Gilded Age Children at the Table

Fashion now prescribes such large napkins that they are sometimes denominated small tablecloths, but whether large or small, children should be accustomed to the use of them. It is not necessary to fasten the napkin under the chin, except in small children, the action being too suggestive of a bib, but unfolded and laid in the lap, to be used for wiping the fingers or mouth. – Only babies, and those eating such buttery-fare as lobster in the shell, should be wearing any type of bib-like napkin. – Above, little Josephine models a large, white dinner napkin, clipped around her neck, with a sterling chain and two sterling “bunny” faces. Though not considered terribly fashionable, napkin clips were commonly seen holding napkins up on adults too, in the gilded age.

TABLE ETIQUETTE

How Gilded Age Children Should Be Instructed in the Use of Napkins

A Second Debut Article

There is the prevailing opinion among many people, and especially society people, that a residence in the country is synonymous with awkward manners, lack of politeness and disregard of etiquette generally. We can really think of no reason why this should be the case, and if in some instances it is so, the cause is not to be found in the fact of having lived outside of the region of brick walls and paved streets, but from causes entirely outside of this circumstance. 

Many a person ignorant of the most common forms of politeness and etiquette, may be found among the denizens of the city, who have never seen an ear of corn, held, or dug a potato. It is said of some people and children that is natural to them to be polite, that it seems to he born in them. This is true, only in the sense that no other example being presented, they learn it so easily it appears to be natural. 

A child's mind is a blank, and everything be knows is learned at some time. This is shown sometimes in the case of a spoiled child, who has always been allowed to have his own way and treats others as he pleases. His parents may be cultivated and refined people, but such a child will reach across the table to help himself, will say “give me this,” or snatch an article away from another, or do any of the rude things supposed to be confined to ignorant and uncultivated society. 

The native politeness which one would expect will appear to be entirely wanting. Since, then, politeness is entirely an acquired habit, there can be no reason why it should not be acquired in the country, as well as the city, and we have no doubt but that this is the case. There are probably few houses into which this paper goes where the ordinary forms of politeness are not observed. 

Children are taught to say “thank you,” and “if you please,” and to say “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir,” when spoken to. But there are some forms of what is called etiquette that are sometimes neglected. Among these that of table etiquette is perhaps most important, as a talk of such knowledge occasions great embarrassment to a person when thrown among company who are accustomed to such forms. The use of napkins are sometimes neglected, which is an important omission. 

Fashion now prescribes such large napkins that they are sometimes denominated small tablecloths, but whether large or small, children should be accustomed to the use of them. It is not necessary to fasten the napkin under the chin, except in small children, the action being too suggestive of a bib, but unfolded and laid in the lap, to be used for wiping the fingers or mouth. There are a few persons who do not find occasion for its use, even if they do not take the bones in their fingers as children are apt to do, if left to themselves. Polite society does not allow even chicken bones to be taken in the fingers which were formerly the only exception, but the meat must be removed as far as possible with the knife and fork on the plate. 

It being necessary to first teach children to use the knife with the right hand, it is sometimes a little hard to accustom them to the use of the fork in that hand also, and they may require repeated admonitions. But once learned they will never forget it, and much mortification may be saved in the future for whatever may be thought of the use of the fork, certainly no other method of eating is accepted in polite society. Neglect of these particulars may cause children to ask the reproachful question, “Why did you not teach me these things?” — Western Rural, 1885

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Formal Dinner by Louis Sherry

The formal dinner setting for the first course of Oysters, by famed gilded age restauranteur and hotelier, Louis Sherry.
Oftentimes, hoteliers and restauranteurs get some aspects of the table setting wrong. It could be a matter of personal or establishment preference or possibly wanting to start a trend. — “At the left of the service plate are three forks — prongs up and perfectly aligned. Nearest the plate is the salad fork…”
Note that he has only one glass or goblet at the setting, he placed the napkin on the left and refers to the fork tines as “prongs.” These were unique choices in an age of definitive social rules.

 

THE one occasion of the day, perhaps, when we do not stiffen perceptibly at the idea of formality— when we do not mind a slight tightening of the bonds of acceptedly good procedure. Here the candle-sticks which all through the day have been frowned upon, come into their own-great high ones, for they are with- out shades and must be above the eye level. The question of bread and butter plates is an open one, but they are convenient. I like them and I use them.

The cloth is of white damask over a “felt.” The decorations are flowers, in a flower bowl of silver. Dinner napkins are either folded square and flat and laid on each place plate or they may be loosely folded and placed at the right of the oyster fork. Silver place plates are extremely desirable and are not removed until the soup course has been finished — the oyster and soup plates being placed on top of them.

At the left of the service plate are three forks — prongs up and perfectly aligned. Nearest the plate is the salad fork. Next to this comes the dinner fork, while the fish fork takes its place at the extreme left. At the right and nearest to the plate is the Mirrorstele-blade dinner knife— next the silver fish knife, both with edges turned toward the plate the soup spoon and last the oyster fork.

At a formal dinner no place is left uncovered by a plate at any time. The only dishes placed on the table are the small, decorative silver holders of sweets and nuts. The carving is done in the kitchen. — From “Silverware: The Autocrat of Every Table,” 1926

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the “Napkin Burrito”

 

Gloves, once removed, had to join evening bag, fan, and large damask napkin, all precariously balanced on a slippery, possibly satin-sheathed lap. Emily Post suggested rather daringly (‘this ought not to be put in a book of etiquette, which should say you must do nothing of the kind’) that one might cover all these objects with the napkin placed cornerwise across the knees ‘and tuck the two side corners under like a lap robe, with the gloves and the fan tied in place, as it were.’” Basically, what she described results in a “burrito” of sorts.

“Creating what I call the ‘napkin burrito’...

“Gilded Age fashion for women dictated every little detail. And when it came to dressing for formal, Gilded Age dinners, bare shoulders for women with covered arms, was the reigning style. Very long, elbow-length, buttoned gloves were the fashionable evening choice, even though the gloves would have to be removed prior to eating one morsel of food. 

These long, multi-buttoned, gloves proved quite difficult to remove gracefully for many women. So difficult, that manufacturers designed gloves that could be rolled back upon the top of the hands in a ‘tacky’ effect, leaving the fingers sticking out from below. It gave a gluttonous appearance of someone in such a hurry to dine, that she just couldn’t be bothered to do what other female members of the dinner party had done — unbuttoned the gloves and removed them completely.

According to Margaret Visser in her book with The Rituals of Dinner, ‘The etiquette manuals were never very sure whether they approved of this labour saving device; Emily Post pronounced it ‘hideous.’ Gloves, once removed, had to join evening bag, fan, and large damask napkin, all precariously balanced on a slippery, possibly satin-sheathed lap. Emily Post suggested rather daringly (‘this ought not to be put in a book of etiquette, which should say you must do nothing of the kind’) that one might cover all these objects with the napkin placed cornerwise across the knees ‘and tuck the two side corners under like a lap robe, with the gloves and the fan tied in place, as it were.’ She went further, since one could no longer count on receiving a very large napkin, and promoted the carrying of paper clips, by gentlemen as well as ladies, to hold the napkin in place. All this assumes that a civilized diner would never require any dabbing at the lips with a napkin during dinner.’

“Basically, what she described results in a ‘burrito’ of sorts. – From Maura J. Graber’s book, “What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”, 2021

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Trend for Napkins of 1887

Napkins are now seldom folded into fanciful shapes except at hotels. This fashion requires the manipulation of a damp napkin by hands not always fresh, and is repugnant to dainty and sensitive people. 

The napkin may be laid flat upon the plate with a piece of bread under the corner on which the monogram or initial is embroidered. – The San Diego Daily Bee, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Napkin Usage

The napkin has played famous parts in the fortunes of men and women. It was one of the points admired in Marie Stuart that, thanks to her exquisite breeding in the court of Marie de Medici, her table was more imposing than the full court of her great rival and executioner, Elizabeth. 

How to Use Your Napkin at Dinner

The law of the napkin is but vaguely understood. One of our esteemed metropolitan contemporaries informs an eager inquirer that it is bad form to fold the napkin after dinner; that the proper thing is to throw it with negligent disregard on the table beside the plate, as to fold it would be a reflection on the host, and imply a familiarity that would not befit an invited guest. But the thoughtful reader will agree with us that this studied disorder is likely to be a good deal more trying to a fastidious hostess than an unstudied replacing of the napkin in good order beside the visitor’s plate. 

The proper thing is to fold the fabric with unostentatious care and lay it on the left of the plate far from the liquids, liqueurs, and coffee, and thus testify to the hostess that her care in preparing the table has been appreciated. The truth is, luxury and invention push table appliances so far that few can be expected to know the particular convention that may be considered good form in any diversified society. The way for a young fellow to do is to keep his eye open—which, unless he is in love, he can do—and note what others do. —Philadelphia Press, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia