Etiquette and “Polite Notes”

Letters of congratulation are always acceptable, enhancing whatever the good fortune may be by sharing with one’s friends.

Will you kindly advise the custom concerning letters of condolence and congratulation? Should letters be sent only to friends out of town, or may they be used between friends in the same city? Are letters of condolence better than a call? – ANXIOUS

Letters of condolence are always proper, no matter whether to a person living out of town or in one’s home city. A card with the word “sympathy” or “to inquire” left at the house of mourning is always good form, for, of course, only the nearest and dearest friends see a bereaved family; but afterward they look at the cards and letters and deeply appreciate all who have thought of them in their sorrow. 

Letters of congratulation are always acceptable, enhancing whatever the good fortune may be by sharing with one’s friends. The good book says “rejoice with those who do rejoice and weep with those who mourn,” or words to that effect, and it is a pretty good maxim to follow.– From Madame Merri, 1912 

 

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age San Francisco Etiquette

It is etiquette to acknowledge all invitations to functions. If a lady sends out an invitation to attend a reception, it would be proper to acknowledge the same and advise the hostess whether the party invited will be present. 

Answer to Query by a Call Reader 

For E. P. T., of San Francisco: If people that you are acquainted with meet a loss by death, and you think anything of such people, it would be proper for you to write a letter of condolence. You should confine yourself to a few words of sympathy. If the life of the person just gone has been a beautiful one, some allusion to that will be proper, but do not offer anything that would seem like preaching a sermon or deducting a moral.

And... P. P. C. cards are not sent out when the party leaves the home for a short visit in the country. Such are used only when the person contemplates an absence from home for a long time, such as a tour of continental Europe or a visit to some other State, which may be of six months' duration or even longer. It is the duty of the person intending to absent himself or herself for a prolonged period, to make a call of adieu on friends, and if such are not at home then the visitor leaves a pour prendre congé card. – 1898

For J. H. of San Francisco:  It is etiquette to acknowledge all invitations to functions. If a lady sends out an invitation to attend a reception, it would be proper to acknowledge the same and advise the hostess whether the party invited will be present, so as to give an opportunity to arrange for the number who will attend. – San Francisco Call, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Condolences

After Otto von Bismarck's death, the task of opening telegrams and attending to those which, according to etiquette, needed to receive immediate answers, continued from morning until night.

Even when in mourning, the etiquette regarding the condolences from potentates and statesmen in every part of the world, must be followed.

FRIEDRICHSRUHE, Aug. 2.— Prince Bismarck's coffin was closed down yesterday between 7 and 8 o'clock in the presence of the Imperial Chancellor, who left Friedrichsruhe immediately afterward. It was originally intended that the consecration einsegnung, as the Germans call the funeral service, should take place this morning, but it was deferred until 6 in the evening out of deference to the Emperor, who expressed a wish to be present and could not arrive before. 

The whole family, headed by Prince Herbert, assembled in the small, bare death chamber this morning and partook of the Holy Sacrament. The black coffin, of unusually large dimensions, with eight massive silver-plated handles, rested on trestles and occupied exactly the same spot as that on which stood the bed on which the Prince died, the head of the coffin, as was pointed out to me, being almost within touch of the bell rope which the Prince used when summoning his attendants. 

The task of opening telegrams and attending to those which, according to etiquette, must receive immediate answer, still continues from morning until night and keeps Count Rantzau, Count Wilhelm and Prince Herbert continually occupied. I noticed on the table one layer of opened telegrams about a foot high from every Prussian Prince and Princess and almost all the German federal sovereigns. Emperor Francis Joseph, the King and Queen of Italy, the English and Russian courts and over 100 European statesman also telegraphed condolences. — New York Herald, 1898

Do letters of condolence need to be acknowledged?

If you receive commercial sympathy cards simply signed with a name, no. Otherwise, generally yes. Most funeral establishments or crematoria furnish notecard-size thank-you notes...

 Time-honored rituals of death ease us through the unthinkable. Much of what we do during these times is almost rote. Everyone knows how difficult a death is. No, these notes are not original or memorable. They simply serve the purpose of letting the recipient know that you received and appreciated their card. Again, if anyone stands out particularly, make a note to write them later, when you can.

When should acknowledgements be sent out?

Nobody will expect you to do this for some time, so don’t worry if you can’t get yourself to your writing place for weeks or months, but some people deserve a personal reply. — From ModernLoss.com

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia