Etiquette and Control

The Difference Between Controlling a Situation and Etiquette-fully
Being in a Situation

There is a sense of security that comes with feeling in control of a situation.  When your home is neat and clean, you may feel you are in command of your household.  When you know how to introduce yourself to people and aren’t shy about doing so, you may feel you can command a room at any gathering.  And when you are confident in your work, you feel secure in your job.

You’ve probably been in situations when you felt out of control.  As if you were sledding down a hill too fast, you reach the bottom and wonder, “What happened?”  Memories of situations when you felt out of control may not be so pleasant.

However, there are times when you are called upon to control a situation and times when you only need to be in a situation.  Etiquette can help you determine the difference.

Controlling a Situation

Self-command is an admirable quality.  When you have it, you know how to conduct yourself in various environments and situations.  You know appropriate things to say, you respond rather than react, and you maintain a friendly demeanor.

When you are nervous, you may tend to take over a situation rather than let others – who are doing just fine – handle it.  Jumping in when someone is doing something and taking over tends to escalate.  No one enjoys the feeling of being dominated by another person.

Fear is another culprit in feeling the need to be controlling.  We all know the person who wants to make sure a social situation goes well for others.  And so, you see them hovering over a guest with food and drink or lurking around conversations to finish sentences and interject to ensure everyone is laughing.  Sadly, this makes for a clumsy social gathering.

In a professional environment, one may fear that a project or situation won’t go well unless he directly oversees it.  Colleagues find him looking over shoulders, sending endless emails, and repeatedly going over checklists.  Unfortunately, the primary achievement of this behavior is earning a reputation for being a micromanager.

The Reality of Control

The things we can and cannot control are constantly shifting.  There are far too many elements at work in our lives to give us 100% command - other people, nature, and our own moments of carelessness.

However, there are some things you have the ability to control:

• How you prepare
• What you wear and how you present yourself
• What you say and do
• Your attitude
• Your decisions
• Your actions
• What you give attention to
• How you listen
• Your breathing  

We can all wish for more common sense as we gain experience and knowledge in work, relationships, and life.

How to “Be”

Most situations are entered into with a desire to enjoy yourself, add some value, and avoid feeling out of control or embarrassed.  But no situation requires you to dominate. 

If you are not the one called upon to lead, “take the floor,” or direct, then you are only asked to be present – and “etiquette-ful.”

Being etiquette-ful means you are aware that you are in the company of others.  Whatever your role is at the gathering, being kind, helpful, and respectful is bound to add an element of “upbeat” to any situation. 

Sometimes being etiquette-ful is knowing when to be quiet, understanding that all gatherings and situations aren’t going to be happy.  You are doing the best you can, given the givens, and know that others probably are trying to do that, too.

To “be” is to know when, why, and how you may need to control – or not.  Control should only be exercised to improve a situation.  Otherwise, etiquette requires that you only be present.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Self Control

Control of the Impulses — "He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties."

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and tranquility that the French admiringly call "sang froid." He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette – breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner. —Lillian Eichler

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia