Etiquette for a “No” Response

When You Have Trouble Accepting “No” for an Answer

“No” comes in many forms throughout your day.  The horn blowing in traffic to let you know you can’t move into the next lane, the cashier who closes his line when you’re ready to check out, the toddler who screams “No!” as you try to put away a toy, the spouse who declines your suggestion of dinner out.

Whenever you think you deserve a “yes,” and know what that looks like, you probably shift into the attitude of, “Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer!”  Or you might become defensive and use “Why not?” as a challenging reply.

We know when we ask a question that the chance of receiving the answer we want is like a roll of the dice.  Why is accepting “no” such a difficult thing to do?

Early Messages

Intellectually, we know that limits and boundaries make it possible for humans to harmoniously exist together socially.  However, “no” can be an emotionally charged word depending on how you learned it as a child.

“No” can represent protection or safety as in, “I’m telling you no for your own good.”  But it can also present the message that you are a bad person, you can’t do anything right, or you are being rejected. 

Think of it this way: if you ever passed notes in school that read, “Do you like me?  Yes or No” and you received multiple notes back with “No” circled, it’s no wonder you have issues with the word as an adult.

Accepting Graciously

Etiquette, at times, asks that you set personal issues aside to do what is right in that moment.  One of these times will be when you are told “No.”

In that moment, you are called upon to accept the answer graciously:

• Make eye contact with the person who is saying no or delivering negative feedback directly.  Keep your eyes and face relaxed.
• Acknowledge with a simple, “Okay,” or an acknowledgment that it’s been said.
• Ask for the reason if you don’t understand.
• Really listen to what’s being said and remember to breathe.  
• If it’s the right time and place to disagree, do so, or wait until later to have further discussion.  

Accepting “no” doesn’t necessarily mean the subject is closed.  If you’ve calmly received negative feedback at work, ask to set up a time when you can learn more about how you can improve.  After good use of the interim time, come prepared with your own ideas for improvement to discuss in the follow-up meeting.

In the case of personal situations when you are told “no,” understand that everyone needs boundaries.  Just as you protect yourself with personal boundaries, others do as well.  The “no” may not be all about you.

Ensuring Your “No” Can Be Accepted

Learning to gracefully and appropriately accept “no” for an answer is an etiquette-ful way to help others be more likely to say “yes” to future requests.

One way to pay it forward and help others accept your “no” is to deliver it respectfully and considerately.  You can do this by saying “yes” in some form before you say “no.”

• If your next-door neighbor asks for help with a garage sale and you really don’t want to take time away from your day off, be appreciative that she asked you.
  “Cecilia, it’s nice of you to think I would be capable of this and thanks for asking.  I’m pounding out my entire set of lesson plans for next week so, unfortunately, I am going to have to decline.” 

• Your boss has given you a second big assignment and you know that there isn’t going to be time to get it done.
  “Mr. Johnson, of course I’m ready to take on the task you’ve given me, and I also have the Porter project deadline to meet.  Which one should be my focus to finish by Friday afternoon?”

• A person you’ve had one date with takes the fun evening as a sign that you’re ready to go out with him again soon, but you really don’t want to go so fast.
  “John, thank you for a very nice time.  I’m flattered that you want to go out again soon, but I’m not ready to go forward so quickly right now.”   

Etiquette is about being sensitive to time, place and circumstances.  The skills we learn as children can be fine-tuned as we gain self-command and grow into the people we are meant to be.

It is necessary to say “no” sometimes.  Keep in mind that how you say it can determine how well it is accepted.  The word “decline” is a softer version of the word “no,” or you might substitute with an appropriate phrase.

But however you choose to say it, you have a right to your own decision.  And, from an etiquette standpoint, you are obligated to accept the decisions of other people.

                                             

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Fortunes Told

“What if you see indications in a palm that the owner of the hand will die or incur some other awful misfortune at an early date?” The lady answered that in such a case she always dissembled, and she led me to understand that it was a, matter of professional etiquette among really conscientious palmists not to make known the truth when it was of such a nature that to impart it might be dangerous.  – Reading palms, tea leaves, cards and consulting one’s planets through astrology, enjoyed great popularity as social pastimes in the last few decades of the 19th century and early decades of the 20th century. These pseudosciences, along with Tarot cards and other forms of divination, were promoted in most etiquette books from the late 1800’s. Sadly, the art of tactfully giving one’s social circle any of one’s terrible predictions of “doom and gloom” seen in the palm, a crystal ball or cards, was never mentioned.

Philosophy of Palmistry - Logic Wasted on Those Who Consult Fortune-Tellers

Last week a poor egotistical creature, who had been employed as a barmaid, drowned herself, chiefly, as would seem from her letters, on account of the sinister predictions which she read in her palm, combined with her ‘‘planets.” No doubt this girl was weak-minded, if not actually insane, but there is a good deal in her case worth thinking about, says a writer in London Truth. Some years ago, when I conducted some researches into palmistry with the assistance of a lady who claimed to be an expert in that craft, I put the question to her: “What if you see indications in a palm that the owner of the hand will die or incur some other awful misfortune at an early date?” The lady answered that in such a case she always dissembled, and she led me to understand that it was a, matter of professional etiquette among really conscientious palmists not to make known the truth when it was of such a nature that to impart it might be dangerous. 

This is all very well but no one can prevent people who dabble in palmistry or astrology or other occult means of reading the future from discovering their own fate for themselves. Those who discover by such means that the outlook for them is very black may not all commit suicide, like the unfortunate barmaid, but such knowledge is bound to have an injurious effect on all but persons of the toughest moral fibre, and persons of the toughest moral fibre, I may remark, are not in the habit of dabbling in the occult sciences. As a rule, fortune-telling in its various shapes, is chiefly denounced as a swindle and a means of obtaining money under false pretenses, but I question whether the moral mischief which may result from efforts to ascertain what the future has in store for us may not be far worse than any trifling financial loss. 

Nothing is more certain than it is to the advantage of mankind on the whole act to know the future. In saying this, I do not lose sight of the fact that it would be a profitable thing to many to know, for instance, who is going to win the next year's Derby, or the price at which any particular stock will stand at the end, of the next account. That knowledge, however, can only be profitable so long as it is in the exclusive possession of one or two individuals. If it were made accessible to all, the knowledge of the future would cease to have any more value than the knowledge of the past. On the other hand, the knowledge of the coming misfortune —if it is so preordained that it can be predicted—can only have a demoralizing effect, and on the whole, life has generally as much of the unpleasant as of the pleasant in store, for the majority of humankind. – San Diego Union News, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia