Unset Tables Equal Lower Standards

This restaurant above, in business for 60 years or more, still offers delicious food, excellent service and properly set tables!
This restaurant below, does not offer set tables…

What has the dining world come to when one arrives to what is advertised as a very nice restaurant, only to find no place settings, but utensils wrapped up in a napkin and set on the table next to menus? It used to be when I went into a nice restaurant, the table was already laid for me. I don’t mind taking the utensils out and setting the table for the restaurant, as this certainly keeps me in business. But how will children ever grow up knowing what a properly set table looks like, when they never see one while out to dine with their parents? – Above, a booth at a local restaurant which showed set tables on their website. I was, again, disappointed! 

Due to a very busy summer calendar teaching etiquette, I spent a lot of time in restaurants over the past 3 months feeling disappointed. I had some wonderful clients across the board, children and adults alike. I faced numerous challenges when teaching, which is always the case when dealing with people from so many walks of life. I truly enjoyed everyone I met this past summer. None of my clients were the reason for my disappointment. It was the restaurants that let me down. 

Normally, I’d be more likely to be critiquing the foods I had been served much more than the decor. The last year, however, has been exasperating! Judging by the current state of things, it seems that I will be setting my own tables in most all restaurants for the near future. I’m just hoping it’s not also for many years to come. 

Is this lazy? Why yes, it is. But it’s in the name of the restaurant, so you’ve been given fair warning. 

How did we get here? Is it laziness? Is it the fact that the restaurant business seems fairly slow these days and “the restaurants are afraid to set tables,” as one of my clients recently suggested? 

I realize that empty tables at lunch or dinner time don’t necessarily need to be set, as the restaurants’ staffs will just need to remove the utensils and wash them all again before the next day, if the restaurant doesn’t have a full crowd show up. That’s a possibility, I suppose. 

But wouldn’t it make matters worse if what were once considered very nice restaurants, are now considered places for “quick eats,” due to the lack of place settings? 

As good as the food may be, or as attractive as decor might be in a restaurant, if the tables aren’t set, but merely stocked with flatware wrapped up in napkins holding “do-it-yourself” sets, I’m reluctant to dine there again… A table like this gives “quick eats” vibes.

It certainly lowers my opinion of a restaurant if I arrive to unset tables. Come to think of it, the only restaurant I dined at which was consistently packed and running a wait list, was the restaurant which still has white table cloths, white cloth napkins and fully set places. Diners who arrived were looking for something special, and their expectations were met! That is why the establishment is consistently busy. It has never lowered its standards.

A favorite restaurant of mine underwent a change that shocked me a year ago. I was used to finding each place setting with not just a placemat, tumbler, a bread plate, napkin, knife, and fork (the most common set of place setting elements for a restaurant) but it offered each diner a smaller knife to use as a butter spreader, or possibly even a salad. There was also the very nice touch of a hammered metal napkin ring in the shape of a butterfly, to go with the restaurant’s name, Mariposa.

Last summer, when I brought my granddaughters there to lunch for my eldest granddaughter’s birthday, the places were no longer actually “set.” Disappointingly, there were new colored placemats, and, instead of colorful napkins to match the theme of the decor, there was what looked like a common dish towel with the utensils rolled up inside.

Gone were the chic looking modern touches previously found at their tables. Even the colorful or stylish menus which had changed every so often over the years, had been replaced with the boring and the bland.

These two photos, above and directly below are from my favorite place to lunch… the Mariposa Restaurant. These photos show place settings. The photos were taken about 3 years apart. 

 

This third photo at Mariposa was from last May…. It came as a real shock! What have things come to when tables in even nicer establishments simply have flatware plopped down in front of the diners, forcing the diners to set the tables themselves?

Until we stop settling for the boring, the bland, and relaxed standards in restaurants, the more tabletop misconceptions, utensil myths, and utensil mysteries are certainly ahead of us.  

Crisp, white tablecloth and white napkins, with place settings for each guest of the table’s party. The signal of fine dining to come!

I did get a reprieve last night when I went to a restaurant I had eaten at so often, 40 years ago. The place was packed. Diners looked happy to be there on a Saturday night. And there in the candlelit dining room were rows of table upon table with crisp, white tablecloths and white napkins, and plate settings set for each guest of a table’s party. Maybe I don’t have to relax my expectations because everyone else is relaxing their standards?  It certainly must be the sign of fine dining to come!

Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura J. Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. A writer, Graber has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows, and was an on-air contributor and correspondent for PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She is working on her 4th book on etiquette and antiques throughout history and was a historical etiquette consultant for Julian Fellowes’ newest period drama, The Gilded Age. Her popular books on antique flatware and etiquette history are available on Amazon

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Table Top Concerns

Party favors wrapped in “Tiffany blue” paper wait upon the seats to be placed at each of these bridal shower settings. Wait to unwrap such a favor until invited to do so by your host or hostess.

Individual Party Favors

Instead of place cards, sometimes small, festively wrapped party favors with a guest’s name on them are placed at each setting. Wait until the host or hostess encourages you to open yours though, as they are usually a special part of a well planned event.

Table Favors

Much like individual party favors, their larger counterparts, table favors, are meant for the entire table to enjoy. Sometimes these table favors are incorporated in to whimsically created centerpieces. It is incredibly rude to disassemble these types of table favors before one’s host or hostess invites or encourages everyone at the table to do so. 

After mingling briefly at a wedding’s pre-reception cocktail hour, my husband and I arrived at our assigned seats only to discover the table’s centerpiece had been thoroughly taken apart and eaten by four drunken guests also seated at my our table. I had to look around at the 30 or so other tables to enjoy all of the time and creativity which had been put into the still intact centerpieces. 

Table Crumbers

After the main course has been served, prior to dessert or fruit, the table may be “crumbed.” If the waiter or server is attempting to clean the table of crumbs, be your most polite and lean back a bit in from the table to allow him/her to do the job. 

It should only take a matter of seconds at each place setting and should not interfere with conversation at the table when allowed to be done in a smooth fashion. Table crumbers come in many types; miniature brooms or brushes with small “dust pans,” long handled and lidded rectangular dishes, and flat “scrapers” with pans or dishes to push the crumbs onto, etc....

Knife Rests

Another addition to some very formal tables are individual knife rests at each place setting. These are placed on the table above the tip of the knife for the diner to rest the tip on so as not to soil the linens or tablecloth. — From The Rsvp Institute of Etiquette “Social Graces Handbook,” 1990

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Tent-Style Place Cards vs Flat

 

Place cards are used for seating arrangements and should never be tampered with if you want to be invited back. Hosts/Hostesses go to a lot of trouble and time to make sure the seating arrangements are proper and that everyone's tastes and feelings are accommodated. Sit where a place card has been set for you (the one with your name on it) and mingle with others you didn't sit with afterward.

Dear Maura:

What is the proper way to include a placecard at a formal table? Where is it placed? Is the name only written on one side of a “tent- style” card, or both sides? — K.E., Ontario

Dear K.E.:

The correct usage of place cards deals solely with the intent of the usage. If you are hosting an affair with people who do not know one another, tent-style cards are a wonderful way of letting one know which place at the table is his. Tent-style cards with a name written on both sides allows others at the table to not have to fumble to remember the names of those sitting nearby them.

Both sides of the card should have the name on them and the card should be placed above the place setting in clear view of other diners.

If your meal is a get-together of friends or family who all know one another, flat place cards can be placed at each setting, on the charger, service plate or place plate to signify where one is to sit. Tent cards can also be used.

And by no means should place-cards ever be removed or rearranged by guests. Protocol and etiquette dictate that certain people be seated at certain places. Hosts and hostesses going to the trouble of following the rules in those situations are to be commended. A guest should never take it upon himself to “improve” the seating arrangement. — By Maura Graber for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Messing with Manners and Military Terminology

Three Paratroopers Messing Around with  a Paper Airplane in 1956, at Fort Bragg, North Carolina

When referencing food and the military, I am frequently asked the same questions by students. “Why does the military give out mess kits?”, and “Why is the place where soldiers eat called a mess hall?” I am a person who needs answers that add up. Inquisitive kids are that way too. 

When I first started looking around for an answer back in the early 1990s, I found a few bits and pieces of information available, but not one source I read actually tied it all together to where it made sense to me. 

From the outset “mess” obviously meant “food” and nothing more. The biblical Essau had a “mess of potage” which is believed to be a portion of lentil soup or beans. While growing up my brothers had G I Joe action figures that came with “mess kits” and watching the “Beverly Hillbillies” on television I heard the term “mess a’vittles” frequently used. While listening to former Presidential aide Dee Dee Meyers talking on late night t.v. she referred to her “mess bill” for something she had eaten on Air Force One. It was starting to drive me a bit nuts. If “mess” historically had meant food, how, why and when did it become the definitive term for a state of confusion and disorderliness? 

It took me much sleuthing, but I finally found a very old book on word origins and voila… there was an answer that made sense. The change in the general public’s definition of the word apparently was in the 1590s, when a party game called “Muss” spread across Europe. Muss was a game in which trinkets were tossed around a room and the party guests would scramble to retrieve them (anyone for some 52 pickup?)   As popularity of the game spread throughout Europe, with its various languages, the name of the game somehow was changed to “Mess”.   The Bible, military handbooks, and all other writings had naturally been left with the original meaning of the word intact. But from that point on, “muss” has rarely been used as a common term for something in a state of disarray, other than regionally in a few parts of the world. 

Many southern states here in the U.S. are one such regional area.   The term "muss" is still used in the south, while I rarely hear it here in Southern California.  The eyes of an octogenarian attending one of my seminars became misty as he recounted how his grandmother in Alabama would scold him for wearing his hat in her home. “I would say that my hair was a mess underneath my hat. She would then correct me by saying, ‘Your hair is mussed. It is not a mess!” 

Now I always try to remember that my daughter’s room is not a mess.  Her room is simply mussed up. It sounds better and somehow makes me feel a bit better about it. 

From Site Editor, Maura Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette

Etiquette for a Variety of Foods

Corn on the Cob

An 1833 patent design for a corn scraper, or corn stripper, for corn on the cob

This is only for informal eating and, unless one's teeth will not permit, is best eaten on the cob, with the fingers of each hand firmly in control on each end. A long ear may be broken in half, but only a row or so at a time is buttered and seasoned, never the whole ear at once. Salt already mixed with butter, pepper, and perhaps paprika and shaped in little pats or balls may be provided by the considerate hostess, but a mixture of salt, butter, and pepper may be made, unnoticeably, on the side of one's plate, then smeared a little at a time on the corn as you are eating it. If the corn is to be cut off the cob, the cob is held on one end with the left hand and the kernels cut off a few rows at a time with the dinner knife (which had better be sharp for the purpose). The kernels are then seasoned and eaten a forkful at a time, as one eats peas. There are small silver spears for holding corn, but if they are provided you are quite free to ignore them for the more trustworthy fingers-directly-on-corn technique.

Fish
    

Small sardines were popular as tinned items in the Victorian Era. Many silver items were made for serving them.

Small fish, fried, are usually served whole (though cleaned) with head and tail (smelt, sunfish, butterfish, etc.). The head is cut off first, then the fish is held in place with the fork and slit with the tip of the knife from head to tail and laid flat. The tip of the knife is then inserted under an end of the backbone, which with the help of the fork in a serving motion is gently lifted out, bringing with it many of the tiny bones in the fish. This skeletal material is laid on the side of the plate or possibly on the butter plate. The balance of the fish is then cut with the fork, or with the knife, if need be, for manageable portions. Any tiny bones still in the fish when it gets into the mouth, after being thoroughly cleaned in the mouth, are taken in thumb and forefinger, and are laid on the edge of the plate or on the butter plate if there is one. There is no objection to anyone hardy enough eating the head, and very tiny fish, such as whitebait (too small to clean), are eaten head and all in one bite. Never one for enjoying the sight of a fish-eye on my plate or in my chowder, I prefer to have even boiled fish (cod, haddock, salmon) come to the table with the head removed, but it is quite proper to serve it whole, with a lemon filling the gaping maw.

Pickles and Radishes
 

An antique relish fork makes a perfect server for pickled cucumber slices.

Whole pickles are taken with the fingers, as are radishes. These are never conveyed from the serving plate directly to the mouth (nor is anything else where a serving plate is provided) but are laid on the side of the dinner or lunch plate or butter plate. (And see "Salt.")
 

Potatoes

Potato Serving Forks

Baked-

These should be rubbed with fat before baking and be presented immediately on coming from the oven, a cross having been cut neatly on the top to allow the escape of steam and to permit the pre-service insertion of a lump of butter, plus a sprinkling of salt and paprika. Then it is simple to hold the potato with the left hand while one explores its innards with the fork. But if a baked potato is presented whole it is taken from the dish with serving fork and spoon, then broken apart with the fingers for buttering and seasoning. It is then eaten with a fork, and if one wishes the skin may be cut up with a knife and eaten (never cutting it up in pieces all at once, any more than one would meat). If the skin is unwanted, the mealy part of the potato is eaten right from the skin with each portion seasoned just before entering the mouth. Except for a child, do not scoop out all the potato, set the skin aside and mash the contents all at once with butter and seasoning.
 

Chips- 

Originally called “Saratoga Chips,” potato chips had a special scoop or server, designed especially to serve them.

Are eaten with the fingers.

French Fried-
  

British fish and chip shoppe wooden “chip forks” for fries, with one done in silver.

Eaten with the fork after being halved with the fork, if necessary. It's poor manners to hold a piece of food with the fork and nibble off a manageable mouthful.

Shoe String- 

If really dry and impossible to eat with fork, may be eaten with the fingers.

Salad    

Victorian lettuce serving forks

A quarter of iceberg lettuce may be eaten with knife and fork, though gourmets and nutritionists both frown on the cutting of lettuce in salad preparation. Lettuce for mixed salad should be broken in bits and mixed at the last minute to preserve the vitamin content.
 

Salt- 

Early Victorian salt cellar, long salt spoon and pepper shaker

 If there is only one saltcellar on the table (as there is when a condiment set is used or when there is a master salt), the salt is always sent down the table to the honored guest, if there is one, or to the hostess before making the rounds of the family. If salt is needed for dipping radishes or celery or for corn on the cob it is placed on the edge of the plate, never on the table cloth. If open salts are used and no salt spoon provided, use a clean knife to take salt from a common container. If individual open salts are at each place, salt may be taken between thumb and forefinger.

All photos courtesy of Maura Graber of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette and much of the text is from “Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Eating Fruits Properly

Apples and Pears - 

Informally eaten in the hand, but at table they are taken onto the fruit plate and spirally peeled, or quartered with a knife, then peeled. The sections are then cored and eaten with the fingers or with the fruit fork. Lady apples, tiny as crab apples, are eaten in the fingers like plums.
    

Life is just a bowl of ... kumquats? Cherry forks are ideal for eating kumquats.

Apricots, Cherries, Kumquats, Plums -

 Apricots, cherries, plums are eaten in one or two bites, and the stones, cleaned in the mouth, are dropped into the cupped hand and placed on the side of the plate. Kumquats are bitten into or eaten whole depending on size.

Halved Avocados - 

In their shells these are eaten with a spoon, scooped out and taken spoonful by spoonful, with the dressing (perhaps lime juice and powdered sugar, or a little lake of French dressing) provided. Halved or quartered avocados in salads or on fruit platters are eaten with the fork after being broken into manageable bites.

             

Fried banana servers are rare in the world of silver flatware collecting.

Bananas - 

Very informally (at picnics and by small children) bananas are peeled down with the end of the skin as a protective holder. When eaten at table from a fruit dish they are peeled, then broken as needed into small pieces and conveyed to the mouth with the fingers.

Berry servers and berry forks shown with berries and strawberries.  Strawberries are not actually berries, but bananas and zucchini are botanically designated in the berry plant family.

Berries - 

Eaten with a spoon. Large strawberries are sometimes served whole with their stems on. These are grasped by the stem and dipped in
powdered sugar on the plate, then eaten in one or two bites, with the stem remaining in the fingers.

Grapes - 

Cut a bunch or section of bunch from bunches in bowl with knife or scissors (never absent-mindedly pull off grapes from centerpiece or arrangement of fruit) . Eat one grape at a time, after placing bunch on serving plate. Grape skins, if you can't eat them, should be cleaned in the mouth but not chewed, then removed in the cupped hand with the pits and placed on the side of the plate. Or, holding the grape with the stem end to the lips, pop the inside into the mouth and lay skin on side of plate if they will pop.

Once refrigerated railroad cars were in use, pointed spoons, originally designed for oranges, had serrated edges added to them, which made them ideal for grapefruit.

Grapefruit -  

Eaten, halved, with a pointed fruit spoon. Sections should be loosened with grapefruit knife before serving. Do not squeeze out juice at table, except en famille if the family can stand it.      

A selection of mango forks from Holland and Ecuador.

Mangoes - 

Wits say the only place to eat them is in the bathtub. But they may be used in a fruit bowl and eaten at table, even though the best way to serve them is peeled, quartered, pitted, and chilled. A whole ripe (spotted) mango should be cut in half with a sharp fruit knife, then quartered. Then, with the quarter turned skin up and held in place with a fork, the skin should be carefully pulled away rather than peeled from the fruit. The juicy sections are then cut in one-bite morsels. Finger bowls or at least paper napkins are necessary, as this fruit stains badly.
     

An ornate, Gilded Age, gilded orange spoon. The vermeil finish on the bowl of this spoon, protected the silver from the citric acid.

Oranges -

Peeled with a sharp knife in one continuous spiral (if you're adept), then pulled apart into segments and, if the segments are small, eaten segment by whole segment. If segments are large they are cut in half cross-wise with the fruit knife and eaten with fingers or fruit fork. Navel oranges are sometimes more easily eaten if the skin is quartered, then pulled down toward the navel and pulled off. The navel is then cut off and the orange segmented or cut in slices and eaten with the fork. At breakfast, oranges may be served halved like grapefruit, with the segments loosened, and are eaten with a fruit spoon.

Most gentlemen carried a personalized fruit knife with them, to cut and quarter not only their own fruits, but those of ladies whom they may have been picnicking with.

 Peaches-

Halve, then quarter with fruit knife. Then lifting the skin of each quarter at an edge, pull it off. Eat sections in small pieces with fork, preferably, as peach juice stains table linen.
    

Many fruits, sadly, were "Rodney Dangerfields"... they got no respect and no special utensils designed for them. Persimmons, papayas, kiwis, watermelon, peaches, cantaloupes, apples and pears are some of those "Rodney Dangerfields." And though the pineapple never had its own silver flatware, it did grace centerpieces at many tables in the New England states, as well as in England, and has become a symbol of hospitality.

Persimmons- 

Often served as a first course with the top cut off well below the stem and the base cut flat so the fruit stands firmly on the plate. Grasping the persimmon with the left thumb and index finger, scoop out and eat a spoonful at a time, keeping the shell intact. Avoid the skin which, unless dead ripe, is puckery. The large pits are cleaned in the mouth, dropped into the spoon, and then deposited on the side of the plate. Persimmons in salad are peeled and quartered too difficult a procedure to attempt at table, and persimmons in a fruit arrangement firm enough to be decorative are likely to be all but inedible anyway. They should be dead ripe and slightly spotted.

Pineapple-
 

Eaten with a spoon if served cut-up for dessert. If served on flat plates in quarters or eighths, peeled pineapple is eaten with a fork, after being cut with fruit knife.

Stewed or Preserved Fruit- 

The pits or bits of core of cherries, prunes, plums, apples, etc., eaten in compote form with a spoon are dropped into the spoon, then deposited on the side of the plate.

Citrus peelers were popular items for the Victorian and Edwardian Era table.

Tangerines-

Stripped of their skins, segmented, and eaten in the fingers without cutting or breaking the segments.

Watermelon- 

If served cubed and chilled (often in white wine), eaten from a compote with a fruit spoon. Otherwise eaten with the fork. If seeds are present, the fruit is taken seeds and all into the mouth, then the seeds are cleaned in the mouth, dropped into the cupped hand, and placed on the side of the plate, entirely dry.

Etiquette instructions from Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette.  

Photos of fruits and utensils courtesy of Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia Site Editor, Maura J. Graber 

The 8 Ps and Qs of BYOB Etiquette

It’s up to the patrons to reciprocate that courtesy by following some basic manners when participating in the BYOB practice.

    Have you carefully stored a special bottle of wine for an anniversary or birthday? And are you planning on popping its cork at your favorite dining spot? If you are, please do the restaurant a favor by minding your Ps and Qs while you BYOB.
    
    Most diners, myself among them, feel that the customer is usually right. If I want to eat my dessert first and appetizer last, that’s my business. The restaurant’s business is to serve me what I order, in any order I wish. But when it comes to bringing in a bottle of wine or champagne, the restaurant gets to call the shots as they are under no obligation to do so, and the laws vary wildly from place to place. 

    Generally, the restaurants in states, counties, provinces, or countries where it is legal, will usually allow their patrons to bring their own wine into a restaurant as a courtesy. And it’s up to the patrons to reciprocate that courtesy by following some basic manners when participating in the BYOB practice. The following is a list of etiquette to keep in mind: 

1. Call ahead of time to check with the manager regarding bringing your own bottle, or check online. Some restaurants may not allow BYOB, or may not have a license to serve alcohol of any kind, or may not have a permit to sell their own, but can serve you yours. This gets very tricky, so if you are traveling, always check ahead of time.
2. Don’t cause a scene or make a fuss if the restaurant doesn’t allow you to bring your own wine, even if their local ordinances allow the practice. Different insurance companies will advise establishments of possible liabilities and restaurants will take these in to consideration when making policies regarding alcohol, so if you’ve made a reservation and would like to go back to this particular restaurant, keep the reservation.
3. Ask  about any corkage fees so that there are no surprises when you are handed the bill. Fees in upscale restaurants can go as high as $25.00 or more, per bottle, and will vary from restaurant to restaurant. Some restaurants charge nothing at all. Fees can sometimes change with the time of day and with the day of the week with slower and less busy hours offering the best rates. Ask when you call ahead, to find out if this is a policy that they practice. 
4. Ask if the particular bottle of wine you would like to bring is already on the restaurant’s wine list. If it is something the establishment normally offers, then don't bring it or choose another wine to bring. It would be extremely gauche to bring something they offer just as it would be to bring your own burger to Mc Donald’s to enjoy, along with their fries and a shake. 

   

   BYOB if your wine is somehow unique. Don't BYOB just to pinch pennies.

5. Don’t BYOB simply to save money. BYOB because because you have a special bottle that you’ve always wanted to open, or maybe you have a bottle from your birth year and it you are celebrating your birthday, or you have a bottle that’s more interesting than anything the restaurant offers. BYOB if your wine is somehow unique. If you think the restaurant charges excessive markups on wine, skip that restaurant. 
6. Tip well, especially if you have made special requests regarding your bottle/s. This might include asking the staff to have the bottle uncorked prior to your arrival to allow time for your Cabernet to breathe, or keeping your White Burgundy chilled to a specific temperature an hour before serving.
7. Don’t be snobbish if the restaurant’s Cellar Master, Sommelier or Wine Steward wants to chat with you about your wine. If you thought it was special enough to bring in to drink, it will probably arouse curiosity or possibly be a conversation starter. The most gracious of patrons will offer him, or her, a taste.
8. This shouldn't need to be said, but I have to repeat it often: Please follow all basic dining etiquette while you dine out, especially if you have made special requests of an establishment. It is simply good manners!

Compiled by contributor Maura Graber, who has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for 30 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is also the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Regrets and the RSVP

This will sound strange, I am certain, but I would like to invite you to  a large party with some very important people. There will be fabulous food and scintillating conversation. Will you be able to attend?"

Imagine you are standing face to face with a friend, coworker, neighbor, relative, in-law, whomever... You invite your him or her to your _____________ (birthday party, wedding, anniversary party, all expense paid vacation to some delightful destination... you fill in the blank). This person can hear you.  This person is not blind, nor mute. However, this person stands speechless there in front of you. In fact, there is no discernible response on his or her face. It gets uncomfortable. 

“Look, Violet, this is getting a bit weird. Whatever our differences, I know you will enjoy this party! It is important to me that you join the family there.”

You restate the invitation, adding, "I really need to know if you can come, as there is ___________________ (a lot of planning involved, a lot of expense involved, a limited guest list, a short amount of time to get your passport and visa in order... you fill in the blank). This person still does not respond. You walk away confused, hurt, angry or ____________ (you fill in the blank). This is exactly what happens when people do not respond to written invitations!

“You haven't had a stroke or something, have you?! I just saw you blink. Will you attend the party, or not?”

When I train new etiquette instructors, I encourage them to somehow incorporate their biggest etiquette pet peeve into their new business' names. My reasoning? It will be a constant reminder of why they embarked on their new careers and it is a great conversation starter. I learned both of these things when I started The R.S.V.P. Institute of Etiquette in 1990. I had always assumed that people were lazy by not responding to RSVP requests, or simply rude by responding that they'd be coming and then not showing up, or vice versa. As it turned out, I found the majority of people are ignorant to the actual meaning of an RSVP request. After starting my business, I became used to queries like, "I can never remember what RSVP means... Am I supposed to call if I'm not going? Or if I am going?" Even cashiers who took business checks from me would often ask (and some still do) similar questions. 

Then there was the mother of twins who invited my daughter to their birthday party. The mother repeatedly asked, "Is there a problem?" each of the 3 times I stated that I was RSVP'ing to the invitation. It was like playing a bizarre round of, "Who's on first?" I finally said, "On the party invitation there is a preprinted 'R.S.V.P.' and you wrote your phone number next to it. Right?" her baffled response, "Yes. Isn't that where my phone number is supposed to go?" Or the times my siblings and I hosted 75th birthday parties for our parents. For both occasions, invitees had 3 ways to respond to them; reply to me at my rsvpinstitute email account, mail the response card (already stamped and addressed to me at The RSVP Institute of Etiquette), or call me at 800-891-RSVP. Yet I still frustratingly had to call several people to ask, "Will you be joining us?"

So with that in mind, here are some wise words and advice from other etiquette enthusiasts on responding to invitations:

     

“When we receive a written invitation, we must answer immediately whether we accept or not, although silence may be considered equivalent to an acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a plausible reason of our declining, and do it with politeness. When the invitation is verbal, we must avoid being urged; for nothing is more foolish and disobliging; we ought either to accept or refuse in a frank and friendly manner, offering some reasonable motive for declining, to which we should not again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when we are requested to dine with someone whom we have seen only at the house of a third person, or when we are invited on a visit or other similar occasion. In the former case, if we accept, we should first leave a card in order to open the acquaintance. Having once accepted, we cannot break our engagement, unless for a most urgent cause.” From Elisabeth Celnart's “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes” 1833

“A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should reply to it immediately, whether he accepts or declines it.”  From Cecil B. Hartley's “The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness / Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all / his Relations Towards Society” 1860 

“The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, should be sent immediately, and are always addressed to the lady. If, after you have accepted an invitation, anything occurs to render it impossible for you to go, the lady should be informed of it immediately. It is a great breach of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when we have promised.” From Arthur Martine's "Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness” 1866 

"Balls, evening parties, soirees, receptions, or whatever else they may be called, are entirely arranged and controlled by Fashion and her administrators. The hired master of ceremonies, the upholsterer, the florist, the pastry-cook and confectioner, are, in fact, the dispensers of modern hospitality, if we may be permitted the sacrilegious use of that sacred word in such a connection. 

The ordinary evening parties or balls of our large cities are so much alike, that a dame whisked off, in the old mysterious way of the fairy-books, from one to the other, and set down within the arms of a fresh cavalier, would hardly be conscious of a change even in the pair of mustaches by which her cheek is titillated in the waltz. 

Cards are generally issued from ten days to four weeks before the ball or dancing-party to the various persons on the fashionable list, supplied by a Brown or some other hired undertaker of public ceremonials. This is the usual form of invitation, engraved upon a card or written upon note-paper:"Mrs. A. [or B.] requests the honor [or pleasure] of Mr.T's company on the evening of _____ , at half past eight o'clock. R.S.V.P." 

The hour is more frequently left unmentioned; and, even when specified, the guest is not expected to be punctual. None but the most intimate friends think of going to a formal and fashionable party, where there is to be dancing, before half past nine or ten o'clock, and an invited person may enter with propriety at any hour, however late, during the night. 

Whether an answer's requested or not by the letters R.S.V.P. (repondez, sil vous plait—" answer, if you please"), it must be sent in a day or two, and written in the same formal style as the invitation, the acceptance of which may be thus expressed: "Mr. T. accepts with pleasure the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of _______ ." 

A refusal should be written as follows: "Mr. T. regrets that he can not accept the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of ________."When an invitation is accepted, it must be, if possible, faithfully complied with. It is not seldom that an invited person takes an uninvited friend to a ball or evening dancing-party, but he ought not to do so without first asking permission of the giver of it. As he is not likely to be refused, he must hold himself entirely responsible for the character and conduct of his companion, who, previous to and after the party, should send a card.  From "Bazar Book of Decorum" 1870              

Well-bred people do not use R.S.V.P. on dinner invitations. Your guests will have sufficient politeness to reply without having their attention abruptly called to it." From "Mrs. Rorer's New Cook Book" 1898

“As to the use of "R.S.V.P.," or any of the phrases now preferred by many, as, "Please reply;" "The favor of an answer is requested," etc., this may be said: some authorities claim that all invitations should be answered; and that therefore these requests for a reply are a reflection on the good manners of the people invited. But such is not the popular understanding. All invitations that are plainly limited to a certain number of guests, as dinners, card parties, and certain exclusive receptions, should be answered at once, in order that vacancies may be filled. Whether the invitation is accompanied with the request for a reply or not, all thoughtful people will recognize the propriety. But on many occasions where numbers are not necessarily limited, only the hostess can say whether the reply is urgent or not; since it is a question of her personal convenience, the limits of house-room, or some other individual matter. As no one class of entertainments is given always under the same conditions, it is well to allow the hostess to choose whether she will add or omit the request for a reply to her invitations. Meanwhile, the punctilious may reply to every invitation of a strictly social character, and even if the host or hostess did not expect it, such reply can give no offense; whereas, the neglect of a necessary reply might prove very awkward and annoying.”  From Agnes H. Morton's “Etiquette” 1919

Formal Acceptance Or Regret Acceptances or regrets are always written. An engraved form to be filled in is vulgar—nothing could be in worse taste than to flaunt your popularity by announcing that it is impossible to answer your numerous invitations without the time-saving device of a printed blank. If you have a dozen or more invitations a day, if you have a hundred, hire a staff of secretaries if need be, but answer "by hand." From  Emily Post's “Etiquette” 1922

Judith Martin, aka "Miss Manners"

Issuing and Honoring Invitations

"Reply early and win a prize!" this exhortation was reported to Miss Manners by a gentleman of her acquaintance who found it not on the back of a cereal box, but on an otherwise conventionally engraved and worded wedding invitation from respectable friends. Oh. A new social form. A new version of "The favour of a reply is requested" or "Répondez s'il vous plaît" No doubt, it will soon catch on and be abbreviated as "R.e.w.p."

A width of smelling salts soon restored Miss Manners, and she was kindly helped up from the floor and into a chair. When she was feeling quite herself again, she reflected that such is the logical outcome of a situation she has long been following with dismay.

Traditionally, social invitations contained no instructions whatsoever about replying. Common sense and common decency so obviously required allowing party givers to know who would attend that it would have been insulting to point this out. How much humanity does it require to recognize the callousness of friends' ignoring your hospitable overtures? However, it is gotten harder and harder to insult people assuming that they have no manners or consideration, and so the "R.s.v.p." was born -- the discrete reminder in the corner of the invitation yes, we really do care this time.

This conceded that it was not worth the effort to get replies for certain types of parties, and so hosts would concentrate their forces on the important ones. The trade-off was a willingness to pay for wasted cocktail party hors d'oeuvres if they could get a head count for expensive dinners. It wasn't successful, and even more coercion was attempted. The horrible preprinted "R.s.v.p." card, already stamped, was included so that the guest wouldn't be taxed with the job of writing. Telephone numbers were supplied. Then there was "Regrets only," an oddity that puts the host in the amusing position of assuming that everyone who refuses regrets having to do so.

None of these ploys works, as Miss Manners is constantly hearing from desperate hosts. All she can advise them to do is telephone the people they invited and politely state, "We do hope we'll have the pleasure of seeing you next Saturday". Miss Manners' confidence that this would produce shame, or at least results, in the delinquent guests seems to have been unfounded. People who have tried it report that the supposedly cornered guests reply airily, "Well, we'll try to make it."

That bribery is now being attempted in order to force people to answer wedding invitations should not be a surprise. Miss Manners is only waiting to hear about lawsuits in which hosts will attempt to recover from prospective guests the expense of providing for those who refuse to indicate whether they will attend. From "Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the Millennium" 1983

Letitia Baldrige
The late Letitia Baldrige once said, ''Entertaining is the most basic part of human communication. It's the way we please each other.'' And when it comes to the RSVPs for entertainments we are invited to, as a society, what we have here is a failure to communicate. 

RSVPs

This is one French expression that just about everyone who has ever gone to a special event knows. In the world of etiquette, it's right up there with 'please' and 'thank you.' 

When An RSVP Is Unnecessary

Formal or informal invitations to cocktail parties or teas don't require an acceptance unless an RSVP is included. For these events, many hostesses may even indicate "regrets only" as a way of keeping a rough head count.
Among close friends, it's fine to call and RSVP to an informal event or holiday gathering. From Kate Spade's "Manners" 2004

"A timely response to an RSVP is vital because the hostess plans the menu around the number of people to serve." From Sue Fox's "Etiquette for Dummies" 2011

Offering timely responses to RSVPs 

The RSVP has always been a request for response, and it still is. An invitation warrants a response, usually by a specific date. When people are planning an event and honor you with an invitation, show the same respect by responding to their invitation. Let people know you received their invitation and either accept it or decline it." From Donna Fisher's "Professional Networking for Dummies" 2011

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. 

      

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia