Dining Etiquette with Physical Challenges

 

(Above) A pie, pickle or even a “Nelson fork” — Some fork designs were sold for different purposes in different regions of the U.S. and in Europe. Other utensils were modified a bit to suit new foods, as foods that were considered delicacies, fell into and out of, fashion. A “Nelson fork” was a fork adapted for eating with one hand, after British Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson lost his arm while fighting Napoleon at Tenerife.

Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat apposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life’s most difficult adjustments. 

Of course, I didn’t and don’t now know his story. I didn’t have to him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone, in a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the Individual himself can make. Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide it he is going to go right along with it.

 DECISION COMES FIRST 

This decision must come first. And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things. There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap. When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place. 

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE 

He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn’t stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact, I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor. I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don’t believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn’t need either. – Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Showing Courtesy to Wheelchair Users

If conversation lasts more than a few minutes, consider sitting down or kneeling to get yourself on the same level as the wheelchair user. 

The Schoitz Medical Center in Waterloo, lowa, prepared a pamphlet titled, “What do I do when I meet a person in a wheelchair?” It offers suggestions for non-wheelchair users who encounter wheelchair users. Below are the 12 guidelines from that booklet: 

1. Always ask the wheelchair user if he or she would like assistance before you help. Your help may not be needed or wanted. 

2. Don’t hang or lean on a person’s wheelchair because it is part of the wheelchair user’s personal body space. 

3. Speak directly to the person in the wheelchair, not to someone nearby as if the wheelchair user did not exist. 

4. If conversation lasts more than a few minutes, consider sitting down or kneeling to get yourself on the same level as the wheelchair user. 

5. Don’t demean or patronize the wheelchair user by patting him or her on the head. 

6. Give clear directions, including distance, weather conditions and physical obstacles that may hinder the wheelchair user’s travel. 

7. Don’t discourage children from asking questions about the wheelchair. Open communication helps overcome fearful or misleading attitudes.

8. When a wheelchair user “transfers” out of the wheelchair to a chair, toilet, car or bed, do not move the wheelchair out of reaching distance. 

9. It is OK to use expressions like “running along” when speaking to the wheelchair user. It is likely the wheelchair user expresses things the same way. 

10. Be aware of a wheelchair user’s capabilities. Some users can walk with aid and use wheelchairs because they can conserve energy and move about quickly. 

11. Don’t classify persons who use wheelchairs as “sick.” Wheelchairs are used for a variety of non-contagious disabilities. 

12. Don’t assume that using a wheelchair is in itself a tragedy. It is a means of freedom that allows the user to move about independently.      – From the Schoitz Medical Center in Waterloo, lowa, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette and the Blind

All people we meet need to be treated with respect and dignity, regardless of physical challenges they may face. The etiquette changes with each physical challenge, however. The blind can participate in more activities than one may think. Keep that in mind when socializing or doing business with someone who is blind.

Q. My father has just become blind, and I notice people seem to treat him differently than they used to. Could you give me some advice on how the blind should be treated? - R. V., Dallas, Texas

A. When you are introduced to a blind person he may make a small gesture to shake your hand. Make an effort to find his hand because he can't find yours. Always tell who you are. Never play “Guess who this is?” Use the blind person's name because he can't see that you are directing a remark toward him, say, “Harry, what do you think President Ford will do about oil and the economy?” You needn't raise your voice because blindness and deafness are two different things. If you want to ask the blind person a question address him and not his companion. Sighted persons often ask a man’s wife, “What does Harry like to drink?” Waitresses often make this mistake. 

If you are in a restaurant with a blind person you may want to read the menu to him. He may ask for help in cutting his meat. Follow William Goodman's suggestion in an article for “New Outlook for the Blind”; Unless you are treating, let the blind person carry his or her own check and money to the cashier. Locating food on a plate is often difficult for the newly blind. 

“The Seeing Eye” recommends that if you are serving food at home you think of the plate as the face of the clock, with meat from four to eight o'clock, vegetables from nine to twelve, and perhaps fruit from twelve to four. When you are having a blind person over for the first time, you might show him where various rooms of the house are. Make sure there are no objects on. the floor, which might trip him, and that doors aren't left ajar for the blind person to bump into. You can help a blind person sit down by guiding his hand to the seat and back of the chair. 

If you are helping a blind person walk down the street, let him hold onto your arm just above the elbow. Let him walk about a half a pace behind you. B. lind people can participate in more of your activities than you think. Some blind people go to the theatre and movies, dance, swim, skate, bowl, play board games and cards. Don't avoid a person who has gone blind. Continue to enjoy his friendship. – Maureen Elena Riordan, 1975

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Graciously Meeting Those with Physical Disabilities

Franklin Delano Roosevelt with a friend's daughter. 
On "The Handicapped"... "In meeting the handicapped there are special elements to be taken into consideration if one is to treat them with the understanding and the courtesy that are the basis for all proper social behavior.  One who is sincerely interested in human communication, in being genuinely helpful, will pay only so much attention to the disability as is necessary to give the other the help he needs and wants, will not call undue attention to it by extravagant gestures of sympathy and elaborate offers of undesired help, will give such help as is asked for or indicated in a matter-of-course way, neither evading nor emphasizing the fact of the disability, and will in general keep his companionship with the other on a basis that will keep communication and companionship between the handicapped and the unhandicapped as nearly normal as possible." From Eleanor Roosevelt's, 1963 "Common Sense Book of Etiquette"

More often we are seeing disabled people in working environments.  Whether they are bagging our groceries or working behind a desk, they are providing a valuable service whatever that may be.  Always show the utmost kindness as they are fellow human beings like us.  This should be obvious but unfortunately silly fears can creep in.

Linda Fitzpatrick, founder of The Disability Etiquette Training Company, outlined some good points about the principles of handshakes with people who have disabilities.

1. Always offer to shake hands.

2. Smile, make eye contact and be at eye level.

3. Be sure you have the full attention of the person with whom you wish to shake hands.

4. If a person with a disability is with a companion, shake hands with both people. However, if there is a service animal, do not pet the animal.

5. By necessity, a handshake involves touching, so if the person seems touch averse, be prepared to be extra gentle or to step back. A simple touching of fingers may be enough to convey the customary respect.

6. Take your time and use the opportunity to form a thoughtful connection.

7. Most important, see the person first, not the disability.

These are good foundations for meeting those with a variety of disabilities.
  

When shaking hands with a person in a wheelchair, bend or find a way to sit so that you can converse eye-to-eye. It can cause neck strain for the person in a wheelchair if they have to look up. My husband is permanently confined to a wheelchair and I know this can bother him. Never touch the wheelchair or rest a foot on the wheels as it’s an extension of their personal space.

Whether you are conversing through sign language, or speech, you are still conversing ~ "Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred in the room." Jonathan Swift

A person who is deaf or hard of hearing may not realize that you’ve extended your hand. Give a slight wave or a very gentle tap on the shoulder to gain her attention. People with hearing disabilities often complain about being handled too roughly.

"There is hardly any personal defect which an agreeable manner might not gradually reconcile one to." Jane Austen

If you are greeting someone who is blind, ask if you can shake their hand and he will be delighted to do so. Depending on where you are, giving simple instructions can be very helpful. For instance, “There’s a table to your left and a chair to the right where you could sit.”

"It doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life... All that matters is that you got to get up." Ben Affleck

What if the person is an amputee? Please never look shocked…regain composure quickly. Extend your hand and let the person guide you. A small gesturing of touch is an acknowledgement of the other person and shows respect.

Children often have the best attitude. They aren’t fearful and will ask questions. My husband has no issue with a small child asking him why he’s in that wheelchair. He explains that he had a bad sporting accident and tells them to always play safely. Good judgement and kindly manners will always be effective guides.

By Canadian Contributor Maria Doll ~ An etiquette coach, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009.  Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media. 


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia