Etiquette and a Bicycle for Two

Augustus nearly had a fit; how such things must amaze! This dreadful breach of etiquette would haunt him all his days! And to his love that night he vowed, by all his hopes of heaven, With her again he would not ride…

BALLAD OF THE BIKE

Augustus was a nice young man, in style quite up to date; Considered an authority in fashions new and late; And in the course of time he did as all young men will do, He met and loved a charming girl, whose name was Helen Drew.

Augustus had a wheel, of course, and often went to ride; He thought he was in Paradise with Helen by his side. Until one day his sweetheart said: “As sure as I'm alive, My wheel goes just as fast as yours, and mine's a '95!”

Augustus nearly had a fit; how such things must amaze! This dreadful breach of etiquette would haunt him all his days! And to his love that night he vowed, by all his hopes of heaven, With her again he would not ride till she bought a '97.

Both lovers lost their temper, and some bitter words were said: He swore she had no feeling, and she wished that she were dead: But finally they compromised, forgot their words at random, Got married and exchanged their wheels for a '97 tandem. – New York Sun, 1897

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette, Gender and Smoking

Some may not agree with me, as I am of the old school of manners and custom, when it was considered very ill bred to smoke in ladies’ company or in a room that was not for that purpose. It does appear that all such ideas are laid aside. – George Russell lights a cigar in “The Gilded Age” on HBO

Whither are We Drifting?

EDITOR FLAG: I saw in the San Francisco Chronicle a few days ago an article headed “Where are we Drifting” in regard to politics. Now I ask where are we drifting in manners and etiquette? The first thing I will take notice of is a place where almost every person has to go, both ladies and gentlemen. Is there any place that should be more respected than the Post Office? 

Now what I want to know is, are we always to have smoking in the post office? From five to six cigars and pipes not to mention cigarettes, can be seen there almost every night. I saw five young and one old gentlemen smoking, all at the same time. I took note of one young man smoking a cigar about as large as himself, and he was in conversation with two young ladies, The young man appeared to be trying to see how much smoke to give them the benefit second handed and in as short a time as possible, and I thought I could detect a scorn on the young lady’s faces as much as to say, “I don't like smoking even if it is second handed!” 

I have heard men remark that they have to go out on the sidewalk to get fresh air, the smoke inside being so disagreeable to them. Now if men are annoyed, how is it with ladies that never smell tobacco at home? There certainly is some law in regard to how a Post Office should be kept in regard to the room where people have to go to get their mail. If not, there should be, and it should be enforced without regard to persons. Some may not agree with me, as I am of the old school of manners and custom, when it was considered very ill bred to smoke in ladies’ company or in a room that was not for that purpose. It does appear that all such ideas are laid aside. – H. B., Russian River Flag, 1886

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Leap Year Proposals

Could this “The Gilded Age” proposal have been any more romantic? Etiquipedia thinks not, especially if Peggy Scott had done the proposing! Besides, 1883 was not a Leap Year.
 – “Considered in the abstract we do not see why a woman should not express her natural preferences as freely as a man in regard to the opposite sex. Indeed, she seems to be free to do so in every other respect but that of love and marriage.”

A Leap Year Proposition

As leap year is upon us the momentous question, Shall women propose? confronts us in various newspaper columns, with its usual four yearly regularity. Conservative people will of course pooh-pooh the idea, and the more frivolous laugh at the same. Some of our radical, would-be social innovators will be advocates, and others will fulminate their varied denunciations.

Considered in the abstract we do not see why a woman should not express her natural preferences as freely as a man in regard to the opposite sex. Indeed, she seems to be free to do so in every other respect but that of love and marriage. And yet is not this the most important of all earthly relations to the human race as society is at present organized?

Mere reasoning aside, however, other considerations enter into our estimates of propriety. Here we have sentiment, which so largely makes up the sum of womanly opinions on most subjects outside of bread and breathing.

As the majority of people think now, and as they will probably continue to think for many years to come, there are certain moral and social questions wherein old time precedent will doubtless continue to rule! The realm of courtship and marriage still lies fully within these prescribed limits.

In this affair it has from time immemorial been her inalienable and altogether charming privilege to be the one who should be sought, wooed and won. Whether this be abstractly right or wrong it is so ingrained in the very nature of society at large that the isolated kicks which are here and there made have so far produced little or no effect. Yankee Blade, 1893

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age City Girls vs Country Girls

In very formal society, a lady does not ask to take a gentleman’s hat; but in the country, where it is less so, and servants are not always in the hall, or in attendance upon callers, there is no impropriety in a young lady asking a gentleman to allow her to take his hat and relieve him from the inconvenience of holding it.

City and County Etiquette

In a city, no young lady goes out in the evening with a young gentleman without a chaperon (some lady older than either, who accompanies them), be it to the theatre, ball or elsewhere; while in the country, it is not considered improper for a young gentleman to call for a young lady and take her to a party or any entertainment in a carriage or to walk with her to the place alone. 

Or, if a gentleman meets a young lady of his acquaintance, and finds she has no escort, to ask permission to attend her to her home; and it is proper, if the party be eligible, to accept his escort, and, on reaching home, to thank him for his kindness, bid him good night at the door, particularly if the hour is late. If it is not late, and the family of the young lady are still in the parlor, it is proper to invite the young gentleman in, that he may pay his respects to her family. 

In very formal society, a lady does not ask to take a gentleman’s hat; but in the country, where it is less so, and servants are not always in the hall, or in attendance upon callers, there is no impropriety in a young lady asking a gentleman to allow her to take his hat and relieve him from the inconvenience of holding it.—Home Magazine, 1892

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Gilded Age Word on the Street

A Question of Street Etiquette… Offer her your arm, young man, every time, and never under any circumstances commit the familiarity and offense by forsaking hers.

“The question is often put to me,” says a lady whose opinion in matters of etiquette is wholly competent, “whether it is permissible to take a young lady’s arm in acting as her escort on a promenade after nightfall. Unhesitatingly and peremptorily, no. Not after nightfall, nor by daylight, nor at any other time. 

An invalid may lean upon a young woman's arm; a grandfather, if he is infirm, may avail himself of a familiar support, and a Broadway policeman seems to have acquired the right to propel his charges in petticoats across that thoroughfare by a grasp upon the arm, but these are the only male persons so privileged. 

For an acquaintance, a friend, or one who aspires to a still nearer place, to take the arm of a young woman when walking with her on a public highway is inexcusable. You may be sure nothing will so quickly offend her good taste, although she may lack the social skill to resent and avoid it. And the spectacle in itself is most unpleasing. 

To see a young woman pushed along, a little in front of her escort, by his clutch upon her arm is neither suitable nor picturesque. It reverses all preconceived ideas of gallantry. The fair should lean upon the brave. Virile strength ought ever to support feminine frailness. Offer her your arm, young man, every time, and never under any circumstances commit the familiarity and offense by forsaking hers.– New York Sun, 1888

 

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Gilded Age Intimate Etiquette

Mothers and guardians seem often to fancy that knowledge how to conduct oneself in the delicate dilemmas of life comes by instinct. Girls leave boarding schools and go into society with the vaguest of notions about their relations to it, and stumble through its small difficulties, hiding their embarrassments as best they can, keeping a brave front to the last, while the world never guesses the secret torches they undergo in trifling matters.– Image source from HBO’s The Gilded Age, Pinterest

The Freedom of Modern Social Life—Girls Handled too Much

“Shirley Dare” concluded a fashion letter in the Chicago Republican with the following: Somebody wants a chapter on what may be termed intimate etiquette. This is touched by such inquiries as we see in the correspondent’s column of ladies’ papers, where Lucia wants to know if she ought to allow a gentleman to kiss her when she comes home with him from a concert, and Caroline is dubious whether she ought to correspond with her friend’s betrothed in secret. One can’t but sympathize with the young ladies, knowing how inconsiderately someone has neglected their duty toward them. 

Mothers and guardians seem often to fancy that knowledge how to conduct oneself in the delicate dilemmas of life comes by instinct. Girls leave boarding schools and go into society with the vaguest of notions about their relations to it, and stumble through its small difficulties, hiding their embarrassments as best they can, keeping a brave front to the last, while the world never guesses the secret torches they undergo in trifling matters. Often enough for mere restless craving for novel confidences, young ladies seek public instead of private advise, and their mothers and friends are quite ready and competent to give them all the help they need. But there is a great deal of trial that besets young girls at the age when they feel failures most keenly, which the best parents forget to provide against. They ought to recall their own debates of etiquette in youth, and teach their children prudence before they need it. Forewarned, forearmed. 

“Nellie, see here,” said a prudent father to his girl of sixteen, in her tarletan ball dress, warming her slippers before the fire, waiting for her escort —if girls ever do any of the waiting. “You are looking sweetly fresh to-night, and as fresh in heart as in dress, I hope. You are to stay so, do you hear, madam. You are not to let people hold you close when you waltz; nobody has any business to touch you till you have a lover or a husband of your own. I don't want my girl talked about. Remember, nobody has the least right on any pretence to do more than touch your fingers, or lay his hand on you in the permittent freedom of the waltz, unless he is a relative, or going to be.” 

And after that she would probably sit in the conservatory, letting a handsome Jack, the fast and lady-killer, slip his arm by degrees, from the back of her chair, lift her locket from her bare neck, and kissed her hand till he dared to kiss her lips, and gather her close to him, which would probably be the sixth time they met, at farthest. You see, men and women like such things. It’s right they should! I am not going to belie the blood that beats in this wrist an instant, to say they should not. Only one may have some choice as to whether one will accept caresses from the wholesale stock of natural liking, or from the special, reserved fund of pernicious preference. 

Suppose young, warmhearted girl, as you lean on that broad shoulder, in the half-lit parlor to-night, thinking how nice it is to have some one fond and protecting, and how dear you seem to be to him—suppose you should by some invisible magnetic sense, be made aware of all the cheeks that have rested on that shoulder, and all the forms that arm had encircled. It’s fortunate you don’t know these things—it might lead you, however, to keep yourself more sacred for some one who will love you as entirely as you love this man, who “takes life as it comes,” and by force of habit, if not by inclination, could not remember one woman six months, if his happiness depended upon it. 

Did you ever see the old fashioned book on etiquette, called ‘The Young Ladies’ Friend?’ Good Mrs. Farrar will never guess the benefit that straight-forward, wholesome book of advice has been to girls. She knew the class she was writing for, and gave opinions in such words as these, I quote from memory : “You are to allow no personal freedoms from gentlemen of your acquaintance. If a finger is put out to examine a locket or chain on your dress, draw back and take it off for inspection, if you choose. The reason for this rule is clear to those who are better acquainted with the world.” 

The reason is perfectly clear to every one who comes to be twenty-five years of age outside a reform institution. A man of society, who dealt in occasional roughness of speech, said once in a parlor before ladies, that he would never marry a then New York girl of fashion, for the class allowed themselves to be handled too much. A girl who protects herself from the freedom to much in vogue in society, increases her own value if she only knew it, with those she may have to repulse. I don't believe in prudishuess or suspicion, but I do believe that, when men and women are not contented with the friendship that can be impressed by frank, kind eyes, and cordial and brief handshakes, and clear words one is not ashamed the world should hear, they should know what intoxication they are sharing. 

It strikes one curiosity to see ladies forget their hands in a man’s clasp while they are talking so earnestly; there is a great deal of expression in the nearness of two conversationalists which often tells a little more than people are aware of. It is all right and innocent, of course, but if people are properly indifferent to each other’s hands, why not observe convenances and drop them when the cordial salute is performed? You never see Rev. Mr. Surplice hold any hand in his but that of young Rocket the curate with the melancholy large black eyes, and you never see grave legal gentlemen crushing the flounces of equally grave and interesting spinsters. There is a fine distinct line between the cordial commerce of good will and heaven warm affection that binds the human family together, and these leadings of affection that with nameless license destroy the bloom of refinement.

There is one rule that settles a thousand queries of the nature we are considering. Whatever is secret may be safely left untouched. The touch, the look, the intimacy, the correspondence that needs to be secret, has something wrong about it. If you are sure there is no evil in your motives, for heaven’s sake come out and avow your friendship, your design, whatever it may be. You make the world purer and get a precedent by your frankness that tears away a thousand hypocrisies. The world has a keen sent for the really innocent, and if you cannot face its first sneers of criticism, you have reason to doubt yourself. Please consider this the porch to a topic of larger dimensions, and don’t judge me too hardly for prudery, till you hear the rest.— Trinity Journal, 1870

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age San Francisco Social Scene

Ladies’ lunches Mrs. Wallace considers the least alluring form of social entertainment, although she owns that San Francisco society is composed almost entirely of ladies. The men she considers are to blame for this.

Questions of Etiquette for Both Sexes 

Brightly Considered 

From a San Francisco Standpoint

San Francisco society is known in the Eastern States as peculiarly pleasant, but also as unique of its kind. Why is this? Eastern visitors remark upon the absence of rigid form and the free-and-easy plan of entertainment here as "delightful Californian hospitality." In California, they say, invitations hardly require an answer, nobody thinks of paying duty calls, nor is there any strict qualification required to obtain an entree to any particular circle. Above all, they declare, there seems to be no idea of reciprocity in entertainment. 

These floating charges are of serious moment to San Francisco society, and “The Call” has collected some representative ideas regarding them. They would seem to be somewhat borne out by the prevalent local belief that the role of a San Francisco hostess is a difficult one to play. The question is still an open one, but at present the general indictment seems to lie against the San Francisco men. The men appear to largely leave their social duties to the ladies and to think that a mere appearance anywhere is a favor on their part. This, if true, is a heavy indictment, however pleasantly it may be touched upon by the ladies whose views are given below.

Mrs. Judge Wallace is of the opinion that social duties are, as a whole, extremely pleasant. Naturally some forms of entertainment are more enjoyable than others. In her opinion balls and at homes, with dancing, varied by music, yield the most entertainment to old and young alike. The young enjoy taking part and the old enjoy looking on; while the strain upon the hostess is very slight indeed. 

A dinner party is, in her estimation, a more serious affair. Given guests who are intellectual enough to enjoy conversation as a fine art in addition to the banquet, a dinner is the highest form of entertainment, but even then the duty of selecting and pairing off the right people is a serious one for the hostess.

Ladies’ lunches Mrs. Wallace considers the least alluring form of social entertainment, although she owns that San Francisco society is composed almost entirely of ladies. The men she considers are to blame for this.

What more pretty and informal than an afternoon tea? In London and New York, the male element is largely represented at this form of amusement. Mrs. Wallace considers it a pity that San Francisco men, when their day’s duties are over, instead of going to the clubs, do not take an occasional cup of tea with lady friends. In the same way she regrets, for the sake of society, that the married men do not help more to receive at home, or visit with their wives and daughters instead of leaving to the latter nearly all the social duties.

Another prominent society lady smiled at the idea of social duties in San Francisco being fatiguing. “A leader in society,” she observed, “means one who gives up her entire time and energies to social duties. She must take the initiative in balls, dinners and every form of entertainment that becomes the fashion.” In London or New York, this is pleasant, but very hard work. At present in San Francisco the post of a social leader is little more than a sinecure.

“Ten or twelve years ago,” she continued, “when Mrs. Gwin and Mrs. McMullin kept open house, we were much more gay, and, I believe, that eight or ten years hence, when San Francisco has grown more, we shall be gay again. One reason for our present repose is that we Californians are great travelers; we think nothing of going to London or New York for our social diversions. I consider dinners decidedly the pleasantest form of entertainment.” she said.

“It is a compliment to ask a guest to your table. A ball means a crowd, and a guest who accepts an invitation to a ball does me a favor in helping to make up my number. Teas are very enjoyable, and at our Saturday teas we San Francisco hostesses generally have a very fair number of gentlemen. The reason our men do not visit more is that they work harder here than in Europe and the East. They have longer hours and take fewer vacations.”

One of San Francisco’s leaders, who was busy issuing invitations to a large tea, found time to remark: “It seems to me that people are too ready to accept the pleasures and utterly neglect the duties of society. I mean they have no idea of reciprocity. A guest owes something to his hostess, if it is only a ‘duty’ dance with the girl she is chaperoning the next time he meets her at a ball. Here in California these duties, that elsewhere are considered imperative, are rather neglected.” – San Francisco Call, 1892

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Agony Aunt Chastises Young Men

“O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.”

I am in receipt of a letter from one Dame Durden, spinster, who is anxious to be allowed some little space in the Sunday issue of this paper, in which to express her sentiments as regards the treatment of her “pets.” Be it known that Dame Durden is the “Friend of Woman.” Some of her “girls” have been confiding their woes to her of late and have prevailed upon her to publicly express her views. It is with great pleasure that I allow Dame Durden space in my particular column.– The Society Editor

NOTE– Men, don't tell the young ladies who told you, but Dame Durden is, to my certain knowledge, as fond of and as ready to uphold you as she is the said young ladies, and should they, during this their year, in any way mistreat you, I will just as willingly donate my column in your behalf as theirs. – The Society Editor

SAN BERNARDINO, Feb. 5. I am passé. The saddest moment of my life was the one in which this fact came home to me. But this does not prevent my having some of the dearest friends one could wish for, and among the most cherished are some of this season’s “buds.” The young ladies all come to Dame Durden for consolation and advice. And no one takes more pleasure in their pleasures than I. 

About 11 o'clock last Saturday morning I went over to G’s house to learn all about the ball given the evening before. I found my dear little friend in tears. On asking the cause of all this sorrow, she led the way, silently, to her own room, and there on the bed lay her newest evening gown– ruined. She held up the once dainty waist, and could some of the beaux of that ball have heard the tirade (uttered be tween sobs) against them, they would, I am sure, have pitied poor little G.

“O, how I hate them! (Sobs) Every last one, although I'm not sure just which one did do it!" (More sobs) And she showed me the once gauze-covered sleeve with the gauze hanging in strings, and amid more and more of those sobs told me how she had gone there after three hours’ primping and how all the neighbors who came in to see her ready for the “fray,” as it afterward proved, told her she looked “like a dream.” “But you should have seen me when I got home!” And she went on to tell how one man in particular took hold of her as tho’ for protection more than anything else, and tugged away at her dainty sleeve until– well, you could only realize it all by a look at that sleeve.

And the back of that beloved gown was next displayed– I know there must have been an hundred handprints there. O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.– “Dame Durden,” The Weekly Sun, 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Gift Giving Etiquette

Silver novelty items, like glove menders, in Delineator Magazine – Possibly the newest and most flatteringly individual of tricks a belle can bestow, is the pocket or toilet table glove mender. It is a round heavy silver ring, two inches and a half in diameter, having the man's full name and the date of its presentation engraved on its polished surface. Two dozen or more strands of vari-colored sewing silks are then looped over the ring and plaited in a gay braid. Next, a pair of tiny scissors are dependent from the silver bar by lengths of narrow blue ribbon. A big bow of very much wider ribbon, of the same shade, has one loop cunningly fashioned into a miniature button bag, the other furnished with a pocket for the silver thimble, while both ends are utilized as needle cases.

For Your Bachelor Friends...

What Young Women May Give to Men for Christmas or Birthday Gifts

Girls who have been the recipients of numerous attentions from their men friends are no longer called upon to suffer the uncertainties that formerly beset them when the time comes to testify appreciation with small souvenirs, presented at Christmas or on birthdays. It used to be a serious matter to think up suitable gifts for a man. If one happened to achieve popularity with the fair sex, his ingenuity was severely taxed to know what exposition to make of the scores of shaving sets, slippers, mouchoir cases and pen wipers that threatened to deluge him. 

Some years ago, after the death of a famous physician, his wife, in looking over his effects, counted thirty odd embroidered smoking caps sent by his feminine admirers, together with unlimited useless needlework her husband had never even removed from their original wrappings. With much tact the lady gave the entire lot to a fancy charity bazar going on in the town at the time. But men have changed, and their necessities are tenfold more complex than of old. For instance, the bachelors, those who live in apartments, they are grateful for almost any little trifle that adds to the luxury of their menage. Nearly all of them do a bit of perfunctory housekeeping, and give afternoon teas in their chambers during the season. In the glass corner cupboards fitted into the wall, they are therefore happy to add dainty teacups and decorated plates to their carefully selected stock of china. 

Silk tea cosies, embroidered doylies, divan pillows and prettily outlined tray cloths are among the inexpensive presents a young woman may give with propriety. If the friendship is of long standing, or the obligations on her side are many and heavy, a piece of silver may be warranted. Then her selection of gifts is vastly extended. She may choose a fat repousse cream jug, a hammered silver sugar bowl, an engraved dish for bonbons or tea-leaves; or, again, from the miscellaneous counter where silver ink-stands, loving cups, picture frames and candlesticks are sold, a choice bit of Doulton, or a cut crystal flower bowl, is admissible under the circumstances named, but the lady should always make sure that her offering is suggestive of the daintiness of its feminine donor. Costliness is no longer prohibited in an exchange of gifts, but etiquette that dictates in such matters is quite as stringent as to the style of presents men and women give each other. It is not a bad idea for those women who have been entertained on yachts to bear in mind the keen appreciation with which the captain receives pretty trifles intended to add to the interior beauty of his boat. An embroidered deck cushion, a gay afghan, a silk and lace shade to temper the cabin lamps, are all useful and acceptable. 

But possibly the newest and most flatteringly individual of tricks a belle can bestow, is the pocket or toilet table glove mender. It is a round heavy silver ring, two inches and a half in diameter, having the man's full name and the date of its presentation engraved on its polished surface. Two dozen or more strands of vari-colored sewing silks are then looped over the ring and plaited in a gay braid. Next, a pair of tiny scissors are dependent from the silver bar by lengths of narrow blue ribbon. A big bow of very much wider ribbon, of the same shade, has one loop cunningly fashioned into a miniature button bag, the other furnished with a pocket for the silver thimble, while both ends are utilized as needle cases. Nothing could be more complete, and never will the bachelor bless his woman friend so fervently as when, in a tearing hurry, the little mender bobs up to supply his impatient needs.—New York Sun, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia