An Etiquette Argument for Bowing

Reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, women are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold...”

Who Should Bow First ? —Who has not heard ladies express mild surprise because some man who had been presented to them had not bowed to them on the street, at the theater, or in the drawing room? If you ask them, “Did you recognize him?” they will be apt to reply, “ Oh, no; of course not. He should have spoken first.” Being reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, they are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold.” The truth is, the majority of women are naturally accustomed to men paying court to them; to his making the first advance in everything; that they can’t find it in their sexual sensitiveness, in their conventional selves, to obey a mandate they originally issued, and still insist on perpetuating. 

Not one woman in ten thousand has any fault to find with the rule; in fact, we have never known a woman to object to it. Nevertheless, she seldom follows it in her own case. Sometimes a woman says, as a sort of self justification, “Supposing I should speak to a man, on meeting him after an introduction, and he should not remember me. How awkward I should appear; how overwhelmed I should be with shame to observe that he did not recognize me. I can’t afford to place myself in a position to seem to be cut by any man.” If any number of women feel thus, the point of etiquette should be changed in order to save their sensibilities. In truth, however, the objection is not well made. 

There is not the smallest danger that any man, presuming him, of necessity, to be a gentleman, at least in respect to his observing the ordinary forms of courtesy, would refuse or hesitate to return the acknowledgement of a woman, even though he might not have the remotest recollection of ever having seen her before, or though he were convinced she had confounded him with somebody else. And the fact that he had been recognized by a woman would be the strongest presumptive evidence that he had been presented to her. Men are not likely either to forget their feminine acquaintances, or to mistake Mrs. Thompson for Mrs. Robinson, or Misa Blank for Miss Dash. – Sonoma Democrat, 1876

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Chaperonage

The Chaperone — Ready to spoil just about everyone's fun! 

Chaperonage in 1899 

The foreign custom that makes a chaperone indispensable where young people are gathered together at places of public entertainment, has long obtained in the cities of the East, and in all conventional communities everywhere. No really fashionable party is made up without a chaperone.

A young woman condemns herself in the eyes of good society who is observed to enter alone with a young man a place of public refreshment, be the restaurant or tea room ever so select. Bred under other conditions of a society so necessarily varying as that in our broad America, a stranger visiting New York, for instance, might readily and innocently make a mistake of this nature, and blush at finding herself condemned for it. In the same category of offenses is ranked that of maidens visiting places of public amusement under the escort of young men alone. Many parts of the South and West allow this to be done with the smiling consent of good society; but in Eastern cities it is considered a violation of good form, and for the comfort, if not the convenience, of the girl considering it, had better be ranked among the lost privileges upon which social evolution may look back with fond regret.

It is always wisest, when a number of young people are to have a party, to ask two or three married women to be present, not only for propriety’s sake, but because there will then be no danger of anything unwished for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of the chaperones to make all social entertainments smooth and pleasant.

When it is necessary for a girl to pay long visits to a dentist’s office, she should be accompanied either by her mother, or some woman relative, or maid.

The etiquette of chaperonage is much less strict for a young widow than for an unmarried girl of the same age; but it is important and in good taste for a woman who is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous in all she does, giving by her behavior no opportunity for criticism. — From Practical Etiquette

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Victorian Etiquette and Customs

 A 1900 illustration featuring Queen Victoria on the arm of Abdul Karim or Munshi, her Indian servant, being received by the Lord Lieutenant and Countess Cadogan at Dublin Castle in Ireland

Etiquette enjoins many formal customs on the great. It requires, for example, that no one shall sit in the presence of Queen Victoria while she is standing, or remain covered where she is. There is only one exception to the latter rule. There is an Irish Lord who, because of some deed of an ancestor calling forth royal gratitude, inherits the privilege to keep his hat on in the presence of royally. No one, also, must address the Queen until she speaks to him or her first. 

A Lady of rank who goes shopping in London will never allow herself to be seen carrying a parcel from the shop to her carriage. This is always done by the shop keeper, who crosses the pavement, head bare, and deposits the parcel. 

No Lady of rank carries her prayer-book to church. Her footman goes before her with it, and opens and closes the pew door. These are but examples of the minute things in which etiquette imposes its law. A breach of any the rules of etiquette, a forgetfulness of what to wear or how to act at the proper moment, is regarded by English society as a very grave offence. 

So despotic are the laws of etiquette in high European society that often the peace of nations has been imperiled by a neglect to treat a Prince, a Nobleman or an Ambassador with the required formality. There was serious trouble in the English Royal family when the Duchess of Elinburg, the daughter of the Czar, went to live among them, and insisted on “taking precedence” of the Princess of Wales. According to the English rule of etiquette, she was obliged to do so; but she insisted that the daughter of a Russian Emperor ought to walk before the daughter of a King of Denmark. 

An amusing story is told of a certain King of Spain who was one day discovered by somebody to be on fire. This somebody had no right to touch the King, so he hastened to the Chamberlain and the Chamberlain to the Marshal, and the Marshal to the Steward, and the Steward to the Groom of the Bedchamber, whose duty it was to take care of the Royal person. While these formalities of etiquette were being gone through with, however, the poor King burned up. — The Russian River Flag, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Etiquette for Jewish Girls

When she is acquiring her education, it is true, she may go to the public school, but even there the teachings of her home are strong upon her, and she is not so free with her boy companions as is her Christian contemporary. 

America's Daughters of Israel

The Hebrew girl, except among the very wealthy and most thoroughly Americanized families, lives in a state of semi-oriental seclusion. When she is acquiring her education, it is true, she may go to the public school, but even there the teachings of her home are strong upon her, and she is not so free with her boy companions as is her Christian contemporary. 

Her school days once over, she becomes a home bird to a very great extent. It is not proper according to Jewish etiquette for her to accept an invitation to a theater from a young man to whom she is not engaged, if she does, it is immediately taken for granted that the couple are engaged.

 If she goes to a sociable or party her brother or some other member of her family, is almost invariably her escort, though, once arrived at the place of merriment, she mixes as freely with those about her as do Christian girls. Her jollity on such occasions is unconfined and sometimes smacks of old-time Methodist heartiness. 

The kissing games of our ancestors are occasionally introduced with effect; and she proves herself one of the most lively and charming of girls, a perfect romp in fact. The party over, however, away she goes home; in charge of her brother, whose place no young man can usurp unless he engages himself to her. – American Queen, 1884

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Victorian Picnic Etiquette

If a lady chooses to seat herself upon the ground, you are not at liberty to follow her example unless she invites you to be seated. She must not have occasion to think of the possibility of any impropriety on your part. You are her servant, protector, and guard of honor. You will of course give her your hand to assist her in rising.

      and Etiquette for Other Outdoor Excursions

Picnic excursions into the country are not occasions of ceremony, but call for the exercise of all one's real good nature and good breeding. On leaving the carriage, cars, or steamboat, gentlemen should of course relieve the ladies they attend of the shawls, baskets, etc., with which they may have provided themselves, and give them all necessary assistance in reaching the spot selected for the festivities. It is also their duty and their happiness to accompany them in their rambles, when it is the pleasure of the fair ones to require their attendance, but not to be obtrusive. They may sometimes wish to be alone.

If a lady chooses to seat herself upon the ground, you are not at liberty to follow her example unless she invites you to be seated. She must not have occasion to think of the possibility of any impropriety on your part. You are her servant, protector, and guard of honor. You will, of course, give her your hand to assist her in rising. 

When the sylvan repast is served, you will see that the ladies whose cavalier you have the honor to be, lack nothing. The ladies, social queens though they be, should not forget that every favor or act of courtesy and deference, by whoever shown, demands some acknowledgment on their part—a word, a bow, a smile, or at least a kind look.  – From 1887's "How to Behave"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and American Ease

"Sprawling of all kinds is avoided by well-bred people, who shun excessive ease as much as excessive formality." Slouching, or sprawling, comes with the territory we guess, if you are spoiled and your mother is American.

With all the faults of manner of the American, no one would think of charging him with a want of ease. Generally feeling at home wherever he goes, he is as apt to be "hail fellow well met" with the King on his throne as with the lackey at the palace door. He is not likely to be taken to account for too much stiffness of body and formality of address. His facility of converse and flexibility of limb are proverbial, and few can equal him in expansiveness of sprawl, reach of boot, and readiness of "jaw." 

He is unapproachable as an acrobat, and his fine chair balance, or trick of heels up and head down, can not be surpassed by any performer on the social stage. When he presents himself, he is not unlike the clown of our early remembrance, who came with a run, a spring, a somersault, and the shout "Here I am !" We think that many of our countrymen and countrywomen might be improved by more reserve of manner and less flexibility of limb. 

Americans can dispense with much freedom of movement and looseness of posture, as indeed of ease of address, without any risk of incurring the imputation of being prigs. In society ordinarily termed good, it is not customary to sit upon more than one chair at a time, nor is the mantel-piece regarded as the proper place for the feet, however well turned the boot or delicately made the shoe. 

Sprawling of all kinds is avoided by well-bred people, who shun excessive ease as much as excessive formality. It may not be amiss to remind the heedless and the young that, on entering the room of the house of a stranger or that of a visiting acquaintance, it is not becoming to throw themselves at once on the sofa and stretch out their legs, or into the Voltaire or easy-chair, and sink into its luxurious depths. The common seat will be selected by the considerate, and all the exceptional provisions for extra ease and comfort left untouched until the invitation to enjoy them is given. –The Bazar Book of Decorum, 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pre-Eminent Etiquette Book of 1800’s

… and Dining Dont’s

Professor Thomas E. Hill, author of “Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms,” (regarded as the pre-eminent etiquette book of the late Victorian Era in America) had been a teacher, newspaper publisher and served two terms as mayor of Aurora, Illinois.

MIND YOUR MANNERS

Many Americans in the 19th Century were concerned with how to establish order and authority in a society which was becoming increasingly industrialized and urban. Etiquette, in the broad sense of correctness in many facets of both business and personal life, was one way to address this problem. "Hill’s Manual," first published in 1873, presented proper letter-writing, penmanship, legal forms, family records, and “speaking and acting in various relations of life.” 

The section of this popular, comprehensive volume entitled, “The Laws of Etiquette: What to Say and How to Do,” included helpful advice on improving one's manners, the proper use of calling cards, conduct when shopping, how to engage in conversation, traveling, proper behavior in church and school, rules of parties and dances, courtship, marriage, etc...

“Never allow butter, soup or other food to remain on your whiskers. Use the napkin frequently.” Thomas E. Hill

Dining was a popular social pastime, and a meal could be twelve courses or more. "Etiquette of the Table” was prominently featured in "Hill's Manual." Politeness at the table was to be cultivated; ways to achieve it were outlined on one page and illustrated with properly dressed and well-behaved diners.

       

           

“Errors to be Avoided” were presented, along with a comical, numbered depiction of “Bad Manners at the Table,” including:

1. Tips back his chair.
2. Eats with his mouth to full.
3. Feeds a dog at the table.
4. Holds his knife improperly.
5. Engages in violent argument at the meal-time.
6. Lounges upon the table.
7. Brings a cross child to the table.
8. Drinks from the saucer, and laps with his tongue the last drop from the plate.
9. Comes to the table in his shirt-sleeves, and puts his feet beside his chair.
10. Picks his teeth with his fingers.
11. Scratches her head and is frequently unnecessarily getting up from the table.

Some of Thomas Hill’s advice may seem overly fussy or ridiculous to the modern reader. However, one must consider that many people in the Victorian Era, both in the U.S. and abroad, were seriously concerned with promoting civility in all aspects of their lives. In an updated “Hill’s Manual,” one writer suggests that “Perhaps we would add: Do not talk on your cell phone or text at the table.”

From a variety of sources and Thomas E. Hill’s, “The New Revised Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms: A Guide to Correct Writing,” 1893

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Era Etiquette at Dinner Tables and Small Talk

A lady is entitled to special attention from her escort, but she should not monopolize his time. In other words, “Don't talk his ear off.”

Long stories are to be avoided, and so is the habit of asking questions; but there is a subtle way of wishing, or, at least, of being willing to hear more that gives the inflection without being too interrogative; and if it be not expedient to tell all we know in response to its gentle insinuation, it does not compel an ungracious refusal or a chilling reticence. 

A lady is entitled to special attention from her escort, but she should not monopolize his time. Not merely the pairing but the grouping of guests is considered by an accomplished hostess, and a lady may exercise her conversational graces impartially to right and left and likewise across the table, provided its width and adornments do not interfere; but neither in front of nor behind an intervening guest should anybody attempt to converse. When a word or sentence to one so separated suggests itself, the intervening person should be included in the conversation. In other words, the conversation becomes general to a lesser or greater extent, according as the subject under discussion may interest those present. 

Architecture may be frozen music to you in the most rigid sense, and you may be seated next to some one who draws out its harmonies in grand and classic shapes, and to whose latest triumphs the company may allude in brief but pleasing terms. You feel called upon to add something to the general tribute, but can think of nothing apt. Said a young girl who was thus placed, “I could not think of anything to say that would indicate an intelligent knowledge of the subject and I did not feel privileged to lead the conversation from the channel in which it had been directed, so I could only speak of a mite of a country house which always comes to mind because of the beautiful roses that grow all about it and seem intent upon surmounting its diminutive height. I scarcely know how it happened, but in a very short time he was telling me how artistically the rose works into decorative purposes, and from that passed to other things until I felt the subject to be more interesting than I ever supposed it could become to one who knows next to nothing about architecture, and who cannot become familiar with it.”

Such a frank avowal is not discreditable to one who has tact enough to make up for it, and tact quite often takes the place of many qualities commonly supposed to belong to the mental equipments of bright women. It made a good listener in the instance referred to, and it gave a good talker the opportunity to air his gifts agreeably.                 

It is not permissible to seem otherwise than happy and content.

Worries and all disquieting subjects should not be mentioned outside the circle they affect, and even though one may have but just emerged from a sea of them, it is not permissible to seem otherwise than happy and content. 

There must have been some unexplained condition attached to the circumstances which led to the question, “Is it proper to thank a servant for a service rendered,” because well-bred people instinctively acknowledge the slightest service; but the question came to us as quoted and in that form we answer it. By all means thank a servant for replacing a dropped napkin, a knife or fork, for bringing you anything not at hand or for doing anything you may require; but do not assume the air or attitude of wishing the company to understand that you are punctilious in such matters. “Thank you,” in a low tone, a gratified but not a familiar nod of approval or a gracious acceptance of what you desire is all that is needed. 

A lady is not often called upon to say “thank you” in such circumstances, because a well-bred man is always on the alert to direct attention to her wants. It is her prerogative to acknowledge both favor and service with a smile, which need not part the lips, but which expresses her appreciation as effectually and with less formality than even a simple, “thank you.” 

The habit of clipping words perhaps explains why “thanks,” passes current for the finer and more gracious “thank you.” The intimacy of “chums” permits the use of the abbreviated form, but the general adoption of such scant verbiage is as objectionable as verbosity; and if the question, “should one say ‘thanks’ to servants” were asked, the answer would be emphatically, no, unless you wish to suggest that all social difference between you and them is removed. 

In taking leave of your entertainers, be gracious but not effusive in expressing your pleasure. It is to your hostess that you will make acknowledgment in a few words. Just what they shall be, no pen can write and few people need be told; but they will give the impression that you have enjoyed your evening. Beware—this to the young —that your words do not savor of the fact that your enjoyment has been a surprise to yourself. To youth is also addressed this injunction: do not attempt to compliment your hostess upon her menage. 

A lady is not often called upon to say " thank you " in such circumstances, because a well-bred man is always on the alert to direct attention to her wants.

Verbally expressed compliments of any kind are rarely the prerogative of the young. If the hostess be your dearest school-friend, tell her privately, when you are admitted to a boudoir chat, how much you admire her qualities as housewife and hostess; but do not allow your appreciation to effervesce when she is doing her best to bear her blushing honors with meekness and dignity, for it is a hard combination for a young hostess to sustain.

“Although I have remained late, the evening has seemed very short,” says one; “Time is very unkind, and so I must say ‘good evening,’” says another. A matron who has enjoyed years of complete social success extends her hand to a younger entertainer and says, “Before saying adieu, let me thank you for a most delightful evening;” but she does not prolong her leave-taking further than to add a brief good-night. 

There was a time when appreciation of the dinner was expressed in the leave-taking, but the custom does not prevail among men and women of the younger generation. It was a pleasing and proper acknowledgment when an invitation to one's table signified the most sacred form of social hospitality, but though an invitation to dine still suggests a desire for some degree of social intimacy, the giving of dinners has grown to be more of a formality since that time.— From “Good Manners,” 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

 

Conformity and Etiquette

... in the Victorian Era

"La mode universelle."

You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense, to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. 

If you cannot sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring themto your pitch, but never mar even a low accord. So if you cannot adapt your dress and manners to the company in which you find yourself, the sooner you take your leave the better. 

You may and should endeavor, in a proper way, to change such customs and fashions as you may deem wrong, or injurious in their tendency, but, in the mean time, you have no right to violate them. You may choose your company, but, having chosen it, you must conform to its rules 'til you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must "do as the Romans do."

You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must "do as the Romans do.

The rules which should govern your conduct, as an isolated individual, were such a thing as isolation possible in the midst of society, are modified by your relations to those around you. This life of ours is a complex affair, and our greatest errors arise from our one-side views of it. We are sovereign individuals, and are born with certain "inalienable rights;" but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights can not conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed.

King Abdullah and Hu Jintao drink tea together.

It is related of a certain king that on a particular occasion he

turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the

etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette.

From "How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Republican Etiquette,

and Guide to Correct Personal Habits Embracing An Exposition

Of The Principles Of Good Manners"

By Samuel R. (Roberts) Wells, 1877