred folk the world over are unostentatious in public. It is a notable fact that in almost all countries of the world, navy blue, gray not too pale in tone, and black, are preferred colors for streetwear. The sole exception to this rule is the hot countries, where on account of the climate, white is worn.

• In street, ferry, restaurant or theater, a well-bred person will conduct himself so as to draw no attention to himself. Loud voices, noticeable gesticulation, conversation in which absent friends are called by name in tones easily overheard by bystanders, all these are marks of those who “don't belong.”
• In a crowd, never hail a friend by calling his name, if he is some distance away, for it is not necessary that you should thus inform those who block the way, of your friend's identity. Either you must contrive to pass and join him, or else catch his eye and bow.
• Jostling and elbowing away through a throng of people is not to be thought of, except by those who do not care how undignified they appear in the eyes of others.
• In public — as elsewhere —ladies and gentlemen are guided by the principle of consideration for others, and respect for the rights of others.
• In any line of people waiting for tickets and the like, each person should wait his turn. A woman has no right to place herself ahead of earlier comers —just because she is a woman.
• Kissing, embracing, and excitable greetings, on the part of two women who spy each other in a public place, is out of place. Neither, in conversation, is it well-bred to clasp the hand of the person to whom you talk. Women should not powder publicly — although this rule of etiquette is so often broken, one wonders who keeps it.
• Nudging, to attract the attention of the person addressed, is unspeakable.
• Well-bred folk the world over are unostentatious in public. It is a notable fact that in almost all countries of the world, navy blue, gray not too pale in tone, and black, are preferred colors for streetwear. The sole exception to this rule is the hot countries, where on account of the climate, white is worn. —Virginia Sidney Hale, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Confusion Over Respiratory Etiquette

 

Disgusted? You are not alone! Why Ms. Millett doesn’t know about respiratory etiquette is a mystery to Etiquipedia. Any good etiquette book has good manners regarding coughs and sneezes.— “If ‘stay at home with a cold’ were a definite rule of etiquette instead of just a health rule, maybe more of us would pay attention to it. After all, more people break health rules than eat with their knives or otherwise defy the rules of etiquette.

It Shouldn't Happen!

If “stay at home with a cold” were a definite rule of etiquette instead of just a health rule, maybe more of us would pay attention to it. After all, more people break health rules than eat with their knives or otherwise defy the rules of etiquette. As it is now, a guest will come to a party and in between a cough and a sneeze, explain to anyone who cares to listen how she really should be home in bed, but she just didn't feel she could let her hostess down at the last minute. Other guests must accept her graciously, expose themselves to her germs and take home colds of their own as a memento of the party.

That wouldn't happen if the “cold spreader” was frowned upon socially, and “stay at home with a cold” was a real and definite rule of etiquette. After all, why shouldn't it be considered really bad manners to go to a party with a cold? The guest with a cold is certainly not a sparkling addition to any party. And she or he is a very real menace to the health, of the other guests. The guest with a cold who. says proudly, “I really should be at home in bed” is telling the truth. She SHOULD be. And there's probably not a soul in the room who doesn't wish that she was. — By Ruth Millett, 1948

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Respect and Etiquette

 

What "Respect" Looks Like

Respect is one of the most important words we can know.  We feel it when we read or hear it. We know its significance when we use it.  And, as the 18th century icon, Adam Smith said, “We desire both to be respectable and to be respected.”  The positive view formed on how persons are living their lives is the stuff of respect. 

But as important as respect is, it’s interesting that the word itself no longer shows up with the same frequency it once did.  Google Books Ngram searches of its data bases of printed books, indicates usage of the word “respect” is the lowest it has been in over three centuries.    

Now is the perfect time to ask ourselves how we conceptualize and demonstrate respect.

Respect is Not Fear

Respect and fear are sometimes intertwined when it comes to how they are perceived, however the two are very different.  You may think you respect someone or something you fear, but this is not true if insecurity, distrust, or chaos also exist.

The following statements help confirm the difference between respect and fear:

• A respected person commands respect, but their respect is never commanded. 
• When you admire a person and what she stands for, she commands your respect. 
• Recognizably honoring a person or cause demonstrates your statement of respect, or your desire to show respect for what others value. 
• If you deem another person worthy of respect, you can find personal inspiration in that person.  
• Qualities, deeds, values that attract and draw us to a person also call us to make these our virtues.
• Respect is not earned by making people fear us, but by their naturally admiring us. Admiration by fear is coercion. 
• We can always be afraid; we only earn respect.  Fear repels; respect attracts.
  
  

Putting it Into Practice

Respect in action is as simple as living by The Golden Rule.  You can test this by asking yourself:
“Am I treating others the way I would want to be treated?”  
“Are my actions admirable, honorable?”
“Do my actions make others feel cared for, valued, and important?”

Practicing respect looks, sounds, and feels like:  

• Listen, really listen, to what others say. 
• Give your attention to those you interact with. 
• Offer encouragement and support for the best in others. 
• Acknowledge that another person wants to speak and be heard.
• Put yourselves in someone else’s shoes to enable compassion, which sometimes is friendly silence. 
• Recognize and honor the difference among what’s mine, thine, and held in common. 

Each of the actions above demonstrate that respecting others is simply treating them as you would want to be treated.

Does Self-respect Come First?

It’s a “chicken and egg” question.  Learning to respect yourself does not happen apart from learning to respect others.  Other people are necessary in complex social mirroring and feedback processes.  

Every human being has intrinsic value and discovering this is a lifelong uncharted journey.  We respect ourselves when we find, define and accept our own worth and value.  

Self-check on self-respectful actions:

• Am I consistently being honest with myself?
• How am I doing with my learning and self-education?
• Am I taking care of myself, treating myself well?
• Am I taking responsibility for my own conduct?  
• Do I self-assess and work to eliminate bad influences or habits in my life?
• Do I give myself time to clearly articulate how I feel?
• Am I able to give myself an “A” for good manners and proper conduct, realizing that how other people react to me can be signals that I need to reevaluate and make changes?

Showing respect for yourself and others is the core of etiquette.  It is a simple word, but holds more meaning than the majority of other words in our language.  As George Matthew Adams wrote in the Sacramento Union on March 21, 1913: 
“Respect is the name of the Fellow who tends door for your Conscience.  He is the most sacred Office in life of your Character…Respect is your most faithful of Friends, your greatest Guide, your most powerful Protector, your safest Pilot into Port.”

“A person is a person no matter how small.”  ~ Dr. Seuss

                                          

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Surfing Etiquette

AH, SURFING. The sport of sinewy iconoclasts. No pesky umpires, no foul lines, no rules. Easy there, Kerouac. There is, in fact, an unspoken etiquette of the ocean. Here are the Top 10 rules of the reef:

1. We’re all guests of the sea. Just like you wouldn’t show up at a stranger’s house for dinner, you don’t just “drop in” on someone’s wave. In surfer parlance, “dropping in” means that you grabbed a wave that belonged to someone else, and it’s the worst breach of etiquette.
2. "Kook” means loser, not creative type. Surfers still use this old-school pejorative to brand morons, newbies and that guy who yelled, “Shark! Just kidding. What?” Learn the lingo before you go.
3. Let Brian Grazer paddle in peace. Yes, there are famous directors and potent producers surfing out in Malibu. But that doesn’t mean you can slip someone your script in a Ziploc bag or audition during a lull. “You don’t network. And if a wave comes, all conversations end abruptly,” says KCRW DJ and music supervisor Liza Richardson, who surfs regularly.
4. Study the lineup. Ever notice that surfers bob in semi-organized formations? That’s because there’s a pecking order — based on skill and seniority — known as the “lineup” and it determines who gets the best waves. “If someone is really good, I’ll get out of the way and just watch,” says Dana Nielsen, a veteran surfer and music engineer who works with producer Rick Rubin. And because waves can break left or right, it’s impossible to say who’s the best surfer until he or she starts shredding.
5. The old men and the sea. Sexagenarians don’t typically learn to hang ten. Those guys with barnacles in their grizzled beards have been surfing for 30-plus years and have earned the right of way. Respect them.
6. Skip the smoky eye, sister. Chris Mauro, editor of Surfer magazine, can spot a beginner by her blue eye shadow. “You’ll see girls wearing makeup or guys who look like they just walked out of a nightclub and you know that they’re new,” he says. “Anyone overdone stands out.”
7. Loose boards bash brains. Some pros may scoff at leashes, but most surfers agree that a little leg rope can go a long way. “A projectile surfboard can go anywhere from 20 to 30 miles per hour,” says Weston Kinney, who sells boards (and leashes) at Channel Islands Surfboards on Melrose Boulevard and estimates that 99% of surfers in L.A. use a leash. The rule of thumb: Your leash should be about the same length as your board.
8. Don’t brag about secret spots. “A great spot where four people go becomes a place with 12 surfers the next day if word gets out,” says Frank Caronna, founder of Natural Surf Technique school and instructor to Maria Bello and Jessica Biel. “You keep it to yourself.”
9. In other words, leave Matthew McConaughey in the car. Just last month, a kerfuffle broke out in Paradise Cove after a phalanx of paparazzi followed the actor to the Malibu beach. When the paps refused to leave, surfers attacked. The end result? Thanks to the press and photos, every first-time surfer who subscribes to Us Weekly will be heading to Paradise Cove from now on.
10. Waves of nausea. What do neglected wetsuits and puppies have in common? “Everyone urinates in their wetsuits,” says Caronna, who uses a shot of Woolite when he washes his surf togs. “But if you don’t rinse it in fresh water, and just throw it in the back of your car, that’s trouble.” - By Monica Corcoran, L.A. Times, 2008

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

College Classroom Etiquette

“College classes build off of each other, each assuming a base set of knowledge has been acquired before it is taken. Handing out a passing grade to a student who has not learned anything from the class sets them up for an even greater failure in their next one. The only people responsible for our successes or failures is ourselves.” 

——————— 

College classroom behavior has changed tremendously over the past 65 - 75 years. Not only have all of the technological advances achieved created a different learning atmosphere, societal changes have created waves of change on their own. Still, the need for classroom etiquette, respect for teachers, and respect for other students has always been, and remains now, extremely important.

Classes need more etiquette To my right, two people are talking excitedly about their weekend. To my left, someone absent-mindedly flips through their Facebook comments on their iPhone. Just in front of me, another person is listening to music with one ear bud in, all but hidden from view in her hair. A cell phone goes off, with a top-40 song clamoring out not too long before being silenced by its owner. Can you guess what’s wrong with this picture? 

We aren’t in a cafe, or sitting on a bus, we are sitting in the middle of a college class. Somewhere at the front, the teacher talks about the subject at hand, though I couldn’t tell you what it is. Sifting through all the other noise its difficult, and I can only catch so much with the murmuring all around. The instructor pauses from time to time, leveling dagger eyes in the direction of the loudest offender; waiting for the noise to subside before continuing. But this affords only a brief respite before the conversation creeps back in from the corners of the classroom, and the lesson is lost in the clamor once more. 

One would hope this kind of behavior would die out after graduating high school. College isn’t mandatory. Remember, we sign up for these classes, hand selected to fill our learning objectives and set us on the path toward a lucrative future. And students have to pay far too much in the eyes of many to attend. One would imagine the hefty price tag might lend a certain gravity and prompt students to take their classes seriously, as failing a class represents a monumental waste of money and time.

So why do so many students roll into class in the last fifteen minutes, or show up to pay absolutely no attention to the teacher? This is no time to be trying to be cool. Few employers will care about how popular you are perceived to be. Few employers will look beyond whether you have the qualifications they are seeking, and those who don’t give their classes the attention they deserve put getting those at risk. And yet, classrooms are plagued by disrespectful students who insist on disrupting the class, robbing not only themselves of quality education, but stealing it from others who show up with a serious desire to learn. At least, some realize the the jig is up, but there’s another group who think that although they have attended only a fraction of the classes, they will get a good grade.

They pile around the instructor after class, armed to the teeth with excuses and plea bargains that they will get a good grade, asking for extra credit, extra time, for a grade they don’t deserve, because they “really need an A in this class!” Often it is too late, and they loudly decree how the teacher doesn’t like them, it’s personal, it’s racist, it’s because they’re just mean or don’t care. Teachers do care. They care enough to work in a thankless job where disinterested students pay them little to no heed. And they care enough to fail those students, making sure they only move forward when they are finally armed with the knowledge they need to succeed. 

Teachers want to help others reach their goals, but those goals must be earned. Giving out grades to students who don’t deserve them is not only unfair to the ones who give their all in the classroom, it hurts the ones pleading for them too. College classes build off of each other, each assuming a base set of knowledge has been acquired before it is taken. Handing out a passing grade to a student who has not learned anything from the class sets them up for an even greater failure in their next one. The only people responsible for our successes or failures is ourselves. Give each class your all, and you may be surprised how much it gives back to you. — Phillip Khun, Experience Perspectives, 2013

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in a Covid-19 World

Etiquette-fully Doing What's Best for Your Health and Safety

Our accustomed work availabilities, personal services, shopping routines, opportunities, schedules, deliveries, get-togethers, savings accounts, parties, eating out, routine health visits . . . the list goes on -- all but disappeared within a month.  As society is adjusting, we’re observing angst in simple communication of needs regarding individual and family health concerns.

Today’s health and safety issues loom large, reflecting widespread fear and concern about public policies and outcomes.  Disconcertingly, civil conversation can seem reserved only for those holding similar views.  Deeply-held beliefs about our safety and health loom large, and can affect our civility towards others, obstructing or interfering with constructive discourse or simple statements and requests regarding one's health needs.

Asking for What You Need

We're hearing a lot of un-etiquette-ful comments these days outside the margins of expressing one's personal needs.  Do any of the following comments sound familiar to you?

Stating a health need, but prefacing or adding an opinion or belief about reality.

• “The virus is real, not a national conspiracy, so I want some social distancing if you don’t mind!” 
• “I want my deliveries placed on the bottom step not close to my front door, as delivery people are sources of infection.”
• “Get a proper mask or stand further away from me.”

Demands and accusations.

• “I don’t care what the store manager says, you don’t have the right not to wear mask and serve the public.  Fact is, you’re breathing on my food as you’re ringing it up!”   
• “You have no right to open your restaurant, as someone is bound to get sick with the virus.” 
• “I don’t wear a mask, and you’re nutty to be pushing all this fear.”

Blurt-outs 

• “You’re crazy going to a restaurant and risking infection.  Do you really think that is wise?”  
• “Isn’t it now a bit of over-reaction to stick to quarantine rules and refuse to go out until there is a vaccine?”
• “You can’t make me come to work until you prove that I am safe.”

There is no better time than now to ask Etiquette to come to our rescue!  After all, you should be able to state what you believe is best for you or a family member in your charge, directly and respectfully.  

Asking directly, clearly and kindly for what you need is etiquette-ful.

• “John, you’re a little close for me.  Let’s stand further apart.”
• “Family, I want to develop a TV use schedule, as I need one half hour for myself for some exercise video time.”
• “I hear your apology for standing too close.  I will stand back a little and help out, too.”
• “Ginny, I’m so grateful you can babysit for me again.  I hope you don’t mind my asking, for your reassurance that there be frequent hand-washing.”
• “Hey guys, if we’re going to get together, just know my boundaries include social distancing—with love, of course!” 
• “I know you and friends don’t wear masks, but I know you will honor my request that when we’re together, we all do.”

Civility Self-checks

“Etiquette can be at the same time a means of approaching people and of staying clear of them.”

~ David Riesman

Is the issue at hand a matter of “live and let live?”
Whether vendors are wearing face masks is not a confrontational issue.  Instead of arguing with those who aren’t wearing face masks, simply choose to shop elsewhere.

Ask yourself, “Am I being ‘recognizably respectful’ to others?” 
For example: Assume you are sheltering at home, and your washing machine has gone out.  You notify the company of your health safety expectations, instructing that anyone who enters your home must wear a mask, put on fresh gloves in front of you, and wear the shoe covers that you’re providing.  Acknowledge you are adding burden and that you appreciate their care and concern for your health.  Your gratitude might extend to a hand-written note.

Am I being cool, calm, and collected?
If you sense that emotion is involved, take a pause and think through what you want to convey.  Active listening and an encouraging statement may be just the right thing to do.

The person with whom you are speaking may have a completely different perspective and mindset on what the situation at hand is.  That person may be in the same position as you, trying to figure out how to ask for something regarding her own health and safety or needing to be respected for a different view on what’s being called for.

For all of us, things can seem a bit too much.  It may be helpful to remember that though our current generation has not dealt with a pandemic, humans have dealt with them before.  Then, as now, everyone did the best they could to get through it.  The most important thing is, they got through it.  And we will, too.

                                           

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners for Young Children

On Politeness of Young Children – “Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children should be taught that it is rude...

• To yawn without trying to suppress it, or without concealing the mouth with the hand 
• To whistle or hum in the presence of older persons
• To make any monotonous noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc... 
• To play with napkin rings, or any article at table during meal time 
• To pick the teeth with the fingers
• To trim or clean one’s nails outside one’s room 
• To lounge anywhere in the presence of company
• To place the elbows on the table, or to lean upon it while eating
• To speak of absent persons by their first names, when they would not so address them if they were present
• To acquire the habit of saying “you know,” “says he,” “says she” 
• To use slang words
• To tattle
• To hide the mouth with the hand when speaking 
• To point at anyone or anything with the finger
• To stare at persons
• To laugh at one’s own stories or remarks
• To toss articles instead of handing them
• To leave the table with food in the mouth 
• To take possession of a seat that belongs to another without instantly rising upon his return
• To leave anyone without saying “good-by” 
• To interrupt any one in conversation; 
• To push or shove others
• To ridicule others
• To pass, without speaking, any one whom they know

From Practical Etiquette by N.C., circa 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Betty Bradeen on American Manners

“We are apt to overlook small points. We are not courteous to the aged, we are not respectful to our elders. We are not very strong on table manners, since toothpicks are still displayed in conspicuous places. We do not respect the rights of others or the opinions of those better informed than ourselves.” –Betty Bradeen 

Betty Bradeem’s Daily Chat

I am afraid that we are allowing the fine points of etiquette to slip away from our daily life. We are not careful about keeping appointments and redeeming promises, about acknowledging favors and gifts and answering letters. It is downright impertinent to accept an invitation to dinner or luncheon and fail to put in an appearance or send an excuse. The hostess has spent time, money and thought in preparation and her disappointment is keen. When annoyance at thoughtlessness is added, she is quite justified in quietly cutting out that particular guest from her visiting list. A promise should be a sacred thing and only made after due reflection. Then nothing short of a calamity should stand in the way of its fulfillment. 

If social ostracism was the fate of promise-breakers there would be fewer offenders and less discomfort in the world. Harsh remedies are sometimes needed to waken us to a sense of our responsibilities, and I know of nothing more humiliating to a woman than being left out in the reckoning of desirable persons. Few of us show a sufficient appreciation of favors. When we have been entertained through the generosity of woman or man, the least we can do in return is to express our pleasure—the warmer the terms the better. I know from experience, that a few written words or a telephone message the day after an entertainment compensates one for a deal of weariness. I know that a prompt letter of acceptance repays one twice over for the trouble spent in choosing a gift. 

It is always hard to console grief, but it is a duty we owe everybody with whom we associate. Duty is not a pleasant word, but it plays a large part in life, and we should not try to evade it. In a broad sense we are a fairly decent nation in the matter of politeness, but we are apt to overlook small points. We are not courteous to the aged, we are not respectful to our elders. We are not very strong on table manners, since toothpicks are still displayed in conspicuous places. We do not respect the rights of others or the opinions of those better informed than ourselves. Listening is almost a lost art because we all want to talk and are so busy thinking of the things we want to talk about as to make us oblivious of the speech of others. It would almost seem, from this list of shortcomings, that we can have little or no politeness to fall back upon, yet we manage to pass muster in these days. 

Of course, the truly delightful people are those who are polite in small matters, for the little things of life are those which bring us pleasure or pain. Among the guests at a recent house party was a man of middle-age who was established as a favorite in half an hour after his arrival. He was an army officer who had not forgotten his training, and his manners were a delight to men and women. He excelled in small points which other men overlook and there was his charm. Even a multi-millionaire could not have a chance against such a rival for popularity. –Betty Bradeen, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Travel

Learn the culture, what's acceptable and unacceptable. For example, "almost half of all Japanese hotels ban tourists with tattoos from public bathing areas due to tattoos being common among yakuza crime organizations, although these bans are being reconsidered by Japan’s tourism agencies in an effort to boost tourism. However, they’re not the only country with tattoo bans. Thailand and Sri Lanka are cracking down on tourists getting Buddha tattoos while visiting due to cultural insensitivity." — From TravelAgeWest.com 

Choose the Right Destination 

Make informed choices when picking destinations. Learning about a country or area before you go, will help you decide whether it's the right destination for you. It will hopefully prevent unpleasant surprises, too. What will the weather be like? What foods are commonly available? Unexpected extreme poverty, political policies, and even hygiene practices of the locals, can leave some travelers shocked, baffled or stunned. 

Do Some Homework

Travel isn't just about the sites, but the people, too. Aside from the usual guidebooks, government websites are good places to start researching a country's people or destination, and hundreds of foreign news sites can be found at online. Not surprisingly, personal blogs and vlogs from expats, can give you a really unique window into your chosen destination.

Respect Local Customs 

Study up on what's appropriate in terms of behavior and clothing. Visiting holy sites without wearing the proper attire and exhibiting appropriate behavior, can be extremely difficult. Knowledge of local customs will make you more at ease. It's also much less disruptive to the locals. 

Queue jumping is acceptable in some countries and unacceptable in others. A little research on your part, can go a long way in easing the frustrations of waiting in line.

Respect the environment around you, as more often than not, resources are scarce in developing countries, and may not be what you are expecting. Don't exhaust local supplies by overusing water or leaving excessive amounts of garbage in your wake. Locals will only be annoyed by what will be perceived as selfish behavior on your part.

Always bargain politely. Haggling over prices is seen as a fun type of "sport" in many foreign marketplaces and shops. It is even expected in others. Don't take your dickering too far though. In developing nations, a dollar or two will usually mean far more to the seller, than it ever will to you. 

Tipping can be expected in some places, while seen as an insult in other locales. Check beforehand to find out whether tipping is desired or expected. If tipping is required or encouraged, ask a guide for the typical amounts to give.

Watch Your Hand Gestures 

As insignificant as they may seem, one needs to use caution when gesturing with hands. When it comes to body language, err on the side of caution. Avoid gesturing with your hands and even pointing, if you're not sure what you are silently conveying. 

Represent 

Remember, you are representing the country that you are from. Don't spoil a place for other visitors and tourists from your home country, by exhibiting any ignorance of acceptable behavior when abroad.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia